the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
spirit_n and_o keep_v it_o from_o utter_a despair_n and_o give_v up_o so_o as_o to_o be_v whole_o of_o satan_n mind_n for_o though_o my_o fear_n and_o trouble_n be_v great_a and_o indeed_o unutterable_a yet_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o secret_o support_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o know_v that_o ever_o he_o suffer_v i_o peremptory_o to_o conclude_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o perish_v as_o satan_n continual_o suggest_v to_o i_o though_o i_o still_o fear_v it_o which_o fear_n be_v so_o great_a that_o they_o come_v well_o nigh_o unto_o despair_n which_o notwithstanding_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o though_o in_o a_o poor_a weak_a and_o low_a measure_n yet_o to_o follow_v he_o still_o often_o tell_v he_o that_o if_o i_o do_v perish_v my_o desire_n be_v to_o perish_v come_v towards_o he_o follow_v of_o he_o and_o beg_a mercy_n from_o he_o then_o in_o the_o year_n 1650._o june_n the_o 28_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o lay_v a_o very_a sad_a and_o heavy_a affliction_n upon_o i_o in_o take_v from_o i_o my_o dear_a and_o precious_a father_n who_o be_v the_o chief_a comfort_n of_o my_o natural_a life_n and_o this_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o do_v it_o in_o so_o sad_a and_o so_o sudden_a a_o manner_n which_o make_v it_o take_v the_o deep_a impression_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o indeed_o add_v much_o to_o my_o inward_a as_o well_o as_o my_o outward_a trouble_n be_v also_o accompany_v with_o many_o sad_a temptation_n and_o suggestion_n to_o instance_n in_o one_o to_o two_o it_o be_v strong_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v this_o mere_o in_o just_a judgement_n to_o manifest_v his_o displeasure_n against_o i_o and_o show_v i_o that_o he_o be_v so_o far_o from_o hear_v my_o prayer_n wherein_o i_o do_v often_o much_o beg_v his_o life_n of_o the_o lord_n that_o now_o he_o will_v not_o only_o take_v he_o from_o i_o but_o even_o in_o this_o sad_a severe_a manner_n not_o once_o permit_v he_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o or_o i_o with_o he_o which_o be_v also_o further_o aggravate_v with_o these_o thought_n that_o it_o be_v the_o more_o just_a with_o the_o lord_n thus_o to_o deal_v with_o i_o because_o i_o have_v not_o give_v he_o due_a praise_n for_o such_o a_o mercy_n as_o i_o have_v in_o so_o long_o enjoy_v he_o nor_o yet_o have_v make_v that_o use_n of_o his_o fatherly_a counsel_n and_o advice_n in_o this_o time_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n as_o i_o may_v have_v do_v thus_o be_v toss_v to_o and_o fro_o and_o as_o it_o be_v in_o a_o wilderness_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n to_o think_v what_o the_o lord_n mean_v by_o this_o sad_a dispensation_n or_o will_v have_v i_o take_v notice_n of_o at_o the_o last_o desire_v to_o satisfy_v myself_o that_o it_o be_v a_o affliction_n of_o which_o all_o be_v partaker_n and_o that_o to_o be_v without_o affliction_n be_v not_o a_o condition_n of_o sonship_n and_o also_o consider_v that_o it_o be_v no_o other_o for_o the_o matter_n than_o what_o i_o have_v for_o many_o year_n both_o expect_v and_o fear_v and_o indeed_o a_o wonder_n all_o thing_n be_v right_o weigh_v that_o i_o shall_v enjoy_v he_o so_o long_o as_o through_o mercy_n i_o do_v thus_o after_o some_o time_n of_o stubborn_a rebellion_n against_o god_n in_o not_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o begin_v to_o bethink_v myself_o what_o that_o evil_a may_v be_v in_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v now_o strike_v at_o and_o will_v i_o have_v sensible_a of_o by_o this_o his_o deal_n with_o i_o and_o upon_o examination_n find_v nothing_o wherein_o i_o can_v more_o charge_v myself_o than_o in_o immoderate_a affection_n to_o he_o and_o so_o put_v he_o in_o stead_n of_o god_n i_o do_v at_o last_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n acknowledge_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v show_v i_o more_o and_o more_o what_o his_o mind_n and_o meaning_n be_v in_o this_o so_o heavy_a a_o stroke_n and_o that_o as_o he_o have_v now_o by_o his_o own_o immediate_a hand_n bring_v i_o within_o the_o letter_n of_o the_o promise_n be_v now_o fatherless_a that_o he_o will_v also_o make_v it_o good_a to_o i_o in_o reveal_v himself_o to_o be_v a_o father_n to_o i_o in_o jesus_n christ_n and_o thus_o i_o continue_v sometime_o toss_v to_o and_o fro_o with_o divers_a and_o sundry_a temptation_n have_v none_o to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o in_o this_o my_o distress_n i_o make_v none_o acquaint_v with_o this_o my_o condition_n but_o in_o this_o thing_n whole_o yield_v to_o satan_n to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o have_v no_o ease_n nor_o vent_v for_o my_o spirit_n but_o only_o when_o i_o be_v in_o any_o measure_n enable_v to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n in_o which_o my_o spirit_n be_v also_o oftentimes_o much_o bind_v up_o though_o sometime_o again_o enlarge_v then_o about_o 2_o or_o 3_o month_n after_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o september_n 1650._o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o cast_v my_o mother_n as_o also_o myself_o both_o at_o one_o time_n upon_o our_o bed_n of_o sickness_n visit_v we_o with_o very_o strong_a fever_n which_o be_v towards_o winter_n bring_v we_o very_o low_a which_o meet_v with_o the_o inward_a trouble_n of_o my_o spirit_n lie_v very_o sad_o upon_o i_o at_o which_o time_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o all_o my_o weakness_n i_o be_v bring_v to_o this_o resolution_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n be_v toss_v up_o and_o down_o in_o my_o spirit_n as_o well_o as_o in_o my_o body_n so_o that_o now_o i_o do_v no_o long_o desire_v any_o continuance_n of_o this_o natural_a life_n of_o i_o nor_o yet_o promise_v the_o lord_n any_o amendment_n of_o life_n as_o i_o have_v former_o do_v in_o all_o my_o other_o sickness_n though_o i_o can_v never_o make_v good_a any_o of_o these_o promise_n vow_n or_o covenant_n by_o i_o so_o make_v hereupon_o i_o consider_v though_o with_o much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o have_v find_v by_o sad_a and_o often_o experience_n that_o if_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o so_o long_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o the_o better_a nor_o gain_v any_o more_o assurance_n of_o my_o salvation_n and_o well-being_n therefore_o the_o desire_n of_o life_n be_v now_o whole_o take_v from_o i_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o take_v up_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o from_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n i_o do_v and_o have_v for_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v to_o fear_v and_o serve_v the_o lord_n and_o that_o those_o many_o fail_n which_o accompany_v all_o my_o obedience_n be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o life_n and_o that_o if_o the_o lord_n will_v have_v be_v please_v to_o have_v give_v i_o more_o freedom_n of_o spirit_n and_o set_v my_o soul_n more_o at_o liberty_n to_o have_v walk_v after_o his_o will_n it_o will_v have_v be_v as_o a_o heaven_n upon_o earth_n to_o i_o but_o contrary_o i_o see_v i_o be_v still_o press_v under_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n by_o reason_n of_o which_o i_o do_v nothing_o but_o offend_v night_n and_o day_n and_o that_o the_o long_o i_o live_v i_o do_v but_o aggravate_v my_o sin_n and_o condemnation_n i_o do_v therefore_o desire_v power_n to_o cast_v myself_o and_o the_o whole_a weight_n of_o my_o salvation_n upon_o jesus_n christ_n and_o although_o i_o can_v not_o confident_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v good_a to_o i_o yet_o i_o see_v that_o there_o be_v no_o salvation_n any_o where_o else_o and_o therefore_o do_v desire_n to_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o acknowledge_v that_o i_o deserve_v nothing_o but_o hell_n and_o that_o if_o ever_o he_o bestow_v any_o thing_n else_o upon_o i_o it_o be_v infinite_a unspeakable_a mercy_n thus_o i_o continue_v for_o many_o day_n often_o long_v for_o the_o time_n of_o my_o dissolution_n wherein_o i_o shall_v sin_v and_o dishonour_n god_n no_o more_o which_o both_v myself_o and_o other_o about_o i_o think_v not_o to_o be_v far_o off_o yet_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v after_o some_o few_o weak_n in_o some_o measure_n to_o raise_v up_o my_o weak_a body_n which_o be_v nigh_o unto_o the_o dust_n and_o after_o some_o time_n to_o go_v on_o by_o degree_n perfect_v of_o my_o health_n all_o which_o time_n be_v accompany_v with_o many_o a_o sad_a thought_n my_o trouble_n still_o increase_v as_o fast_o as_o my_o bodily_a health_n at_o the_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o turn_v my_o thought_n upon_o those_o expression_n of_o david_n in_o psal_n 42._o 5_o 11._o wherein_o he_o call_v his_o soul_n to_o account_v say_v why_o be_v thou_o cast_v down_o o_o my_o soul_n and_o
why_o be_v thou_o disquiet_v within_o i_o hope_v thou_o in_o god_n the_o lord_n set_v this_o home_n with_o much_o power_n upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n have_v be_v all_o the_o winter_n deprive_v of_o the_o enjoy_n of_o any_o public_a mean_n the_o lord_n i_o say_v set_v this_o scripture_n so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n i_o begin_v at_o last_o to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o and_o to_o demand_v of_o my_o soul_n the_o reason_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v also_o to_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o view_n of_o some_o sermon_n of_o mr._n marshal_n and_o other_o which_o i_o have_v former_o hear_v some_o expression_n in_o they_o be_v bring_v to_o my_o mind_n wherein_o i_o find_v several_a answer_n to_o many_o thing_n which_o i_o allege_v as_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n i_o be_v also_o by_o the_o lord_n i_o hope_v put_v upon_o a_o review_n of_o that_o little_a book_n call_v the_o marrow_n of_o modern_a divinity_n which_o i_o have_v former_o read_v with_o much_o tremble_a with_o a_o secret_a persuasion_n in_o my_o heart_n that_o those_o be_v real_a truth_n though_o former_o i_o neither_o can_v nor_o dare_v full_o close_a with_o they_o which_o two_o mean_n do_v through_o the_o blessing_n of_o god_n at_o the_o present_a somewhat_o settle_v and_o quiet_v my_o turmoil_v spirit_n then_o in_o the_o begin_n of_o the_o year_n 1651._o go_v into_o the_o country_n and_o stay_n about_o a_o month_n within_o 4_o or_o 5_o mile_n where_o mr._n stevens_n exercise_v have_v hear_v of_o he_o i_o have_v a_o great_a desire_n to_o hear_v he_o which_o also_o i_o do_v 3_o or_o 4_o time_n with_o much_o content_n he_o be_v one_o of_o those_o time_n upon_o gal._n 3._o 8._o the_o scripture_n foresee_v that_o god_n will_v justify_v the_o heathen_a through_o faith_n etc._n etc._n where_o he_o show_v we_o full_o that_o god_n do_v not_o justify_v the_o righteous_a but_o even_a heathen_n ungodly_a man_n which_o word_n add_v somewhat_o to_o my_o comfort_n only_o i_o can_v not_o say_v i_o have_v faith_n and_o this_o stumble_v i_o again_o then_o come_v to_o colechester_n and_o rest_v only_o one_o lord_n day_n there_o i_o hear_v mr._n archer_n who_o by_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n be_v then_o upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o joh._n 16._o 8._o where_o the_o lord_n promise_v to_o send_v the_o spirit_n &_o that_o it_o shall_v convince_v the_o world_n of_o sin_n and_o of_o righteousness_n where_o he_o full_o show_v that_o it_o be_v the_o office_n of_o the_o spirit_n to_o convince_v humble_a sinner_n of_o a_o all-sufficient_a righteousness_n in_o jesus_n christ_n thereupon_o still_o labour_v to_o take_v man_n off_o from_o all_o dependence_n upon_o their_o own_o righteousness_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o they_o or_o do_v by_o they_o which_o i_o now_o find_v i_o have_v be_v very_o guilty_a of_o tell_v we_o also_o that_o all_o those_o duty_n grace_n or_o qualification_n that_o we_o so_o rest_v upon_o be_v not_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n etc._n etc._n therefore_o too_o scant_o and_o narrow_a to_o cover_v any_o soul_n at_o which_o time_n i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o do_v real_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o strike_v the_o first_o and_o great_a blow_n to_o dependence_n on_o my_o own_o act_n although_o i_o have_v yet_o much_o confusion_n and_o trouble_n in_o my_o spirit_n concern_v this_o thing_n be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o the_o understanding_n of_o it_o but_o in_o this_o short_a time_n of_o my_o be_v in_o the_o country_n the_o lord_n have_v in_o some_o measure_n thus_o begin_v as_o it_o be_v to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n i_o be_v strange_o in_o my_o own_o thought_n i_o hope_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n put_v upon_o the_o desire_n of_o communion_n with_o the_o people_n of_o god_n according_a to_o the_o gospel_n and_o so_o upon_o the_o search_n of_o the_o scripture_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n to_o that_o end_n accompany_v with_o the_o experience_n i_o former_o have_v of_o that_o way_n call_v the_o presbytery_n which_o i_o be_v now_o very_a much_o unsatisfied_a in_o which_o dissatisfaction_n be_v at_o the_o present_a only_o ground_v upon_o the_o practice_n of_o they_o who_o walk_v in_o that_o way_n find_v they_o general_o so_o full_a of_o wrath_n bitterness_n clamour_n and_o evil_a speak_v even_o of_o brethren_n which_o i_o conceive_v not_o to_o be_v a_o gospel-frame_n of_o spirit_n compare_v with_o those_o who_o practise_v the_o contrary_n which_o be_v much_o set_v upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o be_v more_o sweet_a humble_a and_o christian_n like_a as_o also_o a_o way_n for_o more_o growth_n and_o establishment_n be_v more_o full_a of_o love_n which_o the_o gospel_n be_v so_o full_a of_o and_o watch_v over_o one_o another_o etc._n etc._n which_o i_o now_o see_v i_o stand_v in_o great_a need_n of_o and_o therefore_o much_o desire_v find_v my_o spirit_n then_o much_o draw_v out_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n direction_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o more_o and_o more_o to_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o in_o what_o way_n of_o worship_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o and_o meet_v with_o and_o enjoy_v most_o of_o he_o as_o also_o when_o and_o where_o i_o may_v so_o join_v beg_v of_o he_o also_o with_o much_o and_o earnest_a desire_n to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o then_o come_v home_o again_o my_o trouble_n renew_v to_o think_v how_o my_o lot_n be_v cast_v in_o such_o a_o place_n where_o i_o have_v little_a society_n that_o i_o can_v reap_v any_o benefit_n from_o and_o under_o his_o ministry_n which_o i_o continual_o find_v very_o unprofitable_a to_o i_o at_o last_o make_v this_o know_v to_o a_o friend_n how_o dissatisfy_v i_o be_v to_o hear_v he_o she_o advise_v i_o to_o go_v hear_v mr._n knight_n which_o according_o i_o do_v about_o midsummer_n 1651._o who_o through_o the_o assistance_n of_o god_n do_v full_o lay_v open_a the_o free_a and_o abundant_a grace_n of_o god_n to_o poor_a creature_n who_o see_v their_o lose_a and_o undo_v condition_n out_o of_o christ_n through_o who_o ministry_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o go_v on_o to_o convince_v i_o yet_o far_o and_o more_o full_o of_o my_o great_a unbeleef_n and_o deafness_n to_o jesus_n christ_n which_o have_v wrought_v so_o many_o sad_a trouble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n be_v convince_v of_o which_o i_o will_v glad_o have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n and_o rely_v upon_o he_o have_v nothing_o to_o say_v against_o it_o but_o only_o my_o own_o wretchedness_n which_o be_v so_o often_o and_o full_o by_o he_o answer_v i_o have_v at_o last_o nothing_o to_o say_v but_o only_o that_o i_o be_v so_o overpower_a with_o unbelief_n that_o though_o i_o will_v have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n glad_o and_o with_o all_o my_o soul_n yet_o i_o neither_o dare_v nor_o can_v do_v it_o as_o i_o then_o think_v then_o have_v hear_v of_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n we_o go_v thither_o towards_o the_o end_n of_o aug._n 1651._o be_v about_o a_o week_n before_o the_o fight_n at_o worcester_n at_o which_o time_n they_o apply_v themselves_o much_o to_o speak_v to_o the_o present_a condition_n of_o the_o nation_n and_o the_o godly_a in_o it_o but_o after_o some_o time_n frequent_v this_o meeting_n and_o find_v much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n from_o it_o about_o a_o month_n or_o two_o at_o the_o most_o after_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o my_o spirit_n exceed_o to_o spread_v my_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o crave_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n in_o that_o meeting_n in_o the_o behalf_n of_o my_o trouble_a soul_n and_o according_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o myself_o i_o write_v a_o paper_n wherein_o i_o do_v acknowledge_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o have_v be_v convince_v of_o my_o wretched_a condition_n i_o do_v thereupon_o labour_n and_o strive_v to_o walk_v more_o close_o with_o the_o lord_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v no_o way_n able_a to_o accomplish_v i_o dare_v not_o believe_v or_o go_v to_o god_n as_o a_o father_n but_o be_v in_o some_o measure_n convince_v that_o i_o be_v all_o this_o while_n out_o of_o the_o way_n not_o be_v yet_o thorough_o convince_v of_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n but_o go_v about_o too_o much_o to_o establish_v my_o own_o righteousness_n i_o do_v then_o desire_v their_o prayer_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v more_o of_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o jesus_n christ_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o enable_v i_o to_o deny_v myself_o and_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o and_o have_v a_o fit_a opportunity_n of_o privacy_n come_v there_o before_o any_o other_o company_n i_o lay_v it_o down_o upon_o the_o table_n and_o it_o
please_v the_o lord_n so_o to_o order_v it_o mr._n knight_n be_v absent_a mr._n barker_n come_v in_o that_o day_n who_o be_v altogether_o unknown_a to_o i_o who_o take_v a_o view_n of_o this_o paper_n among_o other_o do_v mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n both_o in_o the_o entrance_n as_o also_o in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o day_n service_n the_o lord_n put_v into_o his_o heart_n and_o mouth_n a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o be_v then_o speak_v from_o 2_o pet._n 2._o 3_o 4_o 5._o if_o so_o be_v that_o you_o have_v taste_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v gracious_a to_o who_o come_v as_o live_a stone_n dissallow_v indeed_o of_o man_n but_o choose_v of_o god_n and_o precious_a etc._n etc._n from_o which_o scripture_n and_o what_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o he_o at_o that_o time_n to_o communicate_v from_o it_o do_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o direct_v the_o spirit_n of_o those_o that_o carry_v on_o that_o meeting_n to_o treat_v much_o about_o temptation_n from_o which_o there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a useful_a truth_n set_v home_o upon_o my_o heart_n find_v by_o this_o discourse_n that_o scripture_n in_o 1_o cor._n 10._o 13._o plain_o make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o no_o temptation_n have_v take_v i_o but_o such_o as_o i_o now_o see_v be_v common_a to_o other_o that_o i_o dare_v not_o think_v but_o to_o be_v the_o people_n of_o god_n now_o hear_v they_o complain_v of_o the_o same_o thing_n which_o together_o with_o the_o refreshment_n and_o support_a consideration_n under_o each_o of_o these_o which_o be_v hold_v out_o to_o we_o be_v my_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n mighty_o support_v after_o this_o it_o please_v the_o lord_n also_o to_o direct_v they_o in_o this_o meeting_n to_o treat_v about_o that_o great_a grace_n of_o faith_n and_o so_o afterward_o to_o answer_v many_o doubt_n and_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o many_o soul_n from_o all_o which_o be_v too_o large_a here_o to_o relate_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refresh_v be_v in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o service_n put_v again_o upon_o it_o by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n through_o these_o his_o servant_n to_o put_v the_o question_n to_o my_o soul_n at_o every_o turn_n doubt_v whence_o come_v thou_o or_o wherefore_o do_v thou_o doubt_v and_o true_o the_o lord_n have_v speak_v so_o much_o to_o my_o soul_n by_o all_o these_o mean_n and_o instrument_n former_o mention_v that_o the_o strength_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n begin_v so_o to_o scatter_v that_o i_o can_v give_v very_o little_a account_n of_o the_o cause_n or_o ground_n of_o they_o be_v also_o now_o convince_v in_o some_o measure_n that_o i_o do_v by_o these_o doubt_n fear_n jealousy_n and_o hard_a thought_n of_o god_n much_o provoke_v and_o dishonour_v he_o so_o that_o though_o former_o i_o think_v it_o as_o it_o be_v a_o virtue_n in_o i_o to_o be_v doubt_v and_o question_v my_o estate_n i_o come_v now_o in_o some_o measure_n through_o grace_n to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v a_o heinous_a sin_n and_o therefore_o to_o endeavour_v strive_v and_o pray_v and_o do_v all_o i_o can_v against_o they_o yet_o do_v often_o i_o lie_v under_o many_o sad_a apprehension_n arise_v hence_o be_v convince_v by_o the_o word_n in_o read_v in_o one_o of_o mr._n burrows_n book_n that_o there_o be_v no_o worship_n acceptable_a to_o god_n but_o that_o which_o be_v tender_v up_o to_o he_o as_o a_o father_n and_o the_o father_n of_o our_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n now_o i_o not_o find_v myself_o able_a at_o that_o time_n to_o look_v upon_o god_n or_o look_v up_o to_o he_o under_o this_o relation_n of_o a_o father_n only_o look_v upon_o he_o as_o a_o gracious_a merciful_a and_o yet_o withal_o a_o just_a severe_a god_n this_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n put_v i_o upon_o the_o serious_a thought_n of_o that_o scripture_n in_o jer._n 3._o 1_o 4_o 12_o 13_o 14_o 15_o 19_o vers_fw-la which_o at_o that_o time_n take_v much_o upon_o my_o heart_n in_o this_o particular_a have_v no_o power_n to_o gainsay_v the_o duty_n require_v in_o it_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n and_o sometime_o some_o other_o to_o come_v in_o further_o carry_v on_o this_o work_n that_o he_o have_v thus_o begin_v in_o my_o soul_n enable_v i_o daily_o more_o and_o more_o to_o grow_v up_o towards_o a_o more_o full_a assurance_n and_o confident_a roll_v upon_o and_o give_v up_o my_o whole_a soul_n to_o jesus_n christ_n give_v i_o bodily_a to_o see_v more_o and_o more_o my_o own_o emptiness_n &_o nothingness_n &_o the_o conrinual_a need_n i_o stand_v in_o of_o he_o without_o who_o i_o now_o see_v that_o i_o be_v nothing_o have_v nothing_o and_o can_v have_v nothing_o but_o only_a sin_n as_o also_o that_o fullness_n 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condition_n so_o as_o that_o i_o may_v be_v approve_v of_o be_v full_a of_o ebbing_n and_o flow_n sometime_o hope_v a_o little_a and_o sometime_o again_o full_a of_o fear_n thus_o be_v at_o a_o great_a stand_n in_o myself_o not_o know_v what_o to_o do_v but_o often_o seek_v the_o lord_n concern_v it_o who_o be_v please_v at_o last_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o take_v up_o this_o resolution_n that_o through_o his_o grace_n assist_v of_o i_o i_o will_v put_v it_o upon_o the_o trial_n rely_v upon_o he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o make_v out_o what_o himself_o have_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n though_o in_o much_o weakness_n yet_o i_o hope_v in_o truth_n and_o this_o i_o be_v the_o more_o willing_a unto_o that_o scripture_n or_o rule_n of_o the_o apostle_n be_v then_o much_o set_v upon_o the_o heart_n in_o the_o 1_o pet._n 3._o 15._o be_v ready_a always_o to_o give_v a_o answer_n to_o every_o man_n that_o ask_v you_o a_o reason_n of_o the_o hope_n that_o be_v in_o you_o with_o meekness_n and_o 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christ_n heart_n and_o see_v with_o what_o bowel_n of_o affection_n he_o speak_v how_o free_o himself_n offer_v the_o riches_n of_o mercy_n take_v why_o what_o or_o who_o shall_v we_o take_v but_o himself_o possess_v himself_o thus_o he_o stand_v call_v and_o cry_v take_v i_o love_v i_o receive_v i_o eat_v i_o drink_v i_o let_v i_o be_v you_o oh_o high_a love_n he_o do_v not_o bid_v the_o soul_n take_v wrath_n vengeance_n death_n or_o hell_n but_o take_v i_o second_o his_o command_n be_v more_o to_o pleasure_v you_o then_o himself_o why_o shall_v we_o take_v christ_n why_o this_o be_v my_o body_n that_o be_v break_v for_o you_o my_o blood_n that_o be_v shed_v for_o you_o take_v i_o for_o your_o own_o sake_n for_o you_o need_v i_o to_o refresh_v your_o heart_n therefore_o take_v i_o not_o that_o i_o shall_v be_v the_o better_a by_o it_o but_o that_o you_o may_v have_v more_o pleasure_n and_o delight_n in_o i_o that_o may_v do_v you_o all_o good_a oh_o high_a love_n three_o observe_v 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it_o not_o thy_o duty_n to_o believe_v for_o be_v it_o not_o say_v bless_a be_v they_o that_o believe_v though_o thou_o see_v not_o lust_n and_o corruption_n subdue_v by_o the_o eye_n of_o sense_n yet_o o_o my_o soul_n roll_n upon_o the_o covenant_n and_o promise_n by_o faith_n for_o faith_n be_v the_o substance_n of_o thing_n not_o see_v and_o the_o evidence_n of_o thing_n hope_v for_o therefore_o when_o thou_o come_v to_o be_v full_o rid_v of_o this_o body_n of_o death_n than_o faith_n shall_v cease_v and_o be_v of_o no_o use_n but_o now_o be_v the_o time_n to_o act_v faith_n when_o thou_o can_v by_o the_o eye_n of_o sense_n see_v nothing_o but_o thyself_o to_o be_v compass_v in_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n and_o for_o the_o want_n of_o the_o sight_n of_o holiness_n perfect_v in_o the_o fear_n of_o god_n the_o lord_n do_v not_o only_o discover_v that_o his_o will_n lie_v in_o this_o work_n that_o it_o be_v his_o will_n even_o our_o sanctification_n and_o that_o 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answer_v to_o this_o but_o to_o the_o other_o request_n also_o that_o be_v this_o day_n present_v so_o that_o the_o lord_n do_v answer_v they_o both_o even_o as_o i_o do_v at_o once_o present_v they_o both_o bless_v for_o ever_o be_v his_o name_n which_o gracious_a answer_n cause_v my_o soul_n the_o next_o day_n to_o present_v this_o short_a desire_n also_o to_o mr._n knight_n to_o be_v put_v up_o to_o god_n in_o way_n of_o thanks_o say_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v through_o rich_a grace_n and_o mercy_n to_o hear_v and_o answer_v since_o our_o last_o meeting_n desire_v to_o
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before_o the_o lord_n and_o to_o spread_v the_o sad_a condition_n of_o one_o in_o near_a relation_n to_o she_o that_o conceive_v himself_o in_o a_o happy_a condition_n when_o there_o be_v ground_n enough_o to_o fear_v the_o contrary_a she_o desire_v you_o together_o with_o she_o to_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o discover_v it_o to_o he_o that_o so_o he_o may_v have_v no_o rest_n in_o his_o soul_n till_o he_o be_v bring_v home_o and_o build_v upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n that_o only_a foundation_n the_o same_o ten_o of_o this_o six_o month_n 1653._o one_o who_o be_v compass_v with_o such_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n under_o which_o the_o party_n sad_o mourn_v pollute_v all_o that_o ever_o she_o put_v her_o hand_n unto_o therefore_o she_o desire_v your_o earnest_a prayer_n to_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v come_v and_o dwell_v in_o her_o soul_n and_o be_v as_o a_o refiner_n fire_n and_o as_o full_a soap_n to_o cleanse_v she_o and_o to_o burn_v up_o whatsoever_o 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be_v still_o continue_v then_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v in_o some_o measure_n in_o answer_n hereunto_o to_o discover_v those_o thing_n follow_v to_o i_o which_o i_o know_v not_o but_o that_o he_o may_v much_o aim_n at_o as_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n have_v some_o respect_n to_o thy_o want_n of_o pity_n and_o compassion_n to_o one_o in_o misery_n may_v not_o the_o lord_n lie_v his_o hand_n upon_o thou_o though_o not_o in_o that_o kind_n nay_o be_v he_o not_o righteous_a if_o he_o shall_v lay_v the_o same_o stroke_n have_v not_o thou_o deserve_v it_o as_o well_o as_o she_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n do_v it_o to_o call_v thou_o home_o and_o quicken_v thou_o from_o thy_o sloth_n deadness_n &_o dulness_n and_o the_o estrangement_n of_o heart_n that_o be_v so_o fast_o a_o grow_n between_o thy_o soul_n and_o the_o lord_n o_o bless_a father_n say_v my_o soul_n let_v my_o corruption_n be_v wrought_v out_o and_o thy_o poor_a creature_n quicken_v be_v not_o thy_o heart_n and_o affection_n exceed_o run_v out_o from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n oh_o blened_a be_v that_o stroke_n that_o call_v thou_o back_o so_o that_o this_o work_n be_v but_o do_v by_o it_o the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o eight_o month_n be_v much_o oppress_v in_o spirit_n with_o the_o thought_n of_o the_o dishonour_n that_o will_v come_v to_o god_n and_o scandal_n to_o the_o gospel_n by_o the_o sad_a fall_n of_o one_o of_o our_o brethren_n and_o the_o fear_n that_o be_v upon_o my_o heart_n touch_v he_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n this_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o discover_v to_o our_o soul_n in_o general_a and_o to_o my_o soul_n in_o particular_a what_o his_o end_n be_v in_o gather_v this_o poor_a handful_n together_o tell_v he_o i_o hope_v he_o do_v not_o do_v it_o to_o make_v we_o the_o instrument_n of_o his_o dishonour_n to_o the_o world_n and_o withal_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o it_o i_o very_o believe_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n in_o that_o same_o day_n to_o reflect_v back_o upon_o my_o own_o soul_n what_o my_o end_n be_v enjoin_v in_o that_o communion_n and_o as_o i_o be_v press_v the_o lord_n to_o show_v i_o why_o or_o to_o what_o end_n he_o have_v direct_v i_o to_o join_v in_o that_o society_n tell_v he_o withal_o that_o sure_o my_o desire_n be_v to_o attend_v upon_o direction_n in_o it_o and_o that_o if_o any_o other_o thing_n what_o ever_o do_v bias_n my_o spirit_n in_o the_o act_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o discover_v it_o to_o i_o whereupon_o i_o beg_v of_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v help_v i_o to_o examine_v my_o heart_n about_o it_o and_o that_o if_o i_o be_v bias_v by_o any_o wrong_a respect_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v convince_v i_o of_o it_o and_o humble_a my_o soul_n deep_o for_o it_o and_o pardon_v it_o in_o christ_n blood_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n deal_v impartial_o in_o this_o work_n of_o examination_n in_o this_o thing_n and_o spread_v it_o before_o he_o this_o letter_n be_v give_v to_o master_n knight_n what_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n about_o upon_o the_o nine_o of_o this_o month_n 1653._o dear_a sir_n sathan_n have_v often_o beset_v my_o soul_n to_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v it_o from_o a_o present_a participate_v in_o this_o holy_a ordinance_n upon_o several_a pretence_n and_o have_v again_o now_o attempt_v it_o i_o dare_v no_o long_o keep_v his_o counsel_n but_o in_o the_o impart_v of_o it_o i_o crave_v that_o help_n of_o your_o prayer_n at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o disappoint_v he_o in_o all_o his_o vice_n that_o wherein_o he_o seek_v to_o do_v i_o hurt_v
even_o for_o the_o full_a accomplishment_n of_o his_o own_o promise_n who_o have_v say_v sin_n shall_v not_o have_v dominion_n over_o he_o that_o be_v not_o under_o the_o law_n but_o under_o grace_n as_o also_o that_o he_o will_v tread_v down_o satan_n under_o his_o people_n foot_n short_o which_o my_o soul_n desire_v to_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n desire_v to_o bless_v his_o name_n and_o that_o you_o will_v bless_v he_o together_o with_o i_o that_o he_o be_v please_v to_o open_v any_o fountain_n of_o love_n and_o mercy_n in_o this_o vale_n of_o tear_n so_o abundant_o fulfil_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o word_n of_o he_o which_o he_o be_v please_v no_o soon_o to_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n with_o a_o persuasion_n in_o some_o measure_n that_o it_o shall_v be_v make_v good_a roll_v though_o weak_o upon_o he_o for_o it_o but_o that_o he_o be_v please_v so_o to_o do_v indeed_o that_o word_n i_o find_v isai_n 56._o 19_o when_o the_o enemy_n shall_v come_v in_o like_o a_o flood_n the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n shall_v set_v up_o a_o standard_n against_o they_o for_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o bless_v his_o name_n beseech_v he_o that_o those_o impression_n that_o he_o be_v please_v by_o his_o spirit_n through_o several_a word_n of_o he_o to_o make_v upon_o my_o heart_n may_v never_o be_v forget_v by_o i_o but_o that_o they_o may_v continual_o be_v as_o support_v to_o my_o poor_a weak_a faith_n that_o it_o may_v grow_v from_o strength_n to_o strength_n even_o till_o i_o shall_v meet_v my_o god_n bless_v for_o ever_o be_v that_o god_n that_o be_v please_v to_o know_v my_o poor_a soul_n in_o this_o hour_n of_o temptation_n and_o to_o take_v this_o poor_a lame_a soul_n and_o lead_v and_o carry_v it_o of_o be_v not_o able_a to_o go_v one_o step_n in_o any_o of_o his_o way_n without_o his_o hand_n but_o that_o it_o get_v one_o knock_n or_o bruise_v or_o other_o yea_o bless_v for_o ever_o be_v that_o god_n and_o saviour_n that_o will_v not_o suffer_v his_o poor_a creature_n to_o slip_v as_o he_o do_v other_o but_o be_v please_v in_o rich_a mercy_n to_o be_v ever_o awaken_n my_o poor_a drowsy_a spirit_n by_o one_o affliction_n or_o another_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o do_v much_o refresh_v my_o spirit_n and_o seem_v at_o present_a a_o special_a token_n of_o his_o love_n for_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o bless_v he_o and_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v praise_v the_o name_n of_o that_o god_n and_o father_n who_o be_v the_o father_n of_o all_o mercy_n and_o god_n of_o all_o consolation_n for_o true_o i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o be_o persuade_v satan_n have_v not_o now_o be_v let_v loose_a to_o buffet_v i_o thus_o have_v i_o not_o be_v so_o sleepy_a and_o drowsy_a in_o spirit_n but_o bless_v be_v that_o rod_n that_o awake_v my_o poor_a soul_n from_o the_o sleep_n of_o any_o sin_n so_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v but_o please_v to_o work_v it_o out_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v on_o god_n for_o i_o shall_v for_o some_o respect_n have_v forbear_v this_o duty_n of_o praise_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v let_v in_o the_o clear_a sight_n of_o this_o mercy_n as_o also_o lest_o i_o shall_v prove_v ungrateful_a for_o so_o large_a manifestation_n of_o mercy_n though_o all_o i_o can_v do_v in_o it_o be_v a_o mere_a nothing_o the_o great_a be_v the_o goodness_n of_o god_n that_o bow_v down_o to_o accept_v such_o break_a praise_n which_o i_o have_v cause_n even_o to_o lament_v over_o have_v too_o little_a spiritual_a life_n in_o they_o when_o as_o in_o truth_n my_o whole_a soul_n and_o body_n shall_v be_v a_o holy_a and_o lively_a sacrifice_n to_o god_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o do_v to_o that_o god_n whence_o all_o my_o enjoyment_n come_v in_o who_o i_o desire_v to_o rest_v your_o unworthy_a but_o in_o desire_n and_o hope_v real_a friend_n for_o my_o lord_n sake_n finis_fw-la the_o second_o book_n of_o manifold_a experiment_n of_o god_n deal_v with_o my_o soul_n in_o hear_v prayer_n and_o other_o gracious_a income_n of_o love_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o help_v i_o very_o much_o in_o this_o search_n by_o mr._n knight_n who_o speak_v from_o this_o scripture_n at_o fulham_n the_o nine_o of_o this_o nine_o month_n in_o the_o 12_o of_o luke_n 42_o 43._o from_o which_o he_o show_v we_o have_v the_o lord_n set_v out_o the_o blessedness_n of_o that_o servant_n that_o be_v faithful_a in_o the_o work_n that_o his_o lord_n intru_v he_o about_o and_o who_o his_o lord_n when_o he_o come_v find_v to_o be_v so_o do_v as_o he_o appoint_v now_o o_o my_o soul_n what_o comfortable_a hope_n can_v thou_o gather_v out_o from_o the_o serious_a examination_n of_o thy_o own_o heart_n upon_o this_o point_n that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o faithful_a though_o thou_o be_v poor_a weak_a and_o unworthy_a every_o way_n to_o be_v the_o servant_n of_o such_o a_o lord_n what_o can_v thou_o say_v to_o this_o have_v the_o lord_n indeed_o make_v thou_o faithful_a ans_fw-fr 1._o i_o gather_v some_o hope_n of_o it_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n faithful_a from_o that_o sincerity_n that_o the_o lord_n have_v put_v into_o my_o heart_n to_o aim_v pure_o at_o his_o glory_n in_o all_o i_o do_v in_o this_o world_n the_o contrary_a to_o which_o cause_v much_o bitterness_n in_o my_o spirit_n yet_o through_o the_o prevalency_n of_o the_o unregenerate_a part_n in_o i_o i_o be_o many_o time_n bias_v and_o carry_v aside_o to_o aim_v at_o other_o thing_n in_o many_o of_o my_o way_n but_o the_o glory_n of_o my_o lord_n be_v my_o principal_a aim_n for_o if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n through_o mercy_n i_o do_v find_v it_o set_v to_o seek_v the_o honour_n of_o christ_n and_o to_o walk_v in_o way_n well_o please_v to_o he_o though_o i_o do_v too_o often_o sad_o wander_v from_o these_o intent_n and_o desire_n which_o be_v discover_v to_o be_v the_o real_a burden_n of_o my_o life_n 2._o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o put_v into_o my_o soul_n i_o hope_v a_o real_a desire_n te_fw-la do_v his_o whole_a will_n and_o therein_o to_o appear_v faithful_a daily_o desire_v and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o i_o may_v not_o at_o any_o time_n in_o any_o command_n of_o his_o be_v find_v consult_v with_o flesh_n and_o blood_n but_o that_o as_o soon_o as_o ever_o he_o discover_v his_o will_n in_o any_o thing_n whatever_o to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v also_o enable_v i_o to_o obey_v it_o ready_o find_v the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n i_o hope_v oftentimes_o breathe_v in_o my_o soul_n after_o this_o manner_n lord_n if_o thou_o will_v but_o discover_v thy_o mind_n &_o will_n to_o i_o in_o all_o my_o way_n that_o be_v it_o i_o beg_v of_o thou_o and_o though_o it_o be_v never_o so_o contrary_a to_o flesh_n and_o blood_n yea_o though_o i_o can_v see_v nothing_o but_o that_o it_o be_v lay_v out_o for_o to_o afflict_v i_o and_o to_o be_v a_o trial_n and_o exercise_v for_o i_o and_o so_o have_v nothing_o to_o induce_v i_o but_o thy_o will_n yet_o lord_n if_o thou_o will_v but_o discover_v thy_o mind_n in_o it_o to_o i_o what_o will_v i_o then_o beg_v of_o thou_o but_o only_o a_o ready_a frame_n to_o yield_v obedience_n to_o thy_o will_n and_o leave_v the_o success_n &_o sanctify_v of_o it_o to_o i_o to_o thyself_o and_o if_o on_o the_o other_o side_n i_o think_v any_o mercy_n to_o be_v never_o so_o good_a or_o for_o my_o advantage_n yet_o if_o thou_o see_v meet_v to_o discover_v to_o my_o soul_n that_o thy_o will_n be_v not_o in_o it_o will_v i_o not_o then_o if_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n beg_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o have_v my_o will_n to_o be_v whole_o swallow_v up_o into_o thou_o lord_n and_o this_o hope_n be_v ground_v in_o some_o measure_n upon_o the_o abundant_a experience_n the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o of_o his_o goodness_n and_o mercy_n and_o abundant_a kindness_n in_o his_o often_o deny_v i_o of_o my_o will_n 3_o i_o hope_v the_o lord_n have_v in_o some_o measure_n make_v i_o a_o faithful_a servant_n in_o that_o he_o have_v set_v my_o soul_n upon_o the_o watch_n to_o know_v his_o mind_n and_o will_n endeavour_v and_o desire_v to_o keep_v my_o eye_n upon_o he_o and_o he_o only_o that_o i_o may_v see_v what_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n be_v who_o have_v say_v that_o he_o will_v guide_v he_o by_o his_o eye_n which_o cause_v my_o soul_n though_o with_o much_o weakness_n not_o only_o earnest_o to_o desire_v but_o also_o to_o endeavour_v to_o reflect_v upon_o all_o my_o motion_n and_o action_n and_o thought_n and_o word_n in_o this_o
degree_n of_o it_o which_o thou_o see_v through_o mercy_n by_o other_o though_o not_o visible_o to_o they_o thus_o do_v the_o lord_n bring_v a_o good_a issue_n out_o of_o their_o own_o speech_n and_o word_n cause_v thou_o to_o lie_v down_o at_o his_o foot_n expect_v the_o punishment_n of_o thy_o iniquity_n yea_o great_a difficulty_n than_o these_o have_v the_o lord_n carry_v thou_o through_o when_o all_o the_o power_n of_o hell_n and_o thy_o own_o corruption_n have_v combine_v together_o to_o keep_v thou_o from_o duty_n of_o prayer_n meditation_n and_o examination_n and_o the_o like_a and_o yet_o the_o lord_n have_v enable_v thou_o to_o break_v through_o all_o and_o to_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n to_o he_o when_o thou_o be_v even_o in_o thy_o own_o apprehension_n at_o the_o pit_n brink_n and_o yet_o resolve_v to_o cry_v to_o he_o and_o not_o to_o give_v over_o cry_v and_o call_v whilst_o thou_o live_v notwithstanding_o all_o temptation_n to_o the_o contrary_a yea_o the_o more_o strong_a the_o temptation_n be_v the_o more_o speedy_o be_v thou_o fain_o to_o address_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o his_o strength_n and_o power_n to_o assist_v thou_o in_o grapple_v with_o they_o yea_o when_o some_o time_n overcome_v as_o it_o be_v and_o beat_v down_o by_o satan_n and_o enter_v the_o very_a border_n of_o despair_n yet_o even_o thence_o from_o this_o belly_n of_o hell_n in_o which_o thou_o do_v apprehend_v thyself_o already_o enter_v do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o cry_v to_o he_o &_o resolve_v to_o give_v he_o no_o rest_n yea_o when_o thou_o find_v no_o advantage_n or_o profit_n of_o all_o thy_o prayer_n and_o tear_n &_o sigh_n &_o croan_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n seem_v to_o turn_v a_o deaf_a ear_n yet_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o go_v on_o and_o to_o tell_v he_o that_o all_o those_o comfort_n and_o enjoyment_n here_o below_o they_o be_v poor_a mean_a thing_n such_o as_o thou_o can_v not_o take_v for_o thy_o portion_n and_o therefore_o do_v beg_v with_o submission_n to_o his_o will_n that_o if_o he_o have_v no_o other_o for_o thou_o but_o the_o portion_n of_o this_o life_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o deny_v thou_o they_o also_o and_o never_o give_v they_o to_o be_v a_o snare_n but_o rather_o let_v thou_o end_v thy_o day_n in_o some_o desolate_a wilderness_n 3._o faithfulness_n appear_v in_o cheerful_a service_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v thou_o not_o able_a to_o say_v before_o the_o lord_n the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n through_o his_o grace_n that_o so_o much_o faithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o thou_o in_o any_o service_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v thy_o very_a joy_n and_o rejoice_n of_o thy_o heart_n but_o on_o the_o other_o side_n so_o much_o unfaithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o any_o service_n this_o be_v it_o that_o make_v thou_o go_v mourn_v all_o thy_o day_n because_o thou_o be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a 4._o o_o my_o soul_n thy_o faithfulness_n in_o some_o measure_n appear_v in_o that_o thou_o be_v rejoice_v real_o in_o spirit_n when_o any_o opportunity_n be_v put_v into_o thy_o hand_n and_o thy_o heart_n be_v enable_v in_o any_o measure_n to_o improve_v it_o to_o the_o service_n and_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n and_o be_v thou_o not_o on_o the_o contrary_a grieve_v that_o thou_o have_v so_o many_o opportunity_n offer_v before_o thou_o but_o like_o a_o fool_n have_v not_o a_o heart_n to_o improve_v they_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a burden_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o be_v &_o when_o through_o the_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n and_o deceit_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o fool_n away_o many_o rich_a opportunity_n by_o not_o improve_n of_o they_o which_o after_o prove_v a_o sad_a burden_n and_o affliction_n to_o i_o 5._o o_o my_o soul_n do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n to_o thy_o lord_n in_o that_o thy_o endeavour_n do_v come_v still_o beneath_o thy_o desire_n have_v not_o the_o lord_n real_o enable_v thou_o through_o grace_n to_o say_v with_o paul_n the_o good_a that_o i_o will_v do_v i_o do_v not_o but_o o_o that_o i_o can_v do_v it_o that_o i_o can_v serve_v the_o lord_n more_o and_o better_o but_o oh_o how_o low_o do_v i_o live_v and_o how_o poor_o do_v i_o walk_v but_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v come_v to_o prayer_n and_o read_v and_o hear_v and_o meditate_v and_o do_v all_o private_a and_o public_a duty_n and_o walk_v in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n as_o may_v honour_v this_o my_o lord_n be_v not_o these_o the_o continual_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o heart_n before_o the_o lord_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o for_o i_o have_v none_o i_o desire_v to_o appeal_v unto_o but_o to_o thou_o the_o searcher_n of_o my_o heart_n 6._o lord_n do_v not_o some_o faithfulness_n appear_v to_o be_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n by_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o have_v above_o all_o thing_n make_v i_o to_o delight_v in_o that_o work_n that_o no_o eye_n see_v but_o thyself_o thou_o know_v what_o a_o fear_n have_v be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o be_v to_o this_o day_n in_o a_o great_a measure_n to_o appear_v before_o other_o thou_o lord_n know_v how_o many_o year_n this_o fear_n have_v be_v as_o a_o prison_n to_o keep_v in_o the_o working_n of_o my_o heart_n &_o as_o door_n to_o my_o mouth_n to_o keep_v it_o from_o lament_v itself_o not_o so_o much_o as_o in_o one_o word_n in_o the_o hear_n of_o other_o lest_o there_o shall_v any_o pride_n or_o hypocrifie_n act_n in_o it_o yea_o to_o this_o very_a day_n how_o many_o service_n wherein_o perhaps_o thy_o lord_n may_v be_v honour_v be_v thou_o prevent_v and_o dare_v not_o to_o act_v in_o upon_o this_o very_a account_n that_o it_o can_v be_v do_v in_o private_a can_v thou_o not_o say_v before_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n that_o such_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n as_o these_o lest_o other_o shall_v esteem_v thou_o better_o than_o thou_o be_v or_o thy_o own_o spirit_n be_v lift_v up_o before_o the_o lord_n or_o any_o false_a end_n bias_n thou_o in_o it_o that_o such_o thought_n i_o say_v as_o thief_n do_v often_o as_o it_o be_v tie_v up_o thy_o tongue_n sow_v up_o thy_o mouth_n in_o all_o company_n even_o while_o at_o that_o instant_n thy_o heart_n be_v even_o ready_a to_o split_v or_o break_v in_o piece_n for_o want_n of_o vent_n sometime_o apprehend_v that_o those_o discovery_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o to_o make_v to_o thou_o and_o the_o rich_a grace_n he_o be_v please_v to_o manifest_v in_o thou_o in_o overcome_v all_o the_o unkindness_n in_o thou_o ought_v not_o to_o be_v put_v unnder_v a_o bushel_n but_o hold_v out_o to_o other_o and_o yet_o not_o dare_v to_o do_v it_o find_v my_o wretched_a heart_n so_o prone_a to_o be_v lift_v up_o upon_o all_o such_o occasion_n and_o so_o dishonour_n god_n that_o way_n and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o myself_o also_o and_o through_o both_o these_o fear_v my_o soul_n often_o walk_v sad_o before_o the_o lord_n fear_v to_o offend_v he_o and_o not_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v it_o whether_o way_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o have_v make_v trial_n of_o both_o sometime_o silent_a and_o sometime_o speak_v and_o find_v the_o wickedness_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v sad_o in_o both_o i_o know_v not_o sometime_o which_o be_v best_a the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n manifest_a and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o o_o my_o soul_n thus_o may_v it_o probable_o and_o hopeful_o appear_v to_o thou_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o in_o some_o measure_n his_o faithful_a servant_n 1._o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o some_o hope_n that_o i_o trust_v i_o have_v no_o other_o master_n that_o i_o willing_o call_v rabbi_n or_o willing_o serve_v but_o my_o lord_n jesus_n nor_o have_v i_o any_o other_o work_n that_o i_o do_v upon_o which_o my_o heart_n be_v delightful_o set_v upon_o but_o only_o my_o lord_n work_v and_o this_o appear_v far_a to_o i_o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v i_o hope_v in_o some_o measure_n wrought_v my_o heart_n to_o this_o frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o serve_v my_o lord_n christ_n in_o all_o the_o relation_n he_o have_v set_v i_o in_o in_o this_o world_n and_o to_o that_o end_n every_o fail_n in_o any_o of_o they_o either_o as_o a_o child_n or_o friend_n or_o any_o relation_n though_o i_o too_o sad_o fail_v in_o they_o all_o this_o be_v that_o which_o if_o my_o heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o above_o all_o thing_n break_v my_o heart_n to_o think_v that_o hereby_o i_o do_v dishonour_n my_o lord_n jesus_n and_o that_o profession_n of_o be_v his_o servant_n it_o be_v not_o
more_o upon_o i_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v hardly_o be_v able_a to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n in_o his_o administration_n the_o next_o day_n desire_v the_o lord_n to_o direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v and_o submit_v my_o will_n to_o he_o yet_o very_o early_o that_o morning_n i_o have_v many_o reason_n in_o myself_o what_o to_o do_v be_v loath_a to_o distrust_v the_o power_n of_o god_n that_o i_o have_v so_o often_o find_v eminent_o hold_v out_o to_o i_o and_o yet_o unwilling_a to_o tempt_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o i_o in_o any_o extraordinary_a way_n desire_v much_o his_o direction_n at_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o resolve_v to_o go_v notwithstanding_o i_o be_v exceed_v ill_o of_o a_o extraordinary_a cold_a beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o as_o he_o be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o that_o probability_n of_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o he_o once_o more_o that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a opportunity_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o his_o mighty_a power_n and_o spirit_n may_v accompany_v every_o word_n and_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n to_o i_o such_o as_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n for_o and_o also_o to_o mould_v i_o into_o whatever_o truth_n he_o shall_v reveal_v to_o i_o that_o day_n and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o nineteenth_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o glorious_o to_o appear_v through_o his_o word_n administer_v by_o our_o dear_a pastor_n both_o in_o the_o exposition_n of_o the_o end_n of_o the_o 14._o of_o matt._n as_o also_o in_o both_o sermon_n this_o day_n at_o which_o time_n he_o begin_v to_o discourse_v upon_o the_o 45_o psalm_n but_o do_v only_o handle_v the_o title_n of_o it_o this_o day_n from_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o very_o precious_a glorious_a useful_a yea_o seasonable_a instruction_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v earnest_o to_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o cast_v and_o mould_v my_o heart_n into_o yea_o such_o truth_n as_o prove_v a_o answer_n to_o several_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n many_o day_n before_o and_o to_o the_o groan_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n even_o continual_o almost_o to_o wit_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o gather_v my_o heart_n out_o of_o all_o thing_n below_o jesus_n christ_n and_o give_v i_o to_o the_o end_n such_o a_o sight_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n as_o may_v indeed_o take_v my_o heart_n from_o all_o other_o thing_n now_o that_o at_o this_o time_n the_o lord_n shall_v thus_o seasonable_o cast_v his_o thought_n upon_o such_o a_o scripture_n as_o this_o it_o do_v cause_v my_o soul_n to_o admire_v the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o worm_n yea_o whereas_o my_o spirit_n have_v of_o late_o be_v great_o trouble_v about_o my_o foolish_a conversation_n be_v not_o such_o as_o may_v any_o way_n adorn_v the_o gospel_n walk_v very_o unseemly_a in_o all_o my_o relation_n and_o very_o much_o offend_v therein_o with_o my_o tongue_n which_o have_v occasion_v many_o a_o sad_a thought_n upon_o my_o heart_n and_o many_o a_o sigh_n and_o groan_n yea_o tear_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o subdue_v this_o wicked_a iniquity_n in_o i_o and_o now_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n lie_v open_a the_o spring_n the_o root_n the_o cause_n of_o it_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o as_o it_o ought_v upon_o my_o heart_n nor_o my_o heart_n as_o it_o ought_v to_o be_v upon_o jesus_n christ_n nor_o when_o it_o be_v upon_o he_o be_v it_o in_o a_o boil_a frame_n for_o as_o by_o he_o hint_v be_v the_o heart_n boil_v hot_a about_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n the_o tongue_n can_v not_o issue_v out_o such_o vanity_n as_o it_o do_v now_o dear_a lord_n let_v not_o these_o thing_n be_v spread_v before_o i_o in_o vain_a i_o beseech_v thou_o but_o do_v thou_o by_o the_o mighty_a power_n of_o thy_o spirit_n make_v they_o of_o singular_a use_n unto_o i_o the_o 11_o of_o this_o first_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o manifest_v himself_o in_o that_o relation_n of_o a_o husband_n to_o my_o soul_n more_o and_o more_o let_v i_o to_o find_v and_o feel_v what_o it_o be_v experimental_o to_o be_v embrace_v by_o he_o and_o gather_v up_o into_o more_o intimate_a communion_n with_o he_o and_o much_o more_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o next_o morning_n he_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o breath_n out_o in_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o i_o be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o communion_n with_o he_o yet_o beseech_v he_o to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o a_o sight_n of_o himself_o will_v much_o rejoice_v my_o heart_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o have_v often_o appear_v glorious_o in_o this_o kind_n so_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o let_v my_o soul_n find_v once_o again_o by_o experience_n his_o mighty_a power_n to_o break_v out_o through_o what_o ever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v to_o make_v use_n of_o this_o day_n that_o i_o may_v through_o they_o have_v a_o glorious_a sight_n of_o himself_o in_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o appear_v gracious_o through_o mr._n price_n who_o speak_v to_o we_o in_o his_o name_n the_o 12._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month._n upon_o the_o 26._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month_n 1654._o we_o go_v to_o james_n expect_v to_o have_v hear_v mr._n cradock_n but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o we_o hear_v there_o will_v be_v a_o stranger_n at_o which_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o some_o debate_n in_o myself_o i_o begin_v to_o repine_v but_o expect_v the_o lord_n may_v have_v some_o seasonable_a word_n for_o i_o and_o true_o bless_v be_v his_o name_n there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a thing_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n by_o he_o which_o both_o refresh_v &_o stay_v my_o spirit_n the_o next_o day_n at_o night_n be_v the_o 27_o of_o this_o first_o month_n among_o other_o thing_n when_o i_o be_v seek_v of_o the_o lord_n he_o draw_v out_o my_o soul_n with_o some_o measure_n of_o sensibleness_n of_o his_o hand_n upon_o our_o pastor_n what_o a_o sad_a stroke_n it_o will_v be_v if_o the_o lord_n shall_v strip_v we_o of_o he_o take_v he_o from_o we_o oh_o what_o will_v become_v of_o god_n glory_n how_o will_v his_o and_o our_o enemy_n insult_v over_o we_o though_o it_o be_v true_a we_o have_v deserve_v it_o i_o be_o sure_a i_o have_v to_o be_v strip_v of_o this_o mercy_n and_o scatter_v from_o each_o other_o because_o we_o have_v be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a under_o all_o the_o mercy_n mean_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o and_o i_o beg_v to_o sanctify_v his_o hand_n upon_o he_o both_z as_o to_o he_o and_o we_o &_o teach_v we_o all_o to_o improve_v it_o and_o know_v his_o mind_n in_o it_o desire_v the_o lord_n withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o hasten_v and_o accomplish_v his_o work_n through_o this_o dispensation_n and_o in_o his_o own_o time_n to_o command_v health_n and_o deliverance_n to_o we_o and_o give_v in_o this_o mercy_n as_o a_o pledge_n of_o his_o love_n among_o we_o that_o he_o may_v come_v again_o among_o we_o fill_v with_o the_o spirit_n and_o ready_a to_o break_v out_o those_o discovery_n of_o god_n upon_o his_o heart_n and_o that_o we_o also_o may_v be_v fit_v for_o this_o mercy_n and_o make_v more_o ready_a to_o receive_v impression_n from_o god_n through_o he_o then_o former_o and_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n after_o many_o request_n for_o the_o subdue_a of_o corruption_n and_o regulate_v my_o affection_n and_o take_v off_o my_o heart_n from_o all_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o place_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n after_o which_o and_o many_o other_o request_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o desire_n that_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o add_v another_o night_n or_o another_o day_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v together_o with_o it_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o it_o and_o that_o as_o he_o renew_v the_o light_n and_o raise_v from_o sleep_n so_o that_o he_o will_v inlve_v my_o heart_n in_o his_o way_n and_o quicken_v up_o my_o soul_n to_o a_o more_o lively_a service_n of_o he_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o give_v i_o one_o opportunity_n more_o to_o hear_v his_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o to_o come_v in_o through_o whatsoever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v such_o a_o bless_a sight_n of_o he_o
of_o god_n behind_o i_o after_o my_o departure_n hence_o he_o have_v so_o often_o make_v it_o appear_v that_o he_o be_v a_o god_n good_a unto_o the_o unthankeful_a disobedient_a and_o rebellious_a this_o begin_v with_o the_o 8_o month_n 1654._o the_o 27._o of_o this_o month_n there_o be_v a_o great_a desire_n in_o several_a of_o we_o to_o have_v some_o church_n meet_v set_v up_o among_o we_o which_o have_v be_v long_o delay_v my_o mother_n and_o myself_o have_v often_o very_o much_o press_v it_o at_o last_o i_o even_o resolve_v to_o urge_v it_o no_o more_o imagine_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v no_o purpose_n that_o it_o shall_v be_v and_o rather_o fear_v least_o there_o shall_v be_v any_o by-end_n in_o my_o own_o heart_n in_o this_o my_o desire_v of_o it_o then_o do_v our_o brother_n orpen_n and_o our_o brother_n mâ—rly_o again_o renew_v the_o motion_n and_o speak_v of_o it_o to_o we_o &_o afterward_o go_v from_o we_o to_o mr_n knight_n yet_o be_v still_o by_o one_o mean_n or_o other_o keep_v off_o there_o fall_v much_o discouragement_n upon_o many_o of_o our_o heart_n about_o it_o notwithstanding_o at_o last_o there_o be_v a_o day_n appoint_v to_o meet_v and_o to_o consult_v far_o about_o the_o settle_n of_o it_o which_o meeting_n be_v also_o sad_o frustrate_v by_o a_o mistake_n of_o the_o day_n and_o so_o no_o meeting_n but_z after_o some_o time_n there_o be_v another_o day_n appoint_v by_o joynt-consent_n to_o begin_v the_o meeting_n yet_o somewhat_o discountenance_v by_o one_o of_o our_o brethren_n say_v it_o be_v winter_n time_n and_o many_o other_o employment_n will_v not_o permit_v they_o to_o enjoy_v it_o yet_o there_o be_v a_o time_n set_v but_o the_o very_a day_n before_o mr_n knight_n tell_v we_o that_o he_o can_v not_o be_v at_o the_o meeting_n the_o next_o day_n which_o be_v a_o other_o sad_a discouragement_n however_o they_o that_o be_v present_a agree_v to_o meet_v to_o seek_v the_o lord_n together_o whereupon_o the_o next_o morning_n be_v the_o day_n 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thy_o short_a desire_n give_v in_o large_a answer_n together_o with_o seasonable_a refreshment_n to_o my_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n from_o the_o word_n that_o our_o brother_n mor_o speak_v out_o of_o the_o 40._o psal_n but_o i_o be_o poor_a and_o weak_a yet_o the_o lord_n think_v on_o i_o which_o poverty_n arise_v from_o the_o sense_n of_o sin_n and_o corruption_n yet_o the_o lord_n think_v on_o i_o whereupon_o he_o put_v we_o upon_o this_o thought_n what_o if_o all_o other_o slight_a and_o disregard_n a_o poor_a soul_n if_o the_o lord_n think_v upon_o it_o be_v it_o not_o better_a to_o be_v in_o the_o thought_n of_o god_n then_o of_o the_o great_a in_o the_o world_n together_o with_o many_o other_o precious_a and_o seasonable_a hint_n to_o my_o soul_n the_o 8._o of_o this_o 9_o month_n o_o my_o soul_n how_o unexpected_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o prevent_v thou_o with_o his_o love_a kindness_n and_o grace_n thou_o have_v be_v very_o ill_a all_o night_n with_o a_o extreme_a cold_a not_o think_v i_o shall_v be_v able_a to_o go_v in_o the_o morning_n to_o fulham_n yet_o at_o last_o overcome_v with_o desire_n to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o cast_v and_o roll_n myself_o upon_o he_o and_o how_o glorious_o do_v he_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o what_o a_o seasonable_a word_n be_v hint_v out_o this_o day_n to_o i_o by_o our_o dear_a brother_n the_o 25_o of_o this_o month_n at_o evening_n as_o also_o the_o 26._o day_n in_o the_o morning_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n find_v my_o heart_n exceed_v dead_a and_o dull_a and_o altogether_o unfit_a to_o meet_v the_o lord_n as_o also_o great_o oppress_v at_o the_o sight_n of_o the_o prevalencie_n of_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n over_o i_o almost_o continual_o which_o occasion_v my_o soul_n to_o pour_v out_o its_o self_n great_o before_o the_o lord_n in_o sundry_a &_o various_a petition_n relate_v to_o my_o present_a condition_n as_o also_o great_o beg_v his_o presence_n both_o in_o the_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o and_o in_o fit_v some_o bless_a word_n wherein_o he_o may_v meet_v my_o poor_a soul_n with_o many_o request_n to_o this_o purpose_n too_o large_a to_o relate_v and_o both_o touch_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o also_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o speak_v that_o day_n and_o behold_v how_o glorious_o o_o my_o soul_n do_v the_o lord_n appear_v through_o his_o servant_n our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o speak_v from_o the_o 45._o psal_n thy_o throne_n o_o god_n be_v for_o ever_o and_o ever_o the_o sceptre_n of_o thy_o kingdom_n be_v a_o right_a sceptre_n where_o he_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n sceptre_n by_o which_o he_o rule_v and_o order_n all_o his_o affair_n in_o the_o world_n and_o in_o his_o church_n be_v a_o right_a sceptre_n and_o that_o all_o his_o administration_n be_v manage_v by_o a_o right_n straight_a line_n for_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o father_n and_o the_o good_a of_o his_o poor_a creature_n and_o that_o how_o ever_o through_o the_o darkness_n of_o our_o heart_n and_o our_o unpeliefe_n we_o can_v not_o see_v the_o straightness_n of_o all_o christ_n administration_n yet_o that_o they_o be_v so_o however_o for_o god_n the_o father_n who_o best_o know_v they_o say_v so_o of_o they_o show_v we_o also_o that_o however_o saint_n be_v apt_a to_o think_v that_o there_o be_v none_o in_o such_o a_o sad_a condition_n as_o they_o so_o tempt_v and_o so_o overcome_v by_o corruption_n and_o vain_a thought_n and_o the_o like_a and_o if_o christ_n do_v indeed_o reign_v in_o they_o and_o over_o they_o and_o his_o sceptre_n thus_o right_o why_o be_v it_o then_o thus_o with_o they_o in_o answer_v to_o which_o he_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n sceptre_n be_v right_o still_o because_o his_o design_n be_v through_o all_o this_o to_o raise_v up_o his_o own_o and_o his_o father_n glory_n as_o his_o skill_n appear_v most_o that_o make_v a_o glorious_a piece_n out_o of_o a_o crooked_a thing_n so_o christ_n have_v some_o eminence_n of_o glory_n by_o work_v through_o all_o our_o affliction_n and_o temptation_n to_o magnify_v his_o grace_n and_o mercy_n towards_o such_o as_o we_o be_v yea_o to_o do_v we_o good_a through_o all_o now_o dear_a father_n have_v not_o thy_o rich_a grace_n shine_v glorious_o in_o this_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o poor_a worthless_a wretch_n as_o i_o be_o this_o day_n also_o do_v the_o lord_n call_v we_o see_v his_o throne_n and_o kingdom_n be_v for_o ever_o and_o ever_o to_o look_v after_o everlasting_a thing_n a_o secret_a check_n to_o my_o soul_n in_o it_o so_o eager_o pursue_v after_o fade_a die_a thing_n yea_o if_o christ_n kingdom_n be_v everlasting_a so_o also_o be_v
hypocrite_n or_o afraid_a to_o hear_v what_o conscience_n say_v oh_o how_o sweet_o be_v this_o truth_n improve_v this_o day_n by_o application_n as_o first_o to_o teach_v we_o to_o admire_v the_o goodness_n of_o god_n in_o place_v such_o a_o witness_n in_o every_o man_n bosom_n yea_o how_o good_a it_o be_v for_o the_o saint_n that_o this_o be_v set_v up_o in_o wicked_a man_n for_o some_o time_n there_o be_v action_n do_v by_o wicked_a man_n against_o god_n people_n that_o there_o be_v no_o winess_n but_o their_o own_o conscience_n which_o testify_v against_o they_o of_o all_o their_o hard_a speech_n and_o thought_n and_o word_n and_o the_o like_a yea_o how_o good_a be_v it_o for_o the_o saint_n also_o in_o this_o for_o have_v they_o not_o this_o witness_n in_o themselves_o how_o bitter_a will_v the_o reproach_n of_o the_o world_n be_v to_o they_o we_o be_v exhort_v to_o take_v heed_n how_o we_o walk_v towards_o conscience_n it_o be_v by_o god_n set_v as_o a_o watch_n over_o we_o oh_o than_o take_v heed_n that_o we_o withdraw_v not_o from_o it_o nay_o it_o be_v true_a it_o will_v follow_v you_o but_o labour_n to_o keep_v it_o in_o your_o sight_n and_o when_o you_o be_v to_o do_v any_o civil_a or_o religious_a work_n call_v it_o in_o and_o say_v conscience_n what_o say_v thou_o to_o this_o or_o that_o action_n be_v it_o according_a to_o the_o will_n and_o mind_n of_o god_n and_o give_v it_o leave_v to_o speak_v out_o yea_o and_o give_v time_n also_o for_o oftentimes_o the_o affair_n of_o the_o world_n hinder_v that_o conscience_n have_v not_o time_n to_o speak_v its_o mind_n 2_o to_o take_v heed_n we_o grieve_v it_o not_o for_o its_o complaint_n will_v be_v hear_v in_o heaven_n therefore_o take_v heed_n of_o do_v any_o thing_n against_o conscience_n 3._o awe_o it_o as_o a_o judge_n and_o be_v content_a to_o be_v judge_v by_o it_o in_o all_o you_o do_v for_o it_o will_v be_v your_o judge_n another_o day_n and_o will_v be_v a_o immortal_a witness_n either_o in_o point_n of_o comfort_n or_o terror_n oh_o therefore_o awe_v it_o 1._o do_v you_o take_v of_o heed_n of_o slight_a conscience_n or_o its_o testimony_n for_o therein_o you_o commit_v great_a injury_n to_o god_n it_o be_v his_o ambassador_n and_o by_o he_o set_v in_o you_o 2._o it_o be_v great_a folly_n also_o to_o stop_v its_o mouth_n for_o 1._o all_o your_o hinder_v it_o or_o endeavour_v to_o do_v so_o will_v but_o prove_v a_o aggravation_n of_o its_o witness_n another_o day_n against_o you_o than_o it_o will_v tell_v you_o that_o it_o will_v have_v speak_v plain_o to_o you_o such_o and_o such_o a_o time_n but_o you_o will_v not_o hear_v you_o be_v so_o busy_a in_o the_o world_n or_o the_o like_a the_o reason_n why_o saint_n do_v no_o more_o rejoice_v be_v because_o they_o walk_v no_o more_o in_o the_o testimony_n of_o their_o own_o conscience_n we_o be_v also_o exhort_v in_o the_o conclusion_n to_o be_v very_o tender_a of_o do_v any_o thing_n without_o a_o solemn_a court_n of_o conscience_n rashness_n be_v the_o worst_a evil_n conscience_n be_v god_n witness_n let_v it_o be_v you_o give_v it_o full_a liberty_n therefore_o to_o speak_v and_o say_v all_o it_o can_v ask_v it_o again_o and_o again_o what_o it_o say_v to_o this_o and_o that_o action_n and_o may_v be_v it_o will_v give_v thou_o that_o testimony_n that_o through_o rashness_n and_o hastiness_n it_o have_v not_o time_n to_o speak_v or_o thou_o to_o hear_v it_o oh_o what_o sensible_a hint_n be_v these_o to_o my_o poor_a soul_n if_o the_o lord_n will_v but_o please_v to_o bless_v they_o effectual_o to_o i_o and_o help_v i_o to_o put_v they_o in_o practice_n daily_a the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o call_v our_o brother_n Ê‹ilet_n ont_fw-fr of_o this_o world_n i_o hear_v that_o he_o be_v to_o be_v bury_v at_o fulham_n this_o afternoon_n and_o our_o pastor_n to_o preach_v which_o occasion_v i_o great_o to_o desire_v to_o hear_v he_o which_o also_o i_o do_v though_o it_o be_v exceed_v late_o at_o which_o time_n he_o speak_v from_o 1_o joh._n 3._o 2._o now_o be_v we_o the_o son_n of_o â—od_a but_o it_o do_v not_o yet_o appear_v what_o we_o shall_v be_v etc._n etc._n from_o which_o there_o be_v most_o seasonable_a bless_a truth_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n that_o which_o he_o press_v be_v that_o what_o the_o saint_n shall_v be_v it_o do_v not_o appear_v then_o he_o show_v it_o do_v not_o appear_v first_o to_o the_o saint_n themselves_o 1._o because_o of_o the_o little_a light_n the_o saint_n have_v of_o this_o glory_n nay_o if_o god_n shall_v reveal_v more_o they_o can_v not_o bear_v it_o in_o this_o state_n 2._o in_o regard_n of_o our_o not_z improvement_n of_o the_o discovery_n make_v of_o our_o future_a estate_n 3._o because_o their_o present_a estate_n be_v compass_v with_o sin_n and_o affliction_n both_o which_o do_v obstruct_v the_o sight_n of_o this_o glory_n but_o more_o particular_o the_o reason_n why_o it_o do_v not_o appear_v he_o show_v be_v these_o 1._o from_o the_o 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the_o sight_n of_o this_o glory_n 5._o god_n himself_o be_v please_v sometime_o to_o exercise_v his_o saint_n not_o only_o under_o darkness_n in_o the_o sight_n of_o their_o future_a estate_n but_o also_o of_o their_o present_a estate_n and_o so_o they_o walk_v in_o the_o dark_a and_o this_o god_n do_v for_o high_a and_o holy_a end_n and_o give_v great_a instruction_n through_o it_o no_o his_o saint_n to_o look_v up_o to_o he_o for_o life_n and_o wait_v on_o he_o for_o the_o manifestation_n of_o his_o love_n and_o their_o future_a estate_n and_o to_o make_v they_o see_v that_o it_o flow_v from_o nothing_o in_o they_o but_o from_o he_o only_o eternal_a life_n be_v not_o only_o the_o gift_n of_o god_n but_o even_o the_o light_n whereby_o we_o see_v it_o 2._o this_o glory_n appear_v not_o to_o the_o world_n also_o and_o that_o 1._o because_o the_o world_n see_v only_o the_o outside_n of_o a_o godly_a man_n his_o shell_n but_o they_o see_v not_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o inside_n they_o see_v their_o poverty_n and_o contempt_n and_o reproach_n etc._n etc._n but_o they_o see_v not_o the_o glorious_a work_n of_o god_n on_o their_o soul_n or_o operation_n of_o his_o spirit_n in_o they_o 2_o it_o appear_v not_o to_o the_o world_n because_o the_o saint_n have_v their_o cloud_n upon_o they_o the_o best_a have_v their_o infirmity_n and_o these_o the_o world_n look_v most_o upon_o wicked_a man_n be_v blind_a and_o can_v see_v for_o spiritual_a thing_n must_v be_v spiritual_o discern_v because_o many_o time_n there_o be_v difference_n among_o the_o saint_n themselves_o and_o this_o darken_v their_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n who_o see_v they_o dispute_v about_o religion_n and_o the_o like_a the_o world_n judge_v of_o their_o future_a estate_n by_o their_o present_a condition_n if_o man_n flourish_v here_o than_o they_o judge_v well_o of_o they_o if_o they_o lie_v under_o trouble_n they_o judge_v they_o hate_v of_o god_n and_o thus_o god_n suffer_v this_o darkness_n about_o their_o future_a estate_n to_o humble_v his_o saint_n and_o make_v they_o cry_v to_o he_o for_o light_n to_o manifest_v the_o sincerity_n of_o the_o saint_n to_o set_v they_o a_o longing_n after_o eternity_n where_o they_o shall_v have_v full_a and_o clear_a sight_n to_o make_v glory_n appear_v glory_n indeed_o if_o the_o glitter_a here_o be_v glorious_a what_o shall_v the_o full_a be_v that_o it_o appear_v not_o be_v out_o of_o just_a judgement_n from_o god_n to_o this_o wicked_a world_n who_o do_v hate_n and_o contemn_v they_o therefore_o god_n will_v not_o let_v they_o see_v their_o glory_n they_o shall_v only_o know_v it_o by_o feel_v the_o contrary_a and_o the_o want_n of_o it_o there_o