Salvation Iohn Howe Mr. CORBET's ENQUIRY INTO THE State of his Soul His Introduction IN order to peace of conscience and assurance of my good estate towards God it must in reason be supposed that I may rightly understand the marks of sincerity set down in Gods Word as also the predominant inclination and motions of my own soul and that I may be so far assured of my right understanding of the things aforesaid as to have no reasonable ground of doubting thereof For I have no other ordinary way to know my sincerity in order to the said peace and assurance but to examine it according to my best understanding by the marks thereof set down in Gods Word In this Self-Examination it is requisite that I use all Diligence and Impartiality with Constancy and that I earnestly pray for Gods assistance in it and heartily offer my self to his search as David did Psal. 139. 23. Wherefore if upon the most impartial and diligent search that I can make according to the best of my understanding together with earnest and constant Prayer to God to assist me therein as in my greatest concern it doth most rationally appear to me that the predominant inclination and motions of my soul are agreeable to the marks of sincerity set down in Gods Word then my conscience doing its office aright is to judge for me accordingly viz. that I am sincere And in this judgment I am to acquiesce because it is the Judgment of Gods Agent and Minister which he hath set up within me to judge under him of my internal state according to his Law by which he himself doth and will judge me God hath the same aspect upon the Soul which Conscience his Vicegerent hath as it from time to time or ordinarily judgeth not against him or without him but under him and according to his judgment either acquitting or condemning To this purpose the Apostle speaketh 1 John 3. 20 21. If our heart condemn us God is greater than our Heart and knoweth all things If our heart condemn us not then have we confidence towards God The State of my Own SOUL According to the strictest Search that I can make Psal. 139. 23 24. Search me O Lord and know my Heart try me and know my Thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way Everlasting Amen The following particulars were set down in Decemb. Jan. Feb. An. 1663. AS far as I am able to discern my heart and wayes I have chosen the Lord for my portion I take up my rest in him and not in the Creature To love and fear and admire and bless him and to have communion with him is my chief joy And the eternal Vision and Fruition of God is my great hope I would not only have God herafter but here in this World for my chief good He is even now better than all the World I come to God by Jesus Christ. And as I believe in God I believe also in Christ and rejoyce and glory in him and acknowledging my own sinfulness and unworthyness I rest intirely on him as the ground of my justification to Life and of all favour and acceptance with God I receive Christ as my Lord and give up my self to him I let him into my heart by Faith I esteem him precious and am willing to suffer the loss of all that I may win him I desire to know him in the Power of his Death and Resurrection and am much grieved that I do so weakly experience that power and feel it no more operative in me in my dying to sin and 〈◊〉 World and in living and walking in the Spirit I do not cease to lament the more heinous sins of my Life and cannot forbear the continual imploring of the pardon of them I do not return again to them and I resolve never so to do I watch and pray and strive against all sin but especially against those sins to which I am more especially inclined my conflicts are daily and am put hard to it But I do not yield up my self to any sin nor lie down in it yea I do not suffer sinful Cogitations to lodge in me Howbeit I am many times much discomposed damped in Spirit deadned in Duty distracted in my Studies and molested and hindered every way by the sin that dwelleth in me But I resolve that sin shall have no rest in my soul and that I will never injoy it Though I cannot keep sin out of my heart yet it doth not reign in my mortal body nor do I yield my members to the service of it I would fulfil all Righteousness and owe nothing to any man but love I had a hundred sold rather suffer wrong than do wrong It was said of Christ that no guile was found in his mouth and of the faithful Company that followed the Lamb that no guile was found in their mouth And that it may be so with me I indeavour with my whole heart I trust God with my chiefest outward Concernment even with that about which I am most Solicitous and wherein to be satisfied is of great moment to me for that it hath as great an influence upon my Spirit as any outward thing hath And I do believe that God will provide for me herein or otherwise supply the want of it My earnest desire of God is that my outward condition may be so stated by his Wife and Gracious providence as I may be least exposed to temptation and best disposed and furthered unto Duty I have an Inclination to seek Self particularly in vain applause and that in Religious services and herein I have been highly guilty but I shame my self for it before God and I am willing to be satisfied in the Praise that comes from him alone and I trust through his Grace that I can deny my self in matter of Reputation to do his Will I love the Lord Jesus Christ and all his Saints The broken estate of the Church especialy by intestine Evils is a great trouble to my Spirit The scandals of professors I am truly grieved at and I would not by their weaknesses seek to excuse my own faults or an advancing of my own Virtues I have no setled Bitterness and Revenge against my Enemies but I love pitty and pray for them As concerning God's Enemies I am more provoked but I would not be inhumane or cruel against them For the wrath of Man worketh not the Righteousness of God I contemn none I would not imbitter the Spirit of any I would answer all obligations of courtesy as accounting it a Righteousness I would not insult over the weakness of any and this is partly out of Natural tenderness and Moral Considerations and I find that the goodness and kindness of God the meekness gentleness of Christ hath here unto made Impression upon me I find upon the review of my Life past according to the clearest judgment that I can make that I have not gone
Servant O Lord but Remember me and Spare me according to thy great Mercy in Christ Jesus the great Propitiation for Sin in whom I desire to be found and under the Covert of whose Wing I stand that I may be Saved from thy Wrath and injoy thy Peace and live in thy Presence where is fulness of Joy and Pleasures for evermore Feb. 22. 1678 9 GOd will never Damn in Hell any Soul that hath the habitual predominant Love of God though culpably Remiss and otherwise Sinful while he remaineth such yea Hell and such Love of God are inconsistent I Love the Holy Will of God with all my Heart and hate all Disconformity to it Nothing is more Grievous to me than to displease God and nothing is more Pleasant to me than to please him I strive after Christian perfection I labour to be unbottomed of Self to dye to Self-advancement to Self-gloriation and to all selfish joys and to live wholly in and to God and to have Self swallowed up in the Love of Him I labour in the work of Self-resignation that my Will may be confined to and included in the Will of God I strive after Patience in its perfect Work and do find a willingness to yield to Gods Will in my Chastisements I still Justify God and do not entertain an hard Thought of his Dealing with me but conclude that it is altogether Holy Just and Good and for the best I feel my Sin a greater burden to me than my Affliction I had rather have Health of Soul in a Body full of Pain than Health and Ease of Body with a Distempered Soul And the Sense of my great Sinfulness disposeth me to Patience under my Afflicting Infirmities of Body I narrowly watch my Heart that it may not lodge or admit a vain Thought When I am surprized with Vanity I suppress it as soon as I observe it I am very fearful of offending in a Word When on the Sudden and by Incogitancy I have spoken a Word which upon Second Thoughts is doubtful to me though I had not such doubt in the speaking of it I have been much perplexed about it and have engaged my self to a greater Watchfulness Aug. 1680. SUrely Christ hath my Heart Whensoever I swerve from Christ in a Thought Word or Deed it is by inadvertency and surprizal against my fixed Principle and I have great Regret at it and Loath my self for it If I were out of all fear o damnation I had rather be holy then unholy and I take pains and use Gods means to be holy in opposition to the flesh and I make it my chief care And I do this because I make the enjoying of God my chief good and rather than lose the hope thereof I would willingly undergo the sufferings of this Life which lead to that blessed fruition not excepting the fiery-trial it self Aug. 1680. I Hope when the end cometh my God will say to me dear Child thy warfare is accompilshed thine iniquity is pardoned enter thou into my Rest. Therefore I will both hope and quietly wait for the Salvation of God I will hope to the end Strengthen me O my God that I faint not October the 4. 1680. I Have no design I pursue nothing contrary to God's interest but all my designes and pursuits are for God and Holiness I think I am sure of this if I be sure of any thing My great aim and care and labour is to cleanse my self from all filthyness of Flesh and Spirit and to perfect Holyness in the fear of God To whom I yield my self a Servant to obey his Servant I am But I do not yield my self a Servant to sin to obey it but I do yield my self a Servant to God to obey Him The design and business of my life is to do his Will THE WORKINGS OF MY HEART IN MY AFFLICTION Aug. the 5th 1680. THe Will of God in laying this affliction upon me I unfeignedly approve as Holy Just and Good And I am unfeignedly willing to bear the Affliction as it is an Evil laid upon me by his Will till the time come in which he thinks fit to remove it I watch and pray and strive that I may not give way to a repining thought against his holy Hand In this point thē Spirit is willing but the Flesh is weak My mind doth really consent to Gods dispensation and to my submission and being most agreeable to his wise and gracious Government and most conducing to my Salvation But my sensitive part and my mind also as it is in part unrenewed weak and sinful doth greatly reluctate so that I am put hard to it and I must say I am willing Lord help my unwillingness I have not observed in the several dayes that a thought of direct or positive discontentment or vexatious commotion of mind hath been admitted by me nevertheless I see to my grief that I fall exceeding short of that quietness contentation and cheerfulness in my condition and of that sreeness of Self Resignation to Gods Will that I desire and his goodness calls for I wrestle with God by importunate prayer that this thorn in the flesh might depart from me that this distemper might be removed or so mitigated that I might be in some comfortable ease and get a more cheerful freedom in doing my duty Yet I would not wrest this relief out of his hands unseasonably and without his good Will and his Blessing I would wait his time and desire to have it with his love and favour and with a saving benefit And so my earnest desire thereof is limited with submission to his holy Will Yet I find that this submission is no easy matter but that I must take pains with my own heart and that it is God who must work my heart to it and keep under the flesh which is alwaies ready to rebel It is hard to be willing to bear my wearisom condition And O how weak is my heart and ready to sink if it be not upheld by a strength above my own O let His Grace be sufficient for me and let His Power be made perfect in my weakness I feel my self bettered in the inner man by this chastening It hath furthered Mortification and Self-denyal and done much to the breaking of the heart of Pride and to bring me on towards that more perfect Self-Examination for which I labour It hath much deadned the World to me and my desire to the World It makes me know in earnest the Emptiness of all creatures and how great my concern is in God It drives me close to him and makes me to fetch all my comforts from him I see of how little value all outward contentments are and not only in my present afflicted state but if I were at ease and in full prosperity The sense of this benefit to my soul is the great means of bringing my Will to that weak degree of submission to God's Will to which I have atatined O that I
backward but proceeded forward in the wayes of Godliness And this increase I reckon not by sudden fits now and then hapening but by the main progress of the work in the total Sum. I have been grieved that I am no more elevated in the hope of Heaven and that I cannot attain to a longing desire to be gone hence and to be there with Christ. I have laboured to raise up my heart and have had enlargement even when deadness and flatness had been upon me I think with my self sometimes were my Evidences clear for Heaven I would exalt to be gone hence this very hour but I find not this readiness at all times When I have had a good enterprize in hand for God's Glory and some publick benefit I watched against Vanity of mind and vain Glory in carrying it on and I desire purely to aym at God ' s Glory and to be satisfied with my reward in him And I take heed that I forget not my Mortality when I am pursuing that design but I would fain bring up my self to this frame to be contented to be taken hence in the midst of it as judging that I shall be no looser by my removal and God cannot stand in need of that Service Lord forgive my inordinate self-love which hath disturbed the Actings of pure Charity in divers passages of Moment For self-love in my sensitive appetite hath had motions contrary to the Love of God and my Neighbour Nevertheless my Judgment hath disallowed it and I have for the most part acted against it and for that which the Love of God and my Neighbour did command O Lord forgive my ten thousand Talents I come to Jesus Christ who hath made satisfaction and lay this heavy reckoning to his account Lord forgive my Iniquity for it is exceeding great These following passages were set down March 4. An. 1675. UPon the Review of the foregoing Evidences after Twelve Years I find through Grace the same abiding in me and more and more Rooted And some particulars which did make me more to doubt of my good Estate I find to be since that time in a greater degree vanquished I have done what in me lies to call to remembrance all my remarkable Sins from my Childhood and Youth till now And as far as I can Judg I have Repented of them both generally and particularly And I now Repent of them all from the bottom of my Heart with a self Abhorrence if I can know my own Heart by the strictest and most impartial search that I can make Upon the best Judgment that I can make of the Nature of Sin and the Frame of my own Heart and Course of Life I know no Sin lying upon me which doth not consist with habitual Repentance and with the hatred of Sin and with an unseigned consent that God be my Saviour and Sanctifier and with the Loving of God above all The Mercy of God towards me in the prolonging of the day of Grace in the strivings of his Spirit in his Chastisements in the checks of Conscience in the Recovery of my Soul out of Distempers and Backslidings doth greatly affect my Heart and strongly engage me to Him and doth often call upon my Soul and all that is within me to Bless his holy Name Though my Spiritual growth be very low and slow yet to this present time I have not grown Worse but Better speaking of growth in the whole space or greater spaces of my time past and not every particular Day By Prayer and Endeavours long continued I have in some measure overcome a special very Sinful Distemster of Mind and gained the contrary Temper against a natural Propensity Though my Faith in Christ be weak yet to have part in his Promises I am ready to part with all that is dear in this World and I have no hope of Happiness but in Christ. Though I have had doubtings touching the promised Salvation yet I know that as to my own Felicity I prize nothing more than that Salvation being the glorifying and injoying God for Ever and I Embrace it as my best Good I Love Christ whom I have not seen and I am affected towards him as towards a person who taught and did the most excellent Things and promised a most excellent State to his Followers and purchased their Redemption at the dearest rate I am heartily grieved for loving God so little yet I am sure This I Wrote according to a full perswasion at that time I Love nothing more than God and in my esteem and choice I prefer the Spiritual Divine and Heavenly Life imcomparably before the Carnal Animal Earthly Life And this esteem and choice is made good by performance in Ordinary I Love to Love God And I desire this Love not only as an evidence of my Salvation but for it self I had much rather have a heart to love him perfectly than to have all the Riches Honours and Pleasures of this World My Conscience beares me witness that in the present exercise of my ministry I have no self-end of Worldly Advantage or Reputation among Men or any Interest of the Carnal Mind but if the Command of Christ and the necessities of Souls did not oblige me to this Service I should gladly retire to Privacy and Solitude My Temporal Estate is mean and low yet I am Contented with it and humbly bless God for what I have I Live in as narrow a compass for Expences as I can that I might have something to give to the Poor and to be helpful to those that are in Need according to my Ability And as God hath required of us to Love Mercy and our Saviour hath said It is a more Blessed thing to give than to receive so I have more pleasure in giving a Portion to the Needy as far as my mean Estate will bear than in laying out for the Delight of my own Sense or Worldly Conveniences And this proceeds not from a conceit of Merit in any thing that I can do but from a Love to please God and do Good Though I have a good Knowledge about the premises yet I am apt to waver about the Conclusion And though I apprehend the Evidences of my Sincerity to be clear yet a Timorousness remains in me Though I have not as yet overcome the Fear of Death yet I am sure that the unwillingness that is in me to Dye is not that I might enjoy the pleasures of Sense or any Gratification of the Animal Life I feel in my self a burden of Sin and Corruption much Sensuality Earthliness Selfishness nevertheless I judg there is that Predominancy of Love to God and Holiness which I hope is unmoveably seated in my Soul whereupon I hope that it cannot be that I should be cast out of his blissful Presence into that Perdition which is a State of immutable hatred of him And I apprehend that the most horrid and hellish state of Hell it self lyes in its Everlasting and utmost Enmity against
God Thus I am searching and trying my heart and wayes and what I find by my self I write down that I may have it by me for my relief in an Evil day and an hour of temptation For I must expect the time when by weakness or anguish of Body or mind I may be disabled to recollect my self and duly to state the case of my own Soul And the Powers of Nature may so fail that I may have but a very weak Apprehension of what I have to do in this great Concernment I am warned by the parable of the ten Virgins to look to it that together with my Lamp I may have Oyl in my Vessel and be ready to enter in with the Bridegroom at his coming Lord be Merciful to me a sinner to me one of the chiefest of Sinners O my exceeding sinfulness O the Riches of thy goodness towards me Should not I loath my Carnal self should not I grieve for grieving thy Spirit I desire to do so I hope to do so Do what thou wilt with me so thou pardon and Sanctify and save me I am afraid of thy judgments I can endure but little O how weak is my heart Nevertheless I will endeavour and I trust through Grace that that I shall be enabled to bear thy correcting hand Thou art Wise and Holy Thou art Merciful and Gracious Thou retainest not thine Anger for ever because thou delightest in mercy O spare me and consider me and deal with me not after my Sins and reward me not after mine Iniquities but as far as the East is from the West so far remove my transgressions from me comfort me and satisfy me for I wait for relief from thee Whatsoever befalls me I will put my trust in thee I believe O Lord help my unbelief Lord increase my Faith O my God I lie at thy feet and Mercy I put my sinful distressed Soul into the hands of Jesus Christ and I rest on the Covenant of grace made in him as all my Salvation and all my desire Amen More Observations touching the State of my Soul March the 27th 1676. O The wonderful mercy of God towards me a most vile and â—â—etched sinner in convincing rebuking and awakening me unto a self-abhorrence and an utter detestation of my sins my special sins so that I cannot be reconciled to them Since the more powerful awakening of my Conscience I never have and am perswaded never shall return to those former sins which made a breach between God and my Soul I hate every sin impartially A sinful state is in my internal sense an horrid and an hellish state I finde my self firmly resolved to give up any part of my worldly Estate that I shall be found to hold to anothers Wrong If it be doubtful where the Right lies I am resolved first to indeavour a Reference to Conscientious knowing Men and if that cannot be fitly had to submit it to a Legal Tryal with a desire that Right may take place I know not that I hold any 〈◊〉 Estate or that there is any doubt of my Legal Right to any thing that I possess but I have made supposition for the Tryal of my own Spirit When I had a Father or Mother I would have trusted them to defend or deliver me from any Evil from which it was in their power to defend or deliver me In the same manner I now trust to my loving Wife Why then should I be suspicious of God in whose Hands I am Why should I doubt of his Dear Love and Tender Mercy towards me or call in question his good Will to preserve or deliver me from any Affliction that would be too hard for me to bear or to sustain and comfort me under any Suffering which he sees fit to inflict upon me If when I was more careless and forgetful of God and when I ventured upon breaches with him he was pleased to convince me of my Sin and to rouze me up to a greater Care and to make me more earnest for Pardon and for Healing and for all needful Grace and more throughly Resolved to follow him throughout surely he will not refuse me in my Addresses for more Grace and a more confirmed State of Holiness If I follow on to know the Lord I shall know him and see his Salvation Though Death and Judgment be of dreadful Consideration though God be Holy and Just and I be vile and guilty and worthy of eternal Perdition yet why should I doubt of Mercy and Forgiveness and of Support and Comfort in the Darkness of Death and of Justification in the Day of Judgment from a Merciful and Faithful God through a Powerful Redeemer and Advocate seeing as a humble Penitent Believer I lye at his Feet and cast my self into his Arms and wait on his Grace and am resolved to keep his Wayes and never to return to Folly I more desire to be Sincere than to know that I am so The comfort and delight of being and doing Good I fet not so much by as the very being and doing Good To Love God and to be Conformable to him is that which I most of all desire should be in me I will trust God in his Wayes I will strive against an over-timorous sollicitude about my own Salvation and will commit my self to God who is the infinite Goodness and Love and I will lye down and take my Repose therein I am grieved when I observe or hear of the Scandals of some Professors and the disorders of those that are in Charity to bejudged Sincere and the follies and frailties of the more Sincere and Upright And it humbles me by causing me to reflect upon my self and my own Faultiness and Weakness and Proness to Offend and it makes me more to desire the Heavenly Society and to be among the Spirits of Just Men made perfect My Sins of Sensuality in every kind and degree I search out and Repent of I am kept by Grace from gross Sins of this sort In the Gratifications of Sense which are Lawful in general I Scrupulously dread Excess and unduness of Circumstances How earnestly do I desire an absolute Purity All Envy Unrighteousness Uncharitableness Uncompassionateness Undutifulness and base Selfishness which is the Root of all I have Seen Lamented and Abhorred The motions and stirrings of Mind that way are suppressed and dislodged I will never give way thereunto Self-applauding Self-seeking in matter of Praise and Honour before Men I strive against I desire to be as Sincere to anothers Reputation as to my own I would not value others by their regard to me but by their true Worth I would be contented to be little in the Eyes of others This I unfeignedly desire and endeavour and I hope that I have it in some good Degree All my Omissions and Negligences in the Work of the Ministry in Preaching in Personal private Application I bewail and heartily resolve upon more diligence and faithfulness Enter not into Judgment with thy