the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
in_o his_o family_n upon_o his_o child_n and_o servant_n and_o by_o this_o mean_v this_o daughter_n and_o one_o of_o his_o servant_n be_v bring_v home_o unto_o the_o lord_n and_o which_o i_o mention_v as_o a_o alarm_n to_o the_o saint_n to_o the_o practice_n of_o this_o duty_n which_o seem_v in_o this_o licentious_a age_n to_o be_v so_o great_o neglect_v she_o have_v this_o honour_n to_o enjoy_v the_o endear_a affection_n of_o all_o saint_n that_o converse_v with_o she_o as_o be_v eminent_a in_o these_o grace_n first_o in_o love_n to_o all_o saint_n though_o of_o different_a judgement_n where_o she_o discern_v any_o character_n of_o christ_n image_n her_o heart_n delight_v in_o they_o which_o grace_n shine_v the_o more_o clear_o because_o she_o live_v in_o a_o time_n wherein_o the_o contrary_a evil_n must_v prevail_v again_o she_o be_v eminent_o exemplary_a in_o that_o holy_a art_n of_o the_o improvement_n of_o the_o society_n of_o the_o saint_n by_o serious_a propound_v of_o prepare_a question_n about_o matter_n of_o most_o infinite_a concernment_n with_o such_o wisdom_n in_o search_v out_o the_o deep_a of_o the_o treasure_n god_n have_v lay_v up_o in_o other_o heart_n that_o she_o grow_v abundant_o in_o experimental_a knowledge_n of_o save_a truth_n and_o be_v able_a and_o ready_a to_o communicate_v rich_o unto_o other_o she_o be_v a_o most_o diligent_a christian_a in_o attend_v all_o the_o ordinance_n and_o in_o every_o administration_n do_v hearken_v what_o god_n say_v to_o her_o soul_n and_o as_o her_o soul_n wait_v for_o some_o discovery_n of_o god_n so_o the_o shine_a forth_o of_o god_n in_o his_o counsel_n and_o comfort_n she_o do_v abundant_o enjoy_v she_o be_v a_o careful_a observer_n of_o the_o lord_n day_n and_o find_v such_o profit_n in_o the_o way_n of_o the_o almighty_a that_o his_o day_n be_v her_o delight_n and_o she_o requent_o be_v fill_v in_o her_o soul_n as_o with_o marrow_n and_o fatness_n she_o be_v a_o steady_a christian_a in_o reel_a time_n and_o receive_v nothing_o for_o truth_n but_o what_o she_o will_v often_o weigh_v in_o the_o balance_n or_o the_o sanctuary_n and_o upon_o solid_a ground_n lay_v up_o in_o her_o heart_n or_o put_v forth_o in_o her_o practice_n and_o for_o her_o diligence_n and_o industry_n about_o heavenly_a thing_n she_o so_o far_o abound_v that_o whoever_o have_v the_o sight_n of_o her_o labour_n will_v not_o easy_o conceive_v so_o much_o can_v be_v do_v in_o one_o who_o life_n be_v so_o short_a she_o write_v her_o daily_a meditation_n upon_o the_o holy_a book_n of_o god_n which_o she_o keep_v in_o a_o book_n fair_a write_v she_o contract_v all_o she_o hear_v in_o the_o public_a ministry_n into_o a_o method_n &_o in_o a_o book_n in_o folio_n have_v fair_o transcribe_v some_o part_n of_o that_o work_n which_o will_v have_v contain_v the_o substance_n of_o all_o the_o labour_n of_o the_o minister_n of_o christ_n who_o ministry_n she_o be_v partaker_n of_o and_o in_o another_o have_v write_v all_o the_o attribute_n of_o god_n and_o christ_n that_o she_o can_v find_v in_o scripture_n for_o the_o strengthen_n of_o the_o say_v of_o believer_n the_o truth_n be_v she_o be_v a_o soul_n whole_o dedicate_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o her_o whole_a conversation_n humble_a and_o holy_a and_o tender-hearted_a one_o true_o wean_v from_o this_o world_n weary_a of_o it_o and_o often_o breathe_v out_o holy_a long_n to_o be_v with_o christ_n frequent_o say_v what_o be_v there_o in_o this_o dark_a world_n that_o shall_v cause_v a_o christian_n to_o desire_v to_o continue_v in_o it_o and_o as_o she_o long_v to_o be_v at_o home_n so_o the_o lord_n hasten_v the_o time_n and_o in_o her_o tender_a year_n gather_v she_o to_o himself_o and_o in_o her_o death_n she_o show_v forth_o a_o gracious_a frame_n of_o spirit_n and_o with_o holy_a confidence_n in_o christ_n resign_v herself_o to_o he_o and_o such_o be_v her_o holy_a jealousy_n of_o any_o pride_n or_o hypocrisy_n that_o may_v arise_v by_o discover_v of_o her_o labour_n that_o until_o she_o fall_v asleep_a in_o the_o lord_n her_o writing_n come_v not_o to_o the_o view_n of_o any_o thus_o this_o bless_a soul_n walk_v with_o the_o lord_n and_o these_o thing_n be_v record_v of_o she_o for_o our_o example_n that_o we_o may_v tread_v in_o her_o step_n and_o be_v follower_n of_o she_o as_o he_o she_o follow_v christ_n which_o be_v the_o hearty_a desire_n of_o he_o who_o be_v a_o servant_n of_o christ_n and_o his_o church_n isaac_n knight_n o_o my_o soul_n what_o have_v be_v the_o method_n and_o manner_n of_o the_o lord_n work_v that_o effectual_a work_n of_o he_o upon_o thy_o heart_n which_o thou_o have_v some_o comfortable_a hope_n be_v begin_v by_o he_o and_o shall_v be_v carry_v on_o in_o thy_o soul_n to_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o own_o grace_n set_v they_o down_o as_o the_o lord_n shall_v enable_v thou_o according_a as_o he_o have_v be_v please_v from_o time_n to_o time_n and_o from_o year_n to_o year_n to_o make_v it_o out_o to_o thou_o that_o so_o if_o the_o lord_n please_v it_o may_v stand_v thou_o instead_o in_o a_o evil_a day_n i_o mean_v a_o day_n of_o inward_a or_o outward_a affliction_n and_o the_o lord_n help_v thou_o to_o do_v it_o as_o in_o his_o sight_n who_o be_v the_o searcher_n of_o all_o heart_n and_o know_v better_a than_o thou_o do_v what_o work_v himself_o have_v wrought_v in_o thou_o but_o so_o far_o as_o he_o have_v or_o shall_v please_v to_o enable_v thou_o to_o discern_v it_o in_o thy_o own_o heart_n set_v it_o down_o and_o let_v it_o lie_v upon_o record_n against_o all_o the_o temptation_n of_o satan_n that_o great_a adversary_n of_o thy_o soul_n in_o the_o year_n 1635_o when_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o young_a being_n not_o at_o the_o most_o full_a nine_o year_n old_a the_o lord_n be_v please_v through_o the_o preach_n of_o his_o word_n as_o i_o conceive_v together_o with_o my_o father_n repeat_v and_o far_a press_v it_o home_o upon_o our_o spirit_n to_o begin_v to_o work_v upon_o my_o heart_n and_o to_o give_v in_o some_o kind_n of_o desire_n after_o the_o best_a thing_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v to_o take_v some_o delight_n in_o hear_v the_o word_n but_o most_o of_o all_o in_o read_v to_o myself_o in_o which_o i_o then_o spend_v many_o hour_n if_o not_o whole_a day_n the_o lord_n set_v the_o one_o and_o the_o other_o so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o to_o convince_v i_o both_o of_o my_o sinful_a and_o miserable_a condition_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o continual_a breach_n of_o his_o holy_a law_n and_o grieve_v the_o spirit_n of_o my_o parent_n the_o which_o be_v much_o set_v home_o upon_o i_o by_o read_v mr._n dod_n upon_o the_o commandment_n and_o the_o like_a treatise_n whereupon_o i_o have_v a_o temptation_n to_o curse_v the_o day_n of_o my_o birth_n which_o in_o some_o measure_n i_o consent_v unto_o often_o wish_v that_o i_o have_v never_o be_v bear_v or_o at_o the_o least_o have_v dye_v from_o the_o breast_n as_o i_o see_v some_o of_o my_o brother_n esteem_v their_o condition_n to_o be_v much_o better_a than_o i_o they_o never_o live_v to_o commit_v any_o actual_a sin_n and_o therefore_o as_o i_o then_o think_v shall_v without_o all_o doubt_n go_v to_o heaven_n but_o for_o myself_o i_o do_v real_o think_v and_o fear_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o go_v to_o hell_n then_o be_v put_v out_o to_o board_n for_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n to_o one_o who_o pretend_v much_o skill_n and_o ability_n for_o the_o cure_n of_o some_o weakness_n that_o i_o then_o lay_v under_o which_o be_v a_o very_a profane_a family_n although_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o young_a yet_o be_v so_o contrary_a to_o those_o way_n i_o have_v be_v bring_v up_o in_o to_o come_v now_o to_o hear_v continual_a curse_v and_o swear_v and_o profane_v the_o lord_n day_n and_o be_v force_v to_o be_v in_o their_o company_n not_o dare_v by_o reason_n of_o those_o fear_n i_o then_o lay_v under_o to_o be_v alone_o and_o so_o sometime_o prevail_v with_o once_o or_o twice_o to_o play_v upon_o the_o lord_n day_n i_o think_v myself_o all_o this_o while_n to_o be_v in_o the_o belly_n of_o hell_n be_v thereunto_o condemn_v by_o my_o own_o conscience_n so_o that_o i_o can_v receive_v no_o contentment_n in_o all_o the_o fullness_n of_o those_o outward_a thing_n which_o i_o there_o enjoy_v but_o be_v restless_a until_o i_o get_v home_o again_o be_v yet_o only_o convince_v of_o my_o actual_a evil_n but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n and_o other_o private_a instruction_n go_v along_o with_o it_o to_o convince_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n of_o my_o original_a corruption_n that_o i_o bring_v into_o the_o
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
spirit_n and_o keep_v it_o from_o utter_a despair_n and_o give_v up_o so_o as_o to_o be_v whole_o of_o satan_n mind_n for_o though_o my_o fear_n and_o trouble_n be_v great_a and_o indeed_o unutterable_a yet_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o secret_o support_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o know_v that_o ever_o he_o suffer_v i_o peremptory_o to_o conclude_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o perish_v as_o satan_n continual_o suggest_v to_o i_o though_o i_o still_o fear_v it_o which_o fear_n be_v so_o great_a that_o they_o come_v well_o nigh_o unto_o despair_n which_o notwithstanding_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o though_o in_o a_o poor_a weak_a and_o low_a measure_n yet_o to_o follow_v he_o still_o often_o tell_v he_o that_o if_o i_o do_v perish_v my_o desire_n be_v to_o perish_v come_v towards_o he_o follow_v of_o he_o and_o beg_a mercy_n from_o he_o then_o in_o the_o year_n 1650._o june_n the_o 28_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o lay_v a_o very_a sad_a and_o heavy_a affliction_n upon_o i_o in_o take_v 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the_o first_o lover_n which_o be_v god_n there_o be_v two_o thing_n very_o please_v to_o gracious_a heart_n the_o one_o be_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o god_n in_o his_o rich_a love_n &_o the_o other_o to_o view_v ourselves_o intre_v in_o that_o love_n for_o the_o first_o all_o sight_n of_o god_n be_v glorious_a because_o his_o glory_n pass_v through_o all_o his_o discovery_n but_o no_o sight_n more_o ravish_v then_o that_o of_o his_o love_n and_o no_o love_n like_o his_o distinguish_a love_n with_o which_o he_o love_v his_o people_n whereby_o he_o make_v they_o both_o love_a and_o lovely_a for_o
more_o upon_o i_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v hardly_o be_v able_a to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n in_o his_o administration_n the_o next_o day_n desire_v the_o lord_n to_o direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v and_o submit_v my_o will_n to_o he_o yet_o very_o early_o that_o morning_n i_o have_v many_o reason_n in_o myself_o what_o to_o do_v be_v loath_a to_o distrust_v the_o power_n of_o god_n that_o i_o have_v so_o often_o find_v eminent_o hold_v out_o to_o i_o and_o yet_o unwilling_a to_o tempt_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o i_o in_o any_o extraordinary_a way_n desire_v much_o his_o direction_n at_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o resolve_v to_o go_v notwithstanding_o i_o be_v exceed_v ill_o of_o a_o extraordinary_a cold_a beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o as_o he_o be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o that_o probability_n of_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o he_o once_o more_o that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a opportunity_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o his_o mighty_a power_n and_o spirit_n may_v accompany_v every_o word_n and_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n to_o i_o such_o as_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n for_o and_o also_o to_o mould_v i_o into_o whatever_o truth_n he_o shall_v reveal_v to_o i_o that_o day_n and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o nineteenth_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o glorious_o to_o appear_v through_o his_o word_n administer_v by_o our_o dear_a pastor_n both_o in_o the_o exposition_n of_o the_o end_n of_o the_o 14._o of_o matt._n as_o also_o in_o both_o sermon_n this_o day_n at_o which_o time_n he_o begin_v to_o discourse_v upon_o the_o 45_o psalm_n but_o do_v only_o handle_v the_o title_n of_o it_o this_o day_n from_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o very_o precious_a glorious_a useful_a yea_o seasonable_a instruction_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v earnest_o to_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o cast_v and_o mould_v my_o heart_n into_o yea_o such_o truth_n as_o prove_v a_o answer_n to_o several_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n many_o day_n before_o and_o to_o the_o groan_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n even_o continual_o almost_o to_o wit_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o gather_v my_o heart_n out_o of_o all_o thing_n below_o jesus_n christ_n and_o give_v i_o to_o the_o end_n such_o a_o sight_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n as_o may_v indeed_o take_v my_o heart_n from_o all_o other_o thing_n now_o that_o at_o this_o time_n the_o lord_n shall_v thus_o seasonable_o cast_v his_o thought_n upon_o such_o a_o scripture_n as_o this_o it_o do_v cause_v my_o soul_n to_o admire_v the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o worm_n yea_o whereas_o my_o spirit_n have_v of_o late_o be_v great_o trouble_v about_o my_o foolish_a conversation_n be_v not_o such_o as_o may_v any_o way_n adorn_v the_o gospel_n walk_v very_o unseemly_a in_o all_o my_o relation_n and_o very_o much_o offend_v therein_o with_o my_o tongue_n which_o have_v occasion_v many_o a_o sad_a thought_n upon_o my_o heart_n and_o many_o a_o sigh_n and_o groan_n yea_o tear_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o subdue_v this_o wicked_a iniquity_n in_o i_o and_o now_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n lie_v open_a the_o spring_n the_o root_n the_o cause_n of_o it_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o as_o it_o ought_v upon_o my_o heart_n nor_o my_o heart_n as_o it_o ought_v to_o be_v upon_o jesus_n christ_n nor_o when_o it_o be_v upon_o he_o be_v it_o in_o a_o boil_a frame_n for_o as_o by_o he_o hint_v be_v the_o heart_n boil_v hot_a about_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n the_o tongue_n can_v not_o issue_v out_o such_o vanity_n as_o it_o do_v now_o dear_a lord_n let_v not_o these_o thing_n be_v spread_v before_o i_o in_o vain_a i_o beseech_v thou_o but_o do_v thou_o by_o the_o mighty_a power_n of_o thy_o spirit_n make_v they_o of_o singular_a use_n unto_o i_o the_o 11_o of_o this_o first_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o manifest_v himself_o in_o that_o relation_n of_o a_o husband_n to_o my_o soul_n more_o and_o more_o let_v i_o to_o find_v and_o feel_v what_o it_o be_v experimental_o to_o be_v embrace_v by_o he_o and_o gather_v up_o into_o more_o intimate_a communion_n with_o he_o and_o much_o more_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o next_o morning_n he_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o breath_n out_o in_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o i_o be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o communion_n with_o he_o yet_o beseech_v he_o to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o a_o sight_n of_o himself_o will_v much_o rejoice_v my_o heart_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o have_v often_o appear_v glorious_o in_o this_o kind_n so_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o let_v my_o soul_n find_v once_o again_o by_o experience_n his_o mighty_a power_n to_o break_v out_o through_o what_o ever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v to_o make_v use_n of_o this_o day_n that_o i_o may_v through_o they_o have_v a_o glorious_a sight_n of_o himself_o in_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o appear_v gracious_o through_o mr._n price_n who_o speak_v to_o we_o in_o his_o name_n the_o 12._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month._n upon_o the_o 26._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month_n 1654._o we_o go_v to_o james_n expect_v to_o have_v hear_v mr._n cradock_n but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o we_o hear_v there_o will_v be_v a_o stranger_n at_o which_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o some_o debate_n in_o myself_o i_o begin_v to_o repine_v but_o expect_v the_o lord_n may_v have_v some_o seasonable_a word_n for_o i_o and_o true_o bless_v be_v his_o name_n there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a thing_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n by_o he_o which_o both_o refresh_v &_o stay_v my_o spirit_n the_o next_o day_n at_o night_n be_v the_o 27_o of_o this_o first_o month_n among_o other_o thing_n when_o i_o be_v seek_v of_o the_o lord_n he_o draw_v out_o my_o soul_n with_o some_o measure_n of_o sensibleness_n of_o his_o hand_n upon_o our_o pastor_n what_o a_o sad_a stroke_n it_o will_v be_v if_o the_o lord_n shall_v strip_v we_o of_o he_o take_v he_o from_o we_o oh_o what_o will_v become_v of_o god_n glory_n how_o will_v his_o and_o our_o enemy_n insult_v over_o we_o though_o it_o be_v true_a we_o have_v deserve_v it_o i_o be_o sure_a i_o have_v to_o be_v strip_v of_o this_o mercy_n and_o scatter_v from_o each_o other_o because_o we_o have_v be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a under_o all_o the_o mercy_n mean_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o and_o i_o beg_v to_o sanctify_v his_o hand_n upon_o he_o both_z as_o to_o he_o and_o we_o &_o teach_v we_o all_o to_o improve_v it_o and_o know_v his_o mind_n in_o it_o desire_v the_o lord_n withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o hasten_v and_o accomplish_v his_o work_n through_o this_o dispensation_n and_o in_o his_o own_o time_n to_o command_v health_n and_o deliverance_n to_o we_o and_o give_v in_o this_o mercy_n as_o a_o pledge_n of_o his_o love_n among_o we_o that_o he_o may_v come_v again_o among_o we_o fill_v with_o the_o spirit_n and_o ready_a to_o break_v out_o those_o discovery_n of_o god_n upon_o his_o heart_n and_o that_o we_o also_o may_v be_v fit_v for_o this_o mercy_n and_o make_v more_o ready_a to_o receive_v impression_n from_o god_n through_o he_o then_o former_o and_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n after_o many_o request_n for_o the_o subdue_a of_o corruption_n and_o regulate_v my_o affection_n and_o take_v off_o my_o heart_n from_o all_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o place_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n after_o which_o and_o many_o other_o request_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o desire_n that_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o add_v another_o night_n or_o another_o day_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v together_o with_o it_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o it_o and_o that_o as_o he_o renew_v the_o light_n and_o raise_v from_o sleep_n so_o that_o he_o will_v inlve_v my_o heart_n in_o his_o way_n and_o quicken_v up_o my_o soul_n to_o a_o more_o lively_a service_n of_o he_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o give_v i_o one_o opportunity_n more_o to_o hear_v his_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o to_o come_v in_o through_o whatsoever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v such_o a_o bless_a sight_n of_o he_o
about_o so_o much_o to_o change_v thy_o way_n to_o run_v from_o one_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n to_o another_o thou_o also_o shall_v be_v ashamed_a of_o egypt_n as_o thou_o be_v of_o assyria_n v._n 37._o thou_o shall_v go_v forth_o from_o he_o and_o thy_o hand_n upon_o thy_o head_n in_o a_o posture_n of_o lamentation_n for_o the_o lord_n have_v reject_v thy_o confidence_n thou_o shall_v not_o prosper_v in_o they_o the_o lord_n persuade_v thy_o heart_n full_o of_o these_o truth_n and_o work_v thy_o soul_n to_o a_o frame_n suitable_a thereunto_o the_o 18._o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o this_o afternoon_n be_v somewhat_o burden_a at_o the_o wretched_a out-going_a of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n which_o be_v like_o a_o wild_a thing_n ready_a to_o break_v out_o upon_o every_o occasion_n even_o in_o read_v the_o scripture_n its_o self_n how_o sad_o do_v it_o take_v occasion_n to_o fly_v out_o the_o thought_n whereof_o very_o much_o oppress_v my_o spirit_n whilst_o i_o be_v seek_v the_o lord_n about_o it_o it_o be_v dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v be_v even_o now_o answer_v my_o own_o prayer_n and_o desire_n though_o the_o answer_n of_o they_o seem_v thus_o dreadful_a to_o i_o for_o oh_o how_o often_o have_v i_o former_o beg_v and_o desire_v of_o god_n that_o he_o will_v discover_v my_o own_o heart_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v anatomize_v it_o that_o i_o may_v see_v and_o know_v it_o even_o as_o he_o see_v and_o know_v it_o and_o the_o like_a and_o for_o aught_o i_o know_v this_o sad_a work_n up_o of_o corruption_n may_v even_o be_v to_o give_v i_o a_o sight_n of_o what_o filth_n there_o be_v within_o my_o heart_n yea_o may_v i_o not_o in_o some_o measure_n have_v provoke_v the_o lord_n to_o suffer_v and_o permit_v sin_n to_o work_n in_o i_o by_o so_o vehement_a desire_n oh_o good_a lord_n what_o need_v then_o have_v we_o poor_a creature_n to_o seek_v of_o thou_o to_o teach_v soul_n what_o and_o how_o to_o pray_v for_o true_o we_o know_v not_o what_o to_o pray_v nay_o when_o thou_o come_v in_o answer_n even_o to_o our_o own_o importunate_a desire_n how_o unable_a be_v we_o to_o bear_v the_o answer_n of_o our_o own_o prayer_n oh_o the_o wretchedness_n of_o my_o heart_n be_v it_o not_o pollute_v in_o all_o that_o ever_o it_o do_v and_o say_v be_v not self_o and_o some_o by_o and_o base_a end_n or_o other_o at_o the_o end_n of_o every_o thought_n word_n and_o action_n do_v there_o not_o still_o step_v in_o some_o thing_n of_o self_n yea_o too_o often_o something_o of_o sin_n yea_o when_o in_o company_n i_o speak_v best_a yea_o such_o thing_n as_o other_o seem_v to_o admire_v at_o such_o expression_n and_o experience_n but_o alas_o be_v there_o not_o much_o sin_n in_o it_o be_o i_o able_a to_o do_v to_o live_v or_o practice_v what_o i_o speak_v nay_o be_v there_o not_o most_v a_o end_v some_o base_a end_n either_o in_o the_o speak_n of_o it_o or_o that_o come_v in_o headlong_a after_o it_o oh_o curse_a frame_n of_o spirit_n the_o 20_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o have_v seek_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v breathe_v in_o by_o his_o spirit_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o some_o discovery_n from_o he_o this_o afternoon_n there_o be_v these_o hint_n fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n soon_o after_o that_o i_o have_v be_v very_o remiss_a in_o improve_n those_o precious_a &_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o god_n to_o my_o soul_n through_o our_o dear_a pastor_n that_o so_o near_o concern_v i_o from_o that_o 45._o psalm_n and_o that_o therefore_o the_o lord_n have_v just_o lay_v he_o aside_o for_o a_o time_n even_o while_o he_o be_v enter_v into_o it_o o_o bless_a lord_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o childhood_n vanity_n unregeneracie_n when_o i_o know_v not_o my_o right_a hand_n from_o my_o left_a &_o have_v thou_o be_v with_o i_o ever_o since_o to_o this_o day_n and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o fear_v that_o thou_o shall_v now_o leave_v i_o to_o myself_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o these_o six_o and_o twenty_o year_n and_o suffer_v no_o evil_a to_o overtake_v i_o but_o make_v all_o thing_n to_o work_v together_o for_o my_o good_a and_o shall_v i_o now_o fear_v and_o mistrust_v thy_o love_n have_v thou_o provide_v for_o i_o to_o this_o day_n that_o no_o good_a have_v be_v want_v to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o think_v thou_o will_v withhold_v any_o thing_n thou_o see_v good_a for_o i_o nay_o have_v thou_o not_o withheld_a i_o from_o evil_n that_o will_v have_v hurt_v i_o and_o must_v i_o now_o murmur_n repine_v and_o cry_v out_o of_o thy_o want_n of_o love_n to_o i_o and_o that_o thou_o shall_v bear_v all_o this_o and_o go_v on_o further_o to_o make_v out_o thy_o love_n to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o yet_o distrust_v thou_o have_v thou_o overcome_v death_n and_o hell_n for_o i_o that_o i_o be_o not_o now_o in_o that_o slavish_a fear_n of_o they_o as_o former_o i_o have_v be_v and_o shall_v i_o still_o fear_v that_o thou_o will_v not_o overcome_v my_o corruption_n for_o i_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n the_o 23._o day_n of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o in_o the_o morning_n be_v much_o discourage_v in_o reference_n to_o any_o hope_n of_o god_n appearance_n have_v hear_v but_o slender_a commendation_n of_o he_o that_o be_v to_o speak_v this_o day_n yet_o be_v desirous_a to_o look_v up_o to_o the_o lord_n i_o beseech_v he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v my_o soul_n some_o sight_n of_o himself_o and_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o that_o as_o i_o have_v former_a experience_n from_o he_o that_o the_o instrument_n be_v nothing_o if_o he_o will_v please_v to_o undertake_v the_o work_n &_o therefore_o i_o beseech_v he_o that_o his_o power_n may_v so_o appear_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v a_o sight_n of_o he_o and_o there_o may_v be_v some_o seasonable_a word_n speak_v that_o may_v do_v my_o soul_n good_a and_o true_o i_o must_v needs_o acknowledge_v the_o lord_n be_v please_v gracious_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o manifest_v his_o presence_n exceed_o beyond_o my_o expectation_n this_o day_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n 1654._o be_v to_o take_v a_o portion_n of_o physic_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o it_o may_v accomplish_v his_o will_n and_o pleasure_n upon_o i_o and_o if_o that_o lie_v in_o health_n that_o it_o may_v be_v sanctify_v to_o i_o if_o in_o sickness_n that_o my_o will_n may_v be_v bow_v and_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n the_o 7._o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o myheart_a to_o beg_v of_o he_o among_o other_o request_n that_o he_o will_v pardon_v all_o my_o misspend_a time_n and_o help_v i_o to_o improve_v what_o ever_o time_n he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o more_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o glory_n and_o to_o that_o end_n if_o he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o to_o enjoy_v another_o day_n and_o see_v the_o beginning_n of_o a_o new_a week_n that_o he_o will_v also_o give_v i_o a_o new_a heart_n and_o a_o new_a spirit_n and_o help_v i_o to_o walk_v more_o to_o his_o praise_n improve_n time_n better_o than_o former_o the_o next_o morning_n be_v the_o 8._o of_o this_o three_o month_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o presence_n that_o day_n notwithstanding_o all_o my_o unprofitableness_n and_o unworthiness_n of_o it_o with_o much_o to_o that_o effect_n and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o speak_v many_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o my_o soul_n both_o through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr_n bradshaw_n that_o preach_v that_o day_n at_o fulham_n as_o also_o by_o his_o spirit_n through_o some_o scripture_n then_o hint_v unto_o we_o which_o cause_v my_o soul_n that_o night_n to_o breath_n out_o before_o the_o lord_n desire_v to_o bless_v he_o for_o it_o yet_o lament_v my_o unprofitableness_n under_o such_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o he_o and_o mis-improvement_n of_o they_o lament_v also_o the_o great_a iniquity_n of_o my_o tongue_n beseech_v the_o lord_n now_o to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o to_o keep_v the_o door_n of_o my_o lip_n as_o also_o my_o heart_n the_o 13._o of_o this_o three_o month_n in_o the_o morning_n as_o i_o be_v go_v down_o i_o have_v a_o strong_a repulse_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o speak_v a_o few_o word_n unto_o the_o lord_n before_o i_o go_v down_o at_o which_o time_n my_o heart_n be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o speak_v to_o god_n to_o curse_v and_o blast_v and_o root_v