by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
knowing the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosome did before speak this word and leave it upon record that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation 57. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while and the comfort was the more when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long agoe and that he should speak them words on purpose for my sake for I did then think verily that he did on purpose speak them to encourage me withall 58. After this I found by reading the word that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world Must be called by him here Called to the partaking of a share in his word and righteousness and to the comforts first-fruits of his Spirit and to a peculiar interest in all those Heavenly things which do indeed fore-fit the Soul for that rest and house of glory which is in Heaven above 59. Here again I was at a very great stand not knowing what to doe fearing I was not called for thought I if I be not called what then can doe me good But oh how I now loved those words that spake of a Christians calling as when the Lord said to one Follow me and to another Come after me and oh thought I that he would say so to me too how gladly would I run after him 60. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my Soul I cryed to Christ to call me Thus I continued for a time all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ and did also see at that day such glory in a converted state that I could not be contented without a share therein Gold could it have been gotten for Gold what could I have given for it had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this that my Soul might have been in a converted state 61. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and women they shone they walked like a people that carried the broad Seal of Heaven about them Oh I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places and they had a goodly heritage But that which made me sick was that of Christ in Mark He went up into a Mountain and called to him whom he would and they came unto him Mark 3.13 62. This Scripture made me saint and fear yet it kindled fire in my Soul That which made me fear was this lest Christ should have no liking to me for he called whom he would But on the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldome read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished Would I had been in their cloaths would I had been born Peter would I had been born John or would I had been by and had heard him when he called them how would I have cryed O Lord call me also but oh I feared he would not call me 63. And truly the Lord let me goe thus many months together and shewed me nothing either that I was already or should be called hereafter But at last after much time spent and many groans to God that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling that word came in upon me I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed for the Lord dwelleth in Zion Joel 3.21 These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God and signified unto me that if I were not already yet time might come I might be in truth converted unto Christ. 64. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Gedford and to tell them my condition which when they had heard they told Mr. Gifford of me who himself also took occasion to talke with me and was willing to be perswaded of me though I think but from little grounds but he invited me to his house where I should hear him confer with others about the dealings of God with the Soul from all which I still received more conviction and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart for as yet I knew no great matter therein but now it began to be discovered unto me and also to worke at that rate for wickedness as it never did before Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me in wicked thoughts and desires which I did not regard before my desires also for heaven and life began to fail I found also that whereas before my Soul was full of longâ—ngs after God now my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity yea my heart would not be moved to mind that that was good it began to be careless both of my Soul and Heaven it would now continually hang back both to and in every duty and was as a clog on the leg of a Bird to hinder her from flying 65. Nay thought I now I grow worse and worse now am I further from conversion then ever I was before wherefore I began to sink greatly in my Soul and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me as low as Hell If now I should have burned at a stake I could not believe that Christ had love for me Alas I could neither hear him nor see him nor feel him nor savor any of his things I was driven as with a Tempest my heart would be unclean the Cananites would dwell in the Land 66. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God which when they heard they would pity me and would tell me of the Promises but they had as good have told me that I must reach the Sun with my finger as have bidden me receive or relie upon the Promise and as soon I should have done it all my sence and feeling was against me and I saw I had a heart that would sin and lay under a Law that would condemn 67. These things have often made me think of that Child which the Father brought to Christ Who while he was yet a coming to him was thrown down by the Devil and also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed foaming Luke 9.42 Maâ—â— 9.20 68. Further in these dayes I should find mâ— heart to shut it self up against the Lord and against his holy Word I have found my unbelief to set as iâ— were the shoulder to the door to keep him out and that too even then when I have with many 〈◊〉 bitter sigh cried Good Lord break it open Lord break these gates of brass and cut these bars of iron asunder Yet that Word would sometime create in my heart a peaceable pause I girded thee though thou hast not known me 69. But all this while as to the act of sinning I never was more tender
me I could have enlarged much in this my discourse of my temptations and troubles for sin as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my Soul I could also have stept into a stile much higher then this in which I have here discoursed and could have adorned all things more theâ— here I have seemed to do but I dare not God did not play in convincing of me the Devil did not play in tempting of me neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me wherefore I may not play in my relating of them but be plain and simple and lay down the thing as iâ— was He that liketh it let him receive it and he that does not let him produce a better Farewel My dear Children The Milk and Honey is beyond this Wilderness God be merciful to you and grant you be not slothful to go in to possesâ— the Land Jo. Bunyan GRACE Abounding to the chief of Sinners OR A Brief Relation Of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor Servant John Bunyan IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my Soul it will not be amiss if in the first place I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedegree and manner of bringing up that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me â—ay be the more advanced and magnified before â—he sons of men 2. For my descent then it was as is well known â—y many of a low and inconsiderable generation â—y fathers house being of that rank that is meanâ—st and most despised of all the families in the â—and Wherefore I have not here as others to boast of Noble blood or of a High-born state according to the flesh though all things considered I magnifie the Heavenly Majesty for that by thiâ— door he brought me into this world to partake oâ— the Grace and Life that is in Christ by the Gospel 3. But yet notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my Parents it pleased God to put it into their heart to put me to School to learn both to Read and Write the which I also attained according to the rate of other poor mens children though to my shame I conâ—ess I did sooâ— loose that little I learnt and that even almost utterly and that long before the Lord did work hiâ— gracious work of conversion upon my Soul 4. As for my own natural life for the time that I was without God in the world it was indeed accoâ—ding to the course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience it was my delight to be taken captive by the Devil at his will being filled with all unrighteousness the which did also so strongly work and put forth it self both in my heart and life and thaâ— fâ—om a childe that I had but few Equals especially considering my yeaâ—s which were tender being few both for cuâ—sing swearing lying and blaspheming the holy Name of God 5. Yea so setled and rooted was I in thesâ— things that they became as a second Nature to me the which as I also have with soberness considered since did so offend the Lord that even iâ— my childhood he did scare and affright me witâ— fearful dreams and did terrifie me with dreadfuâ— visions For often after I had spent this and thâ— other day in sin I have in my bed been greatly aâ—flicted while asleep with the apprehensions oâ— Devils and wicked spirits who still as I theâ— thought laboured to draw me away with them of which I could never be rid Also I should at â—hese years be gâ—eatly afflicted and troubled with â—he thoughts of the day of Judgement and that â—oth night and day and should tremble at the â—houghts of the fearful torments of Hell-fire still â—earing that it would be my lot to be found at last â—mongst those Devils and Hellish Fiends who are â—here bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal daâ—knâ—ss 6. These things I say when I was but a childe did so distress my Soul that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities amidst my â—ain companions I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith yet could I not let go my sins yea I was so overcome with despair of life and heaven that then I should often wish either that there had been no Hell or that I had been a Devil supposing they were onely tormentors that if it must needs be that I indeed went thither I might be rather a tormentor then â—ormented my self 7. A while after these terrible dreams did leave me which also I soon forgot for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them as if they had never been wherefore with more greediness according to the strength of Nature I did still let loose the reins to my lusts and delighted in all â—ransgression against the Law of God so that until â— came to the state of marriage I was the very ring-â—eader of all the Youth that kept me company inâ—o all manner of vice and ungodliness 8. Yea such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor Soul of mine that had not â— miracle of precious grace prevented I had not onely perished by the stroke of eternal Justice but â—ad also laid my self open even to the stroke of those â—aws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the woâ—ld 9. In these days the thoughts of Religion waâ— very grievous to me I could neither endure it mâ— self nor that any other should so that when I havâ— but seen some read in those books that concerned Chistian piety it would be as it weâ—e a pâ—ison to me Tâ—en I said unto God Depart from me for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways Job 21.14 15. 〈◊〉 was now void of all good consideration Heaveâ— and Hell were both out of sight and minde anâ— as for Saving and Damning they were least in my thoughts O Lord thou knowest my life and my wayâ— were not hid fâ—om thee 10. Yet this I well remember that though 〈◊〉 could my self sin with greatest delight and ease and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions yet even then if I have at any time seen wicked things by those that professed goodness iâ— would make my spirit tremble As once above alâ— the rest when I was in my heighth of vanity yeâ— hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a relious man it had so great a stroke upon my spirit as it made my heart to ake 11. Presently after this I changed my condition into a married state and my mercy was to lighâ— upon a Wife whose Father was counted godly this Woman and I though we came together aâ— poor as poor might be not having so much as a Dish or Spoon betwixt us both yet this she had for her part The Plain Mans Path-way to Heaven
and The Practice of Piety which her Father had left heâ— when he died In these two Books I should sometimes read with her wherein I also found somâ— things that were somewhat pleasing to me buâ— all this while I met with no conviction She alsâ— would be often telling of me what a godly man heâ— Fatâ—er was and how he would reprove and correct Vice both in his house and amongst his neighbours what a strict and holy life he lived in his day both in word and deed 12. Wherefore these books with this relation though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state yet they did beget within me some desires to Religion so that because I knew no better I fell in very eagerly with the Religion of the times to wit to go to Church twice a day and that too with the foremost and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did yet retaining my wicked life but withal I was so over-run with a spirit of superstition that I adored and that with great devotion even all things both the High-place Priest Clerk Vestments Service and what else belonging to the Church counting all things holy that were therein contained and especially the Priest and Clerk most happy and without doubt greatly blessed because they were the Servants as I then thought of God and were principal in the holy Temple to do his work therein 13. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit that had I but seen a Priest though never so sordid and debauched in his life I should find my spirit fall under him reverence him and knit unto him yea I thought for the love I did bear unto them supposing they were the Ministers of my God I could have layn down at their feet and have been trampled upon by them their Name their Garb and Work did so intoxicate and bewitch me 14. After I had been thus for some considerable time another thought came into my mind and that was Whether we were of the Israelites or no for finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar People of God thought I if I were one of this race my Soul must needs be happy Now again I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question but could not tell how I should at last I asked my father of it who told me No we were not wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that and so remained 15. But all this while I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin I was kept from considering that sin would damn me what Religion soever I followed unleâ—s I was found in Christ nay I never thought of him nor whether there was one or no. Thus man while blind doth wander but wearieth himâ—elf with vanity for he knoweth not the way to the City of God Eccles. 10.15 16. But one day amongst all the Sermons our Parson made his subject was to treat of the Sabbath day and of the evil of breaking that either with labour sports or otherwise now I was one that took much delight in all manner of vice and especially that was the Day that I did solace my self therewith Wherefore I fell in my conscience under his Sermon thinking and believing that he made that Sermon on purpose to shew me my evil-doing and at that time I felt what guilt was though never before that I can remember but then I was for the present greatly loaden therewith and so went home when the Sermon was ended with a great burden on my spirit 17. This for that instant did cut the sinews of my delights and did imbitter my former pleasures to me but behold it lasted not for before I had well dined the trouble began to go off my minde and my heart returned to its old course but Oh how glad was I that this trouble was gone from me and that the fire was put out Wherefore when I had satâ—sfied nature with my food I shook the Sermon out my mind and to my old customâ— of sports and gaming I returned with great delight 18. But the same day as I was in the midst of a game at Cat and having struck it one blow from the hole just as I was about to strike it the second time a voice did suddenly dart from Heaven into my Soul which said Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to Heaven or have thy sins and go to Hell At this I was put to an exceeding maze wherefore leaving my Cat upon the ground I looked up to Heaven and was as if I had with the eyes of my understanding seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me as being very hotly displeased with me and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other my ungodly practices 19. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind but suddenly this conclusion was fastned on my spirit for the former hint did set my sins again before my face That I had been a great and grievous Sinner and that it was now too too late for me to look after Heaâ—â—n for Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions Then I fell to musing upon this also and while I was thinking on it and fearing lest it should be so I felt my heart sink in despair concluding it was too late and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin for thought I if the case be thus my state is surely miserable miserable if I leave my sins and but miserable if I follow them I can but be damned and if it must be so I had as good be damned for many sins as to be damned for few 20. Thus I stood in the midst of my play before â—ll that then were present but yet I told them â—othing but I say I having made this conclusion â— returned to my spoâ—t again and I well rememâ—er that presently this kind of despair did so possess my Soul that I was perswaded I could never â—ttain to other comfort then what I should get in sin for Heaven was gone already so that on that I must not think wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin still studdying what sin was yet to be committed that I might taste the sweetness of it and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates lest I should die before I had my desire for that I seared greatly In these things I protest before God I lyâ— not neither do I feign this form of speech these were really strongly and with all my heart my desires the good Lord whose mercy is unsearchable forgive me my transgressions 21. And I am very confident that this temptation of the Devil is more usual amongst poor creatures then many are aware of even to over-run theiâ— spirits with a scurvie and seared frame of heart and benumming of conscience
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
the King contrary to the Law Esth. 4.16 I thought also of Benhadad's servants who went with ropes upon their heads to their Enemies for mercy 1 Kin. 20.31 c. the woman of Canaan also that would not be daunted though called dog by Christ Mat. 15.22 c. and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. were great encouragements unto me 206. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love and mercy as I saw after this temptation great sins do draw out great grace and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ when shewed to the Soul appears most high and mighty When Job had passed thorow his captivity he had twice as much as he had before Job 42.10 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of but I would be brief and therefore shall at this time omit them and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend lest they also be made to bear the iron yoak as I. 207. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lords dealings with me of his dealings with me at sundâ—y other seasons and of the temptations I then did meet withall I shall begin vvith vvhat I met vvith vvhen I first did joyn in fellowship vvith the People of God in Bedford After I had propounded to the Church that my desire vvas to vvalk in the Order and Ordinances of Christ vvith them and vvas also admitted by them vvhile I thought of that blessed Ordinance of Christ vvhich vvas his last Supper vvith his Disciples before his death that Scripture Do this in remembrance of me Luk. 22.19 was made a very precious word unto me for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins and as I then felt did as if he plunged me in the vertue of the same But behold I had not been long a partaker at that Ordinance but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein both to blaspheme the Ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts I was forced to bend my self all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies and also to cry to God to bless the Bread and Cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth The reason of this temptation I have thought since was because I did not with that reverence at first approach to partake thereof 208. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year and could never have rest nor ease but at last the Lord came in upon my Soul with that same Scripture by which my Soul was visited before and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed Ordinance and have I trust therein discerned the Lords Body as broken for my sins and that his pâ—ecious Blood had been shed for my transgressions 209. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a Consumption wherefore about the Spring I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man insomuch that I thought I could not live Now began I afresh to give my self up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future and of my Evidences for that blessed world to come For it hath I bless the name of God been my usual course as alwayes so especially in the day of affliction to endeavour to keep my interest in Life to come clear before mine eye 210. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my Soul but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction namely my deadness dulness and coldness in holy Duties my wandrings of heart my wearisomness in all good things my want of love to God his wayes and people with this at the end of all Are these the fruits of Christianity are these the tokens of a blessed man 211. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me for now was I sick in my inward man my Soul was clog'd with guilt now also was all my former experience of Gods goodness to me quite taken out of my mind and hid as if it had never been nor seen Now was my Soul greatly pinched between these two considerations Live I must not Die I dare not now I sunk and fell in my Spiâ—it and was giving up all for lost but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woful state that word of God took hold of my heâ—rt Ye are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus Rom. 3.24 212. Now was I as one awakened out of some trouâ—lesome sleep and dream and listening to this heavenly sentence I was as if I heard it thus expounded to me Sinner thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy Soul but bâ—hold my Son is by me and upon him I look and not on tâ—ree and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him at this I was greatly lightened in my mind and made to understand that God could justifie a Sinner at any time it was but looking upon Christ and imputing of his benefits to us and the work was forthwith done 213. And as I was thus in a muse that Scripture came with great power upon my Spirit Not by works of righteousness that we have done but according to his mercy he saved us c. 2 Tim. 1 9. Tit. 3.5 now was I got on high I saw my self within the arms of Grace and Mercy and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour yet now I câ—ied Let me die now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other World O methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above at this time also I saw more in those words Heirs of God Rom. 8.17 then ever I shall be able to expâ—ess while I live in this world Heirs of God! God himself is the portion of the Saints this I saw and wondered at but cannot tell you what I saw 214. At another time though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life I was also so over-run in my Soul with a senceless heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my Soul to move or stir after grace and life
hath been made upon it 249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts but want saving-Grace they are in the hand of Christ as the Cymbal in the hand of David and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chuâ—ch yet when he hath done all hang them by as lifeless though sounding Cymbals 250. This consideration therefore together with some others were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass is it so much to be a Fiddle hath not the least Creature that hath life more of God in it than these besides I knew 't was Love should never die but these must cease and vanish So I concluded a little Grace a little Love a little of the true Fear of God is better then all these Gifts Yea and I am fully convinced of it that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge can deliver themselves like Angels A brief Account of the Authors Imprisonment 251. HAving made profession of the glorious Gospel of Christ along time and had preached the same about five year I was apprehended at a Meeting of good People in the Countrey amongst whom had they let me alone I should â—â—ve preached that day but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a Justice who after I had offered security for my appearing at the next Sessions yet committed me becâ—use my Sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people 252. At the Sessions after I was indicted for an Upholder and Maintainer of unlawful Assemblies and Conventicles and for not conforming to the National Woâ—ship of the Church of England and after some conference there with the Justices was sentenced to perpetual banishment because I refused to Conform So being again delivered â—p to the Goalers hands I was had home to Prison again and there have lain now above five year and a quarter waiting to see what God will suffer these mâ—n to do with me 253. In which condition I have continued wiâ—h much content thorow Grace but have met with many tuâ—nings and goiâ—gs upon my heart both fâ—om the Lord Satan and my own corruptions by all which glory be to Jesus Christ I have also received among many things much conviction instruction and understanding of which at laâ—ge I shall not here discourse onely give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the Godly to bless God and to pray for me and also to take encouraâ—ement shouâ—d the case be their own Not to fear what man can do unto them 254. I never had in all my life so great an inleâ— into the Word of God as now them Scrâ—ptures that I saw nothing in before are made in this place and state to shine upon me Jesus Christ alâ—o was never more reâ—l and apparent then now here I have seen him and felt him indeed O that word We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables 2 Pet. 1 16. and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave him glory that your faith and hope might be in God 1 Pet. 1.20 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition 255. These three or four Scriptures also have been great refreshment in this condition to me Joh. 14.1 2 3 4. Joh. 16.33 Col. 3.3 4. Heb. 12.22 23 24. So that sometimes when I have been in the favour of them I have been able to laugh at destruction and â—o fear neiâ—her the Horse nor his Rider I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world O the Mount Zion the heavenly Jerusalem the innumerable company of Angels and God the Judge of all and the Spirits of just men made perfect and Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place I have seen that here that I am perswaded I shall never while in this world be able to express I have seen a truth in that Scripture Whom having not seen ye love in whom though now ye see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1.8 256. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every offer of Satan c. as I have found him since I came in hither for look how fears have presented themselves so have supports and encouragements yea when I have started even as it were at nothing else but my shadow yet God as being very tender of me hath not suffered me to be molested but would with one Scripture and another stâ—engthen me against all insomuch that I have often said Were it lawful I could pray for greater trouble for the greater comforts sake Eccles. 7.14 2 Cor. 1.5 257. Before I came to Prison I saw what was a coming and had especially two Considerations wâ—rm upon my heart the first was How to be able to endure should my imprisonment be lonâ— and tedious the second was How to be able to encounter death should that be here my portion For the first of these that Scripture Col. 1.11 was great information to me namely to pray to God to be strengthened with all might according to his glorious power unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned but for not so little as a year together this Sentence of sweet Petition would as it were thrust it self into my mind and perswade me that if ever I would go thorow long-suffering I must have all patience especially if I would endure it joyfully 258. As to the second Consideration that Saying 2 Cor. 1.9 was of great use unto me But we had the sentence of death in our selves that we might not trust in our selves but in God that raiseth the dead by this Scripture I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life even to reckon my Self my Wife my Children my health my enjoyments and all as dead to me my self as dead to them 259. The second was to live upon God that is invisible as Paul said in another place The way not to faint is to look not at the things that are seen but at the things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but the things that are not seen they