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A70659
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The life of a satyrical pvppy, called Nim who worrieth all those satyrists he knowes, and barkes at the rest / by T.M.
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T. M.; May, Thomas, 1595-1650.
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1657
(1657)
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Wing M82A; ESTC R38869
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48,545
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127
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Eies are heavie which naturally require the light His plump Cheekes that were wont to be so immodest as to kisse his shoulders resemble now Famine painted on a clean Trencher His great Belly that barr'd him the sight of both his knees is growne invisible it selfe All his discourse tends to the description of my Fathers dexterity in running away which he admires with Curses There is a goodly Meddow joyning to his House encompassed with a River whose beauty in the Summer did often invite my wantonnesse to sport with May-Flies dabble in the water hunt my shaddow all which exprest how truly senseless I was that a Compell'd Charity from divers men maintain'd my being If the sottish old Man mett me there he would even sindge his Beard with a scorching sigh and quench the Liquid flame againe with Teares Villaine quoth he Where is my Rent a plague upon your Fathers dexterity his London debts that were due to him on Whitsunday was Twelve-moneth his Christmas-tales his costly-invitations my Wife my two Sonnes and my selfe to a butter'd Parsnip three poach't Egges and a dride Cucumber Goe from my sight you Bastard Mun you live so merry with a pox upon other Mens costs your greasie chops thanks to my sinnes doth cost me for my share two pence a weeke None of this could my young capacity apprehend wherefore Nature did not only make ignorance worthy his envie but a defence to me and offence to him It was not long after when Fortune exprest her smiles in delivering me from thence for on a Tuesday night a Gentleman hot and dry with hard riding lighted at the Mill proffer'd money for a Cup of Beere and had it I held his his Horse The Miller who greedily expected some occasion whereby he might proclaime his formerlosse and present Charity accuses me of cheating Boyes at play how I had just my Fathers tricks even by succession at last blurts out all The Gentleman marking my sparkish behaviour and with what an innocent resolution I stood in defence of my Father earnestly enquires after my name which was no sooner told him but he tooke me by the hand called me Kinsman for he himself was a Gloucester-shire NIM but whether there were any propinquitie of blood between us I could never yet learne Well he was a wealthy old Batchelor and my good genius did so farre collogue with his that without entreaty he promist to discharge the Parish of my Person within a weeke his action pursued his promise too as fast as a good Horse could bring it to me and me to him Under whose charge I lived till I was one and Twenty yeares old where and in what manner I omit to discover it being indeed nothing pertinent to that grave stuffe wherewith I intend to line my Book For what passages can such green yeares afford worthy thy knowledge or my description none at all yet some have that way heretofore caught the approbation of learned Readers when in another way they have quite lost themselves So great a difference is there between the Times past and ours for Fancy whose Weakenesse then foild off the defects of a bad writer is now turned to a second Zoïlus and dulles the edge of her own delight with absur'd Carping So singularly excellent likewise is naturall instinct admitting no second quality to passe approved under her expression But howsoever each circumstance that my proceedings did beger after my nonage impartiall of my future Fame or the name of NIM I will relate CHAP. II. NIM Tells the Story of his Patrons Death with other circumstances worth reading THe World had not owned me full one and twenty years when my good Patron dyed being old rich but too well stored with Kinsmen there were more NIMS besides my selfe Wone Baby came post from Gloucester arriv'd at our House two dayes before the Funeralls were sollemnized A second squint-eied-Fop of Teuxburie that could scarce perceive a Mountaine through a Prospective Horst on his covetuous desires arriv'd there the Funeral day not to mourn heaven knows but upon a certaine Physicall advertisement that Gold is soveraigne for the Eie-sight My fortune proved worth a Hundred Pounds which the good man left me by Will in recompence of which all former courtesies I am pleased to extract him a second life from the true relation of the manner of his Death He lay sick of a burning Fever a long time his death being deferred more for the Physitians gaine then his ease or probability of ever recovering A necessary knavery in them and Lawyers to make men give money for paine and trouble Five howres before his departure hence he bad me write his Will The disposing a thing of such consequence to the weake managing of our decayed senses and last minutes exprest in him that counterfit hope of longer life which covetous men force from dead Hearts and six to oppose sense most apparent in contradiction His sick Groans accompanying his words argued me-thought with what an ill will he parted from those gifts and how sorry he was he could not make his soul Executor A great minde he had to erect an Almes-house for decayed Souldiers but a poore benefic'd Parson who stood by smothers in his owne particular want the knowledg of that superfluous height which generally his Tribe live in and strives by the force of zealous phrase to make himself disposer of anothers Charity pleading how much the building of a Colledge with allowance for Twenty Fellowes would encrease Learning and memorize the noble Given The Physitian who till now sat silent on the Bed speakes in approbation of the sick mans former intent and maintaines with lusty Argument how necessary it is poore Souldiers that lose their Limbs abroad in defence of their Country returning not rich enough to buy Woodden ones should be relieved lest necessity arming them with an excuse they conspire with forraigne Enemies to besiege Ingratitude at home The Parson being cross'd fell from modest discourse to impious rayling and mixing serious absurditie with a leaden witt he bandies Jests amongst the rest this one was noted because he laught at it him selfe Sir quoth he belike Souldiers want Purses for you to purge the Devill hath possest you with an imaginary inconvenience that follows good deeds You are grown wearie too of ministring Physick to poore Men gratis your Charity is cold and lacks a wrought velved Gowne to warme it or your Worship would ride a Cock-horse and change Foot-clothes every Spring No replied the Physitian Custome and rugged War is in the Souldier an Antidote that prevents the very effects of sicknesse nor Cannon nor Sword makes any worke for us therefore if any man in that kinde be guilty of Covetuousnesse it is the Chirurgion to whom address your accusation Yet I most admire how you can apply Pride to us for being a thing that becomes no man we seldome weare it but contrary to the Proverb it becomes you worst though it
THE LIFE OF A SATYRICAL PVPPY Called NIM WHO WORRIETH ALL THOSE SATYRISTS HE KNOWES AND BARKES AT THE REST By T. M. LONDON Printed by for Humphrey Moseley at the Prince's Armes in St. Paul's Church-yard 1657. TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE and most eminent GEORGE Duke of BUCKINGHAM c Great Sir EXpectation flattering my hopes shortned the way from London hither but now the Servants slow aspects reserv'd behaviours might scare young modesty from venturing to approach Yet I excuse the smal address they suffer to your noble person by saying they know the worth of it therefore make it not cheap to every Eie And in supposing all Strangers to be Sutors they proclaim your aboad the very Seat where all Justice doth inhabit Here I arrive empty of mercenary Thoughts for Duty hath prefer'd me to such a strange ambition that I do even give unto your gracious self Nim and Bung his man both born to attend your Lordships mirth It was made transcrib'd and bound up yours nay I was so zealous in curiosity that but this Copy besides the Original is extant Had not learned friends after perusal urg'd me to this boldnesse Nim had known humility who now discovers the inside of them who most envy your Graces high deserved happiness whilst every jeast proves by interpretation serious though he nominates none If in the least kind he degenerate from my chast intents tear it into a form more displeasing then your Anger All my present sute is your Grace would deigne to read it which when confirm'd by promise I shall return to London and publish my successe Your Graces humblest Servant T. M. THE CONTENTS OF THE CHAPTERS CHAP. I. NIM after his Proem to the Reader discovers the place of his birth and why the relation of his Childish proceedings is omitted CHAP. II. Nim tells the Story of his Patrons death with other circumstances worth the reading CHAP. III. Nim reports the conditions of his Patrons Heir with the reason and manner of his departure from him CHAP. IV. Nim riding towards London is overtaken by a Citizen who tells them a merry story besides their discourse together with the fashion of their Host in Mayden-head is in this Chapter most punctually related CHAP. V. Nim perseveres in relating what befel them in the Inne rides from thence to London acquaints you with a Feast worth the laughing at treats of the City-Cries and promiseth graver stuffe hereafter CHAP. VI Nim most wittily reveales his admirable Dream urnes Satyrist and omits not the relation of those reasens which induc'd him to it CHAP. VII Nim being drunk goes to hire a Servant in Paul's and after a sober description of the Church and Walkers recounts how strangely he was supply'd with one CHAP. VIII Nim acquaints you with his first proceedings in his Satyricall calling and inveighs against Threee Men who publiqnely professe themselves to be of the same vocation CHAP. IX Nim doth in particular exclaim against all those Satyrists who hide themselves yet publish their Writings shews reasons for so doing with a trick that he hath bobs privately delivers a brief superficiall Character of the Hollanders and relates in what manner he spent part of his time in London when attended on by his Man Bung. CHAP. X. Nim being desirous to make thee laugh doth in this Chapter report a notable merry accident which befel his Man Oliver Bung. CHAP. XI Nim takes occasion to present thy acceptance with a Character of a Whore and hath graced his expression by the relation of Bungs most witty revenge CHAP. XII Nim complains of Bung's villanous service intends to be rid of him declares what himselfe hath spent since he came to London and discourses most wittily upon a Book called An invective against the Plebeians and Citizens of London CHAP. XIII Nim ripps open the Hearts of Citizens condemns them justly builds another Castle in the Air and relates the pretty fashion of it CHAP. XIV Nim mentions his proceedings against some of the Nobility and what successe he had afterwards in a Pamphlet discovers all the defects of his own penning sends Bung to sell it whose bad adventures moove him to raile on Fate CHAP. XV Nim's Hostesse denies to trust him he fasts two Daies pawns his Cloaths then resolving to part with Bung sends for him to a Tavern and gives him learned Counsell But after Bungs reply he doth change his mind and returns with him to his Patrons Heir promising on a smooth condition to blesse this Book with a second Part. FINIS THE LIFE OF A SATYRICAL PUPPY Called NIM WHO WORRIETH ALL THOSE SATYRISTS HE KNOWS AND BARKS AT THE REST CHAP. I. NIM after his Proem to the Reader discovers the place of his Birth and why the relation of his childish proceedings is omitted IF by divulging my defects I present in some particular thine to thy remembrance it will not onely recompense my labour in Writing but thine in Reading I make the whole World my Confessor preferring a publique commiseration before a private shrift What I have done I have done nor shalt thou behold my Penitence untill thine Eyes arrive to the end of our History If thou findest my faults capital seeke out my excuse in thine own guilt and then blush for us both I entend to wrong no man but my selfe as knowing where I may most presume of pardon therefore extract no dangerous sense from any coorse ambiguous phrase If thy approbation cease on my advice may all the labour I spent to revive my griefs beget mirth and thy future ease First to prevent all inquisitive expectation concerning my Parentage I will relate it to you My Father was a Gentleman by birth though Time hath stolne away his Coate and disguised him in necessitie My Mother subject to the same fortune may pleade the like in her defence lest detraction advantag'd by laing hold on my behavior in the World might wrong her Ancestors He was never stak'd to a certaine place of residence but went on Pilgrimage fourteen yeares to visit the Shrine of Saint Charity at last found it Wintring or at least very cold in Hackney three Miles distant from London The fat Miller there a notable old Thiefe made him his Tenant but he gul'd his own Conscience with an excusive Proverbe fallere fallentem non est fraus him of five yeares Rent with running away Leaving me very young as pawne to the Parish for that and other borrowed Money till Fortune and his honesty could procure my redemption But as the Miller swore in a prophetique fury that will never be so it hath prov'd nor have I since so much as heard from him or can devise whither he went Therefore in revenge of such unnaturall dealing I will quite exempt the memory of him from our Story and returne to the Miller as I needs must since Necessity is my Guide and hath left me no where else to goe His Countenance poore Man lowers in a most preposterous forme for his