Questions whether the truth of Grace could consist with such sins for then I began to fear I was an Hypocrite and that place I thought upon with much dread in Job viii 13. The Hypocrites hope shall perish nor had I any ease longer than I was thus discoursing with him for though he often silenced my Objections and I seemed for the present to be much satisfied yet he was no sooner gone from me but my troubles returned afresh insomuch that his Wife would often send for him home when he was but gone into the Fields While I was there the Devil would suggest something to this purpose to me That when I was gone from him he would torment me After some stay there I returned home again where quickly I began to grow into deep Despair It was my custom for several years before to write in a Book I kept for that purpose in Short-Hand the Promises together with my Temptations and other afflictions and my experiences how God delivered me out of them mixing therewith Prayer and Praises which practice I continued till I was overwhelmed with despair some few passages whereof are here inserted as they were written in my deep distress This Book in my Affliction I would oft say would rise up in Judgment against me As I was walking with my Cousin Mrs. Shorthose a Woman cursed and sware sadly Ah Cousin said I I have abhorred such Company all my Life therefore I hope they shall not be my Companions to Eternity This being the 20th Feb. 63. is a time of great trouble and bitter Melancholy and one great cause is for want of the light of God's Countenance and for fear that if I should have any mercy shewed me I should abuse it and my wretchedly deceitful heart be drawn aside from God for I am only fit for the School of Affliction and on the other hand if God should send some further trials I should sink under them and my Life be made a burthen to me But Lord sure this is the voice of my wretched unbelieving heart The Lord for Christ's sake fit me for what ever thou wilt do with me that I may have power again Sin and Satan and enjoy the light of thy Countenance and then do with me what thou wilt Oh that I might prevail with my Lord for Christ's sake for graces suitable to every condition and that I may be able to improve every mercy and every affliction to thy glory and the comfort of my poor Soul and that I may be useful in my Generation and not be burthensom Lord pity my state for Christ's sake who hath never left me in my trials The sixth of April 64. The truth is I know not well what to say for as yet I am under sad Melancholy and sometimes dreadful Temptations to have hard thoughts of my dearest Lord The least assenting to which by his grace I dread more than Hell it self Temptations to impatience and despair and to give up all for lost and to close with the Devil and forsake my God which the Almighty for Christ's sake forbid These Temptations were with dreadful violence Besides my Melancholy hath bad effects upon my body greatly impairing my Health Truly there is sometimes such a woful confusion and combating in my Soul that I know not what to do And now my earnest Prayer to my Lord is this which I trust for Christ's sake he will not deny me though I cannot beg it with such earnest affections as I should yet I hope my heart is sincere that for my sweet Redeemer's sake he would preserve me from Sin and give me strength of Faith and Self-denial and patience to wait upon him and submit to him and let him do with me what he pleaseth My God I know thou hast for ever adored be thy Majesty appeared for me in many great and sore straits for the Lord Jesus sake now appear in mercy for me that I may have exceeding cause to bless thee for this thy mercy also and give me an assurance that thou art mine and that thou wilt never leave me till thou hast brought me to thy Self in glory The 12th of May 64. Still my time of great distress and sore trials continues sometimes the Devil tempts me wofully to hard and strange thoughts of my dear Lord which through his mercy I dread and abhor the assenting to more than Hell it self in a word every day at present seems a great burthen to me My earnest Prayer is For the Lords sake that if it be thy holy will I might not perish in this great affliction which hath been of so long continuance and is so great still notwithstanding means used however for the Lords sake let it be Sanctified to my eternal good and give me grace suitable to my condition and strength to bear my burthen and then do with me what thou wilt I know not what to say the Lord pity me in every respect and appear for me in these my great straits both of Soul and Body I know not what to do I shall be undone This I write to see what God will do with me whether ever he will deliver me out of such a distress as this that I may have cause to praise and adore his name in the Land of the Living Lord comfort me and support me and revive me for Christ's sake May 26th 64. I desire which the Lord help me to do exceedingly to bless and praise thy Majesty that hath yet in some measure supported me under these dreadful trials and temptations which do yet continue and have been woful upon me for almost four Months together For Christ's sake pity my case or else I know not what to do and do not deny me strength to bear up under my burthen and for the Lord's sake grant whatever thou dost with me that one Sin may not be in me unrepented of or unmortified Do with me what thou wilt as to the Creature so thou wilt subdue my sins and chain up Sathan and smile upon my Soul Lord I know not what to do only mine Eyes are up to thee the Devil still keeps me under dreadful bondage and in sad distress and wo but blessed be my God that he doth not lay upon me all afflictions at once that my Child is so well and that I have so many other mercies which the Lord open my Eyes to see especially that Christ is mine for the Lord's sake and then I have enough After this I writ no more but this and much more I writ before my last Journey aforesaid for by that time I came back I soon after fell into deep Despair and my language and condition grew sadder than before Now little to be heard from me but lamenting my woful state in very sad and dreadful Expressions As that I was undone for ever that I was worse than Cain or Judas that now the Devil had overcome me irrecoverably that this was what he had been aiming at all along Oh
you me of Possession I cared not if I were possest with a Thousand Devils so I were not a Devil to my self When some had told me that I had been Prayed for I would Answer I was the less beholding to them for it would but sink me the deeper into Hell I would often say I was a thousand times worse than the Devil for the Devil had never committed such Sins as I had for I had committed worse Sins than the Sin against the Holy-Ghost some would answer The Scripture speaks not of worse sins and can you be guilty of greater Sins than the Scripture mentions Yes said I My Sins are so great that if all the Sins of all the Devils and Damned in Hell and all the Reprobates on Earth were comprehended in one man mine are greater There is no word comes so near the comprehension of the dreadfulness of my Condition as that I am the Monster of the Creation in this word I much delighted I would say Let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he fall I once thought my self to stand but am miserably fallen When I was forc'd to be present at Duty I would often stop my Ears my Carriage was very rugged and cross contrary to my natural temper Here I practised many devices to make away my self sometimes by Spiders as before sometimes endeavouring to let my self blood with a pair of sharp sizers and so bleed to death once when the Surgeon had let me blood I went up into a Chamber and bolted the Door to me and took off the Plaister and tyed my Arm and set the Vein a bleeding again which Mrs. Walker fearing ran up stairs and got into the Chamber to me I seeing her come in ran into the Leads and there my Arm bled upon the Wall Now said I you may see there is the blood of a Cursed Reprobate I pleased my self often with contriving how to get into a Wood and dye there and one morning I cunningly got out from my Cousins and went into Smithfield where I walked up and down a great while and knew not what to do at last I tryed to hire a Coach but liked not the men there then I went into Aldersgate-street and asked a Coach-man what he would take to carry me to Barnet for then I meant to go into a Wood but the man upon some small occasion sadly Cursed and Swore which struck some Terrour into me what thought I must such as this be my Companions for ever and so went away from him and found one with a good honest look and with him I agreed and was to give him Eight Shillings who carryed me a good way beyond High-Gate and as I went along I thought am I now going to Converse with Devils with such like Thoughts as these I was discouraged from going on and called to the Coach-man and prayed him to drive back again and told him it was only a Melancholy Fancy By these and several other ways I thought to put an End to my Life but the watchful Eye of the Lord always graciously prevented me When I heard any dreadful thing cryed about the Streets in Books I would say Oh what fearful things will be put out of me ere long in Books I would say I should be called Allen that Cursed Apostate When I had tryed many ways to make away my self and still saw God prevented my designs I would say to my self Well I see it cannot be it must not be God will have me come to some fearful End and its fit it should be so that God may glorifie himself upon such a wretched Creature As I was going along the Streets a Godly Minister passing by me Oh thought I with what horrour shall I see that face at the great day so would I think by many others of Gods people that I knew either Relations or otherwise I said I exceedingly wondred that such a Pious man as I heard my Father was should have such a Child I used to say I would change conditions with Julian and that he was a Saint in comparison of me Nay That the Devil himself was a Saint compared with me I would say That the hottest place in Hell must be mine nay did you know me you would say it were too good for me tho' I poor Creature cannot think so When I complained of those dreadful Sins I said I was guilty of some would Ask me If I would be glad to be rid of 'em and to be in another Condition Yes said I so had the Devils who do you think would not be happy but I cannot desire it upon any other Account I would say I now saw that my Faith was only a Fancy and that according to an Expression of Mr. Baxters in a Book of his That the Love I formerly had to God was Carnal and Diabolical I would say to my Cousin Walker Tho' I am a damned Reprobate yet from me believe for sometimes the Devil speaks Truth that there is a God and that his Word is true and that there is a Devil and that there is an Hell which I must find by woful Experience I would often Ask my Cousin Walker What those that came to visit me thought of my Condition he would Answer Very well I much wondred at it and would do what I could to discourage 'em from coming yet if at any time I thought they neglected me I would be secretly troubled as afterward I said I was wont earnestly to Enquire whether it was possible that the Child of such a Mother as I could be saved yet I would say I was without Natural Affection that I Loved neither God nor Man and that I was given up to work all manner of wickedness with greediness We see no such thing by you would some say I would Answer I but it is in my heart Why doth it not break out in Act say they It will do ere long said I. The Devil would bring many places of Scripture to my mind especially Promises as I said to Jear me with them because once I thought I delighted in them but was miserably mistaken which did much terrifie me I would with Dread think with my self if the men of Beth-shemesh were so destroyed 1 Sam. vi 19. but for looking into the Ark what will be my Condemnation that have so often medled with the Holy Ordinances of God as the Word and Sacraments and now proved to be only a Cursed Hypocrite and nothing to do with them I thought with my self then I would not partake of the Sacrament of the Lords Supper for a thousand worlds When any Friend desired me to go to hear the Word of God I would earnestly beg of them to let me alone saying I had Sermons enough to Answer for already and that it would add to my great Account if they offer'd to compel me to go I would desire them to let me alone and I would go with them the next time if I lived till then but my
when she began to speak with me of such things I would generally fling away in a great fume and say Will you not let me alone yet methinks you might let me have a little quiet while I am out of Hell this was almost my daily practice while I was with my Aunt I was usually very nimble in my Answers and peevishly pettinacious to please my own cross humour My Aunt told me she believed God would not have exercised me so with Afflictions from my Child-hood if he intended to reject me at last I answer'd Do you not remember what Mr. Calamy used to say That unsanctified Afflictions par-boyle the Soul for hell Oh said I that I had gone to hell as soon as I had been born seeing I was born to be damned and then I had not had so many sins to have answer'd for then I should not have lived to be a Terrour to my self and all that know me and my Torments in Hell would have been far less When my Grandmother had told me of the depths of the Mercy of God in Christ I would answer with indignation What do you tell me of a Christ it had been better for me if there had never been a Saviour then I should have gone to Hell at a Cheaper Rate Towards Winter I grew to Eat very little much less than I did before so that I was exceeding Lean and at last nothing but Skin and Bones a Neighbouring Gentlewoman a very discreet Person that had a great desire to see me came in at the back-door of the House unawares and found me in the Kitchen who after she had seen me said to Mrs. Wilson She cannot live she hath death in her face I would say still that every bit I did Eat hastned my Ruin and that I had it with a dreadful Curse and what I Eat encreased the Fire within me which would at last burn me up and I would now willingly live out of Hell as long as I could Thus sadly I passed that Winter and towards Spring I began to Eat a little better This Spring in April 1666. my good Friends Mr. Shorthose and his Wife whose Company formerly I much delighted in came over and when I heard they were come and were at their Brothers house half a mile off and would come thither the Fryday after Ah says I that I dreaded I cannot endure to see him nor hear his voice I have told him so many dreadful Lyes meaning what I had formerly told him of my experiences and as I thought infallible evidences of the Love of God towards me and now believed my self to be the vilest Creature upon Earth I cannot see his face and wept tenderly wherewith my Aunt was much affected and promised that when he came he should not see me I would have seen neither of them but especially my He-Cousin On the Fryday soon after they came in they asked for me but my Aunt put them off till after Dinner and then told them she had engaged her word they should not see me and that if she once broke her promise with me I would not believe her hereafter with such persuasions she kept them from seeing me but not satisfied them for that Night Mr. Shorthose was much troubled and told his Wife if he had thought they must not have seen me he would scarce have gone to Snelstone the next day they Supped at Mr. Robert Archer's House Mrs. Wilson's Brother that then lived in the same Town where my Aunt Supped with them at the Table something was said of their not seeing Mrs. Allen but after Supper Mr. Shorthose and his Wife stole away from the Company to Mrs. Wilsons where they came in at the back-side of the House suddenly into the Kitchen where I was but assoon as I saw them I cryed out in a violent manner several times Ah Aunt Wilson hast thou serv'd me so and ran into the Chimney and took up the Tongs No said they Your Aunt knows not of our coming What do you do here said I We have something to say to you said they but I have nothing to say to you said I Mr. Shorthose took me by the hand and said Come come lay down those Tongs and go with us into the Parlour which I did and there they discoursed with me till they had brought me to so calm and friendly a temper that when they went I accompanied them to the door and said Methinks I am loth to part with them Mr. Shorthose having so good encouragement came the next day again being Sabbath day after Dinner and prevailed with me to walk with him into an Arbour in the Orchard where he had much discourse with me and amongst the rest he entreated me to go home with him which after long persuasions both from him and my Aunt I consented to upon this condition that he promised me he would not compell me to any thing of the Worship of God but what he could do by persuasion and that week I went with them where I spent that Summer in which time it pleased God by Mr. Shorthose's means to do me much good both in Soul and Body he had some skill in Physick himself and also consulted with Physicians about me he kept me to a course of Physick most part of the Summer except when the great heat of the Weather prevented I began much to leave my dreadful expressions concerning my condition and was present with them at duty and at last they prevailed with me to go with them to the publick Ordinance and to walk with them to visit Friends and was much alter'd for the better A Fortnight after Michaelmas my Aunt fetch'd me home again to Snelston where I passed that Winter much better than formerly and was pretty conformable and orderly in the Family and the next Summer was much after the same manner but grew still something better and the next Winter likewise still mending though but slowly till the Spring began and then I changed much from my retiredness and delighted to walk with Friends abroad And this Spring it pleased God to provide a very suitable Match for me one Mr. Charles Hatt a Widdower living in Warwickshire with whom I live very comfortably both as to my inward and outward man my husband being one that truly fears God As my Melancholy came by degrees so it wore off by degrees and as my dark Melancholy bodily distempers abated so did my spiritual Maladies also and God convinced me by degrees that all this was from Satan his delusions and temptations working in those dark and black humors and not from my self and this God cleared up to me more and more and accordingly my love to and delight in Religion increased and it is my desire that lest this great Affliction should be a stumbling-block to any it may be known seeing my Case is publish'd that I evidently perceive that God did it in much mercy and faithfulness to my Soul and though for the present it was a bitter Cup yet that it was but what the only wise God saw I had need of according to that place 1 Pet. i. 6. Tho' now for a season if need be ye are in heaviness through manifold Temptations Which Scripture did much comfort me under my former Afflictions in my first Husbands days These Promises which are here set down were great supports and refreshments to me in the time of my various Temptations and Afflictions all along till I fell into deep despair for from my Child-hood God Exercised me with manifold Trials Isaiah xliii 1 2. BVT now thus saith the Lord that Created thee O Jacob and he that formed thee O Israel fear not for I have redeemed thee I have called thee by thy Name thou art mine Vers 2. When thou passest through the Waters I will be with thee and through the Rivers James v. 11. Behold we count them happy which Endure ye have heard of the Patience of Job and have seen the End of the Lord that the Lord is very pitiful and of tender mercy 1 John iv 4. Ye are of God little Children and have overcome them because greater is he that is in you than he that is in the World THE END