together and a friend being with them at supper asked them how they could agree together being both so froward and testy the good man made him this answer When I am angry my wife beareth with me and when shee is angry I beare with her for with what heart can a man so much as touch a haire of his wiues head I meane rigorously for the husband ought to rebuke her with wordes secretly and seeke to reforme her by good counsell he ought to lay before her the shame of ill doing and the prayse of well doing if this will not serue yet he ought rather patiently to forbeare her then rigorously to beate her for she is flesh of his flesh there is no man so foolish to hurt his owne flesh a man ought to be a comforter of his wife but then hee ought not to be a tormenter of her for with what face can a man imbrace that body which his hands haue battered bruised or with what hart can a woman loue that man which can finde in his hart to beat her Also when a man findeth a painefull and a careful woman which knoweth when to spend and when to spare and to keepe the house in good order then the husband will not deny such a wife any necessary thing belonging to the house but if shee be a light huswife who liueth without doing of any thing without caring for husband children or seruants or any other thing belonging to the house thereby shewing although her body bee in the house yet her mind is abroad which redowndeth to her shame to her husbands great hinderance for whē the Mistresse is occupyed in vanity the seruants care lesse for her profite but looke to their own for while the Mistresse playeth the mayden strayeth But these men are to be laughed at who hauing a wise a sufficient wife to do all the worke within dores which belongs for a woman to doe yet the husband wil set hens abroad season the potte and dresse the meat or any the like worke which belongeth not to the man Such husband 's many times offend their wiues greatly and they wrong themselues for if they were imployed abroad in matters belonging to men they would be the more desirous being come home to take their case then to trouble their wiues and seruants in medling with their matters for the rule and gouernement of the house belongeth to the wife And he that hath a wife of his owne and goeth to another woman is like a rich theefe which will steale when he hath no need Amongst all the creatures that God hath created there is none more subiect to misery then a woman especially those that are fruitfull to beare children for they haue fearce a months rest in a whole yeare but are continually ouercome with paine sorrow feare as indeed the danger of child-bearing must needs bee a great terror to women which are counted but weake vessels in respect of men and yet it is supposed that there is no disease that a man indureth that is one halfe so grieuous or paineful as child-bearing to a woman Let it be the tooth-ache goute or collicke nay if a man had all these at once yet nothing comparable to a womans paine in her trauell with child Now if thou like not my reasons to expell loue then thou mayest trie Ouids art who prescribes a salue for such a sore for he counsels those which feele this horrible heate to coole their flames with hearbes which are cold of nature as Rew and Lettis other hearbes too long to recite also he sayth thou shouldest abstaine from excesse of meate and drinke for that prouokes thy mind greatly to lust also to hunt to hawke to shoot to bowle to run to wrastle and some other play for this will keepe thy mind from thinking of lust also shun slothfulnes and idlenesse for these are the onely nurses of loue eschew melancholy or sadnesse and keepe merry company turne thy eyes from the place where bewitching spirites are lest the remembrance doe increase and rubbe thy galled mind also to eschew the place where thou didst first feele the fire that burneth thy mind with such vnquiet thoughts Likewise saith he beware thou doe not twise peruse the secret flattering letters of thy supposed friendly ioy for if thou doe not refuse the often view thereof it will much increase thy griefe dolour and annoy vse no talke of her whom thou louest nor once name her for that will increase thy care by thinking in thy minde that thou beholdest her face but some are perswaded that no rules of reason can asswage this griefe for loue is lawlesse and obeyes no law no nor yet no counsell can perswade nor take effect or subdue the affection of his bewitched spirits Furthermore Ouid prescribes other reasons to expell the heate of loue for where loue is setled the louers are many times hindered of their purpose sometimes for want of friends consent or distance of place then in such a case his counsell is to loue two or three for loue being so diuided makes the loue of one the lesse thought vpon or else sayeth he satisfie thy lust vpon some other dame for it will also helpe to weare the former loue out of thy mind Loe thus Ouid shott but yet hee mist the marke not for want of learning but for want of grace for grace subdues and treades all vices vnder foot although mortall meanes doth prescribe diuers other diets to waste the heate of loues desire as long absence from the place where thy liking liues for the coales of company doth kindle and heate the heart that with absence would be voyde of harme for absence doth quallifie that fire and coole the mindes of those which many times the company of wantons doth warm for he which doth not shun the place where Venus in her glory sits hath no care of himselfe but suffers her to supprize his wits The Bearebayting or the vanity of widdowes choose you whether WOe be vnto that vnfortunate man that matcheth himselfe vnto a widdow for a widdow will be the cause of a thousand woes yet there are many that doe wish themselues no worse matched then to a rich widdow but thou doest not know what griefes thou ioynest with thy gaines for if shee be rich shee will looke to gouerne and if shee be poore then art thou plagued both with beggery and bondage againe thy paines will be double in regard of him which marrieth with a maid for thou must vnlearne thy widdow and make her forget her former corrupt and disordered behauiour the which if thou take vpon thee to doe thou hadst euen as good vndertake to wash a Blackamore white for commonly widdowes are so froward so waspish and so stubborne that thou canst not wrest them from their willes and if thou thinke to make her good by stripes thou must beate her to death One hauing married with a froward widdow she called him
THE ARAIGNMENT OF LEVVD IDLE FROward and vnconstant women Or the vanitie of them choose you whether With a Commendation of wise vertuous and honest Women Pleasant for married Men profitable for young Men and hurtfull to none LONDON Printed by George Purslowe for Thomas Archer and are to be solde at his shop in Popes-head Pallace neere the Royall Exchange 1615. NEITHER TO THE BEST NOR yet to the worst but to the common sort of WOMEN MVsing with my selfe being idle and hauing little ease to passe the time withal and I being in a great choller against some women I mean more then one And so in the ruffe of my fury taking my pen in hand to beguile the time withall indeed I might haue imployed my selfe to better vse then in such an idle busines and better it were to pocket vp a pelting iniury then to intangle my selfe with such vermine for this I know that because women are women therefore many of them will doe that in an howre which they many times will repent all their whole life time after yet for any iniury which I haue reccyued of thē the more I consider of it the lesse I esteem of the same Yet perhaps some may say vnto me that I haue sought for honey caught the Bee by the tayle or that I haue bin bit or stung with some of these waspes otherwise I could neuer haue beene expert in bewraying their qualities for the mother would neuer haue sought her daughter in the Ouen but that shee was there her selfe Indeed I must confesse I haue been a traueller this thirty odde yeeres and many trauellers liue in disdaine of women the reason is for that their affections are so poysoned with the haynous euils of vnconstant women which they happen to bee acquainted with in their trauels for it doth so cloy their stomacks that they censure bardly of women euer afterwards wronged men will not be tongue-tyed therefore if you doe ill you must not thinke to heare well for although the world bee bad yet it is not come to that passe that men should beare with all the bad conditions that are in some women I know I shall be bitten by many because I touch many but before I goe any further let mee whisper one word in your eares and that is this whatsoeuer you thinke privately I wish you to conceale it with silence lest in starting up to find fault you proue your selues guilty of these monstrous accusations which are here following against some women those which spurne if they feele themselues touched proue themselues stark fooles in bewraying their galled backs to the world for this booke toucheth no sort of women but such as when they heare it will goe about to reproue it for although in some part of this booke I trip at your heeles yet I will stay you by the hand so that you shall not fall further then you are willing although I deale with you after the manner of a shrow which cannot otherwise ease her curst heart but by her vnhappy tongue If I be too earnest beare with me a little for my meaning is not to speake much of those that are good I shall speake too little of those that are naught but yet I will not altogether condemn the bad but hoping to better the good by the naughty examples of the bad for there is no woman so good but hath one idle part or other in her which may be amended for the clearest Riuer that is hath some durt in the bottome Iewels are all precious but yet they are not all of one price nor all of one vertue gold is not all of one picture no more are women all of one disposition women are all necessary euills and yet not all giuen to wickednesse and yet many so bad that in my conceit if I should speake the worst that I know by some women I should make their eares glow that heare mee and my tongue would blister to report it but it is a great discredite for a man to be accounted for a scold for scolding is the maner of shromes therfore I had rather answere them with silence which find fault then striue to win the Cucking-stoole frō them Now me thinks I heare some curious Dames giue their rash iudgements say that I hauing no wit descant vpon womē which haue more wit then men To answere you again If I belie you iudge me vnkind but if I speake the truth I shall be the better belieued another time and if I had wrote neuer so well it is vnpossible to please all and if neuer so ill yet I shall please some Let it bee well or ill I looke for no prayse for my labor I am weined from my mothers teat and therfore neuer more to bee fed with her pap wherefore say what you will for I will follow my own vein in vnfolding euery pleat and shewing euery wrinckle of a womans disposition and yet I will not made so farre ouer the shooes but that I may returne drie nor so far in but that I may easily escape out and yet for all that I must confesse my selfe to be in a fault and that I haue offended you beyond satisfaction for it is hard to giue a sufficient recompence for a slaunder and yet here after if by no meanes I cannot obtaine your fauour to be one of your Pulpit-men yet you cannot deny me to be one of your Parish and therefore if you please but to place me in the body of the Church hereafter you shall find my deuotion so great towards you as he that kneeleth at the Chancell dore for I wrote this booke with my hand but not with my heart Indeed when I first began to write this booke my wits were gone a wool-gathering in so much that in a maner forgetting my selfe and so in the rough of my fury I vowed for euer to be an open enemy vnto women but when my fury was a little past I began to consider the blasphemy of this infamous booke against your sects I then tooke my pen and cut him in twenty peeces and had it not been for hurting my selfe I would haue cut my own fingers which held my pen and furthermore for penance I do craue that my selfe may be a Iudge against my selfe but yet assure your selues of all euils I will choose the least wherefore I choose rather to beare a fagot then burn by the fagot you may perceyue the wind is changed into another dore and that I begin to be sea-sicke and yet not past halfe a mile on the salt water and that my mouth hath vttered that in my fury which my heart neuer thought and therefore I confesse that my tongue hath gone beyond my wits for I do surmise that the sauce which I haue made is too sharpe for your dyet and the flowers which I haue gathered are too strong for your noses but if I had brought little dogs from Iceland or fine glasses from
Venice then I am sure that you would either haue wooed me to haue them or wished to see them But I will here conclude this first Epistle praying you with patience to heare the rest for if I offend you at the first I will make you amends at the last and so I leaue you to him whose seate is in Heauen and whose footestoole is the Earth Yours in the way of Honesty Ioseph Swetnam To the Reader Reade it if you please and like as you list neyther to the wisest Clarke nor yet to the starkest Foole but vnto the ordinary sort of giddy-headed young men I send this greeting IF you meane to see the Beare-bayting of womē then trudge to this Beare-garden apace and get in betimes and view euery roome where thou mayest best sit for thy owne pleasure profite and hearts ease beare with my rudenes if I chance to offend thee But before I doe open this trunke full of torments against women I thinke it were not amisse to resemble those which in old time did sacrifices to Hercules for they vsed continually first to whip all their dogges out of their City and I thinke it were not amisse to driue all the women out of my hearing for doubt lest this little sparke kindle into such a flame and rayse so many stinging Hornets humming about my eares that all the wit I haue will not quench the one nor quiet the other for I feare me that I haue set down more then they will like of and yet a great deale lesse then they deserue and for better proofe I refer my selfe to the iudgement of men which haue more experience then my selfe for I esteem little of the malice of women for men will be perswaded with reason but women must be answered with silence for I know women will barke more at me then Cerberus the two-headed dog did at Hercules when he came into Hell to fetch out the fayre Proserpina and yet I charge them now but with a bulrush in respect of a second booke which is almost ready I doe now but fret them with false fire but my next charge shal be with weapons and my larum with powder and shot for then wee will goe vpon these venemous Adders Serpents and Snakes and tread and trample them vnder our feet for I haue known many stung with some of these Scorpions and therefore I warne all men to beware the Scorpton I knowe women will bite the lip at mee and censure hardly of mee but I feare not the curst Cowe for she commonly hath short horns let them censure of me what they wil for I meane not to make them my Iudges and if they shoot their spite at me they may hit themselues and so I will smile at them as at the foolish Fly which burneth her selfe in the candle And so friend Reader if thou hast any discretion at all thou mayest take a happy example by these most lasciuious and crafty whorish theeuish knauish women which were the cause of this my idle time spending and yet I haue no warrant to make thee beleeue this which I write to be true but yet the simple Bee gathereth honey where the venemous Spider doth her poyson And so I will hinder thee no longer from that which insueth But here I wil conclude lest thou hast cause to say that my Epistles are longer then my booke a Booke I hope I may call it without any offence for the Collyer cals his Horse a Horse the Kings great Steed is but a Horse If thou read but the beginning of a booke thou canst giue no iudgement of that which insueth therefore I say is the Frier who in the midst of his Sermon said ofte that the best was behind And so if thou reade it all ouer thou shalt not be deluded for the best is behind I thinke I haue shot so neere the white that some wil account me for a good Archer And so praying thee to looke to thy footing that thou run not ouer thy shooes and so be past recouery before my second booke come Thy friend JOSEPH SVVETNAM CHAP. I. This first Chapter sheweth to what vse Women were made it also sheweth that most of them degenerate from the vse they were framed vnto by leading a proud lazy and idle life to the great hinderance of their poore Husbands MOses describeth a Woman thus At the first beginning saith hee a woman was made to be a helper vnto man so they are indeed for she helpeth to spend and consume that which man painefully getteth Hee also saith that they were made of the ribbe of a man and that their froward nature sheweth for a ribbe is a crooked thing good for nothing else and women are crooked by nature for small occasion will cause them to be angry Againe in a manner shee was no sooner made but straightway her mind was set vpon mischiefe for by her aspiring minde and wanton will shee quickly procured mans fall and therfore euer since they are and haue beene a woe vnto man and follow the line of their first leader For I pray you let vs consider the times past with the time present first that of Dauid and Salomon if they had occasion so many hundred yeares agoe to exclaime so bitterly against women for the one of them said that it was better to be a doore-keeper and better dwel in a den amongst Lyons then to be in the house with a froward and wicked woman and the other said that the climing vp of a sandy hill to an aged man was nothing so wearisome as to be troubled with a froward woman and further he saith that the malice of a beast is not like the malice of a wicked woman nor that there is nothing more dangerous then a woman in her fury The Lion being bitten with hunger the Beare being robbed of her young ones the Viper being trod on all these are nothing so terrible as the fury of a woman A Bucke may be inclosed in a Parke a bridle rules a horse a Woolfe may be tied a Tyger may be tamed but a froward woman will neuer be tamed no spur will make her goe nor no bridle will hold her backe for if a woman hold an opinion no man can draw her from it tell her of her fault she will not beleeue that she is in any fault giue her good counsell but she will not take it if you doe but looke after another woman then she will be iealous the more thou louest her the more she will disdaine thee and if thou threaten her then she wil be angry flatter her and then she will be proud and if thou forbeare her it maketh her bold and if thou chasten her then she will turne to a Serpent at a word a woman will neuer forget an iniury nor giue thanks for a good turne what wise man then will exchange gould for drosse pleasure for paine a quiet life for wrangling brawles from the which the
afterwards with sorrow say that there is more belongs to house-keeping then foure bare legges in a bed A man cannot liue with his hands in his bosome nor buy meat in the market for honesty without money where there is nothing but bare walls it is a fit house to breed beggers into the world yet there are many which thinke when they are married that they may liue by loue but if wealth be wanting hot loue will soone be cold and your hot desires will be soone quenched with the smoke of pouerty To what end then should we liue in loue seeing it is a life more to be feared then death for all thy mony wastes in toyes and is spent in banqueting and al thy time in sighes and sobbes to thinke vpon thy trouble and charge which commonly commeth with a wife for commonly women are proud without profit and that is a good purgation for thy purse and when thy purse is light then will thy heart be heauie The pride of a woman is like the dropsie for as drinke increaseth the drouth of the one euen so money enlargeth the pride of the other thy purse must be alwaie open to feed their fancy and so thy expences will be great and yet perhaps thy gettings small thy house must be stored with costly stuffe and yet perhaps thy Seruants starued for lacke of meat thou must discharge the Mercers book and pay the Haberdashers man for her Hat must continually be of the new fashion her Gowne of finer wool then the sheepe beareth any she must likewise haue her Iewell-box furnished especially if she be beautifull for then commonly beauty and pride goeth together and a beautifull woman is for the most part costly and no good huswife and if she be a good huswife then no seruant will abide her fierce cruelty and if shee be honest and chaste then commonly she is iealous a Kings crowne and a faire woman is desired of many But he that getteth either of them liueth in great troubles and hazzard of his life he that getteth a faire woman is like vnto a Prisoner loaden with fetters of golde for thou shalt not so oft kisse the sweet lippes of thy beautifull wife as thou shalt bee driuen to fetch bitter sighes from thy sorrowful heart in thinking of the charge which commeth by her for if thou deny her of such toyes as she stands not in neede of and yet is desirous of them then she will quickly shut thee out of the doores of her fauor deny thee her person and shew her selfe as it were at a window playing vpon thee not with small shot but with a cruell tongue shee will ring thee such a peale that one would thinke the Deuill were come from Hell saying I might haue had those which would haue maintained me like a woman whereas now I goe like no-body but I will be maintained if thou wert hanged with such like words she will vex thee blubbering forth abundance of dissembling teares for women doe teach their eies to weepe for doe but crosse a woman although it be neuer so little shee will straightway put finger in the eye and cry then presently many a foolish man will flatter her and intreat her to be quiet but that marres all for the more shee is intreated shee will powre forth the more aboundance of deceitfull teares and therefore no more to be pittied then to see a Goose goe barefoote for they haue teares at commaund so haue they wordes at will and oathes at pleasure for they make as much account of an oath as a Marchant doth which will forsweare himselfe for the getting of a penny I neuer yet knew woman that would deny to sweare in defence of her own honesty and alwaies standing highly vpon it although she be ashamed to weare it in winter for catching of colde nor in summer for heat fearing lest it may melt away Many will say this which I write is true and yet they cannot beware of the Deuill vntill they are plagued with his Dam the little Lambe skips and leapes till the Fox come but then he quiuers and shakes the Beare daunces at the stake till the Dogges be vpon his backe and some men neuer feare their money vntill they come into the hands of theeues euen so some will neuer bee warned and therefore us not to be pittied if they be harmed what are women that make thee so greedily to gape after them Indeed some their faces are fairer and beautifuller then others some againe stand highly vppon their fine foot and hand or else all women are alike Ione is as good as my Lady according to the Countrey mans Prouerbe who gaue a great summe of money to lye with a Lady and going homewards he made a greeuous mone for his money and one being on the other side the hedge heard him say that his Ione at home was as good as the Lady But whether this bee true or no my selfe I doe not know but you haue it as I heard it If thou marriest a woman of euill report her discredit will be a spotte in thy brow thou canst not goe in the street with her without mocks nor amongst thy neighbours without frumps and commonly the fairest women are soonest intised to yeeld vnto vanity hee that hath a faire wife and a whetstone euery one will bee whetting thereon and a Castle is hard to keepe when it is assaulted by many and faire women are commonly catched at hee that marrieth a faire woman euery one will wish his death to enioy her and if thou be neuer so rich and yet but a Clowne in condition then will thy faire Wife haue her credit to please her fancy for a Diamond hath not his grace but in gold no more hath a faire woman her full commendations but in the ornament of her brauery by which meanes there are diuers women whose beauty hath brought their husbands into great pouerty and discredit by their pride and whooredome a faire woman commonly will goe like a Peacocke and her Husband must goe like a Woodcocke That great Giant Pamphimapho who had Beares waiting vpon him like Dogges and he could make tame any wild beast yet a wanton woman hee could neuer rule nor turne to his will Salomon was the wisest Prince that euer was yet he lusted after so many women that they made him quickly forsake his God which did alwaies guide his steppes so long as he liued godly And was not Dauid the best beloued of God and a mighty Prince yet for the loue of women he purchased the displeasure of his God Sampson was the strongest man that euer was for euery lock of his head was the strength of another man yet by a woman he was ouercome hee reuealed his strength and payed his life for that folly Did not Iesabel for her wicked lust cause her husbands blood to be giuen to dogs Iobs wife gaue her husband counsell to blaspheme God and to curse him Agamemnons wife for a
man he would neuer haue called them necessary euils and what are they better for what do they either get or gaine saue or keepe nay they doe rather spend and consume all that which man painefully getteth a man must be at all the cost and yet liue by the losse It is very easie for him which neuer experienced himselfe in that vaine pleasure or repenting pleasure choose you whether I meane the accompanying of lewd women but such as are exercised and experimented in that kind of drudgery they I say haue a continuall desire and temptation is ready at hand therefore take heed at the first suffer not thy selfe to bee led away into lustfull folly for it is more easie for a young man or maid to forbeare carnall act then it is for a widdow and yet more easie for a widdow then for her that is married and hath her husband wanting then take heed at the first for there is nothing gotten by women but repentance For women are like the Bay tree which is euer green but without fruit or like the vnprofitable thorne which beareth as trim a blossome as the apple this is nothing but to tell thee that thou must not iudge of gold by the colour nor of womens qualities by their faces nor by their speeches for they haue delicate tongues which wil rauish and tickle the itching eares of giddy headed yong men so foolish that they thinke themselues happy if they can but kisse the dazie whereon their loue doth tread who if she frowne then he descends presently into hell but if she smile then is hee carried with wings vp into heauen there is an old saying that when a dog wags his tayle he loues his master Some thinke that if a woman smile on them she is presently ouer head and eares in loue one must weare her gloue another her garter another her colours of delight and another shall spend and liue vpon the spoile which shee getteth from all the rest then if thou wilt giue thy body to the Chirurgian and thy soule to the Deuill such women are fit for thy diet Many creatures of euery kind resemble women in conditions for some horse an vnskilfull rider can hardly disorder and some againe in despight of the best rider that is will haue a iadish tricke some Hawke although he be ill serued yet will sit quiet and some if neuer so well serued yet will continually flie at checke againe some hounds by no meanes will forsake their vndertaken game and some againe in despite of the huntsman will continually runne at randome and some men will steale if their hands were bound behind them and some againe will rather sterue then steale euen so some women will not bee wonne with seauen yeares louing and some againe will offend with an houres liberty Therfore if thou study a thousand yeares thou shalt find a woman nothing else but a contrary vnto man nay if thou continue with her a hundreth yeares yet thou shalt find in her new fancies and contrary sorts of behauiour therefore if all the world were paper and all the sea inke and all the trees and plants were pens and euery man in the world were a writer yet were they not able with all their labour and cunning to set downe all the crafty deceits of women Now me thinks I heare some of you say that young wits are soone corrupted and that womens bright beauty breedeth curious thoughts in men also golden gifts easily ouercommeth wanton womens desires and thereby make them become Venus darlings quite changing customes of modesty into passions of vanity wherein once delighted they continue in the same without repentance or sorrow But out alas you lasciuious Dames these lewd conditions of yours will speedily bring all your ioyes to sorrow CHAP. III. This third Chapter sheweth a remedy against loue also many reasons not to be too hasty in choise of a Wife But if no remedy but thou wilt marry then how to choose a wife with a Commendation of the good vertuous and honest Women BE not too hasty to marry for doubt lest thou marry in haste and repent by leysure For there are many troubles which commeth galloping at the heeles of a woman which many young men before-hand doe not thinke of the world is not all made of Otemeale nor all is not golde that glisters nor a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart nor the way to heauen is not strewed with rushes no more is the cradle of ease in a womans lappe if thou wert a seruant or in bondage before yet when thou marriest thy toyle is neuer the neer ended but euen then and not before thou changest thy golden life which thou didst leade before in respect of the married for adtop of hony which quickly turneth to bee as bitter as worm-wood And therefore farre better it were to haue two plowes going then one cradle and better a barne filled then a bed therefore cut off the occasion which may any way bring thee into fooles Paradice Then first and aboue all shun idleness for idlenes is the beginner and maintainer of loue therfore apply thy selfe about some affaires or be occupied about some businesse for so long as thy minde or thy body is in labour the loue of a woman is not remembred nor lust neuer thought vpon but if thou spend thy time idlely amongst women thou art like vnto him which playeth with the Bee who may sooner feele of her sting then taste of her hony he that toucheth pitch may bee desiled therewith Roses vnaduisedly gathered prickle our fingers Bees vngently handled sting our faces and yet the one is pleasant and the other is profitable and if thou be in company of women the Deuill himselfe hath not more illusions to get men into his net then women haue deuices and inuentions to allure men into their loue and if thou suffer thy selfe once to be led into fooles paradice that is to say the bed or closet wherein a woman is then I say thou art like a bird snared in a Lime-bush which the more she striueth the faster she is It is vnpossible to fall amongst stones and not bee hurt or amongst thornes and not be prickt or amongst nettles and not be stung a man cannot carry fire in his bosome and not burne his cloathing no more can a man liue in loue but it is 〈◊〉 as wearisome as hell and hee that marrieth a wife matcheth himselfe vnto many troubles If thou mariest a still and a quiet woman that will seeme to thee that thou ridest but an ambling horse to hell but if with one that is froward and vnquiet then thou wert as good ride a trotting horse to the Deuill heerein I wil not be my owne caruer but I referre you to the judgement of those which haue seene the troubles and felt the torments for none are better able to judge of womens qualities then those which haue them none feeles the hardnesse
and threw a chamber-pot out of a window on his head Ha ha quoth hee I thought after all this thunder there would come raine There is an history maketh mention of one named Annynious who inuited a friend of his to go home with him to supper but when he came home he found his wife chiding and brawling with her maidens where at his guest was very much discontented Annynious turning to him said Good Lord how impatient art thou I haue suffered her these twenty yeares and canst not thou abide her two houres by which meanes he caused his wife to leaue chiding and laughed out the matter There is no woman but either she hath a long tongue or a longing tooth and they are two ill neighbours if they dwell together for the one will lighten thy purse if it be still pleased and the other will waken thee from thy sleepe if it be not charmed Is it not strange of what kinde of mettall a womans tongue is made of that neither correction can chastise nor faire meanes quiet for there is a kinde of venome in it that neither by faire meanes nor foule they are to be ruled All beasts by man are made tame but a womans tongue will neuer be lame it is but a small thing and seldome seene but it is often heard to the terror and vtter confusion of many a man Therfore as a sharpe bit curbes a froward horse euen so a curst woman must be roughly vsed but if women could hold their tongues then many times men would hold their hands As the best metlted blade is mixt with iron euen so the best woman that is is not free from faults the goodliest gardens are notfree from weeds no more is the best nor the fairest woman from ill deeds He that vseth troth to tell May blamed be though he say well If thou be young marry not yet If thou be old thou wilt haue more wit For young mens wiues will not be taught And olde mens wiues are good for nought When he that for a woman striueth by law Shall striue like a cox-comb and proue but a daw Then buy not thou with ouermuch cost The thing which yeelds but labour lost Diuers beasts and fowle by nature haue more strength in one part of the body then in another as the Eagle in the beake the Vnicorne in the horne the Bull in the head the Beare in his armes the Horse in his brest the Dogge in his teeth the Serpent in his tayle but a womans chiefe strength is in her tongue the Serpent hath not so much venome in his tayle as she hath in her tongue and as the Serpent neuer leaueth hissing and stinging and seeking to doe mischiefe euen so some women are neuer well except they be casting out venome with their tongues to the hurt of their husbands or of their neighbours therefore he that will disclose his secrets to a woman is worthy to haue his hayre cut with Samson for if thou vnfoldest any thing of secret to a woman the more thou chargest her to keepe it close the more she will seeme as it were to bee with childe till shee haue reuealed it amongst her gossips yet if one should make doubt of her secresie shee would seeme angry and say I am no such light huswife of my tongue as they whose secrets lye at their tongues ends which flies abroad so soone as they open their mouthes therefore feare not to disclose your secrets to mee for I was neuer touched with any stayne of my tongue in all my life nay shee will not sticke to sweare that she will treade it vnder foot or bury it vnder a stone yet for all this beleeue her not for euery woman hath one especiall gossip at the least which shee doth loue affect aboue all the rest and vnto her shee runneth with al the secrets she knoweth There is an history making mention of one Lyas whom King Amasis commanded to goe into the market and to buy the best and profitablest meat he could get and hee bought nothing but tongues the King asked him the reason why he bought no other meat who made this answer I was commanded to buy the best meate and from the tongue came many good and profitable speaches then the king sent him again and bade him buy the worst and vnprofitablest meate and he likewise bought nothing but tongues the King againe asked him the reason from nothing said hee commeth worse venome then from the tongue and such tongues must women haue Romaine history maketh mention of one of the chiefe gouernors of Rome that had a sonne whose name was Papirius whose father tooke him with him to the Councell-house that thereby he might learne wisdome wishinge him withall to keepe their secrets his mother was diuers times asking of the boy what they did at the Counsaile-house and what the cause was of theire often meeting one a time young Papirius fearing to displease his father and hoping to satisfie his mother tould her this Mother said he there is hard hold amongst them about making of a law that euery man shall haue two wiues or euery woman two husbands and so far as I can perceyue it is likely to be concluded vpon that euery man shall haue two wiues The next day when his father and he were gone to the Counsaile-house shee bestirred her selfe and got most of the chiefe women of the City together and tould them what a law was like to be made if it were not preuented and so to the Counsaile-house they went a great flocke of them but when they came in the Gouernours were all amazed and asked the cause of their comming and one of the women hauinge leaue to speake saide thus Wheras you are about to make a law that euery man shal haue two wiues consider with yourselues what vnquietnesse and strife thereby will arise but said shee it were better that one woman should haue two husbands that if the one were on businesse abroad the other might bee at home Now when the Gouernours heard this speach they maruailed wherupon it should arise then young Papirius requested that he might speake who presently resolued them the cause of the womens comming so they greatly commended the boy and laughed the women to scorne Here thou maist perceiue by a taste what wine is in the butt if the Dragons head be full of poyson what venome then think you lurketh in the tayle All this is but to tell thee of the doubts and dangers that come by marriage yet I would not haue all men feare to lye in the grasse because a Snake lyeth there nor all men feare to go to Sea because some men are drowned at Sea neither doe I warrant al men to feare to goe to their beds because many dy in their beds then marry a Gods name but againe and againe take heede to the choyce of thy wife Marry not for beautie without vertue nor choose for riches without good conditions Salomon amongst
yet I will not say but amongst dust there is Pearle found and in hard rockes Dyamonds of great value and so amongst many women there are some good as that gracious and glorious Queene of all womankinde the Virgin Mary the mother of al blisse what won her honour but an humble minde and her paines and loue vnto our Sauiour Christ. Sara is commended for the earnest loue that she bare to her husband not onely for calling him Lord but for many other quallities Also Susanna for her chastity and for creeping on her knees to please her husband but there are meaner histories which makes mention of many others as that of Demetryes how that shee was content to run Lackey by her husbands side Likewise Lucretia for the loue and loyalty that shee bare to her husband being vnkindly abused by an vnchast lecher against her will she presently flew her selfe in the presence of many rather then shee would offer her body againe to her husband being but one time defiled It is recorded of an Earle called Guncalles that vpon the Kings displeasure was committed to prison and his wife hauing liberty to visite him in prison on a time she caused him to put off his apparrell and to put on hers so by that meanes got out by the Porter and she remained in prison and so by this meanes he escaped the angry rage of his Prince and afterwards his wife was deliuered also Likewise it was no small loue that Artymenes bare to her husband for after his death shee built such a famous Sepulchre and bestowed the greatest part of her wealth thereon in so much as at this day it is called one of the seuen great wonders of the world Also Pliny makes mention of a Fisher-man which dwelt neere vnto the Sea side and hee fell sicke of an vncurable disease by which meanes hee endured such torment and paine that it would haue grieued any creature to behold him his carefull and louing wife laboured trauelled farre and neere to procure his health againe but at last seeing all meanes in vaine shee brake out with him in these words Death at one time or another will come and therefore rather then you should any longer indure this miserable life I am content that both of vs preuent death before hee come so this poore grieued mā did yeeld to her counsell and they went forth to the top of an exceeding high Rocke there this woman bound her selfe fast to her husband and from thence casting themselues downe ended their liues together Now I doe not commend this death to be godly although it shewed great loue in the woman no doubt but the King of Ayra had a very kind and louing wife as shall appeare for when Alexander the great had depriued him of the greatest part of his kingdome yet he bare it out very patiently with a valiant and manly courage and without any shew of outward griefe at all but when newes was brought him that his wife was dead he then most grieuously brake into teares and wept bitterly and withall hee said that the losse of his whole Kingdome should not haue grieued him so much as the death of his wife It is also recorded of Alexander that at the death of his wife he made such a sorrowfull kind of speech for her saying Death were kind if he tooke nothing but that which offendeth but he hath taken her away which neuer offended Oh death thou hast bereaued mee of the better part of my life It is also said of Valerius Maximus that he on a time finding two Serpents in his bed-chamber being strangely amazed thereat he demaunded of the South-sayers what it meaned and they answered him That of necessity he must kill one of them and if he killed the male then hee himselfe must first die and if the female then his wife should die before him because he loued his wife better then himselfe he most grieuously made choyce of the male and killed him first and shortly after he dyed leauing his wife a widdow Such a kind foole to his wife was Adam for hee was forbidden on paine of death not to eate of the tree of good and euill yet for all that Adam notwithstanding to gratifie his wiues kindnesse and for loue he bare her refused not to hazzard his life by breach of that commaundement But because in all things there is a contrary which sheweth the difference betwixt the good and the bad euen so both of men and women there are contrary sortes of behauiour if in thy choise thou happen on a good wife desire not to change for there is a Prouerbe faith Seldome commeth a better And there is none poorer then those that haue had many wiues Thou maist beare a good affection towards thy wife yet let her not know it thou maist loue her well and yet not carrie her on thy backe a man may loue his house well and yet not ride on the ridge loue thy wife and speake her faire although thou doe but flatter her for women loue to be accounted beautifull and to be mistresses of many maides to liue without controlement and kinde wordes as much please a woman as any other thing whatsoeuer and a mans chiefest desire should be first the grace of God a quiet life and an honest wife a good report and a friend in store and then what neede a man to aske any more Saint Paul saith those which marry doe well but he also saith those which marry not doe better but yet also he sayeth that it is better to marry then to burne in lust A merry companion being asked by his friend why hee did not marry he made this answere and said That hee had beene in Bedlam two or three times and yet hee was neuer so mad to marry and yet there is no ioy nor pleasure in the world which may bee compared to marriage so the parties are of neere equall yeeres and of good qualities then good fortune and bad is welcome to them both their cares are equall and their ioyes equall come what will all is welcome all is common betwixt them the husband doth honour and reuerence her and if he be rich he committeth all his goods to her keeping and if he be poore and in aduersity then he beareth but the one halfe of the griefe furthermore shee will comfort him with all the comfortable means she can deuise and if he will stay solitary in his house she wil keepe him company if he will walke into the fields why shee will goe with him and if he be absent from home shee sigheth often and wisheth his presence being come home he findeth content sitting smiling in euery corner of his house to giue him a kind and a hearty welcome home and she receiueth him with the best and greatest ioy that she can Many are the ioyes and sweet pleasures in marriage as in our children being young they play prattle laugh and shew