to fornicate with their eyes And such a one was he that when he could hardly draw his legs after him but with the help of two Church-pillars instead of Crutches yet could not forbear to make his evening visits to a common Bawdie-house i' the Town where his whole delight was over two black pots of Ale to behold the naked Hanches of a strapping black-brow'd Quean which she all daub'd with soot as she stood opposite to him bolt upright in the Chimney like the Idol Molock all bedript with the fat of his Infant-Offerings I could tell ye of another grave Father in sin whose invention was much more odd and fantastical and much more chargeable For he had always a leash or a leash and a half of young Queans in his pay whom he always treated in a great room with a roasting fire and a Table furnish'd with all the Delicates of the Poulterers Shops Where when they came to supper they were to enter and sit down as naked as they were born and fall to merrily while he as naked as they crept under the Table and there lay erring and snarling like a Dog and snapping sometimes at their Shins and sometimes at their feet sometimes at their thighs and cranching the bones which they threw him down from their Trenchers Now if it be such a discomfort of Matrimony for an impotent Curmudgeon that has Marry'd a vigorous Damsel to her infinite injurie to admit of a friendly Coadjutor here are pleasant remedies and inventions found out for him which he may make use of for the ease and solace of her discontent but never let him be disquieted at what his young brisk and dissatisfy'd wife does when he is the only occasion of all she does himself Rather if an old Hunks without life or vigour have such an inclination to leachery let him in imitation of the former examples please those senses which are least defective and not go about to make a young and better-deserving Gentlewomans life miserable and loathsome to her where she expects her greatest felicity and enjoyment THE Sixth Real Comfort OF Matrimony WHat 's the matter now why now we 're all to pieces again Here 's a wife with a wannion she 'l dine when she pleases she 'l sup when she pleases nay she 'l neither dine nor sup when she pleases she 'l command the servants be Mistress of Mis-rule she questions all comers and goers breaks open her Husbands Letters Hoyda and what of all this why 't is the greatest discomfort as can be to have such a woman as this Now is not this Husband a Ninnie to complain of such a wife 't is pitty exchange is not permitted by the Law Why there are men that would give him their own wives and a thousand pound to boot for such a woman as this By my Fakins he 's shrewdly hurt to have a wife that frees him from all his Family-care Who should question peoples business but she who is able to give 'em an answer who should command his servants but she who has authority so to do But she won't eat her dinner why then let her let it alone You may be sure she 'l never starve her self and having such a command i' the House she knows the way to the cupboard her self But not with him Then let him eat by himself it shews great and Majestical so that his servants be but about him But she breaks open his Letters What are they Billet doux's or Assignations if they be he 's a fool to let them come home to his House For 't is the nature of women to be peeping and the Poet says Though you thrust nature back with a Pitch-fork she will return But that which grieves him nost is that she is so stingie and waspish notwithstanding all his courtship and kindness Alas that does but feed the humour 'T is like drinking Claret to cure sore Eyes Womens humours are like the Gout You may use a thousand remedies and all to no purpose till the pain and swelling wear off of themselves Besides you may be certain whatever humour possesses a woman that humour pleases her Therefore let her enjoy it 't is not the part of a kind Husband to court her out of it However this is a most horrible discomfort not to be deny'd when a man sends home to his Wife before-hand and desires her to make provision because he has some very good friends to come and sup with him And what then why then shall she like an undutiful slut as she is neglect all his commands and not only makes no provision but sends all the servants out of the way on purpose to the utter disappointment of him and his friends Why look ye if a man wants Government he must blame his own folly not his wife 'T is the opinion in such a case of some great Doctors that a man may take his wife to task as the world has a genteel soft word for it to prevent the like miscarriage another time Daily experience tells us that when men find their bodies over charged with ill humours they are forc'd to exercise a sort of kind cruelty upon their own flesh and to cut holes in their Armes Thighs Legs and Temples to let out those ill humours with the waste of their life-blood The same reasons then that prevails with a man not to spare cruelty to himself may excuse him if with more moderation he only takes his Wife to task Two Gentlemen travelling upon the road came at length to a place where they found a Carrier belabouring the sides of a damn'd resty Mare that would neither go backward not forward as if he had been sheathing a Ship with sheet-lead The Gentleman pitying the poor beast desired the Carrier to be less passionate The Carrier bid them meddle with their own business for he knew his Mares dispositition better than they The same night one of the Gentlemen invited his Friend home with him and desired his wife to provide him a handsome Treatment and told her what he would have but when Supper came to be serv'd up there was not only nothing of what he expected but every thing ill drest and out of order Thereupon the Gentleman after Supper in the presence of his friend took his wife to task and was so severe that his friend rebuk'd him as they had both rebuk'd the Carrier But the Gentleman returning the Carriers answer went on taking his Wife to task till he brought her both to submission and promise of amendment You 'l say this was Carrier-like Oh Sir you are mistaken there 's a delight in Correction that tickles some men extreamly Else the Presbyterian Parson would never have taken so much pleasure as he did in whipping his Maid Pedagogues delight in lashing and are glad when a Boy commits a fault that they may be at their beloved sport And were it the fashion for Schoolmasters to teach Female Scholars you should find more whipping than
did his vvork Being cur'd and vvell he caus'd all the vvomen vvhose vvaters he had experimented in vain to be brought together and thrust into one great City by vvhich you may guess there vvas a svvinging company of 'em and there burnt them all together City and all and then took the vvoman that had cur'd him to vvife What then is universal can never be a true cause of discontent since 't is one mans fortune as vvell as anothers And for the vvomen they are not to be blam'd because their Husbands lead 'em the vvay And from vvhom should vvomen sooner learn their instructions than from their Husbands Therefore said the Gentlevvoman man to the Parson that call'd her Baggage and better fed then taught 't was very true because he taught her and her Husband fed her For they must still walk by their Husbands rule Neither is there any invention of man no Law as the Rump-Parliament try'd to little purpose no Stratagem of Male-wit than can obviate the suttleties and devices of women in the business of Cuckoldry Who would think that any devil of a woman should have it so ready For mark how it fell out no sooner was the good man gone out betimes in the morning to work but his wife admits her private friend into his warm place The Husband it being an unthought-of Holy day returns much sooner than he was expected or his company desir'd The woman hearing him knock at the door puts her friend under an old Copper-Furnace in the wash-house As soon as the man came in Wife says he I have consider'd that we have no use of that Copper-Furnace in the wash-house and so I have sold it and here 's the man come to fetch it away And how much have ye sold it for quoth she So much quoth he By my faith then quoth she you might have brought your friend before for I have just now sold it to another for half as much more And the man 's now under it to see what holes there are in it that they may be mended And so heaving up the Furnace the man came out paid down his Money and had his bargain Where could the man suspect the least harm in all this And yet you see there was harm though not to be discover'd by any but a Conjurer What could the Father say to his Son in Law when he complain'd of a discovery he had made of his Wife The Father desir'd the Mother to take her Daughter in private and give her a juniper-Lecture She does so and the Father and Son resolve to over-hear her Fie quo the Mother do such a thing and suffer your self to be discover'd at your years Where was your wit where were your brains I have been married to your Father these twenty years and upwards and have had many a private Friend in a corner and yet thy Father can't say black 's my eye I say what could the Father say when he heard this but advise his Son to secresie and discretion Or what could the Son do but take his Wife again and double his guards I would fain know what man cares to be out of the Fashion or what reason a man has to be discontented at the Fashion If it be the fashion to be a Cuckold why should that grieve and torment his mind Rather let him consider whether it be not a custom or rather a Law so made by a long Prescription of near four thousand years and then comfort himself up in this that he has the same liberty Revenge they say is sweeter than Manna of Calabria But if there be no occasion of revenge how shall a man enjoy the Sweets of that Pleasure Therefore it fell out well for that man that he was a Cuckold who understanding his Neighbour had made him so order'd his Wife to send for his Neighbour and lock him up in a Chest in her Chamber And then sending for his Neighbours Wife and telling her the whole story gave her a Nooning over her Husbands head upon the same Chest where he lay fast under lock and key For now they stood upon equal terms Sometimes it may happen that a man low i' the world may gain by the bargain Like the Foot-Souldier i' the Trainbands who having got leave of his Captain to dispence with him from the Guard was got home and going to bed about one a Clock i' the morning His doublet was off and his breeches thrown upon the bed But his Wife was so ill of a sudden so mortally sick that unless she had a Cordial presently there was nothing but present death The fellow compassionating his Wife snatches up his breeches again puts on his doublet and knocks up the next Pothecary for a Cordial What Cordial Any Cordial that exceeded not nine-pence for he had but a shilling and three-pence he must have to spend next morning upon the Guard But when he came to dive for his nine-pence his fingers in one pocket were up to the knuckles in Gold which encouraged him to feel further he found a Gold-Watch in a by-fob and a convenient quantity of Tower-coyn'd Silver-Medals in another pocket The fellow wonder'd at the strange multiplication of his single Shilling but said nothing took his Cordial and return'd home to his expiring wife In the mean time the Gentleman was gone with his leathern Breeches and his single shilling to bear his Charges through the Watch and glad he scap'd so And thus you see if it hit well there 's content a both sides if otherwife a man must take it as it falls But yet for all this I am apt to believe the world is not come to that pass yet but that the Men are far more in fault than the Women 'T were impossible else that there should be so much work for the Surgeons and Pintle-smiths about this Town 'T is impossible that there should be such swarms of Charlatans and Knights of the Syringe in every corner of the City Not a Gate or spare wall but what is plaistered over like a Country-Ale-house with No Cure no Money A hundred Infallible Cures and a thousand more defiances of Mortality enough to astonish Death it self as if he were upon his last legs and that men had wrested his Scithe out of his sinewless clutches You cannot walk the streets without having three or four Schedules in a day of humane Infirmities pop't into your hands So that now if a man can't live by the Tap or the Syringe 't is time for him to go a Buckaneering to Jamaica Whence this Incouragement Faith neither better nor worse women are not so bad as men would make 'um and therefore the old trade of whoring still flourishes In short therefore since there is no man that wears a Bulls feather who is not as apt to give it let him never think that a discomfort to himself which he dreams no vexation to another THE Thirteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony IS she so Why what 's the
truly so homely that as for their beauty you can hardly give 'em a good word However Art helps Nature and every one would by art correct the defects of Nature Nay it is their prudence to be earnest with their Husbands for those Assistances which Art requires to polish Nature that they may keep themselves from the inconveniences of Contempt For it is a hard matter for a woman to recover those unkindnesses which proceed from an eye that once begins to nauseate Hence it follows that one of the chief comforts of Marriage must be a wife well drest for by that means she reconciles the eye that was perhaps offended and disgusted beholding her but just before unpeady Dress and Carriage strangely bewitch There is a charm in the very noise and rusling of their Petticoats I have known when a Lady at what time which is not long ago that women wore flaps to their shoes when the noise of a Lady perhaps not altogether so handsom as Venus coming out of her Chamber and Gracefully beating the stairs as she descended step by step with her musical slap slaps has kindled new fires in the Husband below though he had not been up above an hour before To which the rusling of the Sattin Petticoat is like the Base to the Treble which produces such a charming harmony that the Eye is in a manner over-perswaded by the Ear believes that to be a new face which before seem'd not so pleasing and by an officious flattery of the fancie still improving the discovery till it beget new flames and fresh desires Which renewing of love being a happiness and the aim of succeeding pleasure to both parties produced by the delightful charm of Garb and Dress plainly evinces that the outward Ornaments of a Wife must be a great comfort to a Married Man And no man can blame the importunity of a Wife in that respect when he finds it so conducing to his satisfaction Then steps in that Moral Adage to ingage him deeper in his opinions Fine feathers make fine birds And who will not endure the horrid noise of a Parrot or the chattering of a Jay for the sake of their curious feathers which being so frequently experienc'd certainly one would think a rational man should much sooner endure a little more than ordinary clamour from a Wife for that which in the end brings him the greatest comfort of Matrimony that can be content of Mind and removes all those nusances which otherwise a satiated eye might apprehend Juno the chiefest of all the Goddesses is said to have chosen the Peacock for her peculiar Bird and why because of all other birds that bird is the most sumptuously clad And she is said of all the Goddesses to be most gorgeous her self in her Apparel as one that pick'd and cull'd the colours of her Knots and Ribbons in imitation of Natures variety bestow'd upon that Bird. For which reason the Poets generally apparel her in a Mantle embroidered with the gaudy eyes of Peacocks tails And all this to draw the wandring affections of Jove home to her self Neither did Jupiter ever contradict her though she were shrewish enough too But that was not all he let her have her humour as finding it renewed his affection to her after all the change of other Women Every new Gown causes a new wedding day for Women furnish themselves with new smiles and new caresses against that time Pleasure it self grows irksome when it continues still the same The ebbings and flowings of Affection enhance the price of it Should men be always happy they would never know they were so 'T is the same with rain and sun-shine winter and summer Those Countries are most pleasant where the temper of the seasons and the varieties of hot and cold foul and fair are most kindly intermix'd and we find that foul weather is many times more desir'd and more acceptable than a serene skie as being much more beneficial In like manner if the Quarrel of a Wife be for the advantage of a Husband if she murmur sometimes for the want of those things which may render her self to her Husband more gay and debonaire in her humour and her person more graceful and alluring to his eye a storm may now and then be born with that produâ—â—â— And this by way of Doctrine and Use may serve the more justly and severely to condemn those that run gadding to seek for change abroad when he has so much variety at home For most certainly as the humour varies the pleasure must be different Female Insinuation having always had a knack to proportion the activity of their affection according to the nature of the gift which they receive and it is as common a thing to caper and dance out of content and satisfaction as to leap for joy But what shall we say of those that regret the opening of their Purse-strings to legal Matrimony yet never grudge the bottom of their Bags to an imperious and lavish Mistress As if it were not better to suffer a little under the severity though somewhat more than ordinary expensive of a lawful Wife than to suffer the Martyrdom of an Estate and to he hector'd out of their Gold by a prodigal Strumpet unjust to their Wives and sottishly bewitch'd to deny that to a lawful Wife which they part withal with so much profuseness to the frowns of their Illegitimate Miss And fools to themselves to purchase forbidden Lust at the dire expence of Reputation and over-late Repentance Yet such there are that fret and fume cry they cannot live a quiet hour at home and bewail the sadness of their Condition for a little Petticoat-importunity of their Wives but patiently brook the reproaches of a tawdry Quean and when she expostulates the case and gives him a Bill of her profuse demands and cries Dam her sink her does he think she 'l live with such a dog-rogue-Pimp as he for ten pound a week creeps and cringes and makes loud Protestations and Vows of advancing her Fortune to appease her Counterfeit wrath With which when she is a little mollified though not vouchfaf'd the favour which he came for away he trudges to this Shop and t'other Shop and in a short time sends her in a whole Caravan of Silks and toys to consummate the atonement And do you think that person was not most severely and unmercifully u'sd by a Daughter of Joy that when he had bargain'd with her for a nights dalliance for twenty pound coming to tell the mony and finding thirteen-pence-halfpenny wanting for it was Maltsters Cash forc'd him after he was half unstript to put on his Cloaths again and go half a mile to borrow half a crown to make up the sum and when he had given it her for change kept that too Was not this an Inhumane piece of Tyranny yet the poor Inamorato took it as patient as a lamb when perhaps he would have lamented the parting with forty shillings to the
importunity of his wife and thought himself undone to purchase a new Nuptial night from her at the expence of a single pair of Stays Such men infinitely degrade themselves as having lost the more noble Appellation of Whoremasters and exchang'd it for the ignomious title of Whore-sons Slaves Some are such haughty Roxelana's that upon the least disgust at a Tavern they will throw the Quart-pot Wine all at the submissive Mammamuchi's pate nay call him Son of a Whore to boot as if they had both tumbl'd in one belly Yet he goes home lies with her all that night and takes no more notice of his wash'd Cravat than onely Why wer 't thou so nangry Molly Another sort there are that rather than see their Wives go garbate and trim can endure to live in the midst of stench and sluttery However they are contented because the woman does not worry him as he calls it for fine Clothes Perhaps because she was never so well bred as to know how to wear 'em 'twere ten thousand times better she did For now she lives onely to convince the world by its contrary how great the comfort is which Wedlock receives from the love of Gallantry and cleanly spruceness However something she would have but knows not what 't is not her stirring about her house and moyling drudgerie that keeps her tatter'd and Cinder-Woman like She keeps close in her stie pouts and lowres and sends this body and t'other body to the Devil and will be neither sick nor well Coming into her Chamber the first glance of your eye gives you a prospect of her Close-stool open and her Chamber-pot full-charged as if she had that high Opinion of her self that she were some Civet-Cat or that all which came from her were nothing but Myrrh and Essence of Orange Flowers Draw the Curtains and you behold her lying in a heap like a Sea-coall-dunghill but somewhat blacker and 't is a hard question to resolve whether she durtied the sheets or the sheets durtied her for they are all alike smock head-geer and all of the same complexion with a Staffordshire Forgers leather Apron She looks so like a Witch that you would almost think her the Walnut-colour'd Gypsie that murmur'd out the Oracles of Delphos No body can dress her but Hercules because she is first to be cleans'd and no body can cleanse her but he that cleans'd the Augean Stable Therefore she converses with no body nor any body with her Onely she has this good quality that she is constant to her Husband because no body else dares come near her You 'il say I am run into the Extremes 't is requisite women should go decent and neat but not above their Husbands Estates Who shall be judge of that the proof of the pudding The man 's undone yet no body can say by his Wife Or if a man have a mind to be undone for his Wife what 's that to any body his Marriage is never a whit the more discomfort to him if he think it not so And for the woman she has no reason to complain she cannot eat her Cake and have her Cake However all this while where is the discomfort of Marriage Marriage cannot be said to be the occasion of this mans undoing or misfortune Wedlock is too sacred an Institution to be scandalously reproach'd But some men have got a trick to conceal the infirmities of their Estates you shall never know what they are worth till they beak or die They will never let their wives understand the intrinsick Value of their Coffers but boast continually of their gettings and their incomes how much they got such a morning how much such a day And women proportion their demands according to the measures of what they hear or see believing what their Husbands swear and lie to is all Gospel So that the men have no reason to be angry if their Credulous wives desirous to credit their Husbands and to keep up their Port and Quality and therefore Covetous of a little gay apparel by which the world generally makes its conjecture are so gentile and generous as to place and fix their own delight in their Husbands Reputation and advantage and may thank themselves if the woman surpass the limits of their Abilities For it is natural in all women of life and spirit and refin'd Education to love that which sets them forth to the best advantage and renders them most amiable Neither must we expect that all women should be she-Philosophers or so devoutly given to throw off the love of pomp and vanity incident to youth upon their being married as if they were entring into a Nunery when they first entred their Husbands doors Friends and Relations are not to be banish'd from the Habitations of Marryed men and it is better the wife should appear rather over garbated than too mean rather lac'd than pacht and greasie And truly as the times go 't is but reason that men should bestow a little more cost than ordinary or than perhaps formerly they did that we may be able to know the Mistress from the maid and not run into the mistake of saluting the servant for the woman of the House 'T is said that Cloaths are a certain Indication of the Disposition of the person that wears them A Woer in the addresses which he makes to his Mistress may soon give a shrewd conjecture at her temper by her Habit. Pride Prodigality Sluttery ill-nature all discover themselves in her dress and carriage especially when she is in her full trim Pride shews it self in richness of Laces prodigality in the vanity of Ribbons and not knowing the price of what she wears when she is ask't Sluttery appears in tawdry and ill nature in disorder and carelesness So that if a man make an ill choice 't is his own fault Oh but the Charms of her face or her Portion are such that he dyes for the sake of her black brows or her fifteen hundred pounds if he have her not Then I hope if he have her he has the main comfort of Matrimony he expected not valuing all other incovenience compar'd to the possession of what he enjoys Which being so 't is not just in him to come with his after-reckonings nor is it any real cause of complaint or disquiet that she duns him for the same Port and Garb nay though it be more which she could have maintain'd without him For women by Marriage expect to meliorate their condition and not to loare the Sails of their Maiden-pomp So that now enjoying his desir'd comforts he ought to let the Woman have her comforts also which she had so fairly paid for by the surrender of her person and her Portion If she have nothing certainly he Married purely out of love and affection believing there was no great felicity or comfort in this world beyond the possession of her person and then I fear me that person is forsworn every day that does not
illegitimate Touch and go Summa totalis 200 l. and a weekly Contribution of four Shillings besides Barrows Clouts Coats diminutive Shooes Sugar and Candles All things concluded in pops the light Housewife in the dark out of her close Sedan and goes for the wife of a bad Husband gone beyond Sea only the compassion of her friend is such that his charity will not let her want All this while there is no contract or bargain that will bind these Purse-sucking Bauds for the threatning to lay the Child at the door is such a terrible thunder-clap to his ears and the Jades do so haunt him that he may be truly said to live a continual slave to their necessities which must of force be a great consolation to his mind over the left Shoulder Whereas the Expences belonging to the lawful Marriage-bed bring no such vexations to the Mind as being only the occasion of mirth and jollity among the Neighborhood and gain the reputation of generosity and kindness to the Husband And thus you find the Country Farmers feast their Harvest-folks and Sheep-shearers after their work is over The endurance of pain and travel that brings advantage ought to be recompenced to the full And it is not the kind and becoming Treatment of a wife to retaliate her yearly presents of lawful Issue that can disquiet a loving Husband but the paying for a Bastard and the subjection he lives in to the concealers of his Infamy that cause a fermentation in his thoughts and make his very Life uneasie to him I had almost forgot one thing more there 's the Spiritual Court too if he have not a great care to prevent it will have a considerable fleece from his back to boot And is' t not a great comfort to a man d' ye think to stand in the face of his whole Parish and more Spectators than came to hear the Parson lapt up in a white sheet all but his face as Spirits walk by midnight and all for sporting between unlawful sheets which though two to one will never be able to wipe off the disgrace of the single shroud So great a blemish may a man receive from white as well as from charcoal black while the white sheet discovers what the white sheets were made to conceal My dear friends consider these-things THE Third Real Comfort OF Matrimony WEll and what then why when a man has got a woman within the Pale of Matrimony she is then like a Mess of Porridge And there is no man has got his dish of broth well crumm'd and season'd for his own Palate but will be very angry if another come with his long spoon to eat it up from him The most surly maintainer of Liberty and Property in the case of Matrimony will not allow those two words to associate together for assuming all the property to himself he will not admit of any liberty to the woman If a Gentleman with a Sword by his side and flaring Cravat with Fring'd Gloves be observ'd to visit his wife presently 't is look'd upon as an ill sign if he Coach her abroad 't is ten times worse for that by the custom of the City the women are never to shew their best cloaths but only on Sundays or upon solemn invitations to Burials and Christnings The Vicinity being thus in an uproar some cunning Mantissimus busie-body or other undertakes out of Good will as he call it to come and give his Neighbour prudent advice as being a young man that had not seen the world and so most gravely and right reverendly over the expence of eight brass farthings at a penny club forewarns and admonishes him of the mischiefs that hang over his head This friendly advice puts a hundred maggots into the Husbands head when Heaven knows all was well before So that if the poor man be troubled afterwards with a tingling in his ears or worms in his pate he may thank that impertinent intelligence of his officious neighbour and not his wife for it For it argues a great folly in a man not to bid such an impertinent admonitor go about his own business rather choosing to live free from tittle-tattle and to stand fair in the opinion of the flipperous Town-Flebergebits than to keep himself quiet at home by letting his wife go abroad now and then with a friend 'T is observ'd that women seldome think ill till their Husbands dream it first By trusting a woman you lay an obligation upon her by distrusting her you put her upon those little revenges which perhaps she never thought of before Thus it waâ— the great argument which the Spanish Lâ—â—â— us'd to her self that she had not done mâ—â—â— amiss to admit her Page into her Bed because she knew that her Husband was a bed with an Inn-keepers Daughter of the Town at the same time So that he whâ— keeps his wife under a causeless restraint lays the trains himself that blow up his content and then lays the fault upon Matrimony He that carries her to a Feast must be her gallant that 's indubitable But he that carries her to a Play or a Ball commits abomination and is presently to be excommunicated from the House So ready are the Mote-spiers in other peoples eyes to squander away the content and reputation of their Neighbours and yet would be the first that would complain were they so hamper'd themselves Therefore say the Doctors in Love-Affairs that a woman which is kept as it were under lock and key and made to renounce all her former acquaintance after Marriage is half gain'd and your true gamesters must generally prey where controul and tyranny are most sowre and severe But these Kinsmen you 'l say are no Kinsmen but men in the shape of Kinsmen and what ever the pretence be the design is quite another thing and the Kinsman and the wife concert together Why look ye for this 't is a general custom in England and many other places when Locks go hard to oyl ' em If the humour of a morose Husband be so stingie and rustie that it will not easily give way it must be oyl'd with fair pretence and clever invention 'T is a happiness to him that he has not Marry'd the contempt of the world but that he has a wife who deservedly merits the respect of others besides himself There is no man that has any thing of generosity but that to some and at sometimes lends out the most precious part of his wealth his Horse his silver-hilted Sword and his Guiueys to boot And is it such a piece of matter sometimes to lend out the good company and cheerful society of his wife so long as she 's safely returned again Should men be bound to confess the cheats and shams they put upon their wives when they have been potting and piping and Shovel-boarding it till twelve a clock at night and pretend they have been dunning this Knight or t'other Lady they would think it a hard case 'T
there is Well but on the other side perhaps the woman may be in no fault neither For how does she know but that they may be a company of Town-cheats that have a design to dip themselves in her Husbands Shop-book or else such a sort of wanton Canary-birds that have wheadled her Husband to give them a treatment at his house to get an opportunity to make an Intreague with his wife and therefore she does discreetly to keep out of their way and lock her self up in her Chamber That woman is highly to be commended many times that retires her self to avoid the opportunities of temptation You may be sure there 's something i' the wind when your flippetting Gallants are so desirous to go home with a man For otherwise could not he as well have given 'em a Treat A-la-mode at the Tavern as trouble his Wife with a Supper And another thing is men cannot be so merry in Womens company 't is not so proper to swear and tell bawdy stories in the presence of the Mistress of the House as when they 're among themselves Now where 's the discomfort of Matrimony because a Woman will not expose her self to the inconveniency of these perillous times But for a poor-spirited Oaf to be cowbaby'd by his Punk to let her cog and flatter out of him not only his own but the secrets of his Wife to let her be familiar with his Pockets read his Notes and Letters and understand the depth of his concernes to sit in his Chamber cursing banning plaguing and poxing his Wife to make Musick in her Ears to let her break his Pate and burn his Perriwig nay and which is worse to maintain a Strumpet under his Wives Nose in her own House and turn her out of her own Bed to make room for his imperious Harlot to let her be the Domina fac totum and Mistress of mis-rule over Wife Servants and himself and all These are the precious comforts of Whoring beloved that may be born with when the sullen look of a Wife must be reckon'd among the Fifteen Discomforts of Matrimony Most certainly such a woman lives under all the discomforts imaginable to see a ranting Concubine usurping her authority and ruling the rost within her own Territories No man can suffer any such inconveniences from the pouting and scowling of a Wife Neither are men so free from peevish and morose themselves that they should think a little doggedness in their Wives such a terrible Calamity Physicians give those Medicines which are proper for the Distemper And many times a Woman finds her Husband very costive in the Purse Now if a Husband be such a Coxe to let his Wife understand his infirmity and that a dram or two of powting will put him into a kindhearted loosness you may be sure she 'l never forgo her Probatum est I had rather a woman should frown and hang the lip then collogue and flatter for under that grass lurks the most dangerous Serpent A woman that only scowles and lowts has but one string to her bow and a little train of resolution defeats her but the cunning tongue-pad Slut like a Mole of a Gypsie undermines the very heart of a man and blows up all his constancy Sullenness is only a tryal of skill and may miss as well as hit But flattery is meer Witchcraft and unresistable Sullenness puts a man to ask the reason and many times he finds it But flattery admits of no consideration Good Government prevents sullenness but flattery is a charm against discretion THE Seventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony ANd is it possible that a woman should live so long honest with her Husband and turn drab at last However here 's but a piece of a discomfort the Scene changed exit Wife enter Devil And the cause of this is because she has taken a surfeit of Husband In this case give me leave to scratch first I think we are not to judge over-hastily of this affair All her Spring and Summer she liv'd like a Diana but toward her Autumn the leaves of her affection turn'd Fueillemot Truly in this the woman does no more than what whole Nations do I mean the Tartars and Scythians who when they have graz'd up one Country seek fresh Pastures in another She finds the heart of do their grounds and therefore lets him lie fallow a while to try if he can recover his strength You say 't is a surfeit Very good Then take this for a rule if a man have eaten Lampreys liberally for nine years together and surfeit in the tenth his Physician will not admit him to feed upon that dyet any more Surfeits are dangerous and the surfeit of a long thing with one eye may be as deadly as the surfeit of a long thing with nine eyes Change your Cock was a piece of advice once given to a Lady by a person of eminent gravity and preferment That was upon a complaint of ineffectual conjunction However good advice is not confin'd to one single Occasion Having deeply ponder'd all these considerations the Woman lays out for another convenient Mate and by good luck meets with one opens her grief and finds Compassion By the way here is a Woman griev'd and persons aggriev'd are always the Objects that Compassion is in search for As you men find by all the stories of the Seven Champions Don Bellianis of Greece the Knight of the Burning Pestle and a hundred more Now this person had been no true Knight had he stifled so noble a Virtue since it was in him as his Compassion So great a happiness it is when Grief and Compassion meet together and so glad is Compassion of doing its Office Both which centring in aliquo Tertio strangely redound to the good Fortune of the forsaken Husband that his frigidity should prove the occasion of the so lucky meeting of Grief and Compassion All which consider'd the Woman could be in no fault for she was certainly aggriev'd and Grief naturally seeks redress Nor could the Gentleman be in a fault by reason of his Charity and Generosity in relieving the distressed But you will say Vertue seeks no corner and Truth is always naked Neither do I believe but the truth of this business was as naked as you could wish or desire Why then did the woman not reveal her distress and relief to her Husband but endeavour to blind him with her flim-flam-stories and make him believe she was as honest as ever she was in her life Hold a blow there I did not tell ye the Gentleman was forc'd to do what he did and you know Charity 's a Vertue that always loves to keep her self private Perhaps her Husband had he known it would have bid the Devil take the Gentlemans Compassion and so she might have been the occasion of her Husbands cursing so great a Virtue No 't was better as ' t was For her grief had been unreliev'd and the Gentlemans Compassion had been prevented But
no fire no candle no plum-watergruel no Mistress no Maid to hold him the Chamber-pot or iâ— the wife do now and then give him a visit 't is to taunt reproach to plague and torment him worse than his diseases The Son takes ill courses and the Mother upholds him his Daughters are not suffer'd to come at him with a hundred such-like vexations and all by the Mothers contrivance This you 'll say is a very hard case but I say no but rather one of the greatest Comforts that could befalâ— him in such a Condition For the man being now neer the end of his mortal journey there is no better way to make him weary of his life and out of love with the world than by such means as these Crosses and afflictions carry a man to Heaven oftimes when prosperity makes him neglect the care of his Souls health Which the Woman having heard at Church takes that provident care to put him upon those Contemplations which are most proper for his condition She gives him the poportunity to consider that he has liv'd long enough in this world when his wife and children grow weary of him And therefore what should I be troubled quo he to leave these Trivial Comforts that am going to enjoy greater Felicities Thereupon the man falls to reading if he want a candle to his Meditations fits and prepares himself makes his peace with Heaven and so defying the world dies like another Cato Whereas were the woman dutiful loving indulgent always lamenting his departure wringing her hands grieving weeping blubbering and crying out What shall poor I do what shall these poor Orphans do if God take thee away my onely joy their only comfort in this world And then they all fall a howling though there be ten of 'um like so many young puppies shut out of doors in a frosty night These things strike so piercingly to his heart that the Gout and the Stone are but the nips of a Flea to what he feel there and causes such a dissipation of alâ— his Heavenly thoughts that the man devours all the Cawdles and Ambergrease-Possets that his kind wife brings him swallows whole ounces at a time of Syrrup of Marsh-Mallows and Oyl of sweet Almonds to prolong his Aches and his Misery dispatches away his Billets to Church for the Prayers of the Congregation sends for the Parson of the Parish to comfort him up with the story of Ezekiah sends for the Doctor and asks him is there no cure have all Drugs and Herbs lost their Virtue Then cryes the woman For Heavens sake Doctor do what ye can I am undone if my poor Husband dies never had woman a more kind and tender Husband never had Children a more careful and indulgent Father I 'm sure Then 't is the mans cue Ay wife indeed thou hast been always to me a dear and loving wife and my children I bless God for it have been dutiful obedient children and I would fain live a little longer to see 'um grow up and well disposed in the world if the Lard saw it fit And thus these Dialogues of Lamentation do so mollifie the poor man's heart and so bewitch him with a desire of Life that at length Death surprizes him altogether unrepentant On the other side the woman that leaves her Husband alone though men are never less alone than when alone gives him all the opportunity that can be to employ his thoughts in Heavenly and seasonable Meditations allows him time to recollect and repent him of his sins and keeping him from Pothecaries slops gives the diseases leisure to dispatch their business without opposition The woman has more kindness for her Husband than to see him in pain well knowing what an impertinent and silly thing Pity is Or to let a simple Doctor run away with half a childs Portion for ridiculous Receipts when the money may be so well spar'd to the good of her Husbands Soul Is it not better for a man to die quietly taking time and solitary leisure than to be pester'd with continual visits and to have his Family stand Lowbelling over his gasping Iungs and distracting him with their yelling and howling when he is going to sleep Therefore says the truly prudent and kind woman when a man begins to grow out of date let him be well brush't and laid up THE Tenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony TO be short Mrs Betty has been Moulding of Cockle-bread and her Mother discovers it However though the Daughter have got a By-blow in her Belly the Mother has got a fool in her eye that shall make all whole again quickly Well quoth she and who can help what will away Thereupon she gives her Daughter instructions she takes 'em the fool comes on the fool 's fool'd away they post to for better for worse and so the job's done But with a pox to 't here 's the disaster she has not been Marry'd above five Months but coming home at night her gull'd Husband finds a Leveret in his Chamber not dreaming that some women kindle twice a year Now what of all this some men love to open their Oysters themselves others care not for that drudgery Force your ground and you shall have forward Pease by the latter end of April and treatment-Cheries against May-day Early Fruit's a rarity And the Law 's positive of his side the Bantling's no Bastard Some men lye fumbling five or six years together and loose all their labour he 's admired for the fertility of his Codpiece The Maids in Scotland will marry a man to choose out of the stool of Repentance for then they find he has been try'd 'T is a hundred pound to a Hazle-nut he was no Maid himself when he Married her Come come my Masters the sawce for the Goose is sawce for the Gander 'T is a fair Opporunity to send for his own from Nurse and so let 'em go for Castor Pollux Was there never such a prank plaid i' the world before Yes nor won't be the last Solamen miseris He 's a fool that counts his Chickens before they be hatcht but when he sees 'em pecking their Oatmeal 'T is good to be sure says the proverb and nothing so sure as the Lowse in bosome For my part I think 't is extreamly well as 't is for now having enjoy'd her stollen pleasures before Mariage she 'l the less desire them afterwards Now suppose the Child had been cleaverly conveyed out of the House i' the dark and the vvife sent after vvho could have knovvn but that his vvife lay in in the Country and there is no Lavv nor no necessity that a man should begin the age of his Child from the Birth but vvhen he sees convenient But here comes the confounded comfort of this Matrimony For notvvithstanding all these grave and solid admonitions this same young Hairbrains of a Husband must needs be running to Doctors Commons vvith his tale of a tub there 's nothing vvill serve him but a
Divorce forsooth there he proves the Milch Covv and not his vvife For after all they tell him 't is natural for the hedge Sparrovv to hatch the Cuckovvs eggs and there 's no Divorce to be had Hovvever this makes a hubbub in thevvorld report alvvays spreading like the circles that Children make i' the water with their Ducks and Drakes And thus having exposed himself to the world through his own folly he becomes the derision of the Neighbourhood not by the occasion of Matrimony Nor is the woman to be blam'd for taking pepper i' the nose to see a Nickapoop revealing the secrets of his wife to his own ignominy and her own shame For had the thing been kept private and this one single slip passed by which was a matter of fact before he could lay any claim to her she might have prov'd to him the best wife i' the world And thus men bring their misfortunes upon their own heads because they can neither managetheir business prudently themselves nor let others do it for ' em Like the Pedler that would not let his wife be turn'd into a Mule because he did not like the setting on of the Tail For the Pedlars wife seeing her Husband had but one Mule and hearing of an Artist that could turn a woman into a Mule by day change heragain into a woman at night quoth she to her Husband if I could be a Mule by day and a woman by night I could assist your Mule in the day-time and you in the Night-time and we might grow rich Thereupon the man was content she should send for the Artist The Practitioner came and was willing the Pedler should see all things done First the woman was ordered to put off all her Cloaths Smock and all then she was to posture her self upon all four like the Beggar with his Hand-pattins after that the Artist stroak'd her all over with a certain Oyntment which was to produce the hair with another Oyntment he sleeked up her Ears All this the Pedler lik'd well enough But when he came to put on the Tayl the Pedler would by no means endure that the Tayl should be put on but cry'd out he 'd have a Mule without a Tayl and so spoil'd the whole design Thus if men will be the occasion of their Misfortunes by their own wilfulness they must thank themselves and not impute it to the ill effects of Matrimony For I appeal to all the world whether Matrimony could be the cause of this Womans loosing her Maiden-head before she was married And as for the Man if it were his Fortune to marry such a one he took her for better for worse and so without noise or hurly-burly he must take her as he finds her THE Eleventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony BUt what think ye of a Shrew the best woman in nature There 's no woman like her she 's a Paragon she makes a man both Poet and Philosopher A Combat between an Amazon with her Ladle and Potlid and the Knight of the Basting-ladle is a Theam for a second Homer And then she makes a man a Philosopher for she exercises one of the noblest of his Vertues his Patience For which reason Socrates accounted one of the wisest Philosophers of his Age marry'd a notorious Scold on purpose The greatest Naturalists tell us that Beasts are not subject to anger because they are Beasts Onely Men and Women are subject to anger as being the most excellent of Creatures If then the more angry the more excellent Scolds must be the more excellent than men as being more angry Men could not defend their Prince and Country not assail their Enemies without anger nor women defend their peculiar Territories Rights and Priviledges without Scolding By that means women fetch their Husbands from their Pot-companions at Ale-houses and Taverns burn the Cards knock the Cribbidge-board about their ears and ring 'em those peals which their sloth and laziness justly deserve Were it not for storms and tempests the Ocean it self would forget it were a Sea and condense into dry land Thunder clears the air and thundring women dissipate the excesses of their Husbands Scolds are the Imitatrix's of Nature and supply those passions of the Middle Region which men want So that when you call Man a Microcosm you must take the Scolds in or else the Structure nor the Simile is compleat Juno the chiefest of all the Goddesses was a perfect shrew For which reason they sacrifis'd Hogs upon her Altars a creature that makes the most abominabie noise in nature How did she persecute Jupiter with continual scolding for his kindness to the Trojans she not only scolded her self but set all the Elements too a scolding at 'um the winds roar'd the skies rattled the Sea bellow'd in such a violent manner that Virgil's hair stood an end Tanta ne animis Coelestibus ira Could the Goddesses be such shrews so cruelly to persecute such an honest godly man as Aenaeas What! always Sweet-heart and Dear No Rogue and Rascal sometimes does well and a good thwack o' the shoulders comes seasonably when a man is so drunk that he can hardly feel it Virgil says Anger is the Spur of Virtue Who then more virtuous than Scolds the most angry of Mortals A gang of Crack-ropes had got an honest simple fellow once and made him believe that for so much money they would carry him to a place where he should find a stone that would make him invisible the credulous goose agrees and goes with 'um and to be sure of the stone picks up all the stones that were likest to what they had describ'd till he had laden himself so that he was hardly able to move As soon as he had done his Companions call him pretending not to see him he makes no answer thereupon they conclude him invisible and going before take such order that none of his acquaintance should take notice of him in the street if they met him But when he came home his wife gave him such a rally for letting Dinner be spoil'd that he threw down his stones and ran in great heat to call his Companions Knaves and Cheats for abusing him And thus you see what a deliverance this man had by his wives scolding There never was but one Devil that came upon Earth to marry and a Scold hunted him back to his old quarters in the Devils name Had it not been for a Scold what a mixt race should we have been pester'd with half Devil half Man worse than we are already Another thing is there 's seldom any deceit or sly cunning in a Scold They are too open-hearted they will be heard with a witness and care not who hear's ' um And this makes greatly for the support of Scolding that the Poets so highly commend Proserpina for a good woman for if Scoolding were a vexation the Devil would certainly have had a scolding wife since we hear of no other torments missing in Hell Where is
there more scolding than at Billingsgate and yet where more love and friendship Those very women that you saw engag'd tongues and nails but just now you shall see the next moment bubbing together like sworn sisters The Amazons were certainly very great Scolds of all the women in the world yet they were the only remarkable women for great atchievements There Gorge thy self with the blood which thou hast so long thirsted for said that Scold of an Amazon Tomiris when she threw Cyrus's head into a great wash-bowl of blood What could any Scold have utter'd more bitter and venomous Hercules did several wonderful Actions kill'd Boars and Lyons but Omphale pull'd down his mettle and made him glad to spin with her maids Come Sirrah quo she spin or I 'll knock the distaff about your shag-pate and so he was forc'd to wet his thumb and go to work Now he that will deny Omphale to be a Scold let him prove the contrary Nature has provided for every particular Creature a peculiar self-defence bristles for the Hedge-hog tushes for the Boar quills for the Porcupine and a tongue for Women Which they who best know how to brandish make the best use of nature's allow'd defence I question whether the Fish-wife made that use of her tongue which she ought to have done that suffer'd the Pothecary to slap her bare arse with her own Flounders Yet so violent was the pursuit of the rest that had he not immediately taken Sanctuary for ought I know he might have lost a cheek But now as to men I say a scolding wife has this peculiar vertue to exercise one of the noblest of his Virtues his patience Therefore when Socrates brought home his friends to Supper with him and they were something troubl'd to see his wife play the Devil with two sticks throw the meat about the Room and over-turn the Table bid 'um consider that tame creatures were not always without their faults and yet we pass'd them by much less were we to take notice of the extravagant And another gave Philosopher informs us that we must bear with and endure not blame what cannot be avoided So then a scolding wife is to be born with and not blam'd You shall find among the Proverbial Poetry a hundred Exhortations to suffer and patiently endure afflictions vexations tribulations or by whatever other term you please to call the misfortunes of men and our own Mothers frequently teach us That what can't be cur'd must be endur'd that Patience is a Virtue And the French-men tell ye He who wants Patience has nothing What signifie all these Golden Instructions and admonitions of our fore Fathers or how should we put them in practise where should a husband have an opportunity to shew the height and expose the quintessence of his Patience if it were not for womens scolding Take away Scolding the Cause and ye take away Patience the Effect presently and so ye lose the Hog Patience for the hapoth o'Tar Scolding A man is not bound to live in a steeple among Bells for the exercise of his Ears when he can hear a noise as loud or louder at home Thus much for Patience Now for the Antiquity of Scolding which is a very great University-argument Simonides that liv'd under Darius Hystaspis above 3000 years ago tells us that Jupiter made nine sorts of women of which one sort he made out of the Sea-water And that therefore they were sometimes calm and smooth of disposition at other times nothing but tempest and whirlwind there 's no withstanding their fury So wonderful and so boysterous is the storm that the Steers-man of the House is forc'd to quit the Helm and commit himself to the mercy of the Hurricane Now these must certainly be Scolds And in Juvenals time Scolding was grown to that height that one single woman would be loud enough to wake the Moon out of an Eclipse But what will you say if we prove Scolding to be a part of Love it self and that we shall do from the comparisons appertaining to Love For Love is compared to flames and fire which you see how they rage sometimes yet embrace every thing that they devoure What can be more like such a conflagration than Scolding Like your vixen Schoolmasters that when they are thrashing a boys buttocks still cry Corrigote non quod odi te sed quod amem te Then again Love is compar'd to a Lightning which is nothing but the brushing of the two Thunder-clouds together and striking fire at the same time Like which Lightnings are the glitterings and sparklings of a Scolds eyes to shew that the thunder of her anger is not without the Emblems of affection in the seats of Love By way of Application then since there is no man that can be perfectly happy in this life but that he must meet vvith rubs and jumps in the Bovvling-green of this vvorld and that nothing more shevvs a man to be a true Philosopher than patience vvhich he can never exercise unless he meet vvith an opportunity there can no real discontent arise from the occasion that gives him that opportunity to shew himself both a Man and a Philosopher 'T is Heroical to suffer and Heroical Actions alvvays breed an invvard pleasure and satisfaction And therefore he that dyes Matrimonies Martyr has no reason to blame his vvise that is the occasion of such a noble Inscription upon his Monument And therefore the Yorkshier Knight did ill that pull'd out his Ladies teeth to keep her from Scolding For how could she keep her Tougue betvveen her Teeth vvhen he had torn up the fence THE Twelfth Real Comfort OF Matrimony I Agree w' ye 't is the general complaint men do not love to be Cuckolds But yet I fear me these complaints smell too much of partiality For there 's not one man in five thousand that cares to be confin'd himself Why then should that be a trouble to a man that always was still is and ever will be 'T is sufficient that a man be a Roman Catholick in his opinion concerning his wife and pin his faith upon her sleeve A woman that never lay with any other man but her own Husband in her life might set up for one of the greatest Doctresses about the Town For you shall find a story in Herodotus that Phero perhaps Pharaoh the Son of Sesostris was struck blind and so continu'd for ten years The next year he sent to consult the Oracle by which he was answer'd That if he wash'd his eyes with a womans water that had never known any man but her own Husband he should recover his sight You may be sure a Prince would spare for no cost nor no search in such a condition However he try'd his own wife first but alas her water vvould do no feats Hovv many several vvomens vvaters he try'd aftervvards Heaven knovvs but the number vvas infinite At length vvhen he vvas almost in despair he met vvith one vvomans vvater that
matter Why the Woman 's a meer Tyger for jealousie And what can be more irksome to a man than to live under the yoak of Tyrannical suspition His goings out and comings in are dog'd and trac'd like a Hare i' the snow Where ha' you been to day What you ha' been to visit the Taylors Wife I see by your hang-dog countenance But I shall pull the eyes of her out at one time or other I hear of your Pranks I do but I 'le spoil your swan-hopping i'faith And when he comes to pay his nocturnal Tribute No no get ye gone where you have been all this day I 'll ha' none o' your Gilflurts leavings And this is a great inconveniency of Matrimony that gives him no rest But such men not that your jealous women are the only kind Wives in the world 'T is not on t of anger that they chime so loud i' their husbands ears nor out of disrespect or neglect of Duty that they tell him his own but out of pure love and affection The Woman would ne're have been at the price of a halter to hang her husband that was to be executed and carried it the Sheriff her self but that she was jealous lest her Husband should escape the punishment of his Sin Where jealousie is absent there can be no real Love Jealousie is the Conditement that preserves Love as Sugar preserves Pears and Plums 'T is the Dog and Bell that keeps blind Love i' the right way Jealousie is the Argos that watches the unruly and wandring footsteps of scaperloytring Leachery And therefore men are discontented murmur at the jealousie of their Wives as little Children hate the Chyrurgeon that cures 'um of a Fistula i' their Tails because he hurts ' um The first Condescentions of women are but the beginning of Love but Jealousie compleats and perfects their affection For unless a woman lov'd her Husband why should she be angry that another should enjoy him 'T is a sign she 's ambitious of her husbands Affection when she envies all others that she thinks have any share with her and a demonstration that she preserves her chast embraces entirely for her Husband A loving Mother is always brooding in her thoughts over her absent Infant and still supicious of the miscarriages of a Neglectful Nurse In like manner what can be more kind and obliging than a wife that keeps a continual watch and guard over the safety and preservation of her Husband well knowing how many traps and baits that Harlot Pleasure lays up and down in every corner for Mouse-like men that are ready to snap at the toasted cheese of every loose and vain affection The Surgeon that boasted that he had Nuts of Priapus's enow the spoils of venereal Combats to button a Leaguer-Cloak gives a woman sufficient warning to be careful of her husbands ware It shews a woman has a true value for her self when she scornes to be out â—ival'd These Maximes the Town-Misses are not ignorant of and therefore count themselves then best belov'd and are best satisfi'd when their Paramours brook no Copartnership in their Chamber-Practice In them jealousre is applauded by their wanton Admirers and why not in a Wife whose care is much more tender and cordial Thus a jealous Wife takes care of the main Chance and a Man has the same reason to be oftended at a jealous Wife as at an honest servant who takes care to keep himself sober when he finds his Master resolv'd to be drunk THE Fourteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony AY that 's fine musick for a Husband indeed for his Wife to lye hickupping a Bed as if she were ongaging her stomack to give her Husband a Pillowposset He is then in a bodily fear in truth when he finds her breath inflam'd with Brandy and is afraid every moment of being burnt in his bed For I have heard of a woman than has set her self on fire and been burnt to death with swallowing a Snap-dragon And yet in such a Wife there is both pleasure and content For they say that Women are generally most kind in their cups and kindness in a Wife is one of the chiefest things which the Husband expects from Matrimony Lovers are pleas'd to see Babies in their Mistresses eyes but when his wife becomes all Looking-glass where can he more delight to behold his own failings Which if they be failings he has the advantage thereby to dress and reform his own ill manners first and then hers afterwards What greater pleasure can a man have than to fuddle with his own Wife or what greater kindness can she fhew him then to fit foot to foot with him at the Tavern 'T is like drinking on a Sunday in Sermon-time with the Church-warden and Constable of the Parish in company Or if a man have a mind to be rid of his Wife let him not suffer her to disgrace him by the revail way of only a quartern at time from the Stillers Shop but let him extend his kindness like the Taylor i' the Strand let her toss off her Noggins by whole-sale let the Brandy-Firkin stand by her bed-side Now that Women have as much right to drink Wine as well as men is plainly demonstrable from this That the Poet assures us that Bacchus was both Female as well as Male and perform'd the greatest part of his Conquests by the assistance of women of which Sex the chiefest part of his Armies consisted His Nurses too the Pleiades were notable Topers you may be sure for they spill their Liquour to this day and are the certain forerunners of rain and fowl weather when they rise in an ill humour Then who were to be trusted with the Religious rites and worship ascrib'd to this carowsing Deity but women And whether they were not notable Bowsers you may easily guess by their Horse-play Ceremonies But now Heaven's bless us what a crime is it for a woman to drink a glass of wine But let us consider I beseech ye one thing more There 's an old proverb In vino veritas the Cup never lyes Whence we infer that Fuddle-coyf wives always speak truth I promise ye then I think that man has no reason to be discontented that has such a precious Jewel for you know that all other women are not to be believed although they be dead Oh! but you 'l say Fudling women are apt to miscarry i' their drink To which I answer that though I might tell ye more Women miscarry when they are sober than when they are Tipsie yet I will onely blame the Husdand for that who ought to take the more care of her knowing her disposition 'T is a thing that looks ill in men not to take care of their friends in their drink but suffer 'em to reel home i' the dark and moyl themseves in the kennel and therefore to neglect women the weaker vessels when they have been a little over-indulgent to nature is a Soloecism in a Husband that justly deserves
of all his fears jealousies and disturbances How many men are there that curse their wives tayls which if the women have a faculty to play away there 's a fair riddance of the mens discontent But I must tell ye the fear of a Wives playing away her tayl is an idle thing 'T is true she may be forced to stake it sometimes but then though she should fortune to loose yet she wins by the bargain But on the t'other side how many men are there that will loose their own Arses and let a woman drain their Pockets as dry as a clean-swept East-India ship for the favour of a little smugling or the commodiousness of access to their snowie white breasts And then again a man does not consider that a Woman addicted to gaming minds no other pleasure she sits squeezing her things and her buttocks and will hardly stir from her chair to piss much less to mind any other Fegaries A man may conclude his wife safe when she is once got to her Cards And it is a happiness that one game spoyls another The Lydians were a notable people and these notable people the Lydians were the first that invented Cards and Dice And the reason was to keep their wives from other sports which they thought more to their prejudice For after Candaules the King of the Country had put the Lydian Women agog by shewing his wife stark naked to his friend Gyges they were all mad and bawl'd at their Husbands that they might be shewn naked too every one believing her self to be as handsome as the Queen Ay. quoth the men we 'll find ye other divertisement and so setting 'em to Cards and Dice lay'd their animosities presently asleep The love of gaming where it once gets the victory has such an attractive force that there is no charm of power sufficient to controul it It keeps women even from Play-Houses the Nurseries of Hoity toyty Imaginations it keeps 'em from Lectures and polluting the Church with unsanctify'd thoughts Nay the very consolation of having Tib and Tom in her hand shall cause her to contemn the disappointment of the most solemnly-engaged assignation that ever woman made while the impatient lover makes many a weary step in the Templerounds vainly expecting her that is as fast at buying stocks as the Knights of Jerusalem i' their Graves On the other side if the wife be so happy as to make Fortune her friend and some are so beholding to the slippery Jade that you would swear she went snips then it rains Guineys in that house The pot boyls upon the score of Lantraloo-luck Teal Widgeons and fat Capons are the Trophies of victorious Gleek the Triumphs of Back-gammon excuse the charges of the Fring'd Petticoat and many times the man too has his share in the taking present of a Point-Cravat Many are the blessings that attend the owner of a she-Gamester She is always quiet never out of humour She is always patient always contented never lowres never scolds never pouts for her heart rides at anchor in the Serene harbour of inward ease and joy Is she at play never disturb her she 's then moving in the proper Sphere of her own delight The Dolphin that had such a love for a Child that he came every morning to the shoar and carried him over an arm of the Sea to School with his breakfast in his hand could never have been so serviceable to the Lad had he been taken out of his own Element When a Woman is peaceable and quiet and well 't is a madness to disturb her Wasps never sting but when they are unwarily provok'd A game can never be well manag'd without prudence foresight circumspection and policy Seeing then that a Woman who is a good Gamester cannot be without all these good Qualities it is a certain sign that he who has a good Gamester to his wife has a Woman so qualifi'd And who can think it a discomfort to him to have a woman polish'd with so many rare endowments By playing the King they learn to govern by playing the Queen they learn to obey by playing Tib and Tom they understand the inconveniency of putting too much power into the hands of Servants And stories furnish us with several examples of great Generals that have practis'd the Game at Chesse meerly to instruct themselves in the Art of War in Stratagem and Surprize and the methods of Embattelling and encountring the Enemy But suppose she looses all she plays for Then she cannot be thought to have all these good qualities before mention'd What then yet she is still bidding fairly for 'um still upon the purchase of 'um so that if she miss of her aim 't is the unkindness of Fortune not her fault And bought wit is always said to be the best And now how would you have 'um spend their time you 'd have 'um spin I warrant Yes and sit wetting their thumbs till they grow as lean with exhausting their radical moisture as one of the three fatal Sisters A fine posture indeed to sit all day long as if they were twisting the thread of their Husbands life You 'd have her mind the Brat i' the Cradle as if it were not far more noble and gentile to turn up a good jolly Trump than a bawling Bastards shitten stinking tail Nor is the loss so great neither for what a woman loses in gaming she saves in hous-hould-expences in Coaches Spring-Gardens and Plays in Balls and night-Rambles so that none may be better term'd a Houswife than she as being always at home receiving visits seldom making any for where the Carkass is there the Eagles gather together A man is not crucifi'd with the tormenting thoughts where or with whom his wife should be at this or that unseasonable time of the Night A terrible affliction to those that continually dream of cornuting Suppose she lose her Cloaths from her back Then her Husband is sure to find her a bed till she get a recruit No question but it is a great vexation to a Woman to lose and a great toyl to be always labouring for a dead Horse However it is much more convenient that she should fret her self than vex her Husband The Parson that lov'd gaming better than his eyes made a good use of it when he put up his Cards in his Gown-sleeve for haste when the Clerk came and told him the last Stave was a singing 'T is true that in the height of his reproving the Parish for their neglect of holy Duties upon the throwing out of his zealous arm his Cards dropt out of his sleeve and flew about the Church What then He bid one boy take up a Card and ask'd him what it was the boy answerered the King of Clubs Then he bid another boy take up another Card. What was that the Knave of Spaedes Well quo he now tell me who made ye The boy could not well tell Quo he to the next Who redeem'd ye That was
The Womens Advocate Or FIFTEEN Real COMFORTS OF Matrimony BEING In requital of the late Fifteen SHAM-COMFORTS WITH Satyrical Reflections on Whoring And the Debauchery of this Age. Written by a Person of QUALITY of the FEMALE SEX The Second Edition LONDON Printed for Benjamin Alsop at the Angel and Bible and Thomas Malthus at the Sun in the Poultry 1683. TO THE Injur'd LADIES NO upon my word Ladies 't was neither Favour nor Affection nor Flattery nor Fear but something I know not what You may if you please call it Conscience and something of Gratitude for favours formerly received amongst you as being one of the same Sex And these two things would not let me be at quiet hearing ye so odly abus'd and scandaliz'd and daily reproach'd by those that were ten times worse than your selves that is to say Men. For these Men have got a trick to lay all the weight and burthen of their fears jealousies discontents disquiets their running in Debt their Breaking all upon the womens backs and Matrimony too must be arraign'd for their sakes But when we came to bring both to the Bar of Reason and weighed the Miscarriages of both the one against the other the Mens Scale was so heavy you could hardly lift it The Womens so light that you could hardly feel it And therefore for these Manichaeans to bespatter Matrimony for the Womens sake is such a folly of Men that the Women too severely labour under it Now then I would have the Men be so ingenuous for reparation of injuries so long done the Female Sex as to resign the Government of the World for a while to the Women considering that we are not without examples of Heroesses that have govern'd Empires and Kingdoms with that Fame and Renown which has made 'em live to this present Age. For example there was Semiramis that did wonders and not only preserv'd but enlarg'd her Husbands Dominions Zenobia Queen of Assyria famous in her generation Thomyris that not only defeated but cut off Cyrus's Head To these we may add the Queen of Sheba Penthesilea Amalasuntha Queen of the Ostrogoths And of latter times the great Mogul had a Mistress who having wrought her self into the affections of the Emperour besought him to let her have her will so far that he would lay aside his own Imperial Dignity for four and twenty hours and suffer her to exercise his own absolute Dominion for that time To which the Emperour condescending she made such good use of her short season that the story says she did more good in that four and twenty hours than the Emperour had done in all his Reign before So that 't is plain that Women can do strange things if they were let alone And truly one would think the Men could never have a better opportunity to put their Project in practice than now while women resemble 'em so much in their Habits in their Swashes their Justicoars and Wastcoats their short Hair and Perriwigs which in a short time will easily bring 'em to Breeches and Coats which is the only thing they want However Ladies you must be very cautious in bringing this affair about For Men are now-a-days grown such splitters of hairs that at down-right Swearing they 'l be too hard for ye Nor would I have you take for your Example the Sicilian Vespers I would not have you Massacre them all in one night but you may if you please bind 'um all one night and then seize upon their Maces and their Caps of Maintenance make sure of the Bankers their Fur Gowns and their Trapt Horses but above all their Shops which the better to bring about you must endeavour to Libel 'em and put the world out of conceit with 'em nay to make them jealous one of another and to lay 'em as open as they have laid you And that 's the work of this Treatise which you are to con and get without-book that you may be able to pay your murmuring repining complaining ill-natur'd Husbands your domineering spend-thrifts and by-hole-hunters in their own coyns And who knows what a benefit this may be to the world For certainly a general peace must ensue all Quarrels about Religion shall be at an end Taverns shall go down and cease to plague us with their intoxicating Bruages Gunsmiths and Powder-men may go hang themselves And then for Bawdy-houses there would not be one left in the Nation And would not this be a blessed Reformation Well Ladies go on and prosper and when you come into your Kingdom remember Vostre Bonne Aime Tres-humble Servante THE First Real Comfort OF Matrimony MAtrimony is like a good hedge about a piece of Pasture it keeps a Man from treading over my ground Or if any Swash-buckler will be so eager after his game as to break my Quick-set and ride over my Corn a pedibus ambulando presently lays him by the heels for his daring presumption Then again a Woman is like a House the Law gives a man a Lease of her and he that takes a Lease of a House is bound to keep the Tenement in repair If she happen to be with Child she is like a Ship and then she never looks so handsome as when she is compleatly rigg'd and trim'd He that Courts a young Lady neat and fashionable in her habit does ill if he intend not to maintain her afterwards in the same Garb. He must be no other than one of those pitiful muck-worms that go all day with their Collars unbutton'd that lowres at the finer and more curious Dress of his Wife as if neatness and cleanliness belong'd only to Maids and slattern carelesness to Wives whereas neat and trim and tite are the Mark of good-Huswifery loose and tawdrie the sign of a Curtesan All the while a man is woing he loves to see every thing in print every thing proper and well adjusted about his Mistress but when they have got 'em once home and the Portion is paid then let the straws and the feathers stick upon their Gowns t is not a pin matter Nothing more delights the eye than Beauty but let a handsome draggle-tail come in sight and they cry Fair and sluttish What a pleasant comfort a man has of a wife that wallows about the house in her slip-shooes and her Linnen smelling like sowre Milk Therefore 't is a womans love to her Husband that she is so earnest with him for fine Cloaths that she may be the more grateful acceptable to his sight And what can be a greater comfort of Wedlock than the Love of a Wife A thing that they who want would purchase at any rate Diamonds never shew their Value but when they are apparell'd in Gold and then they are admir'd by all Proper attire and becoming dress are the life of Beauty And more than this every one knows 't is not every mans luck to have a handsome beautiful Wife some are pretty well some are but so so and some by my
give her more than she demands There is a story in Machiavel that a little before his time the Divel came upon earth to choose him a wife and that at length he found one out to his mind and marry'd her but that among all the plagues with which she tormented him there was none more put him to his plunges being at a certain allowance from the grand master of Hell than her Expences What 's this to the purpose this is but one single instance and one Swallow does not make a summer It may be the Devil met with his match But we are not to bring a general accusation against Marriage for the follies of a few Commend old stern Cato to the Female Sex He was their friend in a corner and said that he that gave them offence was to be prosecuted with as much vehemence as he that violated the Images of the Goddesses We grant that some women may be extravagant and lavish but set the Hares foot to the Goose giblets compare the good that they do with their little extravagancies and see which surmount We do not presently wring off a hens neck for breaking a Venice-glass because we expect she should lay us more eggs and hatch us more Chickens of twice the value Neither does it follow because a woman is a little expensive in Cloaths that she may not be chaste vertuous and in other things sufficiently frugal too there is a frugality in expence and that frugal expence it is that scatters the Coyn of a Nation which hoarded up does no body no good Wives are not impos'd upon men but chosen and he is a fool and betrays his own folly too in lamenting an act of his own of which he can never repent but in vain But she louts and pouts she mumbles and grumbles all day and at night turns tayl abed and won't let him unless and all the reason in the world For the wealth of a Family ought to be common to both And therefore a wife has just cause to be offended and to shew her disgust if the Husband deny her that which she has as much right to bestow on her self as he has to give her He denies her her due and she denies him his So that in this case 't is not the effect of Matrimony but his own peevish injustice that occasions his disquiet For take away the cause the effect ceases But she demands more than his Estate will produce He toyls and moyls and runs and goes and labours and sweats and takes care yet nothing will content her Those things should have been concerted at first However 't is a sign she had rather have it by fair than by foul means rather from him than from another Otherwise had she a design to be supply'd another way she would never trouble him If it be true which he says that she does really overcharge him has he not the law in his own hands But this is the mischief on 't all men desire rich wives and when they have them know no bounds of moderation at first but spend as if they thought the bag had no bottom The woman as she finds it at first believes the same Golden age will still continue So that when she comes to be stinted and finds the suddain alteration no wonder she takes it impatiently as one that not having seen the accompt Stated cannot be perswaded she has had her share in the dissipation of her Fortune Better it were then that men should seek out wives suitable to their condition and not run prolling after great Fortunes not regarding the fitness of the person for their society and employment but the largeness of the Portion let her be otherwise Prodigal or Slut or what she will The Boarding-Schools are ransackt the Prerogative-Office rumag'd fom one end to the other and if they hear of a prey all the Arts and Inventions of the Devil Midwives Nurses Chambermaids and other suttle instruments of Insinuation and temptation are set at work to ensnare the poor unthinking Gentlemoman And what comes on 't if the intelligence were real Law-suits Prosecutions and Divorces If not quiet possession the womans friends overjoy'd they are rid of her and when all comes to all both cheated Then after the heat is a little over the main business begins to be scann'd inquiry is made tip-toe expectations on both sides But when the lame discovery comes limping out then how is the darling of his Soul cursed and bann'd and the Match-maker damn'd and the deaf Devil invok'd to take 'em both But there is no remedy the Thumb is ring'd that must not long enjoy that golden Hoop and so the deluded Couple consume away in unpaid-for Lodgings and the poor Chandlers debt Sometimes two grave Beard-stroakers meet with their Legem-pone Law and at length conclude a Match by way of bargain and sale and so the young Couple are at last marryed by Indenture But if any inconveniences arise from these corruptions of Matrimony they are not to be lookt upon as the discomforts of lawful Wedlock but as the puulshments of rash and greedy riot or the long experienc'd inconveniences of Smithfield barter But lawful Matrimony which is the effect of choice and mature consideration of the mutual temper and affection of both parties that 's the true Matrimony that seldome misses the end it aims at where differences between Husband and Wife like discords in Musick render the harmony of their society more sweet and delectable and where those little quarrels about new Gowns and Petticoats do but whet the Appetite or else awak'n the slumbring kindness of the Husband As for stealing of Fortunes and tolling of wives in the Market they are Matches generally of Monsieur Satans making and therefore if they be accompani'd with ruine and misfortune 't is no great wonder For Vertue Honour Chastity Diligence good Education are the chief Dowrie to be lookt after in a wife And for such let them wear Tissue if they desire it and they 'l never desire it if it may not be afforded them THE Second Real Comfort OF Matrimony BUt the Charge does not end it seems in this there are other Expences of another nature Stratagems and Collusions of Gossips one among another that make the poor mans night-cap sit uneasie And this Expence is of a long continuance from the first Quickning to the last ceremony of Churching But here give me leave to tell ye beloved that if there be any discomfort in Marriage 't is the woman that feels it and not the man The rolling and tumbling of the little Embryo twinges her every moment the qualms of breeding run through every vein of her body more particularly affecting the Stomach and occasioning that squeamish niceness of Appetite that requires a more curious and agreeable nourishment and refreshment as well for the Infant as the Breeding woman Nature also busie in the framing of a new Creature produces strange operations in Female fancy which if it
be not satisfi'd with the enjoyment of those objects which it has fix'd upon is the occasion many times of great detriment to the Mother by frequent Miscarriage and great disfigurement to the Child And then is time for a woman to try the affection of her Husband who must be thought very unkind to venture the life of his dearest Consort for the want of two or three plump Partridges or the corner of a Venison Pastie It would be a mercy unseasonably shewn to his new shoes or the soles of his feet to grutch the trudging though it were ten miles a foot to obtain so slight a satisfaction to a tender wife suffering for the sake of his own pleasure Certainly if there be any content in the delicacy of Viands that happiness is enhanc'd and a man can have no greater comfort in Matrimony than to feast and junket with his wife his best Companion and his dearest friend It is but an ordinary piece of gratitude to indulge the Palate of a teeming woman and to alleviate the throws of Conception and Maturation with the slender gratification of a few kick-shaws knowing how great the return of the fruit which she bears will be at the end of her time If nothing less will serve her than a wash-bowl of Claret if she has a mind to confound a whole Sive of Kentish Cherries or to deprive a roasting Pig of his Ears and gnaw them off upon her knees from the spit where 's the discomfort of Matrimony in all this There 's ne'r a man in the world that cares to see his Daughter depriving her sweet-heart of his full kiss by reason of the piece wanting in her hare-lip Or to see a red spot over-spreading his Sons check as if Nature had wrapt him up in a natural Scarlet for a continual pain in the Gums And all this for want of a pitiful forty shillings-worth of green pease in April Men never consider the Crowns and Angels they throw away in their pot-revelling and Healthing it at the Tavern their Collations at the Rummer with Salmon and old Hock their Hashes and Potages at the Bear in Birchin-lane while they grudge the poor Teeming woman at home under the affliction of their Nocturnal satisfaction the bare solace of a single Cony and a penny white-loaf Oh! but then there must be a new Alkove with a deep Silk Fringe there must be a Scarlet Satten Mantle for the new-born Babe with a broad gold and silver bone-lace there must bea Court-Cupboard cover'd with Tankards and Caudle-cups of Goldsmiths work and then the Gossips come in in shoales and devour like Aethiopian Locusts There must be Neats-Tongues and Westphalia Hams piles of Oranges and Lemmons and Mountains of Woodstreet Plum-cakes Neither must the French and Spanish Juyces be wanting to wash these sorrows from their Female Hearts The women prate and chat and tattle too and give ill Counsel and bad Instructions They discover by what means and ways they obtained it what an Arbitrary power they have at home Now where 's the discomfort of Matrimony in all this here 's nothing but mirth and comfort it self pure rejoycing for the birth of a Man-child Would you be willing to be Landlord to a Comfit-maker and not have him pay his Rent Then for Gossips to meet nay to meet at 〈◊〉 lying in and not to talk you may a◠well dam up the Arches of London-Bridge as stop their mouths at such a time ' Ti◠a time of freedom when women like Parliament-men have a privilege to talk Petty Treason And he 's an Ignoramus of 〈◊〉 Husband that will not pass an act of oblivion for the Trespasses of a Christnin◠Banket Women are sociable Creatures as well a◠men and if they can't talk Philosophy they must talk of that which they bette◠understand I never heard but of one man an Italian Painter who was made believe that h◠was with Child who was so apprehensive of the trouble and pangs of Delivery that having but a hundred pound in all th◠world he gave it all a Physitian for a distill'd water of fat Capons and other Ingredients to cure him of his burden Th◠fellow that had his Brother growing out o◠his side found it an unmerciful trouble t◠lug him about Men must acknowledge that women have done them a most extraordinar◠kindness to ease them of that ponderou◠weight of Infant-carriage And therefor◠since they have all the trouble 't is fit they should have some retaliation and alleviation of their pains And therefore they that make these Expences the discomforts of Matrimony are onely such as desire an end of the world for want of Procreation For they are such necessary and incumbent appurtenances to the act of Generation that you may as well separate the Sea from a mouth of a River as part expence from the Chamber of Delivery For man is Lord of the world and of all the Creatures and therefore it is fit that as much of the Creature as may be should attend him at his first entry These are therefore laudable Expences and there can be no discomfort in doing that which is laudable and honourable These are nothing to the discomfort of the secret sinner The first thing that salutes him in a morning going to drink his mornings draught and he had need of it Heaven knows to wash sorrow from his heart is an old woman that drops him a curtsey and gives him a little piece of Foul Paper ill folded up and seal'd with the end of a Thumb Sir quoth she it comes Well well I know 't is sufficient Well but Sir quoth she Well wel◠no more quoth he But Sir and then she gives him the doleful whisper The Gentowleman is in great distress for want of Money she expects every hour and the people threaten to turn her out of her Lodging Oh the comforts of whoring then how they slide to his benum'd heart and carry a chilness through his blood like the juyce of Henbane Ale will not then go down a Tost and Sack must be the Cordial which taken liberally at first causes him to indulge himself into forgetfulness of the business for that day But the next morning fresh Terrours assail his thoughts Sometimes he thinks he sees a little bundle of unfortune Innocence lying at his door sometimes he believes he sees the same wither'd-fac'd Messenger that brought him the first Letter discoursing vvith his wife loss of Reputation amuses him The very thoughts of a Church-warden and finding Sucurity drives him almost to despair Well something must be done Away he takes a disconsolate march about the streets and at length the sign of the Cradle in a by-hole revives his drooping Soul In he goes and fortunately finding the She-professor of Iniquities Mystery to her unfolds his deplorable misfortune The demands run high besides Lodging and Candles a dry and a wet Nurse and all ready money no Faith And that pinches hard to pay so high for
or women trouble their Brains about Portions for if their Sons and their Daughters are truly sensible of their inability they can find another way to the wood of themselves Women are not aware that fine Cloaths and the assurance of Portion spoil the Daughters Sunday-Devotion at Church And then for the Week-day Morning-prayers a lac'd Night-rail and a long Scarf sets 'um equal with the best And what occasion have they of gadding any farther abroad Therefore 't is no discomfort of Matrimony to be wife-dunn'd for Childrens Portions for the recreation and pleasure is as great to see the Ingenuity of his Children in shifting for themselves as to stand upon the foyl and see a Hare dance and double before the Hounds If all this will not stop the Womans mouth the man may tell her That the Lacedemonians made a Law that no Man should give any Portion with his Daughter It may be she 'll say she does not care a f-t for the Lacedemonians Then you may tell her what a good Lady Venus was who permitted the Cyprian Damsels to suffer all strangers to make use of their bodies till they had got enough to marry 'um honestly and ask her how she likes this Project for her Daughters For if a woman will have a Portion for her Daughter where it cannot be had she must fetch it out of the fire When the young bird 's flown the old one never takes farther care of her You never knew an old Rook give a Portion to the young one onely you may find they gave 'um good Learning and Education and so leave ' um Observe but the Temple-Garden Therefore O most indulgent Mothers cease your Clacks and let not Matrimony be reproached for your sakes with a discomfort which well considered brings both delight and advantage to your Husbands THE Fifth Real Comfort OF Matrimony COme come we 'll soon determine this Controversie Here 's an old old man has married a young young woman and because he cannot give her the least content she seeks for aid and assistance elsewhere As I told you before 't is a notable question that in the Form of Marriage about the Impediment The Husband is called to answer for himself and the standers by are bid and charg'd to speak their minds yet not one will open his mouth when they know the old Dottrel to have no more pith in his back than an Elder-gun And thus the young Gentlewoman all fire and high-mettel'd is deluded and frustrated of all her Expectations And this is a wrong not to be repair'd by all the Darling Gold in his Coffers Her Parents might have as well have married her to an Eunuch or the Statue of Priapus 'T was a most insufferable injury done to one of the most flourishing Beauties in one of the adjoyning Counties for a Gentleman to marry her when he was not onely impotent but defective I tell ye this to shew ye the Convenience of Lycurgus's Law about Deputy-Kinsmen However such was the modesty of the Lady that she never discovered her misfortune and so dy'd a married Virgin He might have gone over ten Counties and not have met with such a Phoenix Say you the remedy is worse than the disease 't is contrary to Law I will not argue the point of Law but I say here are pregnant excuses that mollifie and extenuate the Fact Here is a disappointment of Nature it self here is the loss of off-spring and the highest violation imaginable of the Nuptial bed Now give me leave to tell ye a story for I think I have one in my budget fit for the purpose There was a very fine Lady that liv'd in a great City of Italy who had the misfortune to be taken a bed in the arms of her Lover Her Husband like an old fool grew horn-mad presently and would needs take the severity of the Law against her which was no less than Death There wanted no proof you may be sure on the Husbands part however the Lady came very clearly off by her own discretion For said she to the Judge Pray ask my Husband whether ever I deny'd him the satisfaction of my body whenever he requir'd it The Husband confess'd what she said to be very true Well then my Lord replied the Lady what should I have done with the over-plus that remained in my own power Should I have cast it away like the Elders Maid Was it not better for me to pleasure a worthy Gentleman that was ready to dye for love of me than a surfeited Husband that had ten times more than he knew what to do withal Where lies now the discomfort of an old mans marrying a young Lady all fire and tow He lies at rack and manger and has his full swinge of all the pleasure and comfort that he is in any possibility capable of 'T is the poor Lady that suffers a continual famine that lies yawning and stretching for more but all in vain the springs of life and vigour are all dried up Limberness and Frigitidy are the onely fuel that feed her youthful flames Her amourous fires kindled by the Embers of his drooping years grow violent and prey upon her lusty blood And is it not time to call out for help when hardly the spout in a Whales neck will serve to send forth streams sufficient to quench her inward fires Nor can ye blame her for the refusal of his conjugal kindness at some times For as he is her Husband she is not bound to kill him with over-doing She has more good Nature Or if by flattery and dalliance she milk the udders of his Golden Heifers 't is but reason he should pay for his pleasure who can afford her no other Retaliation If she seek her relief with prudence and secresie 't is but common discretion and she may be allow'd to take fees a both hands when no body can determine the cause but her self He that cannot keep Shop by himself may be glad of a Copartner to joyn with him And it may be a question whether she that neglects the aid of necessary restoratives in this case may not be said to be a felo de se and to be the occasion of her own death by confining her self to the steams of a Church-yard all night and all day conversing with a walking Charnel-House These are not only discomforts but terrours and affrights and you may commend her valour too as well as her patience to lye with an Apparition But what may we think of those decrepit half-pint Letchers who being as sapless as a dry'd Fennel-stalk yet you may dog them shuffling along with their crickling hams till they pop into one of their old haunts of iniquity Where they call for Vice to correct Sin for forgetting their former Lessons of Lasciviousness while the sturdy Quean belabours their buttocks till their impotent wimbles peep out of their bellies to beg a reprieve for their Tayls There are some that when their other Tackle fails 'em love
where 's this mans Discomfort all this while Why upon his Wife 's turning Whore his Estate got a Gonnorhea and pin'd and consum'd away to nothing Or if you will have it another way his Wife put his Estate upon the spit of Prodigality and let lie it roasting so long at the fire of her Lust that it dript quite away What then This is no disparagement to Matrimony For while the Woman lives within the confines of Matrimony and the man retain'd his Ability all things went well For I must tell ye Ability is as it were High Constable of the Hundred of Wedlock and keeps the peace in Matrimony Now as the Constable is nothing without his Staff so is Ability nothing without a good strong Truncheon So that Matrimony is no way to be blam'd but the Dissolution of Matrimony by the womans seeking after strange Gods and adoring other Priapus's besides her own Though in strictness of reason it may be a question whether the Woman disanull'd the Marriage or no and whether the end of Wedlock ceasing the Marriage is not vacate of it self Which if it be true then was the Woman upon the ceasing of the former Marriage as free for one as another But such is the sad age we live in that women must be the scape-goats to bear all the sins and miscarriages of their Husbands Yet I have heard of a hoary Fornicator that had gain'd the reputation of a most faithful Husband one that had clamber'd to the top of the pinnacle of Parish-preferment a Common-Council-mans fellow one that never cheated but in the integrity of his heart one with a Saint-like look peecked beared Sattin cap'd little banded and when he drove a bargain one that look'd up to Heaven with his hands upon breast in such a manner that you might have seen his Conscience in his eyes Yet this good pious old man upon an accidental step of his Wife into the Country suffer'd his Maid to steal into his wive's place and so as if he had found her there by chance got her with child 'T is true the good man for generally such Saints as these have luck had an ingenuous and dutiful Prentice that hope him out at a dead lift or else who knows what a Family-havock it might have produc'd I leave you to imagine the Afflictions Terrours and Agonies that tormented this Senior of the Vestry when he found the state of his condition in the midst of which he had no friend to trust but his good Prentice in whom he had the more hopes because he knew he made no great profession of Godliness because he lay out of his house a nights and plaid many other pranks with which Satan inspires Youth To him therefore he unfolds his misery who most dutifully undertakes to father the Child And novv the Curmudgeons stable and purse are at his command On the other side the young lad provides for the lying in appears at the Christning and brings in Taylors Bills which are not to be question'd Novv he may go out lie out ramble vvhere he pleases for still the Prentice vvas looking after the child vvhich though it liv'd not long yet too long for the old niggards profit tvvo years really alive and another half year still alive after ' t vvas dead by the good management of Father Junior Hovv many nevv Govvns would this expence have bought the poor ignorant wife at home what a passion would it have put her into had she known it But it hapn'd well for Father Princock whose Master rigid and severe before was now become his perfect slave There was a certain Exchange-man who had liv'd well with his wife for several years You might as well have remov'd Penmen-Maur into Middlesex as have got him out for a quarter of an hour to drink his Mornings-draught He canted to his Customers in Mood and Figure Nothing more grave nothing more solid and every one prognosticated him a Fur-Gown and a Gold-Chain And yet after many years thus spent in reputation the Extinguisher of Misfortune eclipsed this flaming Christmas-Candle all upon a fudden People star'd wonder'd talk'd and reason'd the case but at length all came out Secret whoring private gaming threescore broad pieces lost of a night and a thousand flams and shams and tales of roasted horses to his wife not one of the Comforts of Matrimony had been the occasion of all this Now where were the wives in fault in either of these two cases And truly I am apt to believe were there a true Catalogue of the excesses of this Nature of both Sexes you would find the Poll much more numerous on the mens side And to tax the women with expence is folly For he 's a meer doting infatuated Nicodemus that when he finds his wife galloping away with his Estate does not hold her in having the reins in his own hands THE Eight Real Comfort OF Matrimony I 'Ll hold a good wager 't is no such discomfort of Marriage for a mans wife to desire the fresh air 'T is an ill sign on the mans side when a woman is compelled to strain her invention to obtain of her Husband an innocent Recreation Suppose he be at the charges of a Palfrey and a Side-saddle 't is no such Break-back-expence to endanger the sighing up his Lungs by the roots He that travels with his wife to shew her the Country has the same pleasure himself to see the variety of Seats and Towns and cannot have a better Companion than his wife when he comes to his Journeys end 'T is a sign the woman has a nobler soul than to intermix with a Tag-rag and long-tail when Easter and Whitsontide let loose the toyling Rabble to devour all the rotten Currants and measly Swines-flesh about the Town in dry cakes and slices of glaury Bacon stuft with Goose-turds instead of sweet Herbs Or to be wedg'd in with the Westward ho Trumpery till she arrive at drty dusty Brainford for a Tansey of green Wheat and addle Eggs and a game at paltry Nine-pins for digestion and then home again with a bundle of dead Tulips and Southern-wood to garnish her Cobweb'd windows Precious Comforts of Matrimony indeed 'T is natural to women to love a ful enjeyment not the sips and taste of pleasure Give me a woman that knows what satisfaction is 'T is a sign of Genius and sprightliness the sweets of Conversation Can any man be such a Dunce as to grutch his wife a Country-house 't is for his own interest 't is as good as going to see his Vncle to leave his wife on Monday-mornings and return fresh again a Saturday-night and those short absences create new longings and new affections and prevent the inconveniencies of surfeiting 'T is good for their Children too They draw a steady sanity from the innocent and serene air of the Country while the corrupted smoak of the City and the Exhalations of Brew-house-Funnels do but befoot their lungs for the Chimney-sweepers broom
the dreaded punishment of his carelessness For her Husband cannot blame her for falling then when her tottering condition is such that without bolstring 't is impossible she should stand 'T is a question whether the venerable Delphian Prophetess did not always take a hearty cup before she went to consult the Oracle For you see their Answers were generally such insolent riddles that the Devil himself could hardly pick out their meaning And for the Sybil that carried Aeneas to Hell you may find in what a pickle she made her self before she durst adventure the Voyage When the Trojan Woman burnt Aeneas's Navy the story tells ye they were all fuddl'd for the mischief was contriv'd over a damn'd Gossiping yet we do not perceive that the Trojans lov'd their Wives e're a jot the worfe for their frolick Nay Women are so cleanly in their drinking that many times they strain the Wine through their Smocks when men like slovens as they are drink up dregs and all Let men consider their own extravagancies their flinging the Glasses over their Shoulders their burning their Coats Hats and Perrwigs then their running to Bawdihouses mad as March-hares their Scowring as they call it and breaking peoples Windows their qnarrels with the Watch their disturbing the Counter-turn-keys who are forc'd to rise in the cold that their Ratships moy not lye i' the street I say let men consider these things and then tell me why it should be such a heart-breaking discomfort of Matrimony to see their Wives tipfie when they take so much delight in it themselves For Women whose nature it is to be inquisitive observing their Husbands to take such an extraordinary delight in trowling the Bowl are no way to be blam'd for their aspiring to partake of the fame felicity But lastly another great comfort that same Husband enjoys who has a good Companion to his Wife For as wine debilitates both the one and the other so he has the more rest and quiet in his bed and is not dunn'd so oft for due benevolence but that he may easily afford it THE Fifteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony OH But the man does not love Hairs in his Porridge And yet sluts are generally very kind For when the Souldiers in Scotland wanted Onion-sawce for their Wild-Ducks the woman of the House to supply their wants was contented freely to part with the onely Clove of Garlick she had in the world which her Child for several days had eat and shit out again to cure the Worms I must tell ye a sluttish Wife inures a man to the inconveniencies of War where a man-does not always meet with clean sheets or Sun-Tavern Cooks Sows are the most nastie creatures in the world and yet none more profitable or better Flesh Persumes are ofcures And how frequently do we sind that men forsake their wives Sweet-bags to have a touch with their greasie Cook-maids If the Woman be a slut yet the man has this comfort that she 's fair or else the Proverb 's a confounded lyar Now there are certain creatures that having more potent enemies than themselves roll themselves over head and ears i' the mud to escape the danger that hangs over their heads And thus fluttish wives conscious of their Beauty roll themselves over head and ears in durt to avoid the pursuit of wanton sollicitations to the great advantage and comfort of their husbands Cleanliness is but a new Invention Sluttery was the mode of the Grandmothers of our great great Grandmothers when Romulus's wife wore a flannel Smock a whole twelvemonth together and Aeneas wip'd his fingers upon his Doublet instead of a Napkin Sluttery is an Emblem of the simplicity of the old World before Pomp and Luxury cane in fashion She that never seeps the Cobwebs from her windows has always an example and pattern of diligence before her eyes and then she has another good quality that she keeps her Husband out of the Mercer's and Lacemen's Books and then her Victuals too costs little for a T d's as good for a Sow as a Pancake Why should a man find fault with a slut when Venus her self was born out of the scum of the Sea But then for her Virtues a shut is a Woman of Constancy She ever was and is and what she is ever will be a slut With out any alteration or change of Humour accorning to the usual Levity and inconstancy of her Sex In the next place it shews contempt of the folly and vanity of the world which is one round in her Ladder to Heaven Now as for the man himself this is certain that a slut can onely offend his nose and his Eyes Now what man would be so extreamly indulgent to his nose or his eyes to discompose the whole frame of Natures Habitation for a Hogo in his Pork or boyling his Pudding in his foul Night-cap I have known it rain butter'd Pease at a mans House meerly because his wife brought him an Alchimy spoon onely smear'd with a little Candle-grease Yet who would not rather choose to feed on a good joynt of Mutton though it fortun'd that the Dish-clout boyl'd jig by jowl with it all the while than a dish of Frogs-legs or fri'd Mice though never so artificially cook't a-la-mode de France Or who had not rather see his wives nasty Comb in the window than the slap-dawdries of paint and Fucus So that men are to weigh the good with the bad some men's meats are other men's poysons What some men nauseate is grateful to other mens stomachs we are not to hate Cows because Cheese is made of their Milk and as a learned Divine once said the pleasures of a Hog are not the pleasures of an Angel And therefore in short men are to take their lots and either be Fools or Philosophers For as all Arguments in these Cases are uncertain so must be the Conclusions THE Sixteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony BUt forsooth a man has a fine Estate and a fine Wife and a fine Portion and this Wife has a fine wit fine conditions and fine caresses but the Devil 's i' these Buts they come in so confoundedly at the but-end of a commendation that they spoil all For this fine Woman is so addicted to Lantraloo and Back-gammon that she makes a perfect Speirings Ordinary of her House No sooner is the cloath taken away but another clean cloath must be spread and then out come the Cards or the Tables and there she sits from after dinner till one two three four a clock i' the morning day after day night after night consuming and wasting her fine Portion till she begins to prey upon the main stock And this is a parlous grievance a comfort of Matrimony in the name of Satan All this while the men don't consider what a happiness they have in enjoying such a wife One cries I think my wife will play away her A and what of that Then there 's the thing gone which is many times the cause
Goodness or should we add to all this that which stops the mouth of Barbarism it self that is to say the high Estimation put upon them even by the Mahometans who in them place the greatest pleasures of their Paradise it must needs be acknowledged that these muddy Philosophers onely spoke the sence of feeble and decrepit Age and that consequently their Philosophy was as feeble and stupid as their limber and useless Limbs And indeed this is a Quarrel wherein Nature hath seemed to have declared her self an Interested Party so that we need to go no farther than the judgment of our eyes the quickest and the furest that a man can make to decide the Controversie For whom can we imagine to be so insensible as not to be presently touch'd with the delicate composure and symetry of their Bodies the sweetness and killing Languor of their Eyes the intermixture and harmony of their Colours the happinesses and spirituality of their Countenances the charms and allurements of their Meen the air and command of their Smiles so that it is no wonder that Plato should say That Souls were unwilling to depart out of such fair Bodies Whereas men are meerly rough-cast bristly and brawny and made up as it were of tough Materials and if they approach any thing neer beauty they may be said by so much the more to degenerate from what they are And from hence we gain'd our main Inference For if the Majesty and Comliness of a Governour gain so much awe upon the People as Politicians have observ'd and experience teaches us that it does What advantage have they in magically charming and winning of the People given them by Nature which the other cannot aspire to by Art For who would not be sooner smitten with Tresses curiously curl'd and dangling and built up by a ravishing Architecture than with bushy discomposed Locks though powder'd with Gold Who would not adore a face glowing with all kind of attractions rather than a Countenance savage with Bristles and indented with Scars This is a certainty that needs so little Demonstration that if you look but into any story you shall find even the greatest Conquerours lusty and proud in their Conquests humbl'd and brought upon their knees by the fair Enchantments of Women This we accompt Admirable in Alexander and Scipio that they could avoid in Caesar and Mark Anthony we pardon in respect of the greatness of their other Actions And therefore if the greatest Captains and Souldiers founders of Empires be of a higher and more exalted Nature than others of lower and meaner capacities yet such as have been always commanded by women who have made them decline in their very Meridians may we not thence conclude that Nature has given them a priority which they enjoy in effect though not in outward appearance 'T is to be supposed that no man thinks Solomon to be other than one of the wisest of men and yet it is well known how these white Devils seduc'd him Augustus who may truly be said to have been one of the steadiest men in the world one that in his youth out-witted all the Craft of the Hoary Senate was all his life-time led by one Livia who had that predominancy over him that he by her means disposed of the Succession of the Empire to a Son of her womb by another Husband But to make this yet more plain we say that Age begets Wisdome Now how general the affection of old men is to women needs no proof especially the older they grow some of threescore marrying Virgins of sixteen and therefore it is a clear Argument of the truth of this point and of the Wisdom of those reverend Seniors that choose such Assistants for the Government of their declining years Besides as certainly there wants not its reason in Philosophy that all Vertues belong to the Sex we plead for so may we also in the perusal of History find as many fair and illustrious examples of Vertue giby women as there has been by men Look but over the Roll of them and you may easily from thence produce a sufficient stock of Presidents where many things inserted as done by men perhaps are either brutish heady and intemperate while in the women things appear more smooth and temperate Or if there be any thing of passion or exorbitancy it is but an addition of Lustre to their Sex as a blush or glowing in the face sets off their beauty Now if it be necessary that Governours should be of good entertainment affable courteous open of countenance and such as seem to harbour no crooked or deep design no men can be so fit for Government as women are For besides their natural sweetness and innocency their talk is generally directed to such things as it may be easily inferr'd that their heads are not troubl'd about making destructive Wars enlarging Empires or founding of Tyrannies So that if we consider what has been said and that even those most excellent Qualities which are to be most desired and wish'd for in a Governour are inherent to them we shall clearly gain the point which we aim at What greater happiness than to have a Governour that is religious Now all Philosophy and Experience teach us that the softest minds are most capable of these Impressions and that women are for the most part most violently hurried away by such Agitations to which men are subject How few men-Prophets do Histories afford us in comparison to Prophetesses witness the Sybils and the female mouths of the chiefest Oracles of the Heathen And even at this day who such absolute followers of the Priests as the women are If you wish them merciful these are the tendrest things upon the face of the earth They have tears at command and if tears be the effect of Pity and Compassion be the Mother of Vertue we are oblig'd to think that mercy rules most in them and it is to be soonest expected from them If you desire affection to their Country where may you more luckily find it Have not the women many times cut off their hair to make ropes for Engines and strings for bows have they not surrendred up all their Rings and Jewels to defray charges Have they not been content to perish with their Husbands in their Habitations and what greater love of Native Country can be shewn Famous was the Valour of the women of Haerlem in Holland when besieg'd by the King of Spain while they out-did the men in Martial deeds and vy'd with their manly fortitude in sufferance of Labour in repairing and defending the walls of their City As memorable was that of the women of Amsterdam when it was besieged by the Prince of Orange who by agreement among themselves by their own Industry advanced a great Culverin upon one of the highest places in the City and thence continually discharged with great execution upon the Enemy And how far might women improve this Honour to themselves while they look upon themselves as