midst of my dishress to bring to my mind these words The Spirit saith come and the Bride saith come and every one that will come drink of the water of life freely I said of my self I cannot come But I prayed Lord draw me and I shall run after thee And this word was cast into my Soul by the Lord My grace is sufficient for thee only do thou believe And God hath now wrought faith in me and by the testimony of his Spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me working in my heart so to love him that I have cast my self wholly upon him H. C. XXXI Experiences of T. R. Mariner AT the Age of two and twenty being in the Streights I was taken by the merciless Turks but the power of the Lord delivered me out of captivity by a miraculous way unexpected The Lord giving me grace to call on him gave me a gracious answer That he would never leave me nor forsake me In the War with France on the Coast of Guinea I was taken by a French Man of War and was greatly afflicted for want of food and raiment and other hardships which they laid on me to have turned to their Catholick Religion yet the Lord still promised me that he would give me a deliverance out of their merciless hands who made good his promise to me in a short time blessed be his holy name After this I went a Voyage to Brasile and our Ship being laden we did intend for Portugal but they detained us a whole year so that our Ship was all eaten with worms and we were fain to keep pumping for nine months but the longer the worse for in our passage homeward we could not tell which death to chuse either to starve or to be drowned for our Victuals was so small that for one year and more we had no bread in our Ship but eat the roots of Trees made into a substance like Oatmeal and for Beef one ounce for a man a day which stunk so that none could have eat it but men in our case for Drink we were glad of a pint of water a day during the time of our passage which was seventeen weeks but in this passage we saw the wonderful works of God for he sent us for three weeks in seasonable times fish called Dolphins sometimes two or three in a day And as we grew within three hundred Leagues of the Coast of Portugal and our Provision near spent only three or four days left and all our men sick and weak and almost starved it pleased God of his great mercy to send us a Ship of Flushing a Man of War who proved to us as Joseph to the children of Israel for they brought us Victuals which saved our lives and after they had taken our Ship they were fain to put on board forty men to keep her from sinking for it pleased God that the next day after we had a violent Storm and a great Sea broke upon her so that we thought she would never have recovered her self again for our goods did shut all to one side and so she was sain to go untill she came to Flushing but we poor creatures were in great peril and danger of our Lives and yet the Lord comforted me by his Promise That he would bring me to shore and would deliver my life from death and my eyes from tears and he hath done graciously with me above my deserts and inabled me above my strength and delivered me above my hope therefore will I praise him without measure and magnifie his name without end Three years after this being on the Coast of Ireland it pleased the Lord to raise a violent Storm and in the morning by the dawning of the day we were so near the Shore that to mans judgment there was nothing but death approaching for we knew no place of that Land by reason of the Fogg and Rain that we had all the day and knew not where to go but as the Lord who is the Pilot of Pilots did carry us untill four a clock at Night which in December is dark and then we came to a great high head-land and a little without that lay a great sand so that we could not go any other way but betwixt them being then past all hopes of life we forced her through the Sea so that it brake over our heads insomuch that we could not tell whether we were in the Sea or the Bark but by our feet and hands for we could not see for the violence of the water only he that was at the Helm And yet in the space of a quarter of an hour we were in a safe place newly taken out of the jaws of death So that I of all men have great cause to be always rendring thanks to my God for his continual and most sweet favours unto me sinful wretched and empty man void of all spiritual goodness Furthermore I being after this in a Ship of 300 Tuns lying on the Coast of Virginia wind-bound the space of seven weeks it pleased God to visit our people with the Pestilential Feaver and the Callenture which is a violent Feaver or Madness at first and we had in our Ship two hundred thirty sive Souls at that time and it was the will and pleasure of God that we had a hundred of them sink at one time so that we had but few to look to the sick and were in great want of Provisions yet we knew not whether to go but it pleased God to raise a great Storm so that a great Sea brake into our main Sail and we had two foot water between Decks and our poor sick people cryed out they were drowned but within an hour after by the mercy of God we had fair weather and fair wind and within three or four days God set us safe on Land to our great joy and comfort that before were almost past hopes so that he caused us to say with the Prophet David It was good for me that I was afflicted And yet have another choice mercy to make known of what God hath done for me for he hath now called me out of the world but not out of the Land of the living he hath also opened my eyes and made clear my understanding with Mary to chuse the better part and whatsoever the World or Satan can cast upon me it shall all turn to my good for I know that my Redeemer liveth and him my Soul desires to bless and praise which I trust I shall do till my change cometh as God shall inable me and the Lord strengthen my faith XXXII Experiences of T. G. IT hath pleased the Lord God of his own free mercy and love in Jesus Christ to prevent and keep me ever since I was born from many thousand dangers and yet I like an unruly Creature have kicked at his Fatherly protection and run into many gross and vile sins The first gross one was many kinds of unlawful gaming
W. XVI Experiences of I. I. VVHen I was in the midst of my wealth and worldly enjoyments I was vain covetous and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World little or nothing minding the things of God or thinking of a change but went on in presumption putting the evil day far off minidng only for the present what pleased the flesh untill about eight years since I had many outward crosses befell me and was in some want and then being under that dispensation I was much troubled and full of grief I sought to the Lord and begged deliverance from my afflictions and distresses as to outward wants but had not an heart to consider what was the cause or to seek out the mind of God in it until I heard Dr. Holmes shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit and I had a clear conviction of my vanity and foolish doting on worldly things which had justly provoked the Lord I hope for my good to lay those crosses upon me which though they were for a time bitter yet God hath since sweetned But my sorrow was then doubled and I was dejected not only for my outward crosses but more especially for my carnal heart and vain conversation whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me I went to the Ordinances hoping to find comfort from the Word but the weight of my sins and my sufferings so pressed me down that I found much heaviness My sins especially lay heavy upon me and I saw little hope of comfort yet the Lord was pleased to work in my heart a loathing of sin as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me But about a year since I heard Master W. prove by Scripture in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort that those who have been the greatest of sinners if they do heartily and really repent and turn to God by faith in Christ and lead a new life the Lord will receive them to mercy Hereupon I argued with my Soul that though I had been a great sinner yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved and of all sins and to turn to the Lord and sincerely to desire to serve him That therefore there was hope of mercy for me I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others and frequented divers meetings where I found much comfort Those several places of Scripture in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are Matth. 11.28,29,30 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your Souls for my yoak is easie and my burden light This made me to hope that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the sense of sin so Christ Jesus will give me comfort for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter it is said a bruised reed shall he not break and and smoaking flax shall he not quench And though I had dishonoured Christ yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Christ Luke 12.10 Whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man it shall be forgiven him but unto him that Blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope because he had humbled my Soul and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered to me and this was strengthend from that example Lament 30.20 to verse 26. My Soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me This I recall to mind therefore have I hope It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not They are new every morning Great is thy faithfulness the Lord is my portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him The Lord is good unto them that wait for him to the Soul that seeketh him I was much incouraged from hence to seek the Lord and hope in his mercy My conscience told me I was a great sinner and deserved death and Hell but my hope was in God and strengthened from that promise Ezek. 18.21,22,23 If the wicked will turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep all my Statutes and do that which is lawfull and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him In the righteousness that he hath done he shall live Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked shall dye saith the Lord God and not that he should turn from his ways and live And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve him for the time to come and I praise my God I have had since much joy in duties of Piety and much sweetness from the Word of God and goldly Ministers I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the World as I have done but my heart now takes delight in God and communion with his people and the Lord hath given me an heart in discern a beauty and desirableness in the ways of God which are more joyful to me now than ever sin was formerly and when I come at the Ordinances I often find and feel such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon my heart that it makes me exceeding full of joy There is such a love upon my heart to God that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing I rejoyce to hear his name spoken of and his glory exalted And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seem to be his people J. J. XVII Experiences of E. C. ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child I had very great temptations of destroying ing my self and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it so that I durst not be left by my self alone and when I had considered what the causes might be my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed they being the Ordinances of God Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child which was a very great trouble to me to part with and then was I more fully convinced of sin which caused my burthen to be the greater so that I could seldom have any other thoughts but of desperation but the Lord kept me by his great mercy so that sometimes I could pray with devotion and discern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me I did plainly find that those great temptations were very much lessened which was a very great comfort unto my spirit but yet this still was upon me that I could read the Promises but I found none of them to belong to me
let the Devil have them for nothing And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devil saying Satan when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole World thou promisedst him that which was none of thine own nor am I thine and therefore avoid Satan for thou hast nothing to do with me and then the Devil departed from me Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodness of God and with a mixture of tears and joy I had sweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes yet I have since found very great consolation through Faith in the promises of God as in these and divers others Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest I thank God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ and that his grace is sufficient for me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ and he hath filled me with comfort And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter bidding him not to fear for he had prayed for him hath been upon my spirit and given me great consolation in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father And I find the Testimonies of my Conversion to God which give satisfaction to my Soul that I am a true Believer 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God as he hath commanded me yet I find great imperâ— fection and utter unworthiness in my self to deserve any thing of God But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. I do find that the Love of God in Christ constrains me to love God again above all things in the World and whatever I am about my Soul is delighted with God above all 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things and not so much to fear the punishment of the World for any thing as to sin against God 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan suggested worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties I have called upon God and found comfort and when I have come to duties with cold affections I have been much refreshed in the duties 〈◊〉 though sometimes I have felt pain and distemper in my body which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties yet I have called on the Lord and found comfort 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord so that I could be willing to dye and it is a great joy to me in that I expect to dye that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World to enter into eternal joy with Christ for ever E. O. XXIV Expeiences of A. G. I Have been many years since very sensible of my Natural Estate and did lye long under the sence of my sins which were so great a burden to me that they made me almost despair insomuch that I could scarce either eat or drink but had my spirits dried up with the anguish thereof For I was brought up under the Means and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word And the first cause of my great torment was for that I once told a Lye against my Conscience which so lay upon my spirit afterwards that I could receive no comfort I went to hear the Word and read the Scriptures yet all did but increase my horrour Several Ministers and godly People used great means to comfort me but all in vain for a time and when I read the Scriptures I found every threatning and judgment therein that I fixed my thoughts upon to speak terrour to my Soul and my distraction was so great that my Friends said I was mad and kept the Bible from me For so often as I read in it I pored most upon that dreadful place Matth. 12.31 All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men I did not know what the sin against the Holy Ghost was but I had a perswasion I had committed that sin and feared that my sins could not be pardoned and that I should never go to Heaven but was cast off to the damned Yet this the Lord wrought for me and in me by his blessed Spirit to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my spirit could by the Lords assistance souchsafed to me attain unto for though I thought it in vain and that God would not hear me yet I continued praying and often cryed to God not only in the day time but frequently in the night and rise out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me And I was sometimes a little comforted in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord but yet it was dashed again through fear that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost And I thought that all victuals and every thing was too good for me and that I was unworthy of all enâ—oyments Thus I lay for some months in a sad Agony wrastling with temptations perplexed between hope and despair But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth I found comfort being better satisfied what the sin against the Holy Ghost was than before since which I bless God I have for some years past found much comfort from the Promises of God revealed in his holy Word some of which follow Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled My chief desires are after Jesus Christ and to follow him by the Rule of the Gospel not doubting but that I shall be blessed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulness Matth. 11.28 Come â—nto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest This promise being to Souls laden with dejections and universal to all that come to Christ hath much comforted my heart in that by his Spirit he hath drawn-forth my Soul to come to him And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith I bless God I have these comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God yet in all things I find infirmities in me so that all my trust is only in the meriâ—s of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. Though I cannot be so holy as I should yet I desire and labour to be as holy as I can 3. When my heart is dull cold
my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lord that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual Londage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15,16 Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained
but this I found by experlence to the praise of my God's Free Grace that as troubles have abounded my consolations have abounded much more For God brought seasonably into my mind many precious promises which were as so many sweet Cordials which much supported and comforted my heart and upheld my spirit when new storms have arisen and unexpected deliverances have followed And I have and do resolve by God's Grace not to distrust him any more Yer though more and greater dangers shall arise yet I will trust in him and stay my self upon him Though as Job said he should slay me The good Lord establish my heart in this good and holy resolution who is able to keep us to the end and hath promised that he will preserve us by his power through Faith to the Salvation of our Souls In regard of Satan's Temptations especially concerning my coming to the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper my Experience have been these Finding often that I was very unable to fit and prepare my self for a comfortable approach to that sacred Ordinance I used to desire the prayers of the Congregation unto God in my behalf and used the best endeavour I could in private as God enabled me though I came far short of what was required and of what I desired So that I did trust and hope through God's mercy to find a comfortable day of it and to have it a sealing Ordinance to my Soul But on the contrary I found much deadness and little spiritual tast relish and comfort in the use of it so that my spirit was oft much troubled and cast down in me fearing lest I had some secret sin undiscovered and unrepented of which caused the Lord thus to hide his face from me But then my gracious God brought this into my mind that the Lord doth sometimes afflict us for the exercise and improvement of our graces as well as to humble us for our sins I also considered that as the Lord doth tender great mercies to us in this Sacrament renewing his Covenant of Grace and sealing to us the pardon of our sins in the Blood of Christ so he gives us leave to ingage our selves by renewing our Covenant with him to believe in him and to trust upon Christ for Life and Salvation And it pleased God to give me Faith to apply this to my own particular Soul and a while after to shew me and to make good to my Soul that precious and comfortable promise That tho' he hides his face from us for a little moment yet with mercy and lâ—ving kindness he will return to us again This was a wonderful comfort and support to my dejected heart Blessed be the Lord for ever I desire to treasure up these Experiences that for the future I may in the like case resolve to put my whole trust and conâ—idence in him that so Satan may not intrap me in his snares through unbelief but that I may resist him stedfast in the Faith For I am not altogether ignorant of his devices God's promise is that in all these things we shall be more than Conquerors through him that hath loved us And hath said that This is the Victory whereby we overcome the World even our Faith 1 John 5.4 In the year 1664 there came to us the sad News of the death of my second Son Mr. John Clark a godly faithful and powerful Minister Thus as the waves of the Sea follow one another so God is pleased to exercise his Children with one affliction after another he sees whilst we carry about us this body of sin we have need of manifold Tryals and Temptations as saith the Apostle 1 Pet 1.6 Now for a season ye are in heaviness if need be through manifold temptations to keep us under and to make us the better to remember our selves Indeed it hath been the Lord's course and dealing with me ever since he stopped me in the way as I was posting to Hell to raise up one affliction or other either inward or outward either from Satan the World or my own corrupt heart and nature not having wisdom and grace to behave and carry my self as I ought under his various dispensations and providences as appeared at this time by his laying so great and grievous an affliction upon me in taking away so dear a Son from whom I had much Soul-comfort and ardent affections which he manifested by his fervent prayers for me and by his spiritual Letters and Writings to me wherein he applied himself suitably to my comfort in those inward troubles of heart and spirit that lay upon me This caused my grief and sorrows to take the greater hold on me upon the loss of one who was so useful to me Yet hereby I do not derogate from my Elder Son from whom I have the like help and comfort Upon this sad occasion my grief grew so great that I took no pleasure of any thing in the World but was so overwhelmed with melancholy and my natural strength was so abated that little food served my turn and I judged that I could not live long in such a condition Hereupon I began to examine my heart why it should be so with me and whether carnal and inordinate affections were not the great cause of my trouble which I much feared And having used many Arguments and laid down many Reasons to my self to quiet and moderate my passions yet nothing prevailed to quiet and calm my heart and to bow me to the obedience of Gods revealed Will And withal considering that it was God only that could quiet the heart and set our unruly and carnal affections into an holy frame and order and that he was a present help in time of trouble I often and earnestly sought the Lord with many Prayers and Tears beseeching him to quiet my heart and to over-power and tame my unruly affections so as to be willing to submit unto him and to bear his afflicting Hand patiently and fruitfully and to be ready and willing to submit either in doing or suffering whatsoever he pleased to impose upon me and to be ready to part with the best outward comfort I enjoyed whensoever he should please to call for the same And it pleased God seasonably to hear my Prayer to regard my Tears and to grant my Requests by calming and quieting my heart and spirit and to give me much more contentedness to submit to his holy Will and good Pleasure who is a God of Judgment and knows the fittest times and seasons to come in with refreshing comforts and who waits to be gracious unto those that trust in him Yet surely I was not without many temptations in this hour of darkness from that subtle Adversary who always stands at watch to insinuate and frame his temptations answerable to our conditions and like a roaring Lion walks about continually seeking to devour poor yet grecious Souls Then I called upon the Lord in my distress and he answered me and delivered me Bless
injurious yet obtained mercy that in him Christ Jesus might shew forth all long-suffering for a pattern to them that should after believe on him to eternal life 1 Tim. 1.13,16 So God struck him to the ground as it were by a light from Heaven and a voice of Thunder round about him insomuch that now the scales fall from his Eyes as they did from the Apostle Paul's his stony heart was opened and streams of tears gusht out the bitter but wholsom rears of true Repentance The means which prepared the way for this wonderful change was a sharp and painful sickness with which he was visited which the Almighty often makes use of to reduce the wandring Sinner to the knowledge of God and of himself And though to forsake our sins then when we can no longer commit them seems to be rather necessity than choice yet we often find that God uses one to bring about the other and improves a forced abstinence from sin into a settled loathing and a true detestation of it As in the case of Manasseh in 2 Chron. And of the Prodigal Son Luke 20. And God saith of Ephraim I will be unto Ephraim as a Lion I will tear and go away and none shall relieve him till they acknowledge their offence and seek my face and in their affliction they will seek me early Hos 5.14,15 Though some stubborn Natures fly in the face of their heavenly Father while he is correcting them and others are like to those Children who while under the Rod promise wonders and presently forget all As the Psalmist says When he slew them then they sought him and they returned and enquired early after God never theless they did but flatter him with their mouth and lied unto him with their tongues for their heart was not right with him nor continued they stedfast in his Covenant Psal 78.34 c. And probably this had been this Penitents Case formerly but there was an evident difference betwixt the effect of this last sickness upon him and many others before for he told the Minister that he had now other sentiments and thoughts of things and acted upon quite different Principles he was not vext that his sickness was painful or that it hindred him from his sins which he longed again to be at but submitted patiently to it accepted it as the hand of God and was thankful blessing and praising God not only in his extremities but for them also And whereas formerly he had so habituated himself to cursing and swearing that he used it almost every minute there were now no cursings no railings nor reproaches to his Servants or those about him which in other sicknesses were their usual entertainments but he treated them with all the meekness and patience in the World begging pardons frequently of the meanest of his Attendants but for an hasty word which the extremity of his sickness and sharpness of his disease proceeding from an Ulcer in his Bladder which caused his Urine to pass from him with intolerable pain might easily force from him Of which one instance is related that calling for something which he thought was not brought him soon enough he cryed that damned Fellow but being gently admonisht instantly recollected himself complaining of that Language of Hell or Feinds which he said had been formerly so familiar to him that it still hung about him whereas none deserved to be damned more than he had done and desired to ask his Servants pardon for that rash saying His Prayers were not now so much for ease or health or a continuance of his life as for grace and faith and perfect resignation to the will of God so that it may be charitably and justly concluded that his sickness was not the chief ingredient but through the grace of God an effectual means of true tho' late Repentance For tho' it was a Death-bed Repentance and therefore full of danger and the utmost hazard yet it was not wholly impossible to be true nor absolutely desperate since that God who is a God of infinite compassion and forbearance allowed him leisâ—re and opportunity for Repentance by a long and lingring sickness That he awaken'd him out of his spiritual slumber by a pungent distemper as to provide prudently for his worldly affairs and yet not to be distracted nor diverted by them from the thoughts of a better World that God lengthened out his day of grace and accompanied the ordinary means of Salvation and the weak Ministry of his Word with the convincing and over-ruling power of his Spirit to his Conscience which Word of God became to him quick and powerful sharper than any two-edged Sword piercing even to the dividing asunder of his Soul and Spirit And at last the Spirit of God witnessed to his Spirit that now he was become one of the Children of God Upon my first Visit to him saith the Minister at his return from a Journey out of the West he most gladly received me shewed me extraordinary respects upon the score of my Office and thanked God who had in mercy and good providence sent me to him who so much needed my prayers and counsels acknowledging how unworthily heretofore he had treated Ministers of the Gospel reproaching them that they were proud and prophesied only for reward but now he had learnt how to value them that he esteemed them the Servants of the most High God who were to shew to him the way to Everlasting Life At the same time I found him labouring under strange trouble and conflicts of mind his Spirit wounded and his Conscience full of terrour Upon this Journey he told me he had been arguing with greater vigour against God and Religion than ever he had done in his life-time before and that he was resolved to run them down with all the arguments and spite in the World But like the great Convert St. Paul he found it hard to kick against the pricks For God at that time had so struck his heart by his immediate hand that presently he argued as strongly for God and Virtue as before he had done against it He declared that God strangely opened his heart creating in his mind most awful and tremendous thoughts and apprehensions of the Divine Majesty with a delightful contemplation of the Divine Nature and Attributes and of the loveliness of Religion and Virtue I never said he was advanced thus far toward happiness in my life before for tho' upon the commissions of some sins extraordinary I have had some checks and warnings considerable from within yet I still struggled with 'em and so wore them off again The most observable I remember said he was this One day at an Atheistical Meeting at a Person of Qualities I undertook to manage the Cause and was the principal Disputant against God and Piety and for my performances received the applause of the whole Company Upon which my mind was terribly struck and I immediately replied thus to my self Good God! that a man that
walks upright that sees the wonderful works of God and has the uses of his sense and reason should use them to the defying of his Creator But tho' this was a good beginning towards my Conversion to find my Conscience touched for my sins yet it went off again yet all my life long I had a secret value and reverence for an honest man and lov'd Morality in others but I had formed an odd Scheme of Religion to my self which would solve all that God or Conscience might force upon me yet I was not ever well reconciled to the business of Religion nor had that reverence for the Gospel as I ought to have This Estate of mind continued till the 53. chapter of Isaiah was read to him wherein there is a lively discription of the sufferings of our saviour and the benefits thereof and some other portions of Scripture by the power and efficacy of which word assisted by his holy spirit God so wrought upon his heart that he declared that the mysteries of the Passion appeared so clear and plain to him as ever any thing did that was represented in a glass so that the joy and admiration which possessed his soul upon the reading of Gods word to him was remarkable to all about him and he had so much delight in his Testimonies that he begged his mother and Lady to read the same to him frequently and was unsatisfied notwithstanding his great pains and weakness till he had learned especialy the 53. chapter of Isaiah with out book comparing this prophecy with the Passion of Christ in the Evangelists and observing that it was clearly foretold by the Prophet some hundred of years before it was accomplished and this consideration had such mighty influence upon his soul and strengthned his faith that afterward he never had the least doubt about the certainty of the Gospel and eternal salvation by Jesus Christ He said the in the first verse of that chapter the prophet declared what great opposition the Doctrine of Christ Crucified would meet with in the world from such obstinate sinners as he was who hath believed our report and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed And that the lowliness of his condition and person upon earth would cause weak and inconsidering men to undervalue him because he did not appear with the vain splendor pomp wherin they were pleased This he said was plainly predicted in the second verse He hath no form of comliness and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him At the same time discoursing of the manner of his youth up which all men knew was too too much devoted to the service of sin and that the lusts of the flesh of the eye and the pride of life had captivated him He was very large and particular in his acknowledgments about it and more ready to accuse himself than any other could be Publickly crying out O Blesse God can such an horrid creature as I am be accepted by thee who has denied thy Being and contemned thy Power can there be Pardon and mercy for me will God own such a wretch as I am shall the unspeakable joys of heaven be conferred upon me O Mighty Saviour never but through thine infinite love and satisfaction O never but by the purchase of thy blood Adding that withall abhorrency he did reflect upon his former course of life that sincerely and from his heart he did repent of all that folly and madness which he had committed He had a true and lively sense of God's great mercy to him in strikeing his hard heart and laying his conscience open which hitherto had been deaf to all God's calls and methods saying If that God who dyed for Great as well as Lesser sinners did not speedily apply his infinite merits to his poor soul his wound was such as no man could conceive or bear Crying out that he was the vilest wretch and Dog that the sun shined upon or the earth bore that now he saw his error in not living up to that Reason which God had endued him with and which he had unworthily vilified and centemned wishing that he had been a starving Leper crawling in a ditch that he had been a link boy or a beggar or for his whole lifetime confined to a Dungeon rather than thus to have sinned against his God His faith was remarkable in an hearty embraceing and pious Confession of all the Articles of the Christian Religion and all the Divine mysteries of the Gospel saying that the absurd and foolish Philosophy which the world so much admired propogated by the late Mr. Hobs and others had undone him and many more of the best Parts in the nation who without Gods great mercy may never it may be attain to such a serious repentance as his was He faithfully adhered to and cast himself entirely upon the mercies of Jesus Christ and the free grace of God declared to repenting sinners thro' him with a thankful remembrance of his life Death and resurrection begging of God to strengthen his faith and often crying out Lord I believe help thou mine unbelief He had a mighty love for and esteem of the holy Scriptures which he had formerly too much slighted and ridicul'd taking up resolutions to read them frequently and meditate upon them if God should spare him having already tasted the good word for having spoken to his heart he acknowledged all the seeming absurdities and contradictions thereof fancied by men of corrupt and reprobate judgments were vanished and their excellencies and beauty appeared being come to receive the truth in the love of it He was extraordinary servent and frequent in his prayers and supplications and often called upon others to pray for and with him or to read the Scriptures to him and toward the end of his sickness would heartily desire God to pardon his infirmities if he should not be so wakeful Intent thro' the duty as he wished to be and that tho' the flesh was weak yet the Spirit was willing and hoped God would accept that He continually beseeched God by his grace and Holy Spirit to sustain him and to keep him from all evil thoughts from all temptations and Diabolical suggestions and every thing that might be prejudicial to that religious temper of mind which God had now so happily endued him withal Crying out one night especially how terribly the Tempter did assault him by casting upon him leud and wicked imaginations but I thank God said he I abhor them all and by the power of his grace which I am sure is sufficient for me I have overcome them t' is the malice of the Devil because I am rescued from him and the goodness of God that frees me from all my spiritual enemies He was very joyful at his Lady's conversion from Popery being as he termed it a faction supported only by fraud and cruelty which was done by her with deliberation and mature judgment He was