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A02159 A quip for an vpstart courtier: or, A quaint dispute betvveen veluet breeches and clothbreeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all estates and trades. Greene, Robert, 1558?-1592. 1592 (1592) STC 12300; ESTC S105869 42,418 58

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pretious I gest them in that they pluckt them with greedienes so that I drew towards them to be partaker of their profites comming néerer I might see the weed they so wrangled for was a little dapper flowre like a grounde Hunmsuckle called thrift praised generally of all but practised for distillation but of fewe amongst the crue that seemed couetous of this hearbe there was a troope of old graibeards in veluet sattin and worsted iackets that stooped as nimbly to pluck it vppe by the rootes as if their ioynts had beene suppeled in the oile of misers skins they spared no labour and paines to get and gather and what they got they gaue to certaine yong boies and girles that stoode behind them with their skirtes and laps open to receiue it among whom some scattered it as fast as their fathers gathered it wasting and spoiling it at their pleasure which their fathers got with labour I thought them to be some Herbalists or some Apothecaries that had imploied such paines to extract some rare quintessence out of this floure but one standing by told me they were Cormorants and vserers that gathered it to fill their cofers with wherto quoth I is it pretious what is the vertue of it marry quoth he to qualify the heat of insatiable mindes that like the serpent Dipsas neuer drinketh enough till they are so full they burst whye then saide I the Deuill burst them all and with that I fell into a great laughter to see certain Italianate Cantes humorous Caualiers youthfull Gentlemen and Inonerati gagliardi that scornefully pluckt of it and wore it a while as if they were wery of it and at last left it as to base a flower to put in their nosegaies Others that seemed Homini di grandi stina by their lookes and their walkes gathered earnestlie and did pocket it vp as if they ment to keepe it carefullie but as they were carrieng it away there met them a troop of nice wantons faire women that like to Lamiae had faces like Angels eies like stars brests like the golden front in the Hesperides but from the middle downwardes theyr shapes like serpents These with Syrenlike allurement so entised these quaint squires that they bestowed al their flowers vpon them for fauours they themselues walking home by beggars bush for a pennance Amongst this crew were Lawyers and they gathered the Deuill and all but poore Poets were thrust backe and could not be suffered to haue one handfull to put amongst their withered garlands of baies to make them glorious But Hob and Iohn of the countrey they stept in churlishly in their high start-vps and gathered whole sackefuls insomuch they wore beesoms of Thrift in their Hats like forehorsses or the lusty Gallants in a Morrice dance séeing the true thus to wrangle for so paltry a weed I went alone to take one of all the other fragrant flowers that diapred this valley therby I saw the Batchelers buttons whose vertue is to make wanton maidens weepe when they haue worne it fortye weekes vnder their Aprons for a fauour Next them grew the dissembling daisie to warne suche light of loue wenches not to trust euery faire promise that such amorous Batchelers make them but sweete smels bréed bitter repentāce Hard by grew the true louers primrose whose kind sauour wisheth men to bee faithfull and women courteous Alongst in a border grew maidenhair fit for modest maidens to behold and immodest to blush at bicause it praiseth the one for their naturall Tresses and condemneth the other for their beastly and counterfeit Periwigs there was the gentle gilliflower that wiues should weare if they were not too froward and loiall Lauendar but that was full of Cuckoe-spits to shewe that womens light thoughts make their husbandes heauie heads there were sweet Lillies Gods plentie which shewed faire Virgins néed not wéepe for wooers and store of balme which could cure strange wounds onely not that wound which women receiue when they loose their maidenheads for no hearbe hath vertue ynough to scrape out that blot and therfore it is the greater blemish Infinit were the flowers beside that beautified the valie that to know their names and operations I néeded some curious herball but I passe them ouer as néedlesse sith the vision of their vertues was but a dreame and therefore I wish no man to hold any discourse herein authenticall yet thus much I must say for a parting blow that at the lower end of the dale I saw a great many of women vsing high words to their husbandes some striuing for the bréeches other to haue the last word some fretting they could not find a rush in a straw others striuing whether it were wooll or haire the gote bare questioning with one that I met why these women were so cholericke he like a skoffing fellow pointed to a bush of nettles I not willing to bee satisfyed with signes asked him what hee meant thereby Mary quoth he all these women that you heare brawling frowning and skolding thus haue seuerally pist on this bush of nettles and the vertue of them is to force a woman that waters thē to be as peeuish for a whole day and as waspishe as if she had bene stung in the browe with a hornet Well I smilde at this and left the company to seeke further when in the twinckling of an eye I was left alone the vallie cleered of all company and I a distressed man desirous to wander out of that solitarie place to séeke good consorts and boone companions to passe away the day withall As thus I walked forward looking vp the hill I was driuen halfe into a mase with the imagination of a strange woonder which fell out thus Me thought I sawe an vncouth headlesse thing come pacing downe the hil stepping so proudly with such a geometricall grace as if some artificiall bragant had resolued to measure the world with his paces I could not descry it to be a man although it had motion for that it wanted a body yet seeing legges and hose I supposed it to bée some monster nourisht vp in those desarts at last as it drue more nigh vnto mée I mighte perceiue that it was a very passing costlye payre of Veluet bréeches whose paynes béeing made of the cheefest Neapolitane stuffe was drawne out with the best Spanish sattin and maruellous curiouslye ouer whipte with Golde twist interseamed with knottes of Pearle the Neatherstocke was of the purest Granado Silke no cost was spared to set out these costlye breeches who had gyrte vnto them a Rapyer and Dagger gylt point pendaunt as quayntlye as if some curious Florentine had trickte them vp to square it vp and downe the streetes before his Mistresse As these Breeches were exceeding sumptuous to the eye so were they passing pompous in their gestures for they strowted vp and downe the Vallye as proudelye as though they had there appointed to act some desperat combat
A QVIP FOR AN VPstart Courtier Or A quaint dispute betvveen Veluet breeches and Clothbreeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all Estates and Trades LONDON Imprinted by Iohn Wolfe and are to bee sold at his shop at Poules chayne 1592. 〈…〉 that all Northamtonshire reports howe you are a father of the poore a supporter of auntient Hospitalitie an enimie to Pride and to be short a maintayner of Clothbreeches I meane of the old and worthie customs of the Gentilitie and yeomanrie of England Induced by these reasons I humbly present this Pamphlet to your Worship only crauing you will accept it as courtiously as I present it dutifully and then I haue the end of my desire and so resting in hope of your fauourable acceptance I humbly take my leaue Your dutiful adopted sonne Robert Greene. To the Gentlemen Readers health GEntle Gentlemen I hope Clothbreeches shall finde your gentle Censors of this homely Apologie of his antient prerogatiues sithe though he speakes againste Veluet breeches which you were yet hee twits not the weede but the vice not the apparell when t is worthily worne but the vnworthie person that weares it who sprang of a Peasant will vse any sinister meanes to clime to preferment beeing then so proude as the foppe forgets like the Asse that a mule was his father For auntient Gentility and yeomanrie Cloth breeches attempteth this quarrell and hopes of their fauour for vpstarts he is halfe careles and the more bicause hee knowes whatsoeuer some thinke priuately they will be no publike carpers least by kicking where they are toucht they bewray their gald backs to the world and by starting vppe to find fault proue themselues vpstarts and fooles So then poor Cloth breeches sets downe his rest on the courtesie of gentle gentlemen and bold Yeomen that they will suffer him to take no wrong But suppose the worst that hee should be fround at and that such occupations as he hath vpon conscience discarded from the Iury should commence an action of vnkindnesse against him hee le proue it not to hold plea because al the debate was but a dreame And so hoping all men will merrilie take it he standes sollemnlie leaning on his pike staffe till he heere what you conceaue of him for being so peremtorie If well he swears to cracke his hose at the knees to quite your courtesie If hardly he hath vowed that whatsoeuer he dreames neuer to blabbe it againe and so he wisheth me humbly to bid you farewell A quip for an vpstart Courtier IT was iust at that time when she Cuckeulds querister beganne to bewray Aprill Gentlemen with his neuer changed notes that I damped with a melancholy humor went into the fields to cleere vp my wittes with the fresh aire where solitarie séeking to sollace my selfe I fell in a dreame and in that drowsie slumber I wandered into a vale all tapistred with sweet and choice flowers ther grew many simples whose vertues taught me to be subtill and to thinke nature by hir wéedes warnd men to be wary and by their secret properties to checke wanton and sensuall imperfections Amongst the rest there was the yellow daffadil a flowre fit for gelous Dottrels who through the bewtie of their honest wiues grew suspitious so proue themselues in the end cuckhold Heretikes there budded out the checkerd Paunsie or party coloured Harts ease an herbe sieldome seene either of such men as are wedded to shrews or of such women as haue hastie husbandes yet there it grew and as I stept to gather it it slipt from me like Tantalus fruit that failes their maister At last woondring at this secret qualitie I learned that none can weare it bee they kings but such as desire no more then they are borne to nor haue their wishes aboue their fortunes Vppon a banke bororing by grew womens weeds Fenell I mean for flatterers fit generally for that Sex sithe while they are maidens they wish wantonly while they are wiues they will wilfully while they are widowes they woulde willinglie and yet all these proude desires are but close dissemblings Neere adioining sprouted out the Courtiers comfort Time An herb that many stumble on and yet ouerslip whose ranke sauor and thicke leaues haue this peculiar propertie to make a snaile if she taste of the sappe as swift as a swallow yet ioined with this preiudice that if she clime too hastilie she fals too suddenly Methought I saw diuers yong courtiers tread vpon it with high disdain but as they past away an Adder lurking there bit them by the heeles that they wept and then I might perceiue certaine clownes in clowted shoone gather it and eate of it with greedinesse which no sooner was sunke into theyr mawes but they were metamorphosed and lookt as proudly though pesants as if they had beene borne to bee princes companions Amongst the rest of these changelings whom the tast of time had thus altred there was some that lifted their heads so hie as if they had beene bred to look no lower then stars they thought Noli altum sapere was rather the saieng of a foole then the censure of a Phylosopher therfore stretch themselues on their tiptoes as if they had beene a kindred to the lord Tiptost and began to disdain their equals scorn their inferiours and euen their betters forgetting nowe that time had taught them to say masse how before they had plaid the Clarks part to say Amen to the priest Tush then they were not so little as Gentlemen and their owne conceipt was the Herald to blason their discent from an olde house whose great grandfathers would haue bin glad of a new cottage to hide their heads in Yet as the peacock wrapt in the pride of his beauteous feathers is knowne to be but a dunghill bird by his foule feet so though the high lookes and costly sutes argue to the eies of the world they were Caualiers of great worship yet the churlish illiberalitie of their minds bewraid their fathers were not aboue thrée pounds in the kings bookes at a subsidye but as these vpstart changelings went strouting like Philopo Limarchides the beagart in Plautus they lookt so proudlye at the same that they stumbled on a bed of Rue that grew at the bottome of the banke where the Time was planted which fall vpon the deaw of so bitter an herbe taught them that such proud peacocks as ouer hastilie out runne their fortunes at last to speedily fall to repentance and yet some of them smild and said Rue was called Her be grace which though they scorned in their youth they might weare in their age and it was neuer too late to saye Miserere As thus I stood musing at this time borne broad they vanisht away like Cadmus copesmates that sprang vppe of vipers teeth so that casting mine eie aside after them I saw where a crew of all estates were gathering flowers what kinde they were of I knew not but