by_o christ_n i_o be_v as_o if_o my_o joyns_n be_v break_v or_o as_o if_o my_o hand_n and_o foot_n have_v be_v tie_v or_o bind_v with_o chain_n at_o this_o time_n also_o i_o feel_v some_o weakness_n to_o seize_v my_o outward_a man_n which_o make_v still_o the_o other_o affliction_n the_o more_o heavy_a and_o uncomfortable_a 215._o afr_o i_o have_v be_v in_o this_o condition_n some_o three_o or_o four_o day_n as_o i_o be_v sit_v by_o the_o fire_n i_o sudden_o feel_v this_o word_n to_o sound_v in_o my_o heart_n i_o must_v go_v to_o jesus_n at_o this_o my_o former_a darkness_n and_o atheism_n flee_v away_o and_o the_o bless_a thing_n of_o heaven_n be_v set_v within_o my_o view_n while_o i_o be_v on_o this_o sudden_a thus_o overtake_v with_o surprise_n wife_n say_v i_o be_v there_o ever_o a_o such_o scripture_n i_o must_v go_v to_o jesus_n she_o say_v she_o can_v not_o tell_v therefore_o i_o sit_v muse_v still_o to_o see_v if_o i_o can_v remember_v such_o a_o place_n i_o have_v not_o sit_v above_o two_o or_o three_o minute_n but_o that_o come_v bolt_v in_o upon_o i_o and_o to_o a_o innumerable_a company_n of_o angel_n and_o withal_o hebrew_n the_o twelve_o about_o the_o mount_n zion_n be_v set_v before_o my_o eye_n 216._o then_o with_o joy_n i_o tell_v my_o wife_n o_o now_o i_o know_v i_o know_v but_o that_o night_n be_v a_o good_a night_n to_o i_o i_o never_o have_v but_o few_o better_a i_o long_v for_o the_o company_n of_o some_o of_o god_n people_n that_o i_o may_v have_v impart_v unto_o they_o what_o god_n have_v show_v i_o christ_n be_v a_o precious_a christ_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o night_n i_o can_v scarce_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n for_o joy_n and_o peace_n and_o triumph_n through_o christ_n this_o great_a glory_n do_v not_o continue_v upon_o i_o until_o morning_n yet_o that_o twelve_o of_o the_o author_n to_o the_o hebrews_n heb._n 12.21_o 22_o 23._o be_v a_o bless_a scripture_n to_o i_o for_o many_o day_n together_o after_o this_o 217._o the_o word_n be_v these_o you_o be_v come_v to_o mount_v zion_n to_o the_o city_n of_o the_o live_a god_n to_o the_o heavenly_a jerusalem_n and_o to_o a_o innumerable_a company_n of_o angel_n to_o the_o general_a assembly_n and_o church_n of_o the_o first-born_a which_o be_v write_v in_o heaven_n to_o god_n the_o judge_n of_o all_o and_o to_o the_o spirit_n of_o just_a man_n make_v perfect_a and_o to_o jesus_n the_o mediator_n of_o the_o new_a testament_n and_o to_o the_o blood_n of_o sprinkle_v that_o speak_v better_a thing_n than_o that_o of_o abel_n through_o this_o bless_a sentence_n the_o lord_n lead_v i_o over_o and_o over_o first_o to_o this_o word_n and_o then_o to_o that_o and_o show_v i_o wonderful_a glory_n in_o every_o one_o of_o they_o these_o word_n also_o have_v oft_o â—â—nce_v this_o time_n be_v great_a refreshment_n to_o my_o spirit_n bless_a be_v god_n for_o have_v mercy_n on_o i_o a_o brief_a account_n of_o the_o author_n call_v to_o the_o work_n of_o the_o ministry_n 218._o and_o now_o i_o be_o speak_v my_o experience_n i_o will_v in_o this_o place_n thrust_v in_o a_o word_n or_o two_o concern_v my_o preach_v the_o word_n and_o of_o god_n deal_v with_o i_o in_o that_o particular_a also_o for_o after_o i_o have_v be_v about_o five_o oâ—_n six_o year_n awaken_v and_o help_v to_o see_v both_o the_o want_n and_o worth_a of_o jesus_n christ_n our_o lord_n and_o enable_v to_o venture_v my_o soul_n upon_o he_o some_o of_o the_o most_o able_a among_o the_o saint_n with_o we_o i_o say_v the_o most_o able_a for_o judgement_n and_o holiness_n of_o life_n as_o they_o conceive_v do_v perceive_v that_o god_n have_v count_v i_o worthy_a to_o understand_v something_o of_o his_o will_n in_o his_o holy_a and_o bless_a word_n and_o have_v give_v i_o utterance_n in_o some_o measure_n to_o express_v what_o i_o see_v to_o other_o for_o edification_n they_o desire_v i_o and_o tâ—at_a with_o much_o earnestness_n that_o i_o will_v be_v willing_a at_o sometime_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n in_o one_o of_o the_o meeting_n to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o exhortation_n unto_o they_o 219._o the_o which_o though_o at_o the_o first_o it_o do_v much_o dash_n and_o abash_v my_o spirit_n yet_o be_v still_o by_o they_o desire_v and_o entreat_v i_o consent_v to_o their_o request_n and_o do_v twice_o at_o two_o several_a assembly_n but_o in_o private_a though_o with_o much_o weakness_n and_o infirmity_n discover_v my_o gift_n among_o they_o at_o which_o they_o not_o only_o seem_v to_o be_v but_o do_v solemn_o protest_v as_o in_o the_o sight_n of_o the_o great_a god_n they_o be_v both_o affect_v and_o comfort_v and_o give_v thanks_o to_o the_o father_n of_o mercy_n for_o the_o grace_n bestow_v on_o i_o 220._o after_o this_o sometime_o when_o some_o of_o they_o do_v go_v into_o the_o country_n to_o teach_v tâ—ey_n will_v also_o that_o i_o shall_v go_v with_o they_o where_o though_o as_o yet_o i_o do_v not_o nor_o dare_v not_o make_v use_n of_o my_o gift_n in_o a_o open_a way_n yet_o moâ—e_n private_o still_o as_o i_o come_v among_o the_o good_a people_n in_o those_o place_n i_o do_v sometime_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o admonition_n unto_o they_o also_o the_o which_o they_o as_o the_o other_o receive_v with_o rejoice_v at_o the_o mercy_n of_o god_n to_o me-ward_n profess_v their_o soul_n be_v edify_v thereby_o 221._o wherefore_o to_o be_v brief_a at_o last_o be_v still_o desire_v by_o the_o church_n after_o some_o solemn_a prayer_n to_o the_o lord_n with_o fast_v i_o be_v more_o particular_o call_v forth_o and_o appoint_v to_o a_o more_o ordinary_a and_o public_a preach_v the_o word_n not_o only_o to_o and_o among_o they_o that_o believe_v but_o also_o to_o offer_v the_o gospel_n â—o_o those_o that_o have_v not_o yet_o â—eceived_v the_o faith_n thereof_o about_o which_o time_n i_o do_v evident_o find_v in_o my_o mind_n a_o secret_a prick_n forward_o thereto_o though_o i_o bless_v god_n not_o for_o desire_v of_o vain_a glory_n for_o at_o that_o time_n i_o be_v most_o sore_o afflict_v with_o â—he_n fiery_a dart_n of_o the_o devil_n concern_v my_o eternal_a state_n 222._o but_o yet_o can_v not_o be_v content_a unless_o i_o be_v find_v in_o the_o exercise_n of_o my_o gift_n unto_o which_o also_o i_o be_v great_o animate_v not_o only_o by_o the_o continual_a desire_n of_o the_o godly_a but_o also_o by_o that_o say_n of_o paul_n to_o the_o corinthian_n i_o beseech_v you_o brethren_n you_o know_v the_o household_n of_o stephanas_n that_o it_o be_v the_o firsâ—_o fruit_n of_o achaia_n and_o that_o they_o have_v addict_v themselves_o to_o the_o ministry_n of_o the_o saint_n that_o you_o submit_v yourselves_o unto_o such_o and_o to_o every_o one_o that_o help_v with_o we_o and_o labour_v 1_o cor._n 16.15_o 16._o 223._o by_o this_o text_n i_o be_v make_v to_o see_v that_o the_o holy_a ghost_n never_o intend_v that_o man_n who_o have_v gift_n and_o ability_n shall_v bury_v they_o in_o the_o earth_n but_o rather_o do_v command_n and_o stir_v up_o such_o to_o the_o exercise_n of_o their_o gift_n and_o also_o do_v commend_v those_o that_o be_v apt_a and_o ready_a so_o to_o do_v they_o have_v addict_v themselves_o to_o the_o ministry_n of_o the_o saint_n this_o scripture_n in_o these_o day_n do_v continual_o run_v in_o my_o mind_n to_o encourage_v i_o and_o strengthen_v i_o in_o this_o my_o work_n foâ—_n god_n i_o have_v be_v also_o encourage_v from_o several_a other_o scripture_n and_o example_n of_o the_o godly_a both_o specify_v in_o the_o word_n and_o other_o ancient_a history_n act._n 8.4_o &_o 18·24_n 25_o etc._n etc._n 1_o pet._n 4.10_o rom._n 12.6_o fox_n act_n and_o mon._n 224._o wherefore_o though_o of_o myself_o of_o all_o the_o saint_n the_o most_o unworthy_a yet_o i_o but_o with_o great_a fear_n and_o tremble_a at_o the_o sight_n of_o my_o own_o weakness_n do_v set_v upon_o the_o work_n and_o do_v according_a to_o my_o gift_n and_o the_o proportion_n of_o my_o faith_n preach_v that_o bless_a gospel_n that_o god_n have_v show_v i_o in_o the_o holy_a word_n of_o truth_n which_o when_o the_o country_n understand_v they_o come_v in_o to_o hear_v the_o word_n by_o hundred_o and_o that_o from_o all_o part_n though_o upon_o sundry_a and_o divers_a account_n 225._o and_o i_o thank_v god_n he_o give_v unto_o i_o some_o measure_n of_o bowel_n and_o pity_n for_o their_o soul_n which_o also_o do_v put_v i_o forward_o to_o labour_v with_o great_a diligence_n and_o earnestness_n to_o find_v out_o such_o a_o word_n as_o might_n if_o god_n will_v bless_v lay_v hold_v of_o and_o awaken_v the_o conscience_n in_o which_o also_o the_o good_a lord_n have_v respect_n to_o the_o desire_n of_o his_o
know_v the_o time_n will_v come_v that_o i_o shall_v be_v afflict_v with_o fear_n that_o there_o be_v no_o place_n leave_v for_o i_o in_o his_o bosom_n do_v before_o speak_v this_o word_n and_o leave_v it_o upon_o record_n that_o i_o may_v find_v help_n thereby_o against_o this_o vile_a temptation_n 57_o in_o the_o light_n and_o encouragement_n of_o this_o word_n i_o go_v a_o pretty_a while_n and_o the_o comfort_n be_v the_o more_o when_o i_o think_v that_o the_o lord_n jesus_n shall_v think_v on_o i_o so_o long_o ago_o and_o that_o he_o shall_v speak_v they_o word_n on_o purpose_n for_o my_o sake_n for_o i_o do_v then_o think_v very_o that_o he_o do_v on_o purpose_n speak_v they_o to_o encourage_v i_o withal_o 58._o after_o this_o i_o find_v by_o read_v the_o word_n that_o those_o that_o must_v be_v glorify_v with_o christ_n in_o another_o world_n must_v be_v call_v by_o he_o here_o call_v to_o the_o partake_n of_o a_o share_n in_o his_o word_n and_o righteousness_n and_o to_o the_o comfort_n &_o first-fruit_n of_o his_o spirit_n and_o to_o a_o peculiar_a interest_n in_o all_o those_o heavenly_a thing_n which_o do_v indeed_o fore-fit_a the_o soul_n for_o that_o rest_n and_o house_n of_o glory_n which_o be_v in_o heaven_n above_o 59_o here_o again_o i_o be_v at_o a_o very_a great_a stand_n not_o know_v what_o to_o do_v fear_v i_o be_v not_o call_v for_o think_v i_o if_o i_o be_v not_o call_v what_o then_o can_v do_v i_o good_a but_o oh_o how_o i_o now_o love_v those_o word_n that_o speak_v of_o a_o christian_n call_v as_o when_o the_o lord_n say_v to_o one_o follow_v i_o and_o to_o another_o come_v after_o i_o and_o oh_o think_v i_o that_o he_o will_v say_v so_o to_o i_o too_o how_o glad_o will_v i_o run_v after_o he_o 60._o i_o can_v now_o express_v with_o what_o long_n and_o break_n in_o my_o soul_n i_o cry_v to_o christ_n to_o call_v i_o thus_o i_o continue_v for_o a_o time_n all_o on_o a_o flame_n to_o be_v convert_v to_o jesus_n christ_n and_o do_v also_o see_v at_o that_o day_n such_o glory_n in_o a_o convert_a state_n that_o i_o can_v not_o be_v content_v without_o a_o share_n therein_o gold_n can_v it_o have_v be_v get_v for_o gold_n what_o can_v i_o have_v give_v for_o it_o have_v i_o have_v a_o whole_a world_n it_o have_v all_o go_v ten_o thousand_o time_n over_o for_o this_o that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v be_v in_o a_o convert_a state_n 61._o how_o lovely_a now_o be_v every_o one_o in_o my_o eye_n that_o i_o think_v to_o be_v convert_v man_n and_o woman_n they_o shine_v they_o walk_v like_o a_o people_n that_o carry_v the_o broad_a seal_n of_o heaven_n about_o they_o oh_o i_o see_v the_o lot_n be_v fall_v to_o they_o in_o pleasant_a place_n and_o they_o have_v a_o goodly_a heritage_n but_o that_o which_o make_v i_o sick_a be_v that_o of_o christ_n in_o mark_n he_o go_v up_o into_o a_o mountain_n and_o call_v to_o he_o who_o he_o will_v and_o they_o come_v unto_o he_o mark_v 3.13_o 62._o this_o scripture_n make_v i_o saint_n and_o fear_n yet_o it_o kindle_a fire_n in_o my_o soul_n that_o which_o make_v i_o fear_n be_v this_o lest_o christ_n shall_v have_v no_o like_n to_o i_o for_o he_o call_v who_o he_o will_v but_o on_o the_o glory_n that_o i_o see_v in_o that_o condition_n do_v still_o so_o engage_v my_o heart_n that_o i_o can_v seldom_o read_v of_o any_o that_o christ_n do_v call_v but_o i_o present_o wish_v will_v i_o have_v be_v in_o their_o clothes_n will_v i_o have_v be_v bear_v peter_n will_v i_o have_v be_v bear_v john_n or_o will_v i_o have_v be_v by_o and_o have_v hear_v he_o when_o he_o call_v they_o how_o will_v i_o have_v cry_v o_o lord_n call_v i_o also_o but_o oh_o i_o fear_v he_o will_v not_o call_v i_o 63._o and_o true_o the_o lord_n let_v i_o go_v thus_o many_o month_n together_o and_o show_v i_o nothing_o either_o that_o i_o be_v already_o or_o shall_v be_v call_v hereafter_o but_o at_o last_o after_o much_o time_n spend_v and_o many_o groan_n to_o god_n that_o i_o may_v be_v make_v partaker_n of_o the_o holy_a and_o heavenly_a call_n that_o word_n come_v in_o upon_o i_o i_o will_v cleanse_v their_o blood_n that_o i_o have_v not_o cleanse_v for_o the_o lord_n dwell_v in_o zion_n joel_n 3.21_o these_o word_n i_o think_v be_v send_v to_o encourage_v i_o to_o wait_v still_o upon_o god_n and_o signify_v unto_o i_o that_o if_o i_o be_v not_o already_o yet_o time_n may_v come_v i_o may_v be_v in_o truth_n convert_v unto_o christ._n 64._o about_o this_o time_n i_o begin_v to_o break_v my_o mind_n to_o those_o poor_a people_n in_o gedford_n and_o to_o tell_v they_o my_o condition_n which_o when_o they_o have_v hear_v they_o tell_v mr._n gifford_n of_o i_o who_o himself_o also_o take_v occasion_n to_o talk_v with_o i_o and_o be_v willing_a to_o be_v persuade_v of_o i_o though_o i_o think_v but_o from_o little_a ground_n but_o he_o invite_v i_o to_o his_o house_n where_o i_o shall_v hear_v he_o confer_v with_o other_o about_o the_o deal_n of_o god_n with_o the_o soul_n from_o all_o which_o i_o still_o receive_v more_o conviction_n and_o from_o that_o time_n begin_v to_o see_v something_o of_o the_o vanity_n and_o inward_a wretchedness_n of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n for_o as_o yet_o i_o know_v no_o great_a matter_n therein_o but_o now_o it_o begin_v to_o be_v discover_v unto_o i_o and_o also_o to_o work_v at_o that_o rate_n for_o wickedness_n as_o it_o never_o do_v before_o now_o i_o evident_o find_v that_o lust_n and_o corruption_n will_v strong_o put_v forth_o themselves_o within_o i_o in_o wicked_a thought_n and_o desire_n which_o i_o do_v not_o regard_v before_o my_o desire_n also_o for_o heaven_n and_o life_n begin_v to_o fail_v i_o find_v also_o that_o whereas_o before_o my_o soul_n be_v full_a of_o longâ—ngs_n after_o god_n now_o my_o heart_n begin_v to_o hanker_v after_o every_o foolish_a vanity_n yea_o my_o heart_n will_v not_o be_v move_v to_o mind_n that_o that_o be_v good_a it_o begin_v to_o be_v careless_a both_o of_o my_o soul_n and_o heaven_n it_o will_v now_o continual_o hang_v back_o both_o to_o and_o in_o every_o duty_n and_o be_v as_o a_o clog_n on_o the_o leg_n of_o a_o bird_n to_o hinder_v she_o from_o fly_v 65._o nay_o think_v i_o now_o i_o grow_v worse_o and_o worse_o now_o be_o i_o further_o from_o conversion_n then_o ever_o i_o be_v before_o wherefore_o i_o begin_v to_o sink_v great_o in_o my_o soul_n and_o begin_v to_o entertain_v such_o discouragement_n in_o my_o heart_n as_o lay_v i_o as_o low_a as_o hell_n if_o now_o i_o shall_v have_v burn_v at_o a_o stake_n i_o can_v not_o believe_v that_o christ_n have_v love_n for_o i_o alas_o i_o can_v neither_o hear_v he_o nor_o see_v he_o nor_o feel_v he_o nor_o savour_v any_o of_o his_o thing_n i_o be_v drive_v as_o with_o a_o tempest_n my_o heart_n will_v be_v unclean_a the_o canaanite_n will_v dwell_v in_o the_o land_n 66._o sometime_o i_o will_v tell_v my_o condition_n to_o the_o people_n of_o god_n which_o when_o they_o hear_v they_o will_v pity_v i_o and_o will_v tell_v i_o of_o the_o promise_n but_o they_o have_v as_o good_a have_v tell_v i_o that_o i_o must_v reach_v the_o sun_n with_o my_o finger_n as_o have_v bid_v i_o receive_v or_o rely_v upon_o the_o promise_n and_o as_o soon_o i_o shall_v have_v do_v it_o all_o my_o sense_n and_o feeling_n be_v against_o i_o and_o i_o see_v i_o have_v a_o heart_n that_o will_v sin_n and_o lay_v under_o a_o law_n that_o will_v condemn_v 67._o these_o thing_n have_v often_o make_v i_o think_v of_o that_o child_n which_o the_o father_n bring_v to_o christ_n who_o while_o he_o be_v yet_o a_o come_n to_o he_o be_v throw_v down_o by_o the_o devil_n and_o also_o so_o rend_v and_o tear_v by_o he_o that_o he_o lay_v and_o wallow_v foam_v luke_n 9.42_o maâ—â—_n 9.20_o 68_o further_o in_o these_o day_n i_o shall_v find_v mâ—_n heart_n to_o shut_v itself_o up_o against_o the_o lord_n and_o against_o his_o holy_a word_n i_o have_v find_v my_o unbelief_n to_o set_v as_o iâ—_n be_v the_o shoulder_n to_o the_o door_n to_o keep_v he_o out_o and_o that_o too_o even_o then_o when_o i_o have_v with_o many_o 〈◊〉_d bitter_a sigh_n cry_v good_a lord_n break_v it_o open_a lord_n break_v these_o gate_n of_o brass_n and_o cut_v these_o bar_n of_o iron_n asunder_o yet_o that_o word_n will_v sometime_o create_v in_o my_o heart_n a_o peaceable_a pause_n i_o gird_v thou_o though_o thou_o have_v not_o know_v i_o 69._o but_o all_o this_o while_n as_o to_o the_o act_n of_o sin_v i_o never_o be_v more_o tender_a
i_o i_o can_v have_v enlarge_v much_o in_o this_o my_o discourse_n of_o my_o temptation_n and_o trouble_n for_o sin_n as_o also_o of_o the_o merciful_a kindness_n and_o work_n of_o god_n with_o my_o soul_n i_o can_v also_o have_v step_v into_o a_o stile_n much_o high_a than_o this_o in_o which_o i_o have_v here_o discourse_v and_o can_v have_v adorn_v all_o thing_n more_o theâ—_n here_o i_o have_v seem_v to_o do_v but_o i_o dare_v not_o god_n do_v not_o play_v in_o convince_a of_o i_o the_o devil_n do_v not_o play_v in_o tempt_v of_o i_o neither_o do_v i_o play_v when_o i_o sink_v as_o into_o a_o bottomless_a pit_n when_o the_o pang_n of_o hell_n catch_v hold_n upon_o i_o wherefore_o i_o may_v not_o play_v in_o my_o relate_n of_o they_o but_o be_v plain_a and_o simple_a and_o lay_v down_o the_o thing_n as_o iâ—_n be_v he_o that_o like_v it_o let_v he_o receive_v it_o and_o he_o that_o do_v not_o let_v he_o produce_v a_o better_a farewell_o my_o dear_a child_n the_o milk_n and_o honey_n be_v beyond_o this_o wilderness_n god_n be_v merciful_a to_o you_o and_o grant_v you_o be_v not_o slothful_a to_o go_v in_o to_o possess_v the_o land_n jo._n bunyan_n grace._n abound_v to_o the_o chief_a of_o sinner_n or_o a_o brief_a relation_n of_o the_o exceed_a mercy_n of_o god_n in_o christ_n to_o his_o poor_a servant_n john_n bunyan_n in_o this_o my_o relation_n of_o the_o merciful_a work_n of_o god_n upon_o my_o soul_n it_o will_v not_o be_v amiss_o if_o in_o the_o first_o place_n i_o do_v in_o a_o few_o word_n give_v you_o a_o hint_n of_o my_o pedigree_n and_o manner_n of_o bring_v up_o that_o thereby_o the_o goodness_n and_o bounty_n of_o god_n towards_o i_o â—ay_v be_v the_o more_o advance_v and_o magnify_v before_o â—he_n son_n of_o man_n 2._o for_o my_o descent_n then_o it_o be_v as_o be_v well_o know_v â—y_a many_o of_o a_o low_a and_o inconsiderable_a generation_n â—y_a father_n house_n be_v of_o that_o rank_n that_o be_v meanâ—st_v and_o most_o despise_a of_o all_o the_o family_n in_o the_o â—and_n wherefore_o i_o have_v not_o here_o as_o other_o to_o boast_v of_o noble_a blood_n or_o of_o a_o high-born_a state_n according_a to_o the_o flesh_n though_o all_o thing_n consider_v i_o magnify_v the_o heavenly_a majesty_n for_o that_o by_o thiâ—_n door_n he_o bring_v i_o into_o this_o world_n to_o partake_v oâ—_n the_o grace_n and_o life_n that_o be_v in_o christ_n by_o the_o gospel_n 3._o but_o yet_o notwithstanding_o the_o meanness_n and_o inconsiderableness_n of_o my_o parent_n it_o please_v god_n to_o put_v it_o into_o their_o heart_n to_o put_v i_o to_o school_n to_o learn_v both_o to_o read_v and_o write_v the_o which_o i_o also_o attain_v according_a to_o the_o rate_n of_o other_o poor_a man_n child_n though_o to_o my_o shame_n i_o conâ—ess_v i_o do_v sooâ—_n loose_v that_o little_a i_o learn_v and_o that_o even_o almost_o utter_o and_o that_o long_a before_o the_o lord_n do_v work_v hiâ—_n gracious_a work_n of_o conversion_n upon_o my_o soul_n 4._o as_o for_o my_o own_o natural_a life_n for_o the_o time_n that_o i_o be_v without_o god_n in_o the_o world_n it_o be_v indeed_o accord_v to_o the_o course_n of_o this_o world_n and_o the_o spirit_n that_o now_o work_v in_o the_o child_n of_o disobedience_n it_o be_v my_o delight_n to_o be_v take_v captive_a by_o the_o devil_n at_o his_o will_n be_v fill_v with_o all_o unrighteousness_n the_o which_o do_v also_o so_o strong_o work_v and_o put_v forth_o itself_o both_o in_o my_o heart_n and_o life_n and_o thaâ—_n fâ—om_o a_o child_n that_o i_o have_v but_o few_o equal_n especial_o consider_v my_o yeaâ—s_n which_o be_v tender_a be_v few_o both_o for_o curse_v swear_v lie_v and_o blaspheme_v the_o holy_a name_n of_o god_n 5._o yea_o so_o settle_v and_o root_v be_v i_o in_o these_o thing_n that_o they_o become_v as_o a_o second_o nature_n to_o i_o the_o which_o as_o i_o also_o have_v with_o soberness_n consider_v since_o do_v so_o offend_v the_o lord_n that_o even_o iâ—_n my_o childhood_n he_o do_v scare_v and_o affright_v i_o witâ—_n fearful_a dream_n and_o do_v terrify_v i_o with_o dreadful_a vision_n for_o often_o after_o i_o have_v spend_v this_o and_o thâ—_n other_o day_n in_o sin_n i_o have_v in_o my_o bed_n be_v great_o afflict_v while_o asleep_o with_o the_o apprehension_n oâ—_n devil_n and_o wicked_a spirit_n who_o still_o as_o i_o theâ—_n think_v labour_v to_o draw_v i_o away_o with_o they_o of_o which_o i_o can_v never_o be_v rid_v also_o i_o shall_v at_o â—hese_fw-mi year_n be_v great_o afflict_v and_o trouble_v with_o â—he_n thought_n of_o the_o day_n of_o judgement_n and_o that_o â—oth_v night_n and_o day_n and_o shall_v tremble_v at_o the_o thought_n of_o the_o fearful_a torment_n of_o hell-fire_n still_o â—earing_v that_o it_o will_v be_v my_o lot_n to_o be_v find_v at_o last_o â—mongst_a those_o devil_n and_o hellish_a fiend_n who_o be_v â—here_o bind_v down_o with_o the_o chain_n and_o bond_n of_o eternal_a daâ—knâ—ss_n 6._o these_o thing_n i_o say_v when_o i_o be_v but_o a_o child_n do_v so_o distress_n my_o soul_n that_o when_o in_o the_o midst_n of_o my_o many_o sport_n and_o childish_a vanity_n amid_o my_o â—ain_a companion_n i_o be_v often_o much_o cast_v down_o and_o afflict_v in_o my_o mind_n therewith_o yet_o can_v i_o not_o let_v go_v my_o sin_n yea_o i_o be_v so_o overcome_v with_o despair_n of_o life_n and_o heaven_n that_o then_o i_o shall_v often_o wish_v either_o that_o there_o have_v be_v no_o hell_n or_o that_o i_o have_v be_v a_o devil_n suppose_v they_o be_v only_a tormentor_n that_o if_o it_o must_v needs_o be_v that_o i_o indeed_o go_v thither_o i_o may_v be_v rather_o a_o tormentor_n then_o torment_v myself_o 7._o a_o while_n after_o these_o terrible_a dream_n do_v leave_v i_o which_o also_o i_o soon_o forget_v for_o my_o pleasure_n do_v quick_o cut_v off_o the_o remembrance_n of_o they_o as_o if_o they_o have_v never_o be_v wherefore_o with_o more_o greediness_n according_a to_o the_o strength_n of_o nature_n i_o do_v still_o let_v loose_v the_o reins_o to_o my_o lust_n and_o delight_v in_o all_o transgression_n against_o the_o law_n of_o god_n so_o that_o until_o â—_o come_v to_o the_o state_n of_o marriage_n i_o be_v the_o very_a ringlead_a of_o all_o the_o youth_n that_o keep_v i_o company_n inâ—o_o all_o manner_n of_o vice_n and_o ungodliness_n 8._o yea_o such_o prevalency_n have_v the_o lust_n and_o fruit_n of_o the_o flesh_n in_o this_o poor_a soul_n of_o i_o that_o have_v not_o â—_o miracle_n of_o precious_a grace_n prevent_v i_o have_v not_o only_o perish_v by_o the_o stroke_n of_o eternal_a justice_n but_o â—ad_v also_o lay_v myself_o open_a even_o to_o the_o stroke_n of_o those_o â—aws_n which_o bring_v some_o to_o disgrace_n and_o open_a shame_n before_o the_o face_n of_o the_o woâ—ld_n 9_o in_o these_o day_n the_o thought_n of_o religion_n waâ—_n very_o grievous_a to_o i_o i_o can_v neither_o endure_v it_o mâ—_n self_n nor_o that_o any_o other_o shall_v so_o that_o when_o i_o hauâ—_n but_o see_v some_o read_n in_o those_o book_n that_o concern_v chistian_a piety_n it_o will_v be_v as_o it_o weâ—e_v a_o pâ—ison_n to_o i_o tâ—en_o i_o say_v unto_o god_n depart_v from_o i_o for_o i_o desire_v not_o the_o knowledge_n of_o thy_o way_n job_n 21.14_o 15._o 〈◊〉_d be_v now_o void_a of_o all_o good_a consideration_n heaveâ—_n and_o hell_n be_v both_o out_o of_o sight_n and_o mind_n anâ—_n as_o for_o save_v and_o damn_v they_o be_v least_o in_o my_o thought_n o_o lord_n thou_o know_v my_o life_n and_o my_o wayâ—_n be_v not_o hide_v fâ—om_n thou_o 10._o yet_o this_o i_o well_o remember_v that_o though_o 〈◊〉_d can_v myself_o sin_n with_o great_a delight_n and_o ease_v and_o also_o take_v pleasure_n in_o the_o vileness_n of_o my_o companion_n yet_o even_o then_o if_o i_o have_v at_o any_o time_n see_v wicked_a thing_n by_o those_o that_o profess_a goodness_n iâ—_n will_v make_v my_o spirit_n tremble_v as_o once_o above_o alâ—_n the_o rest_n when_o i_o be_v in_o my_o height_n of_o vanity_n yeâ—_n hear_v one_o to_o swear_v that_o be_v reckon_v for_o a_o relious_a man_n it_o have_v so_o great_a a_o stroke_n upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o it_o make_v my_o heart_n to_o ache_v 11._o present_o after_o this_o i_o change_v my_o condition_n into_o a_o marry_a state_n and_o my_o mercy_n be_v to_o light_v upon_o a_o wife_n who_o father_n be_v count_v godly_a this_o woman_n and_o i_o though_o we_o come_v together_o aâ—_n poor_a as_o poor_a may_v be_v not_o have_v so_o much_o as_o a_o dish_n or_o spoon_n betwixt_o we_o both_o yet_o this_o she_o have_v for_o her_o part_n the_o plain_a man_n pathway_n to_o heaven_n
and_o the_o practice_n of_o piety_n which_o her_o father_n have_v leave_v heâ—_n when_o he_o die_v in_o these_o two_o book_n i_o shall_v sometime_o read_v with_o she_o wherein_o i_o also_o find_v somâ—_n thing_n that_o be_v somewhat_o please_v to_o i_o buâ—_n all_o this_o while_n i_o meet_v with_o no_o conviction_n she_o alsâ—_n will_v be_v often_o tell_v of_o i_o what_o a_o godly_a man_n heâ—_n fatâ—er_n be_v and_o how_o he_o will_v reprove_v and_o correct_v vice_n both_o in_o his_o house_n and_o among_o his_o neighbour_n what_o a_o strict_a and_o holy_a life_n he_o live_v in_o his_o day_n both_o in_o word_n and_o deed_n 12._o wherefore_o these_o book_n with_o this_o relation_n though_o they_o do_v not_o reach_v my_o heart_n to_o awaken_v it_o about_o my_o sad_a and_o sinful_a state_n yet_o they_o do_v beget_v within_o i_o some_o desire_n to_o religion_n so_o that_o because_o i_o know_v no_o better_o i_o fall_v in_o very_o eager_o with_o the_o religion_n of_o the_o time_n to_o wit_n to_o go_v to_o church_n twice_o a_o day_n and_o that_o too_o with_o the_o foremost_a and_o there_o shall_v very_o devout_o both_o say_v and_o sing_v as_o other_o do_v yet_o retain_v my_o wicked_a life_n but_o withal_o i_o be_v so_o overrun_v with_o a_o spirit_n of_o superstition_n that_o i_o adore_v and_o that_o with_o great_a devotion_n even_o all_o thing_n both_o the_o high-place_n priest_n clerk_z vestment_n service_n and_o what_o else_o belong_v to_o the_o church_n count_v all_o thing_n holy_a that_o be_v therein_o contain_v and_o especial_o the_o priest_n and_o clerk_n most_o happy_a and_o without_o doubt_n great_o bless_v because_o they_o be_v the_o servant_n as_o i_o then_o think_v of_o god_n and_o be_v principal_a in_o the_o holy_a temple_n to_o do_v his_o work_n therein_o 13._o this_o conceit_n grow_v so_o strong_a in_o little_a time_n upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o have_v i_o but_o see_v a_o priest_n though_o never_o so_o sordid_a and_o debauch_a in_o his_o life_n i_o shall_v find_v my_o spirit_n fall_v under_o he_o reverence_v he_o and_o knit_v unto_o he_o yea_o i_o think_v for_o the_o love_n i_o do_v bear_v unto_o they_o suppose_v they_o be_v the_o minister_n of_o my_o god_n i_o can_v have_v lie_v down_o at_o their_o foot_n and_o have_v be_v trample_v upon_o by_o they_o their_o name_n their_o garb_n and_o work_v do_v so_o intoxicate_a and_o bewitch_v i_o 14._o after_o i_o have_v be_v thus_o for_o some_o considerable_a time_n another_o thought_n come_v into_o my_o mind_n and_o that_o be_v whether_o we_o be_v of_o the_o israelite_n or_o no_o for_o find_v in_o the_o scripture_n that_o they_o be_v once_o the_o peculiar_a people_n of_o god_n think_v i_o if_o i_o be_v one_o of_o this_o race_n my_o soul_n must_v needs_o be_v happy_a now_o again_o i_o find_v within_o i_o a_o great_a longing_n to_o be_v resolve_v about_o this_o question_n but_o can_v not_o tell_v how_o i_o shall_v at_o last_o i_o ask_v my_o father_n of_o it_o who_o tell_v i_o no_o we_o be_v not_o wherefore_o then_o i_o fall_v in_o my_o spirit_n as_o to_o the_o hope_n of_o that_o and_o so_o remain_v 15._o but_o all_o this_o while_n i_o be_v not_o sensible_a of_o the_o danger_n and_o evil_n of_o sin_n i_o be_v keep_v from_o consider_v that_o sin_n will_v damn_v i_o what_o religion_n soever_o i_o follow_v unless_o i_o be_v find_v in_o christ_n nay_o i_o never_o think_v of_o he_o nor_o whether_o there_o be_v one_o or_o no._n thus_o man_n while_o blind_a do_v wander_v but_o weary_v himself_o with_o vanity_n for_o he_o know_v not_o the_o way_n to_o the_o city_n of_o god_n eccles._n 10.15_o 16._o but_o one_o day_n among_o all_o the_o sermon_n our_o parson_n make_v his_o subject_n be_v to_o treat_v of_o the_o sabbath_n day_n and_o of_o the_o evil_a of_o break_v that_o either_o with_o labour_n sport_n or_o otherwise_o now_o i_o be_v one_o that_o take_v much_o delight_n in_o all_o manner_n of_o vice_n and_o especial_o that_o be_v the_o day_n that_o i_o do_v solace_v myself_o therewith_o wherefore_o i_o fall_v in_o my_o conscience_n under_o his_o sermon_n think_v and_o believe_v that_o he_o make_v that_o sermon_n on_o purpose_n to_o show_v i_o my_o evil-doing_a and_o at_o that_o time_n i_o feel_v what_o guilt_n be_v though_o never_o before_o that_o i_o can_v remember_v but_o then_o i_o be_v for_o the_o present_a great_o load_v therewith_o and_o so_o go_v home_o when_o the_o sermon_n be_v end_v with_o a_o great_a burden_n on_o my_o spirit_n 17._o this_o for_o that_o instant_n do_v cut_v the_o sinew_n of_o my_o delight_n and_o do_v embitter_v my_o former_a pleasure_n to_o i_o but_o behold_v it_o last_v not_o for_o before_o i_o have_v well_o dine_v the_o trouble_n begin_v to_o go_v off_o my_o mind_n and_o my_o heart_n return_v to_o its_o old_a course_n but_o oh_o how_o glad_a be_v i_o that_o this_o trouble_n be_v go_v from_o i_o and_o that_o the_o fire_n be_v put_v out_o wherefore_o when_o i_o have_v satisfy_v nature_n with_o my_o food_n i_o shake_v the_o sermon_n out_o my_o mind_n and_o to_o my_o old_a custom_n of_o sport_n and_o game_n i_o return_v with_o great_a delight_n 18._o but_o the_o same_o day_n as_o i_o be_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o a_o game_n at_o cat_n and_o have_v strike_v it_o one_o blow_n from_o the_o hole_n just_a as_o i_o be_v about_o to_o strike_v it_o the_o second_o time_n a_o voice_n do_v sudden_o dart_v from_o heaven_n into_o my_o soul_n which_o say_v will_v thou_o leave_v thy_o sin_n and_o go_v to_o heaven_n or_o have_v thy_o sin_n and_o go_v to_o hell_n at_o this_o i_o be_v put_v to_o a_o exceed_a maze_n wherefore_o leave_v my_o cat_n upon_o the_o ground_n i_o look_v up_o to_o heaven_n and_o be_v as_o if_o i_o have_v with_o the_o eye_n of_o my_o understanding_n see_v the_o lord_n jesus_n look_v down_o upon_o i_o as_o be_v very_o hot_o displease_v with_o i_o and_o as_o if_o he_o do_v severe_o threaten_v i_o with_o some_o grievous_a punishment_n for_o these_o and_o other_o my_o ungodly_a practice_n 19_o i_o have_v no_o soon_o thus_o conceive_v in_o my_o mind_n but_o sudden_o this_o conclusion_n be_v fasten_v on_o my_o spirit_n for_o the_o former_a hint_n do_v set_v my_o sin_n again_o before_o my_o face_n that_o i_o have_v be_v a_o great_a and_o grievous_a sinner_n and_o that_o it_o be_v now_o too_o too_o late_o for_o i_o to_o look_v after_o heaâ—â—n_n for_o christ_n will_v not_o forgive_v i_o nor_o pardon_v my_o transgression_n then_o i_o fall_v to_o muse_v upon_o this_o also_o and_o while_o i_o be_v think_v on_o it_o and_o fear_v lest_o it_o shall_v be_v so_o i_o feel_v my_o heart_n sink_v in_o despair_n conclude_v it_o be_v too_o late_o and_o therefore_o i_o resolve_v in_o my_o mind_n i_o will_v go_v on_o in_o sin_n for_o think_v i_o if_o the_o case_n be_v thus_o my_o state_n be_v sure_o miserable_a miserable_a if_o i_o leave_v my_o sin_n and_o but_o miserable_a if_o i_o follow_v they_o i_o can_v but_o be_v damn_v and_o if_o it_o must_v be_v so_o i_o have_v as_o good_a be_v damn_v for_o many_o sin_n as_o to_o be_v damn_v for_o few_o 20._o thus_o i_o stand_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o my_o play_n before_z â—ll_z that_o then_o be_v present_a but_o yet_o i_o tell_v they_o â—othing_v but_o i_o say_v i_o have_v make_v this_o conclusion_n â—_o return_v to_o my_o spoâ—t_n again_o and_o i_o well_o remember_v that_o present_o this_o kind_n of_o despair_n do_v so_o possess_v my_o soul_n that_o i_o be_v persuade_v i_o can_v never_o attain_v to_o other_o comfort_n then_o what_o i_o shall_v get_v in_o sin_n for_o heaven_n be_v go_v already_o so_o that_o on_o that_o i_o must_v not_o think_v wherefore_o i_o find_v within_o i_o a_o great_a desire_n to_o take_v my_o fill_n of_o sin_n still_o study_v what_o sin_n be_v yet_o to_o be_v commit_v that_o i_o may_v taste_v the_o sweetness_n of_o it_o and_o i_o make_v as_o much_o haste_n as_o i_o can_v to_o fill_v my_o belly_n with_o its_o delicate_n lest_o i_o shall_v die_v before_o i_o have_v my_o desire_n for_o that_o i_o sear_v great_o in_o these_o thing_n i_o protest_v before_o god_n i_o lyâ—_n not_o neither_o do_v i_o feign_v this_o form_n of_o speech_n these_o be_v real_o strong_o and_o with_o all_o my_o heart_n my_o desire_n the_o good_a lord_n who_o mercy_n be_v unsearchable_a forgive_v i_o my_o transgression_n 21._o and_o i_o be_o very_o confident_a that_o this_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n be_v more_o usual_a among_o poor_a creature_n than_o many_o be_v aware_a of_o even_o to_o overrun_v theiâ—_n spirit_n with_o a_o scurvy_a and_o sear_a frame_n of_o heart_n and_o benumb_a of_o conscience_n
than_o now_o i_o dare_v not_o take_v a_o pin_n or_o a_o stick_n though_o but_o so_o big_a as_o a_o straw_n for_o my_o conscience_n now_o be_v sore_a and_o will_v smart_v at_o every_o touch_n i_o can_v not_o now_o tell_v how_o to_o speak_v my_o word_n for_o fear_n i_o shall_v mis-place_n they_o o_o how_o gingerly_o do_v i_o then_o go_v in_o all_o i_o do_v or_o say_v i_o find_v myself_o as_o on_o a_o miry_a bog_n that_o shake_v if_o i_o do_v but_o stir_v and_o as_o there_o left_a both_o of_o god_n and_o christ_n and_o the_o spirit_n and_o all_o good_a thing_n 70._o and_o though_o i_o be_v thus_o trouble_v and_o toss_v and_o afflict_v with_o the_o sight_n and_o sense_n and_o terror_n of_o my_o own_o wickedness_n yet_o i_o be_v afraid_a to_o let_v this_o sense_n and_o sight_n go_v quite_o off_o my_o mind_n for_o i_o find_v that_o unless_o guilt_n of_o conscience_n be_v take_v off_o the_o right_a way_n that_o be_v by_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n a_o man_n grow_v rather_o worse_o for_o the_o loss_n of_o his_o trouble_n of_o mind_n than_o better_a wherefore_o if_o my_o guilt_n lie_v hard_o upon_o i_o than_o i_o shall_v cry_v that_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n may_v take_v it_o off_o and_o if_o it_o be_v go_v off_o without_o it_o for_o the_o sense_n of_o sin_n will_v be_v sometime_o as_o if_o it_o will_v die_v and_o go_v quite_o away_o than_o i_o will_v also_o strive_v to_o fetch_v it_o upon_o my_o heart_n again_o by_o bring_v the_o punishment_n for_o sin_n in_o hell-fire_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o shall_v cry_v lord_n let_v it_o not_o go_v off_o my_o heart_n but_o the_o right_a way_n but_o by_o the_o blood_n of_o christ_n and_o by_o the_o application_n of_o thy_o mercy_n through_o he_o to_o my_o soul_n for_o that_o scripture_n lie_v much_o upon_o i_o without_o shed_v of_o blood_n there_o be_v no_o remission_n heb._n 9.22_o and_o that_o which_o make_v i_o the_o more_o afraid_a of_o this_o be_v because_o i_o have_v see_v some_o who_o tho_o when_o they_o be_v under_o wound_n of_o conscience_n than_o they_o will_v cry_v and_o pray_v but_o they_o seek_v rather_o present_a ease_n from_o their_o trouble_n then_o pardon_v foâ—_n their_o sin_n care_v not_o how_o they_o lose_v their_o guilt_n 〈◊〉_d they_o get_v it_o out_o of_o their_o mind_n and_o therefore_o have_v get_v it_o off_o the_o wrong_a way_n it_o be_v not_o sanctifieâ—_n unto_o they_o but_o they_o grow_v hard_a and_o blind_a anâ—_n more_o wicked_a after_o their_o trouble_n this_o make_v 〈◊〉_d afraid_a and_o make_v i_o cry_v to_o god_n that_o it_o may_v noâ—_n be_v so_o with_o i_o 71._o and_o now_o be_v i_o sorry_a that_o god_n have_v make_v mâ—_n a_o man_n for_o i_o fear_v i_o be_v a_o reprobate_n i_o counteâ—_n man_n as_o unconvert_v the_o most_o doleful_a of_o all_o thâ—_n creature_n thus_o be_v afflict_v and_o toss_v abouâ—_n my_o sad_a condition_n i_o count_v myself_o alone_o anâ—_n above_o the_o most_o of_o man_n unblessed_a in_o this_o condition_n i_o go_v a_o great_a while_n but_o when_o comfort_v timâ—_n be_v come_v i_o hear_v one_o preach_v a_o sermon_n upoâ—_n those_o word_n in_o the_o song_n song_n 4.1_o behold_v thou_o anâ—_n fair_a my_o love_n behold_v thou_o be_v fair_a but_o at_o that_o timâ—_n he_o make_v these_o two_o word_n my_o love_n his_o chief_a anâ—_n subject_a matter_n from_o which_o after_o he_o have_v a_o littlâ—_n open_v the_o text_n he_o observe_v these_o several_a conclusion_n 1._o that_o the_o church_n and_o so_o every_o save_v soul_n 〈◊〉_d christ_n love_n when_o loveless_a 2._o christ_n love_n without_o 〈◊〉_d cause_n 3._o christ_n love_n when_o hate_v of_o the_o world_n 4._o christ_n love_n when_o under_o temptation_n and_o under_o diâ—sertion_n 5._o christ_n love_n from_o first_o to_o last_o 72._o but_o i_o get_v nothing_o by_o what_o he_o say_v at_o present_a only_o when_o he_o come_v to_o the_o application_n of_o the_o four_o particular_a this_o be_v the_o word_n he_o say_v if_o it_o be_v so_o thâ—â—_n the_o save_v soul_n be_v christ_n love_n when_o under_o temptation_n and_o dissertion_n then_o poor_a tempt_v soul_n when_o thou_o be_v assault_v and_o afflict_v with_o temptation_n and_o the_o hiding_n 〈◊〉_d god_n face_n yet_o think_v on_o these_o two_o word_n my_o love_n still_o 73._o so_o as_o i_o be_v a_o go_v home_o these_o word_n camâ—_n again_o into_o my_o thought_n and_o i_o well_o remember_v aâ—_n they_o come_v in_o i_o say_v thus_o in_o my_o heart_n what_o shall_v i_o get_v by_o think_v on_o these_o two_o word_n this_o thought_n have_v no_o soon_o pass_v through_o my_o heart_n but_o the_o word_n begin_v thus_o to_o kindle_v in_o my_o spirit_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n twenty_o time_n together_o and_o still_o as_o they_o run_v thus_o in_o my_o mind_n they_o wax_v strong_a and_o warm_a and_o begin_v to_o make_v i_o look_v up_o but_o be_v as_o yet_o between_o hope_n and_o fear_n i_o still_o reply_v in_o my_o heart_n but_o be_v it_o true_a too_o but_o be_v it_o true_a at_o which_o that_o sentence_n fall_v in_o upon_o i_o he_o wist_v not_o that_o it_o be_v true_a which_o be_v do_v unto_o he_o of_o the_o angel_n act._n 12.9_o 74._o then_o i_o begin_v to_o give_v place_n to_o the_o word_n which_o with_o power_n do_v over_o and_o over_o make_v this_o joyful_a sound_n within_o my_o soul_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n thou_o be_v my_o love_n and_o nothing_o shall_v separate_v thou_o from_o my_o love_n and_o with_o that_o rom._n 8.39_o come_v into_o my_o mind_n now_o be_v my_o heart_n fill_v full_a of_o comfort_n and_o hope_n and_o now_o i_o can_v believe_v that_o my_o sin_n shall_v be_v forgive_v i_o wherefore_o i_o say_v in_o my_o soul_n with_o much_o gladness_n well_o i_o will_v i_o have_v a_o pen_n and_o ink_n here_o i_o will_v write_v this_o down_o before_o i_o go_v any_o further_a for_o sure_o i_o will_v not_o forget_v this_o forty_o year_n hence_o but_o alas_o within_o less_o than_o forty_o day_n i_o begin_v to_o question_v all_o again_o 75._o yet_o still_o at_o time_n i_o be_v help_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o be_v a_o true_a manifestation_n of_o grace_n unto_o my_o soul_n though_o i_o have_v lose_v much_o of_o the_o life_n and_o savour_n of_o it_o now_o about_o a_o week_n or_o fortnight_n after_o this_o i_o be_v much_o follow_v by_o this_o scripture_n simon_n simon_n behold_v satan_n have_v desire_v to_o have_v you_o luk._n 22.31_o and_o sometime_o it_o will_v sound_v so_o loud_o within_o i_o yea_o and_o as_o it_o be_v call_v so_o strong_o after_o i_o that_o once_o above_o all_o the_o rest_n i_o turn_v my_o head_n over_o my_o shoulder_n think_v very_o that_o some_o man_n have_v behind_o i_o call_v to_o i_o be_v at_o a_o great_a distance_n 76._o but_o so_o foolish_a be_v i_o and_o ignorant_a that_o i_o know_v not_o the_o reason_n of_o this_o sound_n which_o as_o i_o do_v both_o see_v and_o feel_v soon_o after_o be_v send_v from_o heaven_n as_o a_o alarm_n to_o awaken_v i_o to_o provide_v for_o what_o be_v come_v only_o it_o will_v make_v i_o muse_v and_o wonder_v in_o my_o mind_n to_o think_v what_o shall_v be_v the_o reason_n that_o this_o scripture_n and_o that_o at_o this_o rate_n so_o often_o and_o so_o loud_a shall_v still_o be_v sound_v and_o rattle_v in_o my_o ear_n but_o as_o i_o say_v before_o i_o soon_o after_o perceive_v the_o end_n of_o god_n therein_o 77._o for_o about_o the_o space_n of_o a_o month_n after_o a_o very_a great_a storm_n come_v down_o upon_o i_o which_o handle_v i_o twenty_o time_n worse_o than_o all_o i_o have_v meet_v with_o before_o it_o come_v steal_v upon_o i_o now_o by_o one_o piece_n then_o by_o another_o first_o all_o my_o comfort_n be_v take_v from_o i_o than_o darkness_n seize_v upon_o i_o after_o which_o whole_a flood_n of_o blasphemy_n both_o against_o god_n christ_n and_o the_o scripture_n be_v pour_v upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o my_o great_a confusion_n and_o astonishment_n these_o blasphemous_a thought_n be_v such_o as_o also_o stir_v up_o question_n in_o i_o against_o the_o very_a be_v of_o god_n and_o of_o his_o only_a belove_a son_n as_o whether_o there_o be_v in_o truth_n a_o god_n or_o christ_n or_o no_o and_o whether_o the_o holy_a scripture_n be_v not_o rather_o a_o fable_n and_o cunning_a story_n than_o the_o holy_a and_o pure_a word_n of_o god_n 78._o the_o tempter_n also_o will_v much_o assault_v i_o with_o this_o how_o can_v you_o tell_v but_o that_o the_o turkâ—_n have_v as_o good_a scripture_n to_o prove_v their_o mahomet_n the_o saviour_n as_o we_o have_v to_o prove_v our_o jesus_n be_v and_o can_v i_o think_v that_o so_o many_o ten_o
the_o king_n contrary_a to_o the_o law_n esth._n 4.16_o i_o think_v also_o of_o benhadad_n servant_n who_o go_v with_o rope_n upon_o their_o head_n to_o their_o enemy_n for_o mercy_n 1_o kin._n 20.31_o etc._n etc._n the_o woman_n of_o canaan_n also_o that_o will_v not_o be_v daunt_v though_o call_v dog_n by_o christ_n mat._n 15.22_o etc._n etc._n and_o the_o man_n that_o go_v to_o borrow_v bread_n at_o midnight_n luk._n 11.5_o 6_o 7_o 8_o etc._n etc._n be_v great_a encouragement_n unto_o i_o 206._o i_o never_o see_v those_o height_n and_o depth_n in_o grace_n and_o love_n and_o mercy_n as_o i_o see_v after_o this_o temptation_n great_a sin_n do_v draw_v out_o great_a grace_n and_o where_o guilt_n be_v most_o terrible_a and_o fierce_a there_o the_o mercy_n of_o god_n in_o christ_n when_o show_v to_o the_o soul_n appear_v most_o high_a and_o mighty_a when_o job_n have_v pass_v through_o his_o captivity_n he_o have_v twice_o as_o much_o as_o he_o have_v before_o job_n 42.10_o bless_a be_v god_n for_o jesus_n christ_n our_o lord_n many_o other_o thing_n i_o may_v here_o make_v observation_n of_o but_o i_o will_v be_v brief_a and_o therefore_o shall_v at_o this_o time_n omit_v they_o and_o do_v pray_v god_n that_o my_o harm_n may_v make_v other_o fear_v to_o offend_v lest_o they_o also_o be_v make_v to_o bear_v the_o iron_n yoke_v as_o i_o 207._o now_o i_o shall_v go_v forward_o to_o give_v you_o a_o relation_n of_o other_o of_o the_o lord_n deal_n with_o i_o of_o his_o deal_n with_o i_o at_o sundâ—y_a other_o season_n and_o of_o the_o temptation_n i_o then_o do_v meet_v withal_o i_o shall_v begin_v with_o what_o i_o meet_v with_o when_o i_o first_o do_v join_v in_o fellowship_n with_o the_o people_n of_o god_n in_o bedford_n after_o i_o have_v propound_v to_o the_o church_n that_o my_o desire_n be_v to_o walk_v in_o the_o order_n and_o ordinance_n of_o christ_n with_o they_o and_o be_v also_o admit_v by_o they_o while_o i_o think_v of_o that_o bless_a ordinance_n of_o christ_n which_o be_v his_o last_o supper_n with_o his_o disciple_n before_o his_o death_n that_o scripture_n do_v this_o in_o remembrance_n of_o i_o luk._n 22.19_o be_v make_v a_o very_a precious_a word_n unto_o i_o for_o by_o it_o the_o lord_n do_v come_v down_o upon_o my_o conscience_n with_o the_o discovery_n of_o his_o death_n for_o my_o sin_n and_o as_o i_o then_o feel_v do_v as_o if_o he_o plunge_v i_o in_o the_o virtue_n of_o the_o same_o but_o behold_v i_o have_v not_o be_v long_o a_o partaker_n at_o that_o ordinance_n but_o such_o fierce_a and_o sad_a temptation_n do_v attend_v i_o at_o all_o time_n therein_o both_o to_o blaspheme_v the_o ordinance_n and_o to_o wish_v some_o deadly_a thing_n to_o those_o that_o then_o do_v eat_v thereof_o that_o lest_o i_o shall_v at_o any_o time_n be_v guilty_a of_o consent_v to_o these_o wicked_a and_o fearful_a thought_n i_o be_v force_v to_o bend_v myself_o all_o the_o while_n to_o pray_v to_o god_n to_o keep_v i_o from_o such_o blasphemy_n and_o also_o to_o cry_v to_o god_n to_o bless_v the_o bread_n and_o cup_n to_o they_o as_o it_o go_v from_o mouth_n to_o mouth_n the_o reason_n of_o this_o temptation_n i_o have_v think_v since_o be_v because_o i_o do_v not_o with_o that_o reverence_n at_o first_o approach_n to_o partake_v thereof_o 208._o thus_o i_o continue_v for_o three_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n and_o can_v never_o have_v rest_n nor_o ease_n but_o at_o last_o the_o lord_n come_v in_o upon_o my_o soul_n with_o that_o same_o scripture_n by_o which_o my_o soul_n be_v visit_v before_o and_o after_o that_o i_o have_v be_v usual_o very_o well_o and_o comfortable_a in_o the_o partake_n of_o that_o bless_a ordinance_n and_o have_v i_o trust_v therein_o discern_v the_o lord_n body_n as_o break_v for_o my_o sin_n and_o that_o his_o precious_a blood_n have_v be_v shed_v for_o my_o transgression_n 209._o upon_o a_o time_n i_o be_v somewhat_o incline_v to_o a_o consumption_n wherefore_o about_o the_o spring_n i_o be_v sudden_o and_o violent_o seize_v with_o much_o weakness_n in_o my_o outward_a man_n insomuch_o that_o i_o think_v i_o can_v not_o live_v now_o begin_v i_o afresh_o to_o give_v myself_o up_o to_o a_o serious_a examination_n after_o my_o state_n and_o condition_n for_o the_o future_a and_o of_o my_o evidence_n for_o that_o bless_a world_n to_o come_v for_o it_o have_v i_o bless_v the_o name_n of_o god_n be_v my_o usual_a course_n as_o always_o so_o especial_o in_o the_o day_n of_o affliction_n to_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v my_o interest_n in_o life_n to_o come_v clear_a before_o my_o eye_n 210._o but_o i_o have_v no_o soon_o begin_v to_o recall_v to_o mind_v my_o former_a experience_n of_o the_o goodness_n of_o god_n to_o my_o soul_n but_o there_o come_v flock_v into_o my_o mind_n a_o innumerable_a company_n of_o my_o sin_n and_o transgression_n among_o which_o these_o be_v at_o this_o time_n most_o to_o my_o affliction_n namely_o my_o deadness_n dulness_n and_o coldness_n in_o holy_a duty_n my_o wander_n of_o heart_n my_o wearisomeness_n in_o all_o good_a thing_n my_o want_n of_o love_n to_o god_n his_o way_n and_o people_n with_o this_o at_o the_o end_n of_o all_o be_v these_o the_o fruit_n of_o christianity_n be_v these_o the_o token_n of_o a_o bless_a man_n 211._o at_o the_o apprehension_n of_o these_o thing_n my_o sickness_n be_v double_v upon_o i_o for_o now_o be_v i_o sick_a in_o my_o inward_a man_n my_o soul_n be_v clog_v with_o guilt_n now_o also_o be_v all_o my_o former_a experience_n of_o god_n goodness_n to_o i_o quite_o take_v out_o of_o my_o mind_n and_o hide_v as_o if_o it_o have_v never_o be_v nor_o see_v now_o be_v my_o soul_n great_o pinch_v between_o these_o two_o consideration_n live_v i_o must_v not_o die_v i_o dare_v not_o now_o i_o sink_v and_o fall_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o be_v give_v up_o all_o for_o lose_v but_o as_o i_o be_v walk_v up_o and_o down_o in_o the_o house_n as_o a_o man_n in_o a_o most_o woeful_a state_n that_o word_n of_o god_n take_v hold_v of_o my_o heart_n you_o be_v justify_v free_o by_o his_o grace_n through_o the_o redemption_n that_o be_v in_o christ_n jesus_n rom._n 3.24_o 212._o now_o be_v i_o as_o one_o awaken_v out_o of_o some_o troublesome_a sleep_n and_o dream_n and_o listen_v to_o this_o heavenly_a sentence_n i_o be_v as_o if_o i_o hear_v it_o thus_o expound_v to_o i_o sinner_n thou_o think_v that_o because_o of_o thy_o sin_n and_o infirmity_n i_o can_v save_v thy_o soul_n but_o behold_v my_o son_n be_v by_o i_o and_o upon_o he_o i_o look_v and_o not_o on_o tâ—ree_n and_o will_v deal_v with_o thou_o according_a as_o i_o be_o please_v with_o he_o at_o this_o i_o be_v great_o lighten_v in_o my_o mind_n and_o make_v to_o understand_v that_o god_n can_v justify_v a_o sinner_n at_o any_o time_n it_o be_v but_o look_v upon_o christ_n and_o impute_v of_o his_o benefit_n to_o we_o and_o the_o work_n be_v forthwith_o do_v 213._o and_o as_o i_o be_v thus_o in_o a_o muse_n that_o scripture_n come_v with_o great_a power_n upon_o my_o spirit_n not_o by_o work_n of_o righteousness_n that_o we_o have_v do_v but_o according_a to_o his_o mercy_n he_o save_v we_o etc._n etc._n 2_o tim._n 1_o 9_o tit._n 3.5_o now_o be_v i_o get_v on_o high_a i_o see_v myself_o within_o the_o arm_n of_o grace_n and_o mercy_n and_o though_o i_o be_v before_o afraid_a to_o think_v of_o a_o die_a hour_n yet_o now_o i_o cry_v let_v i_o die_v now_o death_n be_v lovely_a and_o beautiful_a in_o my_o sight_n for_o i_o see_v we_o shall_v never_o live_v indeed_o till_o we_o be_v go_v to_o the_o other_o world_n o_o methinks_v this_o life_n be_v but_o a_o slumber_n in_o comparison_n of_o that_o above_o at_o this_o time_n also_o i_o see_v more_o in_o those_o word_n heir_n of_o god_n rom._n 8.17_o then_o ever_o i_o shall_v be_v able_a to_o express_v while_o i_o live_v in_o this_o world_n heir_n of_o god_n god_n himself_o be_v the_o portion_n of_o the_o saint_n this_o i_o see_v and_o wonder_v at_o but_o can_v tell_v you_o what_o i_o see_v 214._o at_o another_o time_n though_o just_a before_o i_o be_v pretty_a well_o and_o savoury_a in_o my_o spirit_n yet_o sudden_o there_o fall_v upon_o i_o a_o great_a cloud_n of_o darkness_n which_o do_v so_o hide_v from_o i_o the_o thing_n of_o god_n and_o christ_n that_o i_o be_v as_o if_o i_o have_v never_o see_v or_o know_v they_o in_o my_o life_n i_o be_v also_o so_o overrun_v in_o my_o soul_n with_o a_o senseless_a heartless_a frame_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o can_v not_o feel_v my_o soul_n to_o move_v or_o stir_v after_o grace_n and_o life_n
have_v be_v make_v upon_o it_o 249._o just_o thus_o i_o see_v it_o be_v and_o will_v be_v with_o they_o who_o have_v gift_n but_o want_v saving-grace_n they_o be_v in_o the_o hand_n of_o christ_n as_o the_o cymbal_n in_o the_o hand_n of_o david_n and_o as_o david_n can_v with_o the_o cymbal_n make_v that_o mirth_n in_o the_o service_n of_o god_n as_o to_o elevate_v the_o heart_n of_o the_o worshipper_n so_o christ_n can_v use_v these_o gift_a man_n as_o with_o they_o to_o affect_v the_o soul_n of_o his_o people_n in_o his_o church_n yet_o when_o he_o have_v do_v all_o hang_v they_o by_o as_o lifeless_a though_o sound_v cymbal_n 250._o this_o consideration_n therefore_o together_o with_o some_o other_o be_v for_o the_o most_o part_n as_o a_o maul_v on_o the_o head_n of_o pride_n and_o desire_n of_o vainglory_n what_o think_v i_o shall_v i_o be_v proud_a because_o i_o be_o a_o sound_a brass_n be_v it_o so_o much_o to_o be_v a_o fiddle_n have_v not_o the_o least_o creature_n that_o have_v life_n more_o of_o god_n in_o it_o than_o these_o beside_o i_o know_v it_o be_v love_n shall_v never_o die_v but_o these_o must_v cease_v and_o vanish_v so_o i_o conclude_v a_o little_a grace_n a_o little_a love_n a_o little_a of_o the_o true_a fear_n of_o god_n be_v better_a than_o all_o these_o gift_n yea_o and_o i_o be_o full_o convince_v of_o it_o that_o it_o be_v possible_a for_o a_o soul_n that_o can_v scarce_o give_v a_o man_n a_o answer_n but_o with_o great_a confusion_n as_o to_o method_n i_o say_v it_o be_v possible_a for_o they_o to_o have_v a_o thousand_o time_n more_o grace_n and_o so_o to_o be_v more_o in_o the_o love_n and_o favour_n of_o the_o lord_n than_o some_o who_o by_o virtue_n of_o the_o gift_n of_o knowledge_n can_v deliver_v themselves_o like_o angel_n a_o brief_a account_n of_o the_o author_n imprisonment_n 251._o have_v make_v profession_n of_o the_o glorious_a gospel_n of_o christ_n along_o time_n and_o have_v preach_v the_o same_o about_o five_o year_n i_o be_v apprehend_v at_o a_o meeting_n of_o good_a people_n in_o the_o country_n among_o who_o have_v they_o let_v i_o alone_o i_o shall_v â—â—ve_v preach_v that_o day_n but_o they_o take_v i_o away_o from_o among_o they_o and_o have_v i_o before_o a_o justice_n who_o after_o i_o have_v offer_v security_n for_o my_o appear_v at_o the_o next_o session_n yet_o commit_v i_o because_o my_o surety_n will_v not_o consent_v to_o be_v bind_v that_o i_o shall_v preach_v no_o more_o to_o the_o people_n 252._o at_o the_o session_n after_o i_o be_v indict_v for_o a_o upholder_n and_o maintainer_n of_o unlawful_a assembly_n and_o conventicle_n and_o for_o not_o conform_v to_o the_o national_a worship_n of_o the_o church_n of_o england_n and_o after_o some_o conference_n there_o with_o the_o justice_n be_v sentence_v to_o perpetual_a banishment_n because_o i_o refuse_v to_o conform_v so_o be_v again_o deliver_v â—p_n to_o the_o gaoler_n hand_n i_o be_v have_v home_o to_o prison_n again_o and_o there_o have_v lie_v now_o above_o five_o year_n and_o a_o quarter_n wait_v to_o see_v what_o god_n will_v suffer_v these_o mâ—n_z to_o do_v with_o i_o 253._o in_o which_o condition_n i_o have_v continue_v wiâ—h_v much_o content_n through_o grace_n but_o have_v meet_v with_o many_o tuâ—nings_n and_o going_n upon_o my_o heart_n both_o fâ—om_n the_o lord_n satan_n and_o my_o own_o corruption_n by_o all_o which_o glory_n be_v to_o jesus_n christ_n i_o have_v also_o receive_v among_o many_o thing_n much_o conviction_n instruction_n and_o understanding_n of_o which_o at_o laâ—ge_n i_o shall_v not_o here_o discourse_n only_o give_v you_o in_o a_o hint_n or_o two_o a_o word_n that_o may_v stir_v up_o the_o godly_a to_o bless_v god_n and_o to_o pray_v for_o i_o and_o also_o to_o take_v encouragement_n shall_v the_o case_n be_v their_o own_o not_o to_o fear_v what_o man_n can_v do_v unto_o they_o 254._o i_o never_o have_v in_o all_o my_o life_n so_o great_a a_o inlet_n into_o the_o word_n of_o god_n as_o now_o they_o scripture_n that_o i_o see_v nothing_o in_o before_o be_v make_v in_o this_o place_n and_o state_n to_o shine_v upon_o i_o jesus_n christ_n alâ—o_o be_v never_o more_o reâ—l_a and_o apparent_a then_o now_o here_o i_o have_v see_v he_o and_o feel_v he_o indeed_o o_o that_o word_n we_o have_v not_o preach_v unto_o you_o cunning_o devise_v fable_n 2_o pet._n 1_o 16._o and_o that_o god_n raise_v christ_n from_o the_o dead_a and_o give_v he_o glory_n that_o your_o faith_n and_o hope_n may_v be_v in_o god_n 1_o pet._n 1.20_o be_v bless_a word_n unto_o i_o in_o this_o my_o imprison_a condition_n 255._o these_o three_o or_o four_o scripture_n also_o have_v be_v great_a refreshment_n in_o this_o condition_n to_o i_o joh._n 14.1_o 2_o 3_o 4._o joh._n 16.33_o col._n 3.3_o 4._o heb._n 12.22_o 23_o 24._o so_o that_o sometime_o when_o i_o have_v be_v in_o the_o favour_n of_o they_o i_o have_v be_v able_a to_o laugh_v at_o destruction_n and_o â—o_o fear_v neiâ—her_o the_o horse_n nor_o his_o rider_n i_o have_v have_v sweet_a sight_n of_o the_o forgiveness_n of_o my_o sin_n in_o this_o place_n and_o of_o my_o be_v with_o jesus_n in_o another_o world_n o_o the_o mount_n zion_n the_o heavenly_a jerusalem_n the_o innumerable_a company_n of_o angel_n and_o god_n the_o judge_n of_o all_o and_o the_o spirit_n of_o just_a man_n make_v perfect_a and_o jesus_n have_v be_v sweet_a unto_o i_o in_o this_o place_n i_o have_v see_v that_o here_o that_o i_o be_o persuade_v i_o shall_v never_o while_o in_o this_o world_n be_v able_a to_o express_v i_o have_v see_v a_o truth_n in_o that_o scripture_n who_o have_v not_o see_v you_o love_v in_o who_o though_o now_o you_o see_v he_o not_o yet_o believe_v you_o rejoice_v with_o joy_n unspeakable_a and_o full_a of_o glory_n 1_o pet._n 1.8_o 256._o i_o never_o know_v what_o it_o be_v for_o god_n to_o stand_v by_o i_o at_o all_o turn_n and_o at_o every_o offer_n of_o satan_n etc._n etc._n as_o i_o have_v find_v he_o since_o i_o come_v in_o hither_o for_o look_v how_o fear_n have_v present_v themselves_o so_o have_v support_n and_o encouragement_n yea_o when_o i_o have_v start_v even_o as_o it_o be_v at_o nothing_o else_o but_o my_o shadow_n yet_o god_n as_o be_v very_o tender_a of_o i_o have_v not_o suffer_v i_o to_o be_v molest_v but_o will_v with_o one_o scripture_n and_o another_o strengthen_v i_o against_o all_o insomuch_o that_o i_o have_v often_o say_v be_v it_o lawful_a i_o can_v pray_v for_o great_a trouble_n for_o the_o great_a comfort_n sake_n eccles._n 7.14_o 2_o cor._n 1.5_o 257._o before_o i_o come_v to_o prison_n i_o see_v what_o be_v a_o come_n and_o have_v especial_o two_o consideration_n wâ—rm_v upon_o my_o heart_n the_o first_o be_v how_o to_o be_v able_a to_o endure_v shall_v my_o imprisonment_n be_v lonâ—_n and_o tedious_a the_o second_o be_v how_o to_o be_v able_a to_o encounter_v death_n shall_v that_o be_v here_o my_o portion_n for_o the_o first_o of_o these_o that_o scripture_n col._n 1.11_o be_v great_a information_n to_o i_o namely_o to_o pray_v to_o god_n to_o be_v strengthen_v with_o all_o might_n according_a to_o his_o glorious_a power_n unto_o all_o patience_n and_o long-suffering_a with_o joyfulness_n i_o can_v seldom_o go_v to_o prayer_n before_o i_o be_v imprison_v but_o for_o not_o so_o little_a as_o a_o year_n together_o this_o sentence_n of_o sweet_a petition_n will_v as_o it_o be_v thrust_v itself_o into_o my_o mind_n and_o persuade_v i_o that_o if_o ever_o i_o will_v go_v through_o long-suffering_a i_o must_v have_v all_o patience_n especial_o if_o i_o will_v endure_v it_o joyful_o 258._o as_o to_o the_o second_o consideration_n that_o say_v 2_o cor._n 1.9_o be_v of_o great_a use_n unto_o i_o but_o we_o have_v the_o sentence_n of_o death_n in_o ourselves_o that_o we_o may_v not_o trust_v in_o ourselves_o but_o in_o god_n that_o raise_v the_o dead_a by_o this_o scripture_n i_o be_v make_v to_o see_v that_o if_o ever_o i_o will_v suffer_v right_o i_o must_v first_o pass_v a_o sentence_n of_o death_n upon_o every_o thing_n that_o can_v proper_o be_v call_v a_o thing_n of_o this_o life_n even_o to_o reckon_v myself_o my_o wife_n my_o child_n my_o health_n my_o enjoyment_n and_o all_o as_o dead_a to_o i_o &_o myself_o as_o dead_a to_o they_o 259._o the_o second_o be_v to_o live_v upon_o god_n that_o be_v invisible_a as_o paul_n say_v in_o another_o place_n the_o way_n not_o to_o faint_v be_v to_o look_v not_o at_o the_o thing_n that_o be_v see_v but_o at_o the_o thing_n that_o be_v not_o see_v for_o the_o thing_n that_o be_v see_v be_v temporal_a but_o the_o thing_n that_o be_v not_o see_v they_o