hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
in his Family upon his Children and Servants and by this means this daughter and one of his servants were brought home unto the Lord and which I mention as an alarum to the Saints to the practise of this duty which seems in this licentious age to bee so greatly neglected She had this honor to enjoy the indeared affection of all Saints that conversed with her as being eminent in these graces First in love to all Saints though of different Judgements where she discerned any characters of Christs image her heart delighted in them which grace shined the more clearly because she lived in a time wherein the contrary evill most prevailed Again she was eminently exemplary in that holy art of the Improvement of the society of the Saints by serious propounding of prepared questions about matters of most infinite concernment with such wisdom in searching out the deepest of the Treasures God had laid up in others hearts that she grew abundantly in experimental knowledge of saving Truths and was able and ready to communicate richly unto others She was a most diligent Christian in attending all the Ordinances and in every administration did hearken what God said to her soul and as her soule waited for some discoveries of God so the shining forth of God in his counsels and comforts shee did abundantly enjoy Shee was a careful Observer of the Lords day and found such profit in the ways of the Almighty that his Day was her delight and she requently was fild in her soule as with marrow and fatness She was a steddy Christian in reeling times and received nothing for truth but what she would often weigh in the ballance or the Sanctuary and upon solid grounds lay up in her heart or put forth in her practice And for her diligence and industry about heavenly things she so far abounded that whoever hath the sight of her labours would not easily conceive so much could be done in one whose life was so short She wrote her dayly Meditations upon the holy book of God which shee kept in a book fair written She contracted all she heard in the publike Ministry into a method in a book in Folio hath fairly transcribed some part of that work which would have contained the substance of all the labors of the Ministers of Christ whose Ministry she was partaker of And in another had written all the attributes of God and Christ that she could finde in Scripture for the strengthning of the saith of beleevers The truth is shee was a soul wholly dedicated to the Lord and in her whole conversation humble and holy and tender-hearted One truly weaned from this world weary of it and often breathing out holy longings to be with Christ frequently saying VVhat is there in this dark world that should cause a Christian to desire to continue in it And as shee longed to be at home so the Lord hastned the time and in her tender yeers gathered her to himself And in her death shee shewed forth a gracious frame of spirit and with holy confidence in Christ resigned her selfe to him And such was het holy jealousy of any pride or hypocrisy that might arise by discovering of her labour that untill shee fell asleep in the Lord her writings came not to the view of any Thus this blessed soule walked with the Lord and these things are recorded of her for our example that we may tread in her steps and be followers of her as he she followed Christ which is the hearty desire of him who is a servant of Christ and his Church Isaac Knight O My soul what hath been the Method and manner of the Lords working that effectual work of his upon thy heart which thou hast some comfortable hopes is begun by him and shall be carried on in thy soul to the glory of his own grace set them down as the Lord shall enable thee according as he hath been pleased from time to time and from year to year to make it out to thee that so if the Lord please it may stand thee instead in an evil day I mean a day of inward or outward affliction and the Lord help thee to do it as in his sight who is the searcher of all hearts and knows better than thou dost what work himself hath wrought in thee but so farre as he hath or shall please to enable thee to discern it in thy own heart set it down and let it lye upon record against all the temptations of Sathan that great adversary of thy soul IN the year 1635 when I was yet very young being not at the most full nine years old the Lord was pleased through the preaching of his word as I conceive together with my fathers repeating and farther pressing it home upon our spirits to begin to work upon my heart and to give in some kind of desires after the best things whereupon I began to take some delight in hearing the word but most of all in reading to my self in which I then spent many hours if not whole dayes the Lord setting the one and the other so home upon my spirit as to convince me both of my sinful and miserable condition by reason of my continual breach of his holy lawes and grieving the spirit of my parents the which was much set home upon me by reading Mr. Dod upon the commandements and the like treatises whereupon I had a temptation to curse the day of my birth which in some measures I consented unto often wishing that I had never been born or at the least had dyed from the breast as I saw some of my Brothers esteeming their condition to be much better than mine they never living to commit any actual sin and therefore as I then thought should without all doubt go to Heaven but for my self I did really think and fear that I should certainly go to Hell then being put out to board for a quarter of a year to one who pretended much skill and ability for the cure of some weakness that I then lay under which being a very profane family although I was yet very young yet being so contrary to those wayes I had been brought up in to come now to hear continual cursing and swearing and prophaning the Lords day and being forced to be in their company not daring by reason of those fears I then lay under to be alone and so sometimes prevailed with once or twice to play upon the Lords day I thought my self all this while to be in the belly of hell being thereunto condemned by my own conscience so that I could receive no contentment in all the fulnesse of those outward things which I there enjoyed but was restless untill I got home again being yet only convinced of my actual evills But when the Lord was pleased by the ministery of his word and other private instructions going along with it to convince me in some measure of my original corruption that I brought into the
world with me then did the Lord inable me to see that all my former desires would have been nothing but that I might even then have gone to hell as well as afterward whereupon I was much troubled and very desirous to read and hear all the marks of a righteous man that should go to heaven and accordingly I got a book called Mr. Roger's evidences and an other called the Touchstone of true Grace an other called None but Christ and divers others which I did daily read on for many houres together Then came the Divel upon me with this temptation that I should keep all this my trouble to my self and not discover it to any although never so neer or deer unto me which temptation I wholly yeilded unto and that for many years together until I even destroyed my bodily health with continual troubles fears and sadness but not discovering any cause of it so that all the support I had was what the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by hearing and reading which he was pleased to make effectuall still to lead me on though with much trouble and sadness then in the beginning of these troubles being in the year 1638. or 1639. I being some 12 or 13 years old which being times of great fears and sadness the people of God met often and spake one to an other and kept dayes of humiliation and seeking the Lord in the behalf of the nation and his poor people in it my parents often going to these meetings but not daring to tell me it the times being so dangerous at last having often observed the frame of their spirits at such times more especially I began much to long and desire to know whither they went and being very importunate with my Mother to that end and at last prevailing she was content to let me go along with them which was so pleasing to me that ever after I continued to go with them every week almost and sometimes oftner where I found often much refreshment especially bearing up my heart under those eminent dangers which in an especial manner we lay open unto which the Divel perceiving to be agreat incouragement to me in the way I now desired to walk in used many temptations working together with the corruptions of my own heart in this estate of my childhood to hinder me from enjoying these opportunities as some times sleepiness being fain to go early in the morning and cold it being in the deep of winter c. with several other temptations as the danger if we should be taken as some had been and all this to discourage me which sometimes he well nigh accomplished but pondering it sin my minde and being inabled to conceive it to be but a temptation I durst very seldome if ever give way to them but was still inabled to break thorough Though truely I have much admired since how my spirit was carried out in those dayes in joyning in prayer c. how exceedingly sometimes my heart was wrought upon and constrained to pour forth teares and groanes yea my heart was wrought up to such a frame and I found so much sweetness as I apprehended in the company of the saints and those enjoyments my soul felt in such duties that I thought I could freely and cheerfully lay down my life with them more freely than I fear I could long since Master Love then coming to London and sometimes meeting him at these private meetings and so having some knowledg of him and being afterwards chosen Chaplain to my fathers Regiment and so going to Windsor with us about the year 1642. and so living in the house with us for 2 years a half who at our first going perceiving much sadness to lye upon my spirit and knowing by experience what a troubled spirit was he having formerly laine under it for divers years did at last seriously burthen me with it which coming upon me in such a nick of time having but a little before been reading in a little book that I had wherein I was directed that if any trouble lay upon my spirit I should reveal it that so I might receive satisfaction which pondering with in my self I durst not deny it but tell him in some measure the ground of my trouble and he endeavouring to satisfie me from the word which he had no sooner done in any measure but still the Divell begins with new and fresh temptations and when what had been said to me was a little out of my mind which he would soon find occasion to put out then comes he over with the old temptations again working them fresh upon my thoughts endeavouring still to drive me to despaire of ever receiving any mercy of God Then stood I convinced from the word and divers instruction I met withall grounded thereupon that it was my duty to perform private duties as well as publick as prayer meditation examination and the like which I knew not how to set about in a serious manner being every way unfit for it and unable to it so that often through neglect and mis-performance this also added to my trouble and sadness Then hearing Mr. Love preach upon that Scripture Mat. 5. 20. For I say unto you Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees you shall in no wise enter into the kingdome of heaven And hearing how farre the Pharisees went in the performance of duties and avoiding of evills c. which I saw my self so short of which made me conclude I should also be short of heaven my eyes understanding being then with-held from the right understanding of the spiritual sense of that Scripture which since the Lord of his rich grace hath inabled me to see fulfilled in the Lord Jesus who is mine through faith A while after he did also preach upon that Scripture in Heb. 12. 15 16 17. Looking diligently lest there be any fornicator or profane person as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his birth-right For you know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Upon the hearing of which it was suggested to me that I had never sought the blessing so diligently carefully and importunately as profane Esau did and therefore should much more go without it the thoughts of which scriptures among divers others struck so deep in me that it much increased my sadness so that I could take little delight in any thing in the world but as often as I could refusing to go into any company choosing rather a solitary life yet still endeavouring to keep all to my self making nothing known but only those daily bodily weaknesses which did also accompany me in great measure In this condition I continued for that time I was at Windsor being often condemned in my own conscience for my neglect of duties and commission of sin c. And what ever had at
spirit and keep it from utter despair and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable yet did the Lord so secretly support me that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude that I should certainly perish as Sathan continually suggested to me though I still feared it which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me though in a poor weak and low measure yet to follow him still often telling him that if I did perish my desire was to perish coming towards him following of him and begging mercy from him Then in the year 1650. June the 28 was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me in taking from me my dear and precious Father who was the chief comfort of my natural life and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit and indeed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions to instance in one to two It was strongly suggested to me that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord that now he would not only take him from me but even in this sad severe manner not once permitting him to speake to me or me with him which was also further aggravated with these thoughts that it was the more just with the Lord thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice in this time of my doubts and feares as I might have done Thus being tossed to and fro and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship and also considering that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared and indeed a wonder all things being rightly weighed that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God in not submitting quietly to his will the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me And upon examination finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him and so putting him in stead of God I did at last though with much repulse in my wicked spirit acknowledg it before the Lord and begg of him that he would shew me more and more what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke and that as he had now by his own immediate hand brought me within the letter of the promise being now fatherless that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ And thus I continued sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up though sometimes again inlarged Then about 2 or 3 moneths after being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother as also my self both at one time upon our bed of sickness visiting us with very strong feavers which being towards Winter brought us very low which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me At which time in the midst of all my weakness I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses though I could never make good any of these promises vowes or covenants by me so made hereupon I considered though with much trouble of spirit that I had found by sad and often experience that if I should live never so long I should live never the better nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burthen of my life and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me but contrarily I saw I was still pressed under with a body of death by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ and although I could not confidently beleeve that the Lord would be good to me yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else and therefore did desire to relye wholly upon him acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell and that if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me it was infinite unspeakable mercy Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more vvhich both my self and others about me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased after some fevv vveaks in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health all vvhich time being accompanied vvith many a sad thought my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal 42. 5 11. Wherein he calls his soul to accompt saying Why art thou cast down O my soul and
pleased the Lord so to order it Mr. Knight being absent Mr. Barker came in that day who was altogether unknown to me who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3 4 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others that I durst not think but to be the people of God now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these which were held out to us was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls from all vvhich being too large here to relate my soul received very much refreshing being in the close of that service put again upon it by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants to put the question to my soul at every turn doubt vvhence comest thou or vvherefore dost thou doubt and truely the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts feares jealousies and hard thoughts of God much provoke and dishonour him so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate I came now in some measure through grace to see that it vvas a heynous sin and therefore to endeavour strive and pray and do all I could against them Yet did often I lye under many sad apprehensions arising hence being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God or look up to him under this relation of a father only looking upon him as a gracious merciful and yet withall a just severe God this vvas a great trouble to my spirit then did the Lord by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1 4 12 13 14 15 19. vers Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular having no power to gainsay the duty required in it the Lord being pleased by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight and sometimes some others to come in further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul enabling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness nothingness the conrinual need I stood in of him vvithout vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing had nothing and could have nothing but only sin as also that fullness that is in him together vvith a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures vvho see the need they have of it and come to him for it vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do and that I might go vvholy out of my self and come to him for life then hearing that Mr. Knight and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that happily the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me if I could but see him clearing up my way and opening a door for me to joyn with them which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of being full of ebbings and flowings sometimes hoping a little and sometimes again full of fears Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do but often seeking the Lord concerning it who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution that through his grace assisting of me I would put it upon the trial relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul though in much weakness yet I hoped in truth and this I was the more willing unto that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready alwayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto yet rather than to deprive my self of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit yet not without many fears and that strong ones too that I should not be accepted of the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts that I would through his assistance do my duty and offer my self and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me I did desire to see his mind and to expect strength from him to submit to his will manitested through it acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved considering with all that my desire was chiefly and in the first place to approve my self to the Lord and if he saw it good to his people also but if otherwise my desire was though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it yet however to wait upon the Lord and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal which by providence I heard of and had a desire to be at which accordingly I did at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God that
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
that I might thereby be changed more into his own Image The 2. day of the 2. Month being this morning in some measure made sensible of my own deadness and dulness to the things of God and barrenness and unprofitableness under all the means of grace I apprehending it very righteous with the Lord to deal with me according to my desert and not to manifest any thing to my soul yet pressing him much though I deserved the contrary yet for his own name sake and for my Lord Jesus sake to be pleased to appear to my poor soul and let me have some sight of himself telling him that he had gloriously appeared formerly to my soul and he was the same still and O that he would now break through and give me a sweet kiss from himself and how gloriously did the Lord this day condesend and bow down to the desires of his poor unworthy vvorme through that servant of his Mr. Bramble by vvhom and through vvhom many seasonable truths were hinted to my spirit both in way of further reviving of my deadness and dulness and in vvay of comfort and direction for vvhich O that I could indeed bless and praise the name of this my glorious God The third day of the second Month. Having extream desire to go and heare Mr. Cradock the next day I told my Mother over night perswading her to it she having very urgent occasions but at last prevailing I found my self very much distempered next morning with a great cold which I had got notwithstanding which I got up but before I was quite dressed I had such a stitch took me in my back in such an extream manner that I knevv not how to lean any way it was in such an extream manner which held me for the space of two hours continually almost until it was full time to go in all which time I reasoned stil with my self what I shold do fearing I should not hold out that journy nor be able when I was there to sit to hear because of it yet at last having had such experience of God formerly I did desire now to rol upon him betook me to some short desires to him beseeching him if he saw it good to give me so much inward and outward strength as might at this time inable me to honor and glorifie him earnestly begging his appearance to my soul quickning and raising it conforming it more to himself with many other desires relating to my spiritual condition and how seasonably did the Lord come in this day through Mr. Cradocks Ministry both conveying of Counsels Cautions and Comforts The Comforts were from Rom. 8. 32. And for the stitch and pain in my back I bless the Lord it went so away that I felt it not all that while I was abroad but did as it were quite forget that it troubled me that day so did the Lord appear to my body also Many blessed sights the Lord gave me also this day through that servant of his Mrs. Blackborn whom I met at James hearing Mr. Cradock who came home vvith us and related much to me how it vvas vvith Mr. Cradock how sad his temptations vvere which came most seasonably to my consideration to take me off from rash thoughts I vvas ready to take up but the day before concerning others still many other seasonable things she hinted to me of the fears that often vvere upon her spirit touching self-ends fearing that she might desire beg for and seek after good things and yet all but out of self-ends complaining of the strife she found oftentimes between her judgment and affections yet being drawn out to bless God for denying of her that vvhich at the very present her affections ran out after all which jealousie and fears lying sadly upon my own spirit hearing her that was such an ancient Christian complain also of the same was to me a little refreshment Some scattered Meditations the second Month. 1654. COnsidering the vanity of all creatures compared with the Lord what is there in the creature desirable the best of men vvhich are the best of creatures are nothing else then vanity they are but a shadow compared vvith the substance nay they are but dark shadows now what wise creature is taken much with a shadovv what is there in creatures the best of creatures man himself that is desirable as for beauty that is vanity of vanities the rarest thing in this vanity should no way take upon a gracious spirit that was raised up to higher things but to go to the utmost hight the best things and most desirable in the best of men is their resemblances of or likeness unto the Lord yet in this they are but like unto pictures yea dark ones now who would be much taken vvith the Picture that might at the same time enjoy the thing that is pictured yet some Pictures made by the hand of man may in appearance far excel in beauty and loveliness the thing pictured and herein the best of creatures are but dark dead low resemblances yea very poor ones of the eternal God Pictures are often desired because of the fading uncertain enjoyment of the thing pictured which often times fadeth before the Picture but what creature comes near to the representation of God the Picture quickly fadeth and dyes but the substance is eternal Who then would desire or be over-much taken with such a Picture that perhaps seemeth fair to day but fadeth to morrow which is the condition of all finite creatures but that infinite God is an everlasting Father the Lord Jesus an ever-living Interceder and the Spirit of Truth an abiding Comforter yea in every Relation wherein the Lord is pleased to manifest himself he is that to his to all eternity Yea as Pictures are poor dead useless things in comparison of the person they resemble only a delighting the eye such are the very best of creatures compared with the Lord can they speak if he be silent can they effect ought if he withdraw Can they smile if he frown Can they refresh if he rebuke Can they heal if he wound Can they raise up if he cast down There is neither any life or motion in them separated from him they have eyes but see not ears but hear not hands but act not feet but walk not tongues but speak not to any spiritual advantage unless he that is the life of their lives puts life into all these and when he hath done acts in through by and with them The tenth day of the second Month. The Lord having been pleased to hint out to me by Mr. Bramble the 9th of the second Month 1654. that the Lord vvas pleased oftentimes in mercy to appoint some wearisom nights and dayes to his people wherein they could not take any rest that so they might call their own hearts to an account seriously before the Lord and the like which I pondering upon and thinking with my self how eminent the Lord hath appeared to my