You 'd better let him go Sir and send for him if there be occasion for I fancy his Presence provokes him more Val. Is the Lawyer gone 't is well then we may drink about without going together by the Ears heigh ho What a Clock is' t My Father here Your Blessing Sir Sir Samp. He recovers bless thee Val How do'st thou do Boy Val. Thank you Sir pretty well I have been a little out of Order won't you please to sit Sir Sir Samp. Ay boy Come thou shalt sit down by me Val. Sir 't is my Duty to wait Sir Samp. No no come come sit you down honest Val How do'st thou do let me feel thy Pulse Oh pretty well now Val Body o' me I was sorry to see thee indisposed But I 'm glad thou' rt better honest Val. Val. I thank you Sir Scan. Miracle the Monster grows loving Aside Sir Samp. Let me feel thy Hand again Val it does not shake I believe thou can'st write Val Ha boy Thou can'st write thy Name Val Ieremy step and overtake Mr. Buckram bid him make haste back with the Conveyance quick quick In Whisper to Jeremy Exit Jere. Scan. aside That ever I shou'd suspect such a Heathen of any Remorse Sir Samp. Do'st thou know this Paper Val I know thou' rt honest and wil't perform Articles Shews him the Paper but holds it out of his reach Val. Pray let me see it Sir You hold it so far off that I can't tell whether I know it or no. Sir Samp. See it boy Aye aye why thou do'st see it 't is thy own Hand Val. Why let me see I can read it as plain as can be Look you here reads The Condition of this Obligation Look you as plain as can be so it begins And then at the bottom As witness my Hand Ualentine Legend in great Letters Why 't is as plain as the Nose in one's Face What are my Eyes better than thine I believe I can read it farther off yet let me see Stretches his Arm as far as he can Val. Will you please to let me hold it Sir Sir Samp. Let thee hold it say'st thou Aye with all my Heart What matter is it who holds it What need any body hold it I 'll put it up in my Pocket Val And then no body need hold it puts the Paper in his Pocket There Val it 's safe enough Boy But thou shalt have it as soon as thou hast set thy Hand to another Paper little Val. Re-enter Jeremy with Buckram Val. What is my bad Genius here again Oh no 't is the Lawyer with an itching Palm and he 's come to be scratch'd My Nails are not long enough Let me have a Pair of Red hot Tongues quickly quickly and you shall see me act St. Dunstan and lead the Devil by the Nose Buckr O Lord let me be gone I 'll not venture my self with a Madman Exit Buckram Val. Ha ha ha you need not run so fast Honesty will not overtake you Ha ha ha the Rogue found me out to be in Forma Pauperis presently Sir Samp. Oo'ns What a Vexation is here I know not what to do or say nor which way to go Val. Who 's that that 's out of his Way I am Truth and can set him right Hearkee Friend the straight Road is the worst way you can go He that follows his Nose always will very often be led into a Stink Probatum est But what are you for Religion or Politicks There 's a couple of Topicks for you no more like one another than Oyl and Vinegar and yet those two beaten together by a State-Cook make Sauce for the whole Nation Sir Samp. What the Devil had I to do ever to beget Sons Why did I ever marry Val. Because thou wer 't a Monster old Boy The two greatest Monsters in the World are a Man and a Woman what 's thy Opinion Sir Samp. Why my Opinion is that those two Monsters join'd together make yet a greater that 's a Man and his Wife Val. A ha Old Truepenny say'st thou so thou hast nick'd it But its wonderful strange Ieremy Iore What is Sir Val. That Gray Hairs shou'd cover a Green Head and I make a Fool of my Father Enter Foresight Mrs. Foresight and Frail. Val. What 's here Erra Pater or a bearded Sybil If Prophecy comes Truth must give place Exit with Jere. Fore What says he What did he prophesie Ha Sir Sampson bless us How are we Sir Samp. Are we Ah Pox o' your Prognostication Why we are Fools as we use to be Oo'ns that you cou'd not foresee that the Moon wou'd predominate and my Son be mad Where 's your Oppositions your Trines and your Quadrates What did your Cardan and your Ptolomee tell you Your Messahalah and your Longomontanus your Harmony of Chiromancy with Astrology Ah! pox on 't that I that know the World and Men and Manners that don't believe a Syllable in the Sky and Stars and Sun and Almanacks and Trash should be directed by a Dreamer an Omen-hunter and defer Business in Expectation of a lucky Hour When body o' me there never was a lucky Hour after the first opportunity Exit Sir Samp. Fore Ah Sir Sampson Heav'n help your Head This is none of your lucky Hour Nemo omnibus horis sapit What is he gone and in contempt of Science Ill Stars and unconverted Ignorance attend him Scan. You must excuse his Passion Mr. Foresight for he has been heartily vex'd His Son is Non compos mentis and thereby incapable of making any Conveyance in Law so that all his measures are disappointed Fore Ha! say you so Frail. What has my Sea-Lover lost his Anchor of Hope then Aside to Mrs. Foresight Mrs. Fore Oh Sister what will you do with him Frail. Do with him send him to Sea again in the next foul Weather He 's us'd to an inconstant Element and won't be surpriz'd to see the Tide turn'd Fore Wherein was I mistaken not to foresee this Considers Scan. Madam you and I can tell him something else that he did not foresee and more particularly relating to his own Fortune Aside to Mrs. Foresight Mrs. Fore What do you mean I don't understand you Scan. Hush softly the Pleasures of last Night my Dear too considerable to he forgot so soon Mrs. Fore Last Night and what wou'd your Impudence infer from last night last Night was like the Night before I think Scan. ' S'death do you make no difference between me and your Husband Mrs. Fore Not much he 's superstitious and you are mad in my opinion Scan. You make me mad You are not serious Pray recollect your self Mrs. Fore O yes now I remember you were very impertinent and impudent and would have come to Bed to me Scan. And did not Mrs. Fore Did not with that face can you ask the Question Scan. This I have heard of before but never believ'd I have been told she had that admirable quality
the Council and Generals of an Army lead just such a life as I do have just such Crowds of Visitants in a morning all soliciting of past promises which are but a civiller sort of Duns that lay claim to voluntary Debts Scan. And you like a true great Man having engaged their Attendance and promis'd more than ever you intend to perform are more perplex'd to find Evasions than you would be to invent the honest means of keeping your word and gratifying your Creditors Val. Scandal learn to spare your Friends and do not provoke your Enemies this liberty of your Tongue will one day bring a Confinement on your Body my Friend Re-enter Jeremy Iere. O Sir there 's Trapland the Scrivener with two suspicious Fellows like lawful Pads that wou'd knock a Man down with Pocket-Tipstaves And there 's your Father's Steward and the Nurse with one of your Children from Twitnam Val. Pox on her cou'd she find no other time to fling my Sins in my Face Here give her this Gives Money and bid her trouble me no more a thoughtless two handed Whore she knows my Condition well enough and might have overlaid the Child a Fortnight ago if she had had any forecast in her Scan. What is it Bouncing Margery and my Godson Iere. Yes Sir Scan. My Blessing to the Boy with this Token Gives Money of my Love And d' ee hear bid Margery put more Flocks in her Bed shift twice a Week and not work so hard that she may not smell so vigorously I shall take the Air shortly Val. Scandal don't spoil my Boy 's Milk Bid Trapland come in If I can give that Cerberus a Sop I shall be at rest for one day Exit Jeremy Enter Trapland and Jeremy O Mr. Trapland my old Friend Welcome Ieremy a Chair quickly A Bottle of Sack and a Toast a Chair first Trap. A good Morning to you Mr. Valentine and to you Mr. Scandal Scan. The Morning 's a very good Morning if you don't spoil it Val. Come sit you down you know his way Trap. Sits There is a Debt Mr. Valentine of 1500 l. of pretty long standing Val. I cannot talk about Business with a Thirsty Palate Sirrah the Sack Trap. And I desire to know what Course you have taken for the Payment Val. Faith and Troth I am heartily glad to see you my Service to you fill fill to honest Mr. Trapland fuller Trap. Hold Sweet-heart This is not to our Business my Service to you Mr. Scandal Drinks I have forborn as long Val. T'other Glass and then we 'll talk Fill Ieremy Trap. No more in truth I have forborn I say Val. Sirrah fill when I bid you And how do's your handsome Daughter Come a good Husband to her Drinks Trap. Thank you I have been out of this Money Val. Drink first Scandal why do you not Drink They Drink Trap. And in short I can be put off no longer Val. I was much oblig'd to you for your Supply It did me Signal Service in my necessity But you delight in doing good Scandal Drink to me my Friend Trapland's Health An honester Man lives not nor one more ready to serve his Friend in Distress tho' I say it to his face Come fill each Man his Glass Scan. What I know Trapland has been a Whoremaster and loves a Wench still You never knew a Whoremaster that was not an honest Fellow Trap. Fie Mr. Scandal you never knew Scan. What don't I know I know the Buxom black Widdow in the Poultry 800 l. a Year Joynture and 20000 l. in Money A hah Old Trap. Val. Say you so I'faith Come we 'll remember the Widow I know where abouts you are Come to the Widow Trap. No more indeed Val. What the Widows Health give it him off with it They Drink A Lovely Girl I'faith black sparkling Eyes soft pouting Ruby-Lips better sealing there than a Bond for a Million hah Trap. No no there 's no such thing we 'd better mind our business You 're a Wag. Val. No faith we 'll mind the Widow's business fill again Pretty round heaving Breasts a Barbary shape and a Jut with her Bum would stir an Anchoret And the prettiest Foot Oh if a Man could but fasten his Eyes to her Feet as they steal in and out and play at Bo-peep under her Petticoats ah Mr. Trapland Trap. Verily give me a Glass you 're a Wag and here 's to the Widow Drinks Scan. He begins to Chuckle ply him close or he 'l relapse into a Dun. Enter Officer Off. By your leave Gentlemen Mr. Trapland if we must do our Office tell us We have half a dozen Gentlemen to Arrest in Pall-Mall and Covent-Garden and if we don't make haste the Chairmen will be abroad and block up the Chocolate-Houses and then our labour 's lost Trap. ' Udso that 's true Mr. Valentine I love Mirth but business must be done are you ready to Iere. Sir your Father's Steward says he comes to make Proposals concerning your Debts Val. Bid him come in Mr. Trapland send away your Officer You shall have an answer presently Trap. Mr. Snap stay within Call Exit Officer Enter Steward and Whispers Valentine Scan. Here 's a Dog now a Traytor in his Wine Sirrah refund the Sack Ieremy fetch him some warm water or I 'll rip up his Stomach and go the shortest way to his Conscience Trap. Mr. Scandal you are Uncivil I did not value your Sack but you cannot expect it again when I have drank it Scan. And how do you expect to have your Money again when a Gentleman has spent it Val. You need say no more I understand the Conditions they are very hard but my Necessity is very pressing I agree to 'em take Mr. Trapland with you and let him draw the Writing Mr. Trapland you know this Man he shall satisfie you Trap. Sincerely I am loth to be thus pressing but my necessity Val. No Apology good Mr. Scrivener you shall be paid Trap. I hope you forgive me my business requires Exeunt Steward Trap. and Jere. Scan. He begs Pardon like a Hangman at an Execution Val. But I have got a Reprieve Scan. I am surpriz'd what do's your Father relent Val. No He has sent me the hardest Conditions in the World You have heard of a Booby-Brother of mine that was sent to Sea three Years ago This Brother my Father hears is Landed whereupon he very affectionately sends me word If I will make a Deed of Conveyance of my Right to his Estate after his Death to my younger Brother he will immediately furnish me with Four thousand Pound to pay my Debts and make my Fortune This was once propos'd before and I refus'd it but the present impatience of my Creditors for their Money and my own impatience of Confinement and absence from Angelica force me to consent Scan. A very desperate Demonstration of your love to Angelica And I think she has never given you any assurance of hers Val. You know her
Stars with all my heart What I 'll make thee a Present of a Mummy Now I think on 't Body of me I have a Shoulder of an Egyptian King that I purloyn'd from one of the Pyramids powder'd with Hieroglyphicks thou shalt have it sent home to thy House and make an Entertainment for all the Philomaths and Students in Physick and Astrology in and about London Fore But what do you know of my Wife Sir Sampson Sir Samp. Thy Wife is a Constellation of Vertues she 's the Moon and thou art the Man in the Moon Nay she is more Illustrious than the Moon for she has her Chastity without her Inconstancy ' S'bud I was but in Jest. Enter Jeremy How now who sent for you Ha! what wou'd you have Fore Nay if you were but in Jest. Who 's that Fellow I don 't like his Physiognomy Sir Samp. My Son Sir what Son Sir My Son Benjamin hoh Iere. No Sir Mr. Valentine my Master 't is the first time he has been abroad since his Consinement and he comes to pay his Duty to you Sir Samp. Well Sir Enter Valentine Iere. He is here Sir Val. Your Blessing Sir Sir Samp. You 've had it already Sir I think I sent it you to day in a Bill of Four thousand Pound A great deal of Money Brother Foresight Fore Aye indeed Sir Sampson a great deal of Money for a young Man I wonder what he can do with it Sir Samp. Body o' me so do I. Heark ye Valentine if there is too much refund the Superfluity Do'st hear Boy Val. Superfluity Sir it will scarce pay my Debts I hope you will have more Indulgence than to oblige me to those hard Conditions which my necessity Sign'd to Sir Samp. Sir how I beseech you what were you pleas'd to intimate concerning Indulgence Val. Why Sir that you wou'd not go to the extremity of the Conditions but release me at least from some part Sir Samp. Oh Sir I understand you that 's all ha Val. Yes Sir all that I presume to ask But what you out of Fatherly fondness will be pleas'd to add shall be doubly welcome Sir Samp. No doubt of it sweet Sir but your filial Piety and my Fatherly fondness wou'd fit like two Tallies Here 's a Rogue Brother Foresight makes a Bargain under Hand and Seal in the Morning and would be releas'd from it in the Afternoon here 's a Rogue Dog here 's Conscience and Honesty this is your Wit now this is the Morality of your Wits You are a Wit and have been a Beau and may be a Why Sirrah is it not here under Hand and Seal Can you deny it Val. Sir I don't deny it Sir Samp. Sirrah you 'll be hang'd I shall live to see you go up Holborn-hill Has he not a Rogues face Speak Brother you understand Physiognomy a Hanging-look to me of all my Boys the most unlike me a has a damn'd Tyburn face without the benefit o' the Clergy Fore Hum truly I don't care to discourage a young Man he has a violent death in his face but I hope no danger of Hanging Val. Sir is this Usage for your Son for that old Weather-headed fool I know how to laugh at him but you Sir Sir Samp. You Sir and you Sir Why who are you Sir Val. Your Son Sir Sir Samp. That 's more than I know Sir and I believe not Val. Faith I hope not Sir Samp. What wou'd you have your Mother a Whore Did you ever hear the like Did you ever hear the like Body o' me Val. I would have an Excuse for your Barbarity and Unnatural Usage Sir Samp. Excuse Impudence why Sirrah mayn't I do what I please Are not you my Slave Did not I beget you And might not I have chosen whether I would have begot you or no Ouns who are you Whence came you What brought you into the World How came you here Sir Here to stand here upon those two Leggs and look erect with that audacious face hah Answer me that Did you come a Voluntier into the World Or did I beat up for you with the lawful Authority of a Parent and press you to the service Val. I know no more why I came than you do why you call'd me But here I am and if you don't mean to provide for me I desire you wou'd leave me as you found me Sir Samp. With all my heart Come Uncase Strip and go naked out of the World as you came into 't Val. My Cloaths are soon put off But you must also deprive me of Reason Thought Passions Inclinations Affections Appetites Senses and the huge Train of Attendants that you begot along with me Sir Samp. Body o' me what a many headed Monster have I propagated Val. I am of my self a plain easie simple Creature and to be kept at small expence but the Retinue that you gave me are craving and invincible they are so many Devils that you have rais'd and will have employment Sir Samp. ' Oons what had I to do to get Children can't a private man be born without all these followers Why nothing under an Emperour should be born with Appetites Why at this rate a fellow that has but a Groat in his Pocket may have a Stomach capable of a Ten Shilling Ordinary Iere. Nay that 's as clear as the Sun I 'll make Oath of it before any Justice in Middlesex Sir Samp. Here 's a Cormorant too ' S'heart this Fellow was not born with you I did not beget him did I Iere. By the Provision that 's made for me you might have begot me too Nay and to tell your Worship another truth I believe you did for I find I was born with those same Whoreson Appetites too that my Master speaks of Sir Samp. Why look you there now I 'll maintain it that by the rule of right Reason this fellow ought to have been born without a Palate ' S'heart what shou'd he do with a distinguishing taste I warrant now he 'd rather eat a Pheasant than a piece of poor Iohn and smell now why I warrant he can smell and loves Persumes above a stink Why there 's it and Musick don't you love Musick Scoundrell Iere. Yes I have a reasonable good Ear Sir as to Jiggs and Country Dances and the like I don't much matter your Sola's or Sonata's they give me the Spleen Sir Samp. The Spleen ha ha ha a Pox confound you Sola's and Sonata's ' Oons whose Son are you how were you engendred Muckworm Iere. I am by my Father the Son of a Chair-man my Mother sold Oysters in Winter and Cucumbers in Summer and I came up Stairs into the World for I was born in a Cellar Fore By your Looks you shou'd go up Stairs out of the World too Friend Sir Samp. And if this Rogue were Anatomiz'd now and dissected he has his Vessels of Digestion and Concoction and so forth large enough for the inside of a Cardinal this Son of a
Cucumber These things are unaccountable and unreasonable Body of me why was not I a Bear that my Cubs might have liv'd upon sucking their Paws Nature has been provident only to Bears and Spiders the one has its Nutriment in his own hands and t'other spins his Habitation out of his Entrails Val. Fortune was provident enough to supply all the Necessities of my Nature if I had my right of Inheritance Sir Samp. Again 'Ouns han't you four thousand Pound If I had it again I wou'd not give thee a Groat What would'st thou have me turn Pelican and feed thee out of my own Vitals ' S'heart live by your Wits You were always fond of the Wits Now let 's see if you have Wit enough to keep your self Your Brother will be in Town to Night or to morrow morning and then look you perform Covenants and so your Friend and Servant Come Brother Foresight Exeunt Sir Samp. and Foresight Iere. I told you what your Visit wou'd come to Val. 'T is as much as I expected I did not come to see him I came to Angelica but since she was gone abroad it was easily turn'd another way and at least look'd well on my side What 's here Mrs. Foresight and Mrs. Frail they are earnest I 'll avoid 'em Come this way and go and enquire when Angelica will return Enter Mrs. Foresight and Mrs. Frail. Mrs. Frail. What have you to do to watch me ' S'life I 'll do what I please Mrs. Fore You will Frail. Yes marry will I A great piece of business to go to Covent-Garden Square in a Hackney-Coach and take a turn with one's Friend Mrs. Fore Nay two or three Turns I 'll take my Oath Frail. Well what if I took twenty I warrant if you had been there it had been only innocent Recreation Lord where 's the comfort of this Life if we can't have the happiness of conversing where we like Mrs. Fore But can't you converse at home I own it I think there 's no happiness like conversing with an agreeable man I don't quarrel at that nor I don't think but your Conversation was very innocent but the place is publick and to be seen with a man in a Hackney-Coach is scandalous What if any Body else shou'd have seen you alight as I did How can any Body be happy while they 're in perpetual fear of being seen and censur'd Besides it wou'd not only reflect upon you Sister but me Frail. Pooh here 's a Clutter why should it reflect upon you I don't doubt but you have thought your self happy in a Hackney-Coach before now If I had gone to Knights-bridge or to Chelsey or to Spring-Garden or Barn-Elms with a man alone something might have been said Mrs. Fore Why was I ever in any of these places What do you mean Sister Frail. Was I what do you mean Mrs. Fore You have been at a worse place Frail. I at a worse place and with a man Mrs. Fore I suppose you would not go alone to the World's-End Frail. The World's end What do you mean to Banter me Mrs. Fore Poor innocent you don't know that there 's a place call'd the World's-End I 'll swear you can keep your Countenance purely you 'd make an Admirable Player Frail. I 'll swear you have a great deal of Impudence and in my mind too much for the Stage Mrs. Fore Very well that will appear who has most You never were at the World's End Frail. No. Mrs. Fore You deny it positively to my Face Frail. Your Face what 's Your Face Mrs. Fore No matter for that it 's as good a Face as Yours Frail. Not by a Dozen Years wearing But I do deny it positively to Your Face then Mrs Fore I 'll allow You now to find fault with my Face for I 'll swear your impudence has put me out of Countenance But look you here now where did you lose this Gold Bodkin Oh Sister Sister Frail. My Bodkin Mrs Fore Nay 't is Yours look at it Frail. Well if you go to that where did you find this Bodkin Oh Sister Sister Sister every way Mrs Fore O Devil on 't that I cou'd not discover her without betraying my self Aside Frail. I have heard Gentlemen say Sister that one should take great care when one makes a thrust in Fencing not to lie open ones self Mrs Fore It 's very true Sister Well since all 's out and as you say since we are both Wounded let us do that is often done in Duels take care of one another and grow better Friends than before Frail. With all my heart ours are but slight Flesh-wounds and if we keep 'em from Air not at all dangerous Well give me Your Hand in token of sisterly secresie and affection Mrs Fore Here 't is with all my heart Frail. Well as an earnest of Friendship and Confidence I 'll acquaint You with a design that I have To tell Truth and speak openly one to another I 'm afraid the World have observ'd us more than we have observ'd one another You have a Rich Husband and are provided for I am at a loss and have no great Stock either of Fortune or Reputation and therefore must look sharply about me Sir Sampson has a Son that is expected to Night and by the Account I have heard of his Education can be no Conjurer The Estate You know is to be made over to him Now if I cou'd wheedle him Sister ha You understand me Mrs. Fore I do and will help you to the utmost of my power And I can tell you one thing that falls out luckily enough my awkard Daughter-in-Law who you know is design'd for his Wife is grown fond of Mr. Tattle now if we can improve that and make her have an Aversion for the Booby it may go a great way towards his liking of you Here they come together and let us contrive some way or other to leave 'em together Enter Tattle and Miss Pru. Miss Pru. Mother Mother Mother look you here Mrs. Fore Fie fie Miss how you bawl besides I have told you you must not call me Mother Miss Pru. What must I call you then are not you my Father's Wife Mrs. Fore Madam you must say Madam By my Soul I shall fancy my self Old indeed to have this great Girl call me Mother Well but Miss what are you so overjoy'd at Miss Pru. Look you here Madam then what Mr. Tattle has giv'n me Look you here Cousin here 's a Snuff-box nay there 's Snuff in 't here will you have any Oh good how sweet it is Mr. Tattle is all over sweet his Perruke is sweet and his Gloves are sweet and his Handkerchief is sweet pure sweet sweeter than Roses Smell him Mother Madam I mean He gave me this Ring for a kiss Taff. O fie Miss you must not kiss and tell Miss Pru. Yes I may tell my Mother And he says he 'll give me something to make me smell so Oh pray lend me