the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
soul in former dayes in the Night-seasons and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw these thoughts did put me upon it the tenth of this second Month in the Evening to beg of God that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extream Cough truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisom to me more then any formerly by reason of my distemper but my good God who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will and not according to our thoughts or fears or hopes so ordered it that what I had reason most to fear he gave me least to feel and though I was much distempered in my head when I vvent to bed by reason of my cold that vvas so great yet did he give me very good rest all the fore-part of the night vvhich vvhen I avvaked tovvards morning and began to consider Oh I could not but admire but vvithal began to think that though my desires about this vvere ansvvered and though I had rest of body yet no communion vvith my God or reasonings with my own heart which I intended to have parlyed a little with while I had these thoughts and the like lying in a slumbering vvay there vvas this thought brought to my mind which Mr. Cradock the fourth day of this second Month mentioned upon another occasion the words were these That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Asses Colt These words ran much in my mind and some thoughts were given in upon them with a great desire I might not forget them but might in the Morning see and finde out that place of Scripture but the Lord giving me as I thought an opportunity and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick I hasted as soon as I could get up to prepare for going but when we came there having prayed to the Lord in some few words that he would please to give me some sight of himself some transforming sight and some kisses from his lips this day but going there we were disappointed for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning and so we came home again and coming home being a little sadned in my spirit thinking of my Morning-desires when an answer should be of them or how looked for I sate me down and fell to reading a little of Mr. Cradocks Sermon before mentioned and meeting with these vvords Oh vain man that would be wise put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts and fell to looking the Scripture and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Asses Colt some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these vvords Vain man would be wise Good God! hath not this been my condition this poor vain creature would I not fain be wise and thought to be so and often prided my self in the thoughts of it for which the Lord righteously shevvs me novv and then my folly yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Waies for the Lord to walk in tovvards me even as if I knew better what were good for me then God or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better then he and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Wayes yea and if he refuses and rejects them as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do blessed be his Name Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire And for the later vvords though man be born like a wild Asse Colt concerning vvhich I had some scattered thoughts but not so composed as afterwards But after I had come home from James next day and had looked this Scripture and found it sitting and pausing a vvhile upon it my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation at last I betook my self to some short requests to the Lord telling him That as he vvas pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the publike enjoyment yet in him there was a fulness of all povver and ability thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage some transforming vvords which he is able to do as vvell in private as in publike which I did now beg of him and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day and guide me into the Way and put me upon the Work and that he would please to appear to me with many other requests both for my own soul and others in relation to me But not knowing vvhat Work to set upon this day or what to take in hand but waiting upon the Lords direction having many things in my thoughts to do but desirous of some vvord from God to my poor soul but this vvord in Job 11. 12. following me still I fell to some further thoughts of it and ruminating on the latter clause of being like the wild Asse I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully and there these words of the Prophet brought to my minde that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind and is ready to be found in her moneth which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Asse used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all these that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they shall find her In which as also in most part of the chapter I find many things that sate very close to me the Lord began thus it was with me for in v. 2. I remember saith he the kindnest of thy youth the love of thine espousals when thou wentest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown In the time of thy darkness sorrows and tears and bondage when thou wentest after me and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness though thou shouldest perish in so doing yea resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully as it vvere taken off from all but me thou didst desire nothing but my self But ver 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity How righteously may the Lord say thus to me vvas he not better to me by far then ever I expected or could have believed v. 6. Neither said they Where
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
spirit and keep it from utter despair and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable yet did the Lord so secretly support me that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude that I should certainly perish as Sathan continually suggested to me though I still feared it which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me though in a poor weak and low measure yet to follow him still often telling him that if I did perish my desire was to perish coming towards him following of him and begging mercy from him Then in the year 1650. June the 28 was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me in taking from me my dear and precious Father who was the chief comfort of my natural life and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit and indeed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions to instance in one to two It was strongly suggested to me that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord that now he would not only take him from me but even in this sad severe manner not once permitting him to speake to me or me with him which was also further aggravated with these thoughts that it was the more just with the Lord thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice in this time of my doubts and feares as I might have done Thus being tossed to and fro and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship and also considering that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared and indeed a wonder all things being rightly weighed that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God in not submitting quietly to his will the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me And upon examination finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him and so putting him in stead of God I did at last though with much repulse in my wicked spirit acknowledg it before the Lord and begg of him that he would shew me more and more what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke and that as he had now by his own immediate hand brought me within the letter of the promise being now fatherless that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ And thus I continued sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up though sometimes again inlarged Then about 2 or 3 moneths after being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother as also my self both at one time upon our bed of sickness visiting us with very strong feavers which being towards Winter brought us very low which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me At which time in the midst of all my weakness I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses though I could never make good any of these promises vowes or covenants by me so made hereupon I considered though with much trouble of spirit that I had found by sad and often experience that if I should live never so long I should live never the better nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burthen of my life and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me but contrarily I saw I was still pressed under with a body of death by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ and although I could not confidently beleeve that the Lord would be good to me yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else and therefore did desire to relye wholly upon him acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell and that if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me it was infinite unspeakable mercy Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more vvhich both my self and others about me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased after some fevv vveaks in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health all vvhich time being accompanied vvith many a sad thought my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal 42. 5 11. Wherein he calls his soul to accompt saying Why art thou cast down O my soul and
why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means the Lord I say setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit I began at last to reason thus vvith my self and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard some expressions in them being brought to my mind vvherein I found several answers to many things vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth having heard of him I had a great desire to hear him which also I did 3 or 4 times with much content he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righteous but even heathens ungodly men which word added somewhat to my comfort only I could not say I had faith and this stumbled me again Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer who by the providence of God was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit that it should convince the world of sinne and of righteousness where he fully shewed that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them which I now found I had been very guilty of telling us also that all those duties graces or qualifications that we so rested upon were not the righteousness of Christ c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul at which time I must needs say I do really beleeve that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing being yet very dark in the understanding of it But in this short time of my being in the Country the Lord having in some measure thus begun as it were to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul I was strangly in my own thoughts I hope by the spirit of the Lord put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure to that end accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery which I was now very much unsatisfied in which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way finding them generally so full of wrath bitterness clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet humble and Christian like as also a way for more growth and establishment being more full of love which the Gospel is so full of and watching over one another c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him as also when and where I might so joyn begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it Then coming home again my trouble renewed to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me at last making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight which accordingly I did about Midsummer 1651. who through the assistance of God did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ and relyed upon him having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say but only that I was so over-power'd with unbeleefe that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ gladly and with all my soul yet I neither durst nor could do it as I then thought Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it about a moneth or two at the most after the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul and accordingly though with much repulse in my self I wrote a paper wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord c. Which being no wayes able to accomplish I durst not believe or go to God as a father but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ but going about too much to establish my own righteousness I did then desire their prayers that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul and enable me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him and having a fit opportunity of privacy coming there before any other company I laid it down upon the table and it
pleased the Lord so to order it Mr. Knight being absent Mr. Barker came in that day who was altogether unknown to me who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3 4 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others that I durst not think but to be the people of God now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these which were held out to us was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls from all vvhich being too large here to relate my soul received very much refreshing being in the close of that service put again upon it by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants to put the question to my soul at every turn doubt vvhence comest thou or vvherefore dost thou doubt and truely the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts feares jealousies and hard thoughts of God much provoke and dishonour him so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate I came now in some measure through grace to see that it vvas a heynous sin and therefore to endeavour strive and pray and do all I could against them Yet did often I lye under many sad apprehensions arising hence being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God or look up to him under this relation of a father only looking upon him as a gracious merciful and yet withall a just severe God this vvas a great trouble to my spirit then did the Lord by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1 4 12 13 14 15 19. vers Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular having no power to gainsay the duty required in it the Lord being pleased by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight and sometimes some others to come in further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul enabling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness nothingness the conrinual need I stood in of him vvithout vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing had nothing and could have nothing but only sin as also that fullness that is in him together vvith a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures vvho see the need they have of it and come to him for it vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do and that I might go vvholy out of my self and come to him for life then hearing that Mr. Knight and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that happily the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me if I could but see him clearing up my way and opening a door for me to joyn with them which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of being full of ebbings and flowings sometimes hoping a little and sometimes again full of fears Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do but often seeking the Lord concerning it who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution that through his grace assisting of me I would put it upon the trial relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul though in much weakness yet I hoped in truth and this I was the more willing unto that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready alwayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto yet rather than to deprive my self of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit yet not without many fears and that strong ones too that I should not be accepted of the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts that I would through his assistance do my duty and offer my self and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me I did desire to see his mind and to expect strength from him to submit to his will manitested through it acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved considering with all that my desire was chiefly and in the first place to approve my self to the Lord and if he saw it good to his people also but if otherwise my desire was though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it yet however to wait upon the Lord and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal which by providence I heard of and had a desire to be at which accordingly I did at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God that
for the salvation of man all these perfections are purposely in him for the good of his Church he proved it from Heb. 7. 22. Where he is called the surety of a better Testament Christs love is set out by a suretyship now a surety as a surety is wholly for the good of them whom he is thus a surety for if a man as a surety shall become bound to an other when he seals the bond he doth it as a surety when he is arrested for the debt it is as he is a surety when he payes the debt when he cancels the bond he doth it as a surety all he doth from the beginning to the end is onely his voluntary act undertaking to be a pawne and pledge Thus did Jesus Christ God the Father he enters into a covenant with lost man undertaking to be the God of sinfull man and man covenants to be his people he covenanteth to give them this benefit and they to yeild him this obedience now Jesus Christ he comes and undertaketh to be a surety for both he undertaketh to God on mans part all that man oweth shall be paid every jot of duty to be performed shall be performed and on Gods part he undertaketh all the good that God hath promised shall be made good to them upon their beleeving thus he is a surety The like expressions you have Joh. 7. 21. when Christ prayed to the Father for them whom he undertook first to bring them home then to keep them in this world then that they might partake of his glory with the Father for their sakes I sanctifie my self now to be sanctified signifieth ordinarily to be made clean from corruption and indued with grace and holiness but sanctification in this place properly is nothing else but separation to God therefore said Christ I did separate my self give up my self to God and all the work that Christ undertook he expresseth in that word he separated himself for their sakes so that if you do ask why was the Sonne of God made man why he lived why he died why he preached why he prayed all was for their sakes that is for their sakes whom he there prayed for and then in 1 Cor. 1. last Jesus Christ is said to be made unto us wisdome righteousness sanctification and redemption Christ was made all this and he was made it of God and made it for us wisdome to us righteousness to us all to us nay there is no one thing spoken of Christ through the Scriptures but there are plain Scriptures that do shew that it was for us when he was made flesh the Scripture saith it is to us a child is born and a sonne given when he lived he lived for us he is said to die for our sinnes and rise again for justification he ascended for us and sitteth at Gods right hand for us for our sakes he returns to judgement Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my poor spirit from these Scriptures thinking with my self oh wretched heart why shouldest thou ever harbour one hard thought of God or Christ more or give way to one doubt more Then in the application he came to put this lively question to our hearts Whether do any of you relye on Christ for your Saviour and see the need you have of him hath the Lord convinced you of your own lost undone condition through sinne perswading you to go to Jesus Christ and cast your souls on him to undertake for you doth God witness with your souls that really and sincerely above all things in the world you desire to be found in Christ if this be thy condition to which my soul did and doth answer before the Lord Lord thou searcher of hearts knowest by thy rich grace thou hast many years ago brought my soul to this very frame then what is it thou canst want if Christ be thy Saviour why all that is in him is for thee all that wisdome and grace that is in him is for thee and will not this answer all thy objections if thou couldest but understand it rightly what is it thou canst say thou wantest but it is in Christ I saith the soul I know he is all-sufficient then this is in him for thee Then he came to answer a great objection which I must confesse hath puzled my soul many a year and laid me under very sad feares which the Lord cleared up in some measure to my soul heretofore but much confirmed me at this present Object I but saith a soul if I could indeed partake of this you speak of oh this would settle my poor heart but this rather maketh me fear that I have no part in Christ if all that he hath be for his members if I were one of his members how come I to be so emptie could he then deny me that which I humbly beg of him every day the Lord is my witness saith the soul that I have for many years made my daily suit that Jesus Christ would please to give me pardon and grace and wisdome and ability to serve him if he be a friend yea and trusty and thus faithfull would he deny it me if I had a right to it therefore I rather fear I am none of his 1. Answ Say not such a word saith he for it may be thou hast a great deal more then thou dost take notice of If Jesus Christ hath tendred satisfaction to the fathers justice and the Father hath accepted of it and if he hath merited all grace for thee and hath already purchased it for thee and will give it out when thou hast most need thou art then more happy by having it in his hand then if it were in thy own keeping even as if one were my surety haply I want much wherewith to pay all my debts and to provide that for me which I want now if he goes and cancells all my bonds and purchaseth in his hands whatsoever I need is not this for me though not yet delivered into my own hand thou must by that eye of faith see what Christ hath done to the Father and what in his own hand he hath received from the Father and if it be in his hand for thee is it not as good as in thine own 2. Thou sayest thou hast so little It may be thou mightest have a great deal more then thou hast if thou wert indeed contented that Christ should be the well-head and thou onely the cistern but we would faine have our portion of grace to be in our own hands and then we would look upon our selves to be as somebody whereas if we could be but contented to let Christ have the honour of all and we think it enough to be but partakers of it by faith we should have much more commited to our hands then we have already Oh how fully did these two answers come in upon my heart 3. There are no better arguments of a heart filled with grace then to be mourning for the
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
moneth observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government upon which for some time he was very weak in praying for it and seeking the Lord for them in place which was a great trouble to my spirit whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts desiring him to take a veiw of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day from that Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer shewing that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes that he often left his own behind with some other such hints which letter I did not send fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart but not presented at all save onely before the Lord who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer which was a real answer of my poor desires wherein the Lord shewed me that the desires I had were yet upon his heart for which bless the Lord O my soul who though thou didst not press them those desires being hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at There was the 10 of the 6 moneth at a private day of humiliation we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation our selves four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth The first was this one to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word what great advantages there are held out in it to the cleansing of the soul and perfecting of holiness in them but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls although if their heart deceive them not it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen which maketh them even cry out for deliverance and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more but shall be made like unto him desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends that seeing his will is in those things and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on and what shall be discovered to be the let it may also by him be removed whatever it be though in things never so near and dear and their hearts supported and born up and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet to be made to do to bear to suffer to forsake any thing for his glory But how graciously did the Lord this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth begin to answer one main thing in this request discovering to my soul that haply one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me but suffer corruption still to work might be that I might yet cry out more mightily to him happly I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon and the sight of sinne and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him and resolve to give him no rest yet not that I should content my self in pouring out those desires to him and so rest there as was also hinted to me the same day but to be watchful over my heart and conscience watching and praying calling and crying untill the Lord appears and not to think it enough to spread these desires before the Lord and then give way to sinne and temptation and corruption and as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth 1653. hinted to me what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin but that we come more near to him and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it and on the other side what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement now O my soul is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end or Sathans end oh therefore close in with God beg power and strength of him to do it Nay in farther answer the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief and first of my own heart this eleventh day saying O my soul is it not thy duty to beleeve for is it not said blessed are they that beleeve though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense yet O my soul roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith for faith is the substance of things not seen and the evidence of things hoped for therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death then faith shall cease and be of no use but now is the time to act faith when thou canst by the eye of sense see nothing but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work that it is his will even our sanctification and that we may well remember him with it and pray as he teacheth us that his will may be done so it shall certainly be but did the Lord discover to my soul the eleventh of this moneth that this also was part of the prayer of Christ sanctify them through thy truth Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave I thank thee O Father that thou hast heard me alwayes but I speak it for their sakes that they might beleeve now O my soul if this be Christs prayer and that as he saith Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely but all that should after beleeve and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh as he saith he doth then O my soul up and beleeve for this work shall certainly go on The truth is the Lord did herein not onely answer to this but to the other request also that was this day presented so that the Lord did answer them both even as I did at once present them both blessed for ever be his name Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight to be put up to God in way of thanks saying one whom the Lord hath been pleased through rich grace and mercy to hear and answer since our last meeting desires to
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
degrees of it which thou sawest through mercy by others though not visibly to them Thus did the Lord bring a good issue out of their own speeches and words causing thee to lie down at his foot expecting the punishment of thine iniquity Yea greater difficultie then these hath the Lord carried thee through when all the powers of Hell and thy own Corruptions have combined together to keep thee from duties of Prayer Meditation and Examination and the like and yet the Lord hath enabled thee to break through all and to pour out thy soul to him when thou wert even in thy own apprehensions at the Pits brink and yet resolved to cry to him and not to give over crying and calling whilst thou livest notwithstanding all temptations to the contrary yea the more strong the temptations were the more speedily wert thou fain to address to the Lord for his strength and power to assist thee in grapling with them yea when some times overcame as it were and beaten down by Satan and entring the very borders of despair yet even thence from this belly of hel in which thou didst apprehend thy self already entred did not the Lord inable thee to cry to him resolve to give him no rest Yea when thou foundest no advantage or profit of all thy Prayers and Tears Sighs Croans but that the Lord seemed to turn a deaf ear yet did not the Lord enable thee to go on and to tell him that all those comforts and enjoyment here below they were poor mean things such as thou couldest not take for thy portion and therefore didst beg with submission to his wil That if he had no other for thee but the portion of this life that he would please to deny thee them also and never give them to be a snare but rather let thee end thy dayes in some desolate Wilderness 3. Faithfulness appears in cheerful service Now O my soul art thou not able to say before the Lord the searcher of hearts through his grace that so much faithfulness as thou canst discern in thee in any service of thy Lord is thy very joy and rejoicing of thy heart but on the other side so much unfaithfulness as thou canst discern in any service this is it that maketh thee go mourning all thy dayes because thou art no more fruitful 4. O my soul thy faithfulness in some measure appears in that thou art rejoiced really in spirit when any opportunity is put into thy hand and thy heart being enabled in any measure to improve it to the service and for the glory of thy Lord and art thou not on the contrary grieved that thou hast so many opportunities offered before thee but like a fool hast not a heart to improve them for the glory of thy Lord is not this thy daylie burthen Lord thou knowest it is when through the subtilty of Satan and deceit of my own heart I fool away many rich opportunities by not improving of them which after proved a sad burthen and affliction to me 5. O my soul doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness to thy Lord in that thy endeavours do come still beneath thy desires hath not the Lord really enabled thee through grace to say with Paul The good that I would do I do not But O that I could do it that I could serve the Lord more and better but oh how low do I live and how poorly do I walk but oh that I could come to Prayer and read and hear and meditate and do all private and publike duties and walk in all my Relations in this world as might honor this my Lord are not these the continual groans and breathings of my heart before the Lord Lord thou knowest it for I have none I desire to appeal unto but to thee the searcher of my heart 6. Lord doth not some faithfulness appear to be wrought in my soul by thee in that thou hast above all things made me to delight in that work that no eye sees but thy self Thou knowest what a fear hath been upon my spirit and is to this day in a great measure to appear before others thou Lord knowest how many years this fear hath been as a prison to keep in the workings of my heart as doors to my mouth to keept it from lamenting it self not so much as in one word in the hearing of others lest there should any pride or hypocrifie act in it yea to this very day how many services wherein perhaps thy Lord might be honoured art thou prevented and durst not to act in upon this very accompt that it cannot be done in private canst thou not say before the searcher of hearts That such thoughts and apprehensions and fears as these least others should esteem thee better then thou art or thy own spirit be lifted up before the Lord or any false ends byasse thee in it That such thoughts I say as thefe do often as it were tye up thy tongue sow up thy mouth in all companies even whiles at that instant thy heart is even ready to split or break in pieces for want of vent sometimes apprehending that those discoveries that the Lord was pleased sometimes to make to thee and the rich grace he is pleased to manifest in thee in overcoming all the unkindness in thee ought not to be put unnder a bushel but held out to others and yet not daring to do it finding my wretched heart so prone to be lifted up upon all such occasions and so dishonor God that way and so deceive others and my self also And through both these fears my soul often walks sadly before the Lord fearing to offend him and not being able to discern it whether way I might most honor him having made trial of both sometimes silent and sometimes spake and finding the wickedness of my heart appear sadly in both I knew not sometimes which was best the Lord in mercy manifest and clear up to me O my soul Thus may it probably and hopefully appear to thee that the Lord hath made thee in some measure his faithful servant 1. The Lord hath given me some hopes that I trust I have no other Master that I willingly call Rabbi or willingly serve but my Lord Jesus nor have I any other work that I do upon which my heart is delightfully set upon but only my Lords work and this appears farther to me in that the Lord hath I hope in some measure wrought my heart to this frame of spirit to desire above all things to serve my Lord Christ in all the Relations he hath set me in in this world and to that end every failing in any of them either as a child or friend or any Relation though I too sadly fail in them all this is that which if my heart deceive me not above all things breaketh my heart to think that hereby I do dishonor my Lord Jesus and that profession of being his servant It is not
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him
of God behinde me after my departure hence he having so often made it appear that hee is a God good unto the unthankeful disobedient and rebellious This begins with the 8 Month 1654. THe 27. of this month there being a great desire in severall of us to have some Church meeting set up amongst us which had been long delayed my mother and my self having often very much pressed it at last I even resolved to urge it no more imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart in this my desiring of it then did our brother Orpen and our brother Mâ—rly againe renew the motion and spake of it to us afterwards went from us to Mr Knight yet being still by one meanes or other kept off there fell much discouragement upon many of our hearts about it notwithstanding at last there was a day appointed to meet and to consult farther about the setling of it which meeting was also sadly frustrated by a mistake of the day and so no meeting but after some time there was another day appointed by joynt-consent to beginn the meeting yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren saying it was vvinter time and many other imployments vvould not permitt them to enioy it yet there vvas a time set but the very day before Mr Knight told us that hee could not bee at the meeting the next day vvhich vvas an other sad discouragement hovvever they that were present agreed to meet to seek the Lord together whereupon the next morning being the day appointed for to meet I besought the Lord though with much weakness and in a poore scattered way that hee would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his that where two or three meet in his name that hee will be in the midst of them beging that this word might be made good to us this day that hee would put our hearts in frame to meet with him and be pleased to be present vvith us and also vvith those vvhom he should please to send amongst us that there might be no soul of us but might acknovvledge the Lords Presence amongst us and finde some blessed vvord hinted to their condition and in particular to my poore soul God setting it home with mighty povver upon my heart even so as that I might be moulded into it And hovv vvonderfully did the Lord even beyond expectation appeare this day in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly neither of which were expected and putting into their mouthes a most suteable and seasonable word as also povvering out his spirit richly on them that spake in prayer to him wherein I saw a great answer to an other petition this morning which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in speaking to him and from him which he was pleased richy and gloriously to doe in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God and in the close did acknowledge it whereupon the meeting received great incouragement and was resolved to be kept up O my soul how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers together with seasonable refreshments to my poore drooping spirit from the words that our brother Morly spake out of the 40. psal But I am Poore and weake yet the Lord thinketh on me which poverty ariseth from the sence of sinn and corruption yet the Lord thinketh on me whereupon hee puts us upon this thought what if all other slight and disregard a poore soul if the Lord thinketh upon it is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul The 8. of this 9. Month O my soul how unexpectedly vvas the Lord pleased to prevent thee vvith his loveing kindness and grace thou having been very ill all night with an extream cold not thinking I should be able to goe in the morning to Fulham yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord and cast and roul my self upon him and how gloriously did hee appeare to my soul and what a seasonable word was hinted out this day to mee by our deare brother the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning being the Lords day finding my heart exceeding dead and dull and altogether unfit to meet the Lord as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalencie of corruption and temptation over me almost continually which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord in sundry various petitions relating to my present condition as also greatly begging his presence both in the preparing my heart to meet with him and in fitting some blessed word wherein he might meet my poor soul with many requests to this purpose too large to relate and both touching my own soul and also his servant that was to speak that day and behold how gloriously O my soul did the Lord appeare through his servant our dear pastor who spake from the 45. Psal thy Throne O God is for ever and ever the Scepter of thy Kingdome is a right Scepter where he shewed us that Christs Scepter by which he rules and orders all his affaires in the world and in his Church is a right Scepter and that all his administrations are managed by a right straight line for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that how ever through the darkness of our hearts and our unpeliefe wee could not see the straightness of all Christs administrations yet that they are so hovvever for God the Father who best knows them saith so of them shewing us also that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad condition as they so tempted and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts and the like and if Christ did indeed raign in them and over them and his Scepter thus right why is it then thus with them in answer to which he shewed us that Christs Scepter was right still because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his fathers glory as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing so Christ hath some eminence of glory by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnifie his grace and mercy towards such as we are yea to do us good through all now dear Father hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescention to such a poor worthless wretch as I am This day also did the Lord call us seeing his Throne and Kingdome is for ever and ever to look after everlasting things a secret check to my soul in it so eagerly persuing after fading dying things yea if Christs kingdome be everlasting so also are
hypocrite or afraid to hear what conscience saith Oh how sweetly was this truth improved this day by application as first to teach us to admire the goodness of God in placing such a witness in every mans bosom yea how good it was for the Saints that this was set up in wicked men for some times there are actions done by wicked men against Gods people that there is no winess but their own consciences which testifie against them of all their hard speeches and thoughts and words and the like yea how good was it for the Saints also in this for had they not this witness in themselves how bitter would the reproaches of the World be to them We were exhorted to take heed how we walk towards conscience it being by God set as a Watch over us oh then take heed that we withdraw not from it Nay it is true it will follow you but labour to keep it in your sight and when you are to do any civil or religious Work call it in and say Conscience What sayest thou to this or that action Was it according to the will and mind of God and give it leave to speak out yea and give time also for oftentimes the affairs of the World hinder that conscience hath not time to speak its mind 2 To take heed we grieve it not for its complaints will be heard in Heaven therefore take heed of doing any thing against conscience 3. Awe it as a Judge and be content to be judged by it in all you do for it will be your Judge another day and will be an immortal Witness either in point of comfort or terror oh therefore awe it 1. Do you take of heed of slighting conscience or its Testimony for therein you commit great injury to God it being his Embassador and by him set in you 2. It is great folly also to stop its mouth For 1. All your hindering it or endeavouring to do so will but prove an aggravation of its Witness another day against you then it will tell you That it would have spoken plainly to you such and such a time but you would not hear you were so busie in the World or the like The reason why Saints do no more rejoice is because they walk no more in the testimony of their own consciences We were also exhorted in the conclusion to be very tender of doing any thing without a solemn Court of Conscience rashness is the worst evil Conscience is Gods Witness let it be yours give it full liberty therefore to speak and say all it can ask it again and again what it saith to this and that action and may be it will give thee that Testimony that through rashness and hastiness it had not time to speak or thou to hear it Oh what sensible hints were these to my poor soul if the Lord would but please to bless them effectually to me and help me to put them in practice daylie The Lord having seen meet to call our Brother Vilet ont of this World I heard that he was to be buryed at Fulham this Afternoon and our Pastor to preach which occasioned me greatly to desire to hear him which also I did though it was exceeding late at which time he spake from 1 Joh. 3. 2. Now are we the sons of â—od but it doth not yet appear what we shall be c. from which there were most seasonable blessed truths hinted to my soul That which he pressed was That what the Saints shall be it doth not appear Then he shewed it did not appear first to the Saints themselves 1. Because of the little light the Saints have of this glory nay if God should reveal more they could not bear it in this state 2. In regard of our not improvements of the discoveries made of our future estate 3. Because their present estate is compassed with sin and affliction both vvhich do obstruct the sight of this glory but more particularly the Reasons why it doth not appear he shewed were these 1. From the many diversions of the Spirit of Saints that turn them aside from beholding their glory to come how do the toyes and baubles of this World divert them from beholding of this and so their estate doth not appear to them 2. It comes from inconstancie of Spirit because their hearts do not dwell on those things no man is excellent in that his heart and thoughts dwell not upon so here 3. From the weakness of our Faith for we live novv by Faith but when Christ shall appear then you shall live by sight so that whilest you are here your sight is according to your Faith if your Faith be right and straight like Stephens then have you a strong sight of glory 4. It appears not from the remainders of corruptions that abide in us every sin vails the sight of this glory 5. God himself is pleased sometimes to exercise his Saints not only under darkness in the sight of their future estate but also of their present estate and so they walk in the dark and this God doth for high and holy ends and gives great instructions through it no his Saints to look up to him for life and wait on him for the manifestation of his love and their future estate and to make them see that it flows from nothing in them but from him only eternal life being not only the gift of God but even the light whereby we see it 2. This glory appears not to the World also and that 1. Because the World sees only the outside of a godly man his shell but they see not the glory of his inside they see their poverty and contempt and reproach c. but they see not the glorious working of God on their souls or operation of his spirit in them 2 It appears not to the World because the Saints have their Clouds upon them The best have their infirmities and these the World look most upon wicked men are blind and cannot see for spiritual things must be spiritually discerned because many times there are differences among the Saints themselves and this darkens their glory to the World who see them disputing about Religion and the like the World judgeth of their future Estate by their present condition if men flourish here then they judge well of them if they lie under troubles they judge them hated of God and thus God suffers this darkness about their future estate To humble his Saints and make them cry to him for light To manifest the sincerity of the Saints To set them a longing after Eternity where they shall have full and cleare sight To make glory appear glory indeed if the glittering here be glorious what shall the full be that it appears no is out of just judgement from God to this wicked World who do hate and contemn them therefore God wil not let them see their glory they shall only know it by feeling the contrary and the want of it There