task_n as_o appear_v by_o his_o most_o diligent_a and_o divine_a diary_n this_o necessary_a but_o much_o neglect_a work_n of_o self-tryal_n i_o find_v he_o begin_v at_o the_o spring-time_n aequinoctial_a upon_o the_o 10._o of_o march_n 1681_o ‥_o o_o holy_a and_o happy_a soul_n that_o have_v now_o his_o hard_a freeze_a heart_n thus_o kind_o thaw_v by_o a_o look_n of_o love_n from_o the_o son_n of_o righteousness_n as_o peter_n be_v by_o a_o look_v from_o his_o lord_n luke_n 22.61_o 62_o hereby_o the_o lord_n help_v he_o to_o say_v with_o the_o bridegroom_n in_o the_o song_n the_o winter_n be_v pass_v the_o rain_n be_v over_o and_o go_v the_o flower_n appear_v on_o the_o earth_n etc._n etc._n cant._n 2.10_o 11_o 12_o 13.1_o most_o bless_a spring_n of_o grace_n better_a than_o that_o of_o grass_n be_v now_o upon_o he_o though_o i_o can_v give_v so_o distinct_a a_o account_n of_o his_o diary_n as_o i_o will_v because_o it_o be_v write_v in_o obscure_a character_n only_o with_o a_o black_a pencil_n intend_v it_o seem_v sole_o for_o hiâ—_n own_o private_a use_n yet_o with_o the_o beâ—â—_n key_n we_o can_v get_v it_o have_v be_v open_v that_o such_o precious_a treasurâ—_n shall_v not_o be_v lose_v but_o communicate_v for_o the_o common_a good_a i_o begin_v here_o from_o the_o manuscript_n both_o as_o to_o the_o matter_n and_o as_o to_o the_o time_n as_o i_o can_v judge_v upon_o what_o sabbath_n day_n i_o hear_v a_o sermon_n upon_o peter_n go_v out_o and_o weep_v bitter_o after_o christ_n have_v look_v upon_o he_o say_v he_o i_o go_v to_o prayer_n that_o night_n and_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o give_v i_o peter_n repentanoe_n and_o in_o the_o earnestness_n of_o spirit_n i_o fall_v flat_a upon_o the_o ground_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o beg_v it_o then_o i_o lay_v long_o till_o i_o have_v some_o comfort_n from_o my_o god_n yet_o remain_v i_o dull_a and_o muddy_a till_o wednesday_n night_n and_o then_o have_v i_o some_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n again_o even_o a_o new_a taste_n of_o his_o first_o goodness_n and_o comfort_n in_o prayer_n on_o thursday_n night_n do_v i_o meet_v he_o who_o my_o soul_n love_v again_o which_o i_o find_v very_o useful_a to_o i_o find_v by_o woeful_a experience_n that_o without_o christ_n strengthen_v i_o i_o can_v do_v nothing_o spiritual_o nor_o before_o the_o sabbath_n ensue_v nor_o in_o it_o have_v i_o the_o sweet_a communion_n with_o god_n i_o use_v to_o have_v before_o but_o on_o monday_n night_n i_o meet_v my_o god_n have_v a_o pretty_a deal_n of_o time_n that_o evening_n for_o tuesday_n morning_n be_v not_o so_o good_a nor_o can_v i_o raise_v my_o heart_n at_o night_n till_o it_o be_v very_o late_o and_o then_o have_v i_o my_o former_a sweetness_n but_o much_o more_o upon_o wednesday_n the_o same_o i_o find_v upon_o the_o sabbath_n follow_v and_o on_o monday_n night_n and_o on_o the_o next_o night_n also_o though_o everdul_a at_o the_o first_o yet_o enlarge_v after_o upon_o wednesday_n night_n i_o pray_v twice_o successive_o and_o find_v more_o than_o ordinary_a income_n on_o thursday_n again_o i_o have_v inlargement_n but_o at_o the_o close_a the_o devil_n make_v i_o drowsy_a to_o cut_v short_a my_o duty_n etc._n etc._n but_o on_o friday_n my_o heart_n be_v keep_v better_o raise_v on_o saturday_n i_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o direct_v i_o how_o i_o may_v meet_v the_o blessing_n of_o the_o next_o sabbath_n which_o through_o grace_n i_o meet_v with_o on_o that_o day_n yet_o be_v trouble_v with_o wander_n in_o my_o evening_n duty_n on_o monday_n the_o presence_n of_o god_n be_v with_o i_o and_o make_v my_o duty_n sweet_a at_o night_n on_o tuesday_n i_o meet_v with_o a_o precious_a opportunity_n for_o my_o soul_n good_a on_o wednesday_n i_o do_v not_o so_o well_o which_o make_v i_o chide_v my_o soul_n for_o no_o better_o requite_v the_o lord_n kindness_n on_o thursday_n morning_n i_o have_v god_n presence_n &_o the_o same_o at_o night_n though_o trouble_v with_o wander_n on_o friday_n i_o have_v many_o outward_a mercy_n yet_o can_v improve_v aright_o neither_o god_n word_n of_o grace_n nor_o his_o work_n of_o mercy_n on_o saturday_n have_v spare_a time_n from_o business_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n thrice_o for_o a_o large_a sight_n of_o the_o light_n of_o his_o countenance_n when_o the_o sabbath_n come_v the_o lord_n give_v i_o a_o answer_n of_o peace_n etc._n etc._n thus_o may_v a_o large_a account_n of_o this_o gracious_a youngman_n self-tryal_n and_o watch_n over_o his_o own_o way_n from_o month_n to_o month_n all_o along_o but_o because_o to_o do_v so_o distinct_o from_o day_n to_o day_n will_v fill_v a_o volume_n i_o must_v therefore_o wave_v it_o and_o that_o not_o out_o of_o judgement_n only_o but_o out_o of_o necessity_n also_o see_v the_o key_n that_o open_v his_o charactars_n can_v not_o reach_v they_o all_o neither_o in_o point_n of_o time_n nor_o in_o point_n of_o matter_n the_o judicious_a reader_n may_v easy_o imagine_v that_o this_o defect_n will_v lame_a we_o in_o this_o work_n yet_o though_o it_o cost_v i_o unspeakable_a trouble_n and_o pain_n i_o shall_v follow_v my_o thread_n in_o this_o labyrinth_n i_o have_v already_o give_v a_o exact_a account_n how_o he_o examine_v himself_o upon_o every_o monthly_a sacrament_n from_o august_n 7._o 1681._o to_o jan._n 7._o 1681_o 3._o which_o be_v the_o last_o he_o do_v partake_v of_o for_o not_o long_o after_o his_o dear_a redeemer_n who_o he_o have_v so_o oft_o admire_v and_o embrace_v in_o the_o lord_n supper_n upon_o earth_n call_v he_o home_o to_o sup_v and_o feast_n with_o he_o in_o heaven_n as_o to_o his_o self-tryal_n at_o all_o other_o time_n between_o every_o one_o of_o those_o seventeen_o sacrament_n i_o shall_v proceed_v to_o relate_v so_o far_o as_o my_o key_n will_v carry_v i_o the_o best_a computation_n i_o can_v make_v out_o of_o the_o many_o manuscript_n consist_v of_o above_o thirty_o sheet_n which_o i_o have_v to_o abridge_v and_o methodize_v draw_v out_o of_o his_o diary_n pocket-book_n and_o almanac_n etc._n etc._n he_o renew_v his_o self-examining_a work_n again_o upon_o march_n 17._o 1681_o 2._o be_v friday_n how_o he_o spend_v all_o the_o time_n from_o the_o last_o march_n to_o this_o save_v only_o relate_v to_o the_o sacrament_n we_o must_v be_v content_a to_o want_v it_o for_o want_v of_o better_a help_n but_o upon_o that_o day_n he_o have_v leave_v upon_o record_n he_o have_v wander_v thought_n in_o duty_n do_v little_a for_o the_o good_a of_o other_o my_o sin_n say_v he_o lie_v but_o light_n i_o mourn_v not_o for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n i_o look_v not_o into_o my_o own_o heart_n nor_o be_v i_o concern_v in_o holy_a ejaculation_n the_o same_o he_o say_v of_o himself_o in_o spend_v the_o 18_o and_o march_v the_o 19_o be_v the_o sabbath_n he_o remark_n the_o same_o omission_n and_o not_o have_v a_o frame_n suitable_a to_o the_o day_n yea_o in_o night-duty_n pester_v with_o wander_n on_o march_n 20._o i_o arise_v from_o table_n without_o droop_v be_v full_a glad_a to_o meet_v god_n there_o march_n 21._o have_v the_o former_a omission_n and_o heaven_n little_a in_o my_o sight_n 22d_o day_n can_v not_o mourn_v for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n and_o the_o same_o frame_n be_v upon_o i_o the_o 23._o and_o 24._o nor_o can_v i_o do_v better_a or_o look_v into_o my_o heart_n the_o 25_o of_o march_n 1682._o nor_o the_o six_o follow_a day_n of_o that_o month_n can_v he_o shake_v of_o those_o omission_n april_n the_o first_o he_o brand_v himself_o with_o the_o same_o neglect_v the_o second_o day_n he_o add_v to_o those_o neglect_n that_o wander_a thought_n have_v eat_v up_o the_o life_n of_o his_o duty_n on_o the_o three_o the_o same_o complaint_n on_o the_o four_o miss_v vain_a thought_n in_o a_o good_a measure_n yet_o only_o through_o the_o strength_n oâ—_n christ_n but_o on_o five_o he_o add_v god_n our_o of_o sight_n &_o heaven_n out_o of_o mind_n on_o the_o six_o he_o make_v the_o same_o moan_n of_o seven_o my_o own_o sin_n and_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n lie_v too_o light_a upon_o my_o heart_n etc._n etc._n eight_o the_o same_o and_o that_o he_o have_v do_v nothing_o extraordinary_a for_o the_o church_n in_o herday_o of_o distress_n nine_o the_o same_o yet_o have_v some_o good_a thought_n but_o trouble_v with_o wander_n ten_o the_o same_o and_o so_o the_o eleven_o add_v i_o have_v be_v this_o day_n tempt_v to_o pride_n so_o the_o twelve_o thirteen_o and_o fourteen_o be_v fill_v with_o the_o like_a complaint_n and_o fifteen_o he_o add_v i_o have_v be_v spend_v this_o noon_n much_o too_o vain_o the_o sixteenth_o be_v the_o sabbath_n he_o bless_a god_n that_o distraction_n have_v not_o dull_v he_o
in_o duty_n 17_o have_v like_a to_o have_v fall_v into_o passion_n but_o god_n disappoint_v it_o yet_o not_o much_o in_o holy_a ejaculation_n etc._n etc._n eighteen_o not_o up_o early_o have_v my_o former_a omission_n and_o commission_n the_o ninteenth_n twenty_v and_o twenty_o first_o yea_o to_o the_o end_n of_o april_n he_o arraigns_n himself_n as_o guilty_a of_o all_o those_o aforesaid_a crime_n then_o may_v 1_o 2_o 3_o 4_o 5_o 6._o complain_v of_o all_o those_o evil_n add_v that_o hurrey_n of_o his_o trade_n at_o this_o time_n do_v provoke_v he_o more_o to_o passion_n but_o sometime_o god_n help_v he_o to_o subdue_v it_o etc._n etc._n the_o 7._o be_v sabbath_n day_n sin_n set_v too_o light_a do_v not_o mourn_v for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n not_o enough_o in_o holy_a ejaculation_n nor_o in_o look_v into_o my_o own_o heart_n nor_o serious_o mind_v the_o word_n of_o god_n 8_o 9_o 10_o 11_o 12_o 13._o the_o same_o little_a life_n much_o dullness_n be_v weary_v with_o the_o hurry_v of_o the_o world_n 14_o frothy_a discourse_n with_o some_o delight_n o_o sin_n sin_n lay_v too_o light_a both_o i_o own_o and_o the_o land_n sin_n 15_o 16_o 17_o 18_o 19_o the_o same_o complaint_n 20._o neglect_v to_o read_v god_n word_n 21_o 22_o 23._o so_o on_o to_o the_o end_n of_o may_n he_o cry_v out_o i_o have_v do_v nothing_o for_o myself_o nor_o the_o church_n i_o have_v not_o be_v myself_o hardly_o know_v what_o i_o do_v through_o the_o hurry_v of_o the_o world_n o_o the_o world_n the_o world_n be_v a_o saâ—_n impediment_n to_o my_o soul_n god_n have_v not_o be_v in_o my_o mind_n heaven_n out_o of_o my_o sight_n i_o have_v not_o mourn_v for_o my_o own_o sin_n nor_o those_o of_o the_o land_n nor_o have_v holy_a ejaculation_n etc._n etc._n thus_o he_o say_v particular_o upon_o every_o day_n add_v thus_o i_o continue_v till_o the_o four_o of_o june_n be_v always_o weary_v with_o work_n and_o unfit_a for_o any_o good_a o_o it_o have_v be_v a_o sad_a time_n for_o my_o soul_n thus_o likewise_o i_o neglect_v till_o the_o 17_o of_o june_n on_o which_o i_o renew_v my_o covenant_n with_o god_n yet_o 18_o 19_o the_o same_o neglect_v prevail_v only_o on_o the_o 20._o i_o have_v some_o holy_a ejaculation_n but_o 21_o 22._o the_o same_o and_o 23._o i_o pray_v not_o over_o the_o sermon_n as_o i_o shall_v have_v do_v and_o omit_v all_o as_o before_o 24_o still_o pester_v with_o former_a neglect_n o_o sad_a sad_a that_o i_o shall_v be_v thus_o carry_v under_o grace_n thus_o he_o moan_n on_o 25_o 26._o and_o so_o on_o to_o the_o end_n of_o june_n on_o every_o day_n i_o have_v do_v little_a for_o the_o church_n or_o for_o my_o soul_n have_v not_o read_v god_n word_n sin_n sit_v too_o light_a not_o mourn_v for_o my_o own_o sin_n nor_o for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n heaven_n have_v be_v out_o of_o sight_n and_o god_n out_o of_o mind_n too_o little_o have_v i_o be_v in_o holy_a ejaculation_n with_o wander_n not_o oft_o look_v into_o my_o own_o heart_n etc._n etc._n july_n 1682._o from_o 1_o to_o 10._o he_o complain_v particular_o upon_o each_o day_n in_o the_o same_o word_n be_v too_o much_o wander_n in_o holy_a duty_n too_o little_a sense_n of_o sin_n upon_o my_o heart_n i_o have_v not_o mourn_v enough_o for_o my_o own_o sin_n nor_o for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n not_o much_o in_o ejaculation_n heaven_n too_o much_o out_o of_o sight_n etc._n etc._n sometime_o add_v i_o neglect_v read_v god_n word_n have_v do_v little_a for_o god_n church_n have_v not_o mind_v my_o soul_n nor_o god_n praise_n etc._n etc._n then_o conclude_v these_o ten_o day_n with_o this_o divine_a rapture_n o_fw-la this_o deadly_a thing_n sin_n have_v not_o due_o affect_v my_o heart_n into_o what_o a_o sad_a state_n be_v my_o soul_n fall_v o_o my_o god_n i_o beseech_v thou_o leave_v i_o not_o this_o same_o complaint_n concern_v those_o several_a omission_n he_o carry_v on_o against_o himself_o quite_o through_o july_n to_o the_o last_o day_n august_n 1682._o he_o make_v the_o same_o moan_n of_o the_o same_o neglect_v all_o along_o the_o month_n upon_o the_o head_n of_o every_o day_n of_o the_o four_o week_n distinct_o yet_o sometime_o add_v god_n help_v i_o on_o the_o 2_o of_o august_n against_o my_o deadly_a sin_n on_o the_o 6_o day_n be_v the_o sabbath_n i_o be_v less_o trouble_v with_o wander_n than_o i_o be_v the_o day_n after_o on_o the_o 8_o day_n i_o arise_v from_o supper_n without_o drop_v any_o savoury_a word_n at_o the_o table_n on_o the_o 11._o god_n keep_v i_o much_o from_o my_o sin_n this_o day_n on_o the_o 13._o i_o have_v much_o of_o god_n in_o my_o night_n prayer_n though_o the_o devil_n tell_v i_o i_o have_v not_o beg_v god_n presence_n my_o dear_a lord_n help_v i_o to_o repulse_v he_o with_o ease_n on_o the_o 16_o out_o of_o order_n all_o the_o day_n but_o at_o night_n god_n shine_v upon_o my_o soul_n more_o than_o a_o long_a time_n before_o but_o lose_v all_o the_o two_o follow_a day_n be_v hurry_v with_o cast_v up_o our_o shop_n go_v backward_o not_o forward_o on_o 19_o i_o feel_v my_o deadly_a sin_n crawl_v apace_o towards_o my_o heart_n which_o put_v i_o upon_o examination_n the_o 20._o day_n and_o find_v it_o not_o in_o vain_a to_o cast_v my_o burden_n upon_o the_o lord_n for_o i_o have_v thereby_o relief_n against_o my_o pride_n etc._n etc._n for_o which_o i_o have_v cry_v mighty_o to_o the_o lord_n my_o god_n after_o which_o i_o have_v sweet_a communion_n with_o god_n than_o the_o tempter_n strong_o tempt_v i_o to_o neglect_v hear_v and_o read_v the_o word_n but_o put_v up_o a_o ejaculation_n i_o have_v strength_n to_o overcome_v he_o again_o after_o hear_v a_o sermon_n i_o go_v down_o into_o the_o cellar_n to_o pray_v where_o the_o devil_n will_v affright_v i_o that_o something_o will_v appear_v which_o through_o the_o help_n of_o my_o dear_a redeemer_n i_o stout_o resist_v and_o bid_v satan_n defiance_n than_o he_o object_v against_o i_o my_o deadly_a sin_n which_o i_o can_v not_o but_o own_o yet_o can_v he_o not_o make_v i_o think_v so_o long_o upon_o it_o as_o to_o distract_v i_o in_o duty_n which_o be_v the_o devil_n design_n but_o osubtil_a serpent_n my_o lord_n goodness_n strengthen_v i_o to_o triumph_v over_o thou_o and_o i_o have_v a_o comfortable_a season_n upon_o the_o 21_o of_o august_n 1682._o all_o my_o old_a neglect_n prevail_v and_o wander_n in_o my_o night_n prayer_n but_o god_n hear_v my_o ejaculation_n i_o get_v up_o early_o in_o the_o morning_n which_o sweet_a way_n i_o have_v much_o neglect_v through_o weariness_n with_o worldly_a work_n to_o pray_v wherein_o i_o find_v much_o of_o god_n o_o my_o soul_n love_v that_o lovely_a lovely_a one_o thy_o lord_n who_o have_v hear_v thou_o have_v do_v be_v do_v great_a thing_n for_o thou_o and_o will_v do_v great_a on_o the_o 26._o i_o neglect_v read_v the_o word_n be_v too_o much_o about_o worldly_a affair_n which_o take_v i_o off_o from_o god_n and_o i_o lose_v my_o time_n in_o duty_n nor_o can_v i_o get_v up_o my_o thought_n to_o my_o god_n in_o my_o hurry_v yet_o on_o the_o saturday_n follow_v i_o recover_v a_o bless_a frame_n o_o my_o soul_n love_n and_o praise_v the_o lord_n for_o ever_o september_n the_o 2._o i_o be_v at_o a_o fast_o for_o the_o fire_n of_o london_n where_o i_o be_v not_o free_a of_o my_o aforesaid_a omission_n yet_o wait_v there_o all_o the_o day_n at_o length_n have_v the_o sweet_a presence_n of_o god_n on_o the_o 4._o i_o have_v heaven_n in_o my_o sight_n and_o but_o little_o trouble_v with_o wander_n yet_o too_o little_o look_v i_o into_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o sit_v up_o late_o for_o duty_n and_o god_n make_v it_o sweet_a to_o i_o on_o the_o seven_o he_o make_v his_o old_a moan_n against_o himself_o say_v i_o feat_n my_o own_o self_n righteousness_n the_o 10._o god_n discover_v my_o deadly_a sin_n which_o cause_v his_o withdrawment_n from_o i_o and_o that_o wish_v to_o die_v to_o avoid_v misery_n by_o god_n withdrawing_n be_v but_o a_o pang_n of_o passion_n the_o 15._o old_a wander_n etc._n etc._n return_v i_o think_v my_o murmur_a be_v the_o cause_n i_o first_o read_v isa_n 65.22_o 23_o 24._o from_o whence_o upon_o my_o ejaculation_n god_n speak_v comfort_n to_o i_o so_o have_v after_o delight_n in_o duty_n the_o 19_o god_n discover_v another_o sin_n my_o seeking_z the_o praise_n of_o man_n that_o darken_v his_o face_n from_o i_o the_o 23._o but_o little_a sensible_a how_o i_o have_v grieve_v away_o god_n good_a spirit_n in_o morning_n prayer_n the_o 25._o have_v little_a sense_n of_o god_n put_v a_o vail_n
over_o his_o face_n towards_o i_o which_o i_o bewail_v little_a the_o other_o day_n of_o this_o month_n i_o neglect_v be_v out_o of_o town_n to_o take_v a_o account_n of_o only_o in_o the_o general_n i_o observe_v that_o my_o deadly_a sin_n prevail_v most_o while_o my_o soul_n be_v most_o cloud_v october_n the_o one_a my_o old_a distraction_n disturb_a i_o run_v from_o the_o cellar_n up_o to_o the_o closet_n and_o from_o thence_o to_o the_o cellar_n again_o yet_o have_v through_o grace_n a_o little_a of_o god_n presence_n the_o second_o i_o be_v too_o rash_a in_o speak_v a_o thing_n that_o be_v not_o so_o the_o 3._o i_o be_v unwilling_a to_o pray_v in_o the_o cellar_n at_o night_n yet_o make_v willing_a to_o go_v i._o find_v much_o of_o the_o presence_n of_o he_o who_o have_v thus_o incline_v i_o the_o 4._o i_o speak_v not_o of_o god_n in_o company_n of_o other_o yet_o with_o another_o companion_n my_o god_n help_v i_o to_o savoury_a discourse_n in_o prayer_n but_o then_o to_o epsom_n till_o the_o 14_o day_n i_o be_v under_o dreadful_a desertion_n which_o make_v i_o cry_v out_o woe_n be_v i_o i_o have_v sin_v away_o my_o god_n by_o my_o mind_v the_o world_n too_o much_o and_o my_o god_n too_o little_a and_o by_o rely_v too_o much_o on_o my_o own_o strength_n on_o the_o 14._o he_o renew_v his_o old_a complaint_n heaven_n out_o of_o sight_n not_o mourn_v for_o the_o sin_n of_o the_o land_n nor_o my_o own_o etc._n etc._n add_v rose_n from_o table_n without_o any_o thing_n of_o god_n there_o on_o the_o 15_o not_o so_o much_o trouble_v as_o before_o with_o wander_n yet_o sin_n set_v too_o light_a etc._n etc._n the_o 16._o and_o 17._o the_o same_o the_o 18._o and_o 19_o bad_a the_o 20._o not_o so_o bad_a have_v at_o night_n god_n presence_n and_o some_o sense_n of_o sin_n which_o make_v i_o burst_v out_o cry_v how_o have_v i_o be_v hop_v from_o mountain_n to_o hill_n through_o simplicity_n forget_v my_o right_a rest_a place_n o_o that_o those_o lose_a minute_n and_o hour_n have_v be_v spend_v in_o the_o sweet_a converse_n with_o my_o dear_a redeemer_n but_o now_o from_o this_o time_n the_o lord_n grant_v great_a reformation_n in_o john_n draper_n the_o 23._o of_o october_n 1682._o he_o say_v i_o have_v strive_v this_o day_n to_o get_v to_o god_n but_o can_v not_o fast_v and_o three_o time_n pray_v still_o the_o face_n of_o god_n be_v hide_v from_o i_o the_o 24._o still_o under_o god_n withdrawing_n so_o on_o 25_o 26_o and_o 28_o no_o better_o with_o i_o on_o the_o 29_o 30_o and_o 31_o but_o wander_n in_o duty_n no_o right_a mourning_n for_o sin_n dull_a dead_a and_o thought_n most_o take_v up_o with_o the_o world_n very_o little_a of_o god_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v so_o that_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v november_n the_o 1_o can_v not_o gain_v god_n presence_n 2._o the_o same_o but_o not_o so_o bad_a in_o duty_n 3_o and_o 4._o as_o bad_a o_o sad_a sad_a sad_a but_o on_o 6._o have_v much_o of_o god_n presence_n 8_o 9_o bid_v again_o so_o 10._o and_o 11._o still_o dull_a and_o cold_a so_o 12._o and_o 13._o and_o endways_o in_o a_o sad_a condition_n december_n have_v be_v long_o out_o of_o town_n half_a of_o the_o forego_n month_n till_o the_o four_o of_o this_o month_n and_o live_v as_o without_o god_n my_o mind_n take_v up_o with_o the_o world_n no_o long_n after_o god_n presence_n it_o be_v a_o good_a providence_n i_o see_v their_o worship_n at_o windsor_n which_o do_v more_o establish_v i_o this_o month_n the_o lord_n teach_v i_o the_o deformity_n of_o all_o sublunary_a thing_n without_o god_n now_o i_o see_v my_o folly_n and_o oh_o that_o it_o may_v not_o be_v too_o late_a i_o can_v weep_v night_n and_o day_n for_o my_o great_a loss_n of_o god_n i_o be_o so_o perplex_v that_o i_o scarce_o know_v what_o to_o do_v with_o myself_o etc._n etc._n january_n 5._o 1682._o i_o be_v take_v very_o ill_o so_o that_o those_o about_o i_o think_v i_o be_v a_o die_a but_o god_n raise_v i_o up_o again_o oh_o that_o it_o may_v be_v to_o die_v to_o sin_n and_o and_o live_v to_o god_n the_o seven_o which_o be_v his_o seventeen_o and_o last_o sacrament-day_n make_v his_o former_a moan_n about_o wander_n etc._n etc._n add_v i_o lay_v in_o bed_n too_o long_o when_o i_o shall_v have_v be_v upon_o my_o knee_n yet_o have_v more_o evidence_n that_o day_n than_o for_o along_o time_n before_o after_o this_o be_v take_v with_o a_o dizziness_n in_o my_o head_n like_v to_o fall_v down_o stair_n about_o 8._o have_v a_o great_a pain_n in_o my_o side_n and_o my_o fit_n come_v about_o ten_o then_o from_o day_n to_o day_n lay_v long_o in_o bed_n have_v little_a of_o god_n sometime_o forget_v how_o it_o be_v with_o i_o not_o mind_v my_o inward_a man_n enough_o by_o distemper_n of_o my_o outward_a on_o the_o 22._o i_o consider_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v if_o god_n call_v i_o to_o suffering_n and_o think_v god_n hand_n be_v not_o shorten_v to_o strengthen_v i_o as_o he_o have_v do_v all_o the_o martyr_n on_o 25_o my_o cough_n and_o pain_n in_o my_o left_a side_n grow_v upon_o i_o so_o unfit_a i_o for_o duty_n yet_o on_o 30._o i_o pray_v and_o have_v a_o clear_a sight_n of_o god_n and_o of_o my_o christ_n my_o dear_a redeemer_n blessed_n for_o ever_o bless_v be_v his_o holy_a name_n lest_o any_o ponderous_a passage_n out_o of_o his_o diary_n that_o may_v be_v profitable_a to_o posterity_n shall_v be_v omit_v which_o through_o the_o break_a account_n i_o have_v of_o his_o manuscript_n can_v easy_o be_v avoid_v i_o shall_v reduce_v the_o most_o remarkable_a of_o they_o to_o those_o remark_n or_o head_n follow_v the_o first_o remark_n be_v this_o gracious_a youngman_n diary_n do_v plain_o proclaim_v that_o god_n make_v he_o live_v at_o the_o sign_n of_o the_o chequer_n his_o life_n this_o last_o year_n be_v strange_o chequer_a with_o the_o black_a of_o misery_n and_o with_o the_o white_a of_o mercy_n he_o be_v get_v into_o canaan_n a_o land_n of_o hill_n and_o valley_n now_o up_o and_o now_o down_o one_o while_o mourning_n for_o god_n absence_n and_o another_o while_n magnify_v he_o for_o his_o presence_n etc._n etc._n the_o second_o remark_n however_o god_n withdraw_v from_o he_o on_o the_o weekday_n yet_o do_v he_o most_o enjoy_v lest_o or_o more_o of_o god_n on_o the_o sabbath_n as_o well_o as_o sacrament_n day_n this_o i_o find_v in_o his_o own_o record_n which_o be_v to_o bear_v up_o his_o head_n above_o water_n in_o his_o conflict_n the_o three_o remark_n be_v he_o observe_v god_n tenderness_n towards_o he_o in_o never_o withdraw_a too_o long_o from_o he_o for_o though_o he_o find_v himself_o dull_a and_o dead_a in_o duty_n in_o the_o morning_n of_o the_o sabbath_n yet_o find_v he_o life_n and_o warmth_n at_o evening_n etc._n etc._n four_o when_o he_o be_v command_v to_o stay_v at_o home_n for_o keep_v the_o house_n and_o shop_n upon_o the_o sabbath_n from_o sermon_n he_o say_v god_n make_v that_o time_n of_o privacy_n a_o most_o sweet_a time_n to_o he_o when_o god_n deny_v mean_n he_o supply_v mean_n five_o he_o remark_n how_o oft_o he_o be_v interrupt_v in_o his_o private_a duty_n be_v call_v off_o from_o they_o as_o he_o be_v a_o servant_n to_o his_o master_n which_o the_o envious_a one_o may_v have_v a_o hand_n in_o as_o prayer_n be_v a_o charm_n and_o torment_v to_o he_o when_o god_n be_v present_a etc._n etc._n six_o he_o note_v that_o the_o low_a cellar_n be_v his_o oratory_n or_o place_n of_o private_a prayer_n where_o he_o spend_v many_o hour_n without_o either_o fire_n or_o candle_n in_o the_o night_n and_o once_o have_v the_o door_n break_v open_a to_o fetch_v some_o candle_n while_o he_o be_v in_o his_o devotion_n etc._n etc._n seven_o he_o observe_v god_n deal_n with_o his_o soul_n from_o one_o sabbath_n to_o another_o and_o from_o one_o week_n day_n to_o another_o take_a notice_n of_o all_o his_o omission_n of_o good_a and_o of_o all_o his_o commission_n of_o evil_a from_o monday_n morning_n to_o saturday_n night_n eight_o this_o be_v not_o only_o his_o practice_n every_o week_n from_o the_o begin_n to_o the_o end_n of_o the_o year_n as_o be_v above_o mention_v but_o also_o every_o day_n how_o it_o be_v with_o his_o soul_n god_n ward_n morning_n noon_n and_o night_n and_o what_o discourse_n at_o meat_n time_n also_o nine_o so_o strict_a be_v his_o scrutiny_n and_o self-tryal_n that_o he_o set_v down_o once_o the_o thought_n of_o have_v a_o god_n ring_n and_o another_o time_n thought_n oâ—_n get_v some_o book_n the_o tempteâ—_n make_v use_v of_o to_o justle_v out_o his_o thought_n of_o god_n etc._n
not_o any_o yet_o undo_v many_o lull_v they_o aslâ—ep_v in_o the_o cradle_n of_o security_n for_o as_o bernard_n say_v senibus_fw-la mors_fw-la in_o januis_fw-la adolescentibus_fw-la in_o insidiis_fw-la death_n be_v at_o the_o door_n for_o old_a man_n yet_o lay_v in_o ambush_n for_o the_o young_a and_o break_v oft_o in_o without_o knock_v at_o the_o door_n it_o oft_o come_v like_o the_o lightning_n or_o thunder_n both_o blast_v the_o green_a corn_n and_o break_v yea_o burning_z down_o the_o new_a and_o strong_a building_n last_o let_v it_o be_v your_o care_n and_o your_o conscience_n to_o remember_v your_o creator_n in_o the_o day_n of_o your_o youth_n before_o the_o evil_a day_n of_o old_a age_n come_v upon_o you_o eccles._n 12.1_o sure_o i_o be_o the_o strong_a obligation_n to_o this_o duty_n lay_v upon_o you_o for_o god_n be_v the_o first_o author_n both_o of_o your_o be_v and_o well_o be_v etc._n etc._n to_o forget_v he_o therefore_o as_o the_o wicked_a do_v and_o so_o be_v turn_v into_o hell_n psal_n 9.17_o be_v most_o unnatural_a inhuman_a and_o disingenuous_a do_v yoâ—_n remember_v your_o maker_n practical_o so_o as_o to_o fear_v and_o love_v he_o and_o faithful_o serve_v he_o thus_o this_o youngman_n your_o pattern_n and_o my_o subject_n here_o i_o be_o persuade_v do_v you_o must_v according_o serve_v god_n with_o the_o best_a of_o your_o time_n and_o strength_n while_o you_o be_v most_o able_a to_o do_v so_o and_o have_v the_o best_a oppertunity_n for_o possible_o you_o may_v not_o live_v till_o old_a age_n go_v forth_o to_o gather_v manna_n in_o the_o morning_n of_o your_o life_n in_o the_o flower_n of_o your_o age_n this_o will_v be_v most_o acceptable_a to_o god_n who_o soul_n desire_v the_o first_o ripe_a fruit_n mic._n 7.1_o and_o who_o will_v remember_v the_o kindness_n of_o your_o youth_n in_o your_o remember_v he_o jer._n 2.1_o this_o will_v be_v most_o comfortable_a to_o yourselves_o know_v that_o you_o have_v mortify_v in_o part_n through_o grace_n those_o impetuous_a passion_n and_o inordinate_a affection_n which_o drown_v so_o many_o thousand_o of_o youngman_n in_o the_o pit_n of_o perdition_n o_o be_v not_o like_o the_o circassian_n a_o kind_n of_o mongrel_n christian_n who_o divide_v their_o life_n betwixt_o sin_n and_o devotion_n dedicate_a their_o youth_n to_o rapine_n and_o their_o old_a age_n to_o repentance_n breerwoods_n inquiry_n pag._n 135._o but_o curse_v be_v that_o cozener_n faith_n the_o prophet_n mal._n 1.14_o that_o have_v a_o male_a in_o his_o flock_n yet_o offer_v to_o the_o lord_n a_o corrupt_a thing_n god_n like_v not_o those_o loiterer_n that_o think_v to_o come_v into_o his_o vineyard_n at_o the_o last_o hour_n of_o the_o day_n to_o serve_v god_n then_o when_o they_o can_v serve_v their_o lust_n no_o long_o that_o will_v put_v off_o their_o creator_n with_o the_o dregs_n and_o snuff_n of_o their_o time_n when_o the_o tempter_n have_v take_v the_o cream_n &_o best_a though_o your_o memory_n lay_v in_o the_o hinder_v part_n of_o your_o head_n yet_o may_v you_o not_o put_v off_o the_o remember_v your_o creator_n to_o the_o hinder_v part_n of_o your_o life_n and_o possible_o that_o may_v be_v now_o for_o assoon_o go_v the_o lamb_n skin_n to_o the_o market_n as_o the_o old_a sheep_n let_v this_o youngman_n be_v a_o pattern_n for_o your_o practice_n that_o your_o first_o fruit_n may_v sanctify_v the_o whole_a lump_n rom._n 11.16_o that_o you_o may_v be_v the_o bless_a hope_n of_o another_o generation_n 1._o king_n 20.14_o and_o that_o you_o may_v be_v deliver_v from_o wrath_n to_o come_v 1._o thes_n l._n 10._o yea_o and_o be_v account_v worthy_a with_o this_o dear_a one_o decease_v to_o inherit_v glory_n be_v the_o unfeigned_a desire_n of_o a_o old_a servant_n of_o christ_n chr._n ness_n i_o be_o this_o day_n to_o preach_v the_o funeral_n sermon_n of_o a_o very_a godly_a and_o exemplar_n youngman_n who_o may_v be_v true_o call_v 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d a_o young_a old_a man_n for_o his_o constant_a grave_a carriage_n and_o pious_a deportment_n and_o that_o from_o a_o text_n of_o his_o appointment_n to_o wit_n genesis_n 47._o verse_n 9_o and_o jacob_n say_v unto_o pharaoh_n the_o day_n of_o the_o year_n of_o my_o pilgrimage_n be_v a_o hundred_o and_o thirty_o year_n few_o and_o evil_n have_v the_o day_n of_o the_o year_n of_o my_o life_n be_v and_o have_v not_o attain_v unto_o the_o day_n of_o the_o year_n of_o the_o life_n of_o my_o father_n in_o the_o day_n of_o their_o pilgrimage_n it_o be_v a_o dialogue_n betwixt_o a_o prince_n and_o a_o patriarch_n this_o verse_n my_o text_n as_o it_o stand_v in_o connexion_n with_o the_o context_n be_v the_o patriarch_n jacob_n answer_n to_o king_n pharoah_n question_n verse_n 8._o which_o be_v how_o old_a be_v thou_o or_o as_o the_o hebrew_n read_v be_v how_o many_o be_v the_o day_n of_o the_o year_n of_o thy_o life_n the_o answer_n be_v the_o word_n of_o my_o text_n aforemention_v the_o general_a prospect_n whereof_o omit_v all_o unnecessary_a criticism_n and_o curiosity_n upon_o the_o text_n as_o also_o all_o superfluous_a circumlocution_n upon_o the_o context_n which_o our_o narrow_a circumference_n of_o time_n can_v admit_v propose_v to_o our_o consideration_n these_o two_o particular_a part_n first_o the_o positive_a and_o second_o the_o privative_a or_o negative_a part_n the_o positive_a part_n be_v the_o true_a and_o just_a account_n that_o jacob_n give_v pharaoh_n of_o the_o nature_n quantity_n and_o quality_n of_o his_o life_n or_o converse_v in_o the_o world_n the_o import_n whereof_o be_v this_o though_o i_o have_v live_v so_o long_o as_o to_o reach_v up_o unto_o a_o hundred_o and_o thirty_o year_n already_o yet_o have_v my_o life_n be_v a_o unstable_a and_o a_o unsettled_a life_n and_o a_o continual_a flit_v not_o only_o from_o one_o place_n to_o another_o but_o also_o from_o one_o affliction_n to_o another_o etc._n etc._n the_o negative_a part_n be_v the_o double_a comparison_n the_o patriarch_n make_v betwixt_o himself_o and_o pharoah_n people_n on_o the_o one_o hand_n and_o his_o own_o progenitor_n on_o the_o other_o intimate_v that_o though_o at_o these_o my_o year_n i_o seem_v very_o old_a as_o compare_v with_o the_o short-lived_a egyptian_n yet_o fall_v i_o far_o short_a of_o the_o term_n of_o my_o predecessor_n both_o the_o ante-diluvian_a and_o the_o post-diluvian_a patriarch_n though_o this_o copious_a text_n may_v be_v improve_v into_o a_o large_a field_n of_o discourse_n yet_o must_v i_o be_v confine_v to_o draw_v only_o some_o few_o the_o most_o material_a most_o practical_a and_o profitable_a corollary_n or_o observation_n from_o the_o circumstance_n of_o it_o with_o a_o short_a gloss_n upon_o each_o tanquam_fw-la canis_fw-la ad_fw-la nilum_n only_o one_o lap_n and_o be_v go_v then_o improve_v they_o in_o some_o useful_a inference_n i._o observation_n from_o the_o circumstance_n of_o the_o text._n the_o first_o remark_n or_o observation_n arise_v from_o the_o person_n ask_v the_o question_n king_n pharaoh_n be_v this_o as_o that_o king_n be_v kind_a courteous_a and_o affable_a to_o jacob_n for_o joseph_n sake_n so_o all_o king_n ought_v to_o be_v the_o like_a to_o jacob_n seed_n for_o jesus_n sake_n this_o same_o pharaoh_n be_v sensible_a how_o much_o both_o king_n and_o kingdom_n be_v oblige_v to_o joseph_n not_o only_o for_o save_v they_o all_o alive_a in_o the_o famine_n gen._n 50.20_o but_o also_o for_o his_o make_v vast_a addition_n of_o wealth_n power_n and_o honour_n to_o the_o crown_n of_o egypt_n gen._n 47.20_o 23_o 24_o 25._o therefore_o he_o grateful_o acknowledge_v his_o sentiment_n hereof_o in_o his_o show_a respect_n to_o joseph_n relation_n etc._n etc._n but_o when_o another_o pharaoh_n arise_v after_o who_o know_v not_o joseph_n fxod_n 1.8_o that_o be_v acknoledge_v not_o any_o obligation_n to_o he_o though_o he_o fare_v the_o better_a for_o he_o in_o his_o crown-revenue_n yet_o he_o ungrateful_o disow_v and_o unworthy_o requite_v all_o joseph_n favour_n in_o the_o gross_a unkindness_n to_o his_o people_n use_v this_o teach_v by_o way_n of_o resemblance_n that_o all_o such_o king_n as_o know_v not_o joseph_n or_o jesus_n our_o brother_n be_v not_o only_o most_o unkind_a to_o but_o also_o the_o most_o severe_a oppressor_n of_o the_o church_n though_o they_o have_v and_o hold_v their_o kingdom_n by_o the_o appointment_n and_o providence_n of_o christ_n prov._n 8.15_o dan._n 2.21_o rom._n 13.1_o yet_o christ_n people_n suffer_v hard_a thing_n either_o by_o or_o under_o they_o ii_o observation_n from_o the_o circumstance_n of_o the_o text._n the_o second_o remark_n or_o observation_n arise_v from_o the_o second_o person_n in_o this_o dialogue_n who_o make_v the_o answer_n to_o the_o question_n to_o wit_n as_o this_o person_n be_v jacob_n so_o his_o day_n be_v few_o and_o
to_o take_v he_o than_o be_v my_o thought_n fix_v upon_o christ_n though_o they_o have_v be_v wander_v two_o day_n before_o and_o i_o have_v lose_v my_o belove_a yet_o nothing_o can_v give_v i_o peace_n till_o i_o here_o find_v he_o and_o sweet_a communion_n with_o he_o wherein_o i_o hear_v he_o say_v to_o my_o soul_n thy_o sin_n small_a and_o great_a be_v pardon_v and_o thy_o pardon_n be_v seal_v i_o see_v as_o it_o be_v his_o precious_a blood_n spurt_v out_o of_o his_o side_n into_o my_o heart_n oh_o my_o soul_n ever_o for_o ever_o love_v this_o lovely_a lord_n admire_v and_o adore_v he_o who_o have_v seal_v thy_o pardon_n never_o sin_n more_o but_o walk_v suitable_o to_o all_o this_o etc._n etc._n the_o four_o sacrament_n be_v november_n 6._o 1681_o whereof_o he_o say_v thus_o i_o have_v long_v for_o this_o ordinance_n because_o i_o have_v more_o than_o ordinary_a sin_n such_o as_o pride_n that_o i_o have_v long_o groan_v under_o which_o make_v i_o long_o for_o the_o sprinkle_n of_o my_o dear_a redeemer_n blood_n to_o wash_v they_o away_o i_o be_v also_o pester_v with_o passion_n as_o well_o as_o pride_n with_o unbelief_n with_o wander_a thought_n and_o some_o time_n with_o blasphemy_n o_o curse_a curse_a sin_n and_o o_o wicked_a wicked_a heart_n once_o to_o think_v whether_o god_n be_v or_o no_o when_o thou_o have_v have_v such_o clear_a evidence_n of_o a_o deity_n these_o be_v my_o five_o deadly_a odious_a sin_n which_o i_o beg_v may_v be_v purge_v from_o i_o o_o that_o i_o may_v never_o see_v nor_o feel_v they_o more_o at_o this_o ordinance_n i_o find_v relief_n and_o feel_v the_o wine_n fall_v down_o low_o and_o low_o i_o desire_v it_o may_v carry_v of_o all_o my_o filth_n so_o as_o to_o leave_v none_o remain_v and_o there_o do_v i_o resolve_v through_o grace_n to_o leave_v those_o five_o sin_n and_o never_o have_v any_o thing_n to_o do_v with_o they_o etc._n etc._n the_o five_o sacrament_n be_v december_n 4._o 1681._o wherein_n say_v he_o i_o do_v again_o lay_v my_o sin_n before_o the_o lord_n fear_v their_o return_n upon_o i_o do_v desire_v a_o meek_a and_o humble_a heart_n against_o my_o pride_n and_o passion_n i_o do_v again_o resign_v myself_o to_o god_n have_v break_v covenant_n with_o he_o and_o beg_v with_o the_o syrophaenician_a woman_n to_o touch_v the_o hem_o of_o christ_n garment_n that_o i_o may_v be_v cleanse_v from_o my_o issue_n of_o sin_n but_o can_v not_o at_o that_o instant_n get_v so_o nigh_o he_o but_o afterward_o have_v i_o a_o clear_a representation_n of_o christ_n suffering_n in_o the_o garden_n where_o he_o bear_v the_o wrath_n of_o god_n sweat_a drop_n of_o blood_n through_o his_o clothes_n in_o a_o cold_a season_n so_o that_o he_o come_v as_o from_o bozra_n with_o die_v garment_n than_o i_o see_v the_o crown_n of_o thorn_n upon_o his_o head_n and_o his_o head_n beat_v with_o the_o soldier_n iron-glove_n which_o make_v the_o thorn_n wound_v his_o holy_a head_n in_o 72._o place_n so_o that_o the_o blood_n run_v down_o upon_o his_o body_n i_o see_v also_o the_o heavy_a weight_n of_o the_o cross_n lay_v upon_o he_o and_o how_o he_o be_v spit_v upon_o revile_v and_o deride_v this_o bless_a sight_n prevent_v wander_v thought_n till_o the_o last_o prayer_n though_o i_o do_v not_o deserve_v the_o least_o crumb_n of_o comfort_n for_o unpreparedness_n to_o so_o great_a a_o work_n which_o have_v god_n deal_v out_o my_o desert_n will_v have_v be_v no_o less_o than_o hell_n etc._n etc._n the_o six_o sacrament_n he_o do_v partake_v of_o be_v january_n the_o first_o 1681_o 2._o upon_o which_o he_o make_v these_o remark_n i_o have_v be_v some_o day_n before_o more_o than_o ordinary_a in_o my_o preparation_n and_o prayer_n for_o a_o profitable_a receive_n and_o when_o i_o come_v to_o it_o i_o be_v sore_o afraid_a that_o i_o shall_v lay_v stress_n upon_o preparatory_a act_n therefore_o beg_v i_o of_o god_n that_o he_o will_v not_o deal_v with_o i_o according_o i_o labour_v to_o act_v my_o requisite_a grace_n as_o 1._o repentance_n lay_v open_a before_o the_o lord_n all_o my_o old_a year_n sin_n to_o that_o new-year_n day_n and_o labour_v to_o mourn_v for_o they_o more_o than_o former_o especial_o for_o my_o deadly_a deadly_a sin_n spiritual_a pride_n passionateness_n wander_v thought_n in_o holy_a duty_n unbeleif_n worldliness_n etc._n etc._n and_o i_o hope_v god_n give_v there_o both_o pardon_n of_o they_o and_o power_n against_o they_o 2._o my_o thankfulness_n i_o actuate_v as_o well_o as_o i_o can_v for_o so_o rich_a a_o mercy_n beg_v for_o it_o both_o hard_a and_o always_o 3._o my_o love_n though_o i_o have_v much_o too_o little_a experience_v the_o sweet_a kiss_n of_o christ_n mouth_n and_o embrace_n of_o his_o love_n i_o see_v christ_n on_o the_o cross_n embrace_v i_o as_o well_o as_o i_o he_o and_o say_v to_o god_n i_o have_v pay_v a_o ransom_n for_o he_o this_o man_n be_v he_o etc._n etc._n this_o be_v so_o sweet_a that_o i_o can_v embrace_v the_o stake_n or_o even_o go_v into_o hell_n so_o i_o may_v thus_o enjoy_v he_o who_o my_o soul_n love_v and_o when_o i_o hear_v the_o minister_n say_v mourn_v for_o your_o sin_n that_o murder_v your_o lord_n i_o answer_v within_o myself_o how_o can_v the_o child_n of_o the_o bride_n mourn_v while_o the_o bridegroom_n be_v with_o they_o twice_o do_v wander_v thought_n offer_v themselves_o but_o be_v by_o grace_n suppress_v at_o the_o first_o rise_n have_v now_o oblige_v my_o understanding_n will_n memory_n affection_n conscience_n yea_o all_o to_o attend_v god_n service_n while_o thus_o fill_v with_o this_o enjoyment_n i_o long_v to_o be_v in_o heaven_n and_o desire_v that_o welcome_a welcome_o friend_n death_n that_o i_o may_v sing_v with_o the_o holy_a saint_n and_o angel_n hallelujah_n to_o to_o the_o lord_n then_o say_v i_o o_o my_o soul_n let_v nothing_o draw_v thy_o love_n from_o thy_o lord_n for_o the_o world_n friend_n relation_n pleasure_n profit_n all_o thing_n put_v together_o can_v never_o give_v such_o joy_n to_o thou_o as_o thou_o have_v find_v from_o lovely_a lovely_a jesus_n in_o this_o bless_a ordinance_n therefore_o lay_v not_o out_o thy_o love_n upon_o any_o thing_n beside_o he_o who_o have_v do_v and_o be_v do_v great_a thing_n yea_o and_o will_v do_v great_a for_o thou_o such_o be_v my_o warm_n warm_a love_n at_o this_o supper_n the_o seven_o sacrament_n be_v february_n the_o 3._o 1681_o 2._o upon_o which_o he_o remark_n thus_o when_o i_o find_v my_o heart_n not_o full_o fix_v by_o my_o new_a year_n day_n sacrament_n but_o notwithstanding_o all_o my_o strive_v i_o be_v yet_o trouble_v with_o distraction_n in_o duty_n i_o long_v for_o this_o ordinance_n very_o much_o and_o think_v it_o long_o till_o it_o come_v that_o account_n may_v be_v make_v even_o between_o god_n and_o my_o poor_a soul_n i_o be_v dull_a for_o 2._o or_o 3._o duty_n before_o and_o can_v not_o get_v my_o heart_n raise_v whereby_o i_o see_v that_o i_o deserve_v nothing_o though_o wander_v thought_n press_v upon_o i_o yet_o be_v they_o cut_v short_a 2_o or_o 3_o time_n &_o i_o find_v relief_n from_o those_o sin_n i_o have_v lay_v open_a before_o the_o lord_n in_o the_o forego_n sacrament_n i_o bewail_v my_o break_a covenant_n my_o distraction_n my_o deadness_n and_o coldness_n in_o duty_n etc._n etc._n and_o at_o this_o sacrament_n my_o dear_a redeemer_n meet_v i_o &_o say_v to_o i_o i_o have_v pardon_v those_o thy_o sin_n at_o thy_o request_n this_o much_o affect_a and_o inlve_v i_o in_o love_n to_o he_o see_v he_o then_o as_o it_o be_v come_v from_o heaven_n to_o the_o earth_n and_o from_o earth_n to_o the_o cross_n shed_v his_o precious_a blood_n for_o i_o and_o from_o the_o cross_n into_o glory_n and_o methinks_v christ_n say_v to_o i_o go_v sin_n these_o your_o sin_n no_o more_o which_o oblige_v i_o to_o a_o close_a walk_n and_o to_o be_v more_o watchful_a than_o before_o all_o this_o month_n the_o lord_n keep_v i_o from_o pride_n but_o alas_o my_o other_o sin_n return_v to_o foil_v i_o the_o eight_o sacrament_n be_v march_n 5._o 1681_o 2._o upon_o this_o he_o say_v thus_o i_o have_v more_o than_o ordinary_a communion_n with_o god_n before_o it_o and_o have_v not_o have_v a_o sweet_a season_n for_o a_o long_a time_n which_o make_v i_o long_o till_o it_o come_v in_o this_o ordinance_n i_o see_v my_o dear_a redeemer_n as_o it_o be_v dead_a with_o a_o company_n of_o holy_a angel_n hold_v of_o he_o and_o a_o great_a darkness_n over_o all_o the_o place_n this_o be_v grief_n to_o my_o soul_n but_o present_o he_o that_o be_v dead_a i_o see_v he_o alive_a again_o and_o come_v into_o the_o midst_n of_o we_o to_o see_v
to_o the_o unconvert_v which_o through_o grace_n show_v i_o the_o necessity_n of_o my_o conversion_n yet_o all_o this_o time_n never_o consult_v with_o any_o man_n about_o my_o sin_n but_o only_o confess_v they_o to_o god_n till_o i_o meet_v with_o mr._n hooker_n soul_n preparation_n for_o christ_n which_o convince_v i_o to_o advise_v with_o some_o godly_a minister_n hereupon_o i_o do_v address_v to_o one_o though_o a_o stranger_n to_o he_o say_v sir_n i_o can_v i_o dare_v not_o any_o long_o refrain_v have_v ask_v myself_o what_o fitness_n i_o have_v to_o die_v be_v answer_v i_o be_v unfit_a till_o i_o have_v ease_v my_o heart_n to_o you_o as_o follow_v 1._o when_o i_o be_v 7._o year_n old_a i_o tear_v my_o bible_n and_o cast_v away_o my_o catechism_n 2._o i_o have_v break_v the_o sabbath_n by_o ramble_v abroad_o play_v at_o farthing_n with_o naughty_a boy_n and_o wash_v myself_o in_o the_o field_n when_o i_o shall_v have_v be_v at_o the_o church_n etc._n etc._n 3._o by_o excuse_v my_o sin_n with_o a_o lie_n so_o add_v one_o sin_n to_o another_o for_o cover_v it_o 4._o nor_o have_v i_o be_v free_a from_o youthful_a lust_n which_o young_a timothy_n be_v bid_v to_o flee_v but_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n have_v have_v working_n after_o the_o act_n several_a time_n yet_o have_v be_v wonderful_o prevent_v by_o the_o advice_n of_o my_o godly_a sister_n who_o lay_v before_o i_o christ_n word_n mat._n 5.28_o whoever_o look_v on_o a_o woman_n to_o lust_n after_o she_o etc._n etc._n however_o i_o be_o guilty_a of_o heart-adultry_n yea_o 5._o i_o have_v err_v and_o laugh_v when_o i_o have_v hear_v the_o word_n preach_v with_o power_n etc._n etc._n hereupon_o the_o good_a minister_n give_v i_o grave_a council_n and_o comfort_n suitable_a to_o my_o penitent_a case_n and_o condition_n yet_o notwithstane_v all_o this_o i_o be_v not_o effectual_o call_v nor_o thorough_o convert_v and_o make_v a_o new_a creature_n until_o afterward_o i_o hear_v that_o sermon_n upon_o mat._n 5.25_o 26._o as_o the_o account_n above_o mention_v specifi_v but_o alas_o in_o my_o apprenticeship_n through_o the_o hurry_v of_o the_o world_n in_o our_o way_n of_o trade_v especial_o in_o may_n and_o june_n etc._n etc._n i_o become_v negligent_a of_o my_o close_a walk_v with_o god_n not_o mind_v as_o i_o may_v to_o continue_v in_o his_o love_n when_o god_n my_o adversary_n be_v reconcile_v to_o i_o i_o neglect_v daily_o self-examination_n or_o do_v it_o only_o to_o half_a part_n be_v dull_a and_o sleepy_a through_o weariness_n with_o worldly_a work_n at_o night_n than_o my_o old_a corruption_n get_v head_n again_o upon_o i_o i_o break_v my_o covenant_n make_v at_o the_o agreement_n with_o my_o adversary_n and_o i_o apostatise_v from_o these_o sweet_a thought_n i_o former_o have_v upon_o my_o god_n and_o dear_a redeemer_n for_o which_o have_v he_o not_o be_v gracious_a i_o have_v be_v damn_v and_o rot_v in_o hell_n for_o ever_o this_o consideration_n make_v i_o exclaim_v against_o myself_o say_v o_o silly_a soul_n to_o heed_n a_o perish_a die_a world_n before_o heaven_n such_o sadness_n and_o darkness_n seize_v on_o i_o at_o this_o time_n when_o the_o thing_n of_o the_o world_n i_o find_v have_v be_v the_o substance_n of_o my_o thought_n and_o discourse_n that_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v nor_o whither_o to_o go_v at_o last_o i_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v not_o take_v the_o forfeiture_n nor_o suffer_v i_o to_o run_v this_o ready_a way_n to_o utter_v destruction_n i_o cry_v lord_n it_o be_v just_a with_o thou_o to_o hurl_v mein_fw-ge to_o hell_n and_o into_o the_o hot_a place_n thereof_o and_o never_o wait_v long_o upon_o such_o a_o cumber-ground_n as_o i_o be_o but_o to_o thou_o my_o dear_a redeemer_n do_v i_o run_v for_o refuge_n as_o one_o that_o be_o hungry_a and_o hardly_o bestead_v poor_a blind_a naked_a wretched_a and_o miserable_a a_o loathsome_a wretch_n unworthy_a to_o be_v call_v a_o servant_n much_o less_o a_o son_n have_v so_o wicked_o depart_v from_o my_o god_n yet_o through_o thou_o will_v i_o venture_v again_o to_o my_o god_n and_o by_o thy_o strength_n i_o will_v better_o mind_v my_o future_a walking_n o_o my_o dear_a redeemer_n i_o die_v without_o thou_o o_o come_v in_o once_o again_o and_o let_v i_o feel_v once_o more_o what_o it_o be_v to_o have_v christ_n dwell_v in_o my_o soul_n o_o find_v a_o time_n of_o love_n wherein_o to_o disperse_v those_o dark_a cloud_n and_o shine_v upon_o my_o dead_a and_o darken_v soul_n o_o have_v my_o night_n no_o day_n it_o be_v a_o hell_n to_o i_o to_o be_v thrust_v away_o from_o god_n i_o know_v the_o cause_n be_v all_o at_o home_n my_o sin_n my_o sin_n o_o let_v it_o be_v do_v away_o then_o shall_v i_o recover_v the_o light_n of_o thy_o countenance_n as_o former_o and_o in_o so_o do_v i_o do_v engage_v to_o amend_v my_o manner_n depend_v on_o thy_o help_n my_o hand_n be_v witness_n john_n draper_n now_o to_o bind_v his_o soul_n and_o slippery_a heart_n to_o god_n the_o better_a in_o observe_v this_o new_a engagement_n he_o write_v down_o many_o profitable_a rule_n in_o his_o pocket_n book_n as_o 1._o in_o a_o day_n of_o humiliation_n i_o must_v lay_v all_o my_o sin_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o resolve_n to_o forsake_v they_o 2._o i_o must_v look_v upon_o my_o sin_n of_o passion_n as_o a_o fever_n in_o my_o mind_n of_o lust_n as_o fire_n in_o my_o bone_n of_o pride_n as_o a_o fatal_a tympany_n in_o my_o soul_n of_o covetousness_n as_o a_o insatiable_a and_o unsufferable_a thirst_n and_o the_o sin_n of_o envy_n or_o malice_n as_o rank_a poison_n in_o the_o heart_n 3._o if_o i_o will_v run_v so_o as_o to_o obtain_v i_o must_v cast_v off_o all_o those_o weight_n or_o sin_n that_o do_v so_o easy_o beset_v i_o 4._o i_o must_v resolve_v to_o begin_v betimes_o the_o run_v of_o this_o race_n 5._o nor_o must_v i_o loiter_v in_o the_o way_n 6._o nor_o must_v i_o cumber_v myself_o with_o the_o needless_a encumbrance_n of_o the_o world_n 7._o i_o must_v look_v to_o every_o part_n of_o my_o way_n with_o equal_a care_n and_o observation_n 8._o nor_o must_v i_o ever_o think_v i_o have_v go_v far_o enough_o till_o i_o have_v obtain_v the_o prize_n 9_o and_o the_o further_o i_o have_v run_v in_o this_o race_n the_o more_o eager_a shall_v be_v to_o obtain_v the_o end_n 10._o i_o must_v always_o think_v that_o i_o be_o upon_o the_o brink_n of_o eternity_n and_o therefore_o shall_v give_v all_o diligence_n to_o make_v my_o call_n and_o election_n sure_a work_v out_o my_o salvation_n and_o make_v sure_a work_n for_o a_o better_a world_n before_o i_o go_v hence_o to_o be_v see_v no_o more_o 11._o i_o must_v ever_o come_v to_o god_n as_o to_o a_o soul-pittying_a a_o sin-pardoning_a and_o a_o prayer-hearing_a god_n 12._o i_o must_v be_v fervent_a in_o prayer_n yet_o submit_v to_o god_n soveraignâ—y_n 13._o occasion_n of_o be_v too_o â—ong_o alone_a be_v to_o be_v avoid_v so_o â—s_v strong_a drink_n and_o too_o full_a a_o diet_n 14._o i_o must_v be_v think_v oft_o death_n judgement_n hell_n and_o heaâ—en_n those_o four_o last_o thing_n 15._o i_o must_v not_o stretch_v my_o christian_a liberty_n too_o far_o for_o he_o that_o dare_v go_v so_o far_o as_o he_o think_v he_o may_v go_v sometime_o far_o than_o he_o shall_v etc._n etc._n 16._o i_o must_v bridle_v my_o tongue_n and_o not_o be_v too_o apt_a to_o speak_v of_o thing_n whereof_o i_o be_o not_o certain_a and_o much_o more_o to_o the_o same_o purpose_n both_o for_o particular_a and_o general_a instruction_n too_o long_o to_o insert_v here_o this_o holy_a youngman_n put_v down_o in_o his_o pocket_n book_n also_o how_o he_o have_v be_v exercise_v with_o temptation_n to_o sin_n as_o to_o theft_n adultery_n play_v at_o card_n and_o profane_v the_o sabbath_n etc._n etc._n as_o also_o with_o trial_n to_o prevent_v temptation_n instance_v that_o in_o a_o lash_n upon_o his_o eye_n with_o a_o coach-whip_n whereby_o the_o lord_n heal_v he_o of_o high_a lustful_a eye_n which_o have_v be_v too_o full_a of_o adultery_n 2._o pet._n 2.14_o chap._n iu._n now_o come_v we_o to_o the_o three_o head_n his_o examination_n of_o himself_o in_o the_o working_n of_o his_o heart_n relate_v to_o his_o communion_n with_o god_n it_o be_v not_o enough_o to_o this_o good_a soul_n to_o examine_v himself_o only_a when_o he_o be_v approach_v to_o the_o lord_n table_n on_o the_o lord_n day_n as_o be_v before_o specify_v but_o he_o look_v upon_o it_o as_o his_o duty_n to_o do_v it_o every_o day_n both_o every_o sabbath-day_n when_o there_o be_v no_o sacrament_n and_o every_o week_n day_n also_o make_v it_o his_o continual_a daily_a