thousands in so many Countreys and Kingdoms should be withouâ— the knowledge of the right way to Heaven if there were indeed a Heaven and that we onely who live but in a corner of the Earth should alone be blest therewith Every one doth think his owâ— Religion rightest both Jews and Moorâ— and Pagans and how if all our Faith and Christ and Scriptures should be but a think-so too 79. Sometime I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions and to set some of the Sentences of blessed Paul against them but alas I quickly felt when I thus did such arguings as these would return again upon me Though we made so great a matter of Paul and of his words yet how could I tell but that in very deed he being a subtile and cunning man might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions and also take both that pains and travel to undo and destroy his fellows 80. These suggestions with many other which at this time I may not nor dare not utter neither by word nor pen did make such a seizure upon my spirit and did so over-weigh my heart both with their number continuance and fiery force that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else and also concluded that God had in very wrath to my Soul given me up unto them to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind 81. Onely by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them but this consideration I then onely had when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle otherwise the noise and strength and force of these temptations would drown and overflow and as it were bury all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing While I was in this temptation I should find often my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear or to speak some grievous thing of God or Christ his Son and of the Scriptures 82. Now I thought surely I am possessed of the Devil it other times again I thought I should be be rest of my wits for instead of lauding and magnifying of God the Loâ—d with others if I have but heard him spoken of presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against him So that whether I did think that God was or again did think there were no such thing no love nor peace nor gracious disposition could I feel within me 83 These things did sink me into very deep despair for I concluded that such things could not possibly be sound amongst them that loved God I often when these temptations have been with force upon me did compare my self in the case of such a Child whom some Gypsie hath by force took up under her apron and is carrying from Friend and Country kick sometimes I did and also scream and cry but yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation and the wind would carry me away I thought also of Saul and of the evil spirit that did possess him and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his 84. In these days when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost then would the Tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin that I was as if I could not must not neither should be quiet until I had committed that now no sin would serve but that if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word whether I would or no and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin to hold my mouth from opening and to that enâ— also I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some Muckhil-hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking 85. Now I blessed the condition of the Doggâ— and Toad and counted the estate of every thinâ— that God had made far better then this dreadful state of mine and such as my companions was yea gladly would I have been in the condition of Dog or Horse for I knew they had no Soul to perish under the everlasting weights of Hell for sin as mine was like to do Nay and though I saw this felt this and was broken to pieces with it yet that which added to my sorrow was that I could not finde that with all my Soul I did desire deliverance That Scripture also did tear and rend my Soul in the midst of these distractions The wicked are like the troubled Sea which cannot rest whose waters cast up mire and dirt There is no peace the wicked saith my God Isa. 57.20 21. 86. While this temptation lasted which was about a year I could attend upon none of the Ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction yea then was I most distressed with blasphemies if I have been hearing the Word then uncleanness blasphemies and despair would hold me as Captive there if I have been reading then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read sometimes again my mind would be so strangely snatched away and possessed with other things that I have neither known nor regarded nor remembred so much as the sentence that but now I have read 87. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time sometimes I have thought I should see the Devil nay thought I have felt him behind me pull my cloaths he would be also continually at me in the time of prayer to have done break off make haste you have prayed enough and stay no longer still drawing my minde away Sometimes â—lso he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these that I must pray to him or for him I have thought sometimes of that Fall down or If thou wilt fall down and worship me 88. Also when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God then with great force hath the Tempter laboured to distract me and confound me and to turn away my mind by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a Bush a Bull a Besom or the like as if I should pray to those to these also he would at sometimes especially so hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else or pray to nothing else but to these or such as they 89. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God and the reality of the truth of his Gospel but oh how would my heart at such times put forth it self with unexpressable groanings my whole Soul was then in every word I should cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful to me but then I should be daunted again
and The Practice of Piety which her Father had left heâ— when he died In these two Books I should sometimes read with her wherein I also found somâ— things that were somewhat pleasing to me buâ— all this while I met with no conviction She alsâ— would be often telling of me what a godly man heâ— Fatâ—er was and how he would reprove and correct Vice both in his house and amongst his neighbours what a strict and holy life he lived in his day both in word and deed 12. Wherefore these books with this relation though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state yet they did beget within me some desires to Religion so that because I knew no better I fell in very eagerly with the Religion of the times to wit to go to Church twice a day and that too with the foremost and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did yet retaining my wicked life but withal I was so over-run with a spirit of superstition that I adored and that with great devotion even all things both the High-place Priest Clerk Vestments Service and what else belonging to the Church counting all things holy that were therein contained and especially the Priest and Clerk most happy and without doubt greatly blessed because they were the Servants as I then thought of God and were principal in the holy Temple to do his work therein 13. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit that had I but seen a Priest though never so sordid and debauched in his life I should find my spirit fall under him reverence him and knit unto him yea I thought for the love I did bear unto them supposing they were the Ministers of my God I could have layn down at their feet and have been trampled upon by them their Name their Garb and Work did so intoxicate and bewitch me 14. After I had been thus for some considerable time another thought came into my mind and that was Whether we were of the Israelites or no for finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar People of God thought I if I were one of this race my Soul must needs be happy Now again I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question but could not tell how I should at last I asked my father of it who told me No we were not wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that and so remained 15. But all this while I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin I was kept from considering that sin would damn me what Religion soever I followed unleâ—s I was found in Christ nay I never thought of him nor whether there was one or no. Thus man while blind doth wander but wearieth himâ—elf with vanity for he knoweth not the way to the City of God Eccles. 10.15 16. But one day amongst all the Sermons our Parson made his subject was to treat of the Sabbath day and of the evil of breaking that either with labour sports or otherwise now I was one that took much delight in all manner of vice and especially that was the Day that I did solace my self therewith Wherefore I fell in my conscience under his Sermon thinking and believing that he made that Sermon on purpose to shew me my evil-doing and at that time I felt what guilt was though never before that I can remember but then I was for the present greatly loaden therewith and so went home when the Sermon was ended with a great burden on my spirit 17. This for that instant did cut the sinews of my delights and did imbitter my former pleasures to me but behold it lasted not for before I had well dined the trouble began to go off my minde and my heart returned to its old course but Oh how glad was I that this trouble was gone from me and that the fire was put out Wherefore when I had satâ—sfied nature with my food I shook the Sermon out my mind and to my old customâ— of sports and gaming I returned with great delight 18. But the same day as I was in the midst of a game at Cat and having struck it one blow from the hole just as I was about to strike it the second time a voice did suddenly dart from Heaven into my Soul which said Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to Heaven or have thy sins and go to Hell At this I was put to an exceeding maze wherefore leaving my Cat upon the ground I looked up to Heaven and was as if I had with the eyes of my understanding seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me as being very hotly displeased with me and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other my ungodly practices 19. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind but suddenly this conclusion was fastned on my spirit for the former hint did set my sins again before my face That I had been a great and grievous Sinner and that it was now too too late for me to look after Heaâ—â—n for Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions Then I fell to musing upon this also and while I was thinking on it and fearing lest it should be so I felt my heart sink in despair concluding it was too late and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin for thought I if the case be thus my state is surely miserable miserable if I leave my sins and but miserable if I follow them I can but be damned and if it must be so I had as good be damned for many sins as to be damned for few 20. Thus I stood in the midst of my play before â—ll that then were present but yet I told them â—othing but I say I having made this conclusion â— returned to my spoâ—t again and I well rememâ—er that presently this kind of despair did so possess my Soul that I was perswaded I could never â—ttain to other comfort then what I should get in sin for Heaven was gone already so that on that I must not think wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin still studdying what sin was yet to be committed that I might taste the sweetness of it and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates lest I should die before I had my desire for that I seared greatly In these things I protest before God I lyâ— not neither do I feign this form of speech these were really strongly and with all my heart my desires the good Lord whose mercy is unsearchable forgive me my transgressions 21. And I am very confident that this temptation of the Devil is more usual amongst poor creatures then many are aware of even to over-run theiâ— spirits with a scurvie and seared frame of heart and benumming of conscience
yea it was so fixed on Eternity and on the things about the Kingdome of Heaven that is so far as I knew though as yet God knows I knew but little that neither pleasures nor profits nor perswasions nor threats could loosen it or make it let go its hold and thouâ—h I may speak it with shame yet it is in very deed a certain truth it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven 34. And now me thought I began to look into the Bible with new eyes and read as I never did before and especially the Epistles of the Apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me and indeed I was then never out of the Bible either by reading or meditation still crying out to God that I might know the truth and way to heaven and glory 35. And as I went on and read I lighted on that passage To one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdome to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit and to another Faith c. 1 Cor. 12. And though as I have since seen that by this Scripture the holy Ghost intends in special things extraordinary yet on me it then did fasten with conviction that I did want things ordinary even that understanding and wisdome that other Christians had On this word I mused and could not tell what to do for I feared it shut me out of all the blessings that other good people had given them of God but I was loath to conclude I had no Faith in my soul for if I do so thought I then I shall count my self a very Cast-away indeed 36. No said I with my self though I am convinced that I am an ignorant Sot and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have yet at a venture I will conclude I am not altogether faithless though I know not what Faith is For it was shewed me and that too as I have since seen by Satan That those who conclude themselves in a faithless state have neither rest nor quiet in their Souls and â— was loath to fall quite into despair 37. Wherefore by this suggestion I was for a while made afraid to see my want of Faith but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my Soul but did continually against this my blinde and sad conclusion create still within me such suppositions That I might in this deceive my self that I could not rest conâ—ent until I did now come to some certain knowledge whether I had Faith or no this always running in my minde But how if you want Faith indeed but how can you tell you have Faith 38. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith yet in a little time I better considering the matter was willing to put my self upon the tryal whether I had Faith or no. But alas poor Wretch so ignorant and brutish was I that I knew to this day no more how to do it than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of Art which I never yet saw nor considered 39. Wherefore while I was thus considering and being put to my plunge about it for you must know that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man onely did hear and consider the Tempter came in with this delusion That there was no way for me to know I had Faith but by trying to work some miracle urging those Scriptures that seem to look that way for the inforcing and strengthening his Temptation Nay one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had Faith by doing of some miracle which miracle at that time was this I must say to the puddles that were in the horse pads Be dry and to the dry places Be you the puddles and truly one time I was a going to say so indeed but just as I was about to speak this thought came into my minde But go under yonder Hedge and pray first that God would make you able but when I had concluded to pray this came hot upon me That if I prayed and came again and tried to do it and yet did nothing notwithstanding then besure I had no Faith but was a Cast-away and lost Nay thought I if it be so I will never try yet but will stay a little longer 40. So I continued at a great loss for I thought if they onely had Faith which could do such wonderful things then I concluded that for the present I neither had it nor yet for time to come were ever like to have it Thus I was tossed betwixt the Devil and my own ignorance and so perplexed especially at some times that I could not tell what to doe 41. About this time the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus in a Dream or Vision represented to me I saw as if they were set on the Sunny side of some high Mountain there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the Sun while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold afflicted with frost snow and dark clouds methought also betwixt me and them I saw a wall that did compass about this Mountain now thorow this wall my Soul did greatly desire to pass concluding that if I could I would goe even into the very midst of them and there also comfort my self with the heat of their Sun 42. About this wall I thought my self to goe again and again still prying as I went to see if I could find some way or passage by which I might enter therein but none could I find for some time at the last I saw as it were a narrow gap like a little door-way in the wall thorow which I attempted to pass but the passage being very straight and narrow I made many offers to get in but all in vain even untill I was well nigh quite beat out by striving to get in at last with great striving me thought I at first did get in my head after that by a side-ling striving my shoulders and my whole body then was I exceeding glad and went and sat down in the midst of them and so was comforted with the light and heat of their Sun 43. Now this Mountain and Wall c. was thus made out to me the Mountain signified the Church of the living God the Sun that shone thereon the comfortable shining of his mercifull face on them â—hat were therein the wall I thought was the Word â—hat did make separaâ—ion between the Christians â—nd the world and the gap which was in this wall I thought was Jesus Christ who is the way â—o God the Father But for as much as the passage was wonderful narrow even so narrow that I â—ould not but with great difficulty enter in thereâ—t it
shewed me that none could enter into life â—ut thoâ—e that were in down-right earnest and â—nless also they left this wicked world behind â—â—em for here was only roome for Body and Soul â—ut not for Body and Soul and Sin 44. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many dayes all which time I saw my self in a sorlorn and sad condition but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in this Sun-shine now also I should pray where ever I was whether at home or a broad in house or field and should also often with lifting up of heart sing that of the fifty first Psalm O Lord consider my distress for as yet I knew not where I was 45. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable perswasion that I had Faith in Chirst but instead of having satisfaction here I began to find my Soul to be assaulted with fresth doubts about my future happiness especially with such as these Whether I was elected but how if the day of grace should now be past and gone 46. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted sometimes by one and sometimes by the other of them And first to speak of that about my questioning my election I found â—t this time that though I was in a flame to find the way to Heaven and Glory and though nothing could beat me off from this yet this question did so offend and discourage me that I was especially at sometimes as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof This Scripture also did seem to me tâ— trample upon all my desires It is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God thâ—â— sheweth mercy Rom 9. 47. With this Scripture I could not tell what to do for I evidently saw that unless the great God of hiâ— infinite grace and bounty had voluntarily chosâ— me to be a vessel of mercy though I should desire and long and labour untill my heart did break 〈◊〉 good could come of it Therefore this wouâ—â— still stick with me How can you tell you are â—lected and what if you should not how then 48. O Lord thought I what if I should not indeed it may be you are not laid the Tempter it may be so indeed thought I. Why then â—aid Satan you had as good leave off and strive no further for if indeed you should not be Elected and chosen of God there is no talke of your being saved For it is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God that sheweth mercy 49. By these things I was driven to my wits end not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations indeed I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question for that the Elect only attained eternal life that I without scruple did heartily close withall but that my self was one of them there lay all the question 50. Thus therefore for several dayes I was greatly assaulted and perplexed and was often when I have been walking ready to sink where I went with faintness in my mind but one day after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the Ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit Look at the generations of old and see did ever any trust in God and were confounded 51. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my Soul for thus at that very instant it was expounded to me Begin at the beginning of Genesis and read to the end of the Revelations see if you can find that there was any that ever trusted in the Lord and was Confounded So coming home I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying not doubting but to find it presently for it was so fresh and with such strength and comfort on my spirit that I was as if it talked with me 52. Well I looked but I found it not only it abode upon me then I did aske first this good man and then another if they knew where it was but they knew no such place at this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly and with such comfort and strength seize and abide upon my heart and yet that none could find it for I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture 53. Thus I continued above a year and could not find the place but at last casting my eye into the Apocrypha-Books I sound it in Ecclesiasticus this at the first did somewhat daunt me but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kâ—ndness of God it troubled me the less especially when I considered that though it was not in those Texts that we call holy and Canonical yet for as much as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises it was my duty to to take the comfort of it and I bless God for that word for it was of God to me that word doth still at times shine before my face 54. After this that other doubt did come with strength upon me But how if the day of grace should be past and gone how if you have over-stood the time of mercy Now I remember that one day as I was walking into the Country I was much in the thoughts of this But how if the day of grace be past and to aggravate my trouble the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford and suggested thus unto me That these being converted already they were all that God would save in those parts that I came too late for these had got the blessing before I came 55. Now was I in great distress thinking in very deed that this might well be so wherefore I wenâ— up and down bemoaning my sad condition counting my self far worse then a thousand fools for standing off thus long and spending so many years in sin as I have done still crying out Oh that I had turned sooner Oh that I had turned seven years agoe it made me also angry with my self to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my Soul and Heaven were lost 56. But when I had been long vexed with this fear and was scarce able to take one step more just about the same place where I received my other encouragement these words broke in upon my mind Compell them to come in that my house may be filled and yet there is roome Luke 14.22 23. These words but especially them And yet there is roome were sweet words to me for truly I thought that by them I saw that there was place enough in Heaven for me and moreover that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words he then did think of me and that he
me I could have enlarged much in this my discourse of my temptations and troubles for sin as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my Soul I could also have stept into a stile much higher then this in which I have here discoursed and could have adorned all things more theâ— here I have seemed to do but I dare not God did not play in convincing of me the Devil did not play in tempting of me neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me wherefore I may not play in my relating of them but be plain and simple and lay down the thing as iâ— was He that liketh it let him receive it and he that does not let him produce a better Farewel My dear Children The Milk and Honey is beyond this Wilderness God be merciful to you and grant you be not slothful to go in to possesâ— the Land Jo. Bunyan GRACE Abounding to the chief of Sinners OR A Brief Relation Of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor Servant John Bunyan IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my Soul it will not be amiss if in the first place I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedegree and manner of bringing up that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me â—ay be the more advanced and magnified before â—he sons of men 2. For my descent then it was as is well known â—y many of a low and inconsiderable generation â—y fathers house being of that rank that is meanâ—st and most despised of all the families in the â—and Wherefore I have not here as others to boast of Noble blood or of a High-born state according to the flesh though all things considered I magnifie the Heavenly Majesty for that by thiâ— door he brought me into this world to partake oâ— the Grace and Life that is in Christ by the Gospel 3. But yet notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my Parents it pleased God to put it into their heart to put me to School to learn both to Read and Write the which I also attained according to the rate of other poor mens children though to my shame I conâ—ess I did sooâ— loose that little I learnt and that even almost utterly and that long before the Lord did work hiâ— gracious work of conversion upon my Soul 4. As for my own natural life for the time that I was without God in the world it was indeed accoâ—ding to the course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience it was my delight to be taken captive by the Devil at his will being filled with all unrighteousness the which did also so strongly work and put forth it self both in my heart and life and thaâ— fâ—om a childe that I had but few Equals especially considering my yeaâ—s which were tender being few both for cuâ—sing swearing lying and blaspheming the holy Name of God 5. Yea so setled and rooted was I in thesâ— things that they became as a second Nature to me the which as I also have with soberness considered since did so offend the Lord that even iâ— my childhood he did scare and affright me witâ— fearful dreams and did terrifie me with dreadfuâ— visions For often after I had spent this and thâ— other day in sin I have in my bed been greatly aâ—flicted while asleep with the apprehensions oâ— Devils and wicked spirits who still as I theâ— thought laboured to draw me away with them of which I could never be rid Also I should at â—hese years be gâ—eatly afflicted and troubled with â—he thoughts of the day of Judgement and that â—oth night and day and should tremble at the â—houghts of the fearful torments of Hell-fire still â—earing that it would be my lot to be found at last â—mongst those Devils and Hellish Fiends who are â—here bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal daâ—knâ—ss 6. These things I say when I was but a childe did so distress my Soul that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities amidst my â—ain companions I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith yet could I not let go my sins yea I was so overcome with despair of life and heaven that then I should often wish either that there had been no Hell or that I had been a Devil supposing they were onely tormentors that if it must needs be that I indeed went thither I might be rather a tormentor then â—ormented my self 7. A while after these terrible dreams did leave me which also I soon forgot for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them as if they had never been wherefore with more greediness according to the strength of Nature I did still let loose the reins to my lusts and delighted in all â—ransgression against the Law of God so that until â— came to the state of marriage I was the very ring-â—eader of all the Youth that kept me company inâ—o all manner of vice and ungodliness 8. Yea such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor Soul of mine that had not â— miracle of precious grace prevented I had not onely perished by the stroke of eternal Justice but â—ad also laid my self open even to the stroke of those â—aws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the woâ—ld 9. In these days the thoughts of Religion waâ— very grievous to me I could neither endure it mâ— self nor that any other should so that when I havâ— but seen some read in those books that concerned Chistian piety it would be as it weâ—e a pâ—ison to me Tâ—en I said unto God Depart from me for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways Job 21.14 15. 〈◊〉 was now void of all good consideration Heaveâ— and Hell were both out of sight and minde anâ— as for Saving and Damning they were least in my thoughts O Lord thou knowest my life and my wayâ— were not hid fâ—om thee 10. Yet this I well remember that though 〈◊〉 could my self sin with greatest delight and ease and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions yet even then if I have at any time seen wicked things by those that professed goodness iâ— would make my spirit tremble As once above alâ— the rest when I was in my heighth of vanity yeâ— hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a relious man it had so great a stroke upon my spirit as it made my heart to ake 11. Presently after this I changed my condition into a married state and my mercy was to lighâ— upon a Wife whose Father was counted godly this Woman and I though we came together aâ— poor as poor might be not having so much as a Dish or Spoon betwixt us both yet this she had for her part The Plain Mans Path-way to Heaven
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
with such conceits as these I should think that God did mock at these my prayers saying and that in the audience of the holy Angels This poor simple Wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he alas poor fool how art thou deceived it is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest 90. Then hath the Tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these You are very hot for mercy but I will cool you this frame shall not last alwayes many have been as hot as you for a spirt but I have quench'd their Zeal and with this such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes then I should be afraid that I should do so too but thought I I am glad this comes into my minde well I will watch and take what heed I can Though you do said Satan I shall be too hard for you I will cool you insensibly by degrees by little and little what care I saith he though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last continual rocking will lull a crying Child asleep I will ply it close but I will have my end accomplished though you be burning hot at present yet if I can pull you from this fire I shall have you cold before it be long These things brought me into great straights for as I at present could not find my self fit for present death so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit for time would make me forget all and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin the worth of Heaven and the need I had of the Blood of Châ—ist to wash me both out of mind and thought But I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying but rather did put me more upon it like her who met with the Adulterer Deut. 22.25 in which dayes that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while I am perswaded that neither death nor life c. shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus Rom. 8.38 And now I hoped long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of Heaven 91. Yet I had some supports in this temptation though they were then all questioned by me That in the third of Jeremiah at the fiâ—st was something to me and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that Chapter that though we have spoken and done evil things as we could yet we should cry unto God My Father thou art the Guide of my youth and should return unto him 92. I had also once a sweet glance from that in â— Cor. 5.21 For he hath made him to be sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him I remember also that one day as I was sitting in a Neighbours House and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies and as I was saying in my mind What ground have I to think that I who have been so vile and abominable should ever inherit eternal life that word came suddenly upon me What shall we say to these things If God be for us who can be against us Rom. 8.31 that also was an help unto me Because I live you shall live also Joh. 14.19 But these were but hints touches and short visits though very sweet when present onely they lasted not but like to Peters Sheet of a sudden were caught up from me to Heaven again Act. 10.16 93. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me and indeed did quite not onely deliver me from the guilt that by these things was laid upon my Conscience but also from the very filth thereof for the temptation was removed and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were 94. I remember that one day as I was traveling into the Countrey and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and considering of the enmity that was in me to God that Scripture came in my mind He hath made peace by the blood of his Cross Col. 1.20 by which I was made to see both again and again and again that day that God and my Soul were friends by this blood yea I saw that the justice of God and my sinful Soul could imbrace and kiss each other through this blood thiâ— was a good day to me I hope I shall not forget it 95. At another time as I was set by the fiâ—e in my house and musing on my wretchedness the Lord made that also a precious word unto me For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood he also himself likewise took part of thâ— same that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death that is the Devil and deliver those who through the fear of death were all their life time subject to bondage Heb. 2.14 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat yet not with grief and trouble but with sollid joy and peace 96. At this time also I sat under the Ministry of holy Mr. Gifford whose Doctrine by Gods grace was much for my stability This man made it much his business to deliver the People of God from all those false and unsound rests that by Nature we are prone to take and make to our Souls he pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust as from this or that or another man or men but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own Spirit in the holy Word for said he if you do otherwise when temptations come if strongly you not having received them with evidence from Heaven will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had 97. This was as seasonable to my Soul as the former and latter rain in their season for I had found and that by sad experience the truth of these his words For I had felt no man can say especially when tempted of the Devil that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the holy Ghost Wherefore I found my Soul thorow Grace very apt to drink in this Doctrine and to incline to pray to God that in nothing that pertained to Gods glory and my own eternal happiness he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from Heaven for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwix the notions of flesh and blood and the Revelations of God in Heaven also a great difference between that faith that is fained and according to mans wisdom and of that which comes by a man being born thereto of God Mat. 16.15 16. 1 John 5.1 98.
thereof for it did alwayes in almost whatever I thought intermix it self therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food stoop for a pin chop a stick or cast mine eye to look on this or that but still the temptation would come Sell Christ for this or sell Christ for that 109. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts not so little as a hundred times together Sell him sell him sell him against which I may say for whole hours together I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it lest haply before I were aware some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent thereto and sometimes also the Tempter would make me believe I had consented to it then should I be as tortured on a Rack for whole dayes together 110. This temptation did put me to such scares lest I should at some times I say consent thereto and be overcome therewith that by the very force of my mind in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness my very Body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting still answering as fast as the destroyer said fell him I will not I will not I will not I will not no not for thousands thousands thousands of worlds this reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults set too low a vallue of him even until I scarce well knew where I was or how to be composed again 111. But to be brief one morning as I did lie in my Bed I was as at other times most fiercely assaulted with this temptation to sell and part with Christ the wicked suggestion still running in my mind sell him sell him sell him sell him as fast as a man could speak against which also in my mind as at other times I answered No no not for thousands thousands thousands at least twenty times together but at last after much striving even until I was almost out of breath I felt the thought pass through my heart Let him go if he will and I thought also that I felt my heart consent thereto 112. Now was the battel won and down felâ— I as a Bird that is shot from the top of a Tree in to great guilt and fearful despair thus gettinâ— out of my Bed I went moping into the field but God knows with as heavy a heart as mortal man I think could bear where for the space of two hours I was like a man berest of life and as now past all recovery and bound over to eternal punishment 113. And withal that Scripture did seize upon my Soul Or profane person as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his Birth-right for you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Heb. 12.16 17. 114. These words were to my Soul like Fetters of Brass to my Legs in the continual sound of which I went for several months together But about ten or eleven a Clock one day as I was walking under a Hedge full of sorrow and guilt God knows and bemoaning my self for this hard hap that such a thought should arise within me suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me The Blood of Christ remits all guilt at this I made a stand in my Spirit with that this word took hold upon me The Blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth â—s from all sin now I began to conceive peace in my Soul and methought I saw as if the Tempter did hear and steaâ— away from me as being ashamed of what he had done At the same time also I had my sin and the Blood of Christ thus represented to me That my sin when compared to the Blood of Christ was no more to it than this little clot or stone before me is to this vast and wide field that here I see This gave me good encouragement for the space of â—wo or three hours in which time also me thought I saw by faith the Son of God as suffering for my sins But because it tarried not I therefore sunk 〈◊〉 my spirit under exceeding guilt again 115. Sometimes also I should have a touch from â—hat in Luk. 22.31 I have prayed for thee that thy Faith fail not but it would not abide upon me neither could I indeed when I consider'd my state find ground to conceive in the least that there should be the root of that Grace within me having sâ—nned as I had done Now was I tore and rent in heavy case for many days together 116. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin and to search in the word of God if I could in any place espy a word of Promise or any encouraging Sentence by which I might take relief Wherefore I began to consider that third of Mark Aâ—l manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of men wherewith soever they shall blaspheme Which place me thought at a blush did contain a large and glorious Promise for the pardon of high offences but considering the place more fully I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had while in a natural estate committed such things as there mentioned but not to me who had not onely received light and mercie but that had both after and also contrary to that so slighted Christ as I had done 117. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable of which he there thus speaketh But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness but is in danger of eternal damnation And I did the rather give credit to this because of that sentence in the Hebrews For yâ—u know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears 118. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past wishing a thousand times twice told that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin concluding with great indignation both against my heart and all assaults how I would rather have been torn in pieces than found a consenter thereto but alas these thoughts and wishings and resolvings were now too late to help me the thought had passed my heart God hath let me go and I am fallen O thought I that it was with me as in months past as in the days when God preserved me Job 29.2 119. Then again being loth and unwilling to perish I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that are saved had done as I had done So I considered David's Adultery and Murder and found them most hainous crimes and those too committed after light and grace received but yet by considering I perceived that
Scriptures fore-nam'd in thâ— Hebrews would be set befoâ—e me as the only Sentences that would keep me out of Heaven Theâ— again I should begin to repent that ever that thought went thorow me I should also think thus with my self why How many Scriptures are there against me there is but three or four and cannot God miss them and save me for all them Sometimes again I should think O if it weâ—e not for these three or four words now how might I be comforted and I could hardly forbear at sometimes but to wish them out of the Book 164. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul and John and all the Writerâ— did look with scorn upon me and hold me in derision and as if they said unto me All our words are truth one of as much force â—s another it is not we that have cut you off but you have cast away your self there is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon but these and such as these It is impossible there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 6. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God than after they have known it to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them Heb. 10. For the Scriptures cannot be broken 2 Pet. 2.21 165. Thus was I confounded not knowing what to do nor how to be satisfied in this question whether the Scriptures could agree in the salvation of my Soul I quaked at the Apostles I knew their words were true and that they must stand for ever 166. And I remember one day as I was in divers frames of Spirit and considering that thesâ— frames were still acâ—ording to the nature of the several Scriptures that came in upon my mind 〈◊〉 this of Grace then I was quiet but if that of Esaâ— then tormented Lord thought I if both these Scriptures would meet in my heart at once I wonder which of them would get the better of me So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me yea I desired of God they might 167. Well about two or three dayes after so they did indeed they boulteâ— both upon me at a time and did work and struggle strangly in me for a while at last that about Esaus birth-right began to wax weak and withdraw and vanish and this about the sufficiency of Grace prevailed with peace and joy And as I was in a muse about this thing that Scripture came home upon me Mercy rejoyceth against Judgement 168. This was a wondâ—rment to me yet truly I am apt to think it was of God for the Word of the Law and Wrath must give place to the Word of Life and Grace because though the Word Of Condemnation be glorious yet the Word of Life and Salvation doth far exceed in glory 2 Cor. 3.8 9 10 11. Mar. 9.5 6 7. John 6.37 Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish and leave Christ and his Saints alone 169. This Scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul And him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out O the comfort that I have had from this word in no wise as who should say by no means for no thing what-ever he hath done But Satan would greatly labour â—o pull this promise from me telling of me that Christ did not mean me and such as I but sinners of a lower rank that had not done as I had done But I should answer him again Satan here is in this word no such exception but him that comes him â—â—ny him him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out And this I well remember still that of all the slights that Satan used to take this Scripture from me yet he never did so much as put this Question But do you come arâ—ght And I have thought the reason was because he thought I knew full well what coming was for I saw that to come aright was to come as I was a vile and ungodly sinner and to cast my self at the feet of Mercy condemning my self for sin If ever Sataâ— and I did strive for any word it was for this in John he pull'd and I pull'd but God be praised I got some sweetness from it 170. But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace yet that of Esaus selling of his birth-right would still at times distress my Conscience for though I had been most sweetly comforted and that but just before yet when that came into mind 't would make me fear again I could not be quite rid thereof 't would every day be with me wherefore now I went another way to woâ—k even to consider the nature of this blashemous thought I mean if I should take the words at the largest and give them their own natural foâ—ce and scope even every word therein So when I had thus considered I found that if they were fairly taken they would amount to this That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to his choice whether he would be my Saviour or no for the wicked words were these Let him go if he will Then that Scripture gave me hope I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Heb. 13.5 O Lord said I but I have left thee then it answered again but I will not leave thee For this I thank God alâ—o 171. Yet I was grievous afraid he should and found it exceeding hard to trust him seeing I hâ—d so offended him I could have been exceedinâ— glad that this thought had never be fallen foâ— then I thought I could with more ease and freedom abundance have leaned upon his grace I see it was with me as it was with Josephs Bâ—ethren the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their Brother would at last despise them Gen. 50.15 16 17 18. 172. But above all the Scriptures that yet I did meet with that in the twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me which speaks of the slayer that was to fly for refuge And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer then saith Moses they that are the Elders of the City of Refuge shall not deliver him into his hand because he smote his Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time O blessed be God for this word I was convinced that I was the slayer and tâ—at the avenger of blood pursued me that I felt with great terrour only now it remained that I enquire whether I have â—ight to enter the City of Refuge So I found That he must not who lay in wait to shed blood but he who unwittingly or that did unawars shed blood even he who did not hate his Neighbour before Wherefore 173. I thought veâ—ily I was the man that must enter for because I had smitten my Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time I hated him not afore-time no I prayed unto him was tender of sinning against him yea and against this wicked Temptation I