and turn to dust then after Death there is no Repentance this is the Opportunity of Life the Day of Grace and Salvation which if neglected I can never have another it is therefore of everlasting Concernment to improve the present Opportunity because it is appointed for all Men and Women once to dye and then to Judgment and as Death leaves Judgment will find as the Tree falls so it lies there is neither Desire nor Invention in the Grave where I am going O Lord thou hast been very merciful to preserve me in the Calamities of Fire and hast wonderfully Protected and Provided for me ever since and thou hast been merciful to me indeed to preserve me against my own Will. I am a Living Monument of thy Mercies a Brand snatcht out of the Burning Flame thou hast given me my Life for a Prey and I have not lived to thy Praise but like a Vile Wretched Vuworthy and most Vngrateful Creature I have sinned against thee both in Thought Word and Deed. The Sins of my Thoughts have been more than I can think those of my Words more than I am able to express and the Sins of my Deeds have been innumerable my Life hath been an Act of open Rebellion against thee I am guilty of Sins by Omission Commission Ignorance and Wilful Disobedience Having left undone those Things which I ought to have done and committed those Things whith I ought not to have done I have sinned against Heaven Thee my Relations and against the Motions of thy Blessed Spirit having made a Shew of Godliness I have denyed the Power of it and have called upon the Name of Christ but have not departed from Iniquity I have given evil example unto others by living conâ—rary to what I have Professed and have quenched and grieved the Mations of thy Holy Spirit which should have sealed me up unto the day of Redemption I have Committed all Impieties with Greediness and have aggravated my Transgressions with hanious Circumstances for I have sinned not only against the Law but against the Gospel not only Ignorantly but Wilfully and very presumptiously against the Checks of my Conscience and the Light of Nature insomuch that my own Heart doth condemn me and thou art greater knowing all Things I have abused thy Mercies despised thy Judgments and turned thy very Graces into Wantonness insomuch that my Iniquities are gone over my Head and my Sins have covered me I have nothing to plead for my self but Guilty Guilty Guilty of the Breach of all thy most Holy and Righteous Laws I have forfited my Right to all that is Good have made my self liable to all Evils both Temporal Spiritual and Eternal it is even a Miracle of Mercy that I had not long ago been taken off in my Sin and for my Sins and have been made so Hellfull as I have been sinful and have had my Portion given me with Hyppocrites Vnbelievers and those that loveth and maketh a Lye in that Lake which burns with Fire and Brimstone there to be tormented with Devils and Damned Spirits for evermore that instead of praying unto thee and calling on thy Nâ—â—e in Mercy I am not howling amongst the Damn'd in an irrecoverable State that thy Patience is not ended toward me and the Dâ—or of Grace shut everlastingly against me thou mightest justly long ago have said unto me I would have healed thee and thou wouldst not I would have Saved thy Soul but thou hast despised my Salvation I would have made thee happy and thou hast refused therefore thou that art filthy be filthy stâ—ll there remains no more Sacrifice for Sin but a fearful looking for of Judgment Fiery Indignation and the Fierce Anger of the Lord the Most Mighty God therefore go thou Cursed into Everlasting Fire prepared for the Devils and their Angels It had been but just with thee O Lord thus to have dealt by me and thou mightest have Glorified thy Justice in my Just Condemnation and Eternal Damnation but there is Mercy with thee that thou mayst be feared and thy tender Mercies are over all thy Works and Mercy pleaseth thee it is because thy Compassions fail not that I am not consumed O what shall I say unto thee thou Preserver of Men Whether shall I go or to whom shall I fly 'T is thou alone that hast the words of eternal Life and there is nâ— Name under Heaven by whom I can be Saved but by the Name of Jesus Christ and 't is against thee O Father thee O Holy Jesus thee O Holy Blessed Spirit that I have sin'd against the Holy and Blessed Trinity in Vnity and Vnity in Trinity Jesus Christ was wounded for my Transgressions that by his Stripes I 〈◊〉 be healed and I have wounded him afresh by my Sins Tâ—e Chast sement of my Peace hath been upon his Shoulders and he that knew no Sin was made a Curse unto Sin for me that I might be made the Righteonsness of God in him He was pierced thorow with many Sorrows and his precious Side was pierced with a Sphear and his most precious Blood was spilt that my Soul might be Eternally Saved and I have pierced him again by my Sins Jesus was Crucified and dyed the bitter and Cursed Death of the Cross that I might be Blessed and Everlastingly Saved and I have Crucified the Lord of Life afresh have put him to open shame O help me to look upon him whom I have pierced and mourn over him that I may be in bitterness of Spirit and gâ—ieve because I cannot grieve enough for my Sins and because I have grieved the Motions of thy Holy Spirit Oh work in me a hatred of all sin which is the cause of all Evil and help me to avoid the very Appearance of it O Lord thou hast given some Encouragement for poor penitent Sinners to come unto thee and graciously invited them saying Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy Laden and I will give you Rest seek and ye shall find knock and it shall be opened unto you call upon me in the Day of Trouble and I will hear thee and deliver thee and thou shalt glorifie me Oh Lord I come I seek I call I cry beseeching thee for Jesus Christ his sake to let me find rest unto my Soul Open unto me the Gates of Salvation and be ye opened ye Everlasting Gates that the King of Glory may come in and deliver me from the Intollerable Burthen of my Sins Help me to Glorifie thee here that I may be Glorified with thee to all Eternity Lord thou hast promised that Thou wilt not break the Bruised Reed nor quench the smoaking Flax nor despise the day of small Things but hast mercifully stiled thy self to be a God hearing Prayers and none of the Sons of Jacob ever sought thy Face in vain And thou hast graciously declared thy self to be the Lord Merciful Gratious of Patience and great Goodness who pardoneth Iniquity Transgressions and
Sin and was he again so loving that when he saw them humbled his Affections were inflamed and compelled him to reveal himself unto them And thinkest thou that I am less wise and loving in dealing with mine I gave at first sharp Answers to the Petitions of that Woman of Canaan and so will I sometimes seem to deal roughly with those whom I love and to be angry even with their Prayers but in the end I will make my Love manifest to them and with my endless Mercies embrace them The Soul Suffer me once again Lord to speak that thou mayst answer me and I shall complain no more If we saw that such were our Dispositions as thy most Holy Word doth require in us then should thy Comforts rejoyce us But alas How far am I from that which I should be my strength is infeebled therefore do my inordinate Affections oftentimes overcharge me If I turn me to pray I cannot for the hardness of my heart the contrite Spirit the melting heart and mourning Eye are gone from me If I seek Comfort in thy Word I find it not I am troubled also with doubtings Armies of Fears and Terrours are against me and all through the weakness of my Faith and partly for want of that Light which should inform me my Infidelity abateth me to think that thy Visitations came from thine anger and causeth me to answer the Errours of my Conscience as if they were just Accusations and partly for want of that apprehending and applying Vertue that is in Faith I am spoiled of my Comfort that thy Word hath offered unto me Therefore O Lord have pitty on the desolate State of my poor Soul The Lord Let not my Beloved the consideration of thy Wants Defects and Imperfections discourage thee remember that the measure of my Grace which I have given to my Saints upon Earth I have called it an Earnest-Penny and First Fruits of the Spirit to tell them that what ever Grace they have gotten it is nothing in comparison of that which they will get seek not that therefore in Earth which I have resolved no ways to give it thee till thou dost come to Heaven Thy Blessedness in this Life stands not in a saciety and full injoying of that which thou wouldst have in a hungring and thirsting for it If I had pronounced them happy and blessed that are now satisfied with righteousness then thy wants might have most justly discouraged thee but I called them blessed that hunger If thou therefore dost follow after Sanctification and art weary of the servitude of thy sins if thou shouldst seek comfort in my Word and couldst sind none of these at the first as thou wouldst yet remember that I have promised to fulfil the Desires of those that fear me if it doth grieve thee that thou canst not pray at all times alike remember that my Children are often times ill Judges of themselves and that their Estate is not always to be measured by their feeling for many Prayers may be made by them to me by my Spirit with sighs and sobs that they themselves are not able to express yet are known to me and are like loud crying Voices which I cannot but answer The Soul Oh my Soul content thee with the Lords Dispensations and doubt not but all thy Wants and Desires that are holy shall once be satisfied remember how careful thy Saviour was of the People that followed him I have compassion saith he on these People because they have nothing to eat they have continued with me already three days I will not let them depart fasting least they faint by the way O most sweet and comfortable Speeches they seek not from him and he is careful to give them If he was so careful to satisfie their bodily Necessities will be neglect the Spiritual Necessities of his own chosen Ones they followed him three days and he counted it a long time they are to go from Him and he feareth lest they should faint Oh my distrustful Soul wilt thou once learn to trust in the Mercies of thy God assuredly Will not he satiate thee who seeks Him Will not he answer thee who cryes unto Him Will he not care for thee who hast waited upon Him not only three days but many Years And will he let thee faint in following of Him who would not let them faint in going from Him O sweet Savour happy are those that trust in thee Lord therefore inerease my Faith in thee that nothing may ever be able to sunder me from thee The Lord As for the weakness of thy Faith which I see is the ground of all thy trouble it proceedeth either from the want of knowledge or else from the want of Application It is indeed a special benefit to have the Mind enlightned with true Light seek therefore my Light to shine into thee by continual Prayer and scarching the Scriptures that thou be not troubled with the Errour of Conscience as if it were a just Accusation I have set Conscience indeed to be a Warner unto thee but then shalt thou take heed to her Warnings when they are warranted by my Word if the errour of Conscience terrifie thee in any thing and make thee think that thy Crosses and Visitations do come from mine anger go and inform Conscience better by my Word remember Whom I chastise I love And when I chastise thee I am not seeking satisfaction to my Justice what marvel such Thoughts disquiet many Consider I pray thee that notable Promise of mine made to my Servant David and in him to all the rest of my Saints If they break my Statutes I will visit their Transgressions with Rods yet my Loving Kindness will I not take from them neither alter my Covenant for ever The Soul Oh Word full of Comfort my Soul forget it never that when his Rods are laid upon thee yet his Loving Kindness is not taken from thee and though thy Transgressions be many yet will he not alter his Covenant with thee remember it I say that it thy trouble thou give no more place to the Misconceptions of Gods Workings with thee as Godly Job thought in his trouble that the Lord was pursuing him for his Sins and made him possess the Iniquities of his Youth which as yet appears by the Course of that History was not the Lords Intention So have I thought many times that the heavy Hand of the Lord laid on me had proceeded from his Wrath as if he had shut up his Mercy in displeasure for ever but Lord let thy Mercy and Light abide with me that I sin no more with such distrustful Motions against thee and now Lord speak on further to thy Servant for thy Comforts have refreshed me and rejoyeed my Soul The Lord As for the weakness of thy Faith which I see is the ground of all thy trouble it proceedeth either from the want of Knowledge or else from the want of Application It is indeed a special benefit to
a Request to make that is considerable to an Earthly King must not approach without a Present in his Hand but my great Request is to the King of Kings to whose Laws I have been disobedient false to his Government refractory to his Summons and ungrateful to his former Favours and what can I offer him that needs nothing and what can I give him whose both my self and all that I have are His Favour inheed is so sweet so desirable and so universal a Comprehension of all happiness that I could freely give all I have or may procure for the Purchase of it But the whole World is Vanity to him neither can such Triffles blind his Eyes or bind his Hands buy his Mercy to the Unworthy or avert his Judgments from the Sinner I would methinks expose my Body to the sharpest Torments my Soul to the heaviest Sorrows and my Life to the cruellest of Tyrants and would account it a happy purchase if I were sure of his Everlasting Mercies afterwards But it cost more to redeem a Soul I can give nothing but what is his already and I can suffer nothing but what I have deserved What then O where shall I have a Peace-Offering which may not be despised I am told that there is nothing more acceptable than a Broken Heart 'T is strange Can a Heart polluted with the Guilt and inflamed with the Power of Sin slow to begin and unable to perform any thing that is good but vigorous to desire and unwearied to pursue all evil Can a Heart shaken with Fears torn to pieces with Terrours and even a Terrour to it self miserable and poor blind and naked can this Heart be a fit Sacrifice for so Glorious and All-seeing so Holy and Pure a God Can he like that whieh I abhor my self Alas it cannot be But let me recall that rash hasty word for he hath said it who best knows what will please himself and if he vallues it then it is worthy for the true worth of any thing is to be judged by his Esteemation of it who knows but such a broken Heart may be a greater Evidence of his Power and Mercy a fitter Instrument of his Praise and Glory a plainer Table to describe his Grace and draw his Image on than any other Such a Heart I have and if this will serve I am happy I will give it freely to thee O Lord who despisest not the meanest Gifts if there be sincerity in the Giver It was broken before with Fear but now it will be dissolved with Love I am ashamed it is no better but thy Mercy is the greater in accepting it and it will become better by being thine Oh how am I filled with Admiration on the Freeness and Fullness of thy Mercies in comparison of which the greatest humane Compassion is and seems to be Cruelty I dare proclaim it that in thee are all the Mercies in the World united and thou art Mercy it self in the highest Degree If my Disobedience and my Negligence Contempts and Ingratitudes could have seperated thee from thy Mercy I had now met thee in thy Fury taking Vengeance without Pitty for I have seemed to live as if I had designed to dare thee to turn thy self away from me and to try thy utmost Patience the least part of which business would have turned my best Friends in the World against me but behold the Mercies of my God continue still O let me have the shame of an ungrateful Sinner and let thy Name have the Glory of an inexpressable Pitty even to those who are almost ashamed to ask Pardon yea let me to whom thou hast shewed so much Compassion have the Honour to be an Instance of thy Goodness to all the World And have I such a Father Why then do I lye still with this Load of Guilt upon my Soul And with this heavy Burthen of Sorrow upon my Spirit What do I get by these Complaints but waste my Time and double my Misery by sad Reflections I can neither have Help from my self nor any Creature but my Father alone to whom Mercies are as proper as Miseries are to me and if I through Fear and Sorrow sit still here and starve I shew not so much Pitty to my self as he would have for me if he saw my distress Wherefore I will arise and go to him though I think that I shall scarce have the face to ask him more since I spent the last so ill I shall be ashamed to tell him how base I have been but as I was not ashamed when I did evil so I must have shame when I suffer the shame of its desert I will go bathed with Tears blushing for shame accusing my self and relying on the Bowels of a Father and will beg only so much Mercy as may banish despair and if I may have this will be content tho I be not entertained with assurance and certain Expectations for the least favourable Look is more than I have deserved yet behold upon the first sight of the returning Prodigal who came unsent for driven home by his own Miseries his tender Father runs to meet him takes the Words out of his Mouth and receives him with all the Demonstrations of his Love and the Carresses of his dear Affections and is my God less merciful he who hath invited me so often and promised me so largely I have done ill to stay so long but I will go now low in my Desires and high in my Expectations sorrowing for mine Offences and begging his Mercies and I hope though I carry no merits of my own to his Justice yet I carry miseâ—y enough to make his Bowels of Compassion yearn upon me then I cannot perish Is it possible I should be all this while deluded so grosly as to imagine my Eyes to be opened my Ways direct and full of Light when indeed my Eyes are shut my feet are wrong and my Mind is overspred with Aegyptian Darkness of a stupid Ignorance Thy Word O Lord is a Light to my Feet and a Lanthorn to my Pathes not only to shew me which is the right way but to let me know when I am in the wrong But I have given my self to false Guides who least I should enquire after the right way would never acquaint me that I was wandring from it had I followed them still I had stumbled ere this on the threshold of Hell whil'st I expected to have arrived at the Gates of Heaven O blessed be thy Name I now see that I have been straying from the Fountain of all true Happiness and have been in vain seeking Content where it is not to be found till the Disappointment drives me to seek it where it is to be had if I had not been a Stanger to my own Heart I had not been so far out of the right way but I have supposed my self to be clear only because I never considered wherein I was guilty and have flattered my self with the