CVPIDS Whirligig As it hath bene sundry times Acted by the Children of the Kings Majesties Reuels LONDON Imprinted by E. Allde and are to bee solde by Arthur Iohnson at the signe of the white Horse nere the great North doore of Saint Paules Church 1607 The Actors names The Olde Lord Nonsuch Alderman Venter A Marchant Sir Timothy Troublesome a iealious Knight The Lady Troublesome The iealious Knights wife Maister Correction The Pedant Mistris Correction The Midwife Peg The Ladie Troublesomes Kinswoman Nan Old Venters Daughter Nucome The Welch Courtier Boy Nucomes Page The foure Schollers The young Lord Nonsuch a Begging Soldier Slacke a swaggering captaine Maister Exhibition The Ins-a-court man To his much honoured beloued respected and iudiciall friend Maister Robert Hayman SIR I must needs discharge two Epistles vpō you the one the Readers that should be like haile shot that scatters and strikes a multitude the other dedicatory like a bullet that aimes onely at your selfe if either doe strike you it shal bee at your choice whether I shall hit you in the head to let you vnderstand my meaning or in the heart to make you conceiue my loue yet I must confesse I had rather expresse my loue out of the flint then my meaning in any part of the shot I aime at you rather then the Reader because since our trauailes I haue bene pregnant with desire to bring foorth something whereunto you may be witnesse and now being brought a bed if you please to bee Godfather I doubt not but this childe shal be wel maintained seeing hee cannot liue aboue an houre with you and therefore shall intreat you when he is dead he may be buried deepe enough in your good opinion and he shall deserue this Epitaph Heere lies the Childe who was borne in mirth against the strict rules of all Childe-birth and to be quit I gaue him to my friend Who laught him to death and that was his end Yours while he is his owne E S The Prologue OVr Authors Pen loues not to swim in blood He dips no Inke from out blacke Acheron Nor suckes inuention from the depth of hell Nor crosseth Seas to get a forraine plot He taxes no Goddesses for foulest lust Nor doth disclose the secret scapes of Ioue He rips not vp the horred maw of hell To shew foule treasons hideous ouglie face Nor doth he touch the falles of mightie Kings No antient Historie no Shepheards loue No states-mans life no power of death he showes He onely striues with mirth to please each one Since laughter is peculiar vnto man and being sure freelie to speake can be no sinne If honest wordes haue honest consturing Therefore to flie the least cause of offence He onely findes but words you finde the sence Wherfore if ought vnto your eare taste tart Thank but your selues which good to ill conuert Yet this he ought hath stricktly charg'd me say That hee 's a slaue and of a base condition That doth but draw it to suspition That heere he priuately taxeth any man Since all the world yeeldes vice to play vppon What he intends action shall make you knowe I should fore-stall the play should I but showe CVPIDS Whirligig The Scene in London Enter Cupid VVIth feathered speede I pierc'd the Ayre The cloudes a sunder I did teare And thus with winges and bowe come I Newlie from Ioues hye Court in skie My mother kis'd me at our parting But did charge me leaue my darting And with a strict commaund did say Boy on a Whirligig goe play But such a round I le make him runne As he shall end where first begunne My scourg-stickes shall be made of Darts Fethered with sighes of Louers hearts Which made them flie with swiftest flight As lightning in tempestious night My scourge it selfe are golden tresses More ritcher far then chaines of Esses With which I le make some daunce a Iigge More rounder yet then ere did Gig. But time doth call me to be gone Yet first to all you lookers on Before I part I thus much tell That Gods can goe invisibell And though you do not all times eye me Yet know at all times I am by yee And be assur'd and doe not thinke But that you stand full nere the brinke Of my displeasure which if ye winne In loue I le make ye sinke or swimme Thus farwell all sit patient yet a while Least Cupid make your selues your selues beguile Enter the old Lord Nonsuch Alderman Venter Sir Timothy Troublesome Venter MY Lord you know your selfe and I haue long liu'd friends and shal we now with firme affection knit tie fast our friendship in our Of-springs loue conuey our cares in one our goods together and our loues in them and whiles the remnant of our aged daies doe last le ts do'ff all discontents cast by the worldes incombers and leaue the carefull burthen of keeping that was care enough to get vppon the youthfull hope of their more able strength Old Lord O Neighbour Venter doe you not knowe that to marrie a Childe is but to marre a man for hee that cuts a tender twig in springing both marres his length and spoiles his growing my sonne shall first see twentie yeares of age before my condesent shal once be giuen to make him father of a sonne Besides your daughter yet is very yong and though in Womens sex 't is alwaies seene desire to mariage rides alwaies in post yet in their Inne repentance is their host the fault of this is alwaies knowne to be through foolish husbands or such as are to young for Children to their wiues are like fruite halfe ripe they yeeld no taste nor giue no sweete delight Enter the young Lord Ven. Beholde heere comes my young Lord the verye modell of your selfe the Vigor of your youth and strength of all your future hopes Old Lord And hee is welcome what suddaine gust my Sonne in hast hath blowne thee hither and made thee leaue the Court where so many earth-treading starres adornes the sky of state or as the summers speckled flowry garment is spread about the seate of Maiestie what is the reason thou hast left this earthly Paradice to visite vs before our expectation Young Lord My loue deare Father to your faire wife hath made my houres of absence from this place seeme teadious yeares I could not but returne from whence I came as like to man the which of clay was framde at first did walke a while vpon the earth but in the end return'd to dust or like a Riuer which through the earth doth drawe his life and spring from out the sea Thus I that from you sprung haue runne my course awhile but now as to my sea returne to you againe Old Lord Thy answere with thy wisdome hath inrich'd thy welcome deare friendes I pray you set your handes to this my deed Exit olde Lord Ven. I doe my Lord with all deuoted loue Exit Ven. Kni. And I which hate my wife his mistris his welcome home
vigilant care which if I doe espie I le turne her off Wag. Alas alas sir you haue no reason to be angrie much lesse to be deuorced although shee doe transgresse are you not cut haue ye not giuen her cause is it not out of meere necessitie she doth it therefore if you follow my counsaile make her amends with kindenesse and put not her away Kni: Beleeue me he speakes wisely and good counsaile like a Lady is to be imbraced Slac. Not put her away and if she wrong him If hee doe not I say he is one of the aranst blocks that euer mā spurned on why is he not a Gentleman a Knight hath a not seene fashion sir I would haue you beare a noble minde put her away and you list t is no matter for cause if she change but a treneher with the Groome of your stable t is dealing enough to bee diuorced Therefore put her away and then you may haue another wife Kni. Another wife Sla. True a gallant and yet a modest Lady too one that shall nourish no blood but your owne tender your reputation as the apple of her eye honour euen your verie footsteps Kni: She shall goe I le make her trusse vp her trinckets oh faith she shall away Wag. Shall she away if she doe you doe you knowe not what you draw a thousand thousand enemies about your eares her kindred thei ll exclaime no friends will seeke reuenge and your enemies will growe euen fat with laughter at your folly Besides what Woman then will haue you are you not gelded assure your selfe that now there is none will loue you moste will hate you but all will scorne you therefore by my aduice make much of her and keepe her while you haue her Kni. Hah now by the vertue of my hearing he speakes but reason Sla. So t is good to keepe her stil dwell in the Subburbs to break down your owne glasse windowes set some pickes vppon your hatch and I pray professe to keepe a Baudy-house Kni. A Bawdie-house no I le die first and if I see but any apparent shewe of her disloyaltie I le euen be diuorced immediately Exit Knight and Slacke Wag. Well I see the substance of this slaue is villanie But I le preuent him euen what I can Since none is worse then a Seruing honest man Exit Sound Musicke Actus Quarti Scena prima Enter Knight and Slacke Kni: Why had I not a good legge did I not alwaies weare cleane lining was not my hand washed my beard comb'd my cloake brushed and my shooes blacked euery morning Slac. True why the more viler strumpet shee to cuckold you Kni, But how doo'st knowe she is with childe Sla. Knowe it why shee 's dayly troubled with water panges and quakings ouer her stomacke Kni: Indeede I must needes say that 's a great proofe shee hath fild her bellie with something that stood against her stomacke but doost not thinke t is my childe Slac: Your's why how can 't be your's are you not circumcised to the quicke Kni. Yes and the rememberance of it galles me Sla: That 's a signe ye are too patient and like an Ass eindure all without resistance Kni. Ha ha ha Sla. But why doe you laugh sir Kni. To thinke who the childe will be like Sla. Why you who should it be like else Kni: Why t is none of mine man Sla. Why the more like you for that why doe you not not knowe the Philosophers hold the childe is alwaies like the partie which the mother thinkes off in the conception now she thought moste of you for feare you should a come the whiles and that 's the reason so many Gentlemens sonnes are like your Cittizens and calles them fathers too for otherwise how could it bee that a young Cockney being left fortie or fiftiie thousand pounds spends all within so many monthes but that some young gallant begat him for you knowe the prouer be Cat will after kinde No had the old Cittizen begotten him he would a bit a Fig in two to haue made iust weight haue had a pot with a false bottom rather then a solde too much measure hee would haue done al things within measure as your olde Citizen did and not a spend al beyond measure as your young Gallants doe Kni. But were not I best goe home and vse her well till the childe be borne to see if it be like me that I may bee sure t is none of mine Sla. O no that were base and as deceitfull as the Collick when it breakes out in winde which leuels at a mans heele and it strikes him in the nose therefore neuer make a show of one thing and doe an other but put her away rid your handes of her and there 's an end Kni. I thinke whoe 's the father of the bastard Sla. Why who 's the Father of a Punckes childe i st not filius populi it may haue two Fathers for any thing wee knowe Kni: Well Slacke I doe verrie much mistrust Wages too for he is growne verie familiar of late Sla. True sir and takes her part too and ye marke him Kni. I marke him no Slacke no pray heauen a marke not me but I le instantly sue out a diuorce hap what hap shall but ill 's his hap whose wife lies down to all Exit Kni. Enter Wages Wag. Of all honest aminall's your Cuckold is the best For he is sure a Gentleman and knowen by his crest Sla. Of all occupations that euer man profest In my opinion still doth hold the Cutpursse is the best Wag And why the Cutpursse Sla. Because he will trust no man foe as soone as hee hath lone his worke hee is sure to haue his money in his hand Wag. Nay then a lawyer is a better trade then that for he is sure of his money before hee doth his worke Sla. But I pray thee what 's the newes abroad now VVag. Why they say the worlde is like a Byas bowle and it runnes all on the rich mens sides others say t is like a Tennis-ball and fortune keepes such a Racket with it as it tosses it in to times hazzard and that deuoures all and for my part they say t will shortly runne vppon wheeles with me for my Maister sweares a will haue me carted because a thinkes I haue layen with my Lady Sla: Nay then t will runne vpon wheeles with thee indeed but peace foole peace when thou art once marryed that suspect will die Wag. Peace foole peace saist thou when I am marryed doost heare I tell thee there is no pece in marriage vnlesse it bee with a dumbe woman no nor but little comfort neither Sla: No way why doth the Ballad say then So sweete a thing is Loue that rules both heart and minde there is no comfort in the world to women that are blinde Wag Kinde man the Ballet saies Sla. Masse I thinke a be kinde indeed yet blind's the better of the two