task as appears by his most Dilligent and Divine Diary This necessary but much neglected work of self-tryal I find he began at the spring-time Aequinoctial upon the 10. of March 1681 ‥ O Holy and Happy Soul that had now his hard frozen heart thus kindly thawed by a look of love from the Son of Righteousness as Peters was by a Look from his Lord Luke 22.61 62 Hereby the Lord helped him to say with the Bridegroom in the Song The winter is past the rain is over and gone The Flowers appear on the Earth c. Cant. 2.10 11 12 13.1 most blessed spring of Grace better than that of Grass was now upon him though I cannot give so distinct an account of his Diary as I would because 't was writ in obscure Characters only with a black pencil intended it seems solely for hiâ— own private use yet with the beâ—â— key we could get it hath been opened that such precious treasurâ— should not be lost but communicated for the common good I begin here from the Manuscripâ— both as to the matter and as to the time as I can judge upon what Sabbatâ— Day I heard a Sermon upon Peter going out and weeping bitterly after Christ had looked upon him Saith he I went to prayer that night and begged of God to give me Peters Repentanoe and in the earnestness of Spirit I fell flat upon the ground before the Lord to begg it Then I laid long till I had some comfort from my God yet remained I dull and muddy till wednesday night and then had I some communion with my God again even a new tast of his first goodness and comfort in prayer On Thursday night did I meet him whom my Soul loveth again which I found very useful to me finding by woful experience that without Christs strengthening me I could do nothing spiritually nor before the Sabbath ensuing nor in it had I the sweet communion with God I used to have before but on Munday night I met my God having a pretty deal of time that evening for Tuesday morning was not so good nor could I raise my heart at night till it was very late and then had I my former sweetness but much more upon wednesday the same I found upon the Sabbath following and on Munday night and on the next night also though everdul at the first yet inlarg'd after upon wednesday night I pray'd twice successively and found more than ordinary incomes On Thursday again I had inlargements but at the close the Devil made me drowsy to cut short my duty c. but on Friday my heart was kept better raised On Saturday I begged of God to direct me how I might meet the blessing of the next Sabbath which through grace I met with on that day yet was troubled with wandrings in my evening duty On Munday the presence of God was with me and made my duty sweet at night On Tuesday I met with a precious opportunity for my Souls good On Wednesday I did not so well which made me chide my Soul for no better requiting the Lords kindness On Thursday morning I had Gods presence the same at night though troubled with wandrings On Friday I had many outward mercyes yet could improve aright neither Gods word of Grace nor his works of Mercy On Saturday having spare time from business I sought the Lord thrice for a larger sight of the light of his Countenance when the Sabbath came the Lord gave me an Answer of Peace c. Thus might a large account of this gracious Young-Mans Self-Tryal and watchings over his own ways from Month to Month all along but because to do so distinctly from day to day would fill a volume I must therefore wave it and that not out of Judgment only but out of necessity also seeing the key that opened his Charactars could not reach them all neither in point of time nor in point of matter the judicious Reader may easily imagine that this defect will lame us in this work yet though it cost me unspeakable trouble and pains I shall follow my thread in this labyrinth I have already given an exact account how he examined himself upon every monthly Sacrament from August 7. 1681. to Jan. 7. 1681 3. which was the last he did partake of for not long after his Dear Redeemer whom he had so oft admired and embraced in the Lords Supper upon Earth called him home to Sup and Feast with him in Heaven As to his Self-Tryal at all other times between every one of those Seventeen Sacraments I shall proceed to relate so far as my key will carry me The best computation I can make out of the many manuscripts consisting of above thirty sheets which I have to abridge and methodize drawn out of his Diary Pocket-book and Almanack c. He renews his self-examining work again upon March 17. 1681 2. being Fryday how he spent all the time from the last March to this save only relating to the Sacraments we must be content to want it for want of better helps but upon that day he hath left upon record he had wandring thoughts in duty did little for the good of others my sins saith he lay but light I mourned not for the sins of the land I looked not into my own heart nor was I concern'd in holy ejaculations The same he saith of himself in spending the 18 and March the 19. being the Sabbath he remarks the same omissions and not having a frame Suitable to the Day yea in night-night-duty pestered with wandrings on March 20. I arose from Table without drooping being full glad to meet God there March 21. had the former omission and Heaven little in my sight 22d day could not mourn for the sins of the land and the same frame was upon me the 23. and 24. nor could I do better or look into my heart the 25 of March 1682. nor the six following Dayes of that month could he shake of those omissions April the first he brands himself with the same neglects the second day he adds to those neglects that wandring thoughts had eaten up the life of his duty on the third the same complaint on the fourth missed vain thoughts in a good measure yet only through the strenght oâ— Christ but on fifth he adds God our of sight Heaven out of mind on the sixth he makes the same moan of seventh my own sins and the sins of the land lay too light upon my heart c. eight the same and that he had done nothing extraordinary for the Church in herday of distress ninth the same yet had some good thoughts but troubled with wandrings tenth the same and so the eleventh adding I have been this day tempted to pride so the twelfth thirteenth and fourteenth are filled with the like complaints and fifteenth he adds I have been spending this noon much too vainly the sixteenth being the Sabbath he blessed God that distraction had not dulled him
in duty 17th had like to have fallen into passion but God disappointed it yet not much in Holy Ejaculations c. eighteenth not up early had my former omissions and commissions the ninteenth twentyeth and twenty first yea to the end of April he arraigns himself as guilty of all those aforesaid Crimes then May 1 2 3 4 5 6. Complains of all those evils adding that hurreys of his trade at this time did provoke him more to passion but sometime God helped him to subdue it c. the 7. being Sabbath Day sin set too light did not mourn for the sins of the land not enough in holy ejaculations nor in looking into my own heart nor seriously minding the Word of God 8 9 10 11 12 13. the same little life much dullness being wearyed with the hurries of the World 14 frothy discourse with some delight O sin sin lay too light both mine own and the lands sin 15 16 17 18 19. the same Complaint 20. neglecting to read Gods Word 21 22 23. so on to the end of May he cryes out I have done nothing for my self nor the Church I have not been my self hardly knowing what I did through the hurryes of the World O the World the World is a saâ— impediment to my Soul God hath not been in my mind Heaven out of my sight I have not mourned for my own sins nor those of the land nor had holy ejaculations c. thus he saith particularly upon every day adding thus I continued till the fourth of June being always wearyed with work and unfit for any good O it hath been a sad time for my Soul thus likewise I neglected till the 17 of June on which I renewed my covenant with God yet 18 19. the same neglects prevailed only on the 20. I had some holy Ejaculations but 21 22. the same and 23. I prayed not over the Sermon as I should have done and omitted all as before 24 still pestred with former neglects O sad sad that I should be thus carryed under Grace thus he moans on 25 26. and so on to the end of June on every day I have done little for the Church or for my Soul have not read Gods word sin sits too light not mourn'd for my own sin nor for the sins of the land Heaven hath been out of sight and God out of mind too little have I been in holy ejaculations with wandrings not oft looking into my own heart c. July 1682. from 1 to 10. he complains particularly upon each Day in the same word 's too much wandrings in Holy Duties too little sense of sin upon my heart I have not mourned enough for my own sins nor for the sins of the Land not much in ejaculations Heaven too much out of sight c. sometimes adding I neglected reading Gods Word have done little for Gods Church have not minded my Soul nor Gods praise c. Then concludes these ten days with this divine rapture O this deadly thing sin hath not duely affected my heart into what a sad state is my Soul fallen O my God I beseech thee leave me not This same complaint concerning those several omissions he carryeth on against himself quite through July to the last day August 1682. He makes the same moans of the same neglects all along the month upon the head of every day of the four weeks distinctly yet sometimes adding God helped me on the 2 of August against my deadly sin on the 6 day being the Sabbath I was less troubled with wandrings than I was the day after on the 8 day I arose from Supper without dropping any savory word at the Table on the 11. God kept me much from my sin this day On the 13. I had much of God in my night prayer though the Devil told me I had not begged Gods presence My dear Lord helped me to repulse him with ease On the 16 out of order all the day but at night God shone upon my Soul more than a long time before but lost all the two following days being hurryed with casting up our shop going backward not forward On 19. I felt my deadly sin crawl apace towards my heart which put me upon examination the 20. day and found it not in vain to cast my burden upon the Lord for I had thereby relief against my Pride c. for which I have cryed mightily to the Lord my God after which I had sweet communion with God then the Tempter strongly tempted me to neglect hearing and reading the Word but putting up an ejaculation I had strength to overcome him again after hearing a Sermon I went down into the Cellar to pray where the Devil would affright me that something would appear which through the help of my Dear Redeemer I stoutly resisted and bid Satan defiance then he objected against me my deadly sin which I could not but own yet could he not make me think so long upon it as to distract me in duty which was the Devils design but Osubtil Serpent my Lords goodness strengthned me to triumph over thee and I had a comfortable season upon the 21 of August 1682. all my old neglects prevailed and wandrings in my night prayer but God heard my ejaculation I got up early in the morning which sweet way I had much neglected through weariness with worldly work to pray wherein I found much of God O my Soul love that lovely lovely one thy Lord who hath heard thee hath done is doing great things for thee and will do greater On the 26. I neglected reading the Word been too much about Worldly affairs which took me off from God and I lost my time in Duty nor could I get up my thoughts to my God in my hurryes yet on the Saturday following I recovered a blessed frame O my Soul love and praise the Lord for ever September the 2. I was at a fast for the fire of London where I was not free of my aforesaid omissions yet waiting there all the day at length had the sweet presence of God On the 4. I had Heaven in my sight and but little troubled with wandrings yet too little looked I into my own heart I sat up late for Duty and God made it sweet to me On the seventh he makes his old moan against himself saying I feat my own self righteousness the 10. God discovered my deadly sin which caused his withdrawment from me and that wishing to die to avoid misery by God withdrawings is but a pang of passion The 15. old wandrings c. returned I think my murmuring was the cause I first read Isa 65.22 23 24. from whence upon my ejaculation God spake comfort to me so had after delight in duty The 19 God discovered another sin my seeking the praises of men that darkned his face from me The 23. but little sensible how I had grieved away Gods good Spirit in morning prayer The 25. had little sense of Gods putting a vail
over his Face toward me which I bewailed little the other days of this month I neglected being out of town to take an account of only in the general I observed that my deadly sin prevailed most while my Soul is most clouded October the 1st my old Distractions Disturbed me running from the Cellar up to the closet and from thence to the cellar again yet had through Grace a little of Gods presence The 2d I was too rash in speaking a thing that was not so The 3. I was unwilling to pray in the Cellar at night yet made willing to go I. found much of the presence of him who had thus inclined me The 4. I spoke not of God in company of others Yet with another Companion my God helped me to savoury Discourse in prayer but then to Epsom til the 14 day I was under dreadful desertions which made me cry out woe is me I have sinned away my God by my minding the World too much and my God too little and by relying too much on my own strength on the 14. he renews his old complaints Heaven out of sight not mourned for the sins of the land nor my own c. Adding rose from Table without any thing of God there On the 15 not so much troubled as before with wandrings yet sin set too light c. the 16. and 17. the same The 18. and 19. bad the 20. not so bad had at night God presence and some sence of sin which made me burst out crying how have I been hopping from Mountain to hill through Simplicity forgetting my right resting place O that those lost minutes and hours had been spent in the sweetest converse with my Dear Redeemer but now from this time the Lord grant great Reformation in John Draper The 23. of October 1682. he saith I have strove this day to get to God but could not fasted and three times prayed still the face of God was hid from me The 24. still under Gods withdrawings so on 25 26 and 28 no better with me on the 29 30 and 31 but wandrings in duty no right mourning for sin dull dead and thoughts mostly taken up with the World very little of God in all that I do so that I knew not what to do November the 1 could not gain Gods presence 2. the same but not so bad in duty 3 and 4. as bad O sad sad sad but on 6. had much of Gods presence 8 9 bad again so 10. and 11. still dull and cold so 12. and 13. and endways in a sad condition December having been long out of town half of the foregoing month till the fourth of this month and lived as without God my mind taken up with the World no longings after Gods presence 't was a good providence I saw their worship at Windsor which did more establish me This month the Lord taught me the deformity of all sublunary things without God now I see my folly and oh that it may not be too late I could weep night and day for my great loss of God I am so perplex'd that I scarce know what to do with my self c. January 5. 1682. I was taken very Ill so that those about me thought I was a dying but God raised me up again Oh that it might be to dye to Sin and and live to God The 7th which was his seventeenth and last Sacrament-Day makes his former moans about wandrings c. Adding I laid in Bed too long when I should have been upon my knees yet had more Evidences that day than for along time before after this was taken with a Dizziness in my head like to fall down stairs about 8. had a great pain in my side and my fit came about ten then from day to day lay long in bed had little of God sometimes forgot how it was with me not minding my inward man enough by distempers of my outward On the 22. I considered what I should do if God call me to sufferings and thought Gods hand was not shortned to strengthen me as he had done all the martyrs On 25 my cough and pain in my left side grew upon me so unfitted me for Duty yet on 30. I prayed and had a clear sight of God and of my Christ my Dear Redeemer Blessed for ever blessed be his holy name Least any ponderous passage out of his Diary that might be profitable to posterity should be omitted which through the broken account I have of his manuscripts cannot easily be avoided I shall reduce the most remarkable of them to those Remarks or Heads following The First Remark is this gracious Young-Mans Diary doth plainly proclaim that God made him live at the sign of the Chequer his life this last Year was strangely chequered with the Black of Misery and with the White of Mercy he was got into Canaan a land of hills and valleys now up and now down One while mourning for Gods Absence and another while magnifying him for his presence c. The Second Remark however God withdrew from him on the Week-day yet did he mostly enjoy lest or more of God on the Sabbath as well as Sacrament Days this I find in his own record which was to beare up his head above water in his Conflicts The Third Remark is he observes Gods tenderness towards him in never withdrawing too long from him for though he found himself dull and dead in duty in the morning of the Sabbath yet found he life and warmth at evening c. Fourthly When he was commanded to stay at home for keeping the house and shop upon the Sabbath from Sermon he saith God made that time of privacy a most sweet time to him When God denyes means He supplies means Fifthly He Remarks how oft he was interrupted in his private duties being called off from them as he was a servant to his Master which the Envious one might have an hand in as prayer is a charm and torment to him when God is present c. Sixthly He notes that the low Cellar was his oratory or place of private prayer where he spent many hours without either fire or candle in the night and once had the door broke open to fetch some candles while he was in his Devotion c. Seventhly He observeth Gods dealings with his Soul from one Sabbath to another and from one week day to another taking notice of all his omissions of good and of all his commissions of evil from Munday Morning to Saturday Night Eightly This was not only his practice every Week from the beginning to the end of the Year as is above mentioned but also every Day how it was with his Soul God ward Morning Noon and Night and what discourse at meat time also Ninthly So strict was his Scrutiny and Self-Tryal that he set down once the thoughts of having a God Ring and another time thoughts oâ— getting some books the Tempteâ— made use of to justle out his thought of God
not any yet undoes many lulling them aslâ—ep in the cradle of security For as Bernard saith Senibus mors in Januis Adolescentibus in insidiis Death is at the Door for old Men yet lays in ambush for the young and breakes oft in without knocking at the door it oft comes like the lightning or thunder both blasting the green corn and breaking yea burning down the newest and strongest buildings Lastly Let it be your care and your Conscience to Remember your Creator in the days of your youth before the evil days of old age come upon you Eccles. 12.1 Sure I am the strongest obligations to this Duty lays upon you for God is the first Author both of your being and well being c. To forget him therefore as the Wicked do and so are turned into Hell Psal 9.17 is most Unnatural Inhumane and Disingenious Doe yoâ— Remember your Maker practically so as to fear and love him and faithfully serve him Thus this Young-Man your pattern and my subject here I am perswaded did You must accordingly serve God with the best of your time and strength while you are most able to do so and have the best oppertunities for possibly you may not live till old age Go forth to gather Manna in the morning of your life in the flower of your age this will be most acceptable to God whose Soul desireth the first ripe fruits Mic. 7.1 And who will remember the kindness of your youth in your remembring him Jer. 2.1 This will be most Comfortable to your selves knowing that you have mortified in part through grace those impetuous passions and inordinate affections which drowns so many thousands of Young-Men in the pit of perdition O be not like the Circassians a kind of Mongrel Christians who divide their lives betwixt sin and devotion dedicating their youth to rapine and their old age to repentance Breerwoods inquiry Pag. 135. But cursed be that cozener faith the Prophet Mal. 1.14 that hath a male in his flock yet offereth to the Lord a corrupt thing God likes not those loiterers that think to come into his Vineyard at the last hour of the day to serve God then when they can serve their lusts no longer That would put off their Creator with the Dreggs and Snuffs of their time when the Tempter hath taken the cream best though your memoryes lay in the Hinder part of your Heads yet may you not put off the Remembring your Creator to the Hinder part of your Lives and possibly that may be Now for assoon goes the Lambs skin to the market as the old Sheep let this young-Man be a Pattern for your Practice That your first fruits may sanctify the whole lump Rom. 11.16 that you may be the blessed Hope of another generation 1. King 20.14 and that you may be delivered from wrath to come 1. Thes l. 10. Yea and be accounted worthy with this dear one deceased to inherit Glory is the unfeigned desire of an Old Servant of Christ CHR. NESS I Am this Day to Preach the Funeral Sermon of a very Godly and Exemplar Young-man who may be truly call'd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a Young Old Man for his constant Grave Carriage and Pious Deportment and that from a Text of his appointment to wit Genesis 47. Verse 9. And Jacob said unto Pharoah the Days of the Years of my Pilgrimage are an Hundred and Thirty Years few and evil have the Days of the Years of my Life been and have not attained unto the Days of the Years of the Life of my Fathers in the Days of their Pilgrimage IT is a Dialogue 'twixt a Prince and a Patriarch This Verse my Text as it stands in Connexion with the Context is the Patriarch Jacob's Answer to King Pharoah's Question Verse 8. Which was How Old art thou Or as the Hebrew Reading is How many are the Days of the Years of thy Life The Answer is The Words of my Text aforementioned The general Prospect whereof omitting all unnecessary Criticisms and Curiosities upon the Text as also all Superfluous Circumlocutions upon the Context which our narrow Circumference of time cannot admit proposeth to our Consideration these two particular parts First The Positive And Secondly The Privative or Negative part The Positive part is the True and just Account that Jacob gives Pharoah of the Nature Quantity and Quality of his Life or Converse in the World The Import whereof is this Though I have lived so long as to reach up unto an Hundred and Thirty Years already yet hath my Life been an Unstable and an Unsettled Life and a continual Flitting not only from one place to another but also from one Affliction to another c. The Negative part is The Double Comparison the Patriarch makes betwixt himself and Pharoah's People on the one hand and his own Progenitors on the other Intimating that though at these my Years I seem very Old as compared with the Short-liv'd Aegyptians yet fall I far short of the term of my Predecessors both the Ante-diluvian and the Post-Diluvian Patriarchs Though this Copious Text might be improved into a large Field of Discourse yet must I be confined to draw only some few the most Material most Practical and Profitable Corollaries or Observations from the Circumstances of it with a short Gloss upon each Tanquam Canis ad Nilum only one lap and be gone then improve them in some Vseful Inferences I. Observation From the Circumstances of the Text. The First Remark or Observation ariseth from the Person asking the Question King Pharoah is this As that King was Kind Courteous and Affable to Jacob for Joseph's sake so all Kings ought to be the like to Jacob's Seed for Jesus Sake This same Pharoah was sensible how much both King and Kingdom were obliged to Joseph not only for Saving them all alive in the Famine Gen. 50.20 but also for his making vast Additions of Wealth Power and Honour to the Crown of Aegypt Gen. 47.20 23 24 25. Therefore he gratefully acknowledgeth his Sentiments hereof in his shewing Respect to Joseph's Relations c. But when another Pharoah arose after who knew not Joseph Fxod 1.8 That is Acknoledged not any Obligations to him though he fared the better for him in his Crown-Revenues yet he ungratefully disowned and unworthily Requited all Joseph's Favours in the grossest Unkindness to his People VSE This teacheth by way of Resemblance that all such Kings as know not Joseph or Jesus our Brother are not only most unkind to but also the most Severe Oppressors of the Church Though they have and Hold their Kingdoms by the appointment and Providence of Christ Prov. 8.15 Dan. 2.21 Rom. 13.1 Yet Christ's People Suffer hard things either by or under them II. Observation From the Circumstances of the Text. The Second Remark or Observation ariseth from the Second Person in this Dialogue who makes the Answer to the Question to wit As this Person was Jacob so his Days were few and
to take him then were my thoughts fixed upon Christ though they had been wandring two days before and I had lost my beloved yet nothing could give me peace till I here found Him and Sweet communion with Him wherein I heard him say to my Soul thy sins smal and great are pardoned and thy pardon is sealed I saw as it were his precious blood spurting out of his sides into my heart Oh my Soul ever for ever love this Lovely Lord admire and adore him who hath sealed thy pardon Never sin more but walk suitably to all this c. The Fourth Sacrament was November 6. 1681 whereof he saith thus I have longed for this ordinance because I had more than ordinary sins such as pride that I had long groaned under which made me long for the sprinkling of my Dear Redeemers blood to wash them away I was also pestered with passion as well as pride with unbelief with wandring thoughts and some times with Blasphemy O cursed cursed sin and O wicked wicked heart once to think whether God was or no when thou hast had such clear evidences of a Diety these were my five deadly odious sins which I begg'd might be purged from me O that I may never see nor feel them more At this Ordinance I found relief and feeling the Wine falling down lower and lower I desired it might carry of all my filth so as to leave none remaining and there did I resolve through grace to leave those five sins and never have any thing to do with them c. The Fifth Sacrament was December 4. 1681. wherein saith he I did again lay my sins before the Lord fearing their return upon me did desire a meek and humble heart against my pride and passion I did again resign my self to God having broken Covenant with Him and begging with the Syrophaenician Woman to touch the Hem of Christs garments that I might be cleansed from my issue of sin but could not at that instant get so nigh him but afterwards had I a clear representation of Christs sufferings in the Garden where he bore the wrath of God sweating drops of blood through his cloths in a cold season so that he came as from Bozra with died garments then I saw the crown of thorns upon his head and his head beaten with the Soldiers iron-gloves which made the thorns wound his Holy Head in 72. places so that the blood ran down upon his body I saw also the heavy weight of the cross laid upon Him and how he was spit upon reviled and derided this blessed sight prevented wandring thoughts till the last prayer though I did not deserve the least crumb of comfort for unpreparedness to so great a work which had God dealt out my desert would have been no less than Hell c. The Sixth Sacrament he did partake of was January the first 1681 2. upon which he makes these remarks I had been some days before more than ordinary in my preparation and prayer for a profitable receiving and when I came to it I was sore afraid that I should lay stress upon preparatory actings therfore begged I of God that he would not deal with me accordingly I laboured to act my requisite graces As 1. Repentance laying open before the Lord all my old year sins to that New-years day and laboured to mourn for them more than formerly especially for my deadly deadly sins Spiritual pride Passionateness Wandring Thoughts in Holy Duties unbeleif worldliness c. and I hope God gave there both pardon of them and power against them 2. My thankfulness I actuated as well as I could for so rich a mercy begging for it both hard and always 3. My love though I had much too little experiencing the sweet Kisses of Christs mouth and Embraces of his love I saw Christ on the Cross Embracing me as vvell as I him and saying to God I have paid a Ransom for him this man is he c. This was so sweet that I could embrace the stake or even go into hell so I might thus enjoy him whom my Soul loved and when I heard the Minister say mourn for your sins that murdred your Lord I answered within my self How can the Children of the Bride mourn while the Bridegroom is with them Twice did wandring thoughts offer themselves but were by grace suppressed at the first rising having now obliged my understanding will memory affections conscience yea all to attend Gods service While thus fill'd with this enjoyment I longed to be in Heaven and desired that welcom welcom friend death that I might sing with the Holy Saints and Angels Hallelujahs to to the Lord then said I O my Soul let nothing draw thy love from thy Lord For the World Friends Relations Pleasures Profits all things put together can never give such joy to thee as thou hast found from lovely lovely Jesus in this blessed ordinance therefore lay not out thy love upon any thing besides Him who hath done and is doing great things yea and will do greater for thee Such was my warming warming loves at this Supper The Seventh Sacrament was February the 3. 1681 2. Upon which he remarks thus when I found my heart not fully fixed by my New years Day Sacrament but notwithstanding all my striving I was yet troubled with distraction in duty I longed for this ordinance very much and thought it long till it came that accounts might be made even between God and my poor Soul I was dull for 2. or 3. Duties before and could not get my heart raised whereby I saw that I deserved nothing though wandring thoughts pressed upon me yet were they cut short 2 or 3 times I found relief from those sins I had laid open before the Lord in the foregoing Sacrament I bewailed my breaking covenant my distraction my deadness and coldness in duty c. And at this Sacrament my Dear Redeemer met me said to me I have pardoned those thy sins at thy request this much affected and inlivened me in love to him seeing him then as it were coming from Heaven to the Earth and from Earth to the Cross shedding his precious blood for me and from the Cross into Glory and methought Christ said to me go sin these your sins no more which obliged me to a close walking and to be more watchful than before all this month the Lord kept me from pride but alas my other sins returned to foil me The Eighth Sacrament was March 5. 1681 2. Upon this he saith thus I had more than ordinary communion with God before it and have not had a sweeter season for a long time which made me long till it came in this ordinance I saw my dear Redeemer as it were dead with a company of Holy Angels holding of Him and a great darkness over all the place this was grief to my Soul but presently he that was dead I saw him alive again and comming into the midst of us to see
to the unconverted which through grace shewed me the necessity of my conversion yet all this time never consulted with any man about my sins but only confessed them to God till I met with Mr. Hookers Soul preparation for Christ which convinced me to advise with some Godly minister hereupon I did address to one though a stranger to him saying Sir I cannot I dare not any longer refrain having ask'd my self what fitness I had to dye was answered I was unfit till I had eas'd my heart to you as followeth 1. When I was 7. years old I tore my Bible and cast away my Catechism 2. I have broke the Sabbath by rambling abroad playing at farthings with naughty boys and washing my self in the fields when I should have been at the Church c. 3. By excusing my sins with a lye so added one sin to another for covering it 4. Nor have I been free from Youthful Lusts which young Timothy was bid to flee but my corrupt Heart hath had workings after the Act several times yet hath been wonderfully prevented by the advice of my Godly Sister who laid before me Christs words Mat. 5.28 whoever looks on a woman to lust after her c. however I am guilty of Heart-Adultry yea 5. I have erred and laughed when I have heard the word preached with power c. Hereupon the Good Minister gave me grave council and comfort suitable to my penitent case and condition yet notwithstaning all this I was not effectually called nor througly converted and made a new creature until afterwards I heard that Sermon upon Mat. 5.25 26. as the account above mentioned specifieth But alas in my Apprentiship through the hurries of the World in our way of trading especially in May and June c. I became negligent of my close walking with God not minding as I might to continue in his love when God my adversary was reconciled to me I neglected Dayly Self-examination or did it only to halfe part being dull and sleepy through weariness with worldly work at night then my old corruptions got head again upon me I broke my Covenant made at the agreement with my adversary and I Apostatized from these sweet thoughts I formerly had upon my God and Dear Redeemer for which had he not been gracious I had been damned and rotting in Hell for ever This consideration made me exclaim against my self saying O silly Soul to heed a perishing dying world before Heaven such sadness and darkness seized on me at this time when the things of the world I found had been the substance of my thoughts and discourse that I knew not what to do nor whither to go at last I turned to the Lord and begged of him that he would not take the forfeiture nor suffer me to run this ready way to utter destruction I cryed Lord 't is just with thee to hurle mein to hell and into the hottest place thereof and never wait longer upon such a cumber-ground as I am but to thee my Dear Redeemer do I run for refuge as one that am hungry and hardly bestead poor blind naked wretched and miserable a loathsom wretch unworthy to be called a servant much less a Son having so wickedly departed from my God yet through thee will I venter again to my God and by thy strength I will better mind my future walkings O my dearest Redeemer I die without thee O come in once again and let me feel once more what it is to have Christ dwelling in my Soul O find a time of love wherein to disperse those dark clouds and shine upon my Dead and Darkned Soul O hath my night no day 't is an hell to me to be thrust away from God I know the cause is all at home my sin my sin O let it be done away then should I recover the light of thy countenance as formerly and in so doing I do ingage to amend my manners depending on thy help my hand is witness John Draper now to bind his Soul and Slippery heart to God the better in observing this new ingagement he wrote down many profitable rules in his pocket book As 1. In a day of humiliation I must lay all my sins before the Lord and resolve to forsake them 2. I must look upon my sin of Passion as a feaver in my mind of Lust as fire in my bones of Pride as a fatal tympany in my Soul of covetousness as an insatiable and unsufferable thirst and the sin of Envy or Malice as rank poyson in the heart 3. If I would run so as to obtain I must cast off all those weights or sins that do so easily beset me 4. I must resolve to begin betimes the running of this race 5. Nor must I loyter in the way 6. Nor must I cumber my self with the needless incumbrances of the World 7. I must look to every part of my way with equal care and observation 8. Nor must I ever think I have gone far enough till I have obtained the prize 9. And the further I have run in this race the more eager should be to obtain the end 10. I must alway think that I am upon the brink of eternity and therefore should give all diligence to make my calling and election sure working out my Salvation and making sure work for a better world before I go hence to be seen no more 11. I must ever come to God as to a Soul-pittying a Sin-pardoning and a Prayer-hearing God 12. I must be fervent in prayer yet submit to Gods Soveraignâ—y 13. Occasions of being too â—ong alone are to be avoided so â—s Strong Drink and too full a Dyet 14. I must be thinking oft Death Judgment Hell and Heaâ—en those four last things 15. I must not stretch my Christian liberty too far for he that dare go so far as he thinks he may goes sometime farther than he should c. 16. I must bridle my Tongue and not be too apt to speak of things whereof I am not certain And much more to the same purpose both for particular and general instruction too long to insert here This Holy Young-Man put down in his pocket book also how he had been Exercised with Temptations to Sin as to Theft Adultry Playing at Cards and prophaning the Sabbath c. as also with tryals to prevent temptations instancing that in a lash upon his eye with a Coach-whip whereby the Lord healed him of hie lustful Eye which had been too ful of Adultry 2. Pet. 2.14 CHAP. IV. NOw come we to the Third Head his Examinations of himself in the workings of his heart relating to his Communion with God It was not enough to this good Soul to examine himself only when he was approaching to the Lords Table on the Lords Day as is before specified but he look'd upon it as his duty to do it every day both every Sabbath-day when there was no Sacrament and every week day also making it his continual daily