question_n whether_o the_o truth_n of_o grace_n can_v consist_v with_o such_o sin_n for_o than_o i_o begin_v to_o fear_v i_o be_v a_o hypocrite_n and_o that_o place_n i_o think_v upon_o with_o much_o dread_n in_o job_n viij_o 13._o the_o hypocrite_n hope_n shall_v perish_v nor_o have_v i_o any_o ease_n long_o than_o i_o be_v thus_o discourse_v with_o he_o for_o though_o he_o often_o silence_v my_o objection_n and_o i_o seem_v for_o the_o present_a to_o be_v much_o satisfy_v yet_o he_o be_v no_o soon_o go_v from_o i_o but_o my_o trouble_n return_v afresh_o insomuch_o that_o his_o wife_n will_v often_o send_v for_o he_o home_o when_o he_o be_v but_o go_v into_o the_o field_n while_o i_o be_v there_o the_o devil_n will_v suggest_v something_o to_o this_o purpose_n to_o i_o that_o when_o i_o be_v go_v from_o he_o he_o will_v torment_v i_o after_o some_o stay_n there_o i_o return_v home_o again_o where_o quick_o i_o begin_v to_o grow_v into_o deep_a despair_n it_o be_v my_o custom_n for_o several_a year_n before_o to_o write_v in_o a_o book_n i_o keep_v for_o that_o purpose_n in_o shorthand_n the_o promise_n together_o with_o my_o temptation_n and_o other_o affliction_n and_o my_o experience_n how_o god_n deliver_v i_o out_o of_o they_o mix_v therewith_o prayer_n and_o praise_n which_o practice_n i_o continue_v till_o i_o be_v overwhelm_v with_o despair_n some_o few_o passage_n whereof_o be_v here_o insert_v as_o they_o be_v write_v in_o my_o deep_a distress_n this_o book_n in_o my_o affliction_n i_o will_v oft_o say_v will_v rise_v up_o in_o judgement_n against_o i_o as_o i_o be_v walk_v with_o my_o cousin_n mrs._n shorthose_n a_o woman_n curse_a and_o swear_v sad_o ah_o cousin_n say_v i_o i_o have_v abhor_v such_o company_n all_o my_o life_n therefore_o i_o hope_v they_o shall_v not_o be_v my_o companion_n to_o eternity_n this_o be_v the_o 20_o feb._n 63._o be_v a_o time_n of_o great_a trouble_n and_o bitter_a melancholy_n and_o one_o great_a cause_n be_v for_o want_v of_o the_o light_n of_o god_n countenance_n and_o for_o fear_v that_o if_o i_o shall_v have_v any_o mercy_n show_v i_o i_o shall_v abuse_v it_o and_o my_o wretched_o deceitful_a heart_n be_v draw_v aside_o from_o god_n for_o i_o be_o only_o fit_a for_o the_o school_n of_o affliction_n and_o on_o the_o other_o hand_n if_o god_n shall_v send_v some_o further_a trial_n i_o shall_v sink_v under_o they_o and_o my_o life_n be_v make_v a_o burden_n to_o i_o but_o lord_n sure_o this_o be_v the_o voice_n of_o my_o wretched_a unbelieve_a heart_n the_o lord_n for_o christ_n sake_n fit_v i_o for_o what_o ever_o thou_o will_v do_v with_o i_o that_o i_o may_v have_v power_n again_o sin_n and_o satan_n and_o enjoy_v the_o light_n of_o thy_o countenance_n and_o then_o do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v oh_o that_o i_o may_v prevail_v with_o my_o lord_n for_o christ_n sake_n for_o grace_n suitable_a to_o every_o condition_n and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o improve_v every_o mercy_n and_o every_o affliction_n to_o thy_o glory_n and_o the_o comfort_n of_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v useful_a in_o my_o generation_n and_o not_o be_v burdensome_a lord_n pity_v my_o state_n for_o christ_n sake_n who_o have_v never_o leave_v i_o in_o my_o trial_n the_o six_o of_o april_n 64._o the_o truth_n be_v i_o know_v not_o well_o what_o to_o say_v for_o as_o yet_o i_o be_o under_o sad_a melancholy_n and_o sometime_o dreadful_a temptation_n to_o have_v hard_a thought_n of_o my_o dear_a lord_n the_o least_o assent_v to_o which_o by_o his_o grace_n i_o dread_v more_o than_o hell_n itself_o temptation_n to_o impatience_n and_o despair_n and_o to_o give_v up_o all_o for_o lose_v and_o to_o close_v with_o the_o devil_n and_o forsake_v my_o god_n which_o the_o almighty_a for_o christ_n sake_n forbid_v these_o temptation_n be_v with_o dreadful_a violence_n beside_o my_o melancholy_n have_v bad_a effect_n upon_o my_o body_n great_o impair_n my_o health_n true_o there_o be_v sometime_o such_o a_o woeful_a confusion_n and_o combat_v in_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v and_o now_o my_o earnest_a prayer_n to_o my_o lord_n be_v this_o which_o i_o trust_v for_o christ_n sake_n he_o will_v not_o deny_v i_o though_o i_o can_v beg_v it_o with_o such_o earnest_a affection_n as_o i_o shall_v yet_o i_o hope_v my_o heart_n be_v sincere_a that_o for_o my_o sweet_a redeemer_n sake_n he_o will_v preserve_v i_o from_o sin_n and_o give_v i_o strength_n of_o faith_n and_o self-denial_n and_o patience_n to_o wait_v upon_o he_o and_o submit_v to_o he_o and_o let_v he_o do_v with_o i_o what_o he_o please_v my_o god_n i_o know_v thou_o have_v for_o ever_o adore_v be_v thy_o majesty_n appear_v for_o i_o in_o many_o great_a and_o sore_a strait_n for_o the_o lord_n jesus_n sake_n now_o appear_v in_o mercy_n for_o i_o that_o i_o may_v have_v exceed_v cause_n to_o bless_v thou_o for_o this_o thy_o mercy_n also_o and_o give_v i_o a_o assurance_n that_o thou_o be_v i_o and_o that_o thou_o will_v never_o leave_v i_o till_o thou_o have_v bring_v i_o to_o thyself_o in_o glory_n the_o 12_o of_o may_n 64._o still_o my_o time_n of_o great_a distress_n and_o sore_a trial_n continue_v sometime_o the_o devil_n tempt_v i_o woeful_o to_o hard_a and_o strange_a thought_n of_o my_o dear_a lord_n which_o through_o his_o mercy_n i_o dread_v and_o abhor_v the_o assent_v to_o more_o than_o hell_n itself_o in_o a_o word_n every_o day_n at_o present_a seem_v a_o great_a burden_n to_o i_o my_o earnest_a prayer_n be_v for_o the_o lord_n sake_n that_o if_o it_o be_v thy_o holy_a will_n i_o may_v not_o perish_v in_o this_o great_a affliction_n which_o have_v be_v of_o so_o long_a continuance_n and_o be_v so_o great_a still_o notwithstanding_o mean_v use_v however_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n let_v it_o be_v sanctify_v to_o my_o eternal_a good_a and_o give_v i_o grace_v suitable_a to_o my_o condition_n and_o strength_n to_o bear_v my_o burden_n and_o then_o do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o say_v the_o lord_n pity_v i_o in_o every_o respect_n and_o appear_v for_o i_o in_o these_o my_o great_a strait_n both_o of_o soul_n and_o body_n i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v i_o shall_v be_v undo_v this_o i_o write_v to_o see_v what_o god_n will_v do_v with_o i_o whether_o ever_o he_o will_v deliver_v i_o out_o of_o such_o a_o distress_n as_o this_o that_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o praise_v and_o adore_v his_o name_n in_o the_o land_n of_o the_o live_n lord_n comfort_v i_o and_o support_v i_o and_o revive_v i_o for_o christ_n sake_n may_n 26_o 64._o i_o desire_v which_o the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o do_v exceed_o to_o bless_v and_o praise_v thy_o majesty_n that_o have_v yet_o in_o some_o measure_n support_v i_o under_o these_o dreadful_a trial_n and_o temptation_n which_o do_v yet_o continue_v and_o have_v be_v woeful_a upon_o i_o for_o almost_o four_o month_n together_o for_o christ_n sake_n pity_v my_o case_n or_o else_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v and_o do_v not_o deny_v i_o strength_n to_o bear_v up_o under_o my_o burden_n and_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n grant_v whatever_o thou_o do_v with_o i_o that_o one_o sin_n may_v not_o be_v in_o i_o unrepented_a of_o or_o unmortified_a do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v as_o to_o the_o creature_n so_o thou_o will_v subdue_v my_o sin_n and_o chain_n up_o satan_n and_o smile_v upon_o my_o soul_n lord_n i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v only_o my_o eye_n be_v up_o to_o thou_o the_o devil_n still_o keep_v i_o under_o dreadful_a bondage_n and_o in_o sad_a distress_n and_o woe_n but_o bless_v be_v my_o god_n that_o he_o do_v not_o lay_v upon_o i_o all_o affliction_n at_o once_o that_o my_o child_n be_v so_o well_o and_o that_o i_o have_v so_o many_o other_o mercy_n which_o the_o lord_n open_v my_o eye_n to_o see_v especial_o that_o christ_n be_v i_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n and_o then_o i_o have_v enough_o after_o this_o i_o write_v no_o more_o but_o this_o and_o much_o more_o i_o write_v before_o my_o last_o journey_n aforesaid_a for_o by_o that_o time_n i_o come_v back_o i_o soon_o after_o fell_a into_o deep_a despair_n and_o my_o language_n and_o condition_n grow_v sad_a than_o before_o now_o little_a to_o be_v hear_v from_o i_o but_o lament_v my_o woeful_a state_n in_o very_o sad_a and_o dreadful_a expression_n as_o that_o i_o be_v undo_v for_o ever_o that_o i_o be_v worse_a than_o cain_n or_o judas_n that_o now_o the_o devil_n have_v overcome_v i_o irrecoverable_o that_o this_o be_v what_o he_o have_v be_v aim_v at_o all_o along_o oh_o
you_o i_o of_o possession_n i_o care_v not_o if_o i_o be_v possess_v with_o a_o thousand_o devil_n so_o i_o be_v not_o a_o devil_n to_o myself_o when_o some_o have_v tell_v i_o that_o i_o have_v be_v pray_v for_o i_o will_v answer_v i_o be_v the_o less_o behold_v to_o they_o for_o it_o will_v but_o sink_v i_o the_o deep_a into_o hell_n i_o will_v often_o say_v i_o be_v a_o thousand_o time_n worse_o than_o the_o devil_n for_o the_o devil_n have_v never_o commit_v such_o sin_n as_o i_o have_v for_o i_o have_v commit_v worse_a sin_n than_o the_o sin_n against_o the_o holy-ghost_n some_o will_v answer_v the_o scripture_n speak_v not_o of_o worse_a sin_n and_o can_v you_o be_v guilty_a of_o great_a sin_n than_o the_o scripture_n mention_n yes_o say_v i_o my_o sin_n be_v so_o great_a that_o if_o all_o the_o sin_n of_o all_o the_o devil_n and_o damn_a in_o hell_n and_o all_o the_o reprobate_n on_o earth_n be_v comprehend_v in_o one_o man_n i_o be_v great_a there_o be_v no_o word_n come_v so_o near_o the_o comprehension_n of_o the_o dreadfulness_n of_o my_o condition_n as_o that_o i_o be_o the_o monster_n of_o the_o creation_n in_o this_o word_n i_o much_o delight_v i_o will_v say_v let_v he_o that_o think_v he_o stand_v take_v heed_n lest_o he_o fall_v i_o once_o think_v myself_o to_o stand_v but_o be_o miserable_o fall_v when_o i_o be_v force_v to_o be_v present_a at_o duty_n i_o will_v often_o stop_v my_o ear_n my_o carriage_n be_v very_o rugged_a and_o cross_a contrary_a to_o my_o natural_a temper_n here_o i_o practise_v many_o device_n to_o make_v away_o myself_o sometime_o by_o spider_n as_o before_o sometime_o endeavour_v to_o let_v myself_o blood_n with_o a_o pair_n of_o sharp_a scissors_n and_o so_o bleed_v to_o death_n once_o when_o the_o surgeon_n have_v let_v i_o blood_n i_o go_v up_o into_o a_o chamber_n and_o bolt_v the_o door_n to_o i_o and_o take_v off_o the_o plaster_n and_o tie_v my_o arm_n and_o set_v the_o vein_n a_o bleed_a again_o which_o mrs._n walker_n fear_v run_v up_o stair_n and_o get_v into_o the_o chamber_n to_o i_o i_o see_v she_o come_v in_o run_v into_o the_o lead_n and_o there_o my_o arm_n bleed_v upon_o the_o wall_n now_o say_v i_o you_o may_v see_v there_o be_v the_o blood_n of_o a_o curse_a reprobate_n i_o please_v myself_o often_o with_o contrive_v how_o to_o get_v into_o a_o wood_n and_o die_v there_o and_o one_o morning_n i_o cunning_o get_v out_o from_o my_o cousin_n and_o go_v into_o smithfield_n where_o i_o walk_v up_o and_o down_o a_o great_a while_n and_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v at_o last_o i_o try_v to_o hire_v a_o coach_n but_o like_v not_o the_o man_n there_o then_o i_o go_v into_o aldersgate-street_n and_o ask_v a_o coachman_n what_o he_o will_v take_v to_o carry_v i_o to_o barnet_n for_o then_o i_o mean_v to_o go_v into_o a_o wood_n but_o the_o man_n upon_o some_o small_a occasion_n sad_o curse_v and_o swear_v which_o strike_v some_o terror_n into_o i_o what_o think_v i_o must_v such_o as_o this_o be_v my_o companion_n for_o ever_o and_o so_o go_v away_o from_o he_o and_o find_v one_o with_o a_o good_a honest_a look_n and_o with_o he_o i_o agree_v and_o be_v to_o give_v he_o eight_o shilling_n who_o carry_v i_o a_o good_a way_n beyond_o highgate_n and_o as_o i_o go_v along_o i_o think_v be_o i_o now_o go_v to_o converse_v with_o devil_n with_o such_o like_a thought_n as_o these_o i_o be_v discourage_v from_o go_v on_o and_o call_v to_o the_o coachman_n and_o pray_v he_o to_o drive_v back_o again_o and_o tell_v he_o it_o be_v only_o a_o melancholy_a fancy_n by_o these_o and_o several_a other_o way_n i_o think_v to_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n but_o the_o watchful_a eye_n of_o the_o lord_n always_o gracious_o prevent_v i_o when_o i_o hear_v any_o dreadful_a thing_n cry_v about_o the_o street_n in_o book_n i_o will_v say_v oh_o what_o fearful_a thing_n will_v be_v put_v out_o of_o i_o ere_o long_o in_o book_n i_o will_v say_v i_o shall_v be_v call_v allen_n that_o curse_a apostate_n when_o i_o have_v try_v many_o way_n to_o make_v away_o myself_o and_o still_o see_v god_n prevent_v my_o design_n i_o will_v say_v to_o myself_o well_o i_o see_v it_o can_v be_v it_o must_v not_o be_v god_n will_v have_v i_o come_v to_o some_o fearful_a end_n and_o its_o fit_a it_o shall_v be_v so_o that_o god_n may_v glorify_v himself_o upon_o such_o a_o wretched_a creature_n as_o i_o be_v go_v along_o the_o street_n a_o godly_a minister_n pass_v by_o i_o oh_o think_v i_o with_o what_o horror_n shall_v i_o see_v that_o face_n at_o the_o great_a day_n so_o will_v i_o think_v by_o many_o other_o of_o god_n people_n that_o i_o know_v either_o relation_n or_o otherwise_o i_o say_v i_o exceed_o wonder_v that_o such_o a_o pious_a man_n as_o i_o hear_v my_o father_n be_v shall_v have_v such_o a_o child_n i_o use_v to_o say_v i_o will_v change_v condition_n with_o julian_n and_o that_o he_o be_v a_o saint_n in_o comparison_n of_o i_o nay_o that_o the_o devil_n himself_o be_v a_o saint_n compare_v with_o i_o i_o will_v say_v that_o the_o hot_a place_n in_o hell_n must_v be_v i_o nay_o do_v you_o know_v i_o you_o will_v say_v it_o be_v too_o good_a for_o i_o though_o i_o poor_a creature_n can_v think_v so_o when_o i_o complain_v of_o those_o dreadful_a sin_n i_o say_v i_o be_v guilty_a of_o some_o will_v ask_v i_o if_o i_o will_v be_v glad_a to_o be_v rid_v of_o they_o and_o to_o be_v in_o another_o condition_n yes_o say_v i_o so_o have_v the_o devil_n who_o do_v you_o think_v will_v not_o be_v happy_a but_o i_o can_v desire_v it_o upon_o any_o other_o account_n i_o will_v say_v i_o now_o see_v that_o my_o faith_n be_v only_o a_o fancy_n and_o that_o according_a to_o a_o expression_n of_o mr._n baxter_n in_o a_o book_n of_o he_o that_o the_o love_n i_o former_o have_v to_o god_n be_v carnal_a and_o diabolical_a i_o will_v say_v to_o my_o cousin_n walker_n though_o i_o be_o a_o damn_a reprobate_n yet_o from_o i_o believe_v for_o sometime_o the_o devil_n speak_v truth_n that_o there_o be_v a_o god_n and_o that_o his_o word_n be_v true_a and_o that_o there_o be_v a_o devil_n and_o that_o there_o be_v a_o hell_n which_o i_o must_v find_v by_o woeful_a experience_n i_o will_v often_o ask_v my_o cousin_n walker_n what_o those_o that_o come_v to_o visit_v i_o think_v of_o my_o condition_n he_o will_v answer_v very_o well_o i_o much_o wonder_v at_o it_o and_o will_v do_v what_o i_o can_v to_o discourage_v they_o from_o come_v yet_o if_o at_o any_o time_n i_o think_v they_o neglect_v i_o i_o will_v be_v secret_o trouble_v as_o afterward_o i_o say_v i_o be_v wont_v earnest_o to_o inquire_v whether_o it_o be_v possible_a that_o the_o child_n of_o such_o a_o mother_n as_o i_o can_v be_v save_v yet_o i_o will_v say_v i_o be_v without_o natural_a affection_n that_o i_o love_v neither_o god_n nor_o man_n and_o that_o i_o be_v give_v up_o to_o work_v all_o manner_n of_o wickedness_n with_o greediness_n we_o see_v no_o such_o thing_n by_o you_o will_v some_o say_v i_o will_v answer_v i_o but_o it_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n why_o do_v it_o not_o break_v out_o in_o act_n say_v they_o it_o will_v do_v ere_o long_o say_v i_o the_o devil_n will_v bring_v many_o place_n of_o scripture_n to_o my_o mind_n especial_o promise_v as_o i_o say_v to_o jeer_v i_o with_o they_o because_o once_o i_o think_v i_o delight_v in_o they_o but_o be_v miserable_o mistake_v which_o do_v much_o terrify_v i_o i_o will_v with_o dread_a think_v with_o myself_o if_o the_o man_n of_o beth-shemesh_a be_v so_o destroy_v 1_o sam._n vi_o 19_o but_o for_o look_v into_o the_o ark_n what_o will_v be_v my_o condemnation_n that_o have_v so_o often_o meddle_v with_o the_o holy_a ordinance_n of_o god_n as_o the_o word_n and_o sacrament_n and_o now_o prove_v to_o be_v only_o a_o curse_a hypocrite_n and_o nothing_o to_o do_v with_o they_o i_o think_v with_o myself_o then_o i_o will_v not_o partake_v of_o the_o sacrament_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n for_o a_o thousand_o world_n when_o any_o friend_n desire_v i_o to_o go_v to_o hear_v the_o word_n of_o god_n i_o will_v earnest_o beg_v of_o they_o to_o let_v i_o alone_o say_v i_o have_v sermon_n enough_o to_o answer_v for_o already_o and_o that_o it_o will_v add_v to_o my_o great_a account_n if_o they_o offer_v to_o compel_v i_o to_o go_v i_o will_v desire_v they_o to_o let_v i_o alone_o and_o i_o will_v go_v with_o they_o the_o next_o time_n if_o i_o live_v till_o then_o but_o my_o
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nothing_o to_o say_v to_o you_o say_v i_o mr._n shorthose_n take_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n and_o say_v come_v come_v lay_v down_o those_o tongue_n and_o go_v with_o we_o into_o the_o parlour_n which_o i_o do_v and_o there_o they_o discourse_v with_o i_o till_o they_o have_v bring_v i_o to_o so_o calm_a and_o friendly_a a_o temper_n that_o when_o they_o go_v i_o accompany_v they_o to_o the_o door_n and_o say_v methinks_v i_o be_o loath_a to_o part_v with_o they_o mr._n shorthose_n have_v so_o good_a encouragement_n come_v the_o next_o day_n again_o be_v sabbath_n day_n after_o dinner_n and_o prevail_v with_o i_o to_o walk_v with_o he_o into_o a_o arbour_n in_o the_o orchard_n where_o he_o have_v much_o discourse_n with_o i_o and_o among_o the_o rest_n he_o entreat_v i_o to_o go_v home_o with_o he_o which_o after_o long_a persuasion_n both_o from_o he_o and_o my_o aunt_n i_o consent_v to_o upon_o this_o condition_n that_o he_o promise_v i_o he_o will_v not_o compel_v i_o to_o any_o thing_n 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and_o have_v overcome_v they_o because_o great_a be_v he_o that_o be_v in_o you_o than_o he_o that_o be_v in_o the_o world_n the_o end_n