natural life of the said Asse And to this effect she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Asse so died Shortly after the Asse died also Then the olde womans sonne who had a colt of the aforesaid asse finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent which he lawfully demanding of the Executors they denyed to deliuer him He thereupon came to a graue Doctor in law to haue his aduise in the case Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter thus resolu'd him viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oates because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother as also his colt to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text which hee concluded he would warrant for good law One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter hauing so good a purse and so great friends The Gent answered If that bee all your hope the more is the pity A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes gaue the Feasant for her cognizance and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law said at the barre in disgrace of her cause that he doubted not ere he had done but he wold throughly plume her Feasant and make it a poore bird The Gentlewoman answered Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme and th' one saide to th' other I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme Not so answered the other rather doe I thinke you haue For your bagges I dare say are so top-full of fees that when you throw them downe vpon the boord they make no sound at all as mine doe Th' other reply'd Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money and you of me in musicke A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giueÌ„ against one And he answered Quod esquilse esquilse viz Quod scripst scripst A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne The Lawyer did it And then hee offred him his sword in payment Wherunto the Lawyer excepted and said Blade me no bladings but giue me good gheult A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes was in a pelting chafe and by chaunce a friend of his comming in and marueilling to see him so teasty The Lawyer sayd I doe but canuasse the errour of this action A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme wading through a brooke the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away And euen as his legges began to faile him he turn'd backe to his boy and said Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine come giue it me quickly The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo tooke an oath according to the prerogatiue of that place to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priuiledges inuiolable which after he had sworn and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record The saide Notarie then said vnto him If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne God blesse you if not God incline your heart that you may and blesse you neuerthelesse A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister and the words went thus Be it known vnto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertaine that I A. B of such a place doe by these presents passe graunt giue and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued And heerat he paused a while to spette Whereat his surlie maister half angrie testie said On on with a mischiefe Then the fellow proceeded and read Namely to you and your heires and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testament in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him which he will'd his executors to take vp and dispose to such and such vses A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him long'd to heare some good newes to that effect and â—aide vnto the Scriuener hagh hagh what saith my vncle now Doth he now make his Maundies No answered the Scriuener he is yet in his demaunds A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling Iew one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney Wherunto the Scriuener answered No they are no mooueables for I dare say they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe The end of the second part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The third Part. OF LOVE AND LOVERS ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse and fearing least she should neglect how sweet it was wrote in a post-script vnderneath I pray you maistresse after you haue read this letter smell to it A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter and she objecting that she was too meanly discended to be wife to so great a Lord as he He answered A more matter is loue then Lordship A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her and at last away he pranced Anon after he came that way again and did as before and so continued a good while At last he departed for good and all and being come home he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page Which the Gentlewoman accepting said vnto the page Now I pray thee my Lad thanke thy maister and tel him that I thought his euening wind would turne to water A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp was demanded by a friend of his whether he went Who answered To practise vpon a sinner in th' act of charitie Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish and it signifieth Celestiall A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina Who answered Your selfe being the Originall what would you doe with the translation Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine Two Gent. came to visit a GentlewomaÌ„ whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together one of them said Lord what a fresh house is this I haue not come in a fresher Th' other answered No marueill for it hath a Fuente in it viz. a fountaine A Gent. had stolne a faire
his fine wife being on a time in conuersation among her gossips and talking of big husbands shee said And I for my part thanks be to God haue Ducket ynough as you all know and yet I assure yee hee is too light by two graines One asking his neighbour how old his wife was he answereâ— Her marke is not yet out One woonted to say If your wife bid you throw your self out at a window pray God that it be not far to the ground A Gardener being to be hang'd his wife came to giue him her last kisse at the gaâ—lows to whom he said Fie on thee baggage thus are wee like to thriue well at the yeares end there cannot be a meeting in all the countrey but still thou wilt bee sure to make one Home and weed home and weed with a very vengeance The Admirall of Castile said that who so takes a wife is like a souldiour that goes to the warres to oppose himselfe against all encounter One hearing a curst husband threatening his shrewd wife that vnlesse shee held her tongue hee would beate her with his dagger said vnto him If you beat her with the dagger she 'll beat you with the scabberd OF WOMEN ONe demanded of a Physition why men still sue to women women neuer to men Hee answered Because women are alwaies ready for men and men not alwaies for women One asked a Gentlewoman why other femals for the most part resist the male in generation and only women most gently yeeld vnto it She answered because women are no beasts A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plaine countreyman to deliuer his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man In th' end after manie curtesies and much a do he answered In sooth Maistresse whensoeuer a man is ready for a woman An vnciuill Captaine woonted to say that hee loued a woman and his chamberpot alike neither of both but for his ease A maiden came to an olde Grocer to buy some virgin-wax the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a morter then thus he answered Hold heer faire maid this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax the Deu'l a whit haue I this many a day A Gentleman comming to a marchants house the Dogge flue at him at the doore he with his dagger smit off his taile The good wife heerat was testie misus'd the Gent. in tearms Wherupon he said Why woman it is not a dogges taile can serue your turne A Gentlewoman being demanded whether shee lou'd her sons or her daughters best she answered her daughters A Gent. that stood by then said Mee thinkes God hauing made you a Carrier you should loue a packneedle well A woman in anger said what I pray yee doe you doubt of my honestie No answered th' other for it neuer stood in my way A maide had swallowed a dramme too much not knowing that shee was with childe but felt a paine in her belly carried her water to a Physition complayning to him of the grief Who answered Be a good cheere wench for I 'le warrant thee within these fewe monethes you shall haue the cause of your paine in your armes An vnchast woman of life was commending a mans honesty to his face in honest company he disdaining such her praise as proceeding from a woman of her infamie said I hope I was neuer dishonest with you that you should thus commend mee before all this good companie King Edward the fourth was woont to say that a womans greatest difficulty is to hold her peace A Gent. requested a thing of an vnchast Gentlewoman and she answered Faith sir no had I a hundred thinges you should not haue any one of theÌ„ Say you so reply'd the Gent. I knew the time when hauing but one onely thing you let a hundred vse it An incontinent Bride thinking her mariage day ouer-long and longing for night said vnto her gossips Now would God it were euen now night or els that I were vnmaried againe A chollericke person and a woman were a chyding together and by chance an acquaintance of his came by who saide vnto him Lord what ayle yee to chyde so with that woman I know her of olde she is too hard a match for you He answered Then a Gods name let her chyde with S. Peter S. Martin Bristoll Yorke London and not with me One vs'd to say Who so hath a daughter but twenty yeers olde well may hee bestow her vpon her better if 25. vpon her equall if aboue 25. then vpon whosoeuer lift to haue her A rich man had a daughter aboue 30. yeares olde who found her selfe greatly aggreeued that he had not all that while prouided her a husband Vpon a time hee inuited to dinner to him his fiue sonnes who were all maried in the same towne Now this stale maid their sister then hop'd that such their meting was purposely to determin vpon a good husband for her but it fell out otherwise For after that dinner was done the father said thus vnto them Sonnes I haue bid you all to dinner to day to th' end that euery of you resolue me where you mean to be buried when you die or whether you thinke it not best that I build a tombe for vs altogether Now let me heare your good aduises in this behalfe Then the eldest sonne said For my part father I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die so the rest in a row all as they thought good At last when they had all sayd the father turn'd him about to his daughter and ask'd her where she would be buried She answered Faith no where father for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so well you wot the Church allowes them no buriall at all A yoong Gentlewoman that went for a virgin and was none being child-sicke the Physition ask'd her where her greatest griefe lay shee answered Me thinkes I feele my heart bounce against my bellie A merrie water-man said to a Gentlewoman as hee ferried her ouer the water My boat maistresse hath a leak just wheras you sit yet feare not a Gods name for there 's no amisse but may be amended One in wrangle with a woman gaue her the lie an other that stood by then answered why women are best wheÌ„ they lie One enticing another mans wife to vnlawfull lust shee said All the while I was a maid I obey'd my parentes and now that I am a vvife I obey my husband wherfore if your request be honest and reasonable goe mooue it to my husband A faire Gentlewoman was maried away by her friends to an ill-fac'd and a crooked person And a kinswoman of hers comming to comfort her on a time shee said As for friendes cosen it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands we must take them as we find them A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he lou'd her as his soule She
London-mates passing by his doore and seeing him stand there ask'd him what hee meant to giue ouer his Ale-house at London and come thether he answered To recollect myselfe A poore man trauelling on the way met with a poore Tayler who offred him his sheeres to sell He because it was an easie peniworth gaue him all the mony he had for theÌ„ thinking that the next place he came at he might happily sell them for more So traueilling on his way at last he came to an Ale-house where by chaunce was then a Taylers wife a tippling among her Gossips who seeing his sheeres straight thought he was a Tayler and had him home to her house to dinner And after dinner brought him foorth a peece of cloth to cut out in garmentes He all this while was content tooke the chalke in his hand and began to make and vnmake and countermake a many lines and dashes vpon the cloth and so continued a good space till at last she marueilling therat ask'd him what he did hee answered I measure out how many Sizzers these sheeres will make One asked a plaine fellow whether he could tyle or no hee answered Yea in good houre bee it spoken I haue tyl'd in London A disconteÌ„ted Tayler said to a niggardly Gent. who had abridg'd him a third part of his bill You a Gentil Faith sir no a Iew you are An Artizan fed his Prentise onlie with Liuers and Lightes And being on a day to goe doe a little worke out of towne hee bid his Prentise come after and meet him at such a place Meane time hee went afore and being come to the place appointed there he staid for his Prentise whom at last he might see comming aloose off with a load on his shoulders and being come neer him he marueill'd therat and ask'd him why he brought that great log with him the Prentise answered So many lights haue I eaten that I thought the open country-ayre would haue caried me quite away and therefore did I take this loade vpon me A Scauinger loading a dung-cart by chaunce a Kyte flew ouer him and a Tayler in the next shop seeing it sayd Oh see there sirrha your fellow Scauinger No answered the Scauinger Prick-louse it is a Bussard like you A Gentlewoman fearing to be drown'd said Now Iesu receiue our soules Soft maistresse answered the water-man I trow we are not yet come to that passe A Butcher running after a sheep in the street and crying to the people Stop the sheep stop the sheep An other ran after him and cri'd Stop the theefe stop the theefe A merrie old Artizan seeing a milk-woman passe by his shop and crying fresh Cheese and Creame call'd her to him and tasting to her cream-pot as though he meant to buy drunk it clean off and so deliuer'd her the pot againe saying Get yee gone ye baggage come yee hether to cosen mee with your sowre milke Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by and hee calling him into his shop tooke his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste therof as though hee meant to buy and dranke of it at least a six-pennie draught and so deliur'd him his bottle againe saying I marie this warmes my colde creame well and cheares me at the very heart One asking a Wood-monger whether such a widdowe were not in his debt he answered No truly shee hath alwayes paid me verie vertuously A London-Printer sent his Prentise for a messe of Mustard vvho asking him where he should fetch it he surlie answered In France Very good sir quoth the Prentise And with that he tooke a Mustard-pot in his hand and forth he went to Pâ—llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France he imbark'd therein to France he went vvhere he remain'd the space of almost a yeere At last return'd home again he came that very same day twelue-moneth to his maister and deliuer'd him the foresaid pot-full of Mustard saying Hold here Maister your messe of French Mustard The said Prentise entring by and by after into his maisters Printing-house and finding a Dutch-man there working at the Presse straight stept vnto him and snatching the balles out of his hands gaue him a good cuffe on the eare sayd Why how now Butter-boxe Cannot a man so soon turne his back to fetch his maister a messe of Mustard but you to step straight into his place The end of the fourth part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The Fift part OF IESTERS ONe asked the Marques of Villena his Iester what vertue he thought was in a Turkey stone he answered Marie if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower you to breake your necke and the stone to haue no hurt The Marques of Villena willed his Chamberlaine to giue his Foole Perico de Ayala one of his cloath of golde jerkins and the Chamberlaine deliuer'd him onely the sleeues and the skirts of it The Vice seeing himselfe so deluded went straight to the Father of the Confraternitie of the Court and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Marques of Villena his roomes and will'd him to come fetch away the Coorse foorthwith to buriall The Priest beleeu'd him came thether with a many people attending him not knowing but that he went in very deed for a dead body Passing along the Foole foremost tinckling the bell in his hand as the maner is the Marques hearing the bell look'd out at the windowe and ask'd wherefore they came thether The Vice answered Wee come my Lord for the bodie of the coate you gaue me which I verily suppose is dead because I haue here some principall meÌ„bers of it without which out of doubt it cannot liue The Emperour Charles being priuate on a time in his priuie Chamber accompaned onely with his Iester one Romero de Figueroa a poore Gent. whose small liuing lay vpon the edge of Portugall came and desir'd to speake with his Majestie The Iester told the Emperour thereof who answering Bid him choose some other time for that I am now disposed to be priuate a while No I beseech you Caesar reply'd the Iester let vs haue him in for out of doubt he will els for verie anger put vp all his landes in a basket and flie to Portugall Alonso King of Spaine progressing along the country passed by a great hill in the midst of a plaine which seem'd to haue bin cast vp by the handes of men and asking the cause of it answer was made that in the time of Almanzar a Moore King Cordua was then chiefe towne of all that countrey and hee enjoyn'd the inhabitantes therabout in token of their true alleageance to him euery housholder once a yeere to bring to that place a basket-full of earth which being performed the space of many yeares together rais'd it to that hugenesâ—e as did appeare Then the King asked his Iester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contayned hee answered Making one