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A01795 A satirycall dialogue or a sharplye-invectiue conference, betweene Allexander the great, and that truelye woman-hater Diogynes Goddard, William, fl. 1615.; Alexander, the Great, 356-323 B.C.; Diogenes, d. ca. 323 B.C. 1616 (1616) STC 11930; ESTC S105741 24,308 48

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Ye● should I chuse a freind a Courtyer than I would make ●hoise-of fore another man By this example I will plainelie proue That like to courtyers none doe truelie loue Like to apparrell they doe loue theire freind To what like that doe they theire loues extend Like cloathes they loue theire freindes why that is true Iust like em cause they nere loue cloathes but newe Pack hence for such loue should I find of you Allexander NAie fye Diogynes you cann yf list Forbeare to plaie this crabb-sowre satirist I pry thee Cynnick broach thy milder braine And let thy wordes runn in a sweeter vaine In others natures too too much you markst Against theire faultes too rusty ●ond you barkst I doe dislike it I I pry thee cease thou d'st gaine more loue yf thou didst hold thy peace Turne courtyer man come be thou pollitick wise He best wynns loue that best cann sooth-vp vice Diogynes THen I le ' wynn hate nor King nor Clowne I le ' spare Yf they with vices vennym poysned are Yf with Prides swellinge tympany I fynd Theire hartes are once puft-vp I le speake my mind Let 's pate be crownd with hundred thowsand crownes Lett cruell deathe succeed his wrathfull frownes Yet yf in him loathd filthie synns I see Hee shall not in them sooth'd-vp-be by mee I cannot soothe I am not that waies wi●e Who liveth not in vertue dies in vice Allexander THou sayst well Cynnick for I hold this race Of oyld-tongu'd flattrers to be dangerous base The cankerd rust doth not the Iron frett Soe faste as these doe in good natures eate The statelie oake a longer tyme would liue Yf to the Ivie he noe truste did giue But as the Ivie ' ' boute the oake entwyndes To worke his fall so 't fares with flattrers mindes But whether in discourse shall our tongues walke I came not here of court affaires to talke I came to see thy manner kind of life And t' aske thee why thou getst thee not a wife Faith gett thee one I would not lie alone Yf all the world could but afford mee one Diogynes A wife why for my life I cannot see Howe man with woman euer should agree When men goe backward and goe downe the wynd It frettes cuttes galles and greiveth sore the mind When women backward growe and downeward goe Theire spleenes with laughter tickles then I trowe Since theire two natures are soe contrarie I muse howe tweene them cann be sympathie A wife oh fellowe tha' rt a younge man yet Ther'e 's much sowre sawce belonges to that sweete bitt Who would be troubled with the yawling noyse Of a harsh-whewling young childes whympring voice Againe to see em fligger smile and plaie Doth make mee greiue as much an other waie When they doe simper I doe sighe for then I mynd the miseries they l see ere men T would cutt my heart to heare a babe crye dadd Oh giue me meate when t is not to be hadd He that doth wiue for pleasures sole intent T is tenn to one but soone he will repent Who would be bound to scrape pinch carke and care For brattes perhapps that gott by others ate Not I I le ' none of this thing cald a wife Let him take one that 's wearie of his life For hee that alwaies will supplies ' wiues lack Must vnto Nature goe for a steele back A wife I le ha noe wife such sprights will frowne Vnles they er'e a non are coinurd ' downe Againe my little Tubb is too too small To hold my wife my selfe and whom shee 'le call It must not be a smale howse that cann hold A silent man ioynd with a shrill-tongud schold Nowe will hir gossipps come then praie nowe where Is roome for them to chatt and make good cheere And nowe hir old-acquainted freind will come Perhapps to see hir when I 'me from my home Then where's my galleree for them to walk Or anie place for old freindes secrett talk Some what perhapps they l ' doe I should not see Where haue I chambers then for them to bee Not in my Tubb my Tubb ●ath nor the scope For hir to gossip't with hir mates I hope Yet though I haue 〈◊〉 wife with ho●● de●ire My harte is flamd burnt am I with loues fire A loue I haue to whom I will be true Obserue hir partes I will discribe them you My loues pure white hath ne're sustaind a spot She 's wise ●ood rich faire chaste what is shee not Hlr eyes 1 grace 2 speach 3 hath 1 fir'd amaz'd 2 rauisht 3 My harte 1 sence 2 thoughts 3 with loue 1 wonder 2 delight 3 But fyr'd 1 ' mazd 2 sence-rest 3 I sought 1 prayde 2 and wisht 3 To quenche 1 cure 2 and heale 3 loue 1 sence 2 and eyes3-dymd sight Thus eyes 1 grace 2 speache 3 hath fyr'd 1 amazd 2 sence-charmd 3 My thoughts 1 sence 2 witts 3 with loue 1 with feare 2 vnarmd 3 Oh my loue 's fairelie white without a spott Such is hir hue noe staine hir hue can blott Virtue 's that Dame in hir sweete grace I sitt 'T is shee loues me she'es womans oppositt Could I one headles lymb les corp les see To such a one would I betrothed be For had shee nere a head noe tongue shee l haue Nor corps then I de not d●ead the lechrous knaue Nor lymb then should I neuer quiv'ring stand Fearing my eares remembraunce of hir hand Of rope or hangman I was nere afrayde At noe sight quake I but at wife or maide Allexander OH harsh-sowre crabby Cyn●ick still I see To gentle creatures thou wilt stubborne be If with a girle t hast neuer slept a night Thy soule hath neuer tasted sweete delight Such is the femall sex while wife or maide As of them too much good cannot be saide Methinkes the skipping bloud a Virgins grace Which tripps lavaltoes in each maydens face When mens fowle tongues o're-flowes with ribaldery Should make thee loue maides for theire modestie Diogynes MAydens modest what is this modestie ●f t' is in them it is a vice saie I Vertue in women is as cold as Ice Nothinge is warme in them vnlest be vice Thou art a dunce thou haste noe reatche I see Why Maydes at all tymes cann faine modestee Thei l ' blush as oft while they liue single liues As they will weepe when they be mary'd wiues If t was my liste I could a thowsand name That would yf men talke Ill blush at the same Y●t thy themselues their tongues shall nimblie walke Whole nights togeather all in too-broad talk Allexander THou wrongst em soore I doe not think it I That maydens tongues will tripp Immodestlie Diogynes THou doost not doost I prithee think soe still I think thy witt is like a womans will But what thou dost not think I trulie knowe What I haue saide of maydes men shall find ●oe I fellowe fellowe till theire by thems●lu●s Maydes in talke are modest bashfull elues But
Then lo ho ho then wo ho ho crie I Sometimes I flie ore Neptunes glassie soile To veiwe the slipps of our set-girt-in Ile But 〈…〉 they hee Howe like they are tooth winter-shaken tree And howe from them all braue sea birds are fledd Then like a malecontent I hang downe head With admiration then awaie I flie Then lo ho ho then wo ho ho crie I Sometimes ore sto'nd-paud Citties I take flight Where to my night-cleard eyes admired sight I see the Cuccoe build in house his neaste Which ere was wont to be Silvanus gueste Baselie brooking each cock-sparrowes rivalrye Suffrings mate for trash to bath in brothelry A nights such sights presented to my eye Makes me with wonder wo ho ho to cry This is the cause greate Prince why in the night I wonder soe nowe where they doe indight Me for a murtherer your grace shall find I 'me leaste of all your-nobles soe inclind Guitles I plead or yf I guiltie be With me must die your whole nobility Your Hawkes dread souraigne Prince doe dailie kill And dailie doe devoure eate-vp and spill Your honest subiects yet there 's noe a aint Laies hold of them `gainst them the'res noe complaine Greate-peares nere to Princes should not doe soe By their stepps we track which waie Kings doe goe As Phebes light from Phebus doth proceed Soe doth a great Lords act froms Princes deed Yf Kings encloud with vice their Virtues sunn That selfe thick-foggye course their peeres will runn If I doe murther they doe murther too What waie I goe that waie your hauks must goe Else gratious Prince your lawe giues waye and place To such as are or are not in your grace Else greate ones open maie your m●●●yes doore Sucking the fatt from men but meanlie poore Iniustly wronging poore-poore vnderlings 〈…〉 Far fowler acts within themselues they ●●rrish And consciensles the 〈…〉 things cherrish But soe it should not be my souraigne King For from a Kingdoms lawes cleere christ all spring Alike all streames should runn I eu'ry where That should spoute water vncorruptlie cleare Let it doe soe my Prince let poore mans cryme Be iudgd like theires w' are made of self-like slime All kings are earthlie gods therefore should Kings In an impartiall ballance weigh all thinges The iustest iudge doth soe and soe should your Like that corruptles iudg in all pointes doe I freelie speake the cause I speake soe free Is ' cause at first great Prince you licensd mee I haue accusd but not excusd for still My faults not lessond for an others ill Therefore my Prince to this my pleadings tend You 'l quitt my fault and I le my fault amend The Prince well listning to th' appeaching Owle Turnes to the hawkes on whom with wrathfull scowl He fixt his eyes Quoth he speake is it true My nobles which this owle reports of you In guiltles bloud haue you embrud your hands T' is monstrous vilde why your the propps of land● The steres men to your Prince by you hee s lede By whom but you should he be counselled Your heades should conduicts be cleare cristall springs From which should powre al wholsom virtuous things From your braines fountaines such pure streames should flowe As by that moysture things should florishing growe Wherefore enact I lawes with your consent I thinke to punish vice was our intente Will you 〈◊〉 are parte makers of the lawe Be breakers of it first How then in awe Shall I my sub●●cts haue why when they se You drownd 〈◊〉 haue they ' le deeme the like of me Disgracefullie then this they will report Howe theirs an extreame famin grown at court Of virtuous men there 's such a famin grown As scarcelie one about the Court is knowne By you shall I growe to loathd infamie And iudgd the nurse of fowle-fell tyranny And therfore nobles yf your free and cleare From these dambd haynos crimes makt now appeare Silence being made the guiltie nobles Seing themselues to growe to dangrous trobles Thus despratly replies oh King quoth they I hope vnto our murthers you l giue waie Yf we make spoile and other birds vndoe We take thexsample souraign Prince from you We nerest Princes Imitate them still We be the emblems of your good or Ill Yf you slaie we slaie yf you saue we saue All Kings about them manie shadowes haue For this our fau● we seeke not make excuse Cause from your selfe sprang firste this faults abuse And therefore King yf you 'l haue subiects awe You must not onelie make but keep your lawe This peremptory aunswere so incenst His maiestie as twene them wars com●●st But while as they were soe at Civill strife The Owle that malefactour saues hir life She being loose awaie from keeper scudds Lusking from sight all daie in thickest woods But eu'ry night about the outlawe flies Ioying hir escape wo ho ho the cryes FINIS W. G.
one gallant of the court As knisman to them to theire howse resort To see a plaine kind man loue none soe much As he which giues his pate the cuckolds tutch These these are ordynarie man also This things is as much ordynarie too To see your riteh old country squires to wedd Their chamber maides vnto theire servaunts bedd But firste themselues to take the maydenhead Then place them in some cottage nere at hand To haue theire service readie at comaund Thou saydst the first were ordynarie thinges Awaie awaie why man to see on Kinges Howe Daunger plaine cloathd smoothly-smiling Daunger● Wayteth on them attending like noe straunger But like some smyling countenanced freind Onelie to giue too 's Prince his fatall end Thoult say perhaps this is noe common thing But thou d'st vn say 't againe wert thou a King What thinges are common and not common be Thy shallowe reatch cannot conceaue I see Allexander NAie fie Diogynes infaith thou art In thy conclusions still a dram to tart I pray thee lett me soe prevaile with thee As ride to Allexanders court with mee T will mend thee much and I will vndertake The King shall byd thee welcome for my sake Diogynes VNto my Tubb lett Allexander come I 'me in a Pallace when I 'me in this home Let those that list vnto thy King resort T is not my list what should I doe at 's court Allexander AS others doe in spending of smal● pelfe Thou maiste in tyme to honour raise thy selfe Diogynes I cannot fawne my tongue too rustie is I bashfull am I 'm nothing boldlie rude I rather chuse Court delecates to misse Then with a brazen face my selfe ty'ntrude In tubb coop't-vp I will liue euer mude And euer liue vppon sowre garden woortes Er'e I le ' a flattr'er be and followe cortes I cannot turne my tongue to praise and laude A soone-lamb'd prick-eard proud-feerce fi●y steed I cannot Fyndalls full deepe mouth applaude Nor swaere the greate-mans grew hound hath best speed When hee doth plaie the slowe-slugg cur● indeed Though some cann doo 't yet such is my sowre kind I neuer could though 't gall's his sweld pust mind I cannot tell the greate foole hee is wise Nor t●ll fowle ladies they are wondrous faire I ne're applaude aboue heauns-spangled skies The curld-worne tresses of dead-borrowd haire Like Northern blaste I breathe my crittick aire I am noe Mimyck ape I loathe and hate Each light-braind giddy-head to Imy tate I cannot brooke to suck the livings bloud Of these old Vsrer's ritch-left prodigalls I nourish not with such sweete-bitter food I hate to rise by other mens downe falls I knowe t is Ill though other think t is good Though some doe think such papp all sweete to be Yet I doe not it poyson proues to mee To make short worke I neuer loud ' vaine sportes And therefore I 'me vnfitt for Prynces Courtes Allexander DIogynes thou art deceyued quite In vanities Kinges take the least delight I le vndertake none shall respected bee Yf thou wilt followe him better then thee Come to the Court and then in seeing him Thou also maiste take veiwe of ladies trymm Mee thinkes hee is too dull and sadd of spright That in a bewteous dame takes noe delight Why hee that 's mary'd is in heaun all night Diogynes THere lett him bee for I had rather dwell A thousand tymes a single man in hell I am assurd that ther'e 's noe Divell cann Like to a wife torment a mary'd man I l'e none of them I 'me euer worse a yeare When once I doe a womans tongue but heare It galls my gutts when I a woman see I le not once come where such straunge creatures be Come hold your tongue and prate no more to me Allexander NAie good Diogynes bee not soe quick I hope yet ' ere I die see thee loue sick Diogynes LOue-sicke why I doe loue these women soe As I 'me soe fonde I knowe not what to doe Such is my loue vnto the femall Kind As were I Empr'our of thyn fernall lake But women none with me should fauour synd One man into my Kingdome I d' e not take I de ' send my servaunts our to scarch and see To bring all women in the world to mee Allexander by th masse Diogynes thou loust em well Wert thou the King and gouernour of hell Thou wouldst I see advaunce the women kind There is noe want of will hadst to thy mind Wert thou I see the prince of that faire place Women onelie with thee should be in grace I see thou dst very carles be of men I see thou dst women haue t' attend thee then Diogynes I that I would and this they should be bold I de carefull be they should not freeze with cold Allexander I fayth Diogynes I doubt th' ast euer Beene privatelie a vild laciuious liuer Or neuer haste beene yet I greatelie feare Where anie one faire vertuou● creature weare Diogynes NOr nere will looke to be I am too wise To thinke that vertue cann remaine in vice Allexander WErt thou at Court thou 'dst alter then thy mind When women thou didst see soe wondrous kind Forsake this Tubb t' is solliterie Ill And howe to court faire ladies learne the skyll Diogynes NOwe by the lustfull fire hott boiling vaines Of that same wanton greate god Iupiter I am vn skild in these speech-pleasing straines To courte a wenche when I come vnto hir I 'me then an all-mute dumb and surlie sir I cannot lispe nor cann I courtlike saie When I doe women woe I runn my waie I cannot singe nor cann I turne my tongue To chaunte a Syren-charming quau'ring dittye When I these bewties chaunce to come amonge My lead-sade-sable lookes must moue their pittie All what is in me then is all vnwittie I want these warbling noates to wynn their loues Nor cann I pricksong sett which better moues I cannot musick it nor finger fyne A sweete-cleare-throated care-charme instrument I 'me not posseste with such sweet parts devyne Whereby to cause faire bewties merryment T'ynchaunt theire eares nothing cann I invent And well knowe I that women take delight In these same instruments both daie and night I cannot daunce no● with my sprawling heeles Cann I the ny'mble cutt-heele caper kick My sullen bloud an other humor feeles To woe a wench I want the wanton trick I am a milksopp then I then am sick Againe strenghes moysture in may vaines is skant Which women after dauncing must not want And therefore pry thee fellowe lett me reste Of all these worldly Courts my Tubb's the best Allexander DIogines my meaning is mistooke I would not that your Tubb be quite forsooke But for your recreation nowe and then You l ' goe too th' Court from court t' your tubb agen Mistake me not it will for your good tend A wiseman alwaies lysten will too 's freind Diogynes NAie would you would these complementes forbeare For Courtyers freindshipps I did neuer care