prayed thus O my creator thou seest how it is with mee Thy goodnesse is most wonderfull my wickednesse is most vncurable and vnsufferable O make a speedie end of my sin which way soeuer it pleaseth thee blessed for euermore be thy Name Amen The morrow I straggled not abroad but mine affections were very vnruly yea and that which is strange I could not frame my mind to take any deep conceit of the wickednesse of mine heart Thus it is when a mans heart is setled in the loue of any euill he is not able to thinke so of it as it is Friday the first of Iuly I dined with a guest a learned friend of mine who tooke occasion to speake somewhat sharpely against Precisians This I thought he did the rather because some informed him that I was too familiar with such people Therefore to satisfie both that minister all others whom it may concerne I most humbly craue the benefit of modest libertie to speake without offence what my poore soule in the sight of God thinketh touching this diuision It hath bin a meanes of great aduantage both to Poperie prophanenesse yea this wretchednes is caused by it Vpon either side diuerse haue nothing else to commend them but only this that they are of that side yea and the side is glad to make vse of them Is it not a lamentable case that some appeare to haue almost no conscience but against ceremonies others none but for ceremonies The Precisian doth in my conscience not without great cause crie out against ignorant idle and prophane ministers But where is the fault The coast had been well cleared by this time of the daie had not Satan caused church-gouernment to be both by way of sobernes and in the fashion of maddenes verie fiercely assailed But to what end to reforme the Church No to deforme it This is my beleefe concerning Church-gouernment Can any man truely say Such a lord Bishop doth not seeke his own worldly commoditie but the edifying of his Diocesse and the glory of Iesus Christ Doth it euidently appeare that his whole bent is in the diligent discharge of his office to approoue himselfe vnto God and vnto euery conscience of men in the sight of God Then will I conclude vpon my soules perill There is the Apostolicall Church-gouernement of Iesus Christ If any such there be who cannot in some good measure be truely so reported of the calamitie is great the iudgement very fearfull Yet because of personall faults to destroy a diuine ordinance and bring in confusion the calamitie would be greater the iudgement more fearefull Indeede Church-discipline is not reuerenced for want of holy seuerity The punishment of fornication and adulterie c. is little else but large fees A filthie gaine fie vpon it I would intreat leaue to speake once more Touching the ministerie besides what I haue by the way signified already I humbly pray great Schollers and all that seeke after riches and advancement in the Church to ponder these my words The Gospel of the Sonne of God must and will first throwe downe Pride and Couetousnes before it worke an vniuersall good in this kingdome Those two great sins cannot be vpheld any way but only by Popery for they must be accompanied with a superstitious conceit that pomp is religion which when all haue said what they can say the Gospel wil not endure So I haue done The same friday after that I had dined it came into my mind to goe into the towne as formerly I had done But I felt in mine heart no desire to goe Therefore comming into my chamber I beganne to wonder at my selfe what should aile me fearing least some secret deadlinesse had seazed vpon mine heart At last I brake out into these words Whatsoeuer is the cause blessed be the name of God O good Lord let whatsoeuer come vpon me so that my spirit may be setled in this disposition And I shall be bound to praise thee most ioyfully for euermore Amen That day I kept my selfe within and the morrow and the Sabbath day hauing gotten one to supply my place All the next weeke I continued so and the Sabbath following my place beeing supplied by one preacher in the forenoone and an other in the afternoone Wednesday the thirteenth of Iuly I still keeping within prayed thus O most holy and dreadfull Lord God with what face can so hainous a sinner as I am dare to speake vnto thy most glorious Maiestie or be so bold to aske any thing of thee Thy most wonderfull goodnesse emboldeneth me And yet still me thinkes I am past grace because sinne doth so abound in me O Lord my sinnes are as the sand of the sea vnnumberable therefore my soule must needs be thorougly and thoroughly stained for euery sinne so often as it is yeelded vnto worketh a black blemish into my soule Woe is me my soule is wholly ouerrun with a most foule filthy leprosie This is all my comfort that thy seruant saith Rom. 5.20 Where sinne abounded grace did much more abound The more deadly the disease the more soueraign the medicine the more excellēt the Physitian that cureth it O God thou art able to doe whatsoeuer powerfull work thou wilt yea thou canst do infinitly more then thou wilt But here is the greatest wonder that thou shouldest vouchsafe to worke a most admirable cure vpon him vnto whom thou mayest most iustly say Away from me thou most damnable sinner Away out of my light I will not pardon thee because thou hast most grieuously displeased and vnpardonably dishonoured me in breaking the lawes of my kingdome in refusing my proffered grace in taking vpon thee to be a preacher of my righteousnes and denying the power therof Yet blessed Lord so long as the Iudge doth not giue order that the condemned prisoner bee taken from the barre the poor wretch cries for his precious life saying Mercie good my Lord Iudge mercie for Iesus Christs sake The name Iesus with an earthly Christian Iudge cannot but be of great force must needs mooue him very much for it is the name of his deare Sauiour the onely name whereby he trusteth to be saued But of all and aboue all the name Iesus is most precious in thy sight beeing not superstitiously parrated but mournfully presented vnto thee Therefore though a thousand thousand seuerall inditements be found against me and though the lawes of thy kingdome do condemne me yet seeing that it is thy good pleasure to suffer me to stand in thy presence and not to bee taken out of this world I crie vnto thee saying Mercie Lord God almighty mercie for thine onely begotten Sonnes sake Iesus Christ God man crucified for the loue of him blessed Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Amen Towards euening I being punished with the hotte passage of my water painfulnesse about the left kidnie and burning of the right foote was much afraid of a deadly
S. Gregories authoritie in his dialogues lib. 4. cap. 39. and so make a purgatorie matter of it and therefore shall neuer be called into question O how apt are we to deceiue our selues Doth not our Lord Iesus very plainely say these words Matth. 12.36 But I say vnto you that euery idle word that men shall speake they shall giue an account thereof in the day of iudgement 37. For by thy words thou shalt be iustified and by thy words thou shalt be condemnd If in the day of iudgement we shall bee tried whether we be fit to be saued or condemned euen by our words and if euery idle world shal then be brought in question it behooueth them that would be saued to make more conscience of their talke then the prating practise of this world affoardeth Certainly old Nicholas Denuse said very truely Of much speaking come many euills specially three the losse of consideration the dulling of deuotion and the multiplying of sinne I haue time and time perceiued the truth of Denuses words in mine owne selfe Yea euen in preaching when I haue beene more word-full then needs which such shallow preachers as I am be driuen to for lacke of matter the more pitty that people should be fed with winde those three euills haue come vpon me It may be asked what counsell I would out of my poore experience giue vnto weake ministers Vpon my conscience in the sight of God this I say Some goe for ministers which are not capable of that knowledge which a minister of the Gospel necessarily should haue The parish where such a one is should wholly ioyne together housholders men-seruants women-seruants and all that haue any thing in the world to giue for the allowing of him so much yearely maintenance to leaue the Ministerie as he hath by continuing in it yea and for the assuring of it vnto him for the tearme of his life This is much but the saluation of any one soule in the parrish is much more And where an vnable minister is certenly many a soule is in great danger If some should in loue of their saluation put themselues to this charges he that hath title to giue the benefice may put in such an other for it is too well known that many Patrons so they are called that giue benefices are very corrupt and haue no feeling of conscience in that businesse O that they knew what a huge measure of Gods vengeance they pull vpon themselues and vpon their house Sir whosoeuer you are know this for a certain the Sonne of God hath a Nisi prius against you to be tried at the great assizes of the world Then shall come foorth many poore soules cast away by meanes of your corruption and they shall crie out vpon you before the face of God Angels and men saying O Lord this is he that hath caused our damnation for he put vpon vs a man to be our minister that had not the grace of ministration in him I vndertake vpon mine vttermost perill that if faithfull inquirie be made diuerse such corruptions shall be found in Derbieshier yea gentlemen sharing with the minister in things dedicated vnto the Gospels maintenance O base more base and vile then to robbe by the high way side Those Ministers which are capable of competent knowledge but yet haue it not I would humbly intreat that aboue all other businesse whatsoeuer they will giue themselues in the feare of God most hungerly and thirstily to studie for it Though I entred not into the ministerie vntill the third yeare after I was batchelour of art which I confesse was too too soone and though that learned Colledge so I dare say Emanuel in Cambridge did in such fauourable manner approoue mee that my grace to commence Master of Arts was passed in the house before I knewe it or thought of it but I neuer went to commence yet was I glad God knowes to toile my selfe night and day else that lowest degree of sufficiencie which by Gods mercie I haue I should neuer haue had I haue been forced to renew my knowledge of logicke the Art of vnderstanding againe and againe and yet am farre short of perfection Hee that is ignorant of this Art I cannot deuise how hee may bee an vnderstanding Minister In the Latine tongue I was not verie perfect yet some-what readie But to get a little smacke in that learned language the Greeke mine eyes haue foregone much sleepe and been made to smart very often Into the language of Chanaan the Hebrew I haue so little sight as may be yet it cost mee some labour and expence withall By these paines I haue obtained God beeing mercifull vnto me this profit I can make a shift to vnderstand many learned Authors that haue written books verie helpefull for him which studieth Diuinitie Thus I am only able to abide the Churches triall and to passe for a sufferable minister if sanctification be not wanting If any vnable minister being capable of knowledge did but perceiue first his owne want and then the comfort which my soule takes in this lowest degree of abilitie which thorough Gods great mercie I haue attained vnto hee would enforce himselfe night and day to get knowledge so be quickly gone beyond me I would withall mine heart that I beeing no lesse able then I am as sufferably I can not bee were in abilitie ministeriall the very lowest of all the ministers in this Land It grieues mee to consider that some are not onely vnable which they shall find to be miserie too much but also which is much more miserable confidently perswaded of their sufficiencie I kept my selfe in some small measure of good order all that weeke much what by shunning vnnecessarie companie But my terrible disease increased vpon me and so tormented me that the foureteenth of August beeing Sabbath by drinking much new ale to ease my paine I almost ouerthrewe my selfe and was sore afraid least I should haue failed in my ministration Yet see thee admirable goodnes of God! I preached in the forenoone and in the afternoone went sicke and sowning ripe into the pulpit so that I betooke my selfe to the pleasure of God by way of preparation for some dismall successe yea before I spake any word I secretly said thus vnto my Lord Blessed Lord God make way for thine owne good pleasure and glorie and doe what thou wilt vnto mee spare mee not Yet I say againe see the most wonderfull goodnesse of God! there were diuerse of good iudgement yea and a Preacher who I verily beleeue will say they neuer heard mee preach more effectully nor with a more constant voice I must and by Gods grace will knowing mine owne exceeding weakenesse acknowledge it to be a gracious fauour of God In the morning I beeing so sore pained that I could not endure either to reade that which I had prepared to preach or to thinke vpon it did deuoutly promise vnto the Lord that in zeale of his glory I
but also traiterously inclined The ioyning of Gods mercy and iustice together is thus First it pleased him to be mercifull vnto such and such Exod. 33.19 Secondly he appointed that they vnto whō he purposed to shew mercy should be ioyned by the holy Ghost vnto his onely Son who for that purpose was at such a time to take vnto him a body and a soule and so being both God and man after a most holy and guiltlesse life to suffer a cruell death to purchase for them the forgiuenesse of sinnes and cleansement from their wicked inclination Tit. 2.14 God is blessed fully blessed exceedingly blessed He that is fully blessed hath freedom from all manner of things which may giue him any discontent and not onely so but also wanteth nothing that may content or delight him Such is the blessednesse of Gods chosen seruants not in this world but in heauen for the Bible saith they are blessed which die in the faith and fauour of the Lord that so they may rest from their labours and their works follow them Reu. 14.13 Their resting from labours is their freedome from all causes of discontent Their works following them is the crown of euerlasting contentment giuen vnto them in regard of their workes and farre surpassing all possible merit in them This blessednes God giueth vnto his Saints The blessednes which he hath in himselfe differeth from this not onely as the cause from the effect but also in two other speciall points First God hath his blisse of himselfe and therefore it is said of him that he onely hath immortalitie that is absolute and necessarie freedome from death 1. Tim. 6.16 Also of him it is said that he hath the well of life Psal 36.9 that is to say hee is the very first cause of life and of all perfection Secondly the blessednes of God is beyond all measure most exceedingly exceeding for as his vnderstanding is infinit that is endlesse so are all his perfections If God be most exceedingly blessed why doe we oftentimes say Blessed be God as though wee wished blessednesse vnto him We doe praise and magnifie his blessednes in minde and in word by acknowledging and publishing the same yea and the party that heartily loueth God is so full of good will towards him that he cannot but wish that if it were possible God might bee a thousand thousand times more happie and blessed then he is And such is the most honourable and gracious kindnes of God that he taketh this wish in verie good part So the great men of this world accept the good will of their poore friends God is glorious Glorie is properly the goodly shewe seeming sight or appearance of any thing It also many times signifieth the famous report of some notable goodnesse In both these meanings glorie is a title most proper vnto God Touching goodly shew the glorie of God appeareth two wayes in himselfe and in his workes In God himselfe there is such a shining excellent maiestie that the very angels are not able to endure the full appearance thereof as we may perceiue by the vision of the Prophet Esay who did see certaine verie glorious angels before the face of God couering their faces Esa 6.2 In all and euery of Gods workes appeareth a shew of some one or more of his excellent properties as of wisedome power iustice mercy c. Esa 6.3 The whole earth is full of his glorie Therefore S. Paul saith the very heathen people knewe God by his works because his eternall power and diuine properties do in his works by the creation of the world euidently appeare Rom. 1. ver 20. Hee whose port is truely glorious is worthy of a glorious report and that principally is our Lord God of whose most stately port and royall behauiour there is a notable report Psal 104.1 Blesse thee Lord O my soule O Lord my God thou art verie great thou art cloathed with honour and maiestie c. God appearing in his works so gloriously our dutie is to take knowledge of his glorie and to do what we can to make the same knowne vnto others One great cause of vndeuotion and coldnes in religion is the not considering of Gods works specially that most admirable worke of redemption manifested in the Gospel Psal 107.43 Whosoeuer is wise and will marke these things euen they shall vnderstand the louing kindnes of the Lord. 2. Cor. 3.18 But we all with open face beholding as in a glasse the glorie of the Lord are changed into the same likenes from glory to glorie euen as by the spirit of the Lord. 2. Cor. 4.6 For God who commanded the light to shine out of darkenes hath shined in our hearts to giue the light of the knowledge of the glorie of God in the face of Iesus Christ How shall wee make the glorie of God knowne vnto others Two waies First by the holynesse of our life that so others may see the glorious working of Gods grace in vs Matth. 5.16 Secondly by the due praising of God that others may heare the report of his glorious acts and doings Psas 145.12 To make knowne vnto the sonnes of men his mightie acts and the glorious maiestie of his kingdome It is a question whether such professed Christians and specially Church-ministers as haue by open prophanenes or any vnholy behauiour blemished the glory of God be not bound to make open cōfession that so what in them is they may salue and remedie the wide wounds which they haue giuen vnto the doctrine and religion of God and Christ My iudgement in this point shall I trust in God appeare by my practise both in this booke and also in the residue of my life In the meane time this I professe my poore soule doth vehemently desire to giue glorie vnto God in the reuengefull abasing of my selfe for the greiuous displeasure great dishonour which I haue all my life long caused and done vnto his most holy maiestie Thus much of the name Iehouah the Lord. Thy God c. The language wherein God spake these words readeth thus thy Gods as speaking of more then one This whatsoeuer the poore Iewes say to the contrary sheweth that in God there are more persons then one which persons how many and who they are the good Lord Iesus beeing one of them doth plainly shew in saying vnto his disciples Matth. 28.19 teach all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Sonne and of the holy Ghost The first person is the Father who begetteth the Sonne O most marueilous begetting the Sonne is as olde as the Father the Sonne hath the very selfe-same nature and substance with his Father yea Ioh. 14.10 hee is within his Father and his Father is within him The second person in the godhead is the Sonne who is begotten of the Father as a word is begotten of a mans mind and therfore he is sometime called the Word as also because he maketh the Father and the
way sufficient for thee Most holy Lord this I verily beleeue therfore in the name of Iesus Christ hencefoorth I will wholly endeauour to please thee Amen The last day of Iulie beeing Sabbath though I was sore tormented I had no remedy but needs must preach my selfe for neither was I prouided of any supply and a Churchwarden came to tell me the parish tooke it in displeasure that I my selfe performed not my dutie That day I preached twise to the great hurt of my body which appeared by many little shreads of skinne which came from me in my water Monday the first of August such a drousie windie weakenes hung vpon me specially in my breast and head that many times I was ready to fall and had much adoe to stand a painfull sleepines was stil comming vpon mee whether I did read or write Monday night I beeing in bed and fallen into a slumber I was so strangely taken as neuer before Some thing seemed to be vpon my backe so to presse me downe that my face was held hard to the pillowe and much winde brake out at the right eare Being very troublously waked I called vpon my good Lord for mercy I perceiued a shiuering windines offering to arise out of my thighes I tooke this by ouerforcing my selfe in preaching vpon the Sabbath day if I be not much deceiued It pleased God that afterward I had some quiet rest but towards morning the cruel strangury came vpon me Alas that there is no remedy for such a filthy tormenting disease a Physitian writing vnto me among other words said thus Know that your disease is incurable The seauenth of August being Sabbath my disease still tormenting me I prayed and vowed thus O most holy and righteous good and gracious Lord God I the most foule and filthy sinner of all the world do here make a complaint of my selfe vnto thy glorious and blessed maiesty that I am not fit to liue in thy sight much lesse to serue thee in the gospel of thy Sonne because I do not walk with thee nor keep my selfe in thy companie as thy seruants doe O be mercifull vnto me I beseech thee I haue heretofore made many vowes that I would enforce my selfe to waite vpon thee But woe is me I haue not kept them now I most humbly pray thee that all my former vowes may be shut vp in this which I am minded to make vnto thee And this it is This day two seuerall preachers will supply my place I beseech thee to blesse them with holy matter hallowed affections powerfull vtterance good successe If I do not from this day forward very conscionably endeauour to hold my selfe to the practise of my foure Rules I wil the next Sabbath day quite put my selfe out of the ministerie yea and openly professe vnto the world that therefore I doe it because my conscience doth certainly iudge mee not to bee fit to preach the Gospell Good Lord this is my vowe If I either reforme my selfe from this day forward or for default thereof leaue the ministerie I breake not my vow If I do neither the one nor the other let me be euerlastingly â—â—rsaken of Iesus Christ If I conscionably reform my selfe by thy grace and so continue with thy fauour in the ministerie O that thou wilt be mercifull vnto me touching this horrible disease Then shall I holily and wholly betake my selfe to serue thee as mine hearts desire is to doe If I reforme not my selfe and therefore as my vow requireth leaue the ministerie I aske no more but the destruction of my sin to thy good pleasure and glorie Now blessed Lord I offer vp this vowe vnto thee for an euerlasting deed and thereunto vnchangeably say Amen Be it neuer changed but euer in force betweene thy blessed Maiestie and me Amen That day some came vnto me and what with one matter what with an other caused me to talke at randome as though I had not been in the companie of God When they were gone I cryed God mercy promised to be more mindefull of his presence and fearefull of his displeasure At night some came to me againe and talking of many things mooued me to passe my bounds but not so much as before yet all this while I was not entred into my vowed practise This I did fully perswade my selfe that if I could in companie be mindfull of God and shunne the displeasing of his maiestie I were in a verie faire forwardnes of reformation Mondaie the eight of August I held my selfe vnto my prayers and businesse carefully thinking how I should avoid the great danger of companie and talking I prayed vnto the Lord thus O good Lord thou seest that my disposition is hardened in sinne and most vntoward vnto thy seruice Thou seest also how apt other folke are to further mine vntowardnesse to hinder my repentance I beseech thee that for thine only Sonnes sake thou wilt powerfully breake me from mine vntowardnes prepare me in thy feare to shunne the manifold wickednesse which is one way or another caused by companying and talking Blessed Lord true it is as I take harme by others so they take harm by me for thy mercies sake be mercifull vnto vs and keepe vs from causing any harme one to another Amen Aman. Betweene tenne and eleuen of the clock there came some vnto me about a matter of vnkindnes between certain parties which had not then been called into question if I had concealed a report which in writing was giuen vnto me and which I was verie confidently willed to shewe vnto whome I would It is likely that many an one would haue thought himselfe well warranted to shew it specially if it had concerned him so neerely as it did me I shewed it not but onely told a certaine part of it which caused the comming of those men vnto me After that we had talked of the businesse and they were gone I confessed and prayed thus vnto God O most gracious Lord I did euill in receiuing that paper and worse in speaking of any thing written in it I beseech thee to pardon me and to giue grace that I may neuer hereafter speake any thing of that matter but onely my bounden thanks praise vnto thee through Iesus Christ thy Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen In the afternoone vpon occasion I praied thus O most gracious Lord thou seest that by thy goodnesse I goe not out to seeke company I perceiue it is great folly so to doe If any come vnto me and enter into friuolous talke I cannot tell what I should doe Thy spirit saith that in the multitude of words there wanteth not sinne Pro. 10.19 And what great losse of precious time commeth vnto men by vaine idle communication I know by experieÌ„ce to my great griefe Most mercifull Lord thou hauing brought me thus farre and broken me from seeking companie from ioyning in emptie words vouchsafe to magnifie thy mercy in making me to preuaile against this impediment
am quite disabled that I can doe thee no seruice because my body is full of death Yet according to thy commaundement I will thorough thy grace wholly bend my spirit to serue thee And what seruice my dying body can performe I will put it vnto betaking my selfe euery way to thy good pleasure and most holy will Amen That day in the afternoone I was tormented yet let me say the truth in a manner as it were vnderhand succoured and sustained My back was about and below the kidnies very sore which made mee fearefull of a fit of the stone which from the last Nouember I had not It came many times into my mind to admonish all sorts of people to leaue the most common taking of Gods name in vaine in prating and swearing and cursing O if any that is giuen vnto that horrible sinne knew how deere and precious vse I am driuen to make of Gods name when in hellish torment specially at and after the making of water I haue none other helpe in all the world but to crie out saying O Lord ô God ô Iesu Christ c Whosoeuer you are that shall read or heare this stay a little while I pray you Bethink your selfe well whether the time will not come you know not how soon wherein you shall be forced to call vpon God for present help yea you ought to call vpon him euery day euery houre for your life and all that you haue or hope to haue is at his mercie In the turning of a hand hee can take all that is good from you turne you away into all manner of misery Then if it stand vpon his pleasure what shall become of you and specially when you are in aduersity or anguish whether you shall be releeued yea or no follow my counsell keep his name in store and by no meanes endure to write or speake it in any idle fashion much lesse in swearing tearing and cursing like a limme of the deuil What man is so madde that hauing a most pretious restoratiue able to cure him of any disease will hurle it into the dust fling it against the walls or tread it vnder his feete No you would lay it most charily as a most speciall treasure whereby you may in time of need help your selfe or your freind O then consider that of all restoratiues the name of God passes and excells For it is a soueraigne remedy against all euils both of soule and body Therefore the Psalme saith Psal 124.8 Our helpe is in the name of the Lord who made heauen and earth In few words take this for certen If you meane to haue helpe in the name of God vse it like a most pretious restoratiue Make not an idle word of it take it not in vaine least when you haue neede to call vpon it you call in vaine because the Lord remembers that you made a vaine idle word of his name That euening I did but walke a little in my chamber it made my water bloody what a miserable state am I in Thursday morning a matter that I read gaue me occasion to consider of an offence which many in Derbie lately tooke by the leauing out of the Crosse at the baptising of a child True it is that I neuer left out that signe nor euer will leaue it vntill the Church giue warrant Yet this I must needs confesse A many people thinke that baptisme is not perfect without the signe of the Crosse Yea more They thinke that there is some holy vertue in it The iudgement of God is a great deepe But the commanding will of God is in his word very plaine Hee would not haue poore people to beleeue that holinesse is there to be had where it is not They which first deuised any ceremony without ground of Gods word how good soeuer their intent was little knew what inconuenience would in processe of time grow thereupon Did you neuer see a house so ful of smoke that a man might sooner haue been stifled and blinded then well warmed That is typhos superstition that is the religon of many rude people If any say it is to be required that such people haue good instruction I say againe what instruction are they like to haue whose guides are either vnable to instruct themselues or suffered to be otherwise imploied I once heard Bishop Barlowe saie that touching higher places which is too too generall and extendeth in my simple obseruation farre further then hee intended it His speech in effect was thus The time was that fit men were sought for But now there is not such neede because many proffer themselues How it is in the higher region I know not But in the lower it is commonly thus And so long as it is thus a foole may prophecie that sound holinesse is not likely to thriue In the afternoon my strangurie was very keene my right foote burned with a painfull heat yet see the goodnes of God still a way is made that I may endure it euen when I am readie to crie out because of deadlie torment I am fully perswaded that had not this disease come vpon me yea and preuailed more and more euen to the putting of me quite out of all hope of recouery I should neuer haue beene diuorced and separated from the loue of this world Notwithstanding all that is yet done sin cleaueth vnto my soule like birdlime I haue a world of trouble within my selfe to master the olde setled rebellious thoughts of my heart which are so sturdie and so deuillish specially one my most naturall sinne that were it not for the verie grace of God in Iesus Christ I should bee quite out of all hope of subduing them Let me come into company and there is such an vprore in mine heart that whatsoeuer I can doe is al too little to keep it from breaking out into open rebellion against God Whosoeuer beeing an old sinner doth put himselfe into the continuall conscionable practise of repentance he shall plainely perceiue the sinnes of his heart to be like vnto a company of desperate rebels besieged in a castle yeeld they will not vntill they be famished out They haue succour from the remembrance and from corrupted imagination from the outward sences specially the eies and the eares and who can say how full of temptations the world is temptations fitted to worke vpon the sight and the hearing It is well worth obseruation for any man that knoweth white from blacke and sinne from grace to marke when he comes in companie with any how soone the seuerall wicked corruptions which are both in him and in the other wil conspire together to betray them both to make them sinne against God at least in a deale of idle talke I cannot call to minde that euer I was in company with any and drawne into a familiar communication but that I was also drawne into sinne Yea but some will say idle talke is a veniall sinne wherein they may pleade