will have many then revell in Joys and steal a thousand pleasures I have a Brain was never barren yet especially in any Love Projection Eud. Thanks to your subtle Man your vigilant Spywell his Name was not giv'n him for nothing Gen. True Madam I confess he has a ready Wit but never yet durst undertake an Action before the Mass was cast by me he only works and thus divides the whole as our Occasions happen the drift of which is to obtain your Love Eud. Which Purchas'd will perhaps be answer'd with a scorn Gen. Never O never Madam it is impossible such glorious Charms should meet the least neglect you are all Goodness and Entrance at every look my Soul Enter Spywell Spyw. Haste or you 're lost for ever your Jealous Husband prompted by his Rage comes first to search the Chamber he is all fire and nothing can allay him Eud. What shall we doe Gen. Stand here and meet his Fury Spyw. O by no means is there no secret Chamber no place of safety for you Eud. Only one this door leads to a Gallery which is as dark as night from whence sometimes he fancies are groans heard which he declares for Truth and now and then relates what dreadfull Monsters Ghosts and Devils he in his Bed hath seen all being only Fancies idle Dreams thither we will enter and as we goe I 'll give you a Disguise which I have alwaies ready and if he chance to enter with a Light tumble both down together Spyw. It shall be done fear not haste haste I hear him coming Exeunt Enter Sir Arthur and Bramble Bramble with a Light Arth. On on you villain on Looks about the Room not here by Heaven nor here Breaks open one Door nor here Breaks open another She is in the Garden that 's certain stay stay hold hold here is a Gallery a Teneberian Gullet which I dare not enter but Bramble shall in in in there Rascall search every place nay every Corner or meet my high displeasure Bramble Enters is Tumbled down by Spywell rowls out and is followed by Spywell as a Ghost Arthur seeing him runs off crying the Devil the Devil c. and Bramble crawls off Spyw. Come come you may venture to come out now Enter Eudoria and Sir Generall Amorous Gen. He 's gone as full of fear as Jelousy Eudoria this plot was yours and henceforth to you I 'll own my Preservation Spyw. This is no time to talk Madam haste to your Bed and there pretend a sleep I know you want not fitting words t' excuse so small an absence if he should chance to search and find you And you Sir haste to your Chamber I know that 's the next Randezvous after the Garden Gen. Farewell my Prayers and Love attend you Exeunt severally SCENE The Garden Enter Twiford Emelia and Flora. Twif. Nay nay come come come my pretty Cousins upon my honour and all that you are both Beauties but especially Lady Cousin you as the Eldest ought to have most praise and i'faith you deserve it nobly and when saw you my Lord Iohn and his Lady Mary ha Emel I know 'em not Twif. What not my very good Friend and Honourable Cousin my Lord Iohn that 's strange indeed why he was my Fathers Cobler but afterwards by Care and Prudence good Custome and so forth he became an Alderman and then Enter Sir Arthur and Bramble what my Honourable Cousin Sir Arthur I vow I am glad to see you my Lady Mary is very considerably well and truely I believe we shall have Affairs put into a very good order and Cousin Arthur your two Daughters and I have been entertaining Discourse upon a very considerable subject Arth. Pox of your subjects Emelia where is Eudoria Emel In her Chamber Sir Arth. 'T is false all all are Traytors every one conspires my Ruine and Disgrace but you shall pay for it Villain you shall I 'll firk you i'faith you must tell Lies with a Pox get you from my sight you Varlet Beats Bramb Bramb So I will and from your Service too the Devil shall live with such a Master for me farewell Sir may the Pox and your own Horns choak you Exit Bramble Arth. Is he gone is the Villain gone Flor. Yes Sir Arth. What did he say Twif. Something about Horns and Pox but by my Honour Coz I believe he 's Frantick for what has a Clown to doe either with Pox or Horns they are Ornaments only for Court and City Arth. But Emelia Flora nay good Girles tell me where where where is Eudoria where is my new Lodger Emel As for Sir Amorous I know not but for Eudoria I saw her in her Chamber Flor. And so did I Sir Amorous Arth. Nay then 't is pretty well 't is pretty well I am almost mad dear Girles this Rogue Bramble has Cashier'd my Wits Pox of the Garden key but 't is no matter Emelia I have a Husband for you a Rich and Understanding Husband Emel Nay if he be but Rich I 'll bate his Understanding that is too troublesome a Companion for a Woman Arth. All all of the same Brood be Heaven not one Chast Woman in a Kingdom if there be one 't is a Miracle Ex. all but Emelia Emel This is the Curse of Wedlock hourly Jealousies and daily Troubles if ever I marry it shall be one both Deaf Dumb Lame and Blind They 're all but Complements for hourly Strife And with new Troubles daily fill the Life Of her who 's such a sot to be a Wife Exit The End of the First Act. ACT II. SCENE St. Iames's Enter Sir Generall Amorous Gen. MY Thoughts are all on fire my Pulse beats swift and every Motion ushers a new thought I 'm all Desire and Love and fain would reap those pleasures are in View oh Jelousy how dost thou wrong that Love might be enjoy'd without the least Suspect how many various waies do we Conspire to blind his greedy Eyes I wonder Bramble stayes so long our hasty separation hindred a new Appointment which I was forc'd to send by one I would not trust did he not hate Sir Arthur Enter Bramble Bramble the News Bramb The News Sir Gen. Yes how doth Eudoria Bramb Soft soft Sir you think it is nothing to get News out of a Ladies Chamber where her Husband is the Jaylor I was there Sir Gen. Well Bramb As you know a merry fellow may pass any where Gen. So Sir but what is this to the purpose Bramb Nay it was nothing to the purpose that is certain Gen. How wretched this slave makes me did you not see her Bramb I saw her Gen. Well and what said she then Bramb Not a word Sir Gen. How not a Word Bramb Proves her the better temper'd for Women should be seen more than they are heard She was asleep Sir Gen. You should have waked her then such another oppornuity lost would be enough to ruine half a Kingdome Bramb I durst not venture that
I hope to be sav'd I saw her Sir she laugh'd extreamly Arth. Peace Hell-hound or Pox of the babling Aside Dog all 's spoil'd now Alas Sir Amorous my Man is Frantick as mad as a March Hare my Wife Laughing she is the most melancholy Creature in Europe she never Smiles nor Laughs unless at Prayers or at Church Gen. Be not so angry Sir he might mistake Arth. A Pox of his Mistakes I hate 'em Sir Frets up and down Gen. Come hither Bramble is thy Mistress sick Bramb O law Sir Gen. Nay tell me Sir Arthur shall be pleas'd how does thy Lady Bramb Well Sir well Arth. Is she so Rascall Strikes Bramble Pardon me Sir Amorous A man may have leave to jeast with his Friend intruth he may she is within indeed she is I did not intend to hinder her your Company only to raise your Expectations to a pitch Call in your Mistress Rascall Now shall I be made a Cuckold before my face Ex. Bramble I know I shall if I prevent it not Aside I believe Mr. Amorous you take me for a Jealous man a very Jealous fool I 'le warrant you such another as Contentious Surly is But i'faith you are mistaken for my Pigsny is too Virtuous to have the least mistrust upon her she is indeed Gen. I must confess Contentious Surly Rules more like a Mad-man than a Husband and looks upon his Wife not with the Eyes of Reason but of Rage who is all Innocence and Goodness and I dare swear would not wrong her Husband Arth. Not for a World I know she would not Alas poor Lady this it is to have Chastity and Goodness lodg'd under a Jealous Roof I thank my Stars I am free from it Gen. You are the Happier Man Sir Arthur Enter Eudoria Emilia and Bramble But yonder comes the Comfort of my Soul who like a Glittering Star points all its Beams this way whilst I the only Wretched of Mankind dare but admire and gaze Arth. Sir Amorous be Complaisant I prethee be I am not Jealous fack I am not what look upon a Lady and not dare salute her Gen. Indeed I dare not my Oath has bound me from so great a Blessing Arth. Nay if you have Sworn I have done Gen. However to oblige so good a Friend I will be perjur'd once Goes to Eudoria Madam I hope my strangeness will not appear Rude or Unmannerly for in your Eyes I read a Happy Fate and Glorious Blessings wait on every smile but when they 're Check'd by the malign Aspect of such a dogged Planet I must only with this Retire Kisses her Hand Eud. 'T is my Ill fortune Sir to live a Stranger from the Blest society of man and only Eat and Drink and Sleep with an all-seeing Argus who is I know not what Gen. I can but pity for a time then strive to get your Freedome Kisses her Hand again Arth. Why that 's well said to her again Boy to her again Intruth she hath as good a Hand as any she in Europe Enter Twiford Twif. Good Morrow Cousin Arthur and you Cousin Eudoria and you Cousin Emilia I protest my Lady Cousins at Court are extreamly Well Extraordinarily Jocost and Pleasant and my Lord had the Mighty Fortune just now to win a hundred Guinnies of the Earle my Cousin and how fares my Lord Amorous What Dogged Gen. No Mr. Twiford so far from that I ne're was better pleas'd Twif. I 'le tell you my Lord th' effects of this day 's Hunting The Duke my Uncle and my Lord my Extraordinary good Friend and Cousin would needs take me in their Coach to go a Hunting Arth. How in their Coach Mr. Twiford Twif. Yes in their Coach Cousin Arthur Alas 't is the fashion now all a Mode indeed and being come to Hide Park we unbrac'd the Horses put our Hats underneath for Saddles and run the four mile Course so pleasantly but by my Honour I beat 'em a whole Coach length Poal and all Arth. I do believe you Mr. Amorous my new Friend and Lodger welcome once more come let 's retire the Morning Ayr is bleak Twyf It is indeed my Cousin Arthur advises well and truly I am something weary for I just now came from Hampton Court And upon my word my Cousin is very well and all the rest of the Lords and Ladies at Court they are indeed Arth. I am glad to hear it come Sir Generall Twif. Indeed Cousin you are very obliging nay without Ceremony my Lord. Exeunt Spywell calls Bramble back Spyw. Hark How long have you lived here Bramb Too long by a fortnight sixteen days Spyw. What and weary of thy Service already Bramb The Devil cannot live Contentedly under my Masters Roof we are all Prisoners and he the head Jaylour Sometimes but very seldome I have the Keeping of my Lady Spyw. What under Lock and Key Bramb Yes and Bolts and Barrs too he is as Jealous as he is Old as Old as he is Crafty and as Crafty as the Devil Nothing can Cozen him Spyw. Nor Cuckold him neither Bramb I believe not for all my Lady has a mind to it She smil'd upon me the other day and the Jealous Coxcomb brake my Head for 't Spyw. 'T was ill done indeed Here canst thou be secret Gives him Money Bramb As a Churchwarden let all the poors Money slip into my Pocket and not declare it Spyw. You are fit for my Masters turn then know that Sir Generall Amorous was sent hither by Contentious Surley to Cuckold your Master but he knowing no design could be brought about without the help of some Servant or other in the house ordered me to make Choice of one whom I should think Convenient Bram. I shall be glad to serve you Sir Spyw. I am not Unsensible your Lady every Afternoon walks into the Garden where over the purling Fountain she mourns for the Loss she sustains in having only the Ruins of a Man Bramb True Sir Spyw. She being entered I would have you oblige me with the Key of the Garden Gate that my Master may go in and out at pleasure Bramb It shall be done Sir Spyw. That 's all at present but fail not Bramb I will not Sir I will not This shall to my Master perhaps he will reward me nobly for saving his honour and keeping his Horns from Budding Exit Spyw. With this first Plot I 'll try the hasty Servant which if he spoil I value not for nothing shall be acted I have told him but every Wheel move in another Frame I 've help'd Contentious to his Horns already and it shall be hard if Twilight scape my Policy Exit Enter Contentious Surly and Petulant Easy Easy What have I done to merit your Disgrace Surly Enough Easy Have I in ought transgress'd the Laws of Wedlock Surly Yes Easy With whom Surly One whom I to day remov'd Sir Generall Amorous have I not seen him gaze upon your Face bask in the Sunshine of your Early favours
me embrace thee dear Rogue Embraces Sir Arthur Arth. Look Sir Geoffry mind that Girle that little Wag Flora would she not make a brisk she Magistrate ha would she not ha Geoff. Yes Sir yes a delicate Magistrate Arth. You shall see her Dance Sir Geoffry believe me she has Excellent Parts come Flora I'fack she shall be yours all over Flora Dances a Iig Arth. Excellent Girle i'fack take her Sir Geoffry take her I say she shall be yours i'fack she shall Entertains Eudoria in Dumb show Geoff. The little Rogue has Charm'd me she has won my heart again come little Wag what say you to a Country Magistrate now ha nay nay I have forgot all the Abuses all the Affronts you and your Sister put upon me I have upon my Honour Flor. You are too hasty Sir Geoffry you have my Fathers Consent I must confess but mine is yet to get and if you have me you must expect to be made a Geoff. Cuckold every day I know it very well 't is Hereditary to the Family but I 'll venture that come little Rogue Enter Twiford drest Ridiculously with Stockins of two severall Colours Breeches altogether out of Fashion and a Coat quite different from all and over this a Carpet cut so that his Head and Arms may come through and the rest hang like a Senators Gown Twif. Save you save you Ladies and you my Honourable Lords and very good Cousins you see I keep my word but upon my Honour it was something hard to put my self thus into the Fashion I was at least with a score Lords and Ladies all very considerable People who were very considerably pleas'd with my new Play and truely I believe it may do very honourably well but my Lord To Bramble You are a man of Wit and I know understand in a very Extraordinary manner I 'll show you my Comedy in the mean time pray Coz oblige me with a Bottle of Wine and a considerable quantity of Meat for mark you Coz I am a Wit and a very hungry Wit and between you and I those are the best sort of Wits Bramb A Hungry Wit I believe you here Sir Iohn here is what Sir Arthur's Table affords Gives Twiford Meat and Wine both sit down and Eat and Drink very greedily Arth. Will he not yield yet will he not be friends ha The Devil is in the man I think Aside Eud. He yet Sir is strangely averse to it but I doubt not at another meeting to compleat the Work and make you both friends again and that 's a very hard task but for your sake I 'll venture it Arth. Dear Love Night is a coming and then I say no more get Sir Generall to your Chamber work him work him to a height of Good nature and then bring me the happy tydings the joyfull news Eud. Where shall I find you Sir Arth. In my Study in my Study Dear I will make an excuse to the Company for my absence and expect your Answer Gentlemen pardon me for leaving you so soon a little business unthought of before our meeting just now came into my Head and wants to be dispatch'd be merry drink and be merry I 'll wait upon you presently Surly You know your time Sir Arth. Now will I steal into Eudorias's Chamber and obscure my self that I may hear how my Wife works him She has a notable Tongue and can wheedle a man Delicately she has indeed Aside Ex. Sir Arth. Twif. This is Delicate Food my Lord have you any more To Bramble Bramb Truly Sir Iohn no. Alas we live here amongst Canniballs within a short time after Dinner they will devour one another Twif. Truly your Cousins at York are very Considerably well and every thing is in a very decent Order and they are all Extreamly brave and Gallant why look you Cousin I am going to get a Commission I have already a Scarf Sword and Belt and such Appurtenances indeed they are the same I had at the Campain at Black-heath but still they are very Genteele and Modish All this while Sir Geoffry Entertains Flora in Dumb show Geoff. What say you now little Rogue ha Flor. I say I shall be the same I ever was the same jeasting jearing designing Woman Geoff. With all my heart Flor. I must must not be Curb'd Geoff. You shall not Flor. Nor be hindred of my Pleasure Geoff. You shall not Flor. Nor be lock'd up in my Chamber Geoff. Neither Flor. Then give me your Hand I 'm Yours Geoff. Not as you was before to Couzen me I hope Flor. The Minister shall confute you but we shall stay too long from the Company They go into the Scene and sit down the Scene closes Twif. My Lord you are very obliging and Madam Flora is very considerably in a good posture as affairs stand now and truly by the next month at the opening of the Campain she will be much bigger and fit for a Considerable command Bramb Shall we not have your Company my Lord Twif. Cousin I will wait upon you and be my Lord your most considerably Obliging Faithfull servant to command Exeunt SCENE Eudoria's Chamber Enter Sir Arthur Twilight Arth. Now I shall be made the happiest Citizen in London I shall indeed let me see where shall I hide my self to over-hear 'em I'fack under that Table it is a Delicate privacy and very fit for the purpose Creeps under the Table Enter Sir Generall Amorous and Eudoria Gen. Now Joy comes on apace and every minute produces new Delights We love without controle and tread those paths are pointed out by your late Jealous Husband and what before we studied for with care is by Sir Arthur flung into our Arms. Arth. Ha! what means this Aside Eud. Nothing 's more sweet than oft repeated Bliss especially to one whose Appetite has been so often dull'd by the Embracings of Old Age and Folly Arth. Ha! is this the Effects they are reconcil'd i'faith they are Aside Gen. Poor Senceless man that has the impudence to think a Woman can be mew'd up alone or feed upon a Sapless Tree by Heaven a Nunnery is Paradise to such a Ladies Chamber Arth. I can endure no longer and yet I dare not stir Aside Eud. Now we are all desires and reap each minute a World of New-born Pleasures whilst in that sordid thing a Feeble Husband we feed upon a wish and only live by the imaginary parts of Bliss Phantasms and Idle Dreams Arth. O Devil Devil Devil I shall be made a Cuckold I find I shall and dare not offer to prevent it neither Aside Gen. Let us be reall Lovers and meet our Flames with vigour I 'm talk'd into an Exstasy and shall expire by gazing on your Charms Eud. We talk away that time which should be spent in Pleasure Arth. A Whore a Whore by Heaven a common whore and I an Arrand Cuckold Aside Gen. I 've been too tardy my Eudoria and will be so no more Speak and move
whilst you as wantonly as common Sinners exchang'd both Smiles and Glances Easy Can you blame her for Civill Courtesies who smiles upon a man that brings you profit heaps up those Coffers which before were empty and all if I but smile Surly By Heav'n th' Ambassador for greater Sins him and his profits I 've remov'd from hence and will do from the world if you but name him more Enter a Servant Serv. Sir Geoffry Iolt just arriv'd desires you would oblige him with your Presence Surly I 'll wait upon him and do you hear be Wise and Circumspect with him I dare to trust you Exit cum Servant Easy Yes Wise enough to leave your surly Humour did I for this take you to my Embraces did with that Holy Curse on the fatall hour and Curse on me for yielding thus to an Eternall Bondage Tye of Matrimony Knit both our Souls together What shall I doe I must be free again Sir Generalls Charms have won so much upon me that now I dare prompted by the Ill usage of a Cruell Husband act all he has desired This very hour I will disguise my self and with that stock of Jewells I have left fly to my Amorous Lover and in his Arms repeat our stoln Delights But here comes that cruell Clog of Matrimony Husband Enter Contentious Surly and Sir Geoffry Jolthead Surley Sir Geoffry Welcome you know I am one of as few Ceremonies as Words which both I think are needless to a Friend Geoff. They are indeed Mr. Surly for my part I hate 'em I love nothing in the World but brisk Wine Compleat French Fashions and Aery young Women is that your Wife Sir Surly One I am forc'd to call so Geoff. She is very handsome by my Honour I must salute her Lady accept this kiss from a Country Magistrate one who admires any thing that belongs to my Dear and Respective Friend Surly Kisses Easy Easy I am happy then in being his Sir Geoff. You are indeed that word of Humility sounds so pleasantly and sweetly that by Iove I must Kisses her again have another I love a Lady that payes Obedience and Respect to her Lord and Master a Husband is the Head the very top Branch of the Family Easy I look upon him so indeed Geoff. Again again Lord how this Duty Charms me let me Embrace you for an hour together Kisses her again Surly How now why I shall foster up another Snake to sting my Bosome and one who through simplicity will do 't before my Face Easy I hope my Wisedome and Circumspection as he calls it will make the top Branch of the Family a Buck of the first Head Aside Geoff. As I was going to say Mr. Surly your Wife is a very Dutifull Religious and by my Honour a very obliging Lady your London Women kiss with such Art and so much Magnificence that they almost Ravish us Country Gentlemen did you teach her that turn and that thrust of the Lip ha by Iove 't is most Delicious Surly No Sir Geoff. Then she is Witty too Lord how I admire a Witty Lady learn that touch your self let me be ravish'd quite Embraces her again Surly Death and Confusion this is worse than t'other this is a meer Stallion I shall be the Branch I find it he tops upon her still and she Receives it Sir Geoffry Geoff. I beg your Pardon Mr. Surly I vow your Wife has such a Charming way of Kissing and presses it so close I had forgot my self Surly And so She has I think have you no shame thou Impudent'st of Women Easy Shame Sir Surly Yes shame Easy For what Surly To let the World behold your loose desires you kiss with Art and Pleasure Easy You bid me use him kindly bid me be Wise and Circumspect and said that you durst trust him with me and truely if you dare venture that I dare trust my self with him Surly Oh Impudence Easy You would have me turn the Cheek and blush when he comes near me as if I were afraid his Beard would hurt me No Mr. Surly I us'd him kindly out of respect to you and a thing once well done is better than twice ill Surly Distraction seize her get you to your Chamber Easy I 'm gone Sir and from you for ever Exit Easy Geoff. What send your Wife away and not give your Friend notice 't was unkindly done Surly Her business call'd her Geoff. I'faith She kisses smartly Surly I am glad to hear it Geoff. And is all Air too and for her breath Surly No more of that Sir Geoffry I am glad I have any thing to pleasure you Pox on him I cannot forbid him the house for shame nor must he stay to plague me Aside Geoff. Come come come I find you are melancholy let 's to a Tavern a glass or two of Champain will make us kiss and caper and get us a stomach to our Dinners Exeunt Enter Sir Arthur and Bramble Arth. My Wife made an Assignation to meet Amorous in the Garden Bramb It is nothing but truth I 'll promise you for his man Spywell gave me money not only to be a Confederate but to steal the Key of the Garden gate that he as well as my Lady might enter in and out at pleasure Arth. Did he so did he so Nay then there is Treason plotting against my honour I find there is and did you get the Key for him Bramble Bramb Yes Sir Arth. Did you so Rogue out upon thee for a Villain a Traytor a meer foot Pad a Setter Devil you gave him the Key did you I 'll key you with a Pox. Beats Bramble Bramb Hold Sir hold you will make Mummy of me else Arth. I will make a Devil of thee what my own Servant be a Traitor Bramb I thought no harm in it as I hope to be Arth. Beaten did you not what give the Key of your Masters Cabinet his Jewells his all he has and yet think no harm However come along conduct me to the place where I may see 'em both or I will beat you swindgingly nay when I have seen 'em I will make you beat the villain and then beat you for not beating him enough come along Rascall Exeunt SCENE A Bedchamber Sir Generall Amorous and Eudoria sitting as in Discourse they rise and come upon the Stage Gen. How shall I make amends for this great blessing if all the Services of Life which I 'll devote to you can make the least I vow to use 'em all and spend no time but in the company of you or your Idea which cannot be absent from a Lovers mind when his Mistress is so kind so Charming and so Eud. Nay do not flatter me I am but as you see my Face may pass and those which love it not let 'em seek out a better I am no whining Lover I hate those puling Fops I love a man that gains me by Intrigue a minute stoln is all the happiness of our mortality Gen. We
there Geoff. Thy Brother Zachariah who desires to meet thee in the way of the Faithfull Emel I will descend thy prefence is most gratefull Exit Above Geoff. Now for a night of pleasure i'faith it will tast the sweeter because we act like Brethren Oh those dear debauch'd Brethren how many merry nights they spend with a Go in Increase and Multiply Enter Emelia Emel Enter Zachariah thou hast a Sister's leave Geoff. And I will perform the part of a Holy Brother Exeunt Enter Sir Arthur Twilight Arth. Eudoria Wife Endoria I say what out of doors at this time where shall I seek this Gad-fly why Wife I say she 's gone she 's gone a pox of the Salutation Tavern she 's gone with Sir Amorous I find she is a Coach a Coach a Coach a hundred pound for a Coach Enter Spywell Spy That was Sir Arthur's voice now to my posture Confusion take me if e're I serve again Runs against Sir Arthur Arth. Who 's there Spy One that resolves never to serve a Rambling man again Arth. This is Spymell I may learn something from him Aside Did you serve a Rambling Master then Spy Yes a common Whoremaster no longer agoe than this Evening he run away with a very Worthy Gentlemans Wife Arth. Ha! did he so did he so what Gentleman friend Spy A very Worthy man indeed one Sir Arthur Twilight Arth. Confusion I am the Cuckold then Aside Spy But were I he I would Arth. What Spy In some disguise search out the Lecherous goat and damn 'em both together Arth. Ay ay but what disguise Spy They now are at the Rose drinking carrowsing and in a height of Jollity but would he goe guis'd like an old Fidler and take his man in a strange habit with him he might perhaps revenge and keep himself from being made a Cuckold Arth. He might indeed he shall about it streight thanks honest Friend he shall about it presently Ex. Sir Arthur Spy This will be Mirth to Admiration I could e'en hug my self to think upon the Credulous fool I must not lose him though The bliss of Life whilst Mars and Venus rules Is to project for Wise-men Cuckold Fools Exit SCENE A Chamber Sir Geoffry Jolthead and Emelia are discovered imbracing Eme. Nay you are too vigorous Brother Geoff. My Zeal is hot I am inflam'd my Spirits are on fire Eme. After our Ceremonies are perform'd we will like holy Brethren meet and love together First with this Powder I 'll perfume your Face Then with this Band your tender Wrists Embrace Well scented thus with all your Vigour move Turn three times round and then enjoy your Love Blacks his Face and ties his Hands behind him then puts out the Candle and Exit Enter an Old man drest about the head like a Woman Geoff. I come I come I come this is one of the prettiest devices in the whole Creation Madam Lady Emelia what not answer me Nay then i'faith have at you I am old Dog at Buff I could play at Blind-mans Buff naturally ha that was a shroad Mistake Runs against something and breaks the string that bound his Hands Why Lady dear little Rogue where are you ha there I touch'd you faith have I got you have I have I nay now I will make you kiss me and hug me and imbrace me and O my dear little Rogue Having caught the Old man he Kisses and Embraces him till a Table with two Candles upon it rises Bless me what have I got here Old man Nothing but an Old man indeed Sir Geoff. An Old Devil are you not begon Wizard or I 'll make you Kicks the Old man off returns again and is let down under the Stage O Devil Devil Devil Whither am I going now help help help SCENE Covent Garden Enter Sir Arthur Twilight with a Cymball and Bramble with a Violin both disguis'd Arth. Come Bramble we shall find her anon I am sure on 't Bramb Would we could Master for I am half afraid to walk abroad so late Arth. No danger no danger Bramble O that we could but find 'em I would Roguefy my Amorous Gentleman i'fack I would Musick and a Noise of Singing as in the Streets Bramb Ha the Roaring Boys are abroad Master and if we stay here any longer we shall be kill'd for certain Musick and Singing again as nearer Arth. They are coming indeed they are near us now what shall we doe Bramble O here 's honest Spywell Enter Spywell with a Light Spy So so you 're well disguis'd Now now Sir is your time Sir Generall Amorous and your Wife are enteredthere there in that publick Tavern they 've sent to see for Musick now if you dare venture to pass amongst the Gang I will conduct you to ' em Arth. With all my heart Oh I long to see ' em Spy Where taken for Musicians you may stand unsuspected and behold all their Transactions Arth. Make hast make hast O how I long to see ' em Exeunt Manet Spywell Spy Which you shall do doubt not and suffer for your Curiosity Rais'd to a height he from the top shall fly To perish by his Rage and Iealousy The End of the Third Act. ACT IV. SCENE The Streets Enter Sir Geoffry Jolthead Geoff. I Am out again thanks to my good fortune if this be Love and Enjoyment the Devil take it for me 't was twenty to one I had not broke my Neck when I fell into the Cellar my Mistress Emelia was a little civill I confess to leave a Light below otherwise I might have slept amongst the hogsheads I have lost all my stomach to Womans flesh and shall never have a good opinion of the Sex as long as I live again Enter Twiford Twif. My Lord your servant I vow I am extream glad to see you your Honourable Cousins are all in good health and every thing goes extraordinarily well indeed I just now came from France and truely every thing there is in a very good posture his most Christian Majesty would fain have laid his Commands upon me to have been his Generalissimo but I hearing the English Drums beat up for Volunteers came to pay my Respects to my very good Friend and Cousin and to serve under the noble Banner of England Geoff. What a Pox is the meaning of this Twif. My Lord I cannot but commend your meen and garb upon my honour you are all over very charming and look like one of the honourable family of the Soft-heads I hope my Cousin Richard and his extraordinary obliging friend Thomas are in perfect health Geoff. Yea Sir What a pox ails he Aside Twif. And my Lady Grace and Madam Pru and that extream obliging Lady Madam Text I vow I long to see e'm but my extraordinary business in Town has hindred me from their Society Why I 'll tell you Cousin I am just now going to serenade Madam Emelia upon my honour she 's fort obleigant Geoff. She is all abomination and musick is the
other but this Goatish Geoffry you would have entertained a strange Suspicion and with a Jealousy as unrestrain'd as ever fury could invent have hunted both to ruine but now Surly Enough enough let this content you that I ne're before did entertain so fair a thought of Woman as now I do of thee my foolish Jealousy still prompted me to think it was impossible you could be honest or stand the Tryall of the least Temptation but now I find thou hast a secret Virtue which I will cherish ever come let 's retire All Iealous Pangs you by this Act remove And now I shall renew Decaying Love Exeunt SCENE Sir Arthur's House Enter as in a Passion Sir Generall Amorous followed by Sir Arthur Twilight and Eudoria Arth. Nay Sir Generall i'faith I am sorry I am indeed what leave your Friends house for a Trifle nay sweet Sir Generall I am not Jealous now i'fack I am not dear Wife go to him perswade the Gentleman win him again I shall be distracted if he leave me to him Dear Eud. I know 't is but in vain Arth. Nay nay try him 't was but a small affront to say I doubted him or to be Jealous was it nay dear sweet Wife perswade him Eud. I 'll try my power Sir but I fear th' event Arth. That 's well said kiss him into friendship hug him do any thing to win him but lye with him and I am satisfy'd Eud. Prepare a Banquet then to entertain him and to it invite your Worthy friends let it appear as costly as you can for such a little Warning and I 'll try if I can court him to it Arth. Do do my little Rogue and see how I will love you the Night will come and then but 't is no matter thou knowest my meaning Ex. Sir Arthur Gen. Is he gone Eud. Safe for an hour I 'll warrant him Gen. How greedily he hunts his own Destruction and with a Zeal as eager as our Loves he strives to haste our Pleasures Eud. Let us not lose that time by our neglect Heav'n has so kindly given Gen. 'T were sin to slip the opportunity Fortune now courts us to a World of Pleasure and should we slight the Blessing she has given we might for ever starve and long for Joys but never more approach ' em Eud. Where shall we goe Gen. My Chamber is most safe nay any where as you have chang'd his humour he would mistrust his Eyes I 'm sure before you Eud. Then let us goe for fear we are prevented Exeunt Enter Emelia and Flora. Eme. This is a strange alteration but yesterday my Father was as Jealous as a Husband without Eyes and as Waspish as an ill pleas'd Bride and now he is all Mirth and Jollity Pray Heaven it last Flor. So say I for he just now proffered me a Husband and if his Jealous Fitt should come again I might chance to leade Apes in Hell and that 's a Curse too insufferable for me to bear Eme. A Husband Flora who was 't Flor. My degraded Magistrate he tells me he is a man of Vigour and loves me with an unspeakable flame Eme. And can you fancy him Flor. Best of all for he 's not a Wit I can tell you and those soft headed Husbands are the easiest Creatures to work upon a Woman may doe what she pleases keep a Gallant in Town or maintain a comely Servant in the Country who shall be as proud to effect my Will as I desirous to command him Eme. There 's danger in 'em though besides restraint of Liberty and Freedome I hate to be mew'd up in a Country Castle give me the Mall or Grays-Inn Walks and now and then a Play where a Woman may receive as much Pleasure by gazing on the Gallants of the Town as you in the Arms of your Country Magistrate were I to chuse I 'de have a Generall Lover one that Courts all Doats little and Enjoys every where Flor. They are so common Sister Eme. Not as Country Squires Alas there 's a great difference in the men I speak of One shall pretend he loves you monstrously and behind your back cry dam you A Second court you with Letters protest he doats upon you and had rather gaze upon your Eyes then any she in the whole World beside and yet the next minute run to a Bawdihouse A Third comes with that taking Toy call'd Matrimony or Honourable Love when his whole designe is but to Enjoy you spend your Portion and then leave you a Miserable Woman Flor. You are well vers'd in the distinctions of Men Sister Eme. But above all were I to chuse give me Sir Generall Amorous his Business is writ here here in his Face and they are much deceiv'd who think he comes to marry ' em Enter Sir Arthur Twilight and Bramble Arth. Are all invited Bramb Yes Sir all you gave order are Arth. And will they come Bramb Doubtless Sir they are most there already here 's a Note of their Names Gives Sir Arthur a Note Arth. Let me see it let me see it Reads Sir Iohn Twiford what have I to doe with him I want no Madmen Sirrah Bramb He will not come I 'll warrant you for I told him unless he could produce a new suite of Cloaths and leave those greasy ones behind him he could not enter here Arth. That 's pretty well it is indeed i'fack I like the Jeast Come Daughters let us go in my Wife and Guests will stay for me they will indeed I long to be amongst 'em for I shall be so merry so Jocost and pleasant come dear Girles Exeunt Scene draws and discovers seated as at a Banquet Sir Generall Amorous Eudoria Contentious Surly Petulant Easy and Sir Geoffry Jolt Enter Sir Arthur Twilight Emelia Flora and Bramble all rise Arth. Nay nay sit down sit down my Worthy Friends I'fack I joy to see you why this was kindly done to visit me upon so small a Warning All sit down Surly You see we love you Sir Arth. I hope you do so all I should be loth to have the hate of any man I'fack I should come Gentlemen be merry let 's sing and dance and drink and be jocost ha Geoff. Still the Old man by Iupiter come here 's a Health 't is but a frolick to the most Superannuated Cuckold in Europe Arth. Let it go round I'fack Eud. Fy Sir there 's a Health I blush to hear it Arth. But you shall not what blush for a trifle a Cuckold is a Christian and so we are all I hope Mr. Surly you are sullen dogged moody alamort I'fack come here 's a Health to the Lord Mayor of London ha that was well thought upon ha was it not ha Geoff. You are the same man still you are indeed Sir Arthur I love a man that has no sense of his own Miseries look look my Landlord's dogged at that name Cuckold down in the mouth by Iove but you bear up briskly still ha let
towards the Bed Shoot down ye Gods all all your Plagues above When I neglect the Critick hour of Love Arth. Confusion a Pimp a Pimp a Pimp Falls into a fit of Coughing they start Gen. Ha! from whence that Noise Eud. Under the Table I think Gen. What Slave durst interrupt us Eud. We are betray'd I fear Looks under the Table My Husband I am lost for ever Gen. Ha! your Husband then Impudence assist me Draws Come forth thou scorn of Mankind and take your Death with patience look on your Fate and with a Brow serene smile whilst I send thy Soul into another World come out I say Arth. Not I by Iove if you will kill me do it in private for I shall never indure to see it done Gen. Then Offers to kill him Arth. Nay sweet Sir Generall hold 't is plague enough to be a Cuckold but I 'll forget I am one if you 'll save my Life Alas I am not prepar'd to dye Gen. So much the greater my Revenge Offers to kill him again Eudoria hindring him Eud. Nay let me beg his Pardon Sir alas the fault was mine I ought to suffer shed not the Bloud of such a harmless man but if you must be cruell sheath here your Sword and let my Life and shame end both together Gen. Come out I say Arth. Not till you give me Life I'faith I am sorry very sorry I interrupted you I am indeed Gen. Come out and I 'll consider on 't Comes from under the Table and kneels How durst ye thou base Jealous Dotard presume to think an evill thought of us much more disturb our Pleasures skulk in our known Recesses and all to make you mad horn mad but to prevent your Lunacy thus I 'll Offers to kill him again Eudoria Kneels and seems to Weep Eud. Hold on my Knees I beg you to forbear look on his Age his Innocence and Goodness look how submissively he bends for Pardon and also look upon Eudoria's Tears can they not win you yet not bate your Fury then on his Neck I 'll hang and perish there perish and Dye with my dear Loving Husband Falls on his Neck and Weeps Arth. Can you can you strike now can you kill Sir Arthur your best Friend Sir Arthur can you for all these Tears for all the Tears of such a loving Wife Falls on Eudoria's Neck and Weeps Gen. Rise she has gain'd your Pardon but on Condition that you never talk nay not so much as think of what has happened if you doe Arth. Never alas I will take it for a Dream a meer Dream and when I am awake put it out of my Memory Gen. Forgive Eudoria then and with a Zeal as hasty as you went to Church together Arth. I do I'fack I do with all my Heart I doe Gen. Consider Sir 't is but a Veniall sin and not so great as it is Common for but few Women inviolably observe the Faith they owe their Husbands Arth. I 'm of your mind Sir Generall I'fack I am this 't is to be Old and fearfull but 't is no matter I 'm not the first Cuckold that 's my comfort Eud. Now all my hopes are lost quite lost for ever and I must still be bound to one I hate Enter Twiford Singing and Dancing Twif. Why look you Cousins every thing is Considerably well and the Affair has been managed with a great deal of Prudence and my Cousin Geoffry and his Wife Emelia are mighty jocost and pleasant and every thing is in an extraordinary Good manner and Posture and the way is mighty obliging I assure you they did me the honour to employ me in this great Affair which is to advertise you that all my good Lords and Ladies are in very Good health and are Enter Sir Geoffry Emelia Contentious Surly Petulant Easy Flora Spywell and Bramble Why look you Cousins here are all my very good Lords and Ladies and pray pardon me my Lords if I leave your Companies so soon for my very Honourable Friend and Cousin my Lord has sent for me and I am to win a hundred Guinnies to night which is very considerable my very good Lords Ladies and Cousins Adieu Ex. Twiford Geoff. What Alamort Sir Arthur Come come be merry and sing I have got your Daughter I'fack Boy Arth. 'T is Well 't is very well she is a smart Rogue and will make a good Wife I 'll warrant her She is my Daughter and I hope will make you a Cuckold too that I may have a Son in law of the Family of the Wittalls Aside All this time Sir Generall Entertains Flora in Dumb show Gen. Sir Arthur Twilight all anger being past and quite forgotten to bind my self for ever to you and by a Bond that knits Intire Affections with your Consent and to secure your peace here will I plant my Love Arth. With all my Heart I care not what you doe Marry whom you please I can be but a Cuckold still Aside Gen. What say's Emelia Emel I would say nothing Sir to Matrimony if you men were not so deceitfull and yet methinks I long to know what ' t is Gen. O 't is a Pleasing Pain a Heav'nly Bliss Emel Nay tell me not on 't before hand I hate to have my Pleasures pal'd by talking of 'em give me your hand for once I 'll venture Marriage but believe me if it prove contrary to my Expectation I 'll run for 't go to Law for alimony and be Mistress to an Alderman Arth. He shall be a Cuckold too I 'll perswade my Daughter to be a Whore and so be reveng'd on him Aside Easy Still he is False and in the highest nature I 'll study for Revenge now I have lost him and ruin both together Aside Surly Sir Generall Amorous I beg your Pardon for those foul suspicions I had of you and Easy and hereafter I 'll strive to show my Love Gen. My thanks shall not be wanting nor my Rewards to Spywell and to Bramble both which have play'd the Parts of Faithfull Servants Licentious Youth taught by unruly Fires Each moment leads us to Vnjust Desires The Ioy once past and the great Blessing ta'ne We grieve to think it cannot come again But here that Bliss we do in safety meet And lay our Glories at the Victors Feet Where uncontroul'd we in our Chains enjoy Those Pleasures which our Freedom would destroy FINIS EPILOGUE Spoken by Sir ARTHVR THE fate of Writing is like Wedlock dark The Wife 's Debauch'd by every Modish Spark And though a Man Monopolizeth Wit He 's sure to have but little share of it We City Cullies buy our Wive's so Dear And with such Pains indulge each Wantons Ear Till they break out and you Debauch 'em here There 's scarce a Gallant but has fresh supplies Of Love and Glances from her Wanton Eyes The fate of Citt and Poet then are even For sure both Fools and Cuckolds go to Heaven How happy then 's the Authour of this Play Who although Young's as great a Fool as they He swore he did not Write to show his Sence But his Vnequal'd stock of Impudence For though you Raile and Dam he laughs to see You more mistaken in his Play then he