A BRIDE-BVSH OR A WEDDING SERMON Compendiously describing the duties of Married Persons By performing whereof Marriage shall be to them a great Helpe which now finde it a little Hell Marriage is honourable amongst all men but Whoremongers and Adulterers God will iudge Heb. 13.4 Printed at London by William Iaggard for Nicholas Bourne and are to be sold at his shop at the entrance into the Royall Exchange 1617. To the Reader CHristian Reader Marriage hath scarse more that vse then that accuse it Most men enter into this estate and beeing entred complaine therof They should rather complaine of themselues It is an vniust thing and a fruit of ignorant pride to cast the blame of our greeuances vpon Gods ordinances I had bene happie saith one had I not bene married Then wast thou foolish both before and since thy marriage Vse it well it shall adde to thine happinesse We make bitter sawce and cry out that the meate is bitter Thou liuest in Matrimony not after Gods direction but the rules crooked rules they be of thine owne lusts and then sayest Oh that I had neuer married Oh that I were vnmarried For shame keepe silence thy crying shewes thy disease Thou art indeed married to an ill companion thy wicked flesh that body of death that old husband and art pestered with its brood and neither seekest a diuorce from this tyrant nor endeauourest to crucify the wicked off-spring thereof Hence are thy woes not thy Husband not thy Wife but thy pride thy passion cause all this annoyance all this discontentment I labour in this little Treatise to plead the cause of marriage not so much directly in speech as indeede actually by directing the married to the knowledge and practise of their duties which would mend all These what soeuer man and woman indeuour to follow if they prooue not marriage a solace to their soules and refreshing to their other greefes let mee neuer but greeue These things I commend to thine vnderstanding to thy life vse them and then say how thou speedest I intended them at first for a few and now communicate them to many It is no vncharitable I am sure I hope no vnprofitable deed I desire thou shouldest make some vse of them therefore I make them publicke if not bee ignorant and complaine still I meane them not to the learned that can finde out better directions for themselues but to those whose place is not too good to learne of the meanest Teacher euen vnto men of the same ranke as they for the most part were to whom I spake them If this worke profite I am glad then I know it shall please howsoeuer thou hast it Reader and better shouldst haue had if my store affoorded any better I hope thou wilt not blame me for meaning well and doing no harme So I commend thee to the Lord. Banburie August 20. 1608. Thine in the Lord W. W. A BRIDE-BVSH OR A Wedding Sermon IF it were not growne out of custome to preach without a text I should thinke that the fittest course for meetings of this nature No one place of Scripture doth either directly containe or plainly expresse the full dutie of the married couple which yet from many places may well bee collected into the body of one discourse But lest I should seeme to affect nouelty in recalling the long disused practise of antiquity I will make the ground of all my speech those words of the Apostle Paul Ephes 5.23 where hee saith The Husband is the Wiues head THe comparison which the holy Ghost heere vseth affords this generall point That there is a mutuall bond of duty standing betwixt man and wife They are indebted each to other in a reciprocall debt The parcels and specials of which debt I am at this time to declare vnto you for the direction of all such as either are or shall be entred into this estate 2 Now that we may proceed in some order for the help of our owne and your memories these duties are all of two kinds Some be principall some lesse principall Principall I terme those by the breach whereof this knot is dissolued and quite vndone and which being obserued other smaller infirmities notwithstanding the bond remaines entire on both sides 3 These maine duties are two The first is the chaste keeping of each ones body each for other The Husband must not dare to giue himselfe to any woman in this world but to his wife nor the wife to company with any vnder heauen besides her owne husband Against which duty if either of them shall offend the party so transgressing hath committed adultery broken the couenant of God remooued the yoke from the yoke fellowes neck and laide himselfe open if the Magistrate did as Gods law commands to the bloody stroke of a violent death Leu. 20.40 Deut. 21.22 But if it be demanded whether the party wronged may lawfully admit the other party againe after the offence knowne I answer that in case the man or woman haue offended once or so through infirmity and yet beeing conuicted shall by manifest outward tokens testifie his or her repentance and sure desire of amendment then it is meet and conuenient that this offence bee by the yoke-fellow passed by for the loue of the married couple should be very feruent and abundant and therefore able to passe by great yea the greatest wrongs so farre as it may with safe conscience be done And we reade not of any expresse commandement which enioynes a finall separation But againe I say that in case the party transgressing shall continue in the begunne fault and declare himselfe irreformable the party thus iniuried is bound in conscience both to complaine of the sinne and separate himselfe vtterly for no man must make himselfe a member of an harlot nor woman of an whore-master The chiefe thing therefore that married people must take heed of is this lest by any means they should so farre offend God neglect their publick couenant wrong their yoke-fellow scandalize the Church pollute their bodies and aduenture their soules to damnation as to follow strange flesh and receiue vnto the vse of their bodies any besides themselues whom God hath coupled together and sanctified one for another Yet not alone the grosse act of adultery but all such ouer-familiar and light behauiours as may giue either occasion or suspition of an euill meaning must be by them forborne shunned alwayes bearing in minde the graue speech of wise Salomon Prou. 6 29. Whosoeuer toucheth her speaking of his neighbors wife shall not be innocent Let no man therfore let no woman take this burning fire into their bosomes or walk vppon these scorching coales And for the principall dutie so much 4. The next is cohabitation or dwelling together enioined in expresse termes to the husband by the Apostle Peter who bids him 1 Peter 3 7 Dwell with his Wife and therefore by good consequent extending to her also for who can dwel with a woman
that will runne from him And the Apostle Paul commands the husband to giue vnto the wife due beneuolence 1 Cor. 7 3.5 and the wife to giue the same to the husband which cannot be without this cohabitation yea he especially forbids them to defraud each the other vnlesse it be by consent and afterwards to come together againe Which doth necessarily import the abode in one home So that the married man or woman may not abide or dwell where each of them pleaseth but they must haue the same habitation as one bodie I deny not that the seruice of the countrey and needefull priuate affaires may cause a iust departure for euen a long time but a wilfull and angry separation of beds or houses must not be tollerated And if it so fall out that either partie doe frowardly and peruersty withdraw him or herselfe from this matrimoniall society which fault is tearmed desertion the man or woman thus offending doth so far violate the couenant of marriage that the thing being found incureable through the obstinacie of that party after iust care had to redresse it the other is loosed from the former band and may lawfully after an orderly proceeding with the Church or Magistrate in that behalfe ioyne him or her selfe to another Of which there is very great reason First because such a separation is a wilful frustrating of the proper purpose end of matrimony annihilating the same through his default and sinnefulnesse euen presumptuous which is found guilty and for this cause deserueth yea constraineth that hee should bee reiected as no longer a yoke-fellow Secondly because such vnfaithfull desertion is almost neuer separated from adultery as the Apostle intimateth in the forenamed place saying Lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency 1 Cor. 7 5. Hee doth vnauoidably cast himselfe vpon vncleannesse that so lewdly casts off marriage which he might auoide And for this matter wee haue receyued cleare direction from the holy Ghost by the Apostle who saith 1 Cor. 7.15 If the vnbeleeuer depart let him depart a brother or a sister is not bound in such thing In which words he permits not to the vnbeleeuer such separations as lawfull but casts the fault vpon him alone and after frees the other party from the band by which he or shee was formerly tied as if hee had saide If he will needes be gone let him and trouble not your selues about it the sin lyes wholly vpon his owne soule A Christian man or woman when cases of this nature fall out is no longer tied to the former couenant nor to the former partie which hath himselfe first broken it Neither is this any whit contrary to that of our Sauiour who forbids a man to put away his wife marry another vnlesse it be for adultery Matth. 19 9. For we allow not to him or her any such liberty of putting away but vpon that only cause Yet if he or she be wrongfully put away the yoke-fellow withdrawing him or herselfe out of the way so that there be no hope to recall them or else not returning vpon good perswasion or meanes vsed we yeelde with the Apostle a freedome to the party so wronged And these things you see may well stand together No man may lawfully forsake his wife nor the wife the husband but in case of adultery to marry another and yet any man or woman being wrongfully forsaken by his or her yoke-fellow may lawfully then marry another as being disburdened of the former yoke without any sinne on their parts in that thing procuring it Onely we professe that in cases of this nature a iust and orderly course must bee taken Euery one may not headdily and vpon a sudde carue to themselues but seeke direction and craue helpe from the Church and Magistrate whose dutie bindes them to prouide remedy for such inconueniences So that this thing also must bee diligently auoided by married people that they doe neuer vpon occasion of discontentment or the like absent themselues or runne away from each other which to doe were to vntie that knot which God before had knit betwixt them and to separate the things which God and man by Gods allowance had conioyned Yea they must not alone beware of making an vtter rent and totall breach in their society but auoid also those smaller iarres and cracks that make way thereunto They must not through passionate fallings out and proud distasting of each others behauiour separate house bed or table no not for a short space They must not seeke occasions of long and needlesse absence through carelesnesse or slight respect each of other or following vaine pleasures and company-keeping abroad For is it not a madnes to procure a strangenesse betwixt themselues which ought to bee most familiar And were it not better not to depart than to make an open iarre of that which might haue beene priuately reconciled 5. And for the maine and principall duties required in matrimony viz. chastity and cohabitation so much The lesse principall follow to which men and women are indeed bound by their promise and vow but yet not with so much strictnes that any offence in them should make the former bargaine voide wants in these matters doe stretch the corn of matrimony and giue as I may say a sore gird vnto it but breake it not onely they breake Gods Commaundement exceedingly that haue not in these things also great care to confirme that vnion which should bee made indissoluble by their diligence Now these also are of two sorts whereof the first respecteth their ordinary society the second looketh to the society of the marriage-bed Againe those which concerne their ordinary society are of two sorts Some bee mutuall pertayning to both others speciall pertayning to eyther of them 6. The mutuall therefore that wee may speake of them in order are requyred both of man and wife though not in an equall measure of both For in all these common duties the husband should bee most abundant knowing that more of euery grace is looked for from him then from the weaker vessell Wee call them not therefore common or mutuall because both should haue a like quantity of them but because both must haue some of all and the husband most of all And for these common duties you must know in generall that whatsoeuer is requyred of all men and women generally towards other by the Law of Christianity and Charity as they bee men and neighbors the same is in an higher degree and larger measure requyred from the husband toward the wife and from her to him So that looke what the Law of Loue or Religion bids thee performe to any person as a man or Christian that it bindes thee much more diligently and carefully to performe to thy yoke-fellow The neerer band of matrimony weakens not but confirmes the more common of humanity But it shal be needfull more particularly to describe these common duties 7. They bee of two kindes The
former respecting themselues the latter their families Vnto themselues they owe in common first loue secondly faithfulnesse and helpefulnesse ioyned together a faithfull helpefulnesse and an helpefull faithfulnesse As for loue it is the life the soule of marriage without which it is no more it selfe than a carcase is a man yea it is vncomfortable miserable and a liuing death For this all must labour as all will yeeld that take marriage vpon them The want of this causeth defectiuenesse in all other duties the abundance of it supplyeth what is wanting in the rest Loue seasons and sweetens all estates Loue breakes off and composeth all controuersies Loue ouer-ruleth all affections it squareth all actions in a word it is the King of the heart which where it preuayleth marriage is it selfe indeede viz. a pleasing combination of two persons into one home one purse one heart and one flesh But to commend it and the good effects of it which all doe confesse were needlesse paynes Let vs rather shewe what a kinde of loue it must bee and how it may bee gotten 8. This loue therefore which wee speake of must bee first spirituall then matrimoniall Spirituall I say that is grounded principally vpon the Commaundement of God that requyres it for I speake of Christians not vpon the face fauour proportion beauty dowrie nobility gifts or good parts of him or her to whom it is due for that naturall loue which builds it selfe vpon such sandy considerations as the fore-named will either bee blowne downe by some storme or tempest of displeasure or fall of it selfe or else degenerate into iealousie the most deuouring and fretting canker that can harbour in a married persons brest but spirituall loue that lookes vpon God rests vpon his will yeeldes to his Commaundement and resolues to obey it cannot change it selfe because the cause thereof is vnchangeable Thou louest thy Wife for that shee is faire well-spoken courteous of good feature brings much and is huswifely It is well But what will become of thy loue when all those things faile as all may the most must faile Thou louest thine husband because hee is a proper man and hath an actine and able body is of good health wit carriage because hee is kinde louing of faire condition vseth thee well But where shall we finde thy loue if an alteration come to these things as to all earthly things it may come Loe then how there is no constancy or firmitude in other causes But he which loues his wife and shee which loues her husband because God hath so bidden the maker of all things hath enioyned it the Lord and Master of the heart who alone may command the very affections appoints it so shall finde his or her loue lasting and durable as God alters not and his Law continues alwayes the same This right foundation of loue is Gods Commandement and then it is spirituall when built vpon this rocke 9. It must be also matrimoniall Wee are to loue our friends our kindred our neighbours yea forreiners and our vtter enemies euen all men euery-where but the nuptiall loue of yoke-fellowes is a speciall and peculiar loue farre more deare and inward than all or any of all these It is the fixing of their hearts in the good liking each of other as the onely fit and good match that could bee found vnder the Sunne for them The husband must rest his heart in his wife as the best wife that the world could haue yeelded him The wife must settle her very soule vpon her husband as the best husband that might haue beene had amongst men for her Thus doing they should loue perfectly thus striuing to doe they loue intirely They may lawfully thinke others better men or women but none a better husband or wife for them than their yoke-fellow for this were to admit the desire of changing which cannot stand with true loue Who would change his Childe with any man Euery mans owne son pleaseth him best though perhaps his qualities displease so should the husband so the wife They therefore that are still vpbraiding each other with the by-past matches which they might or should haue had loue not soundly though they may smile vpon each other Marriage-loue admits of no equall but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the soule of the party louing it will know none dearer none so deare And of this quality is the loue we require 10. But how shall one that wants this loue attaine it and he which hath some portion thereof gaine a larger increase I answere there bee two things which will euen cement and glew the foules of man and wife together the first is that they take speciall notice of Gods gracious prouidence for good in their match They which looke to God as the match-maker and that in fauour take each other as loue-tokens from Heauen and therefore cannot but loue that well which comes as a signe of his fauour whom they striue to loue aboue all But they which see not his hand mercifully coupling them in this fellowship must needes fall out speedily seeing they want this third thing as it were the ligament and iuncture of their affections A matter of small value is not smally respected when it comes in good-will from a great friend and deare withall Hee that loues the giuer will loue his gift also though not so pretious So the husband or wife though not of the best parts shal be deare to the yoke-fellow that loues God if he or she resolue in their hearts God in great goodnesse hath bestowed this man or woman vpon mee Yea say hee or she be somewhat froward and sullied as I may say with ill conditions the dearenesse of the giuer wil counteruaile some blemishes in the gift Say the Lord did correct thee in giuing thee this husband this wife It was in sauour and for thy good Canst thou chuse but kisse and loue euen the rod that comes from a fathers hand But to this meanes adde a second which will also further vnto this and loue shall grow without faile Let married couples ioyne together in priuat prayer good conference singing of Psalmes and other like religious exercises betwixt themselues alone 2. Pet. 3.7 S. Peter would not haue the prayers of the married interrupted for hee knew full well that these were the best meanes of nourishment to their loues In these things the bright beames of Gods Image will shine forth which haue power to make them amiable each to other Heere they shall bring so much profite and good to each others soule euen to their owne feelings as will effectually prouoke their affections to bee mutually feruent Heere they shall see themselues to bee children of the same father seruants of one Master strangers of one Countrey Pilgrims trauailing both to one the same home So when the sudden land-floud of youthfull violent affections are quite dryed vp these fountaines of spirituall loue which prayer and other exercises
Iustice will not permit that she should be scanted with niggardice which is so neere a companion The husband must communicate maintenance to the wife as the head doth animal spirits to the body plentifully willingly for if any stoppance grow in this conueyance great distempers must of necessity insue yea not alone whilest himselfe liueth but euen after his decease also and supposing him to leaue the world must he prouide after his ability that her estate be competent and that shee be not inferiour to her children and forced to stand beholding vnto them ouer whom shee should command And this is one point of Iustice Another and the second is that the husband compell not his wife by his authority to attempt things vnlawfull Where God hath commanded let not him forbid where God hath forbidden let not him command What a madnes is it to force either to disobey God or him Will he exceede his commission and thinke to be yeelded vnto Is not this vnrighteous in the highest degree for the Deputie to take vpon him euen against the Soueraigne Lord This is to iustle her into some stinking guzzle or ditch whence it must follow that if shee proue stronger than himselfe and will not be thrust in yet he renders himselfe odious that attempted to do her harme if she proue weake and fall in he must be at the paines to pull her out and make her cleane againe otherwise both must perish the one for sinning the other for driuing vnto sin Wherefore in some doing he violates both Iustice Wifedome shewing himselfe in one action both a foole before her and a rebell against God Nay he must not alone abstaine from vrging her vnto things that indeed are but vnto such also as shee vpon some supposed reason grounded on the Word of God thinkes to be vnlawfull The conscience is Gods immediate officer and commanding by vertue of its commission which is Gods reuealed wil though it erre in construction of that commission yet must it be obeyed and ouer-weigh the authority of all other commanders till it be satisfied and set downe with reasons manifesting such mistaking for whosoeuer goes against conscience in things thought to be sinfull and are not will at length offend against it in such things as both are and are thought to be faults Indeed if shee will pretend conscience and cannot alleage a reason out of the Word of God yet may carry some shew this is obsunacy and in such case the thing being of waight and vse it is safe yea needfull if reason perswade not to compell her But when shee grounds vpon the Word of God though mis-interpreted and mistaken she must be resolued and not compelled Not euery scruple of conscience makes a thing sin to a man but that which is grounded vpon Gods Word by which alone-conscience must bee informed and guided which when it is though it bee mis-informed through want of iudgement yet it retaines its owne authority and then to enforce the wife against it were to force her to sinne the most vnrighteous thing that can bee in a Gouernour None is Lord but onely the Lord of Heauen and earth Bee not therefore so vnrighteous towards thy wife as to vrge her either to displease GOD or her conscience leaning on his word The third part of Iustice is not to reproue without a fault nor sharply for a lesser fault The former of these is to lay a plaster on a found place which is a needlesse labour at all times and often dangerous for it may cause a sore So to finde fault without a cause may procure a fault The latter is to seare and cut and cauterize where a Lenitiue would serue and to giue a violent strong purgation where an easie pill would suffice for health This comes from cruelty and breedes distemper A reproofe must come forth not when a man is angred but when God is offended not when our profit or pleasure is crossed but when Gods commandement is broken And as the plaster must bee fitted to the wound the medicine to the disease so the admonition to the fault For of those sinnes which necessarily call for an admonition there are degrees according to the increase whereof a man should shew more or lesse anger and dislike So that the husband must bee more earnest in reprouing not when shee hath committed a smaller sinne against GOD that turneth more to his losse but when shee hath done a greater euill against GOD though hee bee a small yea no loser yea a gainer by it for his outward profit And alwayes when the fault is amended cease vpbraiding this is a most vnequall thing When the fire is thorowly quenched who would stand casting on water Now the last point of Iustice followes which is that a man endeauour to confirme and increase the good things that are in his wife by all good incouragement and testification of his loue and good liking as-well as to reforme and diminish the euill things by reproofe Wee prouender an horse as well as whip and spurre him else the best would tyre and the wife must bee animated to good things and not onely withdrawne from euill A man should vse his right eye as well as his left Nothing can bee more base then to bee a faultspier a fly-blower that is alwayes nibling where the skinne is off Fie vpon that husband which like a flye seekes euer for a galled place to blow his maggots on this healeth not but pricks and makes all things worse It is a great vnrighteousnes to looke onely to the worst things Iustice giues one his due for well and ill both which not to doe is the bane of loue on both sides causing iarres heart-burnings secret dislike and open contention at the last Therefore if euer thou will liue with comfort consider as well what vertues thy wife hath as what vices what good as what bad what help and benefit thou hast by her as what hindrance to comfort strengthen her in the one as help her out of the other yea let her see that thou takest notice rather of the best things Surely these good herbes will grow best safest in the sun-shine And thus much for the mans duty wherein I haue bene more long because disorders in him are more dangerous and hurtfull as diseases in the head and any thing amisse in the great wheele of a clocke 27. Now proceede we to the womens duty and giuing the men leaue to chew the cud awhile request the women to listen with more diligence than before The whole duty of the wife is referred to two heads The first is to acknowledge her inferiority the next to carry her selfe as inferiour First then the wiues iudgement must be conuinced that she is not her husbands equall yea that her husband is her better by farre else there can bee no contentment either in her heart or in her house If shee stand vpon termes of equality much more of being better
also vse it to thee or is it lesse tollerable in thee Bee submissiue rather and let them learne reuerence from thee to practise to thee That woman makes her selfe vile that sets her husband at nought or else seemes to doe it 32. Secondly the wife must expresse reuerence towards her husband in her speeches and gestures before him and in his presence to others His company must make her more respectiue how shee carries herselfe towards any else Her words must not be loud and snappish to the children to the seruants in his sight If shee perceiue a fault yet must consider that her better stands by and not speake without necessity and then vtter that in more still and milde manner which in his absence shee may set on with more roundnes No woman of gouernment will allow her children and seruants to bee loud and brawling before her and shall shee before her husband bee so herselfe What is become of inferiority then Yea her reuerence doth inioyne her silence when shee stands by I meane not vtter abstinence from speech but vsing few words and those low and milde not eagre 2 Tim 2.11 not loud Paul commands the women to learne in silence The word is in quietnesse wherein be not alone inioynes a publicke but euen a generall silence to hold in the house and other like meetings for why should that bee restrained without any neede which doth well receiue a larger extent The reason of which duty is grounded euen vpon the consideration of the two sexes for euen as youth is inferiour to age and the yong folke to the aged vnlesse some other respect doe ouer-ballance this difference as sometimes it falles out that the younger is in authority and the elder vnder it the younger hath more excellent gifts the elder fewer and such like by which the inferiority of young men is shadowed and as it were couered so is the male sexe preferred before the female in degree of place dignity as all men will yeeld that read what the Scriptures speake in that behalfe Now if there bee an inferiority of the sexe by what thing should it bee better expressed rather then this by which also younger people must testifie theirs namely to speake little and low before them For what lesse thing can bee required in witnesse of this difference Let women then either excuse chat and loudnesse in young folkes before their ancients in children and seruants before them or else condemne it in themselues before their husbands yea before any men I know this duty goes against the haire for where there is suddennesse of wit and scarcity of wisedome as in the most of this sexe comparatiuely there is readines to speake and multitude of words but amongst all wise-men talakatiuenes of women chiefly when it comes to loud and earnest words hath bene reputed a fault most of all in the husbands presence Now then let women learne silence and let the reuerent account of their husbands worke in them a speciall moderation of speech whilest they bee in place 33. Thirdly the womans speeches of the husband behinde his backe must bee dutifull and respectiue Shee must not call him by light names nor talke of him with any kinde of carelesnesse and slightnes of speech much lesse with despitefull and reprochfull termes Heerein the godly fact of Sarah commended to our imitation must be followed in practice When shee thought of her husband in the absence of all company shee intituled him by the name of my Lord. If in her priuate conceit shee gaue him so good and honourable titles what would she haue done in company what in his owne presence what vnto himselfe So the women must inure themselues to submissiuenesse of thoughts and speeches in their husbands absence that they may the better practise the same in their presence for custome in this thing hath great force Who would brooke a childe speaking disgracefully and murmuring of his father behinde his backe And shall it be suffered in a wife By how much heere is more certaine tryall of her her inward affection disposition by so much must she be more attentiue to her words in such case Very dread may make a woman giue good words before her husbands face because she dares do no other and he will brooke none other but this shewes a conscionable subiection when she will not thinke nor speake of him though hee be farre from hearing without some note of good regard that those which heare may perceiue shee doth account of him as her Gouernour and her better He that allowes not an euill thought of the Prince will not allow euill speeches of the husband in priuate talke betweene neighbours for hee is the houshold Prince the domesticall King Though thinke husband bee from thee let thy feare of him bee with thee that in mentioning him to others thou shew not contempt And for Reuerence thus much 34. Obedience followes as concerning which duty a plaine text auers it to the full saying Let the Wife bee subiect to her husband in all things in the Lord. What need wee further proofe Why is shee his wife if shee will not obey and how can shee require obedience of the children and seruants if shee will not yeeld to the husband doth not shee exact it in his name and as his deputie But the thing will not bee so much questioned as the measure Not whether shee must obey but how farre Wherefore wee must extend it as farre as the Apostle to a generality of things to all things so it bee in the Lord. In whatsoeuer thing obeying of him doth not disobey God shee must obey and if not in all things it were as good in nothing It is a thankelesse seruice if not generall To yeeld alone in things that please her selfe is not to obey him but her owne affections The tryall of obedience is when it crosseth her desires To doe that which hee biddes when shee would haue done without his bidding what praise is it But this declares conscionable submission when shee chuseth to doe what her-selfe would not because her husbands wils it And seeing shee requireth the like largenesse of duty in his name from the seruants her-selfe shall bee Iudge against her-selfe if shee giue not what shee lookes to receiue But if sufficeth not that her obedience reach to all things that are lawfull vnlesse it bee also wiling ready without brawling contending thwarting sowrenesse A good worke may bee marred in the manner of doing And as good stuffe is spilt by bad making so doth the wife disgrace and disfigure her obedience if shee hang off and contend and bee impatient and will not till shee cannot chuse Needes must needes shall wee say in the Prouerbe Such kinde of yeelding declares no reuerence deserues no praise Then it is laudable commendable a note of a vertuous woman a dutifull wise when shee submits her-selfe with quietnesse cheerefully euen as a wel-broken horse turnes at the least
seldome do they one prouoke animate and incourage one another in so profitable workes This is the fountaine of all disorder in families where God is not serued what can abound but impiety and profanenesse in Master Mistris seruants children and the whole houshold But now let all that feare God take care that they faile not in vsing all good meanes to establish Religion and the exercises of it in their houses remembring with feare that curse which the Prophet prayes God may come vpon the family Ier. 10.25 wherein his Name is not called vpon Secondly they must ouer-see the wayes of their family Prou. 31.27 This thing Salomon commendeth in the vertuous wife by a word worthy noting which signifies to stand as a watch-man in a watch tower to looke on euery side that no enemy doe surprise the same at vnawares So she doth diligently looke into the behauiour of all vnder the roofe that no disordered nor sinfull practice may finde quiet entrance and abode there and it were a great shame for the husband if the wife should exceede him in this watchfulnesse Both of them must vse their eyes with care then to preuent all idlenesse and wickednesse in their seruants and children and to looke that they faithfully doe their busines committed to them and carry themselues Christianly towards one another and all men If inferiors of themselues would bee carefull enough of their carriage what neede a gouernour in an house But God knowing that the best seruants and the best children will not want infirmities yea will be many wayes subiect to infirmities as idlenes twatling discord and many of the like nature would that the Master and Mistris should haue their eyes open to preuent the same seruants Children must bee followed their behauiour must be obserued they must be set to worke and the eye of the gouernours with their care conioyned must effect it or else the family shall proue disordered be the gouernours for other things neuer so godly Thirdly they must ioyne together in admonishing or incouraging in reprouing or if neede be also correcting their inferiours And in these things both must be carefull to maintayne each others authority to the full If one do think it meet to encorage any in the family with some little kindnes that is fit the other must not seeme to grudge at it or be vnwilling If the one wil reproue the other must not defend When the husband goes about to correct the children the wife must not grow angry saue them as if she thought it much to haue them kept vnder nurture neither must he doe so towards her Suppose either of them exceed chiding or correcting without cause or aboue the measure that agrees to the fault the other must then quietly speake of it in the absence of the inferior not make a braule about it before their faces as it were bolstering thē out against the authority of the yoke-fellow For if he doe and she vndoe or if she correct he cocker what will be the fruite but heart-burning and distemper betwixt themselues contempt first of one after both their authorities from the party to whom they haue shewed themselues so indiscreete So at length as in a Boate wherein all the weight lyes vpon one side the whole family wil be turned ouer into the waues of contention and strife whereas if they did sit together in good concord to further the fruite of one anothers admonitions reproofes corrections exhortations or incouragements they should both preserue their owne authority in the family and keepe peace betweene themselues and finde good amendment in their inferiours by these meanes And for the common duties of man wife to themselues their families for maintaining gouerning thē thus much We come now to speake of those that are peculiar to either of them 15. And first I will informe the man then the woman after Now for the husbands speciall duties they may fitly be referred to these two heads The keeping of his authority and the vsing of it First he must keepe his authority and maintaine himselfe in that place wherein his Maker hath set him Nature hath framed the lineaments of his body to superiority set the print of gouernment in his face which is more sterne lesse delicate then the womans He must not suffer this order of nature to be inuerted The Lord in his Word cals him the head hee must not stand lower than the shoulders if he doe that is a deformed family It is a sin to come lower than God hath set one It is not humility but basenes to be ruled by her whom he should rule No Gene rall would thanke the Captaine for surrendring his place to some common souldier nor will God the husband for suffering the wife to beare the sway The authority is Gods inuested in his person he must not commit that it bee troden downe despised But will some man say my wife is disordered froward how shal I then hold mine own It is sooner said than done if a man meete with women of stirring spirits direct vs therefore how to do it I answer that most men do wrongfully cast the blame vpon their wiues of abusing their authority when it is due to themselues alone It is not extorted from thē by the wiues violence but cast away lost by their owne folly indiscretion Know then that authority in this society must not be kept by maine force and by violence but by skil not by big looks great words cruel behauiour as of a great mastiffe towards a silly curre but by a milder more artificiall course And that you may practise it this it is First the husband must giue a good example walking vprightly Christianly soberly religiously in his family The wife must needes then giue him the better place if he shew himself to be the better person No inferior can chuse but in his hart stoop to that superior in whō grace Gods Image do appeare A vertuous man shal be regarded in the conscience euen of the worst woman yea in her behauior also if she be not monstrous A godly wise cariage will draw good respect willing subiection neither can any man bring forth one thus qualified troden down in contempt In a mad fit passionate distemper the wife of the best may sling forth be vndutifull but afterwards her hart will condemne her selfe iustifie him and so he loseth not authority though it bee assaulted yea he recouers his owne with aduantage And as in generall wee prescribe a godly conuersation in the family to bee the preseruer and vpholder of the mans authority so specially must hee be counselled to shunne and abandon three speciall and disgracefull euils that haue this effect to make euery man seeme vile and base in all eyes that behold him thus defiled The first is bitternesse So Paul willeth the husband Bee not bitter The sauour of violent
turning stands at the least check of the riders bridle readily going and standing as he wishes that fits vpon his backe If you will haue your obedience worth any thing make no tumult about it outwardly allow none within 35. And for the lesse principall duties of husband and wife concerning their ordinary society thus much I come now to such as concerne the marriage-bed which are as needfull to bee knowne as the former because offences in that kinde are more capitall and dangerous though not so publique Their matrimoniall meetings must haue these three properties First it must be cheerefull they must louingly willingly and familiarly communicate themselues vnto themselues which is the best means to continue and nourish their mutuall naturall loue and by which the true and proper ends of matrimony shall bee attained in best manner for the husband is not his owne but the wifes and the wife the husbands Secondly their meeting must bee sanctified Paul saith meate drinke and marriage are good being sanctified by prayer Men and women must not come together as brute creatures and vnreasonable beasts through the heate of desire but must see their Maker in that his ordinance and craue his blessing solemnely as at meales the Apostle speakes of both alike that marriage may indeede bee blessed vnto them To sanctifie the marriage-bed and vse it reuerently with prayer and thanks-giuing will make it moderate and keepe them from growing wearie each of other as in many it falls out and cause that lust shall bee asswaged which else shall bee increased by these meetings Propagation and chastity the two chiefe ends of marriage are best attained by prayer and thanks-giuing in the vse thereof without which they will hardly come or not with comfort Neither is it more then needs to see God in that which so nearely toucheth our selues as the hope of posterity him as the increase of his kingdome Let Christians therefore know the fruite of prayer euen in all things Thirdly their nuptiall meetings must bee seasonable and at lawfull times There is a season when God and Nature seioynes man and wife in this respect The woman is made to be fruitfull and therefore also more moist and cold of constitution Hence it is that their naturall heate serues not to turne all their sustenance into their owne nourishment but a quantity redounding is set apart in a conuenient place to chearish and nourish the conception when they shall conceiue Now this redundant humour called their flowers or termes hath if no conception bee it monethly issue or euacuation and in some oftner vnlesse there bee extraordinary stoppings and obstructions lasting for sixe or seuen dayes in the most Sometimes also this issue through weakenes and infirmitie of nature doth continue many more dayes Alwayes after child-birth there is a larger and longer emptying because of the former retention which continueth commonly for foure fiue or sixe weekes in some longer Now in all these three times and occasions it is simply vnlawfull for a man to company with his own wife The Lord telles vs so Leuit. 15. c. 19.25 ver also chap. 18 ver 19. also chap. 20. ver 18. Of which places it is needfull that married people should take notice to which I send them Neither let women thinke themselues disgraced because I haue laid this matter open in plaine but modest speeches Where God threatens death to the offender can the Minister bee faithfull if he doe not plainely declare the offence This fault is by GOD condemned to the punishment of death Leuit. 20.18 Beare then with necessary plainnesse And let no woman grieue that the cause of her fruitfulnes is knowne when shee reioyceth to bee found fruitfull Say not that I may let them reade it What if they cannot what if they will not Can the Minister so discharge his office of giuing men warning that they sinne not because they may reade it But if any through nicenesse or otherwise doe take snuffe at this opennesse for immodest and obscene speech they haue heard none they shall argue themselues guilty of the sinne which they would not haue knowne and shew rather a willingnes to commit euill then proue it euill to teach that plainely which God hath plainely reuealed to be knowne In a word we must speake all the truth you should with willingnes heare all if not you must against your will Though men will be offended wee must not conceale what God will haue knowne And thus you haue heard the duties of married people principal and lesse principall for their common society both mutuall and speciall and for their nuptiall society in the marriage-bed Now though I haue bene long I will tarry to make some vse and application 36. And first this ministers a good instruction to young and vnmarried people that they doe not vnaduisedly rush into this estate A thing of such difficulty should not bee lightly vndertaken They shall haue their hands full of duty if they get not their hearts full of grace and their heads full of wisedome they shall finde an house full of trouble and a life full of woe meeting with gall in stead of hony and grauell in stead of nourishing morsels Wouldst thou be married See what wisedome what patience what grace fit to gouerne or fit to obey thou findest in thy selfe Get these against thou come to vse them or else marriage will not yeeld thee such contentment as thine imagination promiseth Vaine youths grow wanton and fall in lust and must marry before they haue any power to practise any vnderstanding to know their duties so they trouble themselues and discredit their estate both at once He that leapes ouer a broad ditch with a short staffe shall fall into the midst and hee that enters vpon matrimony without care to attaine great grace shal be mired and doussed in disquietment and vexation Let vnmarried people thinke of this and be wise 37. Secondly I must aduise all married persons to grow acquainted with these duties and to marke their fallings in the same But mistake me not I would that the wife should know hers the husband his and both the common duties I desire that they should obserue each their owne not so much each others faylings Indeed it may be feared that diuers hearers now will bee worse for hearing because they heard amisse The husband may perhaps ring his wife a peale of her duty when hee comes home and tell her how her faults were ript vp and yet neuer consider or meditate of his owne duties or faults The wife also may likely tell him of his owne at home when she hath little or nothing to say to her-selfe Thus both shall be worse when they seeke to vpbraide each other not to amend each ones selfe Thou husband didst listen attentiuely when the womans duties were handled and thoughtst There he met with my wife such a time shee shewed little reuerence lesse obedience Thou wife hadst the like thoughts concerning thine
husband There hee told him home of his duty It is not long since hee shewed himselfe neither wise nor gentle I would hee would see to amend Vnwise man vnwise woman why hadst thou not most care of thine owne soule Couldst thou marke what was good for anothers disease not what for thine owne Wilt thou grow skilfull in his way and not know one foot of that wherein thy selfe must trauell Brethren sisters let this be altered in vs. If thou be a Christian husband haue more care to know that and bee more frequent in considering that for which thine owne soule must answer then what lie to the accounts of another So doe thou that art a Christian wife And that man or woman that sees not more faults and failings in him or her-selfe then the yoke-fellow bewraies wondrous great pride ignorance and hypocrisie if hee or shee be not matched with one too too notorious for ill demeanours If the heart were well touched it owne sinnes would bee more grieuous the husbands or wiues lesse Contend therefore not how short thy yoke-fellow comes but not to come short thy selfe Passe by the others failings more easily be more censorious towards thine owne this were to deale as a Christian euen to iudge thy selfe He neuer yet learnt to worke well in any work that would cast his eye more vpon his neighbors fingers than his owne Neither was hee euer good scholler that would con his fellowes and not regard the taske imposed vpon himselfe And that makes husbands and wiues such ill pay-masters one another because they looke often what is owing to them not what they owe. I doubt not but experience will backe my speech if I pronounce that they be not the best husbands wiues which are heard to complaine much of their yoke-fellowes defects in dutie little of their own And yet is not this ordinary Euery man would be a good husband if his wife were not so bad she a good wife were not he so excessiuely faulty Al the accusations al the iudgings are datted at each other What folly is this Vnderstand idle man and woman it is not the requiring or receiuing of duty from others but the knowing performing of what pertaines to thy selfe that will proue thee a Christian comfort thee in temptation reioice thee in death and stand for thee in iudgment And yet art thou soloud and much in calling for duty so mute and dumbe and ignorant in yeelding it To conclude therefore know thine owne dutie best marke most thine owne transgressings of duty then shalt thou bee free from brawles with thy yoke-fellow if thou be taken vp with paines about thy selfe and there is no better meanes of peace in families than that euery one should learne and ply his own worke see and labour to mend his owne faults Haue you then bene both or either vnchaste vnlouing vnfaithful repent both and straine not curtesie who shall beginne but let either set other a copie of goodnesse And if you will needs striue let it be which shall be the best which mend first Hast thou bene a foolish passionate vniust husband full of bitter words perhaps also which is monstrous of blowes in anger seeking and seruing thy selfe alone and not regarding thy wiues good so thou mightest goe away with thine owne wil Diue not into her faults cry not out she hath bene thus and thus to me but repent of thy bitternes vnthriftines folly of all sorts confesse it to God beseech him to make thee a better husband that thy wife may bee better Hast thou bene a disdainfull contemptuous brawling impatient discontented and disobedient wife aske thine heare before God and dissemble nor If yea clamour not against thine husbands folly exclaime not of his rashnes and hardnes but condemne thy selfe before and call vpon God to make thee feare and obey thine husband as a Commander vnder him Entreat him of mercy to make thee better that thy husband also may be better Follow the Prouerbe and let euery of you mend one I meane himselfe and contention wil cease Pray for each ones selfe first then for each other Where you haue offended labour to see it confesse bewaile it and call for power to reforme and bee not skilfull to cast the fault vpon another but to cast it out of thy selfe So shall your loues bee sure your hearts comfortable your example commendable your houses peaceable your selues ioyfull your liues chearefull your deaths blessed and your memories happie for euer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 FINIS ¶ The duties of the married people are either 1. Principall the breach of which annihilates the former couenant by them made which are 1. The chaste keeping of their bodies for each other to which is opposed adulterie sect 3. 2. Cohabitation or dwelling together to which is opposed desertion sect 4. 2. Lesse Principall the breach whereof notwithstanding the comnant is firme and these are of two sorts 1. Such as concerne their ordinary society of life which are either 1. Mutuall such as both must mutually performe which doe respect either 1. Their persons and these are 1. Loue sect 7. 2. Faithfulnes helpfulnes conioyned sect 11. 2. Their families as concerning their 1. Maintenance sect 13. 2. Gouerning sect 14. 2. Speciall pertaining to either separately 1. The husband whose duties are 1. To keepe his authority sect 15. 2. To vse his authority of which I shew 1. The end sect 16. 2. The manner with three vertues 1. Wisdome sect 18. 2. Meeknes sect 21. 3. Iustice sect 26. 2. The wife whose dutie is 1. To confesse her inferiority sect 27. 2. To carry herselfe as inferiour 1. In reuerence sect 29. 2. Obedience sect 34. 2. Such as concerne their society in the marriage-bed that it bee 1. Louing sect 35. 2. Sanctified sect 35. 3. Seasonable sect 35.