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of_o it_o the_o devil_n thanks_o be_v to_o god_n who_o have_v give_v he_o and_o assure_v we_o of_o the_o victory_n through_o our_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n to_o he_o be_v glory_n throughout_o all_o the_o church_n for_o ever_o amen_n the_o character_n and_o trial_n of_o a_o real_a christian_a now_o follow_v out_o of_o his_o own_o paper_n the_o manner_n of_o his_o examine_v his_o heart_n and_o life_n state_n and_o frame_n and_o the_o result_n thereof_o record_v and_o write_v for_o his_o support_n in_o after-difficulty_n some_o may_v be_v excite_v by_o it_o to_o a_o imitation_n and_o other_o find_v encouragement_n by_o what_o relieve_v he_o against_o his_o doubt_n and_o fear_n and_o enable_v he_o to_o persevere_v even_o without_o full_a assurance_n henry_n gearing_n though_o i_o have_v be_v under_o much_o hardness_n and_o deadness_n for_o many_o year_n yet_o i_o think_v good_a for_o my_o encouragement_n here_o to_o record_v god_n goodness_n to_o i_o sometime_o by_o look_v over_o my_o book_n in_o which_o i_o have_v write_v down_o in_o shorthand_n every_o night_n how_o it_o be_v with_o i_o in_o the_o day_n i_o find_v that_o i_o have_v sometime_o be_v quicken_v and_o affect_v in_o prayer_n often_o in_o family-prayer_n at_o night_n on_o the_o lord_n day_n though_o i_o begin_v very_o much_o indispose_v yet_o it_o please_v god_n to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n in_o earnest_a desire_n and_o i_o have_v have_v some_o melt_n more_a than_o usual_a at_o other_o time_n in_o family-prayer_n at_o night_n i_o have_v be_v more_o than_o ordinary_o affect_v and_o sometime_o under_o the_o word_n preach_v once_o at_o the_o morning_n lecture_n when_o i_o hear_v a_o sermon_n of_o buy_v the_o pearl_n of_o price_n at_o other_o time_n i_o find_v i_o be_v affect_v great_o in_o family_n prayer_n so_o as_o scarce_o to_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v for_o weep_v at_o another_o time_n i_o have_v record_v how_o i_o be_v quicken_v by_o hear_v a_o sermon_n of_o mr._n swinnock_n on_o that_o text_n he_o 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psalm_n but_o for_o the_o most_o part_n i_o have_v be_v a_o great_a stranger_n to_o joy_n and_o comfort_n ever_o since_o the_o day_n of_o my_o youth_n these_o thing_n i_o write_v march_v 18._o 1689_o be_v remark_n in_o general_a of_o near_o twenty_o year_n past_a as_o to_o what_o i_o have_v write_v in_o this_o little_a book_n it_o be_v first_o in_o shorthand_n and_o never_o intend_v to_o be_v transcribe_v but_o afterward_o i_o consider_v that_o many_o thing_n in_o it_o may_v be_v of_o use_n to_o i_o by_o another_o read_n of_o it_o if_o it_o shall_v please_v god_n to_o lay_v his_o hand_n upon_o i_o that_o i_o can_v not_o myself_o read_v my_o shorthand_n and_o i_o know_v not_o but_o something_o in_o it_o may_v be_v useful_a to_o other_o i_o hope_v and_o pray_v it_o may_v be_v so_o unto_o many_o if_o the_o like_a serious_a spirit_n accompany_v every_o reader_n in_o the_o perusal_n of_o the_o follow_a paper_n as_o he_o have_v in_o write_v they_o beg_v it_o of_o god_n and_o then_o begin_v to_o read_v anno_fw-la 1676_o march_v 28._o have_v have_v in_o my_o thought_n sometime_o to_o keep_v a_o secret_a â—ast_n in_o my_o closet_n chief_o to_o search_v and_o try_v the_o state_n of_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n i_o do_v it_o and_o hope_v i_o do_v set_v about_o it_o in_o the_o integrity_n of_o my_o heart_n my_o chief_a design_n be_v to_o examine_v how_o the_o case_n stand_v between_o god_n and_o my_o soul_n whether_o i_o have_v indeed_o a_o work_n of_o save_a grace_n wrought_v in_o i_o and_o that_o i_o may_v get_v corruption_n that_o be_v strong_a more_o mortify_v especial_o the_o sin_n i_o most_o incline_v unto_o and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v enable_v from_o god_n to_o carry_v it_o better_o in_o my_o christian_a course_n both_o in_o my_o family_n and_o in_o secret_a retirement_n to_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n after_o prayer_n that_o god_n will_v help_v i_o to_o try_v myself_o i_o go_v to_o the_o work_n of_o self-examination_n by_o the_o character_n that_o mr._n ambrose_n have_v give_v and_o by_o some_o character_n my_o cousin_n calamy_n lay_v down_o and_o other_o of_o mr._n allen_n mr._n nalion_n and_o mr._n swinnock_n i_o spend_v a_o good_a deal_n of_o time_n herein_o and_o hope_v i_o desire_v to_o deal_v impartial_o with_o myself_o and_o do_v beg_v of_o god_n hearty_o that_o i_o may_v make_v a_o right_a judgement_n of_o myself_o i_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v my_o heart_n close_o to_o the_o work_n and_o though_o i_o can_v not_o meet_v with_o great_a comfort_n yet_o upon_o serious_a search_n i_o can_v find_v but_o that_o god_n have_v wrought_v true_a grace_n in_o i_o bless_a be_v his_o name_n i_o hope_v i_o may_v have_v recourse_n to_o this_o day_n while_o i_o live_v for_o support_n in_o any_o case_n i_o do_v also_o read_v over_o the_o covenant_n i_o enter_v into_o with_o the_o lord_n about_o nine_o year_n since_o and_o renew_v my_o covenant_n and_o give_v up_o myself_o afresh_o to_o the_o lord_n and_o take_v he_o for_o my_o god_n and_o portion_n i_o hope_v in_o the_o lord_n that_o i_o be_v sincere_a and_o upright_a i_o find_v some_o ease_n and_o quiet_v in_o my_o mind_n afterward_o o_o that_o i_o may_v not_o now_o grow_v careless_a but_o live_v answerable_o and_o remember_v i_o have_v renew_v my_o covenant_n with_o the_o lord_n and_o if_o he_o have_v in_o any_o wise_a speak_v peace_n to_o my_o soul_n let_v i_o not_o again_o return_v to_o folly_n for_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n sake_n an._n 1676_o july_n 27._o look_v over_o my_o book_n where_o i_o enter_v at_o night_n how_o it_o be_v with_o i_o every_o day_n i_o find_v i_o have_v be_v out_o of_o order_n many_o time_n in_o duty_n since_o the_o trial_n of_o myself_o mention_v here_o but_o hope_v i_o do_v desire_v to_o have_v my_o heart_n with_o god_n and_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o in_o duty_n to_o draw_v out_o my_o soul_n in_o earnest_n and_o hearty_a desire_n after_o he_o my_o heart_n through_o mercy_n have_v be_v sometime_o though_o too_o seldom_o in_o a_o good_a frame_n the_o lord_n have_v mercy_n on_o i_o and_o grant_v i_o may_v be_v sincere_a and_o upright_a with_o he_o he_o be_v please_v still_o as_o for_o many_o year_n past_a to_o withdraw_v from_o i_o and_o i_o do_v not_o meet_v with_o much_o comfort_n in_o his_o ordinance_n but_o i_o remember_v what_o mr._n n._n use_v to_o say_v that_o grace_n be_v better_a than_o comfort_n god_n grant_v that_o i_o may_v make_v sure_a of_o grace_n and_o act_n and_o exercise_v grace_n and_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o comfort_n it_o be_v worth_a wait_a for_o all_o the_o day_n of_o my_o life_n the_o lord_n help_v i_o though_o i_o sit_v in_o darkness_n and_o see_v no_o light_n to_o trust_v in_o the_o lord_n and_o stay_v myself_o on_o my_o god_n the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o keep_v up_o faith_n and_o hope_n in_o he_o through_o christ_n to_o wait_v and_o trust_v and_o hope_v and_o believe_v still_o against_o hope_n of_o sense_n to_o believe_v in_o hope_n of_o a_o promise_n the_o lord_n make_v i_o careful_a to_o mind_v his_o glory_n and_o do_v my_o duty_n in_o the_o place_n in_o which_o he_o have_v set_v i_o for_o i_o be_o apt_a to_o be_v trouble_v lest_o i_o shall_v fail_v of_o my_o duty_n towards_o those_o commit_v to_o my_o charge_n the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n grant_v i_o may_v set_v to_o his_o work_n with_o all_o my_o may_v and_o get_v my_o work_n do_v before_o my_o day_n of_o life_n be_v end_v and_o that_o my_o heart_n may_v be_v thorough_o take_v off_o from_o this_o world_n and_o i_o may_v prepare_v for_o public_a calamity_n which_o be_v much_o fear_v by_o reason_n of_o the_o
to_o be_v for_o ever_o with_o he_o hereafter_o january_n the_o 30_o 1682._o i_o spend_v this_o day_n in_o a_o secret_a fast_o in_o my_o closet_n the_o main_a end_n i_o propose_v to_o myself_o be_v to_o search_v again_o my_o heart_n to_o find_v out_o whether_o there_o be_v a_o work_n of_o grace_n wrought_v in_o i_o or_o no_o also_o that_o i_o may_v get_v corruption_n more_o subdue_v that_o be_v yet_o strong_a in_o i_o and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o suffer_v for_o christ_n if_o i_o be_o call_v to_o it_o etc._n etc._n i_o hope_v i_o desire_v to_o be_v hearty_a in_o the_o work_n though_o hardness_n and_o deadness_n be_v too_o much_o upon_o i_o the_o lord_n forgive_v i_o hope_v i_o may_v say_v to_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n that_o he_o have_v begin_v that_o good_a work_n in_o i_o that_o he_o will_v perfect_v of_o the_o day_n of_o christ_n i_o do_v earnest_o beg_v of_o the_o lord_n that_o i_o may_v not_o be_v deceive_v and_o hope_v i_o be_o not_o i_o trust_v the_o lord_n have_v pluck_v i_o out_o of_o a_o natural_a estate_n and_o turn_v my_o heart_n from_o sin_n unto_o himself_o the_o lord_n grant_v i_o may_v now_o live_v answerable_a to_o the_o great_a thing_n he_o have_v do_v for_o i_o and_o keep_v the_o covenant_n i_o have_v this_o day_n renew_v january_n the_o 30_o 1684._o i_o keep_v as_o a_o fast_a and_o spend_v a_o good_a part_n of_o the_o morning_n in_o secret_a prayer_n after_o family_n duty_n i_o go_v to_o hear_v a_o sermon_n and_o then_o back_o to_o my_o closet_n where_o i_o spend_v the_o rest_n of_o the_o day_n the_o end_v i_o propose_v to_o myself_o be_v that_o god_n will_v help_v i_o against_o worldliness_n and_o distrust_n of_o his_o providence_n for_o i_o have_v be_v much_o trouble_v of_o late_a by_o reason_n of_o many_o loss_n and_o trade_n be_v fall_v almost_o to_o nothing_o and_o quiet_a my_o mind_n and_o enable_v i_o to_o trust_v he_o and_o withal_o direct_v i_o how_o to_o proceed_v as_o to_o earthly_a thing_n have_v some_o thought_n of_o leave_v this_o house_n and_o i_o desire_v also_o to_o be_v fit_v for_o the_o lord_n supper_n and_o that_o i_o may_v have_v strength_n to_o suffer_v whatever_o god_n shall_v call_v i_o to_o and_o in_o reference_n to_o the_o public_a i_o desire_v to_o seek_v god_n for_o mercy_n to_o his_o church_n and_o to_o these_o nation_n i_o begin_v with_o read_v some_o portion_n of_o god_n word_n then_o examine_v myself_o of_o the_o state_n of_o my_o soul_n by_o some_o character_n of_o grace_n in_o this_o book_n i_o hope_v i_o desire_v hearty_o the_o help_n of_o god_n and_o earnest_o beg_v i_o may_v give_v a_o right_a judgement_n of_o myself_o and_o be_v afraid_a of_o do_v otherwise_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v say_v to_o god_n glory_n sure_o there_o be_v somewhat_o of_o a_o work_n of_o grace_n that_o he_o have_v gracious_o wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o i_o be_o not_o dead_a in_o trespass_n and_o sin_n bless_a o_o bless_a be_v his_o name_n i_o be_o not_o affect_v as_o i_o ought_v but_o be_o apt_a to_o fear_v still_o know_v my_o heart_n be_v deceitful_a the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o be_v much_o in_o this_o try_v work_n for_o i_o can_v make_v too_o sure_a of_o my_o salvation_n the_o lord_n remove_v doubt_n and_o fear_n and_o strengthen_v my_o faith_n in_o he_o and_o in_o his_o promise_n after_o self-examination_n i_o spend_v the_o rest_n of_o my_o time_n in_o prayer_n and_o hope_v i_o be_v hearty_a therein_o the_o lord_n hear_v my_o poor_a prayer_n for_o myself_o for_o my_o child_n and_o for_o the_o public_a i_o also_o read_v over_o my_o covenant_n enter_v into_o with_o the_o lord_n many_o year_n since_o and_o i_o renew_v covenant_n with_o god_n the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o live_v answerable_o and_o that_o sin_n may_v be_v more_o subdue_v and_o grace_n strengthen_v that_o i_o may_v find_v the_o benefit_n of_o this_o day_n while_o i_o live_v and_o be_v fit_v for_o the_o everlasting_a enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o glory_n february_n the_o 6_o 1685._o i_o keep_v a_o fast_a by_o myself_o the_o main_a thing_n i_o have_v upon_o my_o heart_n be_v the_o low_a estate_n of_o the_o church_n and_o of_o these_o nation_n as_o also_o to_o search_v into_o the_o state_n of_o my_o soul_n to_o get_v my_o heart_n more_o take_v off_o the_o world_n to_o have_v corruption_n mortify_v and_o be_v enable_v to_o suffer_v for_o christ_n if_o call_v to_o it_o and_o never_o to_o forsake_v he_o i_o bless_v god_n i_o have_v his_o assistance_n and_o hope_v i_o be_v hearty_a in_o the_o work_n and_o that_o upon_o trial_n i_o may_v say_v god_n have_v begin_v a_o good_a work_n which_o he_o will_v carry_v on_o and_o perfect_a to_o the_o day_n of_o jesus_n christ_n o_o that_o i_o may_v make_v more_o sure_a of_o christ_n and_o grace_n and_o heaven_n especial_o when_o i_o can_v make_v sure_a of_o nothing_o below_o but_o be_o at_o such_o uncertainty_n as_o to_o all_o outward_a thing_n the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o live_v in_o some_o measure_n answerable_a to_o his_o great_a mercy_n and_o to_o 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