salvation_n john_n howe_n mr._n corbet_n enquiry_n into_o the_o state_n of_o his_o soul_n his_o introduction_n in_o order_n to_o peace_n of_o conscience_n and_o assurance_n of_o my_o good_a estate_n towards_o god_n it_o must_v in_o reason_n be_v suppose_v that_o i_o may_v right_o understand_v the_o mark_n of_o sincerity_n set_v down_o in_o god_n word_n as_o also_o the_o predominant_a inclination_n and_o motion_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v so_o far_o assure_v of_o my_o right_a understanding_n of_o the_o thing_n aforesaid_a as_o to_o have_v no_o reasonable_a ground_n of_o doubt_v thereof_o for_o i_o have_v no_o other_o ordinary_a way_n to_o know_v my_o sincerity_n in_o order_n to_o the_o say_a peace_n and_o assurance_n but_o to_o examine_v it_o according_a to_o my_o best_a understanding_n by_o the_o mark_n thereof_o set_v down_o in_o god_n word_n in_o this_o self-examination_n it_o be_v requisite_a that_o i_o use_v all_o diligence_n and_o impartiality_n with_o constancy_n and_o that_o i_o earnest_o pray_v for_o god_n assistance_n in_o it_o and_o hearty_o offer_v myself_o to_o his_o search_n as_o david_n do_v psal._n 139._o 23._o wherefore_o if_o upon_o the_o most_o impartial_a and_o diligent_a search_n that_o i_o can_v make_v according_a to_o the_o best_a of_o my_o understanding_n together_o with_o earnest_n and_o constant_a prayer_n to_o god_n to_o assist_v i_o therein_o as_o in_o my_o great_a concern_n it_o do_v most_o rational_o appear_v to_o i_o that_o the_o predominant_a inclination_n and_o motion_n of_o my_o soul_n be_v agreeable_a to_o the_o mark_n of_o sincerity_n set_v down_o in_o god_n word_n than_o my_o conscience_n do_v its_o office_n aright_o be_v to_o judge_v for_o i_o according_o viz._n that_o i_o be_o sincere_a and_o in_o this_o judgement_n i_o be_o to_o acquiesce_v because_o it_o be_v the_o judgement_n of_o god_n agent_n and_o minister_n which_o he_o have_v set_v up_o within_o i_o to_o judge_v under_o he_o of_o my_o internal_a state_n according_a to_o his_o law_n by_o which_o he_o himself_o do_v and_o will_v judge_v i_o god_n have_v the_o same_o aspect_n upon_o the_o soul_n which_o conscience_n his_o vicegerent_n have_v as_o it_o from_o time_n to_o time_n or_o ordinary_o judge_v not_o against_o he_o or_o without_o he_o but_o under_o he_o and_o according_a to_o his_o judgement_n either_o acquit_v or_o condemn_v to_o this_o purpose_n the_o apostle_n speak_v 1_o john_n 3._o 20_o 21._o if_o our_o heart_n condemn_v we_o god_n be_v great_a than_o our_o heart_n and_o know_v all_o thing_n if_o our_o heart_n condemn_v we_o not_o then_o have_v we_o confidence_n towards_o god_n the_o state_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n according_a to_o the_o strict_a search_n that_o i_o can_v make_v psal._n 139._o 23_o 24._o search_v i_o o_o lord_n and_o know_v my_o heart_n try_v i_o and_o know_v my_o thought_n and_o see_v if_o there_o be_v any_o wicked_a way_n in_o i_o and_o lead_v i_o in_o the_o way_n everlasting_a amen_n the_o follow_a particular_n be_v set_v down_o in_o decemb._n jan._n feb._n an._n 1663._o as_o far_o as_o i_o be_o able_a to_o discern_v my_o heart_n and_o way_n i_o have_v choose_v the_o lord_n for_o my_o portion_n i_o take_v up_o my_o rest_n in_o he_o and_o not_o in_o the_o creature_n to_o love_v and_o fear_n and_o admire_v and_o bless_v he_o and_o to_o have_v communion_n with_o he_o be_v my_o chief_a joy_n and_o the_o eternal_a vision_n and_o fruition_n of_o god_n be_v my_o great_a hope_n i_o will_v not_o only_o have_v god_n hereafter_o but_o here_o in_o this_o world_n for_o my_o chief_a good_a he_o be_v even_o now_o better_o than_o all_o the_o world_n i_o come_v to_o god_n by_o jesus_n christ._n and_o as_o i_o believe_v in_o god_n i_o believe_v also_o in_o christ_n and_o rejoice_v and_o glory_n in_o he_o and_o acknowledge_v my_o own_o sinfulness_n and_o unworthiness_n i_o rest_v entire_o on_o he_o as_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o justification_n to_o life_n and_o of_o all_o favour_n and_o acceptance_n with_o god_n i_o receive_v christ_n as_o my_o lord_n and_o give_v up_o myself_o to_o he_o i_o let_v he_o into_o my_o heart_n by_o faith_n i_o esteem_v he_o precious_a and_o be_o willing_a to_o suffer_v the_o loss_n of_o all_o that_o i_o may_v win_v he_o i_o desire_v to_o know_v he_o in_o the_o power_n of_o his_o death_n and_o resurrection_n and_o be_o much_o grieve_v that_o i_o do_v so_o weak_o experience_n that_o power_n and_o feel_v it_o no_o more_o operative_a in_o i_o in_o my_o die_n to_o sin_n and_o 〈◊〉_d world_n and_o in_o live_v and_o walk_v in_o the_o spirit_n i_o do_v not_o cease_v to_o lament_v the_o more_o heinous_a sin_n of_o my_o life_n and_o can_v forbear_v the_o continual_a implore_v of_o the_o pardon_n of_o they_o i_o do_v not_o return_v again_o to_o they_o and_o i_o resolve_v never_o so_o to_o do_v i_o watch_v and_o pray_v and_o strive_v against_o all_o sin_n but_o especial_o against_o those_o sin_n to_o which_o i_o be_o more_o especial_o incline_v my_o conflict_n be_v daily_o and_o be_o put_v hard_o to_o it_o but_o i_o do_v not_o yield_v up_o myself_o to_o any_o sin_n nor_o lie_v down_o in_o it_o yea_o i_o do_v not_o suffer_v sinful_a cogitation_n to_o lodge_v in_o i_o howbeit_o i_o be_o many_o time_n much_o discompose_v damp_a in_o spirit_n deadn_v in_o duty_n distract_v in_o my_o study_n and_o molest_v and_o hinder_v every_o way_n by_o the_o sin_n that_o dwell_v in_o i_o but_o i_o resolve_v that_o sin_n shall_v have_v no_o rest_n in_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o i_o will_v never_o enjoy_v it_o though_o i_o can_v keep_v sin_n out_o of_o my_o heart_n yet_o it_o do_v not_o reign_v in_o my_o mortal_a body_n nor_o do_v i_o yield_v my_o member_n to_o the_o service_n of_o it_o i_o will_v fulfil_v all_o righteousness_n and_o owe_v nothing_o to_o any_o man_n but_o love_n i_o have_v a_o hundred_o sold_n rather_o suffer_v wrong_a than_o do_v wrong_n it_o be_v say_v of_o christ_n that_o no_o guile_n be_v find_v in_o his_o mouth_n and_o of_o the_o faithful_a company_n that_o follow_v the_o lamb_n that_o no_o guile_n be_v find_v in_o their_o mouth_n and_o that_o it_o may_v be_v so_o with_o i_o i_o endeavour_v with_o my_o whole_a heart_n i_o trust_v god_n with_o my_o chief_a outward_a concernment_n even_o with_o that_o about_o which_o i_o be_o most_o solicitous_a and_o wherein_o to_o be_v satisfy_v be_v of_o great_a moment_n to_o i_o for_o that_o it_o have_v as_o great_a a_o influence_n upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o any_o outward_a thing_n have_v and_o i_o do_v believe_v that_o god_n will_v provide_v for_o i_o herein_o or_o otherwise_o supply_v the_o want_n of_o it_o my_o earnest_a desire_n of_o god_n be_v that_o my_o outward_a condition_n may_v be_v so_o state_v by_o his_o wife_n and_o gracious_a providence_n as_o i_o may_v be_v least_o expose_v to_o temptation_n and_o best_a dispose_v and_o further_v unto_o duty_n i_o have_v a_o inclination_n to_o seek_v self_n particular_o in_o vain_a applause_n and_o that_o in_o religious_a service_n and_o herein_o i_o have_v be_v high_o guilty_a but_o i_o shame_v myself_o for_o it_o before_o god_n and_o i_o be_o willing_a to_o be_v satisfy_v in_o the_o praise_n that_o come_v from_o he_o alone_o and_o i_o trust_v through_o his_o grace_n that_o i_o can_v deny_v myself_o in_o matter_n of_o reputation_n to_o do_v his_o will._n i_o love_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n and_o all_o his_o saint_n the_o break_a estate_n of_o the_o church_n especial_o by_o intestine_a evil_n be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n the_o scandal_n of_o professor_n i_o be_o true_o grieve_v at_o and_o i_o will_v not_o by_o their_o weakness_n seek_v to_o excuse_v my_o own_o fault_n or_o a_o advance_n of_o my_o own_o virtue_n i_o have_v no_o settle_a bitterness_n and_o revenge_n against_o my_o enemy_n but_o i_o love_v pity_n and_o pray_v for_o they_o as_o concern_v god_n enemy_n i_o be_o more_o provoke_v but_o i_o will_v not_o be_v inhuman_a or_o cruel_a against_o they_o for_o the_o wrath_n of_o man_n work_v not_o the_o righteousness_n of_o god_n i_o contemn_v none_o i_o will_v not_o embitter_v the_o spirit_n of_o any_o i_o will_v answer_v all_o obligation_n of_o courtesy_n as_o account_v it_o a_o righteousness_n i_o will_v not_o insult_v over_o the_o weakness_n of_o any_o and_o this_o be_v partly_o out_o of_o natural_a tenderness_n and_o moral_a consideration_n and_o i_o find_v that_o the_o goodness_n and_o kindness_n of_o god_n the_o meekness_n gentleness_n of_o christ_n have_v here_o unto_o make_v impression_n upon_o i_o i_o find_v upon_o the_o review_n of_o my_o life_n past_o according_a to_o the_o clear_a judgement_n that_o i_o can_v make_v that_o i_o have_v not_o go_v
servant_n o_o lord_n but_o remember_v i_o and_o spare_v i_o according_a to_o thy_o great_a mercy_n in_o christ_n jesus_n the_o great_a propitiation_n for_o sin_n in_o who_o i_o desire_v to_o be_v find_v and_o under_o the_o covert_a of_o who_o wing_n i_o stand_v that_o i_o may_v be_v save_v from_o thy_o wrath_n and_o enjoy_v thy_o peace_n and_o live_v in_o thy_o presence_n where_o be_v fullness_n of_o joy_n and_o pleasure_n for_o evermore_o feb._n 22._o 1678_o 9_o god_n will_v never_o damn_v in_o hell_n any_o soul_n that_o have_v the_o habitual_a predominant_a love_n of_o god_n though_o culpable_o remiss_a and_o otherwise_o sinful_a while_o he_o remain_v such_o yea_o hell_n and_o such_o love_n of_o god_n be_v inconsistent_a i_o love_v the_o holy_a will_n of_o god_n with_o all_o my_o heart_n and_o hate_v all_o disconformity_n to_o it_o nothing_o be_v more_o grievous_a to_o i_o than_o to_o displease_v god_n and_o nothing_o be_v more_o pleasant_a to_o i_o than_o to_o please_v he_o i_o strive_v after_o christian_a perfection_n i_o labour_v to_o be_v unbottomed_a of_o self_n to_o die_v to_o self-advancement_n to_o self-gloriation_a and_o to_o all_o selfish_a joy_n and_o to_o live_v whole_o in_o and_o to_o god_n and_o to_o have_v self_n swallow_v up_o in_o the_o love_n of_o he_o i_o labour_v in_o the_o work_n of_o self-resignation_n that_o my_o will_n may_v be_v confine_v to_o and_o include_v in_o the_o will_n of_o god_n i_o strive_v after_o patience_n in_o its_o perfect_a work_n and_o do_v find_v a_o willingness_n to_o yield_v to_o god_n will_v in_o my_o chastisement_n i_o still_o justify_v god_n and_o do_v not_o entertain_v a_o hard_a thought_n of_o his_o deal_v with_o i_o but_o conclude_v that_o it_o be_v altogether_o holy_a just_a and_o good_a and_o for_o the_o best_a i_o feel_v my_o sin_n a_o great_a burden_n to_o i_o than_o my_o affliction_n i_o have_v rather_o have_v health_n of_o soul_n in_o a_o body_n full_a of_o pain_n than_o health_n and_o ease_n of_o body_n with_o a_o distemper_a soul_n and_o the_o sense_n of_o my_o great_a sinfulness_n dispose_v i_o to_o patience_n under_o my_o afflict_a infirmity_n of_o body_n i_o narrow_o watch_v my_o heart_n that_o it_o may_v not_o lodge_v or_o admit_v a_o vain_a thought_n when_o i_o be_o surprise_v with_o vanity_n i_o suppress_v it_o as_o soon_o as_o i_o observe_v it_o i_o be_o very_o fearful_a of_o offend_v in_o a_o word_n when_o on_o the_o sudden_a and_o by_o incogitancy_n i_o have_v speak_v a_o word_n which_o upon_o second_o thought_n be_v doubtful_a to_o i_o though_o i_o have_v not_o such_o doubt_n in_o the_o speak_n of_o it_o i_o have_v be_v much_o perplex_v about_o it_o and_o have_v engage_v myself_o to_o a_o great_a watchfulness_n aug._n 1680._o sure_o christ_n have_v my_o heart_n whensoever_o i_o swerve_v from_o christ_n in_o a_o thought_n word_n or_o deed_n it_o be_v by_o inadvertency_n and_o surprisal_n against_o my_o fix_a principle_n and_o i_o have_v great_a regret_n at_o it_o and_o loath_a myself_o for_o it_o if_o i_o be_v out_o of_o all_o fear_n o_o damnation_n i_o have_v rather_o be_v holy_a then_o unholy_a and_o i_o take_v pain_n and_o use_n god_n mean_n to_o be_v holy_a in_o opposition_n to_o the_o flesh_n and_o i_o make_v it_o my_o chief_a care_n and_o i_o do_v this_o because_o i_o make_v the_o enjoy_n of_o god_n my_o chief_a good_a and_o rather_o than_o lose_v the_o hope_n thereof_o i_o will_v willing_o undergo_v the_o suffering_n of_o this_o life_n which_o lead_v to_o that_o bless_a fruition_n not_o except_v the_o fiery-trial_n itself_o aug._n 1680._o i_o hope_v when_o the_o end_n come_v my_o god_n will_v say_v to_o i_o dear_a child_n thy_o warfare_n be_v accompilsh_v thy_o iniquity_n be_v pardon_v enter_v thou_o into_o my_o rest._n therefore_o i_o will_v both_o hope_n and_o quiet_o wait_v for_o the_o salvation_n of_o god_n i_o will_v hope_v to_o the_o end_n strengthen_v i_o o_o my_o god_n that_o i_o faint_v not_o october_n the_o 4._o 1680._o i_o have_v no_o design_n i_o pursue_v nothing_o contrary_a to_o god_n interest_n but_o all_o my_o design_n and_o pursuit_n be_v for_o god_n and_o holiness_n i_o think_v i_o be_o sure_a of_o this_o if_o i_o be_v sure_a of_o any_o thing_n my_o great_a aim_n and_o care_n and_o labour_n be_v to_o cleanse_v myself_o from_o all_o filthiness_n of_o flesh_n and_o spirit_n and_o to_o perfect_a holiness_n in_o the_o fear_n of_o god_n to_o who_o i_o yield_v myself_o a_o servant_n to_o obey_v his_o servant_n i_o be_o but_o i_o do_v not_o yield_v myself_o a_o servant_n to_o sin_n to_o obey_v it_o but_o i_o do_v yield_v myself_o a_o servant_n to_o god_n to_o obey_v he_o the_o design_n and_o business_n of_o my_o life_n be_v to_o do_v his_o will._n the_o work_n of_o my_o heart_n in_o my_o affliction_n aug._n the_o 5_o 1680._o the_o will_n of_o god_n in_o lay_v this_o affliction_n upon_o i_o i_o unfeigned_o approve_v as_o holy_a just_a and_o good_a and_o i_o be_o unfeigned_o willing_a to_o bear_v the_o affliction_n as_o it_o be_v a_o evil_n lay_v upon_o i_o by_o his_o will_n till_o the_o time_n come_v in_o which_o he_o think_v fit_a to_o remove_v it_o i_o watch_v and_o pray_v and_o strive_v that_o i_o may_v not_o give_v way_n to_o a_o repine_a thought_n against_o his_o holy_a hand_n in_o this_o point_n they_o spirit_n be_v willing_a but_o the_o flesh_n be_v weak_a my_o mind_n do_v real_o consent_v to_o god_n dispensation_n and_o to_o my_o submission_n and_o be_v most_o agreeable_a to_o his_o wise_a and_o gracious_a government_n and_o most_o conduce_v to_o my_o salvation_n but_o my_o sensitive_a part_n and_o my_o mind_n also_o as_o it_o be_v in_o part_n unrenewed_a weak_a and_o sinful_a do_v great_o reluctate_v so_o that_o i_o be_o put_v hard_a to_o it_o and_o i_o must_v say_v i_o be_o willing_a lord_n help_v my_o unwillingness_n i_o have_v not_o observe_v in_o the_o several_a day_n that_o a_o thought_n of_o direct_a or_o positive_a discontentment_n or_o vexatious_a commotion_n of_o mind_n have_v be_v admit_v by_o i_o nevertheless_o i_o see_v to_o my_o grief_n that_o i_o fall_v exceed_o short_a of_o that_o quietness_n contentation_n and_o cheerfulness_n in_o my_o condition_n and_o of_o that_o sreeness_n of_o self_n resignation_n to_o god_n will_v that_o i_o desire_v and_o his_o goodness_n call_v for_o i_o wrestle_v with_o god_n by_o importunate_a prayer_n that_o this_o thorn_n in_o the_o flesh_n may_v depart_v from_o i_o that_o this_o distemper_n may_v be_v remove_v or_o so_o mitigate_v that_o i_o may_v be_v in_o some_o comfortable_a ease_n and_o get_v a_o more_o cheerful_a freedom_n in_o do_v my_o duty_n yet_o i_o will_v not_o wrest_v this_o relief_n out_o of_o his_o hand_n unreasonable_o and_o without_o his_o good_a will_n and_o his_o blessing_n i_o will_v wait_v his_o time_n and_o desire_v to_o have_v it_o with_o his_o love_n and_o favour_n and_o with_o a_o save_a benefit_n and_o so_o my_o earnest_a desire_n thereof_o be_v limit_v with_o submission_n to_o his_o holy_a will._n yet_o i_o find_v that_o this_o submission_n be_v no_o easy_a matter_n but_o that_o i_o must_v take_v pain_n with_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o that_o it_o be_v god_n who_o must_v work_v my_o heart_n to_o it_o and_o keep_v under_o the_o flesh_n which_o be_v always_o ready_a to_o rebel_v it_o be_v hard_o to_o be_v willing_a to_o bear_v my_o wearisome_a condition_n and_o o_o how_o weak_a be_v my_o heart_n and_o ready_a to_o sink_v if_o it_o be_v not_o uphold_v by_o a_o strength_n above_o my_o own_o o_o let_v his_o grace_n be_v sufficient_a for_o i_o and_o let_v his_o power_n be_v make_v perfect_a in_o my_o weakness_n i_o feel_v myself_o better_v in_o the_o inner_a man_n by_o this_o chasten_n it_o have_v further_v mortification_n and_o self-denial_n and_o do_v much_o to_o the_o break_n of_o the_o heart_n of_o pride_n and_o to_o bring_v i_o on_o towards_o that_o more_o perfect_a self-examination_n for_o which_o i_o labour_v it_o have_v much_o deadn_v the_o world_n to_o i_o and_o my_o desire_n to_o the_o world_n it_o make_v i_o know_v in_o earnest_a the_o emptiness_n of_o all_o creature_n and_o how_o great_a my_o concern_n be_v in_o god_n it_o drive_v i_o close_o to_o he_o and_o make_v i_o to_o fetch_v all_o my_o comfort_n from_o he_o i_o see_v of_o how_o little_a value_n all_o outward_a contentment_n be_v and_o not_o only_o in_o my_o present_a afflict_a state_n but_o if_o i_o be_v at_o ease_n and_o in_o full_a prosperity_n the_o sense_n of_o this_o benefit_n to_o my_o soul_n be_v the_o great_a mean_n of_o bring_v my_o will_n to_o that_o weak_a degree_n of_o submission_n to_o god_n will_n to_o which_o i_o have_v atatine_v o_o that_o i_o
backward_o but_o proceed_v forward_o in_o the_o way_n of_o godliness_n and_o this_o increase_n i_o reckon_v not_o by_o sudden_a fit_n now_o and_o then_o hapen_v but_o by_o the_o main_a progress_n of_o the_o work_n in_o the_o total_a sum._n i_o have_v be_v grieve_v that_o i_o be_o no_o more_o elevate_v in_o the_o hope_n of_o heaven_n and_o that_o i_o can_v attain_v to_o a_o long_a desire_n to_o be_v go_v hence_o and_o to_o be_v there_o with_o christ._n i_o have_v labour_v to_o raise_v up_o my_o heart_n and_o have_v have_v enlargement_n even_o when_o deadness_n and_o flatness_n have_v be_v upon_o i_o i_o think_v with_o myself_o sometime_o be_v my_o evidence_n clear_a for_o heaven_n i_o will_v exalt_v to_o be_v go_v hence_o this_o very_a hour_n but_o i_o find_v not_o this_o readiness_n at_o all_o time_n when_o i_o have_v have_v a_o good_a enterprise_n in_o hand_n for_o god_n glory_n and_o some_o public_a benefit_n i_o watch_v against_o vanity_n of_o mind_n and_o vain_a glory_n in_o carry_v it_o on_o and_o i_o desire_v pure_o to_o aim_n at_o god_n '_o be_v glory_n and_o to_o be_v satisfy_v with_o my_o reward_n in_o he_o and_o i_o take_v heed_n that_o i_o forget_v not_o my_o mortality_n when_o i_o be_o pursue_v that_o design_n but_o i_o will_v fain_o bring_v up_o myself_o to_o this_o frame_n to_o be_v content_v to_o be_v take_v hence_o in_o the_o midst_n of_o it_o as_o judge_v that_o i_o shall_v be_v no_o loose_a by_o my_o removal_n and_o god_n can_v stand_v in_o need_n of_o that_o service_n lord_n forgive_v my_o inordinate_a self-love_n which_o have_v disturb_v the_o act_n of_o pure_a charity_n in_o divers_a passage_n of_o moment_n for_o self-love_n in_o my_o sensitive_a appetite_n have_v have_v motion_n contrary_a to_o the_o love_n of_o god_n and_o my_o neighbour_n nevertheless_o my_o judgement_n have_v disallow_v it_o and_o i_o have_v for_o the_o most_o part_n act_v against_o it_o and_o for_o that_o which_o the_o love_n of_o god_n and_o my_o neighbour_n do_v command_v o_o lord_n forgive_v my_o ten_o thousand_o talent_n i_o come_v to_o jesus_n christ_n who_o have_v make_v satisfaction_n and_o lay_v this_o heavy_a reckon_n to_o his_o account_n lord_n forgive_v my_o iniquity_n for_o it_o be_v exceed_o great_a these_o follow_a passage_n be_v set_v down_o march_z 4._o an._n 1675._o upon_o the_o review_n of_o the_o forego_n evidence_n after_o twelve_o year_n i_o find_v through_o grace_n the_o same_o abide_n in_o i_o and_o more_o and_o more_o root_v and_o some_o particular_n which_o do_v make_v i_o more_o to_o doubt_v of_o my_o good_a estate_n i_o find_v to_o be_v since_o that_o time_n in_o a_o great_a degree_n vanquish_v i_o have_v do_v what_o in_o i_o lie_v to_o call_v to_o remembrance_n all_o my_o remarkable_a sin_n from_o my_o childhood_n and_o youth_n till_o now_o and_o as_o far_o as_o i_o can_v judge_n i_o have_v repent_v of_o they_o both_o general_o and_o particular_o and_o i_o now_o repent_v of_o they_o all_o from_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n with_o a_o self_n abhorrence_n if_o i_o can_v know_v my_o own_o heart_n by_o the_o strict_a and_o most_o impartial_a search_n that_o i_o can_v make_v upon_o the_o best_a judgement_n that_o i_o can_v make_v of_o the_o nature_n of_o sin_n and_o the_o frame_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o course_n of_o life_n i_o know_v no_o sin_n lie_v upon_o i_o which_o do_v not_o consist_v with_o habitual_a repentance_n and_o with_o the_o hatred_n of_o sin_n and_o with_o a_o unseigned_a consent_n that_o god_n be_v my_o saviour_n and_o sanctifier_n and_o with_o the_o love_v of_o god_n above_o all_o the_o mercy_n of_o god_n towards_o i_o in_o the_o prolong_n of_o the_o day_n of_o grace_n in_o the_o strive_n of_o his_o spirit_n in_o his_o chastisement_n in_o the_o check_n of_o conscience_n in_o the_o recovery_n of_o my_o soul_n out_o of_o distemper_n and_o backslide_n do_v great_o affect_v my_o heart_n and_o strong_o engage_v i_o to_o he_o and_o do_v often_o call_v upon_o my_o soul_n and_o all_o that_o be_v within_o i_o to_o bless_v his_o holy_a name_n though_o my_o spiritual_a growth_n be_v very_o low_a and_o slow_a yet_o to_o this_o present_a time_n i_o have_v not_o grow_v worse_o but_o better_a speak_v of_o growth_n in_o the_o whole_a space_n or_o great_a space_n of_o my_o time_n past_a and_o not_o every_o particular_a day_n by_o prayer_n and_o endeavour_n long_o continue_v i_o have_v in_o some_o measure_n overcome_v a_o special_a very_o sinful_a distemster_n of_o mind_n and_o gain_v the_o contrary_a temper_n against_o a_o natural_a propensity_n though_o my_o faith_n in_o christ_n be_v weak_a yet_o to_o have_v part_n in_o his_o promise_n i_o be_o ready_a to_o part_v with_o all_o that_o be_v dear_a in_o this_o world_n and_o i_o have_v no_o hope_n of_o happiness_n but_o in_o christ._n though_o i_o have_v have_v doubt_n touch_v the_o promise_a salvation_n yet_o i_o know_v that_o as_o to_o my_o own_o felicity_n i_o prize_v nothing_o more_o than_o that_o salvation_n be_v the_o glorify_v and_o enjoy_v god_n for_o ever_o and_o i_o embrace_v it_o as_o my_o best_o good_n i_o love_v christ_n who_o i_o have_v not_o see_v and_o i_o be_o affect_v towards_o he_o as_o towards_o a_o person_n who_o teach_v and_o do_v the_o most_o excellent_a thing_n and_o promise_v a_o most_o excellent_a state_n to_o his_o follower_n and_o purchase_v their_o redemption_n at_o the_o dear_a rate_n i_o be_o hearty_o grieve_v for_o love_a god_n so_o little_a yet_o i_o be_o sure_a this_o i_o write_v according_a to_o a_o full_a persuasion_n at_o that_o time_n i_o love_v nothing_o more_o than_o god_n and_o in_o my_o esteem_n and_o choice_n i_o prefer_v the_o spiritual_a divine_a and_o heavenly_a life_n imcomparable_o before_o the_o carnal_a animal_n earthly_a life_n and_o this_o esteem_n and_o choice_n be_v make_v good_a by_o performance_n in_o ordinary_a i_o love_v to_o love_n god_n and_o i_o desire_v this_o love_n not_o only_o as_o a_o evidence_n of_o my_o salvation_n but_o for_o itself_o i_o have_v much_o rather_o have_v a_o heart_n to_o love_v he_o perfect_o than_o to_o have_v all_o the_o riches_n honour_n and_o pleasure_n of_o this_o world_n my_o conscience_n bear_v i_o witness_v that_o in_o the_o present_a exercise_n of_o my_o ministry_n i_o have_v no_o self-end_n of_o worldly_a advantage_n or_o reputation_n among_o man_n or_o any_o interest_n of_o the_o carnal_a mind_n but_o if_o the_o command_n of_o christ_n and_o the_o necessity_n of_o soul_n do_v not_o oblige_v i_o to_o this_o service_n i_o shall_v glad_o retire_v to_o privacy_n and_o solitude_n my_o temporal_a estate_n be_v mean_a and_o low_a yet_o i_o be_o content_v with_o it_o and_o humble_o bless_v god_n for_o what_o i_o have_v i_o live_v in_o as_o narrow_a a_o compass_n for_o expense_n as_o i_o can_v that_o i_o may_v have_v something_o to_o give_v to_o the_o poor_a and_o to_o be_v helpful_a to_o those_o that_o be_v in_o need_n according_a to_o my_o ability_n and_o as_o god_n have_v require_v of_o we_o to_o love_n mercy_n and_o our_o saviour_n have_v say_v it_o be_v a_o more_o bless_a thing_n to_o give_v than_o to_o receive_v so_o i_o have_v more_o pleasure_n in_o give_v a_o portion_n to_o the_o needy_a as_o far_o as_o my_o mean_a estate_n will_v bear_v than_o in_o lay_v out_o for_o the_o delight_n of_o my_o own_o sense_n or_o worldly_a convenience_n and_o this_o proceed_v not_o from_o a_o conceit_n of_o merit_n in_o any_o thing_n that_o i_o can_v do_v but_o from_o a_o love_n to_o please_v god_n and_o do_v good_n though_o i_o have_v a_o good_a knowledge_n about_o the_o premise_n yet_o i_o be_o apt_a to_o waver_v about_o the_o conclusion_n and_o though_o i_o apprehend_v the_o evidence_n of_o my_o sincerity_n to_o be_v clear_a yet_o a_o timorousness_n remain_v in_o i_o though_o i_o have_v not_o as_o yet_o overcome_v the_o fear_n of_o death_n yet_o i_o be_o sure_a that_o the_o unwillingness_n that_o be_v in_o i_o to_o die_v be_v not_o that_o i_o may_v enjoy_v the_o pleasure_n of_o sense_n or_o any_o gratification_n of_o the_o animal_n life_n i_o feel_v in_o myself_o a_o burden_n of_o sin_n and_o corruption_n much_o sensuality_n earthliness_n selfishness_n nevertheless_o i_o judge_v there_o be_v that_o predominancy_n of_o love_n to_o god_n and_o holiness_n which_o i_o hope_n be_v unmovable_o seat_v in_o my_o soul_n whereupon_o i_o hope_v that_o it_o can_v be_v that_o i_o shall_v be_v cast_v out_o of_o his_o blissful_a presence_n into_o that_o perdition_n which_o be_v a_o state_n of_o immutable_a hatred_n of_o he_o and_o i_o apprehend_v that_o the_o most_o horrid_a and_o hellish_a state_n of_o hell_n itself_o lie_v in_o its_o everlasting_a and_o utmost_a enmity_n against_o
god_n thus_o i_o be_o search_v and_o try_v my_o heart_n and_o way_n and_o what_o i_o find_v by_o myself_o i_o write_v down_o that_o i_o may_v have_v it_o by_o i_o for_o my_o relief_n in_o a_o evil_a day_n and_o a_o hour_n of_o temptation_n for_o i_o must_v expect_v the_o time_n when_o by_o weakness_n or_o anguish_n of_o body_n or_o mind_n i_o may_v be_v disable_v to_o recollect_v myself_o and_o due_o to_o state_n the_o case_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o the_o power_n of_o nature_n may_v so_o fail_v that_o i_o may_v have_v but_o a_o very_a weak_a apprehension_n of_o what_o i_o have_v to_o do_v in_o this_o great_a concernment_n i_o be_o warn_v by_o the_o parable_n of_o the_o ten_o virgin_n to_o look_v to_o it_o that_o together_o with_o my_o lamp_n i_o may_v have_v oil_n in_o my_o vessel_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o enter_v in_o with_o the_o bridegroom_n at_o his_o come_n lord_n be_v merciful_a to_o i_o a_o sinner_n to_o i_o one_o of_o the_o chief_a of_o sinner_n o_o my_o exceed_a sinfulness_n o_o the_o riches_n of_o thy_o goodness_n towards_o i_o shall_v not_o i_o loathe_v my_o carnal_a self_n shall_v not_o i_o grieve_v for_o grieve_v thy_o spirit_n i_o desire_v to_o do_v so_o i_o hope_v to_o do_v so_o do_v what_o thou_o will_v with_o i_o so_o thou_o pardon_v and_o sanctify_v and_o save_v i_o i_o be_o afraid_a of_o thy_o judgement_n i_o can_v endure_v but_o little_a o_o how_o weak_a be_v my_o heart_n nevertheless_o i_o will_v endeavour_v and_o i_o trust_v through_o grace_n that_o that_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o bear_v thy_o correct_a hand_n thou_o be_v wise_a and_o holy_a thou_o be_v merciful_a and_o gracious_a thou_o retaine_v not_o thy_o anger_n for_o ever_o because_o thou_o delight_v in_o mercy_n o_o spare_v i_o and_o consider_v i_o and_o deal_v with_o i_o not_o after_o my_o sin_n and_o reward_v i_o not_o after_o my_o iniquity_n but_o as_o far_o as_o the_o east_n be_v from_o the_o west_n so_o far_o remove_v my_o transgression_n from_o i_o comfort_v i_o and_o satisfy_v i_o for_o i_o wait_v for_o relief_n from_o thou_o whatsoever_o befall_v i_o i_o will_v put_v my_o trust_n in_o thou_o i_o believe_v o_o lord_n help_v my_o unbelief_n lord_n increase_v my_o faith_n o_o my_o god_n i_o lie_v at_o thy_o foot_n and_o mercy_n i_o put_v my_o sinful_a distress_a soul_n into_o the_o hand_n of_o jesus_n christ_n and_o i_o rest_v on_o the_o covenant_n of_o grace_n make_v in_o he_o as_o all_o my_o salvation_n and_o all_o my_o desire_n amen_n more_o observation_n touch_v the_o state_n of_o my_o soul_n march_v the_o 27_o 1676._o o_o the_o wonderful_a mercy_n of_o god_n towards_o i_o a_o most_o vile_a and_o â—â—etched_a sinner_n in_o convince_a rebuke_v and_o awaken_n i_o unto_o a_o self-abhorrence_a and_o a_o utter_a detestation_n of_o my_o sin_n my_o special_a sin_n so_o that_o i_o can_v be_v reconcile_v to_o they_o since_o the_o more_o powerful_a awaken_n of_o my_o conscience_n i_o never_o have_v and_o be_o persuade_v never_o shall_v return_v to_o those_o former_a sin_n which_o make_v a_o breach_n between_o god_n and_o my_o soul_n i_o hate_v every_o sin_n impartial_o a_o sinful_a state_n be_v in_o my_o internal_a sense_n a_o horrid_a and_o a_o hellish_a state_n i_o find_v myself_o firm_o resolve_v to_o give_v up_o any_o part_n of_o my_o worldly_a estate_n that_o i_o shall_v be_v find_v to_o hold_v to_o another_o wrong_n if_o it_o be_v doubtful_a where_o the_o right_a lie_n i_o be_o resolve_v first_o to_o endeavour_v a_o reference_n to_o conscientious_a know_a man_n and_o if_o that_o can_v be_v fit_o have_v to_o submit_v it_o to_o a_o legal_a trial_n with_o a_o desire_n that_o right_o may_v take_v place_n i_o know_v not_o that_o i_o hold_v any_o 〈◊〉_d estate_n or_o that_o there_o be_v any_o doubt_n of_o my_o legal_a right_n to_o any_o thing_n that_o i_o possess_v but_o i_o have_v make_v supposition_n for_o the_o trial_n of_o my_o own_o spirit_n when_o i_o have_v a_o father_n or_o mother_n i_o will_v have_v trust_v they_o to_o defend_v or_o deliver_v i_o from_o any_o evil_n from_o which_o it_o be_v in_o their_o power_n to_o defend_v or_o deliver_v i_o in_o the_o same_o manner_n i_o now_o trust_v to_o my_o love_a wife_n why_o then_o shall_v i_o be_v suspicious_a of_o god_n in_o who_o hand_n i_o be_o why_o shall_v i_o doubt_v of_o his_o dear_a love_n and_o tender_a mercy_n towards_o i_o or_o call_v in_o question_n his_o good_a will_n to_o preserve_v or_o deliver_v i_o from_o any_o affliction_n that_o will_v be_v too_o hard_a for_o i_o to_o bear_v or_o to_o sustain_v and_o comfort_v i_o under_o any_o suffer_v which_o he_o see_v fit_a to_o inflict_v upon_o i_o if_o when_o i_o be_v more_o careless_a and_o forgetful_a of_o god_n and_o when_o i_o venture_v upon_o breach_n with_o he_o he_o be_v please_v to_o convince_v i_o of_o my_o sin_n and_o to_o rouse_v i_o up_o to_o a_o great_a care_n and_o to_o make_v i_o more_o earnest_a for_o pardon_n and_o for_o healing_n and_o for_o all_o needful_a grace_n and_o more_o thorough_o resolve_v to_o follow_v he_o throughout_o sure_o he_o will_v not_o refuse_v i_o in_o my_o address_n for_o more_o grace_n and_o a_o more_o confirm_a state_n of_o holiness_n if_o i_o follow_v on_o to_o know_v the_o lord_n i_o shall_v know_v he_o and_o see_v his_o salvation_n though_o death_n and_o judgement_n be_v of_o dreadful_a consideration_n though_o god_n be_v holy_a and_o just_a and_o i_o be_v vile_a and_o guilty_a and_o worthy_a of_o eternal_a perdition_n yet_o why_o shall_v i_o doubt_v of_o mercy_n and_o forgiveness_n and_o of_o support_n and_o comfort_n in_o the_o darkness_n of_o death_n and_o of_o justification_n in_o the_o day_n of_o judgement_n from_o a_o merciful_a and_o faithful_a god_n through_o a_o powerful_a redeemer_n and_o advocate_n see_v as_o a_o humble_a penitent_a believer_n i_o lie_v at_o his_o foot_n and_o cast_v myself_o into_o his_o arm_n and_o wait_v on_o his_o grace_n and_o be_o resolve_v to_o keep_v his_o way_n and_o never_o to_o return_v to_o folly_n i_o more_o desire_n to_o be_v sincere_a than_o to_o know_v that_o i_o be_o so_o the_o comfort_n and_o delight_n of_o be_v and_o do_v good_a i_o fetch_v not_o so_o much_o by_o as_o the_o very_o be_v and_o do_v good_n to_o love_n god_n and_o to_o be_v conformable_a to_o he_o be_v that_o which_o i_o most_o of_o all_o desire_n shall_v be_v in_o i_o i_o will_v trust_v god_n in_o his_o way_n i_o will_v strive_v against_o a_o over-timorous_a solicitude_n about_o my_o own_o salvation_n and_o will_v commit_v myself_o to_o god_n who_o be_v the_o infinite_a goodness_n and_o love_n and_o i_o will_v lie_v down_o and_o take_v my_o repose_n therein_o i_o be_o grieve_v when_o i_o observe_v or_o hear_v of_o the_o scandal_n of_o some_o professor_n and_o the_o disorder_n of_o those_o that_o be_v in_o charity_n to_o bejudge_v sincere_a and_o the_o folly_n and_o frailty_n of_o the_o more_o sincere_a and_o upright_a and_o it_o humble_v i_o by_o cause_v i_o to_o reflect_v upon_o myself_o and_o my_o 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