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A46934 The pleasant conceits of Old Hobson the merry Londoner Full of humorous discourses, and witt[y] merryments, whereat the quickest wits may laugh, and the wiser sort take pleasure. Johnson, Richard, 1573-1659? 1649 (1649) Wing J809A; ESTC R216319 20,832 52

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came and considering the benefit that would come by such a grant and meaning to gi●e it to some Gentleman néere unto her as a recompence for his service said unto M. Hobson my friend said the Q. be content for thou shalt not have thy pattent sealed nor will I give thée thy request M. Hobson hearing the Q. denyall said I most heartily thanke your Majestie both I and all mine are bou●d to thanke and pray for your Highnesse and low obeysiance went his way at these his words the Q. much marvelled and when he had gone a little from her she caused him to be sent for back againe whom when he was returned the Q. asked if he did well understand what answer her Grace did give him yes truly said M. Hobson What said I quoth the Q. Marry your grace bid me be content for I should not have my desire nor my patten sealed why did you then quoth the Q. give me such great thanks because said M. Hobson your Grace gave me so spéedy an answer without either long suit or losse of time the which would have béen to my very much harme and great hindrance for I have at home a great charge of houshold to which I am bound in duty to looke diligently and to provide carefully The Q. marking well the wisedome and discréet answer of M. Hobson and now conceiving a new favour towards him said now shall you give me twice thanks and have your pattent sealed and your desires performed that you sue for So casting her eyes upon the Lord Chancelor commanding the same by him to be done which was accomplished with all speed whereby in short time he had quick sale of his commodity of matches to his hearts content and his wealths great increase 16. Master Hobsons jest of ringing of the Bells upon the Queenes day UPon Sant Hewes day being the 17. of November upon which day the triumph was holden for Q. Elizabe●hs happy government as bonefires ringing of bells and such like but in the Parish where Master Hobson dwelled he being Church-warden was no ri●ging at all by reason the Séeple was amen●ing and the bells down and being asked by a servant of the Quéenes house why they 〈◊〉 not he answered because they had no be●●s in their stéeple Then quoth the Quéens man you may very well sell away your steeple Why so quoth M. Hobson because quoth the other it standeth empty and vacant to whom M. Hobson replyed againe we may better sell away our Pulpit for these twelve moneths was there never a Sermon in the same and it rather stands empty and vacant After this the Parson of the Church preached every Sunday following 17. Of a Beggers answer to Master Hobson A Poore beggar man that was foule black and loathsome to behold came on a time to M. Hobson as he walked in Moore fields and asked some thing of him for an almes to whom M. Hobson said I pray thée fellow get from me for thou lookest as thou cammest lately out of hell the poore Beggar perceiving he would give him nothing answered forsooth Sir you say true for I came lately out of Hell indéed why didst not thou tarry there still quoth M. Hobson Nay sir quoth the Begger there is no roome for such beggar men as I am for all is kept for such Gentlemen Citizen as you be this witty answer caused M. Hobson to give the poore man a teaster 18. How long M. Hobsons daughter mourned for her husbands death MAster Hobson had a Daughter which was a very faire young woman who made great sorrow lamentation for her husband that lay a dying no meanes could comfort her wherefore her father came to her and said Daughter leave off your mourning for if God take away your Husband I will spéedily provide you another of great wealth and credit as he is now of and far more young and lusty but yet for all this would she not leave mourning and grew greatly displeased that her Father made any motion of another husband protesting that she would never marry more But now marke the vaviable minds of women her husband was no sooner dead and buried the charges of his buriall paid for and she with her friends set at supper to comfort her betwéene sobbing and wéeping she wispered her father in the eare and said Father where is the man that you said should be my Husband Thus you may sée quoth M. Hobson the nature of Women kind and how long they mourne for their Husbands after they be dead these words made the young woman never after to aske her father for a husband 19. Master Hobson caus●ing his man to set up a signe MAster Hobson having one of his 〈◊〉 new come out of his time and being made a free-man of London desired to set up for himselfe so taking a house not far from Saint Laurence Lane furnished it with store of ware and set the signe of the Maiden-head hard by was a very rich man of the same trade had the same signe who reported in every place where he came that the young man had set up the same signe that he had onely to get away his customers and dayly vexed the young man therewithall who being grieved in mind told M. Hobson his late Master who commining to the rich man said I marvell sir quoth M. Hobson why wrong you my man so much as to say he séeketh to get away your customers marry so he doth quoth the other for he hath set up a signe called the maiden-head as mine is That is not so replyed M. Hobson for this is the Widdowes head and no Maiden-head therefore you doe him great wrong the rich man hereupon séeing heimself requited with mocks rested satisfied and never after that envied M. Hobsons man but let him live quietly 19. Of M. Hobsons jest of a louse and a flea UPon a time M. Hobson going to my L. Maiors to dinner amongst the Livery of his Company and being waighted on by one of his Prentices the said Prentise spyed a louse créeping upon the side of his Gown and tooke it off M. Hobson espyi●g him to doe something in secret asking what it was the fellow being ashamed was loath to tell him but being importuned by his Master said 〈◊〉 was a Louse oh quoth M. Hobson this 〈◊〉 good luck for it sheweth me to be a man fo● this kind of vermine chiefly breedeth on man kind and thereupon gave five shillings to hi● man for his labour another of his Prentices being a pick-thanke knave and having hear● that his fellow had five shillings given him fo● taking a Louse off his Master having hi● Gown likewise on and made as though 〈◊〉 tooke a flea from the same and conveyed 〈◊〉 away but when M. Hobson constrai●ned him to tell what it was with much dis●sembling shamfastnesse he said it was a flea M. Hobson perceiving his dissimulation sa●● to him what dost thou make me a dogge fo● fleas be most
commonly bread upon dogges and instead of his expected reward he recei●ved fiftéene stripes for said M. Hobson ther● is a great difference betwéen one that doth ● thing with a good mind and him that doth ● thing by dissimulation 21. How one of M. Hobsons men qu●ted him with a merry jest MAster Hobson had a servant that he ha● long before made a frée-man and wa● still at M. Hobsons commandement and did him much good service wherefore upon a time he came unto his Master and said Sir I have done you service long time justly and truly wherefore I pray you bestow something upon me to begin the world withall fellow qd Mr. Hobson thou sayst true and thereon have I thought many times to doe a good turne now will I tell thee what thou shalt doe I must shortly ride to Bristow Faire and if thou wilt beare my charges thither I will give thée such a thing as shall be worth to thee an hundred l. I am content qd the fellow so all the way as he rode his man bore his charges and payd for all things duly till they came at the last lodging and there after supper he came to his Master and said Sir I have borne your charges as you commanded me now I pray you let me know what the thing is that will be worth to me 100. pounds did I promise thée such a thing qd his Master you did said the fellow shew me in writing qd his Master I have none said the fellow then thou art like to have nothing qd M. Hobson and learn this of me whensoever thou makest a bargain with any man looke that thou take a writing for thy security and be well advised how thou givest thy bond to any man this thing hath benefited me in my time 200. l. and so it may likewise doe thee thus when the poore fellow saw there was no remedy he held himself content and all that night pondred in his minde how to grow quittance with his master so on y● morrow when his Master had dispatched his businesse in the Town and was set forward back againe towards London he tarryed a little behind to reckon with the Hostis where he lay and of her he borrowed as much money on his Masters cloake as came to all the charges that they spent by the way M. Hobson had not rode past 2. miles but that it began to rain whereupon he called for his cloake of another servant that rode by who said that it was behind with his fellow who had it with him so they tooke shelter under a tree till he overtooke them when he was come M. Hobson most angerly said thou knave why commest thou not away with my cloake the fellow answered Sir and please you I have laid it to pawn for your carges all the way Why knave qd M. Hobson didst thou not promise to beare my charges to Bristow did I quoth the fellow yes said M. Hobson thou didst shew me a writing thereof saith the fellow whereunto M. Hobson seeing himself so cunningly over reached answered but little 22. Of M. Hobsons riding to Sturbidge faire MAster Hobson on a time in company of one of his neighbors rode from London towards S●urb●dge faire so the first night of their journey they lodged at Ware in an Inne where great store of company was and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride and some were on horseback setting forward the Citizen his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate booted and spurred in a browne study to whom he said for shame M. Hobson why sit you here why doe you not make your selfe ready to horseback that we may set forward with company M. Hobson replyed in this manner I tarry qd he for a good cause for what cause quoth his neighbour marry qd M. Hobson here be so many horses that I cannot tell which is my owne and I know well when every man is ridden and gon the horse that remaineth behinde must needs be mine 23 How M. Hobson found a farmers purse THere was a Farmer that lost 40. pounds betwixt Cambridge and London and being so great a summe he made proclamation in all market towns thereabout that whosoever had found 45. l. should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it and therefore he put in the 5. l. more then was lost it was M. Hob●ons fortune to finde the same summe of 40. l. and brought the same to the Bayliffe of Ware and required the 5. l. for his paines as it was proclaimed when the Farmer understood this and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding he said that there was in y● purse 45. l. and so weuld he have his moneey and five pounds over so long they strove that the matter was brought before a Iustice of peace which was then one M. Fleetwood who after was the Recorder of London but when M. Fleetwood understood by the Bayliffe that the proclamation was made for a purse of 45. l. he demanded where it was here qd the Baily and gave it him it is just ●0 l. said M. Fleetwood yes truly qd the Bayliffe here M. Hobson said M. Fleetwood take you this money for it is your owne and if you chance to finde a purse of 45 l. bring it to this honest Farmer that 's mine qd the Farmer for I lost just 40. l. you speake too late qd M. Fleetwood Thus the farmer lost the money and Master Hobs●n had it according to justice 24. How Master Hobson was a judge betwixt two women THere dwelled not far from Mr. Hobson two very ancient Women the youngest of them both was abount 60. years of age and upon a time sitting at the Taverne together they grew at variance which of them should be the youngest as Women indéed desire t● be accounted younger then they be in such manner that they layd a good supper of the value of 20. s. for the truth thereof M. Hobson they agréed upon to be their Iudge of y● difference so after M Hobson had knowledge thereof the one came to him and as a present gave him a very faire pigeon pie worth some 5. s. desiring him to passe the verdit on her 〈◊〉 within a while after the other came and gave M. Hobson a very faire greyhound which kinde of dogges he much delighted in praying him likewise to be favourable on her side wherefore he gave judgement that the Woman that gave him the Grayhound was y● younger and so she won the supper of 20 s. which she perceiving came to him and said Sir I gave you a Pidgion pye and you promised the verdite should goe on my side to whom M. Hobson said of a truth good woman there came a Gray-hound into my house and eat up the pigeon pye so by that meanes I quite forgot thee 25. Of the pride of M. Hobsons wife MAster Hobsons wife carrying something a stately mind and delighting in