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A27945 The Batchellors banquet, or, A banquet for batchellors wherein is prepared sundry dainty dishes to furnish their tables curiously drest and seriously served in : [p]leasantly discoursing the variable humours of women, their quickness of wits and unsearchable deceits. 1677 (1677) Wing B259; ESTC R25901 61,402 71

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help of some other friend yet he perswades himself it is a work of his own framing and this breeds him new cares and troubles for then must he trot up and down day and night far and near to get with great cost that his wife longs for if she let fall but a pin he is diligent to take it up lest she by stooping should hurt her self She on the other side is so hard to please that it is a great hap when he fits her humour in bringing home that which likes her though he spare no pains nor cost to get it And oft times through ease and plenty she grows so queasie stomacht that she can brook no common meats but long for strange and rare things which whether they be to be had or no yet she must have them there is no remedy She must have Cherries though for a pound he pay ten shillings or green Pescods at four nobles a peck yea he must take a horse and ride into the Countrey to get her green Codlings when they are scarce so big as a scotch button In this trouble and vexation of mind and body lives the silly man for six or seven moneths all which time his wife doth nothing but complain and he poor soul takes all the care rising early going late to bed and to be short is fain to play both the husband and the huswife But when the time draws near of her lying down then must he trudge to get Gossips such as she will appoint or else all the fat 's in the fire Consider then what cost and trouble it will be to him to have all things fine against the Christning day what store of Sugar Biskets Comphets and Caraways Marmalet and Marchpane with all kind of sweet suckets and superfluous banquetting stuff with a hundred other odd and needless trifles which at that time must fill the pockets of dainty dames Besides the charge of the Midwife she must have her nurse to attend and keep her who must make for her warm broths and costly cawdels enough both for her self and her mistress being of the mind to fare no worse than she If her mistress be fed with partridge plover woodcocks quails or any such like the nurse must be partner with her in all these dainties neither yet will that suffice but during the whole month she privily pilfers away the sugar the nutmegs and ginger with all other spices that comes under her keeping putting the poor man to such expence that in a whole year he can scarcely recover that one moneths charges Then every day after her lying down will sundry dames visit her which are her neighbors her kinswomen and other her special acquaintance whom the good man must welcome with all cheerfulness and be sure there be some dainties in store to set before them where they about some three or four hours or possibly half a day will sit chatting with the Childwife And by that time the cups of wine have merrily trold about and half a dozen times moistned their lips with the sweet juyce of the purple grape They begin thus one with another to discourse Good Lord neighbor I marvel how our Gossip Frees doth I have no seen the good soul this many a day Oh God help her quoth another for she hath her hands full of work and her heart full of heaviness While she drudges all the week at home her husband like an unthrift never leaves running abroad to the Tennis court and dicing houses spending all that ever he hath in such lewd sort yea and if that were the worst it is well but hear you Gossip there is another matter spoils all he cares no more for his wife than for a dog but keeps queanes even under her nose Iesu faith another who would think he were such a man he behaves himself to orderly and civilly to all mens sights Tush hold your peace Gossip saith the other it is commonly seen the still sow eats up all the draff he carries a sooth countenance but a corrupt conscience That I know F. well enough I will not say he loves mistress G. go too Gossip I drink to you Yea and saith another there goes foul lies if G. himself loves not his maid N. I can tell you their mouths will not be stopt with a bushel of wheat that speak it Then the third fetching a great sigh saying by my troth such another bold Bettress have I at home for never give me credit Gossip if I took her not the other day in close conference with her Master but I think I beswadld my maid in such sort that she will have small lift to do so again Nay Gossip saith another had it been to mee that should not have served her turn but I would have turned the quean out of doors to pick a Sallet for wot you what Gossip It is ill setting fire and flax together but I pray you tell me one thing when saw you our friend Mistress C. Now in good sooth she is a kind creature and a very gentle Peat I promise you I saw her not since you and I drank a pint of Wine with her in the fish market O Gossip saith another there is a great change since that time for they have been fain to pawn all that ever they have and yet God knows her husband lies in prison O the passion of my heart saith another is all their great and glorious shew come to nothing good Lord what a world is this Why Gossip saith another it was never like to be otherwise for they loved ever to go fine and fair daintily and by my faith Gossip this is not a world for those matters and thereupon I drink to you This is commonly their communication where they find chear according to their choyce But if it happen contrary that they find not things in such plenty and good order as they would wish then one or other of them will talk to this effect Trust me gossip I marvell much and so do all our other friends that your Husband is not ashamed to make so small account of you and this your sweet child if he be such a niggard at the first what will he be by that time he hath five or six it doth well appear he bears but little love to you whereas your vouchsafing to match with him hath done him more credit than ever had any of his kindred Before God saith another I had rather see my husbands eyes our then he should serve me so therefore if you be wise use him not to it neither in this sort let him tread you under foot I tell you it is a foul shame for him and you may be well assured sith he begins thus that hereafter he will use you in the same order if not worse In good sooth saith the third it seems very strange to me that a wise woman and one of such parentage as you are who as all men konws is by blood far his
kindly bidden I know the young Bride would take it in very ill part Yea and I may say to you so would our neighbors and other our friends which will be there who would verily imagine we keep away for some other cause and were it not for this I protest I would not stir out of doors neither would my Cousin your wife have any desire to go thither thus much I can truly witness that I never knew any woman take less delight in such things than your wife or which being abroad will make more haste to be at home again The silly man her Husband being vanquished by these words and no longer able to deny their request demands only what other women do appoint to go and who shall man them Marry Sir saith she that shall my Cousin H. And besides your wife and I there goes my Kinswoman T. and her Mother Mistress H. and her Aunt my Vncle T. his Brother to be met with both their wives Mistress C. my next neighbour and to conclude all the women of account in this street I dare boldly say that honester Company there cannot be though it were to convey a Kings Daughter Now it oft chanced that this smooth tongued Oratrix who pleads thus queintly with womans art must have for her pains a Gown cloth a Iewel or some other recompence if she prevail with the good man and cunningly play her part He after some pause perhaps will reply in this sort Gossip I confess it is very good company but my wife hath now great business at home and besides she useth to go very much abroad yet for this time I am content she shall go But I pray you Dame quoth he be at home betimes His wife seeing that her gossip had gotten leave makes as if she cares not for going forth saying By my faith man I have something else to do than to go a Bridal at this present what we have a great houshold and rude servants God wot whose idleness is such that they will not do any thing if a bodies back be turn'd for it is an old Proverb When the Cat is away the Mouse will play And therefore Gossip hold you content we must not be altogether careless nor set so much by our pleasure to neglect our profit And therefore hold me excused for I cannot now be spared nor I will not go that is flat Nay good gossip saith the other seeing your husband hath given you leave let us have your company this once and if it be but for my sake such a chance as this comes not every day With that the good man taking the old Gyb aside whispers her thus in the ear were it not Gossip for the confidence I repose in you I protest she should not stir out of doors at this time Now as I am an honest woman quoth she and of my credit Gossip you shall not need to doubt any thing Thus to horse they get and away they spur with a merry gallop laughing to themselves mocking and flouting the silly man for his simplicity the one saying to the other that he had a shrewd iealous brain but it should avail him nothing Tush said the young woman it is an old saying He had need have a long spoon that will eat with the devil and she of a good wit that would prevent the fury of a jealous fool and with this and the like ralk they passe the time till they come to the place appointed where they meet with lusty Gallants who peradventure had at the former feast made the match and were come thither of purpose to strike up the bargain But howsoever it is this lusty Lasse lacks no good cheer nor any kindness which they can shew her Imagine now how forward she will be to shew her best skill in dancing and singing and how lightly she will afterward esteem her husband being thus courted and commended by a crew of lusty Gallants who seeing her so bravely attired and graced with so sweet and smooth a tongue so sharp a wit so amiable a countenance will each strive to exceed other in serving loving and pleasing her for the gallant carriage and wanton demeanour of so beautifull a piece cannot chuse but incourage a meer coward and heat if not inflame a frozen heart One assayes her with sugred tearms and some pleasant discourse painting forth his affection with Lovers eloquence Another gives her a privie token by straining her soft hand or treading upon her pretty foot Another eyes her with a piercing and pitiful look making his countenance his fancies Herauld and perhaps the third which is most likely to speed bestows upon her a gold Ring a Diamond a Ruby or some such like costly toy By all which aforesaid tokens she may well conceive their meanings if she have any conceit at all and sometimes it so falls out that they fall in where they should not and she stepping somewhat aside doth so shrewdly strain her honesty that hardly or never the grief can be cured But to proceed this over-gorgeous wantonning of his wife drings the poor man behind hand and doth withall cause a greater inconvenience for in the end by one means or other either through her too much boldness or her Lovers-want of wariness the matter at length comes to light whereof some friend or kinsman gives him notice He being tickled by this bad report thereupon searching further finds it true or gathers more likelihood of suspition that presently infects his thoughts with jealousie into which mad tormenting humour no wise man will ever fall for it is an evil both extreme and endless especially if it be justly conceived upon the wives known leadness for then there is no hope of curing She on the other side seeing this and receiving for her loose life many bitter speeches doth closely keep on her old course but now more for spight than pleasure for it is in vain to think that she will reclaim her self And if he hoping by constraint to make her honest fall to beating her though he use never so much severity he shall but kindle so much more the fire of that lewd love which she bears unto others Hereon follows a heap of mischiefs he grows careless of his business letting all things run to ruine she on the other side becomes shameless converting into deadly hate the love that she should bear him Iudge now what a purgatory of perplexities the poor man doth live in and yet for all this he is so besotted that he seems to take great pleasure in his pains and to be so far in love with Lobs pound that were he not already in yet he would make all haste possible to be possessed of the place there to consume the residue of his life and miserably end his days CHAP. III. The humour of a woman lying in Child bed THere is another humour incident to a woman when her husband sees her belly to grow big though peradventure by the