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A47419
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The examination and tryall of Old Father Christmas At the assizes held at the town of Difference, in the county of discontent. Written according to legal proceeding, by Josiah King.
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King, Josiah.
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1658
(1658)
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Wing K510B; ESTC R222678
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11,199
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32
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his birthright to satisfy his belly he is a Bastard begotten of the horseleaches Daughter continually crying give give Some people of this Nation are so besotted by this old fool that they make a world of provision against his coming and invite him to be Gossip to all their Pyes and call them after his name Christmas-Pyes My Lord here is an honest Neighbour of mine called Pinch-gut can testify as much as my self Councel Hear me a word my Lord and if you please Pharoahs ill-favoured Kine were fed by these Clerk Cryer call Pinch-gut Cr. O yes Mr. Pinch-gut Iudg. Come fellow what can you say against the Prisoner Pinch I perceive my Lord the Councellor is purposed to abuse us to please his Clyent as all the fraternity will do but I would have him know that I was well descended my Father was call'd Saving and my Mothers name was Spare a very good hous-wife and of great repute amongst the Farmers Iudg. Fellow I am not come here to examine pedigrees were they as Authentick as a Welch-mans But come let me hear what thou canst say in the behalf of the Common-wealth against the Prisoner at the Barr. Pinch-gut My Lord I can say that this Old man is an Epicure all his delight is to please his Pallat his throat is an open Sepulchre he is the Canker of the Common-wealth worse than the Locust or the Palmer-worm and this is the summe of what I can testify Councel This is a liberall fellow t' is confest He will keep all and give away the rest Iudg. What witnesses are there more Clerk call Mr. Allwork Cr. O yes Mr. Allwork Allwork Allwork Iudg. Friend what 's the matter you must have so much calling and so long coming Counc It must be so my Lord even snails keep state When with slow pace their horns peep forth the gate Allwork I was very busy my Lord in my shop Iudg. Can you evidence any thing against the Prisoner Allw. I can witnesse that he is a very idle fellow I saw a warrant the other day under the Lord chief Justices own hand Commanding us to work six days and this old villain would perswade us to play twelve he teaches also revelling and rebellion we cannot bear any rule with our servants when he come for if we command them to follow their work they will murmur and deny it saying is it not Christmas time Thus my Lord and severall other wayes he is the Author of Rebellion and sedition in fine my Lord he brings with him both fire fuel and bellows of contention thus being extream hasty about my labour I desire your honour to excuse me Counc Go too industrious fool labour for those Which ne're will thank thee nay perhaps thy foes Iudg. Are there any more Clerk Call Mr. Meanwell Cr. O yes Mr. Meanwell Iudg. Come fellow what can you say Moan My Lord I can say that this Old man is a spend-thrift a riotous spoil-good he is the chief cause that the good Creatures are abused he is a superstitious and an Idolatrous fellow an observer of times he makes his belly his God a meer Dives he faresdeliciously every day but his feasting is the cause of poor Eazarus his fasting He provokes only to wanton fullnesse lustfull love he makes those that love him and his company unfit for any good dutys but on the contrary he makes them ready for all evil as uncleannesse scurrility vain talking and the like he is like the Idolatrous Israelites they eat and drank no mention of grace before meat and rose up to play there 's no mention of grace after meat just so doth he he teaches that which the people of the old World practised only eating and drinking and such other delights This was he my Lord that invited Iobs sons to dinner He overcomes men with surfeiting and Drunkonnâ—sse and makes them that they cannot pronounce Shiboleth he hath twelve sons all follow the steps of their Father and they keep company with one Mr. Prodigul Mr. Wast-full Belly-chear and Idle with Mr. Gamester and such others like them all the accursed Brats of base men here is a friend of mine called Mris. Prudence she can inform your honour of some thing else Councel Thy name is Mean-well friend I know 't is so That thou art call'd yet so thou ne're didst do Thy Father he was call'd Curious he would know Whither the Rain-bow had a string or no What wood the man that 's in the Moon doth carry Or whither he intend or no to marry Such monsters yea such Salyres and mad strains Danc'd in the wilderness of his wild brains Cler. Call Mris. Prudence Cr. O yes Mris. Prudence Iudg. Make room for that Gentlewoman to come in Come good woman are not you a stranger-hereabouts Prud. My Lord wheresoever your honour is I desire to be your hand-maid as for my residence it is most in the University here and there sometimes in the Countrey I am found as soon in a lowly Cottage as under a lofty Crown I have a Sister call'd Wisdome we always travell and dwell together Iudg. Jury take a speciall notice of this womans testimony and get as much acquaintance with her her sister as you can Come vertuous woman let me hear what thou canst say in the behalf of the Common-wealth against the Prisoner Prud. My Lord much hath been already spoken and much more I can say this Old man hath been one chief instrument that I my Children have been abused I have three Daughters My Lord the first is called Patience the second Temperance and the third Chastity one so named Sobriety all these by this Christmasses means are injuriously dealt withall and violently handled which before his coming were in good estimation in Gentlemens houses my daughter Patience is an admirable good servant she uses to look to the Children and servants would keep them in love peace and quiet if at any time she were reviled she would not revile again Iosephs words were often in her mouth see that yee fall not out by the way she is an excellent Labourer and in the winter time of adversity no Christian able to live without her yet this naughty fellow hath much wronged this my Daughter and caused her to be thrown out of doors for wheresoever he is entertain'd he carries a very base fellow called Gamester with him and he hath two companions the one called Spendall and the other Careless these will ride abroad night times vizarded to glean money to maintain their play and make men stand that would fain be going and leave the stranger with a heavy heart and light purse This Gamester hath also one chief man called Anger and also two Pages the one called Swearing the other Cursing and when there is any difference about their Masters play these two presently call in two others as good as themselves one named Quarrelling the other named Fighting and these murder my daughter Patience For
Behold the Majestie and grace Of loueing cheerfull Christmas face Whome many thousands with one breath Cry out let him be put to death Who indeede can neuer die So long as man hath memory THE EXAMINATION AND TRYALL of Old Father CHRISTMAS At the Assizes held at the Town of Difference in the County of Discontent Written according to Legal proceeding By Josiah King LONDON Printed for Thomas Johnson at the sign of the golden Key in Pauls Church-yard 1658. To the Worshipful John Hodge Doctor of Physick at Modbury in Devon Sir PArdon I beseech you my presumption in presenting you this insuing Allegory I must confess it is too trivial for your grave perusal yet the reading perhaps may serve to the same end the writing did which was only Recreation Fancy is a Daughter of Salomons good Houswife she will bee spinning before it bee light Sir I hope you will Candidly construe his intention who is weak in his indeavours though strong in his desires and if he could he would not or if he would hee could not be otherwise than Your Servant in the bonds of affection Josiah King To Captain Thomas Prinne of Wembury Sir IN discharge of my promise I here tender you the service of an old man let him not be served like the Serving-man turned away because old I hope he will not speak any thing that may offend a chast ear yet I question not but there will be evil reports raised on him and indeed Woe were to him if all should speak well of him I know you are ingenious and besides I have been told a lover of good Tydes O let them flow if they content do bring But never ebbe thus praies your servant King To Momus or the Critick Self-conceited Sir I Know thou wilt brag thy very breath is enough to poyson the Muses how many pots of oyntment hast thou spoyl'd I know thou wilt be chopping upon my broken stile but tell me canst thou expect flowers from him that never walkt in Apollo's garden If thou sayest here is something stolne I say thou lyest it is but borrowed and that is the Method The Author of the Isle of man and I had it from the Assizes now be advised by me put thy ears in under thy cap and shut thy black mouth and then no body will know thee thus saith I. K. To the honest Reader Friend MY intent in writing this Allegorical Tryal of Christmas was not to vent mine opinion upon the observation of the time he that observes a day as hee should may keep Christmas every day only herein is expressed some part of those arguments which are used in pleading for or against the keeping of it It will be I hope no cause of controversie there is too much division already for which there is as much grief of heart Pray for the peace of Jerusalem let them prosper that love it Blessed are those that all dissention hate And strive to quiet a disturbed state Vale The TRYALL of Christmas THe day appointed for the Assizes being come the Judge and the Sherriffe with the Justices of the Peace came to the place where they were to sit and first I think it would not bee amisse to tell you the Names of them the Judge was called Judge Hate-bate the Sherriffs name was Sir Leonard Love-peace the Justices are call'd as followeth the first is Justice Hate-bribe the second is Justice Wise the third Justice Vpright the fourth Justice Doe-good the fifth Justice Fearnone these with the Judge and Sheriffe being setled on the Bench the Judge read his Commission after which the chief of the Prisoners being one Old Christmas was commanded to bee brought to the Bar then was a Jury for Life and Death to bee impanneld who are for the Common-wealth and are to give in their Verdict according to their Evidence and as they were to be called there stept up one Sir Hica Busy and delivered a list to the Sheriff informing him that the Country desired those men whose names were set down might bee the Jury to pass upon old Christmas at the Bar which the Sheriffe for quietness sake delivered to the Clerk of the Arraignment to have them called a company of brave Gentlemen you shall hear them named by and by The Clerk having received the Paper bid the Cryer call as followeth Cler. Cryer call Mr. Starve-mouse Cr. O yes Mr. Starve-mouse Cryer call Mr. All-pride Cr. O yes Mr. All-pride Cryer call Mr. Keep-all Cr. O yes Mr. Keep-all Cryer call Mr. Love-none Cr. O yes Mr. Love-none Cryer call Mr. Eat-alone Cr. O yes Mr. Eat-alone Cryer call Mr. Give-little Cr. O yes Mr. Give-little Cryer call Mr. Hoord-corn Cr. O yes Mr. Hoord-corn Cryer call Mr. Grutch-meat Cr. O yes Mr. Grutch-meat Cryer call Mr. Knit-gut Cr. O yes Mr. Knit-gut Cryer call Mr. Serve-time Cr. O yes Mr. Serve-time Cryer call Mr. Hate-good Cr. O yes Mr. Hate-good Cryer call Mr. Cold-kitcâ—in Cr. O yes Mr. Cold-kitchin Then saith the Clerk to the Cryer count them Starve-mouse one All-pride two Keep-all three Love-none four Eat-alone five Give-little six Hoord-corn seven Grutch-meat eight Knit-gut nine Serve-time ten Hate-good eleven Cold-kitchin twelve Then saith the Cryer all you bountiful Gentlemen of the Jury answer to your names and stand together and hear your Charge With that there was such a lamentable groan heard enough to turn ice into ashes which caused the Judge and the rest of the Bench to demand what the matter was it was replied that the grave old Gentleman Christmas did sound at the naming of the Jury then it was Commanded that they should give him air and comfort him up so that hee might plead for himself and here I cannot passe by in silence the love that was expressed by the Country people some shreeking and crying for the old man others striving to hold him up others hugging him till they had almost broke the back of him others running for Cordials and strong waters insomuch that at last they had call'd back his wandring spirits which were ready to take their last farewell Then said the Judge old man what 's the matter Christm Ah good my Lord I have been grosly abused and had been trodden under foot had not these good Country people helpt me Judg. But mee thought I heard some say it was at the naming of the Jury If thou hast ought justly to except against them I will hear thee Christm I heartily thank your Honour and this favour which your Lordship hath granted me hath encouraged me to crave another and that is That you be pleased to grant mee the benefit of a Councel in regard of mine Age and defect of memory and expression Besides the Jury are all strangers to mee as well as enemies and therefore I desire my Councel may be one of this County that so he may describe the Gentlemen of the Jury Judg. Well Christmas in regard that thou wert a merry old man when I was but a Boy