thousand_o in_o so_o many_o country_n and_o kingdom_n shall_v be_v without_o the_o knowledge_n of_o the_o right_a way_n to_o heaven_n if_o there_o be_v indeed_o a_o heaven_n and_o that_o we_o only_o who_o live_v but_o in_o a_o corner_n of_o the_o earth_n shall_v alone_o be_v blessed_v therewith_o every_o one_o do_v think_v his_o owâ—_n religion_n right_a both_o jew_n and_o moorâ—_n and_o pagan_n and_o how_o if_o all_o our_o faith_n and_o christ_n and_o scripture_n shall_v be_v but_o a_o think-so_a too_o 79._o sometime_o i_o have_v endeavour_v to_o argue_v against_o these_o suggestion_n and_o to_o set_v some_o of_o the_o sentence_n of_o bless_a paul_n against_o they_o but_o alas_o i_o quick_o feel_v when_o i_o thus_o do_v such_o arguing_n as_o these_o will_v return_v again_o upon_o i_o though_o we_o make_v so_o great_a a_o matter_n of_o paul_n and_o of_o his_o word_n yet_o how_o can_v i_o tell_v but_o that_o in_o very_a deed_n he_o be_v a_o subtle_a and_o cunning_a man_n may_v give_v himself_o up_o to_o deceive_v with_o strong_a delusion_n and_o also_o take_v both_o that_o pain_n and_o travel_n to_o undo_v and_o destroy_v his_o fellow_n 80._o these_o suggestion_n with_o many_o other_o which_o at_o this_o time_n i_o may_v not_o nor_o dare_v not_o utter_v neither_o by_o word_n nor_o pen_n do_v make_v such_o a_o seizure_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o do_v so_o over-weigh_a my_o heart_n both_o with_o their_o number_n continuance_n and_o fiery_a force_n that_o i_o feel_v as_o if_o there_o be_v nothing_o else_o but_o these_o from_o morning_n to_o night_n within_o i_o and_o as_o though_o indeed_o there_o can_v be_v room_n for_o nothing_o else_o and_o also_o conclude_v that_o god_n have_v in_o very_a wrath_n to_o my_o soul_n give_v i_o up_o unto_o they_o to_o be_v carry_v away_o with_o they_o as_o with_o a_o mighty_a whirlwind_n 81._o only_o by_o the_o distaste_n that_o they_o give_v unto_o my_o spirit_n i_o feel_v there_o be_v something_o in_o i_o that_o refuse_v to_o embrace_v they_o but_o this_o consideration_n i_o then_o only_o have_v when_o god_n give_v i_o leave_v to_o swallow_v my_o spittle_n otherwise_o the_o noise_n and_o strength_n and_o force_v of_o these_o temptation_n will_v drown_v and_o overflow_v and_o as_o it_o be_v bury_v all_o such_o thought_n or_o the_o remembrance_n of_o any_o such_o thing_n while_o i_o be_v in_o this_o temptation_n i_o shall_v find_v often_o my_o mind_n sudden_o put_v upon_o it_o to_o curse_v and_o swear_v or_o to_o speak_v some_o grievous_a thing_n of_o god_n or_o christ_n his_o son_n and_o of_o the_o scripture_n 82._o now_o i_o think_v sure_o i_o be_o possess_v of_o the_o devil_n it_o other_o time_n again_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v be_v be_v rest_n of_o my_o wit_n for_o instead_o of_o laud_v and_o magnify_v of_o god_n the_o loâ—d_n with_o other_o if_o i_o have_v but_o hear_v he_o speak_v of_o present_o some_o most_o horrible_a blasphemous_a thought_n or_o other_o will_v bolt_n out_o of_o my_o heart_n against_o he_o so_o that_o whether_o i_o do_v think_v that_o god_n be_v or_o again_o do_v think_v there_o be_v no_o such_o thing_n no_o love_n nor_o peace_n nor_o gracious_a disposition_n can_v i_o feel_v within_o i_o 83_o these_o thing_n do_v sink_v i_o into_o very_o deep_a despair_n for_o i_o conclude_v that_o such_o thing_n can_v not_o possible_o be_v sound_n among_o they_o that_o love_v god_n i_o often_o when_o these_o temptation_n have_v be_v with_o force_n upon_o i_o do_v compare_v myself_o in_o the_o case_n of_o such_o a_o child_n who_o some_o gipsy_n have_v by_o force_n take_v up_o under_o her_o apron_n and_o be_v carry_v from_o friend_n and_o country_n kick_v sometime_o i_o do_v and_o also_o scream_v and_o cry_v but_o yet_o i_o be_v as_o bind_v in_o the_o wing_n of_o the_o temptation_n and_o the_o wind_n will_v carry_v i_o away_o i_o think_v also_o of_o saul_n and_o of_o the_o evil_a spirit_n that_o do_v possess_v he_o and_o do_v great_o fear_v that_o my_o condition_n be_v the_o same_o with_o that_o of_o he_o 84._o in_o these_o day_n when_o i_o have_v hear_v other_o talk_v of_o what_o be_v the_o sin_n against_o the_o holy_a ghost_n then_o will_v the_o tempter_n so_o provoke_v i_o to_o desire_v to_o sin_v that_o sin_n that_o i_o be_v as_o if_o i_o can_v not_o must_v not_o neither_o shall_v be_v quiet_a until_o i_o have_v commit_v that_o now_o no_o sin_n will_v serve_v but_o that_o if_o it_o be_v to_o be_v commit_v by_o speak_v of_o such_o a_o word_n than_o i_o have_v be_v as_o if_o my_o mouth_n will_v have_v speak_v that_o word_n whether_o i_o will_v or_o no_o and_o in_o so_o strong_a a_o measure_n be_v this_o temptation_n upon_o i_o that_o often_o i_o have_v be_v ready_a to_o clap_v my_o hand_n under_o my_o chin_n to_o hold_v my_o mouth_n from_o open_v and_o to_o that_o enâ—_n also_o i_o have_v have_v thought_n at_o other_o time_n to_o leap_v with_o my_o head_n downward_o into_o some_o muckhil-hole_n or_o other_o to_o keep_v my_o mouth_n from_o speak_v 85._o now_o i_o bless_v the_o condition_n of_o the_o doggâ—_n and_o toad_n and_o count_v the_o estate_n of_o every_o thinâ—_n that_o god_n have_v make_v far_o better_o than_o this_o dreadful_a state_n of_o i_o and_o such_o as_o my_o companion_n be_v yea_o glad_o will_v i_o have_v be_v in_o the_o condition_n of_o dog_n or_o horse_n for_o i_o know_v they_o have_v no_o soul_n to_o perish_v under_o the_o everlasting_a weight_n of_o hell_n for_o sin_n as_o i_o be_v like_a to_o do_v nay_o and_o though_o i_o see_v this_o feel_v this_o and_o be_v break_v to_o piece_n with_o it_o yet_o that_o which_o add_v to_o my_o sorrow_n be_v that_o i_o can_v not_o find_v that_o with_o all_o my_o soul_n i_o do_v desire_v deliverance_n that_o scripture_n also_o do_v tear_n and_o rend_v my_o soul_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o these_o distraction_n the_o wicked_a be_v like_o the_o trouble_a sea_n which_o can_v rest_v who_o water_n cast_v up_o mire_n and_o dirt_n there_o be_v no_o peace_n the_o wicked_a say_v my_o god_n isa._n 57.20_o 21._o 86._o while_o this_o temptation_n last_v which_o be_v about_o a_o year_n i_o can_v attend_v upon_o none_o of_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n but_o with_o sore_a and_o great_a affliction_n yea_o then_o be_v i_o most_o distress_a with_o blasphemy_n if_o i_o have_v be_v hear_v the_o word_n than_o uncleanness_n blasphemy_n and_o despair_n will_v hold_v i_o as_o captive_n there_o if_o i_o have_v be_v read_v then_o sometime_o i_o have_v sudden_a thought_n to_o question_v all_o i_o read_v sometime_o again_o my_o mind_n will_v be_v so_o strange_o snatch_v away_o and_o possess_v with_o other_o thing_n that_o i_o have_v neither_o know_v nor_o regard_v nor_o remember_v so_o much_o as_o the_o sentence_n that_o but_o now_o i_o have_v read_v 87._o in_o prayer_n also_o i_o have_v be_v great_o trouble_v at_o this_o time_n sometime_o i_o have_v think_v i_o shall_v see_v the_o devil_n nay_o think_v i_o have_v feel_v he_o behind_o i_o pull_v my_o clothes_n he_o will_v be_v also_o continual_o at_o i_o in_o the_o time_n of_o prayer_n to_o have_v do_v break_v off_o make_v haste_n you_o have_v pray_v enough_o and_o stay_v no_o long_o still_o draw_v my_o mind_n away_o sometime_o also_o he_o will_v cast_v in_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o that_o i_o must_v pray_v to_o he_o or_o for_o he_o i_o have_v think_v sometime_o of_o that_o fall_v down_o or_o if_o thou_o will_v fall_v down_o and_o worship_v i_o 88_o also_o when_o because_o i_o have_v have_v wander_v thought_n in_o the_o time_n of_o this_o duty_n i_o have_v labour_v to_o compose_v my_o mind_n and_o fix_v it_o upon_o god_n then_o with_o great_a force_n have_v the_o tempter_n labour_v to_o distract_v i_o and_o confound_v i_o and_o to_o turn_v away_o my_o mind_n by_o present_v to_o my_o heart_n and_o fancy_n the_o form_n of_o a_o bush_n a_o bull_n a_o besom_n or_o the_o like_a as_o if_o i_o shall_v pray_v to_o those_o to_o these_o also_o he_o will_v at_o sometime_o especial_o so_o hold_v my_o mind_n that_o i_o be_v as_o if_o i_o can_v think_v of_o nothing_o else_o or_o pray_v to_o nothing_o else_o but_o to_o these_o or_o such_o as_o they_o 89._o yet_o at_o time_n i_o shall_v have_v some_o strong_a and_o heart-affecting_a apprehension_n of_o god_n and_o the_o reality_n of_o the_o truth_n of_o his_o gospel_n but_o oh_o how_o will_v my_o heart_n at_o such_o time_n put_v forth_o itself_o with_o unexpressable_a groan_n my_o whole_a soul_n be_v then_o in_o every_o word_n i_o shall_v cry_v with_o pang_n after_o god_n that_o he_o will_v be_v merciful_a to_o i_o but_o then_o i_o shall_v be_v daunt_v again_o
and_o the_o practice_n of_o piety_n which_o her_o father_n have_v leave_v heâ—_n when_o he_o die_v in_o these_o two_o book_n i_o shall_v sometime_o read_v with_o she_o wherein_o i_o also_o find_v somâ—_n thing_n that_o be_v somewhat_o please_v to_o i_o buâ—_n all_o this_o while_n i_o meet_v with_o no_o conviction_n she_o alsâ—_n will_v be_v often_o tell_v of_o i_o what_o a_o godly_a man_n heâ—_n fatâ—er_n be_v and_o how_o he_o will_v reprove_v and_o correct_v vice_n both_o in_o his_o house_n and_o among_o his_o neighbour_n what_o a_o strict_a and_o holy_a life_n he_o live_v in_o his_o day_n both_o in_o word_n and_o deed_n 12._o wherefore_o these_o book_n with_o this_o relation_n though_o they_o do_v not_o reach_v my_o heart_n to_o awaken_v it_o about_o my_o sad_a and_o sinful_a state_n yet_o they_o do_v beget_v within_o i_o some_o desire_n to_o religion_n so_o that_o because_o i_o know_v no_o better_o i_o fall_v in_o very_o eager_o with_o the_o religion_n of_o the_o time_n to_o wit_n to_o go_v to_o church_n twice_o a_o day_n and_o that_o too_o with_o the_o foremost_a and_o there_o shall_v very_o devout_o both_o say_v and_o sing_v as_o other_o do_v yet_o retain_v my_o wicked_a life_n but_o withal_o i_o be_v so_o overrun_v with_o a_o spirit_n of_o superstition_n that_o i_o adore_v and_o that_o with_o great_a devotion_n even_o all_o thing_n both_o the_o high-place_n priest_n clerk_z vestment_n service_n and_o what_o else_o belong_v to_o the_o church_n count_v all_o thing_n holy_a that_o be_v therein_o contain_v and_o especial_o the_o priest_n and_o clerk_n most_o happy_a and_o without_o doubt_n great_o bless_v because_o they_o be_v the_o servant_n as_o i_o then_o think_v of_o god_n and_o be_v principal_a in_o the_o holy_a temple_n to_o do_v his_o work_n therein_o 13._o this_o conceit_n grow_v so_o strong_a in_o little_a time_n upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o have_v i_o but_o see_v a_o priest_n though_o never_o so_o sordid_a and_o debauch_a in_o his_o life_n i_o shall_v find_v my_o spirit_n fall_v under_o he_o reverence_v he_o and_o knit_v unto_o he_o yea_o i_o think_v for_o the_o love_n i_o do_v bear_v unto_o they_o suppose_v they_o be_v the_o minister_n of_o my_o god_n i_o can_v have_v lie_v down_o at_o their_o foot_n and_o have_v be_v trample_v upon_o by_o they_o their_o name_n their_o garb_n and_o work_v do_v so_o intoxicate_a and_o bewitch_v i_o 14._o after_o i_o have_v be_v thus_o for_o some_o considerable_a time_n another_o thought_n come_v into_o my_o mind_n and_o that_o be_v whether_o we_o be_v of_o the_o israelite_n or_o no_o for_o find_v in_o the_o scripture_n that_o they_o be_v once_o the_o peculiar_a people_n of_o god_n think_v i_o if_o i_o be_v one_o of_o this_o race_n my_o soul_n must_v needs_o be_v happy_a now_o again_o i_o find_v within_o i_o a_o great_a longing_n to_o be_v resolve_v about_o this_o question_n but_o can_v not_o tell_v how_o i_o shall_v at_o last_o i_o ask_v my_o father_n of_o it_o who_o tell_v i_o no_o we_o be_v not_o wherefore_o then_o i_o fall_v in_o my_o spirit_n as_o to_o the_o hope_n of_o that_o and_o so_o remain_v 15._o but_o all_o this_o while_n i_o be_v not_o sensible_a of_o the_o danger_n and_o evil_n of_o sin_n i_o be_v keep_v from_o consider_v that_o sin_n will_v damn_v i_o what_o religion_n soever_o i_o follow_v unless_o i_o be_v find_v in_o christ_n nay_o i_o never_o think_v of_o he_o nor_o whether_o there_o be_v one_o or_o no._n thus_o man_n while_o blind_a do_v wander_v but_o weary_v himself_o with_o vanity_n for_o he_o know_v not_o the_o way_n to_o the_o city_n of_o god_n eccles._n 10.15_o 16._o but_o one_o day_n among_o all_o the_o sermon_n our_o parson_n make_v his_o subject_n be_v to_o treat_v of_o the_o sabbath_n day_n and_o of_o the_o evil_a of_o break_v that_o either_o with_o labour_n sport_n or_o otherwise_o now_o i_o be_v one_o that_o take_v much_o delight_n in_o all_o manner_n of_o vice_n and_o especial_o that_o be_v the_o day_n that_o i_o do_v solace_v myself_o therewith_o wherefore_o i_o fall_v in_o my_o conscience_n under_o his_o sermon_n think_v and_o believe_v that_o he_o make_v that_o sermon_n on_o purpose_n to_o show_v i_o my_o evil-doing_a and_o at_o that_o time_n i_o feel_v what_o guilt_n be_v though_o never_o before_o that_o i_o can_v remember_v but_o then_o i_o be_v for_o the_o present_a great_o load_v therewith_o and_o so_o go_v home_o when_o the_o sermon_n be_v end_v with_o a_o great_a burden_n on_o my_o spirit_n 17._o this_o for_o that_o instant_n do_v cut_v the_o sinew_n of_o my_o delight_n and_o do_v embitter_v my_o former_a pleasure_n to_o i_o but_o behold_v it_o last_v not_o for_o before_o i_o have_v well_o dine_v the_o trouble_n begin_v to_o go_v off_o my_o mind_n and_o my_o heart_n return_v to_o its_o old_a course_n but_o oh_o how_o glad_a be_v i_o that_o this_o trouble_n be_v go_v from_o i_o and_o that_o the_o fire_n be_v put_v out_o wherefore_o when_o i_o have_v satisfy_v nature_n with_o my_o food_n i_o shake_v the_o sermon_n out_o my_o mind_n and_o to_o my_o old_a custom_n of_o sport_n and_o game_n i_o return_v with_o great_a delight_n 18._o but_o the_o same_o day_n as_o i_o be_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o a_o game_n at_o cat_n and_o have_v strike_v it_o one_o blow_n from_o the_o hole_n just_a as_o i_o be_v about_o to_o strike_v it_o the_o second_o time_n a_o voice_n do_v sudden_o dart_v from_o heaven_n into_o my_o soul_n which_o say_v will_v thou_o leave_v thy_o sin_n and_o go_v to_o heaven_n or_o have_v thy_o sin_n and_o go_v to_o hell_n at_o this_o i_o be_v put_v to_o a_o exceed_a maze_n wherefore_o leave_v my_o cat_n upon_o the_o ground_n i_o look_v up_o to_o heaven_n and_o be_v as_o if_o i_o have_v with_o the_o eye_n of_o my_o understanding_n see_v the_o lord_n jesus_n look_v down_o upon_o i_o as_o be_v very_o hot_o displease_v with_o i_o and_o as_o if_o he_o do_v severe_o threaten_v i_o with_o some_o grievous_a punishment_n for_o these_o and_o other_o my_o ungodly_a practice_n 19_o i_o have_v no_o soon_o thus_o conceive_v in_o my_o mind_n but_o sudden_o this_o conclusion_n be_v fasten_v on_o my_o spirit_n for_o the_o former_a hint_n do_v set_v my_o sin_n again_o before_o my_o face_n that_o i_o have_v be_v a_o great_a and_o grievous_a sinner_n and_o that_o it_o be_v now_o too_o too_o late_o for_o i_o to_o look_v after_o heaâ—â—n_n for_o christ_n will_v not_o forgive_v i_o nor_o pardon_v my_o transgression_n then_o i_o fall_v to_o muse_v upon_o this_o also_o and_o while_o i_o be_v think_v on_o it_o and_o fear_v lest_o it_o shall_v be_v so_o i_o feel_v my_o heart_n sink_v in_o despair_n conclude_v it_o be_v too_o late_o and_o therefore_o i_o resolve_v in_o my_o mind_n i_o will_v go_v on_o in_o sin_n for_o think_v i_o if_o the_o case_n be_v thus_o my_o state_n be_v sure_o miserable_a miserable_a if_o i_o leave_v my_o sin_n and_o but_o miserable_a if_o i_o follow_v they_o i_o can_v but_o be_v damn_v and_o if_o it_o must_v be_v so_o i_o have_v as_o good_a be_v damn_v for_o many_o sin_n as_o to_o be_v damn_v for_o few_o 20._o thus_o i_o stand_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o my_o play_n before_z â—ll_z that_o then_o be_v present_a but_o yet_o i_o tell_v they_o â—othing_v but_o i_o say_v i_o have_v make_v this_o conclusion_n â—_o return_v to_o my_o spoâ—t_n again_o and_o i_o well_o remember_v that_o present_o this_o kind_n of_o despair_n do_v so_o possess_v my_o soul_n that_o i_o be_v persuade_v i_o can_v never_o attain_v to_o other_o comfort_n then_o what_o i_o shall_v get_v in_o sin_n for_o heaven_n be_v go_v already_o so_o that_o on_o that_o i_o must_v not_o think_v wherefore_o i_o find_v within_o i_o a_o great_a desire_n to_o take_v my_o fill_n of_o sin_n still_o study_v what_o sin_n be_v yet_o to_o be_v commit_v that_o i_o may_v taste_v the_o sweetness_n of_o it_o and_o i_o make_v as_o much_o haste_n as_o i_o can_v to_o fill_v my_o belly_n with_o its_o delicate_n lest_o i_o shall_v die_v before_o i_o have_v my_o desire_n for_o that_o i_o sear_v great_o in_o these_o thing_n i_o protest_v before_o god_n i_o lyâ—_n not_o neither_o do_v i_o feign_v this_o form_n of_o speech_n these_o be_v real_o strong_o and_o with_o all_o my_o heart_n my_o desire_n the_o good_a lord_n who_o mercy_n be_v unsearchable_a forgive_v i_o my_o transgression_n 21._o and_o i_o be_o very_o confident_a that_o this_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n be_v more_o usual_a among_o poor_a creature_n than_o many_o be_v aware_a of_o even_o to_o overrun_v theiâ—_n spirit_n with_o a_o scurvy_a and_o sear_a frame_n of_o heart_n and_o benumb_a of_o conscience_n
yea_o it_o be_v so_o fix_v on_o eternity_n and_o on_o the_o thing_n about_o the_o kingdom_n of_o heaven_n that_o be_v so_o far_o as_o i_o know_v though_o as_o yet_o god_n know_v i_o know_v but_o little_a that_o neither_o pleasure_n nor_o profit_n nor_o persuasion_n nor_o threat_n can_v loosen_v it_o or_o make_v it_o let_v go_v its_o hold_n and_o though_o i_o may_v speak_v it_o with_o shame_n yet_o it_o be_v in_o very_a deed_n a_o certain_a truth_n it_o will_v then_o have_v be_v as_o difficult_a for_o i_o to_o have_v take_v my_o mind_n from_o heaven_n to_o earth_n as_o i_o have_v find_v it_o often_o since_o to_o get_v it_o again_o from_o earth_n to_o heaven_n 34._o and_o now_o i_o think_v i_o begin_v to_o look_v into_o the_o bible_n with_o new_a eye_n and_o read_v as_o i_o never_o do_v before_o and_o especial_o the_o epistle_n of_o the_o apostle_n paul_n be_v sweet_a and_o pleasant_a to_o i_o and_o indeed_o i_o be_v then_o never_o out_o of_o the_o bible_n either_o by_o read_v or_o meditation_n still_o cry_v out_o to_o god_n that_o i_o may_v know_v the_o truth_n and_o way_n to_o heaven_n and_o glory_n 35._o and_o as_o i_o go_v on_o and_o read_v i_o light_v on_o that_o passage_n to_o one_o be_v give_v by_o the_o spirit_n the_o word_n of_o wisdom_n to_o another_o the_o word_n of_o knowledge_n by_o the_o same_o spirit_n and_o to_o another_o faith_n etc._n etc._n 1_o cor._n 12._o and_o though_o as_o i_o have_v since_o see_v that_o by_o this_o scripture_n the_o holy_a ghost_n intend_v in_o special_a thing_n extraordinary_a yet_o on_o i_o it_o then_o do_v fasten_v with_o conviction_n that_o i_o do_v want_v thing_n ordinary_a even_o that_o understanding_n and_o wisdom_n that_o other_o christian_n have_v on_o this_o word_n i_o muse_v and_o can_v not_o tell_v what_o to_o do_v for_o i_o fear_v it_o shut_v i_o out_o of_o all_o the_o blessing_n that_o other_o good_a people_n have_v give_v they_o of_o god_n but_o i_o be_v loath_a to_o conclude_v i_o have_v no_o faith_n in_o my_o soul_n for_o if_o i_o do_v so_o think_v i_o than_o i_o shall_v count_v myself_o a_o very_a castaway_n indeed_o 36._o no_o say_v i_o with_o myself_o though_o i_o be_o convince_v that_o i_o be_o a_o ignorant_a sot_n and_o that_o i_o want_v those_o bless_a gift_n of_o knowledge_n and_o understanding_n that_o other_o good_a people_n have_v yet_o at_o a_o venture_n i_o will_v conclude_v i_o be_o not_o altogether_o faithless_a though_o i_o know_v not_o what_o faith_n be_v for_o it_o be_v show_v i_o and_o that_o too_o as_o i_o have_v since_o see_v by_o satan_n that_o those_o who_o conclude_v themselves_o in_o a_o faithless_a state_n have_v neither_o rest_n nor_o quiet_a in_o their_o soul_n and_o â—_o be_v loath_a to_o fall_v quite_o into_o despair_n 37._o wherefore_o by_o this_o suggestion_n i_o be_v for_o a_o while_o make_v afraid_a to_o see_v my_o want_n of_o faith_n but_o god_n will_v not_o suffer_v i_o thus_o to_o undo_v and_o destroy_v my_o soul_n but_o do_v continual_o against_o this_o my_o blind_a and_o sad_a conclusion_n create_v still_o within_o i_o such_o supposition_n that_o i_o may_v in_o this_o deceive_v myself_o that_o i_o can_v not_o rest_v conâ—ent_a until_o i_o do_v now_o come_v to_o some_o certain_a knowledge_n whether_o i_o have_v faith_n or_o no_o this_o always_o run_v in_o my_o mind_n but_o how_o if_o you_o want_v faith_n indeed_o but_o how_o can_v you_o tell_v you_o have_v faith_n 38._o so_o that_o though_o i_o endeavour_v at_o the_o first_o to_o look_v over_o the_o business_n of_o faith_n yet_o in_o a_o little_a time_n i_o better_o consider_v the_o matter_n be_v willing_a to_o put_v myself_o upon_o the_o trial_n whether_o i_o have_v faith_n or_o no._n but_o alas_o poor_a wretch_n so_o ignorant_a and_o brutish_a be_v i_o that_o i_o know_v to_o this_o day_n no_o more_o how_o to_o do_v it_o than_o i_o know_v how_o to_o begin_v and_o accomplish_v that_o rare_a and_o curious_a piece_n of_o art_n which_o i_o never_o yet_o see_v nor_o consider_v 39_o wherefore_o while_o i_o be_v thus_o consider_v and_o be_v put_v to_o my_o plunge_n about_o it_o for_o you_o must_v know_v that_o as_o yet_o i_o have_v in_o this_o matter_n break_v my_o mind_n to_o no_o man_n only_o do_v hear_v and_o consider_v the_o tempter_n come_v in_o with_o this_o delusion_n that_o there_o be_v no_o way_n for_o i_o to_o know_v i_o have_v faith_n but_o by_o try_v to_o work_v some_o miracle_n urge_v those_o scripture_n that_o seem_v to_o look_v that_o way_n for_o the_o enforce_a and_o strengthen_v his_o temptation_n nay_o one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v betwixt_o elstow_n and_o bedford_n the_o temptation_n be_v hot_a upon_o i_o to_o try_v if_o i_o have_v faith_n by_o do_v of_o some_o miracle_n which_o miracle_n at_o that_o time_n be_v this_o i_o must_v say_v to_o the_o puddle_n that_o be_v in_o the_o horse_n pad_n be_v dry_a and_o to_o the_o dry_a place_n be_v you_o the_o puddle_n and_o true_o one_o time_n i_o be_v a_o go_v to_o say_v so_o indeed_o but_o just_a as_o i_o be_v about_o to_o speak_v this_o thought_n come_v into_o my_o mind_n but_o go_v under_o yonder_o hedge_n and_o pray_v first_o that_o god_n will_v make_v you_o able_a but_o when_o i_o have_v conclude_v to_o pray_v this_o come_v hot_a upon_o i_o that_o if_o i_o pray_v and_o come_v again_o and_o try_v to_o do_v it_o and_o yet_o do_v nothing_o notwithstanding_o than_o besure_n i_o have_v no_o faith_n but_o be_v a_o castaway_n and_o lose_v nay_o think_v i_o if_o it_o be_v so_o i_o will_v never_o try_v yet_o but_o will_v stay_v a_o little_a long_o 40._o so_o i_o continue_v at_o a_o great_a loss_n for_o i_o think_v if_o they_o only_o have_v faith_n which_o can_v do_v such_o wonderful_a thing_n than_o i_o conclude_v that_o for_o the_o present_a i_o neither_o have_v it_o nor_o yet_o for_o time_n to_o come_v be_v ever_o like_a to_o have_v it_o thus_o i_o be_v toss_v betwixt_o the_o devil_n and_o my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o so_o perplex_v especial_o at_o some_o time_n that_o i_o can_v not_o tell_v what_o to_o do_v 41._o about_o this_o time_n the_o state_n and_o happiness_n of_o these_o poor_a people_n at_o bedford_n be_v thus_o in_o a_o dream_n or_o vision_n represent_v to_o i_o i_o see_v as_o if_o they_o be_v set_v on_o the_o sunny_a side_n of_o some_o high_a mountain_n there_o refresh_v themselves_o with_o the_o pleasant_a beam_n of_o the_o sun_n while_o i_o be_v shiver_v and_o shrink_v in_o the_o cold_a afflict_v with_o frost_n snow_n and_o dark_a cloud_n methinks_v also_o betwixt_o i_o and_o they_o i_o see_v a_o wall_n that_o do_v compass_v about_o this_o mountain_n now_o through_o this_o wall_n my_o soul_n do_v great_o desire_v to_o pass_v conclude_v that_o if_o i_o can_v i_o will_v go_v even_o into_o the_o very_a midst_n of_o they_o and_o there_o also_o comfort_v myself_o with_o the_o heat_n of_o their_o sun_n 42._o about_o this_o wall_n i_o think_v myself_o to_o go_v again_o and_o again_o still_o pry_v as_o i_o go_v to_o see_v if_o i_o can_v find_v some_o way_n or_o passage_n by_o which_o i_o may_v enter_v therein_o but_o none_o can_v i_o find_v for_o some_o time_n at_o the_o last_o i_o see_v as_o it_o be_v a_o narrow_a gap_n like_o a_o little_a door-way_n in_o the_o wall_n through_o which_o i_o attempt_v to_o pass_v but_o the_o passage_n be_v very_o straight_o and_o narrow_a i_o make_v many_o offer_n to_o get_v in_o but_o all_o in_o vain_a even_o until_o i_o be_v well_o nigh_o quite_o beat_v out_o by_o strive_v to_o get_v in_o at_o last_o with_o great_a strive_v i_o think_v i_o at_o first_o do_v get_v in_o my_o head_n &_o after_o that_o by_o a_o side-ling_n strive_v my_o shoulder_n and_o my_o whole_a body_n then_o be_v i_o exceed_o glad_a and_o go_v and_o sit_v down_o in_o the_o midst_n of_o they_o and_o so_o be_v comfort_v with_o the_o light_n and_o heat_n of_o their_o sun_n 43._o now_o this_o mountain_n and_o wall_n etc._n etc._n be_v thus_o make_v out_o to_o i_o the_o mountain_n signify_v the_o church_n of_o the_o live_a god_n the_o sun_n that_o shine_v thereon_o the_o comfortable_a shine_a of_o his_o merciful_a face_n on_o they_o â—hat_n be_v therein_o the_o wall_n i_o think_v be_v the_o word_n â—hat_n do_v make_v separation_n between_o the_o christian_n â—nd_v the_o world_n and_o the_o gap_n which_o be_v in_o this_o wall_n i_o think_v be_v jesus_n christ_n who_o be_v the_o way_n â—o_o god_n the_o father_n but_o for_o as_o much_o as_o the_o passage_n be_v wonderful_a narrow_a even_o so_o narrow_a that_o iâ—ould_v â—ould_z not_o but_o with_o great_a difficulty_n enter_v in_o thereâ—t_fw-la it_o
show_v i_o that_o none_o can_v enter_v into_o life_n â—ut_v thoâ—e_o that_o be_v in_o downright_a earnest_n and_o â—nless_a also_o they_o leave_v this_o wicked_a world_n behind_o â—â—em_n for_o here_o be_v only_o room_n for_o body_n and_o soul_n â—ut_v not_o for_o body_n and_o soul_n and_o sin_n 44._o this_o resemblance_n abode_n upon_o my_o spirit_n many_o day_n all_o which_o time_n i_o see_v myself_o in_o a_o sorlorn_a and_o sad_a condition_n but_o yet_o be_v provoke_v to_o a_o vehement_a hunger_n and_o desire_v to_o be_v one_o of_o that_o number_n that_o do_v sit_v in_o this_o sunshine_n now_o also_o i_o shall_v pray_v where_o ever_o i_o be_v whether_o at_o home_n or_o a_o broad_a in_o house_n or_o field_n and_o shall_v also_o often_o with_o lift_v up_o of_o heart_n sing_v that_o of_o the_o fifty_o first_o psalm_n o_o lord_n consider_v my_o distress_n for_o as_o yet_o i_o know_v not_o where_o i_o be_v 45._o neither_o as_o yet_o can_v i_o attain_v to_o any_o comfortable_a persuasion_n that_o i_o have_v faith_n in_o chirst_n but_o instead_o of_o have_v satisfaction_n here_o i_o begin_v to_o find_v my_o soul_n to_o be_v assault_v with_o fresth_n doubt_v about_o my_o future_a happiness_n especial_o with_o such_o as_o these_o whether_o i_o be_v elect_v but_o how_o if_o the_o day_n of_o grace_n shall_v now_o be_v past_a and_o go_v 46._o by_o these_o two_o temptation_n i_o be_v very_o much_o afflict_v and_o disquiet_v sometime_o by_o one_o and_o sometime_o by_o the_o other_o of_o they_o and_o first_o to_o speak_v of_o that_o about_o my_o question_v my_o election_n i_o find_v â—t_a this_o time_n that_o though_o i_o be_v in_o a_o flame_n to_o find_v the_o way_n to_o heaven_n and_o glory_n and_o though_o nothing_o can_v beat_v i_o off_o from_o this_o yet_o this_o question_n do_v so_o offend_v and_o discourage_v i_o that_o i_o be_v especial_o at_o sometime_o as_o if_o the_o very_a strength_n of_o my_o body_n also_o have_v be_v take_v away_o by_o the_o force_n and_o power_n thereof_o this_o scripture_n also_o do_v seem_v to_o i_o tâ—_n trample_v upon_o all_o my_o desire_n it_o be_v neither_o in_o he_o that_o will_v nor_o in_o he_o that_o run_v but_o in_o god_n thâ—â—_n show_v mercy_n rome_n 9_o 47._o with_o this_o scripture_n i_o can_v not_o tell_v what_o to_o do_v for_o i_o evident_o see_v that_o unless_o the_o great_a god_n of_o hiâ—_n infinite_a grace_n and_o bounty_n have_v voluntary_o chosâ—_n i_o to_o be_v a_o vessel_n of_o mercy_n though_o i_o shall_v desire_v and_o long_o and_o labour_n until_o my_o heart_n do_v break_v 〈◊〉_d good_a can_v come_v of_o it_o therefore_o this_o wouâ—â—_n still_o stick_v with_o i_o how_o can_v you_o tell_v you_o be_v â—lected_v and_o what_o if_o you_o shall_v not_o how_o then_o 48._o o_o lord_n think_v i_o what_o if_o i_o shall_v not_o indeed_o it_o may_v be_v you_o be_v not_o lay_v the_o tempter_n it_o may_v be_v so_o indeed_o think_v i._o why_o then_o â—aid_n satan_n you_o have_v as_o good_a leave_n off_o and_o strive_v no_o further_o for_o if_o indeed_o you_o shall_v not_o be_v elect_v and_o choose_v of_o god_n there_o be_v no_o talk_n of_o your_o be_v save_v for_o it_o be_v neither_o in_o he_o that_o will_v nor_o in_o he_o that_o run_v but_o in_o god_n that_o show_v mercy_n 49._o by_o these_o thing_n i_o be_v drive_v to_o my_o wit_n end_n not_o know_v what_o to_o say_v or_o how_o to_o answer_v these_o temptation_n indeed_o i_o little_o think_v that_o satan_n have_v thus_o assault_v i_o but_o that_o rather_o it_o be_v my_o own_o prudence_n thus_o to_o start_v the_o question_n for_o that_o the_o elect_a only_o attain_v eternal_a life_n that_o i_o without_o scruple_n do_v hearty_o close_a withal_o but_o that_o myself_o be_v one_o of_o they_o there_o lay_v all_o the_o question_n 50._o thus_o therefore_o for_o several_a day_n i_o be_v great_o assault_v and_o perplex_v and_o be_v often_o when_o i_o have_v be_v walk_v ready_a to_o sink_v where_o i_o go_v with_o faintness_n in_o my_o mind_n but_o one_o day_n after_o i_o have_v be_v so_o many_o week_n oppress_v and_o cast_v down_o therewith_o as_o i_o be_v now_o quite_o give_v up_o the_o ghost_n of_o all_o my_o hope_n of_o ever_o attain_v life_n that_o sentence_n fall_v with_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n look_v at_o the_o generation_n of_o old_a and_o see_v do_v ever_o any_o trust_n in_o god_n and_o be_v confound_v 51._o at_o which_o i_o be_v great_o lighten_v and_o encourage_v in_o my_o soul_n for_o thus_o at_o that_o very_a instant_n it_o be_v expound_v to_o i_o begin_v at_o the_o begin_n of_o genesis_n and_o read_v to_o the_o end_n of_o the_o revelation_n see_v if_o you_o can_v find_v that_o there_o be_v any_o that_o ever_o trust_v in_o the_o lord_n and_o be_v confound_v so_o come_v home_o i_o present_o go_v to_o my_o bible_n to_o see_v if_o i_o can_v find_v that_o say_n not_o doubt_v but_o to_o find_v it_o present_o for_o it_o be_v so_o fresh_a and_o with_o such_o strength_n and_o comfort_n on_o my_o spirit_n that_o i_o be_v as_o if_o it_o talk_v with_o i_o 52._o well_o i_o look_v but_o i_o find_v it_o not_o only_o it_o abide_v upon_o i_o then_o i_o do_v ask_v first_o this_o good_a man_n and_o then_o another_o if_o they_o know_v where_o it_o be_v but_o they_o know_v no_o such_o place_n at_o this_o i_o wonder_v that_o such_o a_o sentence_n shall_v so_o sudden_o and_o with_o such_o comfort_n and_o strength_n seize_v and_o abide_v upon_o my_o heart_n and_o yet_o that_o none_o can_v find_v it_o for_o i_o doubt_v not_o but_o it_o be_v in_o holy_a scripture_n 53._o thus_o i_o continue_v above_o a_o year_n and_o can_v not_o find_v the_o place_n but_o at_o last_o cast_v my_o eye_n into_o the_o apocrypha-book_n i_o sound_v it_o in_o ecclesiasticus_fw-la this_o at_o the_o first_o do_v somewhat_o daunt_v i_o but_o because_o by_o this_o time_n i_o have_v get_v more_o experience_n of_o the_o love_n and_o kindness_n of_o god_n it_o trouble_v i_o the_o less_o especial_o when_o i_o consider_v that_o though_o it_o be_v not_o in_o those_o text_n that_o we_o call_v holy_a and_o canonical_a yet_o for_o as_o much_o as_o this_o sentence_n be_v the_o sum_n and_o substance_n of_o many_o of_o the_o promise_n it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o to_o take_v the_o comfort_n of_o it_o and_o i_o bless_v god_n for_o that_o word_n for_o it_o be_v of_o god_n to_o i_o that_o word_n do_v still_o at_o time_n shine_v before_o my_o face_n 54._o after_o this_o that_o other_o doubt_n do_v come_v with_o strength_n upon_o i_o but_o how_o if_o the_o day_n of_o grace_n shall_v be_v pass_v and_o go_v how_o if_o you_o have_v overstood_a the_o time_n of_o mercy_n now_o i_o remember_v that_o one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v walk_v into_o the_o country_n i_o be_v much_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o this_o but_o how_o if_o the_o day_n of_o grace_n be_v pass_v and_o to_o aggravate_v my_o trouble_n the_o tempter_n present_v to_o my_o mind_n those_o good_a people_n of_o bedford_n and_o suggest_v thus_o unto_o i_o that_o these_o be_v convert_v already_o they_o be_v all_o that_o god_n will_v save_v in_o those_o part_n &_o that_o i_o come_v too_o late_o for_o these_o have_v get_v the_o blessing_n before_o i_o come_v 55._o now_o be_v i_o in_o great_a distress_n think_v in_o very_a deed_n that_o this_o may_v well_o be_v so_o wherefore_o i_o wenâ—_n up_o and_o down_o bemoan_v my_o sad_a condition_n count_v myself_o far_o worse_o than_o a_o thousand_o fool_n for_o stand_v off_o thus_o long_o and_o spend_v so_o many_o year_n in_o sin_n as_o i_o have_v do_v still_o cry_v out_o oh_o that_o i_o have_v turn_v soon_o oh_o that_o i_o have_v turn_v seven_o year_n ago_o it_o make_v i_o also_o angry_a with_o myself_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v have_v no_o more_o wit_n but_o to_o trifle_v away_o my_o time_n till_o my_o soul_n and_o heaven_n be_v lose_v 56._o but_o when_o i_o have_v be_v long_o vex_v with_o this_o fear_n and_o be_v scarce_o able_a to_o take_v one_o step_n more_o just_a about_o the_o same_o place_n where_o i_o receive_v my_o other_o encouragement_n these_o word_n break_v in_o upon_o my_o mind_n compel_v they_o to_o come_v in_o that_o my_o house_n may_v be_v fill_v and_o yet_o there_o be_v room_n luke_n 14.22_o 23._o these_o word_n but_o especial_o they_o and_o yet_o there_o be_v room_n be_v sweet_a word_n to_o i_o for_o true_o i_o think_v that_o by_o they_o i_o see_v that_o there_o be_v place_n enough_o in_o heaven_n for_o i_o and_o moreover_o that_o when_o the_o lord_n jesus_n do_v speak_v these_o word_n he_o then_o do_v think_v of_o i_o and_o that_o he_o
i_o i_o can_v have_v enlarge_v much_o in_o this_o my_o discourse_n of_o my_o temptation_n and_o trouble_n for_o sin_n as_o also_o of_o the_o merciful_a kindness_n and_o work_n of_o god_n with_o my_o soul_n i_o can_v also_o have_v step_v into_o a_o stile_n much_o high_a than_o this_o in_o which_o i_o have_v here_o discourse_v and_o can_v have_v adorn_v all_o thing_n more_o theâ—_n here_o i_o have_v seem_v to_o do_v but_o i_o dare_v not_o god_n do_v not_o play_v in_o convince_a of_o i_o the_o devil_n do_v not_o play_v in_o tempt_v of_o i_o neither_o do_v i_o play_v when_o i_o sink_v as_o into_o a_o bottomless_a pit_n when_o the_o pang_n of_o hell_n catch_v hold_n upon_o i_o wherefore_o i_o may_v not_o play_v in_o my_o relate_n of_o they_o but_o be_v plain_a and_o simple_a and_o lay_v down_o the_o thing_n as_o iâ—_n be_v he_o that_o like_v it_o let_v he_o receive_v it_o and_o he_o that_o do_v not_o let_v he_o produce_v a_o better_a farewell_o my_o dear_a child_n the_o milk_n and_o honey_n be_v beyond_o this_o wilderness_n god_n be_v merciful_a to_o you_o and_o grant_v you_o be_v not_o slothful_a to_o go_v in_o to_o possess_v the_o land_n jo._n bunyan_n grace._n abound_v to_o the_o chief_a of_o sinner_n or_o a_o brief_a relation_n of_o the_o exceed_a mercy_n of_o god_n in_o christ_n to_o his_o poor_a servant_n john_n bunyan_n in_o this_o my_o relation_n of_o the_o merciful_a work_n of_o god_n upon_o my_o soul_n it_o will_v not_o be_v amiss_o if_o in_o the_o first_o place_n i_o do_v in_o a_o few_o word_n give_v you_o a_o hint_n of_o my_o pedigree_n and_o manner_n of_o bring_v up_o that_o thereby_o the_o goodness_n and_o bounty_n of_o god_n towards_o i_o â—ay_v be_v the_o more_o advance_v and_o magnify_v before_o â—he_n son_n of_o man_n 2._o for_o my_o descent_n then_o it_o be_v as_o be_v well_o know_v â—y_a many_o of_o a_o low_a and_o inconsiderable_a generation_n â—y_a father_n house_n be_v of_o that_o rank_n that_o be_v meanâ—st_v and_o most_o despise_a of_o all_o the_o family_n in_o the_o â—and_n wherefore_o i_o have_v not_o here_o as_o other_o to_o boast_v of_o noble_a blood_n or_o of_o a_o high-born_a state_n according_a to_o the_o flesh_n though_o all_o thing_n consider_v i_o magnify_v the_o heavenly_a majesty_n for_o that_o by_o thiâ—_n door_n he_o bring_v i_o into_o this_o world_n to_o partake_v oâ—_n the_o grace_n and_o life_n that_o be_v in_o christ_n by_o the_o gospel_n 3._o but_o yet_o notwithstanding_o the_o meanness_n and_o inconsiderableness_n of_o my_o parent_n it_o please_v god_n to_o put_v it_o into_o their_o heart_n to_o put_v i_o to_o school_n to_o learn_v both_o to_o read_v and_o write_v the_o which_o i_o also_o attain_v according_a to_o the_o rate_n of_o other_o poor_a man_n child_n though_o to_o my_o shame_n i_o conâ—ess_v i_o do_v sooâ—_n loose_v that_o little_a i_o learn_v and_o that_o even_o almost_o utter_o and_o that_o long_a before_o the_o lord_n do_v work_v hiâ—_n gracious_a work_n of_o conversion_n upon_o my_o soul_n 4._o as_o for_o my_o own_o natural_a life_n for_o the_o time_n that_o i_o be_v without_o god_n in_o the_o world_n it_o be_v indeed_o accord_v to_o the_o course_n of_o this_o world_n and_o the_o spirit_n that_o now_o work_v in_o the_o child_n of_o disobedience_n it_o be_v my_o delight_n to_o be_v take_v captive_a by_o the_o devil_n at_o his_o will_n be_v fill_v with_o all_o unrighteousness_n the_o which_o do_v also_o so_o strong_o work_v and_o put_v forth_o itself_o both_o in_o my_o heart_n and_o life_n and_o thaâ—_n fâ—om_o a_o child_n that_o i_o have_v but_o few_o equal_n especial_o consider_v my_o yeaâ—s_n which_o be_v tender_a be_v few_o both_o for_o curse_v swear_v lie_v and_o blaspheme_v the_o holy_a name_n of_o god_n 5._o yea_o so_o settle_v and_o root_v be_v i_o in_o these_o thing_n that_o they_o become_v as_o a_o second_o nature_n to_o i_o the_o which_o as_o i_o also_o have_v with_o soberness_n consider_v since_o do_v so_o offend_v the_o lord_n that_o even_o iâ—_n my_o childhood_n he_o do_v scare_v and_o affright_v i_o witâ—_n fearful_a dream_n and_o do_v terrify_v i_o with_o dreadful_a vision_n for_o often_o after_o i_o have_v spend_v this_o and_o thâ—_n other_o day_n in_o sin_n i_o have_v in_o my_o bed_n be_v great_o afflict_v while_o asleep_o with_o the_o apprehension_n oâ—_n devil_n and_o wicked_a spirit_n who_o still_o as_o i_o theâ—_n think_v labour_v to_o draw_v i_o away_o with_o they_o of_o which_o i_o can_v never_o be_v rid_v also_o i_o shall_v at_o â—hese_fw-mi year_n be_v great_o afflict_v and_o trouble_v with_o â—he_n thought_n of_o the_o day_n of_o judgement_n and_o that_o â—oth_v night_n and_o day_n and_o shall_v tremble_v at_o the_o thought_n of_o the_o fearful_a torment_n of_o hell-fire_n still_o â—earing_v that_o it_o will_v be_v my_o lot_n to_o be_v find_v at_o last_o â—mongst_a those_o devil_n and_o hellish_a fiend_n who_o be_v â—here_o bind_v down_o with_o the_o chain_n and_o bond_n of_o eternal_a daâ—knâ—ss_n 6._o these_o thing_n i_o say_v when_o i_o be_v but_o a_o child_n do_v so_o distress_n my_o soul_n that_o when_o in_o the_o midst_n of_o my_o many_o sport_n and_o childish_a vanity_n amid_o my_o â—ain_a companion_n i_o be_v often_o much_o cast_v down_o and_o afflict_v in_o my_o mind_n therewith_o yet_o can_v i_o not_o let_v go_v my_o sin_n yea_o i_o be_v so_o overcome_v with_o despair_n of_o life_n and_o heaven_n that_o then_o i_o shall_v often_o wish_v either_o that_o there_o have_v be_v no_o hell_n or_o that_o i_o have_v be_v a_o devil_n suppose_v they_o be_v only_a tormentor_n that_o if_o it_o must_v needs_o be_v that_o i_o indeed_o go_v thither_o i_o may_v be_v rather_o a_o tormentor_n then_o torment_v myself_o 7._o a_o while_n after_o these_o terrible_a dream_n do_v leave_v i_o which_o also_o i_o soon_o forget_v for_o my_o pleasure_n do_v quick_o cut_v off_o the_o remembrance_n of_o they_o as_o if_o they_o have_v never_o be_v wherefore_o with_o more_o greediness_n according_a to_o the_o strength_n of_o nature_n i_o do_v still_o let_v loose_v the_o reins_o to_o my_o lust_n and_o delight_v in_o all_o transgression_n against_o the_o law_n of_o god_n so_o that_o until_o â—_o come_v to_o the_o state_n of_o marriage_n i_o be_v the_o very_a ringlead_a of_o all_o the_o youth_n that_o keep_v i_o company_n inâ—o_o all_o manner_n of_o vice_n and_o ungodliness_n 8._o yea_o such_o prevalency_n have_v the_o lust_n and_o fruit_n of_o the_o flesh_n in_o this_o poor_a soul_n of_o i_o that_o have_v not_o â—_o miracle_n of_o precious_a grace_n prevent_v i_o have_v not_o only_o perish_v by_o the_o stroke_n of_o eternal_a justice_n but_o â—ad_v also_o lay_v myself_o open_a even_o to_o the_o stroke_n of_o those_o â—aws_n which_o bring_v some_o to_o disgrace_n and_o open_a shame_n before_o the_o face_n of_o the_o woâ—ld_n 9_o in_o these_o day_n the_o thought_n of_o religion_n waâ—_n very_o grievous_a to_o i_o i_o can_v neither_o endure_v it_o mâ—_n self_n nor_o that_o any_o other_o shall_v so_o that_o when_o i_o hauâ—_n but_o see_v some_o read_n in_o those_o book_n that_o concern_v chistian_a piety_n it_o will_v be_v as_o it_o weâ—e_v a_o pâ—ison_n to_o i_o tâ—en_o i_o say_v unto_o god_n depart_v from_o i_o for_o i_o desire_v not_o the_o knowledge_n of_o thy_o way_n job_n 21.14_o 15._o 〈◊〉_d be_v now_o void_a of_o all_o good_a consideration_n heaveâ—_n and_o hell_n be_v both_o out_o of_o sight_n and_o mind_n anâ—_n as_o for_o save_v and_o damn_v they_o be_v least_o in_o my_o thought_n o_o lord_n thou_o know_v my_o life_n and_o my_o wayâ—_n be_v not_o hide_v fâ—om_n thou_o 10._o yet_o this_o i_o well_o remember_v that_o though_o 〈◊〉_d can_v myself_o sin_n with_o great_a delight_n and_o ease_v and_o also_o take_v pleasure_n in_o the_o vileness_n of_o my_o companion_n yet_o even_o then_o if_o i_o have_v at_o any_o time_n see_v wicked_a thing_n by_o those_o that_o profess_a goodness_n iâ—_n will_v make_v my_o spirit_n tremble_v as_o once_o above_o alâ—_n the_o rest_n when_o i_o be_v in_o my_o height_n of_o vanity_n yeâ—_n hear_v one_o to_o swear_v that_o be_v reckon_v for_o a_o relious_a man_n it_o have_v so_o great_a a_o stroke_n upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o it_o make_v my_o heart_n to_o ache_v 11._o present_o after_o this_o i_o change_v my_o condition_n into_o a_o marry_a state_n and_o my_o mercy_n be_v to_o light_v upon_o a_o wife_n who_o father_n be_v count_v godly_a this_o woman_n and_o i_o though_o we_o come_v together_o aâ—_n poor_a as_o poor_a may_v be_v not_o have_v so_o much_o as_o a_o dish_n or_o spoon_n betwixt_o we_o both_o yet_o this_o she_o have_v for_o her_o part_n the_o plain_a man_n pathway_n to_o heaven_n
than_o now_o i_o dare_v not_o take_v a_o pin_n or_o a_o stick_n though_o but_o so_o big_a as_o a_o straw_n for_o my_o conscience_n now_o be_v sore_a and_o will_v smart_v at_o every_o touch_n i_o can_v not_o now_o tell_v how_o to_o speak_v my_o word_n for_o fear_n i_o shall_v mis-place_n they_o o_o how_o gingerly_o do_v i_o then_o go_v in_o all_o i_o do_v or_o say_v i_o find_v myself_o as_o on_o a_o miry_a bog_n that_o shake_v if_o i_o do_v but_o stir_v and_o as_o there_o left_a both_o of_o god_n and_o christ_n and_o the_o spirit_n and_o all_o good_a thing_n 70._o and_o though_o i_o be_v thus_o trouble_v and_o toss_v and_o afflict_v with_o the_o sight_n and_o sense_n and_o terror_n of_o my_o own_o wickedness_n yet_o i_o be_v afraid_a to_o let_v this_o sense_n and_o sight_n go_v quite_o off_o my_o mind_n for_o i_o find_v that_o unless_o guilt_n of_o conscience_n be_v take_v off_o the_o right_a way_n that_o be_v by_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n a_o man_n grow_v rather_o worse_o for_o the_o loss_n of_o his_o trouble_n of_o mind_n than_o better_a wherefore_o if_o my_o guilt_n lie_v hard_o upon_o i_o than_o i_o shall_v cry_v that_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n may_v take_v it_o off_o and_o if_o it_o be_v go_v off_o without_o it_o for_o the_o sense_n of_o sin_n will_v be_v sometime_o as_o if_o it_o will_v die_v and_o go_v quite_o away_o than_o i_o will_v also_o strive_v to_o fetch_v it_o upon_o my_o heart_n again_o by_o bring_v the_o punishment_n for_o sin_n in_o hell-fire_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o shall_v cry_v lord_n let_v it_o not_o go_v off_o my_o heart_n but_o the_o right_a way_n but_o by_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n and_o by_o the_o application_n of_o thy_o mercy_n through_o he_o to_o my_o soul_n for_o that_o scripture_n lie_v much_o upon_o i_o without_o shed_v of_o blood_n there_o be_v no_o remission_n heb._n 9.22_o and_o that_o which_o make_v i_o the_o more_o afraid_a of_o this_o be_v because_o i_o have_v see_v some_o who_o tho_o when_o they_o be_v under_o wound_n of_o conscience_n than_o they_o will_v cry_v and_o pray_v but_o they_o seek_v rather_o present_a ease_n from_o their_o trouble_n then_o pardon_v foâ—_n their_o sin_n care_v not_o how_o they_o lose_v their_o guilt_n 〈◊〉_d they_o get_v it_o out_o of_o their_o mind_n and_o therefore_o have_v get_v it_o off_o the_o wrong_a way_n it_o be_v not_o sanctifieâ—_n unto_o they_o but_o they_o grow_v hard_a and_o blind_a anâ—_n more_o wicked_a after_o their_o trouble_n this_o make_v 〈◊〉_d afraid_a and_o make_v i_o cry_v to_o god_n that_o it_o may_v noâ—_n be_v so_o with_o i_o 71._o and_o now_o be_v i_o sorry_a that_o god_n have_v make_v mâ—_n a_o man_n for_o i_o fear_v i_o be_v a_o reprobate_n i_o counteâ—_n man_n as_o unconvert_v the_o most_o doleful_a of_o all_o thâ—_n creature_n thus_o be_v afflict_v and_o toss_v abouâ—_n my_o sad_a condition_n i_o count_v myself_o alone_o anâ—_n above_o the_o most_o of_o man_n unblessed_a in_o this_o condition_n i_o go_v a_o great_a while_n but_o when_o comfort_v timâ—_n be_v come_v i_o hear_v one_o preach_v a_o sermon_n upoâ—_n those_o word_n in_o the_o song_n song_n 4.1_o behold_v thou_o anâ—_n fair_a my_o love_n behold_v thou_o be_v fair_a but_o at_o that_o timâ—_n he_o make_v these_o two_o word_n my_o love_n his_o chief_a anâ—_n subject_a matter_n from_o which_o after_o he_o have_v a_o littlâ—_n open_v the_o text_n he_o observe_v these_o several_a conclusion_n 1._o that_o the_o church_n and_o so_o every_o save_v soul_n 〈◊〉_d christ_n love_n when_o loveless_a 2._o christ_n love_n without_o 〈◊〉_d cause_n 3._o christ_n love_n when_o hate_v of_o the_o world_n 4._o christ_n love_n when_o under_o temptation_n and_o under_o diâ—sertion_n 5._o christ_n love_n from_o first_o to_o last_o 72._o but_o i_o get_v nothing_o by_o what_o he_o say_v at_o present_a only_o when_o he_o come_v to_o the_o application_n of_o the_o four_o particular_a this_o be_v the_o word_n he_o say_v if_o it_o be_v so_o thâ—â—_n the_o save_v soul_n be_v christ_n love_n when_o under_o temptation_n and_o dissertion_n then_o poor_a tempt_v soul_n when_o thou_o be_v assault_v and_o afflict_v with_o temptation_n and_o the_o hiding_n 〈◊〉_d god_n face_n yet_o think_v on_o these_o two_o word_n my_o love_n still_o 73._o so_o as_o i_o be_v a_o go_v home_o these_o word_n camâ—_n again_o into_o my_o thought_n and_o i_o well_o remember_v aâ—_n they_o come_v in_o i_o say_v thus_o in_o my_o heart_n what_o shall_v i_o get_v by_o think_v on_o these_o two_o word_n this_o thought_n have_v no_o soon_o pass_v through_o my_o heart_n but_o the_o word_n begin_v thus_o to_o kindle_v in_o my_o spirit_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n twenty_o time_n together_o and_o still_o as_o they_o run_v thus_o in_o my_o mind_n they_o wax_v strong_a and_o warm_a and_o begin_v to_o make_v i_o look_v up_o but_o be_v as_o yet_o between_o hope_n and_o fear_n i_o still_o reply_v in_o my_o heart_n but_o be_v it_o true_a too_o but_o be_v it_o true_a at_o which_o that_o sentence_n fall_v in_o upon_o i_o he_o wist_v not_o that_o it_o be_v true_a which_o be_v do_v unto_o he_o of_o the_o angel_n act._n 12.9_o 74._o then_o i_o begin_v to_o give_v place_n to_o the_o word_n which_o with_o power_n do_v over_o and_o over_o make_v this_o joyful_a sound_n within_o my_o soul_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n and_o nothing_o shall_v separate_v thou_o from_o my_o love_n and_o with_o that_o rom._n 8.39_o come_v into_o my_o mind_n now_o be_v my_o heart_n fill_v full_a of_o comfort_n and_o hope_n and_o now_o i_o can_v believe_v that_o my_o sin_n shall_v be_v forgive_v i_o wherefore_o i_o say_v in_o my_o soul_n with_o much_o gladness_n well_o i_o will_v i_o have_v a_o pen_n and_o ink_n here_o i_o will_v write_v this_o down_o before_o i_o go_v any_o further_a for_o sure_o i_o will_v not_o forget_v this_o forty_o year_n hence_o but_o alas_o within_o less_o than_o forty_o day_n i_o begin_v to_o question_v all_o again_o 75._o yet_o still_o at_o time_n i_o be_v help_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o be_v a_o true_a manifestation_n of_o grace_n unto_o my_o soul_n though_o i_o have_v lose_v much_o of_o the_o life_n and_o savour_n of_o it_o now_o about_o a_o week_n or_o fortnight_n after_o this_o i_o be_v much_o follow_v by_o this_o scripture_n simon_n simon_n behold_v satan_n have_v desire_v to_o have_v you_o luk._n 22.31_o and_o sometime_o it_o will_v sound_v so_o loud_o within_o i_o yea_o and_o as_o it_o be_v call_v so_o strong_o after_o i_o that_o once_o above_o all_o the_o rest_n i_o turn_v my_o head_n over_o my_o shoulder_n think_v very_o that_o some_o man_n have_v behind_o i_o call_v to_o i_o be_v at_o a_o great_a distance_n 76._o but_o so_o foolish_a be_v i_o and_o ignorant_a that_o i_o know_v not_o the_o reason_n of_o this_o sound_n which_o as_o i_o do_v both_o see_v and_o feel_v soon_o after_o be_v send_v from_o heaven_n as_o a_o alarm_n to_o awaken_v i_o to_o provide_v for_o what_o be_v come_v only_o it_o will_v make_v i_o muse_v and_o wonder_v in_o my_o mind_n to_o think_v what_o shall_v be_v the_o reason_n that_o this_o scripture_n and_o that_o at_o this_o rate_n so_o often_o and_o so_o loud_a shall_v still_o be_v sound_v and_o rattle_v in_o my_o ear_n but_o as_o i_o say_v before_o i_o soon_o after_o perceive_v the_o end_n of_o god_n therein_o 77._o for_o about_o the_o space_n of_o a_o month_n after_o a_o very_a great_a storm_n come_v down_o upon_o i_o which_o handle_v i_o twenty_o time_n worse_o than_o all_o i_o have_v meet_v with_o before_o it_o come_v steal_v upon_o i_o now_o by_o one_o piece_n then_o by_o another_o first_o all_o my_o comfort_n be_v take_v from_o i_o than_o darkness_n seize_v upon_o i_o after_o which_o whole_a flood_n of_o blasphemy_n both_o against_o god_n christ_n and_o the_o scripture_n be_v pour_v upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o my_o great_a confusion_n and_o astonishment_n these_o blasphemous_a thought_n be_v such_o as_o also_o stir_v up_o question_n in_o i_o against_o the_o very_a be_v of_o god_n and_o of_o his_o only_a belove_a son_n as_o whether_o there_o be_v in_o truth_n a_o god_n or_o christ_n or_o no_o and_o whether_o the_o holy_a scripture_n be_v not_o rather_o a_o fable_n and_o cunning_a story_n than_o the_o holy_a and_o pure_a word_n of_o god_n 78._o the_o tempter_n also_o will_v much_o assault_v i_o with_o this_o how_o can_v you_o tell_v but_o that_o the_o turkâ—_n have_v as_o good_a scripture_n to_o prove_v their_o mahomet_n the_o saviour_n as_o we_o have_v to_o prove_v our_o jesus_n be_v and_o can_v i_o think_v that_o so_o many_o ten_o
with_o such_o conceit_n as_o these_o i_o shall_v think_v that_o god_n do_v mock_v at_o these_o my_o prayer_n say_v and_o that_o in_o the_o audience_n of_o the_o holy_a angel_n this_o poor_a simple_a wretch_n do_v hanker_v after_o i_o as_o if_o i_o have_v nothing_o to_o do_v with_o my_o mercy_n but_o to_o bestow_v it_o on_o such_o as_o he_o alas_o poor_a fool_n how_o be_v thou_o deceive_v it_o be_v not_o for_o such_o as_o thou_o to_o have_v favour_n with_o the_o high_a 90._o then_o have_v the_o tempter_n come_v upon_o i_o also_o with_o such_o discouragement_n as_o these_o you_o be_v very_o hot_a for_o mercy_n but_o i_o will_v cool_v you_o this_o frame_n shall_v not_o last_v always_o many_o have_v be_v as_o hot_a as_o you_o for_o a_o spirit_n but_o i_o have_v quench_v their_o zeal_n and_o with_o this_o such_o and_o such_o who_o be_v fall_v off_o will_v be_v set_v before_o my_o eye_n than_o i_o shall_v be_v afraid_a that_o i_o shall_v do_v so_o too_o but_o think_v i_o i_o be_o glad_a this_o come_v into_o my_o mind_n well_o i_o will_v watch_v and_o take_v what_o heed_n i_o can_v though_o you_o do_v say_v satan_n i_o shall_v be_v too_o hard_a for_o you_o i_o will_v cool_v you_o insensible_o by_o degree_n by_o little_a and_o little_a what_o care_v i_o say_v he_o though_o i_o be_v seven_o year_n in_o chill_v your_o heart_n if_o i_o can_v do_v it_o at_o last_o continual_a rock_n will_v lull_v a_o cry_a child_n asleep_o i_o will_v ply_v it_o close_o but_o i_o will_v have_v my_o end_n accomplish_v though_o you_o be_v burn_v hot_a at_o present_a yet_o if_o i_o can_v pull_v you_o from_o this_o fire_n i_o shall_v have_v you_o cold_a before_o it_o be_v long_o these_o thing_n bring_v i_o into_o great_a straits_n for_o as_o i_o at_o present_a can_v not_o find_v myself_o fit_a for_o present_a death_n so_o i_o think_v to_o live_v long_o will_v make_v i_o yet_o more_o unfit_a for_o time_n will_v make_v i_o forget_v all_o and_o wear_v even_o the_o remembrance_n of_o the_o evil_a of_o sin_n the_o worth_n of_o heaven_n and_o the_o need_v i_o have_v of_o the_o blood_n of_o châ—ist_n to_o wash_v i_o both_o out_o of_o mind_n and_o thought_n but_o i_o thank_v christ_n jesus_n these_o thing_n do_v not_o at_o present_a make_v i_o slack_v my_o cry_n but_o rather_o do_v put_v i_o more_o upon_o it_o like_o she_o who_o meet_v with_o the_o adulterer_n deut._n 22.25_o in_o which_o day_n that_o be_v a_o good_a word_n to_o i_o after_o i_o have_v suffer_v these_o thing_n a_o while_n i_o be_o persuade_v that_o neither_o death_n nor_o life_n etc._n etc._n shall_v separate_v we_o from_o the_o love_n of_o god_n which_o be_v in_o christ_n jesus_n rom._n 8.38_o and_o now_o i_o hope_v long_a life_n shall_v not_o destroy_v i_o nor_o make_v i_o miss_v of_o heaven_n 91._o yet_o i_o have_v some_o support_n in_o this_o temptation_n though_o they_o be_v then_o all_o question_v by_o i_o that_o in_o the_o three_o of_o jeremiah_n at_o the_o fiâ—st_n be_v something_o to_o i_o and_o so_o be_v the_o consideration_n of_o the_o five_o verse_n of_o that_o chapter_n that_o though_o we_o have_v speak_v and_o do_v evil_a thing_n as_o we_o can_v yet_o we_o shall_v cry_v unto_o god_n my_o father_n thou_o be_v the_o guide_n of_o my_o youth_n and_o shall_v return_v unto_o he_o 92._o i_o have_v also_o once_o a_o sweet_a glance_n from_o that_o in_o â—_o cor._n 5.21_o for_o he_o have_v make_v he_o to_o be_v sin_n for_o we_o who_o know_v no_o sin_n that_o we_o may_v be_v make_v the_o righteousness_n of_o god_n in_o he_o i_o remember_v also_o that_o one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v sit_v in_o a_o neighbour_n house_n and_o there_o very_o sad_a at_o the_o consideration_n of_o my_o many_o blasphemy_n and_o as_o i_o be_v say_v in_o my_o mind_n what_o ground_n have_v i_o to_o think_v that_o i_o who_o have_v be_v so_o vile_a and_o abominable_a shall_v ever_o inherit_v eternal_a life_n that_o word_n come_v sudden_o upon_o i_o what_o shall_v we_o say_v to_o these_o thing_n if_o god_n be_v for_o we_o who_o can_v be_v against_o we_o rom._n 8.31_o that_o also_o be_v a_o help_n unto_o i_o because_o i_o live_v you_o shall_v live_v also_o joh._n 14.19_o but_o these_o be_v but_o hint_n touch_n and_o short_a visit_n though_o very_o sweet_a when_o present_a only_o they_o last_v not_o but_o like_a to_o peter_n sheet_n of_o a_o sudden_a be_v catch_v up_o from_o i_o to_o heaven_n again_o act._n 10.16_o 93._o but_o afterward_o the_o lord_n do_v more_o full_o and_o gracious_o discover_v himself_o unto_o i_o and_o indeed_o do_v quite_o not_o only_o deliver_v i_o from_o the_o guilt_n that_o by_o these_o thing_n be_v lay_v upon_o my_o conscience_n but_o also_o from_o the_o very_a filth_n thereof_o for_o the_o temptation_n be_v remove_v and_o i_o be_v put_v into_o my_o right_a mind_n again_o as_o other_o christian_n be_v 94._o i_o remember_v that_o one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v travel_v into_o the_o country_n and_o muse_v on_o the_o wickedness_n and_o blasphemy_n of_o my_o heart_n and_o consider_v of_o the_o enmity_n that_o be_v in_o i_o to_o god_n that_o scripture_n come_v in_o my_o mind_n he_o have_v make_v peace_n by_o the_o blood_n of_o his_o cross_n col._n 1.20_o by_o which_o i_o be_v make_v to_o see_v both_o again_o and_o again_o and_o again_o that_o day_n that_o god_n and_o my_o soul_n be_v friend_n by_o this_o blood_n yea_o i_o see_v that_o the_o justice_n of_o god_n and_o my_o sinful_a soul_n can_v embrace_v and_o kiss_v each_o other_o through_o this_o blood_n thiâ—_n be_v a_o good_a day_n to_o i_o i_o hope_v i_o shall_v not_o forget_v it_o 95._o at_o another_o time_n as_o i_o be_v set_v by_o the_o fiâ—e_n in_o my_o house_n and_o muse_v on_o my_o wretchedness_n the_o lord_n make_v that_o also_o a_o precious_a word_n unto_o i_o for_o as_o much_o then_o as_o the_o child_n be_v partaker_n of_o flesh_n and_o blood_n he_o also_o himself_o likewise_o take_v part_n of_o thâ—_n same_o that_o through_o death_n he_o may_v destroy_v he_o that_o have_v the_o power_n of_o death_n that_o be_v the_o devil_n and_o deliver_v those_o who_o through_o the_o fear_n of_o death_n be_v all_o their_o life_n time_n subject_a to_o bondage_n heb._n 2.14_o 15._o i_o think_v that_o the_o glory_n of_o these_o word_n be_v then_o so_o weighty_a on_o i_o that_o i_o be_v both_o once_o and_o twice_o ready_a to_o swoon_v as_o i_o sit_v yet_o not_o with_o grief_n and_o trouble_n but_o with_o solid_a joy_n and_o peace_n 96._o at_o this_o time_n also_o i_o sit_v under_o the_o ministry_n of_o holy_a mr._n gifford_n who_o doctrine_n by_o god_n grace_n be_v much_o for_o my_o stability_n this_o man_n make_v it_o much_o his_o business_n to_o deliver_v the_o people_n of_o god_n from_o all_o those_o false_a and_o unsound_a rest_n that_o by_o nature_n we_o be_v prone_a to_o take_v and_o make_v to_o our_o soul_n he_o press_v we_o to_o take_v special_a heed_n that_o we_o take_v not_o up_o any_o truth_n upon_o trust_n as_o from_o this_o or_o that_o or_o another_o man_n or_o man_n but_o to_o cry_v mighty_o to_o god_n that_o he_o will_v convince_v we_o of_o the_o reality_n thereof_o and_o set_v we_o down_o therein_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n in_o the_o holy_a word_n for_o say_v he_o if_o you_o do_v otherwise_o when_o temptation_n come_v if_o strong_o you_o not_o have_v receive_v they_o with_o evidence_n from_o heaven_n will_v find_v you_o want_v that_o help_n and_o strength_n now_o to_o resist_v as_o once_o you_o think_v you_o have_v 97._o this_o be_v as_o seasonable_a to_o my_o soul_n as_o the_o former_a and_o latter_a rain_n in_o their_o season_n for_o i_o have_v find_v and_o that_o by_o sad_a experience_n the_o truth_n of_o these_o his_o word_n for_o i_o have_v feel_v no_o man_n can_v say_v especial_o when_o tempt_v of_o the_o devil_n that_o jesus_n christ_n be_v lord_n but_o by_o the_o holy_a ghost_n wherefore_o i_o find_v my_o soul_n through_o grace_n very_o apt_a to_o drink_v in_o this_o doctrine_n and_o to_o incline_v to_o pray_v to_o god_n that_o in_o nothing_o that_o pertain_v to_o god_n glory_n and_o my_o own_o eternal_a happiness_n he_o will_v suffer_v i_o to_o be_v without_o the_o confirmation_n thereof_o from_o heaven_n for_o now_o i_o see_v clear_o there_o be_v a_o exceed_a difference_n betwixt_o the_o notion_n of_o flesh_n and_o blood_n and_o the_o revelation_n of_o god_n in_o heaven_n also_o a_o great_a difference_n between_o that_o faith_n that_o be_v feign_v and_o according_a to_o man_n wisdom_n and_o of_o that_o which_o come_v by_o a_o man_n be_v bear_v thereto_o of_o god_n mat._n 16.15_o 16._o 1_o john_n 5.1_o 98._o
thereof_o for_o it_o do_v always_o in_o almost_o whatever_o i_o think_v intermix_v itself_o therewith_o in_o such_o sort_n that_o i_o can_v neither_o eat_v my_o food_n stoop_v for_o a_o pin_n chap_v a_o stick_n or_o cast_v my_o eye_n to_o look_v on_o this_o or_o that_o but_o still_o the_o temptation_n will_v come_v sell_v christ_n for_o this_o or_o sell_v christ_n for_o that_o 109._o sometime_o it_o will_v run_v in_o my_o thought_n not_o so_o little_a as_o a_o hundred_o time_n together_o sell_v he_o sell_v he_o sell_v he_o against_o which_o i_o may_v say_v for_o whole_a hour_n together_o i_o have_v be_v force_v to_o stand_v as_o continual_o lean_v and_o force_v my_o spirit_n against_o it_o lest_o haply_o before_o i_o be_v aware_a some_o wicked_a thought_n may_v arise_v in_o my_o heart_n that_o may_v consent_v thereto_o and_o sometime_o also_o the_o tempter_n will_v make_v i_o believe_v i_o have_v consent_v to_o it_o than_o shall_v i_o be_v as_o torture_v on_o a_o rack_n for_o whole_a day_n together_o 110._o this_o temptation_n do_v put_v i_o to_o such_o scare_n lest_o i_o shall_v at_o some_o time_n i_o say_v consent_v thereto_o and_o be_v overcome_v therewith_o that_o by_o the_o very_a force_n of_o my_o mind_n in_o labour_v to_o gainsay_v and_o resist_v this_o wickedness_n my_o very_a body_n also_o will_v be_v put_v into_o action_n or_o motion_n by_o way_n of_o push_v or_o thrust_v still_o answer_v as_o fast_o as_o the_o destroyer_n say_v fall_v he_o i_o will_v not_o i_o will_v not_o i_o will_v not_o i_o will_v not_o no_o not_o for_o thousand_o thousand_o thousand_o of_o world_n this_o reckon_n lest_o i_o shall_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o these_o assault_n set_v too_o low_a a_o value_n of_o he_o even_o until_o i_o scarce_o well_o know_v where_o i_o be_v or_o how_o to_o be_v compose_v again_o 111._o but_o to_o be_v brief_a one_o morning_n as_o i_o do_v lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o be_v as_o at_o other_o time_n most_o fierce_o assault_v with_o this_o temptation_n to_o sell_v and_o part_n with_o christ_n the_o wicked_a suggestion_n still_o run_v in_o my_o mind_n sell_v he_o sell_v he_o sell_v he_o sell_v he_o as_o fast_o as_o a_o man_n can_v speak_v against_o which_o also_o in_o my_o mind_n as_o at_o other_o time_n i_o answer_v no_o no_o not_o for_o thousand_o thousand_o thousand_o at_o least_o twenty_o time_n together_o but_o at_o last_o after_o much_o strive_v even_o until_o i_o be_v almost_o out_o of_o breath_n i_o feel_v the_o thought_n pass_v through_o my_o heart_n let_v he_o go_v if_o he_o will_v and_o i_o think_v also_o that_o i_o feel_v my_o heart_n consent_v thereto_o 112._o now_o be_v the_o battle_n win_v and_o down_o felâ—_n i_o as_o a_o bird_n that_o be_v shoot_v from_o the_o top_n of_o a_o tree_n in_o to_o great_a guilt_n and_o fearful_a despair_n thus_o get_v out_o of_o my_o bed_n i_o go_v mope_v into_o the_o field_n but_o god_n know_v with_o as_o heavy_a a_o heart_n as_o mortal_a man_n i_o think_v can_v bear_v where_o for_o the_o space_n of_o two_o hour_n i_o be_v like_o a_o man_n bere_v of_o life_n and_o as_o now_o past_a all_o recovery_n and_o bind_v over_o to_o eternal_a punishment_n 113._o and_o withal_o that_o scripture_n do_v seize_v upon_o my_o soul_n or_o profane_a person_n as_o esau_n who_o for_o one_o morsel_n of_o meat_n sell_v his_o birthright_n for_o you_o know_v how_o that_o afterward_o when_o he_o will_v have_v inherit_v the_o blessing_n he_o be_v reject_v for_o he_o find_v no_o place_n of_o repentance_n though_o he_o seek_v it_o careful_o with_o tear_n heb._n 12.16_o 17._o 114._o these_o word_n be_v to_o my_o soul_n like_o fetter_n of_o brass_n to_o my_o leg_n in_o the_o continual_a sound_n of_o which_o i_o go_v for_o several_a month_n together_o but_o about_o ten_o or_o eleven_o a_o clock_n one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v walk_v under_o a_o hedge_n full_a of_o sorrow_n and_o guilt_n god_n know_v and_o bemoan_v myself_o for_o this_o hard_a hap_n that_o such_o a_o thought_n shall_v arise_v within_o i_o sudden_o this_o sentence_n bolt_v in_o upon_o i_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n remit_v all_o guilt_n at_o this_o i_o make_v a_o stand_n in_o my_o spirit_n with_o that_o this_o word_n take_v hold_v upon_o i_o the_o blood_n of_o jesus_n christ_n his_o son_n cleanse_v â—s_a from_o all_o sin_n now_o i_o begin_v to_o conceive_v peace_n in_o my_o soul_n and_o methinks_v i_o see_v as_o if_o the_o tempter_n do_v hear_v and_o steaâ—_n away_o from_o i_o as_o be_v ashamed_a of_o what_o he_o have_v do_v at_o the_o same_o time_n also_o i_o have_v my_o sin_n and_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n thus_o represent_v to_o i_o that_o my_o sin_n when_o compare_v to_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n be_v no_o more_o to_o it_o than_o this_o little_a clot_n or_o stone_n before_o i_o be_v to_o this_o vast_a and_o wide_a field_n that_o here_o i_o see_v this_o give_v i_o good_a encouragement_n for_o the_o space_n of_o too_o or_o three_o hour_n in_o which_o time_n also_o i_o think_v i_o see_v by_o faith_n the_o son_n of_o god_n as_o suffer_v for_o my_o sin_n but_o because_o it_o tarry_v not_o i_o therefore_o sink_v 〈◊〉_d my_o spirit_n under_o exceed_a guilt_n again_o 115._o sometime_o also_o i_o shall_v have_v a_o touch_n from_o â—hat_n in_o luk._n 22.31_o i_o have_v pray_v for_o thou_o that_o thy_o faith_n fail_v not_o but_o it_o will_v not_o abide_v upon_o i_o neither_o can_v i_o indeed_o when_o i_o consider_v my_o state_n find_v ground_n to_o conceive_v in_o the_o least_o that_o there_o shall_v be_v the_o root_n of_o that_o grace_n within_o i_o have_v sâ—nned_v as_o i_o have_v do_v now_o be_v i_o tear_v and_o rend_v in_o heavy_a case_n for_o many_o day_n together_o 116._o then_o begin_v i_o with_o sad_a and_o careful_a heart_n to_o consider_v of_o the_o nature_n and_o largeness_n of_o my_o sin_n and_o to_o search_v in_o the_o word_n of_o god_n if_o i_o can_v in_o any_o place_n espy_v a_o word_n of_o promise_n or_o any_o encourage_n sentence_n by_o which_o i_o may_v take_v relief_n wherefore_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v that_o three_o of_o mark_n aâ—l_o manner_n of_o sin_n and_o blasphemy_n shall_v be_v forgive_v unto_o the_o son_n of_o man_n wherewith_o soever_o they_o shall_v blaspheme_v which_o place_n i_o thought_n at_o a_o blush_n do_v contain_v a_o large_a and_o glorious_a promise_n for_o the_o pardon_n of_o high_a offence_n but_o consider_v the_o place_n more_o full_o i_o think_v it_o be_v rather_o to_o be_v understand_v as_o relate_v more_o chief_o to_o those_o who_o have_v while_o in_o a_o natural_a estate_n commit_v such_o thing_n as_o there_o mention_v but_o not_o to_o i_o who_o have_v not_o only_o receive_v light_n and_o mercy_n but_o that_o have_v both_o after_o and_o also_o contrary_a to_o that_o so_o slight_v christ_n as_o i_o have_v do_v 117._o i_o fear_v therefore_o that_o this_o wicked_a sin_n of_o i_o may_v be_v that_o sin_n unpardonable_a of_o which_o he_o there_o thus_o speak_v but_o he_o that_o shall_v blaspheme_v against_o the_o holy_a ghost_n have_v never_o forgiveness_n but_o be_v in_o danger_n of_o eternal_a damnation_n and_o i_o do_v the_o rather_o give_v credit_n to_o this_o because_o of_o that_o sentence_n in_o the_o hebrew_n for_o yâ—u_o know_v how_o that_o afterward_o when_o he_o will_v have_v inherit_v the_o blessing_n he_o be_v reject_v for_o he_o find_v no_o place_n of_o repentance_n though_o he_o seek_v it_o careful_o with_o tear_n 118._o and_o now_o begin_v i_o to_o labour_v to_o call_v again_o time_n that_o be_v past_a wish_v a_o thousand_o time_n twice_o tell_v that_o the_o day_n be_v yet_o to_o come_v when_o i_o shall_v be_v tempt_v to_o such_o a_o sin_n conclude_v with_o great_a indignation_n both_o against_o my_o heart_n and_o all_o assault_n how_o i_o will_v rather_o have_v be_v tear_v in_o piece_n than_o find_v a_o consenter_n thereto_o but_o alas_o these_o thought_n and_o wish_n and_o resolving_n be_v now_o too_o late_o to_o help_v i_o the_o thought_n have_v pass_v my_o heart_n god_n have_v let_v i_o go_v and_o i_o be_o fall_v o_o think_v i_o that_o it_o be_v with_o i_o as_o in_o month_n past_a as_o in_o the_o day_n when_o god_n preserve_v i_o job_n 29.2_o 119._o then_o again_o be_v loath_a and_o unwilling_a to_o perish_v i_o begin_v to_o compare_v my_o sin_n with_o other_o to_o see_v if_o i_o can_v find_v that_o any_o of_o those_o that_o be_v save_v have_v do_v as_o i_o have_v do_v so_o i_o consider_v david_n adultery_n and_o murder_n and_o find_v they_o most_o heinous_a crime_n and_o those_o too_o commit_v after_o light_n and_o grace_v receive_v but_o yet_o by_o consider_v i_o perceive_v that_o
scripture_n forenamed_a in_o thâ—_n hebrew_n will_v be_v set_v before_o i_o as_o the_o only_a sentence_n that_o will_v keep_v i_o out_o of_o heaven_n theâ—_n again_o i_o shall_v begin_v to_o repent_v that_o ever_o that_o thought_n go_v through_o i_o i_o shall_v also_o think_v thus_o with_o myself_o why_o how_o many_o scripture_n be_v there_o against_o i_o there_o be_v but_o three_o or_o four_o and_o can_v god_n miss_v they_o and_o save_v i_o for_o all_o they_o sometime_o again_o i_o shall_v think_v o_o if_o it_o weâ—e_v not_o for_o these_o three_o or_o four_o word_n now_o how_o may_v i_o be_v comfort_v and_o i_o can_v hardly_o forbear_v at_o sometime_o but_o to_o wish_v they_o out_o of_o the_o book_n 164._o then_o methinks_v i_o shall_v see_v as_o if_o both_o peter_n and_o paul_n and_o john_n and_o all_o the_o writer_n do_v look_v with_o scorn_n upon_o i_o and_o hold_v i_o in_o derision_n and_o as_o if_o they_o say_v unto_o i_o all_z our_o word_n be_v truth_n one_o of_o as_o much_o force_n â—s_v another_o it_o be_v not_o we_o that_o have_v cut_v you_o off_o but_o you_o have_v cast_v away_o yourself_o there_o be_v none_o of_o our_o sentence_n that_o you_o must_v take_v hold_v upon_o but_o these_o and_o such_o as_o these_o it_o be_v impossible_a there_o remain_v no_o more_o sacrifice_n for_o sin_n heb._n 6._o and_o it_o have_v be_v better_a for_o they_o not_o to_o have_v know_v the_o will_n of_o god_n than_o after_o they_o have_v know_v it_o to_o turn_v from_o the_o holy_a commandment_n deliver_v unto_o they_o heb._n 10._o for_o the_o scripture_n can_v be_v break_v 2_o pet._n 2.21_o 165._o thus_o be_v i_o confound_v not_o know_v what_o to_o do_v nor_o how_o to_o be_v satisfy_v in_o this_o question_n whether_o the_o scripture_n can_v agree_v in_o the_o salvation_n of_o my_o soul_n i_o quake_v at_o the_o apostle_n i_o know_v their_o word_n be_v true_a and_o that_o they_o must_v stand_v for_o ever_o 166._o and_o i_o remember_v one_o day_n as_o i_o be_v in_o divers_a frame_n of_o spirit_n and_o consider_v that_o these_o frame_n be_v still_o accord_v to_o the_o nature_n of_o the_o several_a scripture_n that_o come_v in_o upon_o my_o mind_n 〈◊〉_d this_o of_o grace_n than_o i_o be_v quiet_a but_o if_o that_o of_o esaâ—_n then_o torment_v lord_n think_v i_o if_o both_o these_o scripture_n will_v meet_v in_o my_o heart_n at_o once_o i_o wonder_v which_o of_o they_o will_v get_v the_o better_a of_o i_o so_o methinks_v i_o have_v a_o long_a mind_n that_o they_o may_v come_v both_o together_o upon_o i_o yea_o i_o desire_v of_o god_n they_o may_v 167._o well_o about_o two_o or_o three_o day_n after_o so_o they_o do_v indeed_o they_o boulteâ—_n both_o upon_o i_o at_o a_o time_n and_o do_v work_v and_o struggle_v strange_o in_o i_o for_o a_o while_n at_o last_o that_o about_o esau_n birthright_n begin_v to_o wax_v weak_a and_o withdraw_v and_o vanish_v and_o this_o about_o the_o sufficiency_n of_o grace_n prevail_v with_o peace_n and_o joy_n and_o as_o i_o be_v in_o a_o muse_n about_o this_o thing_n that_o scripture_n come_v home_o upon_o i_o mercy_n rejoice_v against_o judgement_n 168._o this_o be_v a_o wonderment_n to_o i_o yet_o true_o i_o be_o apt_a to_o think_v it_o be_v of_o god_n for_o the_o word_n of_o the_o law_n and_o wrath_n must_v give_v place_n to_o the_o word_n of_o life_n and_o grace_n because_o though_o the_o word_n of_o condemnation_n be_v glorious_a yet_o the_o word_n of_o life_n and_o salvation_n do_v far_o exceed_v in_o glory_n 2_o cor._n 3.8_o 9_o 10_o 11._o mar._n 9.5_o 6_o 7._o john_n 6.37_o also_o that_o moses_n and_o elias_n must_v both_o vanish_v and_o leave_v christ_n and_o his_o saint_n alone_o 169._o this_o scripture_n also_o do_v now_o most_o sweet_o visit_v my_o soul_n and_o he_o that_o come_v to_o i_o i_o will_v in_o no_o wise_a cast_v out_o o_o the_o comfort_n that_o i_o have_v have_v from_o this_o word_n in_o no_o wise_a as_o who_o shall_v say_v by_o no_o mean_n for_o no_o thing_n whatever_o he_o have_v do_v but_o satan_n will_v great_o labour_v â—o_o pull_v this_o promise_n from_o i_o tell_v of_o i_o that_o christ_n do_v not_o mean_v i_o and_o such_o as_o i_o but_o sinner_n of_o a_o low_a rank_n that_o have_v not_o do_v as_o i_o have_v do_v but_o i_o shall_v answer_v he_o again_o satan_n here_o be_v in_o this_o word_n no_o such_o exception_n but_o he_o that_o come_v he_o â—â—ny_v he_o him_z that_o come_v to_o i_o i_o will_v in_o no_o wise_a cast_v out_o and_o this_o i_o well_o remember_v still_o that_o of_o all_o the_o slight_n that_o satan_n use_v to_o take_v this_o scripture_n from_o i_o yet_o he_o never_o do_v so_o much_o as_o put_v this_o question_n but_o do_v you_o come_v aright_o and_o i_o have_v think_v the_o reason_n be_v because_o he_o think_v i_o know_v full_a well_o what_o come_v be_v for_o i_o see_v that_o to_o come_v aright_o be_v to_o come_v as_o i_o be_v a_o vile_a and_o ungodly_a sinner_n and_o to_o cast_v myself_o at_o the_o foot_n of_o mercy_n condemn_v myself_o for_o sin_n if_o ever_o sataâ—_n and_o i_o do_v strive_v for_o any_o word_n it_o be_v for_o this_o in_o john_n he_o pull_v and_o i_o pull_v but_o god_n be_v praise_v i_o get_v some_o sweetness_n from_o it_o 170._o but_o notwithstanding_o all_o these_o help_n and_o bless_a word_n of_o grace_n yet_o that_o of_o esau_n sell_v of_o his_o birthright_n will_v still_o at_o time_n distress_v my_o conscience_n for_o though_o i_o have_v be_v most_o sweet_o comfort_v and_o that_o but_o just_a before_o yet_o when_o that_o come_v into_o mind_n it_o will_v make_v i_o fear_v again_o i_o can_v not_o be_v quite_o rid_v thereof_o it_o will_v every_v day_n be_v with_o i_o wherefore_o now_o i_o go_v another_o way_n to_o woâ—k_v even_o to_o consider_v the_o nature_n of_o this_o blashemous_a thought_n i_o mean_v if_o i_o shall_v take_v the_o word_n at_o the_o large_a and_o give_v they_o their_o own_o natural_a force_n and_o scope_n even_o every_o word_n therein_o so_o when_o i_o have_v thus_o consider_v i_o find_v that_o if_o they_o be_v fair_o take_v they_o will_v amount_v to_o this_o that_o i_o have_v free_o leave_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n to_o his_o choice_n whether_o he_o will_v be_v my_o saviour_n or_o no_o for_o the_o wicked_a word_n be_v these_o let_v he_o go_v if_o he_o will_n then_o that_o scripture_n give_v i_o hope_n i_o will_v never_o leave_v thou_o nor_o forsake_v thou_o heb._n 13.5_o o_o lord_n say_v i_o but_o i_o have_v leave_v thou_o than_o it_o answer_v again_o but_o i_o will_v not_o leave_v thou_o for_o this_o i_o thank_v god_n alâ—o_o 171._o yet_o i_o be_v grievous_a afraid_a he_o shall_v and_o find_v it_o exceed_v hard_o to_o trust_v he_o see_v i_o hâ—d_v so_o offend_v he_o i_o can_v have_v be_v excee_v glad_a that_o this_o thought_n have_v never_o be_v fall_v foâ—_n than_o i_o think_v i_o can_v with_o more_o ease_n and_o freedom_n abundance_n have_v lean_v upon_o his_o grace_n i_o see_v it_o be_v with_o i_o as_o it_o be_v with_o joseph_n brother_n the_o guilt_n of_o their_o own_o wickedness_n do_v often_o fill_v they_o with_o fear_n that_o their_o brother_n will_v at_o last_o despise_v they_o gen._n 50.15_o 16_o 17_o 18._o 172._o but_o above_o all_o the_o scripture_n that_o yet_o i_o do_v meet_v with_o that_o in_o the_o twenty_o of_o joshua_n be_v the_o great_a comfort_n to_o i_o which_o speak_v of_o the_o slayer_n that_o be_v to_o fly_v for_o refuge_n and_o if_o the_o avenger_n of_o blood_n pursue_v the_o slayer_n then_o say_v moses_n they_o that_o be_v the_o elder_n of_o the_o city_n of_o refuge_n shall_v not_o deliver_v he_o into_o his_o hand_n because_o he_o smite_v his_o neighbour_n unwitting_o and_o hate_v he_o not_o afore-time_o o_o bless_a be_v god_n for_o this_o word_n i_o be_v convince_v that_o i_o be_v the_o slayer_n and_o tâ—at_v the_o avenger_n of_o blood_n pursue_v i_o that_o i_o feel_v with_o great_a terror_n only_o now_o it_o remain_v that_o i_o inquire_v whether_o i_o have_v â—ight_a to_o enter_v the_o city_n of_o refuge_n so_o i_o find_v that_o he_o must_v not_o who_o lie_v in_o wait_n to_o shed_v blood_n but_o he_o who_o unwitting_o or_o that_o do_v unawar_n shed_v blood_n even_o he_o who_o do_v not_o hate_v his_o neighbour_n before_o wherefore_o 173._o i_o think_v very_o i_o be_v the_o man_n that_o must_v enter_v for_o because_o i_o have_v smite_v my_o neighbour_n unwitting_o and_o hate_v he_o not_o afore-time_o i_o hate_v he_o not_o afore-time_o no_o i_o pray_v unto_o he_o be_v tender_a of_o sin_v against_o he_o yea_o and_o against_o this_o wicked_a temptation_n i_o