a book which the Lord at that time opened my heart to ask for which was Drex d. Eternit and truly upon the perusal of that Treatise I think nay I am sure the burden of my sins seemed to be renewed and I cannot express that unspeakable sorrow which I then had in my poor soul by reason of all its mighty sins and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cause of my trouble to think that I should have none to offend and kick against but those bowels yea those tender bowels of pitty and compassion which had so long yearned over my poor soul and had so long shielded off the stroak of Justice which was so long hanging over my provoking head and then oh then I did unspeakably desire the pardon of my sins and then did feel the burden of them so unsupportable that I did earnestly beg of the Lord that they might be laid upon the Lord Jesus who was able to bear them and did endeavour by earnest Prayers to obtain a smile from God in and through Jesus Christ for out of Christ he was a terrible God and a consuming fire and so I forthwith resolved to take up with all outward duties as Prayer Reading Hearing Conferring with good Christians and I cannot but let you know that the first Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15 where it is said that Christ came into the world to save sinners of whom I not Paul only but I even I am chief and so I went on through fear and trembling and not without some joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me would finish it in his good time which God grant for Christ his sake Min. And is this which you have spoken from your own experience is it indeed as I hope it is then I can no longer for bear but say with good Zacharias Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who hath visited and redeemed his people and amongst them thy poor soul and now I say again take heed of spiritual pride think very lowly of thy self and give glory to God And now Dear Heart give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of some things which thou hast touched upon in the last Discourse that so I may be assured that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart by the Spirit of God and not of thine own seting And for the accomplishing of which weighty work it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath since born for the tree may be known by its fruit Therefore in brief what hast thou found in thy heart concerning sin Conv. Sin Truly I am not able now to express that unspeakable bitterness I then found in it oh how did I hate it and pursue it with the greatest zeal and detestation possible oh how did my heart rise at the very appearance of it and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me I think I hated it more than death it self and should have chosen death rather than wilfully committed the least known sin and if there had been no hell yet as I have often said sin should have been my hell and holiness my Heaven Min. I am glad to hear what thou hast said but what sins were they thou so hatedst it may be they were great and dreadful fins as Blasphemy and Murder c. but what didst thou think of heart sins and evil motions which I am sure would much beset thee Conv. Oh of I knew my own heart these were the greatest enemies that I had to encounter these were they that like unto so many Goliahs bid defiance to what Christ had wrought in my poor soul and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in and oh Blessed be Free Grace and let all that hear of this stand and admire and give glory to God Min. The Lord preserve this blessed enmity still more and more in thy heart and now tell me which way thou wentest about to engage against and so to overcome these great Goliahs though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes Conv. Oh now now you come very neer me and this even pierces between the bone and marrow and the Lord who is the searcher of hearts and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every soul give me understanding in this point that I may say nothing but what I really found in my own soul Oh then I did presume too much upon my own strength and did not lay them at the feet of Christ whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King and did not as I fear wholly depend upon his Kingly power which is to overcome and subdue all those enemies which rise up in the hearts of his Children and make war against him and would not that he should rule over them for surely had I thus done he would not have suffered them so often to assault me and even sometimes overcome me as I shall God willing make clear to you by and by Min. Still I have great cause to admire the goodness of God to thy poor soul in that he hath been pleased now to open thy eyes to see this thy great mistake which doubtless had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee it would have proved a sore evil and it may be thou mightest not have seen it before it had been too late and now tell me which way thou wentest about to destroy thy sins seeing thou wast ignorant in great measure in applying the death of Christ to kill them Conv. The chiefest instruments that I used in this work was Prayer and sometimes Fasting which I found very powerfull to batter down the strong holds of Satan in my poor soul for which doubtless I was not to be blamed if so be that I had used them only as a means to have raised up my heart to Christ and so as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourse to him who alone is able for so great a work but woe to my ignorant and proud heart that would not totally submit to God but idolized Prayer and Repentance and Fasting as if these had been the Captains of the souls Salvation whereas they are but empty in themselves and nothing worth no more than as they lead me to Christ who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation Min. And now I think it will not be amiss to let me hear how you carryed your self in the great duty of Prayer and how soon you entred upon the duty Conv. The Lord was pleased within two or three dayes after my first trouble to incline my heart to seek him by Prayer which I used constantly twice a day besides some private ejaculations and sighes between whiles and I will now tell
witness to a lye Will goodness it self put a cheat upon poor Creatures and that in a matter of such vast consequence as Eternity Can we conceive that he which commands us not to deceive our Neighbour should deceive us Shall any that calls himself a Christian entertain such blasphemous apprehensions of the blessed Jehovah Well then if it be so that Children of God love solid and unexpressible joys many times even on this side Glory Doth not this then prove that hereatter they shall be happy and that beyond the apprehensions of Men and Tongue of Angels For the Saint in his greatest dimensions fullest enjoyments and tallest stature on this side the Grace is but a Childe a Dwarf a Worm in comparison of what he will be the next moment after his dissolution For the proof of this you may read over these and other Scriptures Psal 16.11 Psal 42.5 Luk. 16.22 2 Cor. 4.7 Revel 13.14 3. May I not bring in the wicked themselves as witnesses of the Saints happiness and their own misery the Saints wisdom and their folly what else is the meaning of Balaam's wish Why should he be so desirous to dye the death of the Saint and to have his latter end like his if he were not thorowly convinced of this that holiness were no madness piety no fancy and religion no delusion What is it that makes those in Mat. 26.8 to cry out so importunately Give us of your Oyl for our Lamps are gone out I am perswaded that all the Reprobates in Hell will one Day justifie the Children of God for their seriousness and wish a thousand times that they had had their scornes losses torments It is no unusual thing for them which have to do with dying Persons to hear them crying out with anguish when their time is spent and their sands are run out O you are happy O that I were but in the condition of the poorest and miserablest Saint upon Earth O that I had but prayed with fervency heard with seriousness and minded my Soul in good earnest Happy are they that have not all their work to do in a dying Hour O happy are they that have some Cordial to comfort them in a time of such distress O a Christ a Christ ten thousand Worlds now for that Christ which I despised These are things we are acquainted with Well then our Enemies themselves being Judges an Israelite indeed is a Person of true worth and without controversie his estate is and shall be comfortable blessed and glorious 4. How great are the absurdities that else would follow Would not the Devil boast that he hath done more for his followers than Christ hath done for his Would it not follow that Saints are the most miserable fools in the World then it would be to no purpose to deny ones self to fight with Beasts at Ephesus to bear the contradiction of sinners then Christ dyed for nothing or hath done his work by the halves then there is no credit to be given to the Bible God is worse than his word and the Scripture promises are false then Paul's confidence was madness and his boasting made void then all preaching is a cheat and the Ministers of Christ are Impostorâ— and the wicked are in the right then David would have better reason to say he hath cleansed his hands in vain and that his frequent devotions were to no purpose and his Songs at Mid-night but the dotages of an extravagant fansie and hours which were spent in Prayer and Meditation were purely lost What saist thou to this O Christian Would not this be sad news indeed if all thy hope should come to this But be of good cheer this is the doctrine which the Devil and his Ministers do preach as long as God is true you shall not be deceived as long as he is happy you shall not be miserable and till Hell hath got above Heaven you are well enough Go on therefore resolutely and let nothing daunt thee 't is but yet a little while and you shall see all this and more than this a thousand times made good to thee Fear not 't is God who hath spoken it and he commanded his Servant John to write and Jeave it upon Record That they which dye in the Lord are blessed and they shall rest from their labours and their works do follow them 3. The next thing which I promised to speak to was to shew wherein the blessedness of departed Saints doth consist But what work am I now about Who is sufficient for these things What Tongue can utter the least part of that Glory What Heart imagine its transcendent excellency And what Ears can bear it should such a one as Moses Enoch or Elias come sparkling in his Robes in the habit of a glorified Saint and should he but tell you what a sight he hath seen what melody he hears what imployment he is ingaged in what possessions he enjoys where would he endure it I am perswaded if in this mortal state God should let in the Soul the hundreth thousandth part of that Glory which Saints enjoy in Heaven it would in a moment sink a Man and make such Bodies as ours now are wither to dust I have seen a great many fine things in my time I have heard of more but I can easily imagine more than ever all the Princes of the Earth in their greatest splendour enjoyed and yet here I am at a loss and no wonder For it is beyond the reach of Saints and Angels in Heaven fully to conceive what their own happiness is and I believe it is no small part of their joy that they serve a Master who loveth to out-doe not only deserts and expectations but even the imaginations of his Creatures How then can such a poor Worm as I am mannage such a work as this is because I can't say all must I say nothing and pass this over with silence and admiration because this is a great deep which our Plummet can't fathom an Ocean that hath no shoar shall we therefore never sail in it God forbid O may it be my work in time and to Eternity to praise that infinite boundless excellency that is in my God Though these are matters which one would think should command attention and affection both yet if we consult the lives of all yea the highest experiences of the best notwithstanding these things are so frequently inculcated and so passionately recommended to our consideration yet where is the Man or Woman to be found that lies under the lively impressions of these things And therefore I shall think it not impertinent if I dwell upon that an Hour which will be the subject of your Meditation and Foundation of your comfort if ever you understand what Christianity in the life of it means This only by the by a little to quicken your attention I come now to my business to shew you wherein the Saints happiness after death consists 1. It consists in a
and Worship that and should do what I did more to advantage self than Christ Oh I say again what a wonder it is that ever he was pleased to let me see my folly and oh if he should not have done it yet in this particular how inexcusable had I been which will appear in the next Answer Min. Now let me know when and in what manner the Lord was pleased to magnifie his grace in convincing you of the insufficiency of your own Righteousness and of the resting in duties Conv. I will likewise make this as plain to you as the Lord shall enable me so that I may not be found guilty of a spiritual lye and to the best of my remembrance about four months after my powerful call when as I thought I was assuredly in a most happy condition having passed through abundant of tryals and temptations and I began to find them somewhat to flee before me of which you shall hear anon more at large then oh then the Lord was pleased to put into my hand a little Book Entituled The Christians great Interest by Mr. Guthry which when I perused I found I was much concerned in it and was somewhat troubled but it so violently accused me of my Dalilah righteousness which I loving too well to see as I thought abused with a small sigh or the like I commanded it to depart and not to dare to come and controule my idol self any more yet it made my way so plain before me that I could not withstand it a little while after the Lord was pleased to put into my hand another Book for which I have abundant cause to bless God which was the Sincere Convert and reading the latter part of that which treats concerning carnal Confidence and resting in Duties all which did very much concern me I was very much troubled and began to question my estate a little concerning duties but truly I took so little delight in this that I soon laid it by and returned it to the place from whence it came and likewise I had other Books as Mr. Baxters Self-denyal which I read part of with much delight as in reference in denying self-pleasures and sinful recreations and vain company c. all these yielded comfort to me because I found that I did really desire to deny my self all these and made it a great ground of comfort to me that I could so earnestly desire their destructions but when I came to the denyal of self-righteousness this was a hard saying and self would not bear it but away I went to those Books where I could find out as I thought a way to Heaven by my own working and those that treated most of a holy life was the most pleasing to me but when I read concerning Christ or heard him taught to me by his Ministers for although I have omitted how my heart was in hearing yet I would desire you to include that and to suppose that my heart was in that as in Reading or Conferring with respect to the subject I say when I heard Christ taught by his Ministers either in a Pulpit or a Book I much delighted in that I heard or read but when Justification alone by Faith in Christs Merits and living by faith upon a naked Christ as peradventure I might be put too upon a sick bed by reason of a violent disease or the like that I could not have strength of body nor composure of mind to perform duties as in a Feaver or a fit of the Stone or Gout c. I say when these noble and Heaven-born Mysteries were treating on I was much to seek and could take but little comfort from them and so I went on from duty to duty and if at any time I found my heart dead and could for that day or week or month it may be find any comfort from them then I lived in hopes that although I found not all well at present yet it would not long continue so with me and so in some time I recovered life and comfort again I say I continued thus for the space of above three years And now I will declare one thing which did more trouble me than ordinary and that was in August last 67. it happened that as I was visiting a patient and for this thing in particular I have cause to bless God that he placed me in this my calling whom we supposed the Lord would take away at that very time there came Dr. B. to perform as was thought onâ— of the last duties he had to do 〈◊〉 and amongst his discourse and adâ—â—◠〈◊〉 bade her be sure to lay all her sins upon Christ which I liked very well but withall that she should lay all her own Righteousness at his feet and not at all â—o trust to any good she had in her seâ—f but wholly to rely upon the merits of Christ which when I heard my heart rose much against what he said and did much oppose his advice and thought it not at all convenient to be spoken and doubtless had I been in her condition I mean so near death as it was thought she was and he had advised me to the same thing and had cleared it to me oh what a dreadful visitation had that been surely it would have put my soul into such a dreadful Agony of confusion if not despair that surely I should have dyed a second death before I knew the pangs of the first But oh I say again who can hear of this and not be overcome with soul ravishing admirations of the love and goodness and patience of God towards such a wretched nothing as I was that ever he should so long forbear from destroying that soul with eternal damnation that would not with the cords of love be drawn to accept of so clear Salvation but the Lord was plâ—ased still to keep this upon my heart And although I was somewhat troubled but as before again I went to my old Physitians and took a small pill of Prayer composed of a little fear and humiliation but no sooner it got into my heart but there it was guilt with pride and so again became pleasant to me and then I thought all was well and I do desire earnestly that by this God may be much glorified and again methinks I find my heart so mightily inclined to go on in this work which at your request you may remember I was so unwilling to undertake that 〈◊〉 have great hopes there may be the hand of God in it and that it was he that put it into your heart to request if of me and I pray God it may be his glory alone that may move me to it and not any self-pride truly you may say I have great cause to fear and not to trust my own heart any more and the Lord preserve this Jealousie more and more in me but to my present purpose and this which I am about to say might have proved a great disadvantage to me