dinner with so much civility and kindness a pox on 'em that I cou'd hardly get away to you dear Madam Oliv. You have a way with you so new and obliging Sir Eliz. You hate Flattery Cousin Apart to Olivia Nov. Nay faith Madam d' ye think my way new then you are obliging Madam I must confess I hate imitation to do any thing like other people all that know me do me the Honour to say I am an Original Faith but as I was saying Madam I have been treated to day with all the ceremony and kindness imaginable at my Lady Autums but the nauseous old Woman at the upper end of her Table Oliv. Revives the old Grecian custom of serving in a Deaths head with their Banquets Nov. Hah ha fine justifaith nay and new 't is like eating with the Ghost in the Libertine she wou'd frighten a Man from her dinner with her hollow invitations and spoil one's stomach Oliv. To Meat or Women I detest her hollow cherry cheeks she looks like an old Coach new painted affecting an unseemly smugness whil'st she is ready to drop in pieces Eliz. You hate Detraction I see Cousin Apart to Olivia Nov. But the filly old Fury whil'st she affects to look like a Woman of this Age talks Oliv. Like one of the last and as passionately as an old Courtier who has out-liv'd his Office Nov. Yes Madam but pray let me give you her character Then she never counts her age by the years but Oliv. By the Masques she has liv'd to see Nov. Nay then Madam I see you think a little harmless railing too great a pleasure for any but your self and therefore I 've done Oliv. Nay faith you shall tell me who you had there at dinner Nov. If you wou'd hear me Madam Oliv. Most patiently speak Sir Nov. Then we had her daughter Oliv. Ay her daughter the very disgrace to good cloaths which she alwayes wears but to heighten her deformity not mend it for she is still most splendidly gallantly ugly and looks like an ill piece of daubing in a rich Frame Nov. So But have you done with her Madam And can you spare her to me a little now Oliv. Ay ay Sir Nov. Then she is like Oliv. She is you 'd say like a City Bride the greater Fortune but not the greater Beauty for her dress Nov. Well yet have you done Madam Then she Oliv. Then she bestows as unfortunately on her face all the graces in fashion as the languishing eye the hanging or pouting lip but as the Fool is never more provoking than when he aims at Wit the ill-favorâ—d of our Sex are never more nauseous than when they wou'd be Beauties adding to their natural deformity the artificial ugliness of affectation Eliz. So Cousin I find one may have a collection of all ones acquaintances Pictures as well at your house as at Mr. Lely's only the difference is there we find 'em much handsomer than they are and like here much uglier and like and you are the first of the profession of Picture-drawing I ever knew without flattery Oliv. I draw after the Life do no Body wrong Cousin Eliz. No you hate flattery and detraction Oliv. But Mr. Novel who had you besides at dinner Nov. Nay the Devil take me if I tell you unless you will allow me the priviledge of railing in my turn but now I think on 't the Women ought to be your Province as the Men are mine and you must know we had him whom Oliv. Him whom Nov. What Invading me already And giving the character before you know the Man Eliz. No that is not fair tho' it be usual Oliv. I beg your pardon Mr. Novel pray go on Nov. Then I say we had that familiar Coxcomb who is at home wheresoe're he comes Oliv. Ay that Fool Nov. Nay then Madam your Servant I 'm gone Taking a Fool out of ones mouth is worse than taking the Bread out of ones mouth Oliv. I 've done your pardon Mr Novel pray proceed Nov. I say the Rogue that he may be the onely Wit in company will let no Body else talk and Oliv. Ay those Fops who love to talk all themselves are of all things my Aversion Nov. Then you 'll let me speak Madam sure The Rogue I say will force his Jest upon you and I hate a Jest that 's forc'd upon a Man as much as a Glass Eliz. Why I hope Sir he does not expect a Man of your temperance in jesting shou'd do him reason Nov. What interruption from this side too I must then Offers to rise Olivia holds him Oliv. No Sir You must know Cousin that Fop he means tho' he talks only to be commended will not give you leave to do 't Nov. But Madam Oliv. He a Wit hang him he 's only an Adopter of stragling Jests and fatherless Lampoons by the credit of which he eats at good Tables and so like the barren Beggar-woman lives by borrow'd Children Nov. Madam Oliv. And never was Author of any thing but his News but that is still all his own Nov. Madam pray Oliv. An eternal Babler and makes no more use of his ears than a Man that sits at a Play by his Mistress or in Fop-corner he 's in fine a base detracting Fellow and is my Aversion But who else pr'ythee Mr. Novel was there with you Nay you sha'nt stir Nov. I beg your pardon Madam I cannot stay in any place where I 'm not allow'd a little Christian liberty of railing Oliv. Nay pr'ythee Mr. Novel stay and tho' you shou'd rail at me I wou'd hear you with patience pr'ythee who else was there with you Nov. Your Servant Madam Oliv. Nay pr'ythee tell us Mr. Novel pr'ythee do Nov. We had no Body else Oliv. Nay faith I know you had Come my Lord Plausible was there too who is Cousin a Eliz. You need not tell me what he is Cousin for I know him to be a civil good-natur'd harmless Gentleman that speaks well of all the World and is alwayes in good humor and Oliv. Hold Cousin hold I hate Detraction but I must tell you Cousin his civility is cowardice his good nature want of wit and has neither courage or sense to rail And for his being alwayes in humor 't is because he is never dissatisfi'd with himself In fine he is my Aversion and I never admit his Visits beyond my Hall Nov. No he visit you Dam him cringing grinning Rogue if I shou'd see him coming up to you I wou'd make bold to kick him down again Ha! Enter my Lord Plausible My dear Lord your most humble Servant Rises and salutes Plausible and kisses him Eliz. So I find kissing and railing succeed each other with the angry Men as well as with the angry Women and their quarrels are like Love-quarrels since absence is the only cause of them for as soon as the Man appears again they are over Aside L. Plaus Your most faithful humble Servant generous Mr. Novel and
Madam I am your eternal Slave and kiss your fair hands which I had done sooner according to your commands but Oliv. No excuses my Lord. Eliz. What you sent for him then Cousin Apart Nov. Ha! invited Aside Oliv. I know you must divide your self for your good company is too general a good to be ingross'd by any particular Friend L. Plaus O Lord Madam my company your most obliged faithful humble Servant but I cou'd have brought you good company indeed for I parted at your door with two of the worthiest bravest Men Oliv. Who were they my Lord Nov. Who do you call the worthiest braviest men pray L. Plaus O the wisest bravest Gentlemen Men of such Honour and Virtue of such good qualities ah Eliz. This is a Coxcomb that speaks ill of all people a different way and Libels every body with dull praise and commonly in the wrong place so makes his Panegyricks abusive Lampoons Aside Oliv. But pray let me know who they were L. Plaus Ah! such patterns of Heroick Virtue such Nov. Well but who the Devil were they L. Plaus The honour of our Nation the glory of our Age ah I cou'd dwell a Twelve month on their praise which indeed I might spare by telling their names Sir Iohn Current and Sir Richard Court-Title Nov. Court-Title Hah ha Oliv. And Sir Iohn Current Why will you keep such a Wretch company my Lord L. Plaus Oh Madam seriously you are a little too severe for he is a Man of unquestion'd reputation in every thing Oliv. Yes because he endeavors only with the Women to pass for a Man of Courage and with the Bullies for a Wit with the Wits for a Man of Business and with the Men of Business for a Favourite at Court and at Court for good City security Nov. And for Sir Richard he L. Plaus He loves your choice pick'd company persons that Oliv. He loves a Lord indeed but Nov. Pray dear Madam let me have but a bold stroke or two at his Picture He loves a Lord as you say tho' Oliv. Tho' he borrow'd his Money and ne'r paid him again Nov. And wou'd bespeak a place three days before at the back-end of a Lords Coach to Hide-Park L. Plaus Nay i'faith i'faith you are both too severe Oliv. Then to shew yet more his passion for quality he makes Love to that fulsom Coach-load of Honour my Lady Goodly for he is always at her Lodging L. Plaus Because it is the Conventickle-Gallant the Meeting-house of all the fair Ladies and glorious Superfine Beauties of the Town Nov. Very fine Ladies there 's first Oliv. Her Honour as fat as an Hostess L. Plaus She is something plump indeed a goodly comly graceful person Nov. Then there 's my Lady Frances what d'ye call'er as ugly Oliv. As a Citizens lawfully begotten daughter L. Plaus She has wit in abundance and the handsomest heel elbow and tip of an ear you ever saw Nov. Heel and elbow hah ha And there 's my Lady Betty you know Oliv. As sluttish and flatternly as an Irish Woman bred in France L. Plaus Ah all she has hangs with a loose Air indeed and becoming negligence Eliz. You see all faults with Lovers eyes I find my Lord. L. Plaus Ah Madam your most obliged faithful humble Servant to command But you can say nothing sure against the Superfine Mistress Oliv. I know who you mean She is as censorious and detracting a Jade as a superannuated Sinner L. Plaus She has a smart way of Railery 't is confest Nov. And then for Mrs. Grideline L. Plaus She I 'm sure is Oliv. One that never spoke ill of any body 't is confest for she is as silent in conversation as a Countrey Lover and no better company than a Clock or a Weather-glass for if she sounds 't is but once an hour to put you in mind of the time of day or to tell you 't will be cold or hot rain or snow L. Plaus Ah poor creature she 's extremely good and modest Nov. And for Mrs. Bridlechin she 's Oliv. As proud as a Churchman's Wife L. Plaus She 's a Woman of great spirit and honour and will not make her self cheap 't is true Nov. Then Mrs. Hoyden that calls all people by their Sirnames and is Oliv. As familiar a Duck Nov. As an Actress in the Tyring-room There I was once before-hand with you Madam L. Plaus Mrs. Hoyden A poor affable good-natur'd Soul But the Divine Mrs. Trifle comes thither too sure her beauty virtue and conduct you can say nothing too Oliv. No! Nov. No! pray let me speak Madam Oliv. First can any one be call'd beautiful that squints L. Plaus Her eyes languish a little I own Nov. Languish hah ha Oliv. Languish Then for her conduct she was seen at the Countrey Wife after the first day There 's for you my Lord. L. Plaus But Madam she was not seen to use her Fan all the Play long turn aside her head or by a conscious blush discover more guilt than modesty Oliv. Very fine then you think a Woman modest that sees the hideous Countrey Wife without blushing or publishing her detestation of it D' ye hear him Cousin Eliz. Yes and am I must confess something of his opinion and think that as an over-conscious Fool at a Play by endeavouring to shew the Author's want of Wit exposes his own to more censure so may a Lady call her own modesty in question by publickly cavilling with the Poets for all those grimaces of honour and artificial modesty disparage a Woman's real Virtue as much as the use of white and red does the natural complexion and you must use very very little if you wou'd have it thought your own Oliv. Then you wou'd have a Woman of Honour with passive looks ears and tongue undergo all the hideous obscenity she hears at nasty Plays Eliz. Truly I think a Woman betrays her want of modesty by shewing it publickly in a Play-house as much as a Man does his want of courage by a quarrel there for the truly modest and stout say least and are least exceptioâ—s especially in publick Oliv. O hideous Cousin this cannot be your opinion but you are one of those who have the confidence to pardon the filthy Play Eliz. Why what is there of ill in 't say you Oliv. O fie fie fie wou'd you put me to the blush anew call all the blood into my face again But to satisfie you then first the clandestine obscenity in the very name of Horner Eliz. Truly 't is so hidden I cannot find it out I confess Oliv. O horrid does it not give you the rank conception or image of a Goat a Town-bull or a Satyr nay what is yet a filthier image than all the rest that of an Eunuch Eliz. What then I can think of a Goat a Bull or Satyr without any hurt Oliv. I but Cousin one cannot stop there Eliz. I can Cousin Oliv. O no for when you have those filthy creatures
well known by his Frolick as by his Simile Old Pure Rogue there 's your modern Wit for you Wit and Humor in breaking of Windows There 's Mischief if you will but no Wit or Humor Nov. Pry'thee pr'ythee peace old Fool. I tell you where there is Mischief there 's Wit Don't we esteem the Monky a Wit amongst Beasts only because he 's mischievous And let me tell you as good Nature is a sign of a Fool being Mischievous is a sign of Wit Old O Rogue Rogue pretend to be a Wit by doing Mischief and Railing Nov. Why thou old Fool hast no other pretence to the name of a Wit but by Railing at new Playes Old Thou by Railing at that facetious noble way of Wit quibling Nov. Thou call'st thy dulness gravity and thy dozing thinking Old You Sir your dulness spleen And you talk much and say nothing Nov. Thou read'st much and understand'st nothing Sir Old You laugh loud and break no Jest. Nov. You rail and no body hangs himself And thou hast nothing of the Satyr but in thy face Old And you have no jest but your face Sir Nov. Thou art an illiterate Pedant Old Thou art a Fool with a bad Memory Man Come a Pox on you both you have done like Wits now for you Wits when you quarrel never give over till you prove one another Fools Nov. And you Fools have never any occasion of laughing at us Wits but when we quarrel therefore let us be Friends Oldfox Man They are such Wits as thou art who make the name of a Wit as scandalous as that of Bully and signifie a loud-laughing talking incorrigible Coxcomb as Bully a roaring hardned Coward Free And wou'd have his noise and laughter pass for Wit as t'other his huffing and blustring for Courage Enter Vernish Man Gentlemen with your leave here is one I wou'd speak with and I have nothing to say to you Puts 'em out of the Room Manent Manly Vernish Ver. I told you 't was in vain to think of getting Money out of her she sayes if a shilling wou'd do 't she wou'd not save you from starving or hanging or what you wou'd think worse begging or flattering and rails so at you one wou'd not think you had lay'n with her Man O Friend never trust for that matter a Womans railing for she is no less a dissembler in her hatred than her love And as her fondness of her Husband is a sign he 's a Cuckold her railing at another Man is a sign she lies with him Ver. He 's in the right on 't I know not what to trust to Aside Man But you did not take any notice of it to her I hope Ver. So Sure he is afraid I shou'd have disprov'd him by an enquiry of her all may be well yet Aside Man What hast thou in thy head that makes thee seem so unquiet Ver. Only this base impudent Womans falsness I cannot put her out of my head Man O my dear Friend be not you too sensible of my wrongs for then I shall feel 'em too with more pain and think 'em unsufferable Dam her her Money and that ill-natur'd Whore too Fortune her self but if thou wou'dst ease a little my present trouble pr'ythee go borrow me somewhere else some Money I can trouble thee Ver. You trouble me indeed most sensibly when you command me any thing I cannot do I have lately lost a great deal of Money at Play more than I can yet pay so that not only my Money but my Credit too is gone and know not where to borrow but cou'd rob a Church for you Yet wou'd rather end your wants by cutting your throat Aside Man Nay then I doubly feel my poverty since I 'm incapable of supplying thee Embraces Vernish Ver. But methinks she that granted you the last favour as they call it shou'd not deny you any thing Nov. Hey Tarpaulin have you done Novel looks in and retires again Ver. I understand not that point of kindness I confess Man No thou dost not understand it and I have not time to let you know all now for these Fools you see will interrupt us but anon at Supper we 'll laugh at leisure together at Olivia's Cuckold who took a young Fellow that goes between his Wife and me for a Woman Ver. Ha! Man Sensless easie Rascal 't was no wonder she chose him for a Husband but she thought him I thank her fittter than me for that blind bearing Office Ver. I cou'd not be deceiv'd in that long Womans hair ty'd up behind nor those infallible proofs her pouting swelling breasts I have handled too many sure not to know ' em Aside Man What you wonder the Fellow cou'd be such a blind Coxcomb Ver. Yes yes Novel looks in again and retires Nov. Nay pr'ythee come to us Manly Gad all the fine things one sayes in their company are lost without thee Man Away Fop I 'm busie yet You see we cannot talk here at our ease besides I must be gone immediately in order to meeting with Olivia again to night Ver. To night it cannot be sure Man I had an appointment just now from her Ver. For what time Man At half an hour after seven precisely Ver. Don't you apprehend the Husband Man He sniveling Gull he a thing to be fear'd a Husband the tamest of creatures Ver. Very fine Aside Man But pr'ythee in the mean time go try to get me some Money Tho' thou art too modest to borrow for thy self thou canst do any thing for me I know Go for I must be gone to Olivia go and meet me here anon Freeman where are you Ex. Manly Manet Vernish Ver. Ay I 'll meet with you I warrant but it shall be at Olivia's Sure it cannot be she denies it so calmly and with that honest modest assurance it can't be true and he does not use to lye but belying a Woman when she won't be kind is the onely lye a brave Man will least scruple But then the Woman in Mans cloaths whom he calls a Man Well but by her Breasts I know her to be a Woman But then again his appointment from her to meet with him to night I am distracted more with doubt than jealousie Well I have no way to disabuse or revenge my self but by going home immediately putting on a riding Sute and pretending to my Wife the same business which carryâ—d me out of Town last requires me again to go Post to Oxford to night then if the appointment he boasts of be true it 's sure to hold and I shall have an opportunity either of clearing her or revenging my self on both Perhaps she is his Wench of an old date and I am his Cully whil'st I think him mine and he has seem'd to make his Wench rich only that I might take her off of his hands or if he has but lately lay'n with her he must needs discover by her my treachery to him which I 'm sure he will