answer or begin Inevitably first with him For I 've receiv'd Advertisement By times enough of his intent And knowing he that first complains Th' advantage of the business gains For Courts of Justice understand The Plaintiff to be eldest hand Who what he pleases may averr The other nothing till he swear Is freely admitted to all Grace And Lawful Favour by his place And for his bringing Custom in Has all Advantages to win I who resolve to oversee No lucky Opportunity Will go to Counsel to advise Which way t' encounter or surprize And after long consideration Have found out one to fit th' occasion Most apt for what I have to do As Counsellor and Justice too And truly so no doubt he was A Lawyer fit for such a Case An Old Dull Sot wh ' had told the Clock For many years at Bridewel-Dock At Westminster and Hickses-Hall And Hiccius-Dockius play'd in all Where in all Governments and Times H' had been both friend and foe to Crimes And us'd two equal ways of gaining By hindring Justice or maintaining To many a Whore gave Priviledge And whip'd for want of Quarteridge Cart-loads of Bawds to Prison sent For b'ing behind a Fortnights Rent And many a trusty Pimp and Croney To Puddle-dock for want of money Ingag'd the Constable to seize All those that would not break the Peace Nor give him back his own foul words Though sometimes Commoners or Lords And kept 'em Prisoners of Course For being sober at ill hours That in the Morning he might Free Or bind 'em over for his Fee Made Monsters fine and Puppet plays For leave to practice in their ways Farm'd out all Cheats and went a share With th' Headborough and Scavenger And made the Dirt i' th' Streets Compound For taking up the Publick Ground The Kennel and the King's High-way For being unmolested Pay Let out the Stocks and Whipping-Post And Cage to those that gave him most Impos'd a Tax on Bakers Ears And for False Weights on Chandellers Made Victuallers and Vintners Fine For Arbâ—trary Ale and Wine But was a kind and constant Friend To all that Regularly offend As Residentiary Bawds And Brokers that receive stoll'n Goods That cheat in Lawful Mysteries And pay Church-duties and his Fees But was implacable and auker'd To all that Interlop'd and Hawker'd To this brave Man the Knight repairs For Counsel in his Law-Affairs And found him mounted in his Pew With Books and Mony plac'd for shew Like Nest-eggs to make Clients lay And for his false Opinion pay To whom the Knight with comely Grace Put off his Hat to put his Case Which he as proudly entertain'd As the other courteously strain'd And to assure him 't was not that He look'd for Bid him put on 's Hat Quoth he there is one Sidrophel Whom I have cudgel'd Very well And now he brags t' have beaten me Better and better still quoth he And vows to stick me to a Wall Where e're he meets me best of all 'T is true the Knave has taken's Oath That I rob'd him Well done in troth When h' has confest he stole my Cloak And pick'd my Fob and what he took Which was the cause that made me bang him And take my Goods again marry hang him Now whether I should before hand Swear he rob'd me I understand Or bring my Action of Conversion And Trover for my Goods Ah Whorson Or if 't is better to indite And bring him to his Trial Right Prevent what he designs to do And swear for th' State against him True Or whether he that is Defendant In this Case has the better end on 't Who putting in a new cross-bill May traverse th' Action better still Then there 's a Lady too I marry That 's easily prov'd accessary A Widow who by solemn Vows Contracted to me for my Spouse Combin'd with him to break her word And has abetted all Good Lord Suborn'd the aforesaid Sidrophel To tamper with the Dev'l of Hell Who put me into horrid fear Fear of my Life Make that appear Made an assault with Fiends and Men. Vpon my body Good agen And kept me in a deadly fright And false Imprisonment all Night Mean while they rob'd me and my Horse And stole my Saddle worse and worse And made mount upon the bare-ridge T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage Sir quoth the Lawyer not to flatter ye You have as Good and Fair a Battery As heart can wish and need not shame The proudest Man alive to claim For if th' have us'd you as you say Marry quoth I God give you joy I would it were my Case I 'd give More than I 'll say or you 'll believe I would so trounce her and her Purse I 'ld make her kneel for bett'r or worse For Matrimony and Hanging here Both go by destiny so clear That you as sure may Pick and Choose As Cross I win and Pile you lose And if I durst I would advance As much in Ready Maintenance As upon any Case I 've known But we that practice dare not own The Law severely contrabands Our taking Business off Mens hands 'T is Common barratry that bears Point blank an Action ' gainst our Ears And crops them till there is not Leather To stick a Pin in left of either For which some do the Sommer-sault And o'er the Bar like Tumblers vault But you may swear at any rate Things not in Nature for the State For in all Courts of Justice here A Witness is not said to swear But make Oath that is in plain terms To forge whatever he affirms I thank you quoth the Knight for that Because 't is to my purpose pat For Justice though she 's painted blind Is to the weaker side enclin'd Like charity else right and wrong Could never hold it out so long And like blind Fortune with a slight Conveys Mens Interest and Right From Stiles's Pocket into Nokeses As easily as Hocus Pocus Plays fast and loose makes Men Obnoxious And clear again like Hiccius-Doctius Then whether you would take her life Or but recover her for your Wife Or be content with what she has And let all others matters Pass The Business to the Law 's alone The proof is all it look's upon And you can want no Witnesses To swear to any thing you please That hardly get their meer Expences By th' Labor of their Consciences Or letting out to hire their Ears To Affidavit Customers At inconsiderable values To serve for Jury-men or Tales Although retain'd in th' hardest matters Of Trustees and Administrators For that quoth he let me alone W' have store of such and all our own Bred up and tutor'd by our Teachers The ablest of Conscience-stretchers That 's well Quoth he But I should Guess By weighing of Advantages Your surest way is first to Pitch On Bougey for a Water-witch And when y' have hang'd the Conjurer Y' have time enough to deal with her In th' Intrim Spare for no Trepans To draw her Neck into
what design what interest Can Beast have to encounter Beast They fight for no espoused Cause Frail Priviledge Fundemental Laws Nor for a thorough Reformation Nor Covenant nor Protestation Nor Liberty of Consciences Nor Lords and Commons Ordinances Nor for the Church nor for Church-Lands To get them in their own no Hands Nor evil Counsellors to bring To Justice that seduce the King Nor for the worship of us men Though we have done as much for them Th' Egyptians worshiped Dogs and for Their faith made fierce and zealous War Others ador'd a Rat and some For that Church suffer'd martyrdome The Indians fought for the truth Of th' Elephent and Monkey's Tooth And many to defend that faith Fought it out mordicus to death But no Beasts ever was so slight For Man as for his God to fight They have more wit alas and know Themselves and us better than so But we we only do infuse The Rage in them like Boute-feus 'T is our example that instills In them th' infection of our ills For as some late Philosphers Have well observ'd Beasts that converse With Man take after him as Hogs Get Pigs all th' year and Bitches Dogs Just so by our example Cattle Learn to give one another Battel We read in Nero's time the Heathen When they destroy'd the Christian Brethren They sow'd them in the skins of Bears And then set Dogs about their Ears From whence no doubt th' invention came Of this lewd Antichristian Game To this quoth Ralpho Verily The Point seems very plain to be It is an Antichristian Game Unlawful both in thing and name First for the name The word Bear-baiting Is carnal and of man's creating For certainly there 's no such word In all the Scripture on record Therefore unlawful and a sin And so is secondly the thing A vile Assembly 't is that can No more be prov'd by Scripture than Provincial Classick National Mere humane Creature-Cobwebs all Thirdly it is Idolatrous For when men run a-whoring thus With their Inventions whatsoe'r The thing be whether Dog or Bear 〈◊〉 Idolatrous and Pagan No less than worshiping of Dagon Quoth Hudibras I smell a Rat Ralpho thou dost prevaricate For though the Thesis which thou lay'st Be true ad amussim as thou say'st For that Bear-baiting should appear Jure Divino lawfuller Than Synods are thou dost deny Totidem verbis so do I Yet there 's a fallacy in this For if by fly Homoeosis Thou wouldst Sophistically imply Both are unlawful I deny And I quoth Ralpho do not doubt But Bear-baiting may be made out In Gospel-times as lawful as is Provincial or Parochial Classis And that both are so near of kin And like in all as well as sin That put them in a bag and shake 'em Your self o' th' sudden would mistake 'em And not know which is which unless You measure by their Wickedness For 't is not hard t' imagine whether O' th' two is worst though I name neither Quoth Hudibras Thou offer'st much But art not able to keep touch Mira de lente as 't is i' th' Adage Id est to make a Leek a Cabbage Thou canst at best but overstrain A Paradox and th' own hot brain For what can Synods have at all With Bears that 's analogical Or what relation has debating Of Church-Affairs with Bear-baiting A just comparison still is Of things ejusdem generis And then what Genus rightly doth Include and comprehend them both If Animal both of us may As justly pass for Bears as they For we are Animals no less Although of different Specieses But Ralpho this is no fit place Nor time to argue out the Case For now the Field is not far off Where we must give the world a proof Of Deeds not Words and such as suit Another manner of Dispute A Controversy that affords Actions for Arguments â—ot Words Which we must manage at a rate Of Prowess and Conduct adaequate To what our place and fame doth promise And all the godly expect from us Nor shall they be deceiv'd unless W' are slurr'd and outed by success Success the mark no mortal wit Or surest hand can always hit For whatsoe're we perpetrate We do but row w' are steer'd by Fate Which in sâ—ccess oft disinherits For spurious causes noblest merits Great Actions are not always true Sons Of great and mighty Resolutions Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth Events still equal to their worth But sometimes fail and in their stead Fortune and Cowardise succeed Yet we have no great cause to doubt Our actions still have born us out Which though th' are known to be so ample We need no copy from example We ' are not the only person durst Attempt this Province nor the first In Northern Clime a valorous Knight Did whilom kill his Bear in fight And wound a Fidler we have both Of these the objects of our wroth And equal Fame and Glory from Th' Attempt or Victory to come 'T is sung There is a valiant Mamaluke In forreign Land yclep'd To whom we have been oft compar'd For Person Parts Address and Beard Both equally reputed stout And in the same Cause both have fought He oft in such Attempts as these Came off with glory and success Nor will we fail in th' execution For want of equal Resolution Honor is like a Widow won With brisk Attempt and putting on With entring manfully and urging Not slow approaches like a Virgin This said as once the Phrygian Knight So ours with rusty steel did smite His Trojan Horse and just as much He mended pace upon the touch But from his empty stomach groan'd Just as that hollow Beast did sound And angry answer'd from behind With brandish'd Tail and blast of Wind. So have I seen with armed heel A Wight bestride a Common-weal While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd The less the sullen Jade has stirr'd The ARGUMENT of The SECOND CANTO The Catalogue and Character Of th' Enemies best Men of War Whom in a bold Harangue the Knight Defy's and challenges to fight H' incounters Talgol routs the Bear And takes the Fidler Prisoner Conveys him to enchanted Castle There shuts him fast in Wooden Bastile CANTO II. THere was an ancient sage Philosopher That had read Alexander Ross over And swore the World as he could prove Was made of Fighting and of Love Just so Romances are for what else Is in them all but Love and Battles O' th' first of these w' have no great matter To treat of but a World o' th' latter In which to do the injur'd Right We mean in what concerns just fight Certes our Authors are to blame For to make some well sounding name A Pattern fit for modern Knights To copy out in Frays and Fights Like those that a whole streat do raze To build a Palace in the place They never care how many others They kill without regard of Mothers Or Wives or Children so they can Make up some fierce dead-doing
little by Out-fawn as much and Out-comply And seem as scrupulously just To bait our Hooks for greater Trust But still be careful to cry down All publick Actions though our own The least Miscarriage aggravate And charge it all upon the State Express the horrid'st Detestation And pity the distracted Nation Tell Stories scandalous and false I' th' proper Language of Cabals Where all a subtil States-man says Is half in Words and half in Face As Spaniards talk in Dialogues Of Heads and Shoulders Nods and Shrugs Entrust it under solemn Vows Of Mum and Silence and the Rose To be retail'd again in Whispers For th' easie credulous to disperse Thus far the States-man When a Shout Heard at a distance put him out And strait another all agast Rush'd in with equal Fear and Haste Who star'd about as pale as Death And for a while as out of Breath Till having gather'd up his Wits He thus began his Tale by Fits That beastly Rabble that came down From all the Garrets in the Town And Stalls and Shop-boards in vast Swarms With new-chalk'd Bills and rusty Arms To cry the Cause up heretofore And bawl the Bishops out of Door Are now drawn up in greater Shoals To Roast and Broil us on the Coals And all the Grandees of our Members Are Carbonading on the Embers Knights Citizens and Burgesses Held forth by Rumps of Pigs and Geese That serve for Characters and Badges To represent their Personages Each Bone-fire is a Funeral Pile In which they Roast and Scorch and Broil And ev'ry Representative Have vow'd to Roast and Broil alive And 't is a Miracle we are not Already sacrific'd Incarnate For while we wrangle here and jar W' are Grylly'd all at Temple-Bar Some on the Sign-post of an Ale-house Hang in Effigy on the Gallows Made up of Rags to personate Respective Officers of State That henceforth they may stand reputed Proscrib'd in Law and Executed And while the Work is carrying on Be ready Listed under Dun That Worthy Patriot once the Bellows And Tinder-box of all his Fellows The activ'st Member of the Five As well as the most Primitive Who for his faithful Service then Is chosen for a Fifth agen For since the State has made a Quint Of Generals he 's listed in 't This Worthy as the World will say Is paid in Specie his own way For moulded to the Life in Clouts Th' have pick'd from Dung-hills hereabouts He 's mounted on a Hazel Bavin A crop'd Malignant Baker gave 'em And to the largest Bonefire riding Th' have roasted Cook already and Pride-m On whom in Equipage and State His Scare-crow Fellow-Members wait And March in Order two and two As at Thanksgivings th' us'd to do Each in a tatter'd Talismane Like Vermine in Effigie slain But what 's more dreadful than the rest Those Rumps are but the Tail o' th' Beast Set up by Popish Engineers As by the Crackers plainly appears For none but Jesuits have a Mission To preach the Faith with Ammunition And propagate the Church with Powder Their Founder was a blown up Soldier These Spiritual Pioneers o' th' Whores That have the Charge of all her Stores Since first they fail'd in their Designs To take in Heav'n by springing Mines And with unanswerable Barrels Of Gun-powder dispute their Quarrels Now take a Course more practicable By laying Trains to fire the Rabble And blow us up in th' open Streets Disguis'd in Rumps like Sambenites More like to Ruin and Confound Than all their Doctrines under-ground Nor have they chosen Rumps amiss For Symbols of State-Mysteries Though some suppose 't was but to shew How much they scorn'd the Saints The Few Who ' cause th' are wasted to the stumps Are represented best by Rumps But Jesuits have deeper Reaches In all their Politick Far-fetches And from their Coptick Priest Kirkerus Found out this Mystick way to jeer us For as the Aegyptians us'd by Bees T' express their Antick Ptolomies And by their Stings the Swords they wore Held forth Authority and Pow'r Because these subtil Animals Bear all their Int'rests in their Tails And when th' are once impair'd in that Are banish'd their Well-order'd State They thought all Governments were best By Hieroglyphick Rumps exprest For as in Bodies Natural The Rump's the Fundament of all So in a Commomwealth or Realm The Government is call'd the Helm With which like Vessels under Sail Th' are turn'd and winded by the Tail The Tail which Birds and Fishes steer Their Courses with through Sea and Air To whom the Rudder of the Rump is The same thing with the Stern and Compass This shews how perfectly the Rump And Commonwealth in Nature jump For as a Fly that goes to Bed Rests with his Tail above his Head So in this Mungâ—el State of ours The Rabble are the Supreme Powers That Hors'd us on their Backs to show us A Jadish trick at last and throw us The Learned Rabbins of the Jews Write there 's a Bone which they call Luez I' th' Rump of Man of such a Vertue No force in Nature can do hurt to And therefore at the last Great Day All th' other Members shall they say Spring out of this as from a Seed All sorts of Vegetals proceed From whence the Learned Sons of Art Os Sacrum justly stile that Part. Then what can better represent Than this Rump-bone the Parliament That after several rude Ejections And as prodigious Resurrections With new Reversions of nine Lives Starts up and like a Cat revives But now alas th' are all expir'd And th' House as well as Members fir'd Comsum'd in Kennels by the Rout With which they other Fires put out Condemn'd t' ungoverning Distress And Paultry Private Wretchedness Worse than the Devil to Privation Beyond all hopes of Restauration And parted like the Body and Soul From all Dominion and Controul We who could lately with a Look Enact Establish or Revoke Whose Arbitrary Nods gave Law And Frowns kept multitudes in Awe Before the Bluster of whose Huff All Hats as in a Storm flew off Ador'd and bow'd to by the Great Down to the Foot-man and Valet Had more bent Knees than Chappel-Mats And Prayers than the Crowns of Hats Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly For Ruin's just as low as high Which might be suffer'd were it all The Horrour that attends our Fall For some of us have Scores more large Than Heads and Quarters can discharge And others who by restless scraping With Publick Frauds and private Rapine Have mighty Heaps of Wealth amass'd Would gladly lay-down all at last And to be but undone Entail Their Vessels on perpetual Jail And bless the Devil to let them Farms Of forfeit Souls on no worse terms This said A near and louder Shout Put all th' Assembly to the Rout Who now begun t' out-run their fear As Horses do from those that bear But crouded on with so much haste Vntill th' had block'd the Passage fast And Barricadoed it with Haunches Of Outward