Butler's Ghost OR HUDIBRAS The Fourth Part. WITH Reflections upon these Times Iacta est alea. Eras LONDON Printed for Ioseph Hindmarsh at the Black-Bull in Corn-hill over against the Royal-Exchange 1682. A second and a third time too This dog-like Fate has been your due Had not propitious Fortune sway'd And from the danger you convey'd And now upon this slight occasion To make upon your self Invasion Instead of Towns where Plunder lies Take your own Castle by surprize For you your self to act Squire Dun Such Ignominy ne're saw the Sun But pardon if ye are such a Tony To pine for Wormwood Matrimony If like our Lovers in Romances Y' are plagu'd with Dreams and fleeting Fancies When midst the Ioys that Love infuses Phillis ne're gets tho Damon loses And cannot prop the tottering Nation 'Till deeds are done of Generation Dismount your wooden Courser straight Then to Advice incline your Pate And if I do not shew a way To make her your Commands obey If she don't listen to your Fiddle And follow ye as Thread does Needle Nay kiss ye hug ye and Adore ye Within a Week then I 'le hang for ye At this the Knight did silence break First taking th' Cord from off his Neck Well pleas'd to hear that chearful noise Which now he knew was Ralpho's Voice Who as Fate order'd sleeping lay Upon a Bundle of fresh Hay Yet to pursue the Humour on Begun this Counterfeiting Moan Is there ye Powers no Station free No place of Rest for Misery Unlucky Squire had'st thou been gone My business had e're this been done And I throng'd with Seraphick Loves In Sacred and Immortal Groves For Heavens sake quoth the Squire Sir Knight Once in your life-time be in th' right And let me though perhaps unsit To sight your battels teach you Wit He that admires you Azure Skies And longs to taste Eternal Ioys E're Nature half his thread has Wove Is like that Niggardly damn'd Oaf That having Gold and Iewels store Leapt into th' Sea to dive for more And so like Esop's Dog was crost Who snatching shadows substance lost Besides I fear he that should scan Your inward and your outward Man Examine your offences Rife And weigh the Actions of your life Would find you are for all your Iokes Unfit for Heaven as other folks But from the Brethren I believe You learnt this Custom to deceive Who to be thought devoutly given Do always wish themselves in Heaven When for all the Saints and Angels there They had rather be with Sister here And only use that Canting Notion As proper to their feign'd Devotion There is a Tale whose Moral 's good Of an Old man that gathering Wood Grown sick with Age and out of breath Sat down upon 't and wisht for Death Death straight appearing cry'd I 'me here And come to end thy Mortal Care He seeing Monsieur Bloody-bone And that there was no way but one Shaking through fear now ten times more Than e're he did for Age before Cry'd Sir your Help I only lack To lift my Wood upon my back Friend quoth the Knight this simile Though good can ne're allude to me And thou these Figures dost Commence Only to cloak thy Ragged sence Else why this Story in this place Whose purport's nothing to my Case At least so little that I doubt I 've hardly brains to find it out Like bellowing Fryer that when he preaches Religion in cramp Latin teaches And mouths it with conceited Passion T' amuse the Ignorant Congregation With Rhetorick and specious Stories Fine Shams and pleasing Allegories Roves wide and schools the Female Sex 'Till he has quite forgot his Text. So hast thou rang'd about to bring A Tale that 's nothing to the thing Yet in the Banter made more flaws Than Lawyers when they thrash a Cause For when did I exclaim for Death For being old or out of breath For Sickness sake make such a motion Or case of Conscience or Devotion Is not Despair in Loves Intrego Of greater moment than an Ague Or can the Tooth-ach e're compare With th' Heart-ach for a wealthy Fair And tho I should from Beam turn over And show Example of true Lover Yet for a less cause so to dye I think there 's little reason why Quoth Ralph You have much cause to know When it is fit to dye and how Yet those that saw you in that place Would guess y' had very little Grace But for that a valiant Knight should swing Take Pet and dye like Dog in string For Widow a stanch cunning Dame Not to be got by Love but Sham That likes not those that most admire her But those that at her own tricks tire her Like Salmons that with Line and Hook Are wearied first and then are took That he in Death his Love should quench When I can help him to the Wench Nay all her Wards and Passes break Or else I 'le forfeit here my Neck Must be th' Effect of Melancholy Or brainless Presbyterian Folly Quoth Hudibras Now by my Sword Bold Squire I take thee at thy word Thy Thesis here I do insist on And therefore now take care that 't is done For shouldst thou fail I swear by Mars By th' Moon and my propitious Stars Nay by my now expected Marriage Thy Head shall answer the miscarriage Hold hold quoth Ralpho good Sir Knight First let us settle all things right My Head 's not such a thing of no worth 'T is to be sham'd away and so forth And by a threatning be effected Like his that the Black Box expected There 's yet to be a small Harangue A word or two before I hang And tho I promis'd you her Heart 'T was not except you did your part I like a Tool do idle stand Without the Workman's helping hand For as a Christian Merchant drew And seal'd a Bond once to a Iew A Pound of Flesh should th' Forfeit pay If he did fail and break his Day Which happening and th' Infidel To weigh the Flesh had fetcht a Scale The Merchant cries your Bond is good For Flesh but not one drop of Blood If thou spill'st that thou murder'st me And then the Law takes hold on thee So tho this friendly Oath I made I did not say without your Aid A Pound of Flesh I gave 't is true But the Life Blood still lies in you You must the Matrimony teach her Tho I perform the Pimp to fetch her And do your best to make her joyn Or else your Head 's as due as mine But if you 'l calmly take advice And be by my Example wise Aiding the trick with best endeavour I once more promise you shall have her Take there my Hand quoth Hudibras Descending with an awker'd Grace My Hand the Earnest of my Heart That I 'le not fail to do my part And tho our last Efforts were vain For all the Wisdom of thy Brain Yet I have now especial hope Thou 'lt do 't for fear of fatal Rope
through Case of Conscience And now altho he sav'd their Souls They wish him hang'd as high as Paul's A most ungrateful thing I vow Were all his Depositions true But as sly Synon once lookt honest And yet was found a Villain soonest For all his Tears and Oaths and Tricks Betray'd Old Illium to the Greeks So our Doctore with Clodpate Faction Gull'd by his Shams and close Transaction His Arguments and Senseless Babble With which he Balderno's the Rabble With groundless Fears distracts the Town For Rebels Interests and his own And only roots out Romish Prigs The sooner to get in the Whigs These two to make her Fame the greater Her Husband did intrust to cheat her As if he Prophet-like discover'd That you should be the second Lover Nice Honesty you must corrupt But not with open Bribe obrupt But clean conveyance into Fist A hundred Guinneys is the least For Money as our Elders say Is Matrimony's Captain Key That maugre all the Bars beside Opens the Padlock of the Bride What mighty Actions Gold has done Or what but Heaven has it not won The Hero's Sword the Lawyer 's Art The Poet's Brains the Ladies Heart Made Reverend Iudges speak with aw And a bad Title good in Law Wrested even Nature by main force Like Streams to run a backward Course Made Zealous Saints of hair-brain'd Letchers And Sons of Aretine turn Preachers And will as soon seduce these Trustees As ever Turky-Pie did Iustice. Therefore with speed your self apply These are the marks to know them by The first by his purple-colour'd Train His Foot-men Horse and Copper Chain The tother by his quadrant Face And three starv'd Bullies at his A Quoth Hudibras ' The Devil will have thee ' Nor can the Churches Interest save thee ' For these malicious wicked Rants ' And slanderous Libelling the Saints ' Like poysonous Snakes in fragrant Bowers ' Thou shedst thy Venom on those Flowers ' That often a kind Umbrage made ' Cool'd and refresh'd thee with their shade ' Have not Stalliano and the Doctor ' Sav'd th' Town from Villains would have smok't her ' Plunder'd and massacered the City ' Slain Wives and Matrons without pity ' Plagu'd us with many a wanton freak ' And put our Virgins to the squeak ' Rifled their Treasures several ways ' Well stor'd with Nature's Picklock Keys ' And can we be such base Detractors 'To vilifie our Benefactors ' And term them Profligate and Lewd ' Have done the Nation so much good ' What tho Stalliano for the health ' Of England broach't a Commonwealth ' What tho he fought against the King ' 'T was with design to bring him in ' He with a prosperous Defeat ' Routed his Troops to make him Great ' And made rebellious Crowds reveal ' His Indefatigable Zeal ' And what if Learn'd Doctoro has 'To nervate and support the Cause ' Rais'd doubts and fears swore true or false ' Just as the Brotherhood prevails What if he once was Evidence For th' King and for the Prisoner since ' And rail'd at these whom Conscience try'd ' Because they were not of his side ' All must that know how he 's endow'd ' Believe 't was for the Nations good ' For as a wise expert Physitian 'To fest'ring wound makes deep incision ' And by that dangerous way does heal 'A wound which else would ne're be well ' So he that knew the Constitution ' Of the City and its grand pollution ' No better Medicine could devise ' Than wholesome Perjury and Lyes ' In Arguments there are no Rules Quoth Ralph ' with Mad-men or with Fools ' For one confounds with want of Sence ' And t' other with Impertinence ' And though your honour'd knightly spurs ' From downright folly you prefers ' Yet all that hear what you have said ' By G must think you drunk or mad ' For would a Man that 's well in 's wits ' And is not Lunatick by fits ' Argue for Villains Fiends of Hell ' For all are such that would rebel ' And yet run down the Royal Party ' Though true and firm as Magna Charta ' Besides I fain would understand ' What 's this to th' business now in hand ' Will your applauding Bully-rock ' E're get the Widow by the Smock ' Will searching what the Nation suffers ' Procure you e're to search her Coffers ' Can you by giving them their due ' Engage them both to Pimp for you ' Or will your lies though enough to scare one ' Make her come under Covert-barron ' If so your sence I will obey ' If not then mines the better way ' And must when all your Topiques fail ' In spite of Arguments prevail 'A freindly bribe Sir still affords ' Much greater influence than words ' Tho Rhetorick speaks with ne're such skill ' Money 's the smoother Language still ' And at the last must act your Part out ' Flatter and Cogg and lie your heart out ' When Poems are to Patron sent ' Who sends back only Complement ' Does not the Author grudge his Wit ' And wish his Lordship were be-sh ' Or does a Lawyer e're agree ' For an Applause t' excuse his Fee ' Desert pecuniary hope ' For a fine figure or a Trope ' And that he 's well contented answer ye ' For a long tedious Bill in Chancery ' You 'l find his liking more exprest ' Clap but ten peices in his Fist ' And that your gold hath greater force ' Than all your flourishing discourse ' Once more then lest success be wanting ' Let me advise you leave your Canting ' And now occasion shows you her top ' Advance and take her by the fore-top ' The Motto of the Duke D' Alva ' In war was Post Occasio Calva ' Inferring that no good could come on 't ' If he once lost the happy moment ' And the same Crisis still is known 'To rule o're Love as o're Renown ' Rowze then Sir Knight and take advice ' And without more demurs be wise ' Or else I swear by yonder pole ' Nay by my fathers Rurall soul ' Henceforth to take a rougher course ' And what you would demur to force ' Despair and prove the Village Scoff ' And hang or draw all 's one to Ralph When Hudibras this Threat'ning heard And saw the Squires gloomy beard Wet with the Argumental froth That deckt the outside of his mouth His ferret Eyes look red with passion To hear his groundless disputation He thought it was no prudent Trick To touch his fury to the quick But cool and settle all things right As Bullies do to those will fight Besides he oft had heard a rumour Of Ralpho's blunt and sturdy humour And knowing 't was ill time to jest With tough Battoon and tougher Fist He wisely now agrees to do What e're the Squire should prompt him to Not that he valued his haranging But through a prudent fear of banging For Ralpho tho not us'd to
substantial satisfaction ' Of th' truth before we fall to Action ' Why what a fatal Injury ' Were this if it should prove a Lye ' If thou should'st chance to be bewitcht ' And nothing true that thou hast preacht ' What great Atonement or Submission ' Could make amends for my suspicion ' If we should prove thy Eyes were glew'd ' As well I know thou hast been lewd ' And that through Key-hole thou couldst never ' With those thy farthing Lights perceive her ' But that promoting this Extream ' Was some mad Whimsie or a Dream ' How would the Lady put on Coy look ' And then how like a Dog should I look ' The Spartan Gallants lov'd so well ' They knew their Misses by the smell ' And thought it clownish and unwise 'To trust their Feeling or their Eyes ' Thus confident in strong Belief ' Each Lover knew the several Whiff ' And tho no Judgment can suppose ' That thou canst have so good a Nose ' Plac'd in the Sphere where thou dost move ' Not generous enough to Love ' Yet I may thus far be in th' right ' That 't is not fit to trust thy sight ' Especially when the occasion ' Concerns a Lady's Reputation ' Therefore I think it requisite 'To make an honourable Retreat ' Lest haunted by some Cacodemon ' This matter thou shouldst only dream on ' Which if 't should happen the wrong way ' As I am apt to think it may ' By all my Joys which she has crown'd ' I would not for five hundred Pound Quoth Ralph ' When th' Devil owes a spite ' As he does now to you Sir Knight ' He uses th' strongest influence 'To hoodwink and corrupt the Sense ' And now your Reasons are so dull ' I find he 's working in your Skull ' Where he intrinsecally forms ' Doubts Whimsies and great store of Worms ' That hum and buz and make a bustle ' And your discerning Judgment puzzle ' For with all Calmness I 'le maintain ' Had Wisdom seiz'd your Pericrane ' Or had I any cause to alledge ' Th' effects of your impartial knowledge ' You would just Sentiments pursue ' And grant my Depositions true ' For salve the matter how you will ' I fix to my Narration still ' Nor am I frantick as you take me ' Bewitcht or blind as you would make me ' Stupidly drunk or what is worse ' But fit to reason and discourse ' Nor have I swallow'd a Fool 's drug ' But know what 's what and Pig from Dog ' And can distinguish well between ' Your silken Spouse and durty Iane ' 'Twixt lousie Dick in Canvas Frock ' And Trustee fierce with Beaver cockt ' The firm foundation of my Wit ' Is surely not so shaken yet ' But I can judge upon occasion ' 'Twixt Chat and Carnal Copulation ' Distinction and the difference see ' 'Twixt Lip and Hand and Rem in Re ' And tho my sense you would have scanted ' Yet 'mongst the wise this must be granted The stubborn Iews could ne're be brought To Credit what the Prophets taught Or think the Hand of Heaven was on 'em Till the Destruction showr'd upon 'em And though th' Allusion prove not true Between your Worship and a Iew Yet he that shall your Story tell Must say you are an Infidel And that you still your wrongs deny Till they are past all Remedy Else you could ne're be so unwise To Cavil at my Ears and Eyes When they their natural use possess And Justly do their Offices Or strive their Credit to withdraw From what I plainly heard and saw Beheld your new rigg'd Frigat mann'd As plain as now I see my hand Quoth Hudibras ' The Stoicks tell us ' And those I think were learned fellows ' That no one certain Matter knows ' But onely through a grand suppose ' As thus now if thy passive Bones ' Were drub'd with plant or bruis'd with stones ' Or that opinionated scull ' Were Bastinadoed soft as wool ' Beating you must not bluntly own ' But only must suppose it done ' Implying from less things to greater ' There is no certainty in Nature ' And this Philosophy should teach thee ' If any occult Art can reach thee ' Not to affirm what Objects show ' But to suppose it may be so Quoth Ralph ' Dam your Philosophy ' That teaches you to whore and lye 'A science none should e're have felt ' But Antiquated men and Gelt ' Or lame Physicians or night Iades ' That ease of Loads Bigbellied Maids ' And though renown'd in Pedant schools ' Still makes you Athiests Knaves and Fooles ' The thoughtfull constitutions sad ' And the brisk shallow Coxcombs mad ' And will Sir have a potent force ' On you I find by your discourse ' You that would have me to suppose ' I have a foot an eye a nose ' Imagine that I hear or see ' But not be Possitive 't can be ' As if my Judgment were so reeling ' That I could ever doubt my feeling ' And when my Bones with drubs are aking ' Fancy that I may be mistaken ' Or if as now I chanc'd to see ' Bare leggs or other nudity ' Sense should such oppsition find ' As to suppose that I was blind 'T is Non-sence and was ne're believ'd ' By such as would not be deceiv'd ' And therefore with your Pardon Sir ' My Reason here I must prefer ' And credit mine altho but dim Eyes ' ' Spite of your Philosophick Whimsies ' Wise Nature kindly did produce ' Each limb for its officious use 'Our Ears to hear or Tongues to talk 'Our Eyes to see our Legs to walk 'Our Hands and Arms to toyl and drudg ' And our Internal part to Iudg ' Made all things punctually agree ' Without defect or fallacy ' And though we hardly can believe ' Obliging friendship can deceive ' Or that the man we thought no ill in ' And trusted most should prove a Villain ' Yet if the Trechery's made out ' I think there 's little Cause to doubt ' Or fear our Bodies impotency's ' When vouch'd by th' better part our senses ' This tho it wear a homely dress ' Sir Knight I take to be your Case ' Your Easie nature cannot bend 'To slander or accuse your Friend ' Or think your Spouse could e're allow 'To break her Matrimonial Vow ' When you were ty'd in Sacred Bonds ' With Interchange of hearts and hands ' But let not forms and outward show ' Possess your mind and Judgment so 'To think that friendship now in fashion ' Will balk at Carnall Copulation ' When 't is believ'd the least of Crimes ' And the mode and fashion of the Times ' For Sir although your friend professes ' Much love to you his best addresses ' Are to your Wife whom he 'l trapan ' And Cuckold you when e're he can ' For Wives like Golden Medalls are ' Proper for every