affection oh how I am troubled I am not yet recouered Ale So me thinks you looke very thin vpon 't Water but why doe we not fight Water Doe not talke of fighting is it not time that Water should come to quench the fire of such contention I tell you the care of your preseruation made me breake my banks to come to you that you might see the ouerflowing loue I beare you your quarrell hath ecchoed vnto me I know your ambition for superioritie you are all my kinsmen neere allyed to Water and though I say it sometimes not a little beholding to Water euen for your very makings Will you referre your selues to mee and wade no further in these discontentments I will vndertake your reconcilement and qualification Wine To thee Water wilt thou take vpon thee to correct our irregularitie Thou often goest beyond thy bounds thy selfe But if they consent I shall Beere I am content Ale And I Water Then without further circumlocution or insinuation Water runnes to the matter you shall no more contend for excellencie for Water shall allow each of you a singularitie First you Wine shall be in most request among Courtiers Gallants Gentlemen Poeticall wits Qui melioris luti homines being of a refined mould shall choose as a more nimble and actiue watering to make their braines fruitfull Fecundi calices quem non but so as not confin'd to them nor limitting them to you more then to exhilarate their spirits and acuate their inuentions You Beere shall bee in most grace with the Citizens as being a more stayed Liquor fit for them that purpose retirement and grauitie that with the Snaile carries the cares of a house and family with them tyed to the atendance of an illiberall profession that neither trot nor amble but haue a sure pace of their owne Bos lassus fortius figit pedem The black Oxe has trod vpon their foot yet I bound you not with the Citie though it bee the common entertainement you may bee in credit with Gentlemens Cellars and carry reputation before you from March to Christmas tide I should say that Water should forget his Tide You Ale I remit to the Countrie as more fit to liue where you were bred your credit shall not be inferiour for people of all sorts shall desire youre acquaintance specially in the morning though you may be allowed all the day after the Parson shall account you one of his best Parishioners the Church wardens shall pay for your companie and drawing their Bills all the yeere long you shall bee loued and maintained at the Parish charge till you be old bee allowed a Robin-hood or Mother Red-cap to hang at your doore to beckon in Customers and if you come into the Citie you may be drunke with pleasure but neuer come into the fashion At all times you shall haue respect but i th Winter Morning without comparison How doe you like my censure now Ale Water has a deepe iudgement Wat. And yet the world sayes sometimes Water is shallow nay I le see you shake handes and tie a new knot of friendship Ale We are henceforth brothers Wine Stay who 's here Enter Tost Sugar and Nutmeg Tost whetting a knife on his shooe Tost I tell thee Sugar I am now friends with thee But if it bee as you say Wat. What 's the matter Ale Let 's obserue him a little Tost is angry Nut. What need you be so hote Tost Tost Hote t is no matter Sugar you will iustifie that Wine and Beere offered this wrong vnto Ale Sug. I know not whose pride began but I was sorry to see Wine Beere and Ale at such odds Tost Ods quotha I do meane to be euen with some body Nut. An euen Tost shewes well Tost They shall find that Ale has those about him that are not altogether dowe Sug. Thou hast been baked I le sweare Nut. And new come out of the Ouen too I thinke son he is very fierie Tost Ale must not be put downe so long as Tost has a crum of life left Beere too Nut. What doe you meane to doe with your knife Tost that will scarce cut Beere and 't were buttered Tost Come not neere me Nutmeg least I grate you and slise you Nutmeg doe you marke Wine Let 's in and make 'em friends How now Tost Tost T is all one for that Oh are you there pray tell me which of 'em i st Ale Is what Nut. Why they are friends what did you meane Sugar to make Tost burne thus Ale No such matter Tost You will not tell me then Harke you Beere March-Beere this way a little Beere What dost thou meane to doe with thy knife Tost I must stirre you a little Beere what colour had you to quarrell with my Master Beere Ale VVe are sworne brothers Ale We were at difference and Wine too but Tost Wine too But but me no buts I care not a strawe for his buts d ee here sir doe you long to be Graues Wine Wine We are all friends Water I I all friends on my word Tost Tost Fire and water are not to bee trusted away new Riuer away I wash my hands on thee Ale Come hither againe Tost Tost Ouer head and eares in Ale Wine How comes this about Sugar Sug. The truth is sir I told him of some difference betweene you for he and I had been fallen out and I had no other securitie to put in for my selfe then to put him vpon some body else Nut. Nutmeg durst scarce speake to him hee was ready to put me in his pocket Tost I am coole agen I may beleeue you are friends then I am content to put vp Puts vp his knife Sugar and Nutmeg come we be three Sug. Let 's be all one rather and from hencefoorth since they are so well accorded let 's make no difference of our Masters but belong to 'em in common for my part though I wait vpon Wine it shall not exempt my attendance on Beere or Ale if they please to command Sugar Tost A match I am for any thing but Water Nut. And I Sug. But my seruice shall be ready for him to Water and Sugar I hope may be drunke together now and then and not bee brought within compasse of the Statute to bee put i th stockes for 't Wat. Godamercy Sugar with all my hart I shall loue thy company fer I am solitary and thou wilt make mee pleasant Stay Musicke Harke Musicke Oh some friends of mine I know 'em they often come vpon the water let 's entertaine the ayre a little neuer a voice among you THE SONG Wine I Iouiall Wine exhilarate the heart Beere March Beere is drinke for a King Ale But Ale bonny Ale with Spice and Tost In the Morning 's a daintie thing Chorus Then let vs be merry wash sorrow away Wine Beere and Ale shall be drunke to day Wine I generous Wine am for the Court Beere The Citie calls for Beere Ale But Ale bonny Ale like
a Lord of the Soyle In the Countrey shall domineere Chorus Then let vs be merry wash sorrow away Wine Beere and Ale shall be drunke to day Water Why now could I dance for ioy Ale Now you talke of dancing Wine t is one of your qualities let 's pay the Musicians all together wee haue often made other men haue light heads and heeles there 's no hurt a little in tripping for our selues what say you Beere Strike vp Piper Wine Lustily make a merry day on 't nay leaue out none at Dancing and at Foot-ball all fellowes Enter Tobaco Tobaco Be your leaue gentlemen wil 't please you be here sir Wine Who 's this Tobaco Beere Why comes he into our company Tobaco I do heare say there is a controuersie among you and I am come to moderate the businesse Ale It shannot need wee are concluded sir Water Your name is Tobaco I take it Tobaco No sir you take it not deesee t is I that take it Wine But wee take it very ill you should intrude your selfe into our mirth Water I did guesse by the chimney your nose that you might stand in neede of water to quench some fire in your kitchin Tobaco Hoh Water spets Water He has spit me out already Exit Tobaco Sugar tost and nutmeg puh vanish Wine He has blone away the spice too Ex. S. t. n. Tobaco Now doe you not know mee what do yee stand at gaze Tobacco is a drinke too Beere A drinke Tobaco Wine you and I come both out of a pipe Ale Prethee go smoke somewhere else we are couetous of your acquaintance Tobaco Do not incense me do not inflame Tobacco Wine We do not feare your puffing sir and you haue any thing to say to vs be briefe and speake it Tobaco Then briefely and without more circumstance not to hold you in expectation Wine Heida this is prolixity it selfe Beere Oh sir his words are not well dyed in his mouth Ale Or his vnderstanding is not sufficiently lighted yet giue him leaue I pray Tobaco I do come Wine Not yet to the purpose methinkes Tost And I do meane Beere Somewhat wo'd heare out Tobaco And I entend Ale Yet againe thinke thinke till to morrow wee may chance meet agen Tob. Stay I command you stay Wine How you command vs by whose autority Beere That must be disputed Tob. Attend my argument The soueraigne ought to cōmand I am your soueraigne the soueraigne drinke Tobaco Ergo Wine I see Tobacco is sophisticated Tob. I ought to command you and it will become your duty to obey me Bee You our soueraigne a meere whiffler Tob. I say agen I am your Prince bow and doe homage Al. You haue turnd ouer a new leafe Tobacco Wine You are very high Tobacco I see ill weedes grow apace Bee Most high and mighty trinidado Wine For whose vertue would you be exalted if it shall please your smoaky excellence Tob. Not yours nor yours nor yours but altogether all the vertues which you seuerally glory in are in me vnited looke not so coy Call water to spread your faction and you are but like the giddy elements changing and borrowing creatures whilst I Tobacco am acknowledged a Heauenly quintessence a diuine herbe Bee Tobacco you are out Al. After what rate is this an ounce Wine Let vs beseech your excellence for lesse title wee must not giue you hauing so much vertue as you pretend to let vs vnderstand fome of your particular graces and qualities Bee I pray discourse alitle what 's the first Tob. You haue nam'd it t is discourse which you are so farre from being able to aduance that you destroy it in all men when you are most accepted when my diuine breath mixing with theirs doth distill eloquence and oracle vpon the tongue which moueth with such deliberation words flowing in so sweet distinction that many eares are chained to the lips of him that speaketh Da puer accensum selecto fictile Poeto vt Phaebum ore bibam Ale And yet wee are not inchanted with the musick of your pipe to dance after it My most excellent discourser Bee And a helpe for the imperfections of nature For when a man ha's not wit enough to expresse himselfe in words you being taken do presently helpe him to spit forth gentleman like Al. Indeed the most part of our common complement is but smoke and now I know how Gentlemen come by it Tob. Thus swine do value pearle Wine But as you haue the eloquence of Vlysses I suppose you haue not the strength of Aiax wee should moue in great feare if you were valiant I hope you are but weake Tobacco Tob. Weake whose braine hath not felt the effects of my mightinesse He that opposes me shall find me march like a tempest waited vpon with lightening and black Cloudes Wi. Here is no cracke Bee Yet he thunders it out Ale Yes yes I remember I haue heard him reported a soldier and once being in company with a knap-sack man a companion of his I obtained a coppy of his military postures which put downe the pike and pot-gun cleane pray obserue 'em 1 Take your seale 2 Draw your box 3 Vncase your pipe 4 Produce your rammer 5 Blow you pipe 6 Open your box 7. Fill your pipe 8. Ramme your pipe 9. Withdraw your Rammer 10. Returne your rammer 11. Make ready 12. Present 13. Elbow your pipe 14. Mouth your pipe 15. Giue fire 16. Nose your Tobacco 17. Puffe vp your smoake 18. Spit on your right hand 19. Throw off your loose ashes 20. Present to your friend 21. As you were 22. Cleanse your pipe 23. Blow your pipe 24. Supply your pipe Exercise this discipline till you stinke defile the roome offend your friends destroy your liuer and lungs and bid adiew to the world with a scowring fluxe To. You haue a good memorie Ale I 'me sure Tobacco will spoyle it Tob. These are but childish inuentions Wine They are most proper to illustrate your magnificence for howsoeuer you pretend that you conuerse with men it is apparant that you make men children agen for they that vse you most familiarly doe but smoake all the day long To. You dishonour me Wine Not somuch as Gentlemen dishonour themselues to turne common pipers but if you haue any more conditions pray enrich vs with the story Tob. I am medicinall Be. How To. And preserue the health of man Wine I hope they are not come to drinke healthes in Tobacco To. I repaire the bodies which your immoderate cups haue turnd to fennes and marishes The wisest Phisitians prescribe my vse and acknowledge me a salutary herbe Ale Phisitians are no fooles they may commend you for their profit you are one of their herbingers to prouide for a disease yet howsoeuer you call them wise and glorie in their flatteries they make but a very simple of you Wine Methinkes this should cut Tobacco Tob. Not at all I am aboue their poore derision at my pleasure I could reuenge their malice for I am in fauour and growne to be the delight of poets and princes Bee How poets and princes Ego Rex meus a stopper for Tobacco wee shall haue pretty treason anon else Tob. Does it scruple your iudgement Mr. small beere that I say poets and Princes I am not to learne their distinction nor doth it take from any allegiance they are both sacred names yet I am confident it is easier for a poet not borne to soueraigntie to aspire to a kingdome then for a King not borne with fancie to be made a poet I mentiond these names not in their methode aud order but to shew my grace with them that are most able to punish insolence such as your's Ale How the vapour rises Wine This ruffler may be troublesome wee were best admit him to our society he is a dry companion and you may obserue how he hath insinuated already with the greatest the ladies begin to affect him and he receiues priuate fauors from their lips euery day he kisseth their hands when he appeares in a faire pipe though wee allow him not a prioritie for our owne sakes let vs hold correspondence with him least he seduce men to forsake vs or at least to make vse of vs but for their necessity Ale Hum he sayes well now I better consider 't were safest to vse him kindly least by degrees he ouerthrow vs and iett vpon our priuiledges for I heard a geutleman t'other day affirme he had fasted 3 or 4 dayes only with Tobacco Wine Beside if we continue friends he will be a preparatiue for our reception without vs he may subsist but with him wee are sure of liberall entertainement Beere I am conuerted Wine you are the best orator speake for vs Wine Tobacco you are a good fellow all ambition laid aside let vs embrace as friends excuse vs that wee haue been a little merry with you wee acknowledge you a gentle drink and you shall haue all the respect will become Wine Beere or Ale to obserue you with what should we contend for primacie quarrell about titles which if to any wee acknowledge most properly belong to you for they are all but smoake Let vs vnite and be confederate states for the benefit of mens low countreyes liue and loue together Wine doth here enter into league with Tobacco Be. And beere Al. And Ale Tob. Are you in earnest why then Tobacco is so farre from pride that he vowes to serue you all and when I leaue to be a true friend may fire consume me and my ashes want a buriall W. B. A. and when wee falsifie may thunders shrike vs dead The Dance In which wine falling downe one taketh sugar by the heeles and seemes to shake him vpon Wine In the second passage beere falleth and 2 take Nutmegge and as it were to grate him ouer beere In the Third Ale falleth one bringeth in a Chafendish of coles and another causeth Tost to put his breech to it afterwards it is dapt to Ale 's mouth and the Dance concludeth FINIS
VVINE BEERE ALE AND TOBACCO Contending for Superiority A Dialogue The second Edition much enlarged HORAT Siccis omnia dura Deus proposuit Printed at London by T. C. for Iohn Groue and are to be sold at his shop at Furniuals Inne Gate in Holborne 1630 THE STATIONER TO THE READERS GENTLEMEN for in your Drinke you will bee no lesse I present you with this small Collation If either Wine and Sugar Beere and Nutmeg a Cup of Ale and a Toste Tobacco or all together may meete your Acceptation I am glad I had it for you There is difference betweene them but your Palat may reconcile all If any thing distaste you there is Water to wash your hands of the whole Pamphlet So hoping you will accept a Pledge of my Seruice and haue a care of your owne health I begin to you I. Gr. THE SPEAKERS WINE A Gentleman SVGAR His Page BEERE A Citizen NVTMEG His Prentice ALE A Countrey-man TOST One of his rurall Seruants WATER A Parson TOBACCO A swaggering Gentleman VVINE BEERE ALE and TOBACCO Contending for Superiority Sugar and Nutmegge from seuerall doores meete Sugar NVtmegge Nut. Sugar well met how chance you waite not vpon your Maister where 's Wine now Sug. Oh sometimes without Sugar all the while he 's well if I bee in his company t is but for fashion sake I waite vpon him into a roome now and then but am not regarded marrie when hee is ill hee makes much of mee who but Sugar but to my remembrance I haue not beene in his presence this fortnight I hope shortly hee will not know me though he meete me in his drinke Nut. Thou hast a sweete life in the meane time Sugar Sug. But thou art tied to more attendance Nutmegge vpon your Maister Beere Nut. Faith no I am free now and then though I bee his Prentice still Nutmegge hath more friends to trust to then Beere I can be welcome to wine thy master sometimes and to the honest Countrey man Ale too But now I talke of Ale when didst see his man prethee Sug. Who Tost Nut. The same Sug. I meete him at Tauerne euery day Nut. When shall thou and he and I meete and be merry ouer a Cuppe Sug. I le tell thee Nutmegge I doe not care much for his company he 's such a chollericke peece I know not what he 's made of but his quarrelling comes home to him for hee 's euery day cut for it I maruell how he scapes this morning he had a knife thrust into him Nut. Indeed he will be very hot sometimes Sug. Hot I till he looke blacke i th' face agen besides if he take an opinion ther 's no turning him hee 'l be burnt first I did but by chance let fall some words against Ale and hee had like to haue beaten me to powder for it Nut. How beaten Sugar that would be very fine ifaith but hee being bread and thou a loafe you should not differ so Stand looke where he is Enter Tost drunke Sug. Then I le be gone for we shall quarrell Nut. Come feare not I le part you but hee 's drunke ready to fall whence comes he dropping in now How now Tost Tost Nutmeg round and sound and all of a colour art thou there Nut. Heere 's all that 's left of me Tost Nutmeg I loue thee Nutmeg What 's that a Ghost Nut. No t is your old acquaintance Sugar Tost Sugar I le beat him to peeces Sug. Hold hold Nutmegge Nutmeg and Sugar hang vpon Tost Tost Cannot Tost stand without holding Nut. Where haue you beene Tost Tost I le tell thee I haue bin with my M. Ale Sirra I was very drie and he has made me drunke doe I not crumble I shall fall a pieces but I le beate Suger for all that I doe not weigh him hee is a poore Rogue I haue knowne him solde for two pence when hee was young wrapt in swadling clouts of Paper I know his breeding a Drawer brought him vp and now hee 's growne so lumpish Sug. Y' are a rude Tost Tost Rude Let me but crush him Rude Sirra t is well known you come from Barbary your selfe and because of some few Pounds in a Chest you thinke to domineere ouer Tost y' are a little handsome I confesse Wenches licke their lips after you but for all that would I might sinke to the bottome if I doe not I will giue Sugar but one box Nut. Come come you shall not Sug. Prethee Nutmeg take out Tost a little to morrow wee le meet and be drunke together Exit Nutmeg with Tost So so I am glad hee 's gone I doe not loue this Tosts company yet some occasion or other puts me still vpon him Ha who 's this Enter Wine T is Wine my Master Wine Sugar you are a sweet youth you wayt well Sug. A friend of mine call'd me forth to cure a cut finger Wine You le turne Surgeon or Physician shortly Sug. But your diseases need none for inflamations which are dangerous to others makes you more acceptable nor doe you blush to haue it reported sir how often you haue beene burnt Wine So sir now you put me in minde on 't I heare say you runne a wenching and keepe womens company too much Sug. Alas sir like will to like Sugar being of his owne nature sweete has reason to make much of women which are the sweetest creatures Wine But some of them are sower enough Sug. I sir Widdowes at fifteene and Maides at twentie fiue but I keepe them company for no other thing then to conuert them some of them could eu'n eate me but for feare of spoiling their teeth Wine Indeed one of your sweet hearts complained t'other day you made her teeth rotten Sug. Alas sir t was none of my fault she bit me first and I could doe no lesse then punish her sweet tooth Wine Well sirra I say take heed of women Sug. Nay sir if I may credit my owne experience they are the best friends I haue for I am alwaies in their mouthes If I come to a banquet as none are made without mee in what fashion soeuer I appeare euery woman bestowes a handkercher vpon me and striue to carry me away in their cleanest linnen nay but for shame to betray their affections to mee they would bring whole sheets for me to lie in Wine Why sure thou wert wrapt in thy mothers smocke Sug. I thinke if the Midwife were put to her oath I was wrapt in hers oth Christing day But see sir here 's Master Beere Enter Beere Wine How Beere we are not very good friends no matter I scorne to auoid him Beere Beere-leaue sir Iustles Wine Wine So me thinkes how now Beere running atilt dost not know me Beere I doe meane to haue the wall on you Wine The wall of me you would haue your head and the wall knockt together learne better manners or I may chance to broach you Beere Broach me alas poore Wine t is not