depart like a Sheepe-biter retiring himselfe into a priuate chamber cast off his guilded Rapier spruce leather Boots and Spurres got him a Cloake without laces made a Dublet with a falling choller wore Gloues of sixepence a paire on his hands no points on his Breeches but at the wastband a paire of sad coloured stockings tied vp straight with Garters no broader then an Vsurers belt and his Shooe-latches bound together with russet Inckle frequented Sermons sent me most passionate letters that he had renounced Roisters abiured whores setled him-himselfe to a stayed and religious course and that he shamed to appeare in the place I dwelled he had so wronged me and himself But if I would go into the country with him he would purchace some conuenient place where he might liue solitarie from all company but my selfe and seruants His fained repentance seemed so heartie and his flattering lines wrought so with me that we became attoned made money of all and went together and for three or foure dayes he vsed me kindly and lay very quietly with me in the nights but the fifth night being farre from my friends when I was fast asleepe and neuer dreamed of any such matter stole all I had ranne away what way I cannot heare or learne any tidings The old woman married with the yong man The Clarke commeth to the old woman THis is the end of liquorice when a woman hath neuer a tooth in her head to chaw it At a glimpse I sée a young man with her Hath she not yet abandoned the company of men without beards If hee be not the man she spoke so much of what is he He is one that you shall seldome sée without cleane linnen he weareth good cloathes and can write a legible hand hee hath a little learning and will shew it all if you conferro with him when he rideth abroad with his master hée carrieth two hats and walketh with a case of Rapiers one by his side the other in his hand his masters and his owne At dinner or supper either at home or elsewhere he waiteth at his masters elbowe with a trencher at his backe yet hée can reach a cleane voider to any of the table if he take a liking to the péece he hath en his foule trencher he marrieth his masters daughter sometimes which hee hath stolne away God a mercie Oportunitie He can make bonds and obligations to pleasure the parish if their Uicar haue not so much Latine and indite a loue letter for himselfe or his fellowes if any misdemeanour be committed neare him when complaint is made thereof he writeth warrants to apprehend the offendors He is a Iustices Clarke which may warrant this old woman for getting her husband or her goods againe though she pray and pay neuer so many warrants The yong woman commeth married to an old man ANother passeth on passing portly a swéete woman she smelleth hither and a rolling eye she hath it turneth with a trice on both sides a faire haire if it be her owne a rare face if it be not painted a white skinne if it be not plastered a full breast if it be not bolstered a straite backe if it be not helped a slender waste if it be not pinched a likely legge if it be not lined a pretty foote if it be not in the Shoomakers stockes a faire rare swéete méete body if it be not dishonest Your supposes pose me said Opinion neither can I say or gainesay Nature in beautie is better then Art yet Art in shew surpasseth Nature She is proudly attired yet perchance humbly minded loftily aduanced yet it may be lowly descended vildly suspected yet peraduenture vertuously addicted The world now adaies is round with such as shee is and too rash in their censures condemning such as are innocent and quitting many that are culpable but that which is past mending is past medling withall Therefore leaue it and looke vpon this lustre faire she is and vertuous riches she enioyes yet hath no great ioy of riches married she is yet I make question whether she bée a maide or no being a young woman married to a verie olde iealous man My requests are not vnreasonable nor voide of good cause being a woman of tender age as your eyes may witnesse and of a vexed spirit as these lines will manifest that would chuse rather to be laide in my graue then on my bed feede of the wormes then eate with such a worme-eaten old iealous husband as I doe whose age I doe reuerence and find fault with no deformitie which time hath thrust vpon him but with his causlesse suspitions and immerited mistrusts of me For did he hemme more then a towne of Taylers or hawke oftner then a countrey of Faulkners I could endure it I am so enured thereunto were the parts of his body neuer so nauseas detestable I could away with thē so his reason were sound and sauory but his wisdome like his eyes is sunke into his head too farre for hereafter appearing his will stronger then his breath his vnderstanding feebler then his fingers and his iudgement corrupter then his body It is an admiration to see the difference of some of his yeares how directly they will talke what maiestie is in their lookes what wisedome in their discourse Not a word without his weight not a sentence without good sence not a deed vnlesse absolutely performed They will blame nothing that is not blame worthie nor condemne any without assured reason But my Zelotipus raileth without reason knocks his staffe against the stones blames me without offence Oh that some good Fortune would therefore cure me of this care and salue me of this sorrow For neuer shall I reape dayes rest nights content houres quiet minutes mirth so long as I haue this impostume in my head this pinne and webbe in mine eye this canker in my nose this scabbe on my lippe this iealous old husband The young woman married with a very old iealous man Now I heare this Petition it bringeth into my minde a merry conceit There was a very old man which married a maide who méeting a friend of his did importune him to know what the people spake of his marriage Who made him this answer There was a poore man which had but one pecke of corne to grinde and would néeds build a Mill to grinde it and when he had ground his corne the mill stood emptie so that afterwards all the neighbours came to grind their grists there This I inferre not to defame any but to shew how ready the world is to speake the worst Whatsoeuer you say said Opinion vnequall marriages doe marre ages and such made matches as these proue but mad matches yet of the two I hold it more conuient that old Tithon should haue a fresh Amora then an aged woman to be linked in matrimony with a beardlesse boy The Cuckold passeth along SUfficnt for this theame another doth
when he beheld his neighbors wife hang her selfe vppon one of the trees in her husbands orchyard requested a graft of the same tree to see if it would beare any more of the like fruite And no light burthen did that passenger account his wife who when the rest in the ship were willed to cast all the bagge and baggage which did surcharge it ouerboord was most willing to hurry his wife into the Sea Some to shew their learning or rather ignorance may make large volumes of Encomiâ—ns in their behalfes and get perhaps a Iudas kisse or a flap with a Foxe taile for their labours For he that hath seene or read any thing at all of this Common place shall finde for one Vesta many vitious for one Diana many darlings for one Lucrece many lasciuious did neuer any but Semeramis lie with her owne sonne Did neuer any but Mirrha twine with her owne father Did neuer any but Biblis dote vpon her own brother Did neuer any mistresse but Iosephus tempt her houshould seruants One is no number I would there were no number of these ones vpon which if you fall you will be The forlorne Louer The countrey Schoolemaister commeth to the Louer IT is happy you are so short else we had bene wearied with your louely Petition Me thinkes yonder is one that cringeth to him all his apparell is not woorth one Marke yet he hath a hat on his head of the Spanish blocke put the blocke and his head together and sée what they spell Well done honest genus and species for thou séemest inclining as it were that way by thy habite and pen and inkehorne reade a péece of Ouid de Remedio amoris to him for though he raile vnreasonably against women yet I am perswaded he doth chastise them non quod odio habet sed quod amat Atque hoc humanum est said Opinion This man you sée which maketh such action with his hands as he talketh with the Louer is one that kéepth a foule coyle in the Chancell or Belfrée of a Church He is a most horrible Tyrant ouer little children and makes their bréeches quauer with the shake of his Scepter alias y e Rod. He getteth his liuing non per se but for the most part per accidens Yet he can teach Grammer and AEsops Fables for he hath them both in print translated verbum de verbo Howsoeuer schollers do estéeme of him ignorant Hobnailes hold him for a rare Scholler for he will speake Latine amongst them extrumpere and scan verses at his fingers ends He is a man of sharpe learing which pearceth hard words he worketh by Rule like a Carpenter and can cast a figure as if he were a coniurer He is very curious and standeth much a vpon points he may fitly be coupled with the Louer For either he is enamoured of his own good parts or in loue with the waiting maid if he tabled in a Gentleman house sometimes winneth her goodwill but neuer can get her friends consent To be brief with him as hee is with his infants a word and a blow Hee is the outside of a Schollee an imperious commander ouer boyes and wenehes the head maister of the Péepe-taile trade A Pedant The old woman married to a yong man commeth next SO let them all walke Newgate fashion two by two Who is that which hobleth next Christ blesse the woman So wipe your mouth with your Handkerchiefe after your coughing and spitting Her forehead is wrinckled like a paper lanthorne which boyes make with two thinne chéekes like two washt trenchers betweene which her nose séemeth like the socket wherein the snot stands like a péece of a farthing Candle Her mouth like a Caue with two clap doores to wit her two lips without a bolt that is without a tooth containing a Pilgrime a wandring tongue which mouth like a Caue standeth like a Caue betweene two sharpe pointed hils whose tops do almost touch one another her Nose and her Chinne Mocke Age said Opinion and sée how you will thriue This toothlesse saplesse sencelesse Beldam was wife to an honest substantiall man who during his youth endured much labour in gathering riches to maintaine himselfe in yeares and her if she should be superstes or out liue him as she hath So she had all he left which was sufficient at her owne disposing who was bad enough disposed as it séemed For as soone as her husband was surely buried she was all on the hoite she could not lie alone An husband was all her care and many graue men she had choice of but she gaue small intertainement to any of their haire she had rather haue the legge of a Larke then the body of a Kite yet the feathers hang in her Maw which she cannot digest nor vomite till death lance her throate with his razor Her Petition will reueals all for women cannot kéepe their owne secrets Onely this she is as it were a bush of thornes thrust to the hinder parts of a Colt A verie old woman married to a young man Though I might haue bene better aduised by my friends forewarning I confesse yet since I am in the like pickle as others and haue had no lesse misfortune then they I may water my woes and cannot chuse but put vp my Petition with theirs Who as it is well knowne was wealthy and therefore soone wonne an old woman and therefore soonest wronged by a beggerly varlet who at my first view seemed so ciuilly behaued as none could mislike him so well proportioned as I could not chuse but like him especially hauing an honest vocation as he professed and was well descended though a yonger brother which had his portion to take as he brought me Certificate But now I perceiue these were but trickes to catch Dotterils His smooth tongue being his onely friend the lleight and craft of his hands his onely handie-craft his proportion his onely portion which he had to take For after wee were married he soothed me vp till I shewed him my substance and improuidently without any further trial committed it to his tuition which when he had made sure he handled me most ingratefully neuer touching my lips but with his fist nor warming my fides but with an ell I vsed to measure cloath alledging that if I exclaimed against him he might safely sweare he did neuer beate me without measure Hee would not be contented to waste himselfe and my riches amongst whores and roysters all the day but at vnseasonable times when I was in bed rush into my house with his queans at his heels rouse me out of my rest make me to remake my bed with fresh sheets for his Truls would leape in amongst them I being compelled to hold the candle to the Diuell whilest he did his deeds of darkenesse Thus did he vse me till I complained to Authoritie which relieued me reuiled and extruded him my house and company Then did he
watchmen were entred into the aire the heauens suburbs Here quoth Opinion you may daily behold diuers that passe to fro from all parts to present their seueral petitions to Fortune implore her aide for some good hap which many times they obtaine if their Petitions go not through many hands for then they are either lost or torn or come to some friends hands against whom they are preferred and the Petitioners are checkt and called seditious knaues and go home perhaps an hundred miles with a Flea in their eare Then me thought I was very importimate to know the seuerall suiters that became so suppliant to Fortune and euen as Opinion was telling me he would certifie me of them is order Behold quoth he yonder is one trauelling a pace that ministers matter to giue you some satisfaction And as I was thus giuing my attendance and obseruation I might see a femall comming indeed a peart one she was as ready to giue the welcome to her customers as a boy in a barre and as nimble as a Parasite in an old Comedie The harlot passeth by them FIe vpon her said I she will neuer haue good successe in her suite she hath such Anticke attire and doth so trip go with her Petition What a woman of tall stature and vpright body would she were as vpright in her life behauiour high browes faire haire hath she not robbed the dead for it round chéeks currall lips dimpled chin sléeke necke slender waste T is good if they be not hooks to draw men in birdlime to tie the frathers of euery stranger that none may escape them But I feare she is as some say of wanton women like Circes witches and can turne vaine glorius fooles into Asses gluttonous fooles into Swine pleasant fooles into Apes proud fooles into Peacocks and when she hath done scourge them out of dores with a whip This is one said Opinion whose face is a painted Sepulcher whereas her mind is a Tombe full of rotten bones and Serpents her browes like the Diamond containe vertue to relieue and payson to kill her lookes are like Calenders that can determine no certainty but as a certaine leafe which is most drie when it lookes most moist so when shee smiles she imagines deceit and her laughters are tempered with enuy reuenge her vows are but as words written in the wind her promises Caracters figured in the aire her flatteries figures grauen in the Snow which are blowne with the wind or melted with the Sun and her loue like the passage of a Serpent ouer a stons which once past can neuer boséene She will promise mountaines and perform Molehils She will say she loues with Dido and yet faine with Crefida follow Demophon with Phillis and yet be more stragling then Luna she hath smiles at her wish to bewitch and teares at command as the Crocodile to betray If thou proffer her any thing she will pockeeat all if thou hast gold she is a Horsleach and will not out of thy bosome but shée hates an empty purse as the Hyenna doth the fight of a man and wil flie from thée when thou art poore as the foule from the Faulion In plaine termes she is a proud prorhane Harlot And were she not prophane what Athiest would frequant her were she not bawdy what Puncquatero would shew his rotten tèeth to her Were she not ridiculous what country Gentiles would come to her Were she not full of toyes and gewgawes what Citizens would flocke to her In a word Were she not as she is she would be like a Politician without a profound head like a flatterer without a glib tongue like an Astronomer without eyes a Musitian without hearing a Souldier without hands a Porter without a strong backe a Gentleman vsher without straite legs a Lackey without féete in no reputation But it is not so with her for she is a Bona Roga and the Petition which she comes to present must néeds no doubt bring some good fruite from that corrupt trée Vouchsafe to looke vpon the lines of your humble Petitioner who from fifteene yeares of age hath hene a woman of no carriage liuing alwaies chast both in towne and countrey and haue had much dealing with many of great ability till of late that I failed of your furtherance and missed many of my customers For whom when I made a secret inquisition and priuie search fearing they had made a voyage to settle themselues in Virginia I met some of them prepared for Tiburne others I found encountred with Counters and some laid vp in houses of Hospitalitie which vnexpected sight did so appaleme that forthwith I thought good to present this Petition vnto you requesting that such as are my wel willers may haue some longer continuance of your fauours and not tast so sodainly of your frownes which will be my vtter vndoing so long as they haue money or meanes But when they are destitute of both then cast them off let them steale and be hanged which if they deny I wish you send them farre enough for there is nothing more combersome then impecunious hangers on There be also some of the officious to whom I wish none of your fauours as the onely causers of our ouerthrowes For they hunt vs like Hares ferrit vs like Conyes They tie vs to stakes like Beares and whip vs like Iades They driue vs from post to piller that were we not predestinate as it were to liue chast they would compell vs euen against our Fate to become chast they do so chase vs from countrey to citie from citie to suburbes from houses and husbands to cousens and allies where we leade a life like brute beasts among grasse trees c. Or liue like the old water-Nymphs or Fairies which pinched poore men in wels ditches As Shorditch Clarkenwell I therefore sue to haue an Habeas Corpus serued vpon them especially certaine little Annimals called Beagles who seeing poore Does prostrate before their feete haue notwithstanding the heart to hurt and draw blood from their ribbes and shoulders Maddona Meretrix The Baude commeth to the Harlot GOe thy wayes thy fooles bolt is shot a Cookheight against the starres which will light vpon thine owne head Here is a Petition indéed if all Petitions should be granted But there is another come vnto her she should be a yong woman by her great belly but now she yawneth I sée the marke is out of her mouth she walloweth like a Sow with pigge talketh very imperiously is clad most modestly But I mistike one thing she cougheth so sorely are her lungs sound Out vpon her said Opinion though she speake purely sweare sparingly looke demurely and walke sagely yet her life is loathsome and behauior beastly She hath her roguish Rhetorick at her fingers ends and can winch kicke and fling when she séeth her oportunitie She goeth to the Church with an ill will vnlesse