vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things as are suffered in that place She beginnes also to declare the vvay and manner hovv that Monasterie vvas founded in Auila vnder the name of S. Ioseph AFter a long time when our Blessed Lord had already done me manie of those Fauours which I haue heer related as others also which were very great I found one day whilst I was in Prayer though I could not tell how that I was placed in Hell And I vnderstood that our Lord was pleased that I should see the place which the Diuels had prepared for me and which I had deserued for my Sinnes This lasted but a very little space of time but yet if I should liue manie yeares I hold it for an impossible thing that euer I should be able to forget it The entrie thereof seemed to me to be after the manner of a long and straite Lane or rather as if it had been a low narrow long and darke Ouen The ground seemed to be as if it had been like water all thickned with durt and it was both very filthie and of a most pestilentiall smell and had a multitude of loathsome vermine as flyes and wormes and such other vglie creatures in it At the end of it there was a certaine hollow place as if it had been a kind of a little Presse in a wall into which I saw my self crowded with great constraint Now all that was euen delightfull to the sight in comparison of what I felt there and this which I haue sayd of it already I also find to be very imperfectly described But as for the Feeling part the verie beginning to say what it was is a thing which can neither be well no nor euen almost at all related as it was indeed in regard that I felt a certaine fire in my verie Soule though yet I know not how to declare it as indeed it was For all those almost insupportable torments which I haue felt with all extremi tie in this life and whereof the Physitians are wont to affirme that euen in the Corporeall way they are the greatest which can be suffered in this world as namely that shrinking-vp of all my Sinnewes when I instantly grew lame by it besides manie other torments in seuerall kindes as also that I haue been vexed much by the Diuel are all no more then absolutly iust nothing in comparison of what I felt in that place besides my knowing with all this that no part of it was euer to cease but to continue without euer haueing an end And yet euen all this which I haue sayd is also nothing in comparison of that continuall agonizing of the Soule that pressing that stifling which is so very sensible an affliction togeather with that desperate kind of discontent and disgust and repining which I am no way able to expresse For to say that it is a continuall tearing of the Soule into fitters is to say little since in that case it seemes that it must be some other bodie who teares it but in this the Soule it self is the verie Executioner which euen teares it self There is besides all that another strange Ingredient which is that interiour kind of fire and that vnspeakable despaire vpon those intollerable torments and sorrowes I saw not who it was that inflicted these things but me thought I found my self to be sliced and minced and prest and burnt all at once And I say and say againe that that interiour fire and despaire is the very worst of it all Whilst I was in this most pestilentiall place and that without anie possibilitie of euer so much as once hoping for anie comfort at all there was no such thing to be thought of as sitting or extending my self nor is there anie place voyd to receaue one though yet they had put me into that thing which is like a hole in a wall because euen those verie walls which are also most hideous to the sight doe euen presse their verie selues close towards and vpon one another and euerie thing there helpes to choake There is also no light in that place but all is grosse and euen palpable darknes For my part I vnderstand not how this can be for with hauing no light at all yet all that which may be able to giue anie vexation to the Sight is discerned and seen Our Lord was not pleased at that time that I should see anie more of Hell but afterward I had another Vision of most fearefull things and of the punishment of certaine particular vices And forasmuch as I might be able to discerne and iudge of by the sight these seemed to be euen more hideous then the former but yet in regard that I felt not the paine of it they made me not so much afrayd For in this other present Vision our Lord was pleased that I should really feele those torments and afflictions in Spirit euen as if my verie Bodie had been suffering them there I know not how all this could be but yet I vnderstood well enough that it was a very great Fauour and that our Lord was pleased that I should discerne as euen by the verie sight of mine owne eyes from whence his great mercie had deliuered me For it is nothing to haue heard talke of it nor that at other times I had considered seuerall sorts of torments though yet I did it not often for I liked not that very well in regard of the feare it gaue me nor yet that the Diuels are wont to teare men in peices with hot pincers nor anie other thing whereof I had read for all in fine is nothing if once it be compared to this Since this is wholy another kind of thing and the torments of this world compared with this are no more then a meer Picture in comparison of the Life the verie burning which is felt in this world being but a verie trifle in respect of that other For my part I remained astonished and amazed at it and so I am euen whilst I am writing these things though it hapned to me six yeares agoe And it is a most reall truth that euen now in the verie place where I am but thinking of them the naturall heate of my bodie beginnes to faile me euen for verie feare Not doe I euer remember what passed then but that all my afflictions and troubles and whatsoeuer can be suffered in this life seemed nothing to me and so also me thinkes it seemes that in part we complaine heer without reason And therefore I say againe that this was one of the greatest Fauours that I euer receaued in my whole life at the hands of our Lord. For it hath benefited me very much both towards the making me loose all feare and care concerning the tribulations and contradictions of this life as also to giue me strength towards the enduring them and finally to render thankes to our Blessed Lord for deliuering me as now I
others of like condition that the conuersations vvhich she vsed and the contentments vvhich she tooke were lawfull That she conceaued not her self to be in Mortall Sinne for if she had knowne anie such thing of her self she would neuer haue endured it That she was euer a great enemie to detraction yea and that the vvorld vvas euer safe in that kind when she vvas present for euerie bodie vvho knew her knew also that she would not so much as endure that this Sinne should euer be cōmitted in her hearing That she was neuer any way subiect to Enuy And that she had also neuer obserued her self to offend Almighty God either by Hypocrisie or euen so much as Vaine-Glorie That she alwayes stuck so very fast to the truth of Holie Scripture and euen to the least Ceremonie of the Holie Catholick Church that rather then beleiue otherwise she vvould endure a thousand deaths That she vvas not cordially addicted to anie thing but to serue and please our Blessed Lord And that in fine the vvhole vvorld seemed to her to be no better then a very Hill of Ants. Now this vvas the verie truth of the Case and this was the state of our Saints Soule from the first to the last And yet vpon the cōsiderations which I touched before this Blessed and Heauenlie Creature I say Heauenlie euen vvhilst she vvas yet vpon Earth would needs conceaue her self once in Prayer not only to see but euen to feele her self to be in those verie torments of Hell vvhich she held her self as hath been sayd to haue deserued for her sinnes and vvhich indeed vvould haue been litterally and finally true if our Lord had not preuented her and accompanied her and conducted her by his Holie Spirit and Heauenlie grace without which what liuing Creature can be safe But that otherwise she had actually committed such sinnes as for which hose eternall tormēts might be indeed deserued seems to be but an vngrounded and vnsound opinion in realitie of truth For the constant excellencie of her Life was such as that she beganne at the first where others might be glad to end it namely with feruent and inflamed desires of Martyrdome euen when she was scarce eight yeares old and both continued finished the same afterward in such vertue and expresse sanctitie of the highest kind as that the world may be rather willing then able to admire it to such a proportion as it deserues And therefore that conceipt of her great Sinnes and of her deserued place also in Hell seemes partly to haue had the true foundation vpon the iealous and sollicitous and curious enamoured and inflamed Affections of the faithfull watchfull loyall laborious thoughts of our Glorious Saint which tended almost euer towards a complying in most perfect manner with the duties to which she held that she was liable in her self and with the Inspirations by which she was so constantly sollicited and called vpon and as it were euen Courted by the powerfull and pretious hart of our Blessed Lord and partly yea and peraduenture cheifly by the ill quarter which she conceiued and acknowledged her self to haue kept sometimes with our Blessed Lord by not corresponding with his heauenly grace and not complying with his holie Inspirations and commiting some neglects in that kinde whilst yet she was so enarnestly moued by his Diuine Maiestie to giue-ouer certaine naturall affections and recreations of hers In regard of which vnkindnesse towards Almightie God she might haue congruously deserued to be depriued of God's grace afterwards and then she might also haue falne by degrees not only into greater faults but euen into greiuous Sinnes which might truly haue been then ascribed to her former lesser offences And so it was meerly the vnspeakeable goodnes of Almightie God and no merit of hers that she was not permitted to fall by degrees euen as low as Hell it selfe Like a man who in a small distemper of bodie neglects the helpe of Phisitians and growes thereby afterward into mortall diseases death Now therefore in all such things as might concerne the estimation which she made of her self in order either to the excellencie or deformitie of her life there is and let the Glorious Saint forgiue me this errour once of speaking truth no credit at all to be giuen her because that subiect lyes but in the way of discourse all things in effect of that nature vse to be iust of that verie colour whereof those Glasses be through which they are seen and I haue already shewed that hers were of the partiall Cutt. But as for those other things which occurred to be set downe by her in the Historicall way or els which are related as hapning to the person of the writer in the vvay of fact whether it were more or lesse as namely that she did and suffered and sayd and heard and felt saw whatsoeuer she affirmed in those kinds whether it were in the Naturall or Supernaturall way there can be no question made as I haue shewed els where but that all was most certainly euen most punctually true For els she either must deceiue or be deceaued whereof the former were a great impietie but farre enough from her the latter all circumstances considered and especially in parriculars of that nature no lesse then a most impertinent absurditie to be either affirmed or beleiued as was partly touched before It is true that both in her Supernaturall Prayer and yet more in her Visions and Reuelations there are manie things which surpasse anie Vnderstanding which is but meerly Humane but so also are there in finit other Particulars in the Ecclesiasticall Historie concerning other Saints which howsoeuer they seem and are strange yea and much more strange then these yet are they generally and most iustly admitted to the degree of Morall beleif For as we Catholiques are instructed taught that on the one side we must not be so light or rather in fine to the end that things may haue their right names not so very weake and foolish as to beleiue strange and supernaturall things without a mightie deale of authoritie and proofe yea and the Church her self doth most bitterly Excommunicate whatsoeuer Creature in the world who shall knowingly propound anie false thing of this kinde to be beleiued so on the other side that they are most iustly to be held both rash and childish and foolish who beleiue not that which multitudes of the most and wisest and worthiest and learnedst and holiest men beleiue Though yet still in all these Cases wherein the Church hath not expresly declared her self we are not to beleiue things with Diuine Faith but only with a Morall humane beleif no nor euen so much as that but only when they are so abundantly proued to be true as that they can not rationally be denyed or euen doubted by anie prudent pious man For to resolue to beleiue nothing at all which is eleuated aboue the ordinarie
Credo though yet still not by way of Discourse then we could tell how to vnderstand with all our humane diligences of this world in the compasse of manie yeares But now to exercise and employ the Powers of the Minde and yet the while to thinke of making them stand at a stay is a sensles kind of fancie and foolerie And I say and say againe though perhaps it be not well vnderstood that this is no act of anie great Humilitie and though it should not be guiltie of being a fault yet it will not faile to be subiect to the punishment for at least it will be all labour lost and the Soule findes it self to remaine with an odd little kinde of disgust as when a man goes to leape when yet men hold him fast by the back For such an one seemes already to haue employed all his strength to doe somewhat which he desired and yet findes himself without effecting what he pretended And so whosoeuer will consider the matter well shall come to discerne by the slender gaine which he made this little half inuisible dust of the want of Humilitie whereof I spake For in fine this vertue hath that excellencie amongst others in it That there is no worke or action in the world if it be accompanied with that vertue which will euer leaue the Soule in disgust There were diuers yeares when I was wont to reade manie things and yet vnderstood none of them all and there was afterward also a long time when though God gaue me abilitie to vnderstand yet could I not speake a word wherewith to make it be vnderstood by others and this point cost me no small labour But when his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to teach it he doth it so all at an instant that I am amazed And one thing I can say with much truth that though I spake with manie Spirituall persons who had a minde to make me vnderstand what our Lord imparted to me that so I might the better declare things in particular and cleare manner to them it is certaine that my dulnes was so great as that their discourse was not of anie vse to me at all And perhaps our Blessed Lord as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed still to be my Master let him be blessed for euer since it is confusion enough for me to be able to say thus much with truth was pleased that I should haue no bodie to thanke for it but himself and that without my desiring or euen wishing it for in this I was not a whitt curious wherein it might haue been a vertue to be so but I was so about the vanities of the world he would giue me to vnderstand and comprehend it with all claritie yea and so as that I could vnfold it also to others in such sort as that men were amazed at it and my self more then anie of my Ghostlie Fathers because I vnderstood mine owne dulnes better then they Nor is it anie long time since this hapned to me and so I procure not to know those things which our Lord hath not taught me but I only consider and take care of them so farre as whereby my Conscience may be concerned I returne yet once againe to aduise and declare that it will import vs very much not to eleuate and raise our Spirit vnlesse our Lord be pleased to eleuate and raise it which if he doe it will instantly be vnderstood and especially this is more dangerous for woemen for the Diuel may bring some illusion vpon them though yet withall I hold it for very certaine that our Lord will not permitt that the Diuel should be able to hurt anie such person as shall procure to approach his Diuine Maiestie with Humilitie but rather that he shall be able to giue himself more aduantage and profit by that whereby the Diuel meant to destroy him But now in regard that this way of beginners in the exercise of Mentall Prayer is more beaten and because the admonitions which I haue giuen import much I haue enlarged my self thus farr though yet others will certainly haue written much better of it But thus much doe I confesse and I haue expressed my self heerin with abundance of confusion and shame though yet still not with so much as I ought to haue had Let our Lord be euer Blessed for all since he permits and is pleased that so miserable a Creature as I should speake of things belonging to his Diuine Maiestie and those things such and so high THE THIRTEENTH CHAPTER She proceeds in this First Degree and State of Prayer and giues aduise against some temptations vvhich the Diuel is sometimes vvont to bring This Discourse is very profitable I Haue thought fitt to speake heer of certaine temptations which I haue found to be brought against some in their beginning to vse Mentall Prayer and some I haue felt my self and I will also giue some aduise which I hold to be necessarie heerin Let therefore a beginner procure to goe-on with great alacritie and Libertie of Spirit for there be some who are apt to thinke that all their deuotion is instantly to vanish if they doe neuer so little amisse therein It is true that it will be very fitt to continue in a holie doubt and feare of themselues that so they may not be confident at all to put themselues into anie occasion wherein our Lord is wont to be offended for it will euer be very necessarie to vse this actual diligence till one be very entire in the possession of vertue and there are not manie who may be so very confident of themselues as that in such occasions which haue conformitie with their naturall disposition and inclination they may be out of care and feare And in fine it will euer be fitt that so long as we shall liue in this world we consider our miserable nature though it were but euen for the continuall exercise of humilitie but there are manie times when it is permitted as I haue sayd to be taking recreation though it were but to enable vs the better to returne the more encouraged and fortifyed towards the making of Prayer In all things it will euer be needfull to vse discretion and withall to haue great confidence in God for it is by no meanes fitt to goe lessning diminishing our desires but to belieue of Almightie God that if we will endeauour earnestly by little and little we may by the fauour of his Diuine Maiestie ariue though it be not presently where manie Saints haue ariued who if they had neuer resolued to aspire to Perfection and had not also endeauoured by little and little to acquire it would neuer haue been able to obtaine so high a State His Diuine Maiestie is a very great friend and fauourer of couragious Soules so that withall they proceed with Humilitie not with anie confidence in themselues and I haue yet neuer seen anie one of this kinde who hath
Hovv manie yeares she had continued in that dangerous state And in fine hovv she conceiued that her proper place and particular torments vvere prepared for her in Hell it self for the euerlasting punishmēt of her Sinnes which she faith she felt in Spirit Whereas yet in realitie and sinceritie of truth it may be cleer enough to such as vvill vnpartiallie consider vvhat they are to iudge and not looke through the mist or clovvde of that too great insatisfaction and seueritie vvhich she vvould be sure to carrie tovvards her self that she vvas alvvaies farre from committing anie Mortall Sinne in all the course of her Life Now the difference in point of Iudgement betvveen our Saint and others may well seem to haue proceeded from this occasion vvhich follovves They looked vpon her vvhole life vvith the eyes of a Religious kind of reason And she vvith those euen of a kind of inordinate passion as a man may say of deuotion They looked vpon her as men vvho being informed euen by her self of the Case are most fitt through their indifferēcie to be the Iudge Whereas she looked vpon her self as a meer Partie vvho must not in her ovvne Case be trusted by anie meanes so vvell as her Iudge especially vvhen that Iudge knovves all things as vvell as her self since she declares them to him Besides that she expresses cleerly hovv diuerse vvho vvere her Ghostlie Fathers at the times of her greatest imperfection declared to her in very positiue tearmes that she vvas farre from commiting Mortall Sinne. And note that they passed such a Iudgement vpon her at times vvhen her self professes that she Confessed all her Sinnes so entirely as not to omitt so much as euen all those Veniall Sinnes vpon vvhich she could reflect So that clearly by the verie vvorst of her case if anie such thing as she had euer done vvere doubtfull if her Ghostlie Fathers assured her then that it vvas not Mortall as indeed they did what reason could she haue to be so very highly and irreconciliably vnsatisfyed vvith her self But the truth is she pearced so deeply by meanes of Celestiall grace into that endlesse spotlesse Mine of the Puritie of Almightie God and the vnlimited Excellentie of his High Maiestie and the vnspeakable deformitie of the least Imperfection or frailtie when once it should be brought to appeare before that incomparable Claritie of the King of Glorie And on the other side she vvas endued vvith such a strange internall kind of knovvledge of her self that it made as I vvas saying before those Moates of her Imperfections seem Mountaines vvhen once they vvere to appeare as in God's presence She vvas also of so very sensible a nature vvhich I must needs touch againe aftervvard and so easily obliged and so inseparably engaged vpon the receauing euen of poore vveake little seruices from mortall Creatures much more vvhen Celestiall Fauours distilled dovvne so very fast tovvards her from that neuer-failing Fountaine of Diuine Mercies that for her to find her self anie vvay vngratefull yea or so much as euen vnmindfull thereof and yet much more if she should proue so inhumanly vnkind as in stead of paying seruices to commit faults hovv light soeuer they might be such errours vvould seem in those eyes of hers vvhich still vvere fed from that inflamed hart to be really not very much lesse then almost as so manie halfe Sinnes against the Holie-Ghost And from this composition of her Minde both in the Naturall and Supernaturall vvay did grovv those profound detestations of her self those high exaggerations of her Imperfections and Frailties those lovvde exclamations against her supposed ingratitudes and vnkindnesses tovvards Almightie God vvhich broke as it vvere euen her ovvne verie hart vvhilst she vvas thinking and deliuered ouer such feeling arguments of her sad remorse vvhilst she vvas vvriting as are able to strike the vvater of teares out of the stonie harts of her Readers like the Rod of Moyses vvhich droue vvater out of the Rock vvhen once they lend their sight though neuer so little to behold that svveet Obiect of her enamoured thoughts and expostulations against her selfe From hence it is I say that she accused her self after a kind of obstinate manner vvhensoeuer she reflected vpon God her self in order to his Bounties on the one side her discorrespondences on the other Whilst yet vvhen her thoughts vvere bent but to expresse the plaine order of things after a manner meerly abstracted from those superiour Considerations she deliuers such truths concerning her self as makes all these imputations vvhich fell so fiercely vpon her Soule out of her ovvne mouth appeare to be farre different from that vvhich she would desire that they might be thought And so in conformitie vvith this you my Reader shall doe vvell to consider in serious manner how she vvho spoke after a sort erroneously vvhen she vvould partially iudge of her actions in order to the spotlesse Puritie of Almightie God and his strict Iudgement did yet vnfold her self most litterally truly vvhen she expressed her self Viâ facti and related her affections and actions as it were in the Historicall way Obserue therefore hovv in this vvay she saith of her self That she vvas euer very carefull not to commit anie Mortall Sinne That she had great care of her Conscience still forasmuch as cōcerned anie thing of that kind and that if euer she would be so vnhappie as to commit anie such sinne that she should neuer be in quiet till she vvas disburthened of it That she seldome receaued the B. Sacrament but vvith abundance of teares That after she had once tasted of the Regalo's of that Celestiall Banquet vvhich she beganne to doe vvhen she vvas young she neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing vvhich she might conceaue to be a Sinne though it vvere but Venial That she had euer great remorse whensoeuer she committed anie offence against Almightie God That she did naturally detest all dishonestie and that she conceaued not that there was either anie occasion or anie person in the whole vvorld vvho could possibly ouercome that resolution in her That difficulties grew after-vvard vpon her by occasion of some Conuersations vvhich she had vvhereof yet she Confessing her self by way of doubt as I haue insinuated before her Ghostlie Father made her know that she did not offend God therein For the truth of the case vvas this She vvas then a Secular vvoeman and the inclinations vvhich she had to the person vvere capable of being concluded in a Marriage besides that really on her part there vvas neuer so much as one impure thought That another Spirituall man vvith vvhome she also consulted shortly after about matter of her Soule by occasion of some feares into vvhich she grevv then to fall declared to her that though she vvere in the state of neuer so high Contemplation yet such conferences and conuersations as those vvere not to be inconuenient for her That she also vnderstood by
no meanes loose myself outright My Father and my Sister were much troubled about this friendship of mine and reproued me for it very often but yet they being vnable to remoue the occasion of her coming to vs at times their diligences were euer wont to fall short for my sagacity sharpe conceipt in contriuing anie thing which might be ill was very great I am sometimes vpon this occasion in a wonder at how much hurt ill companie may doe and if it had not been mine owne case I could hardly belieue it especially when it occurrs in the time of innocent and fresh youth for then doth it greatest hurt and I could wish that Parēts would take some warning by me that so they might consider it wel For the truth is that this conuersation did worke such an entire change vpon me that I who formerly had not only a Soule but euen a kinde of naturall constitution inclined to Vertue was growne to haue in effect no semblance or signe at all thereof and it seemes that both she and yet another who was vpon the matter of the same humour had imprinted their owne conditions vpon me From hence also I am growne to vnderstand how pretious a thing good companie is and I hold it for as good as a most certaine truth that if in that age of mine I had conuersed with onlie vertuous persons my selfe should haue proued accomplished in the way of Vertue and that if in those tender yeares I had mett with such as would haue made it their busines to make me feare Almighty God my soule would haue gathered such strength as might haue kept it from falling But afterward this feare of God growing to be lost the care only of my honour remained which gaue me a kinde of torment in whatsoeuer I did But now with thinking that such and such things would neuer be knowne I presumed to doe manie which were both against my honour and against God In the beginning those things did me harme as I am apt to thinke though yet perhaps that hapned not by the fault of others but by mine owne but afterward mine owne malice fell out to be sufficient for mine owne mischief together with the help of my Maides who were readie enough for anie thing that was naught If anie one of them had but aduised me well it would haue serued my turne but interest blinded them as my inclination did me And though I neuer was addicted to much ill for euen naturally I abhorred such things as concerned dishonestie yet I liked to passe my time in faire conuersation but being afterward growne into the occasions the danger was neerer at hand and that brought also my Father and my Brothers into some But God deliuered me out of them in such sort as that it well appeared how he was pleased to procure euen against my will to preserue me from my totall perdition though yet still things could not be carried so priuatly as that my honour did not suffer preiudice by it euen abroad besides a little suspicion of my Father at home For I remember not that they ariued to be three moneths of my walking vp and downe in these vanities when they carried me to a certaine Monasterie in this towne where they were wont to giue education to such as I was though yet not so vntoward as myself But it was donne with great discretion and reserue for only I and a kinsman of mine knew of it and they stayed a while for a certaine coniuncture of things to keepe it from seeming new or strange for my Sister was then lately married and so it would not seeme so very handsome that I should stay at home alone without a Mother The loue which my Father bore me was so extreame and so also was my dissimulation that he could not belieue so much ill of me as I deserued and therefore I was not falne into his disfauour For the time hauing been but short though perhaps he might happen to heare of some little wispering yet it could neuer be deliuered to him with anie certaintie in regard that I hauing so tender a care of myself in point of honour all my diligences were employed vpon keeping things secret and I considered not the while how impossible a thing it was to hide anie thing from him by whome all things are seen O my God! what a mischief doth it bring vpon the world to make light of this and to thinke that such things can be secret as are repugnant to thy will For my part I hold it for certaine that many great sinnes would be forborne if once we would grow to vnderstand that the busines doth not consist in saueing our selues harmlesse from men but in keeping our selues very farre from disgusting Almightie God During the first eight dayes of my being in the Monasterie I feit it much euen for it self but yet more for the suspicion I had that my vanitie was discouered then for that I was placed there For now already I became wearie of doing ill and I failed not to haue great feare of Almightie God whensoeuer I offended him and I procured to Confesse myself often But after those eight dayes yea peraduenture sooner I grew to be better pleased there then euen in mine owne Fathers house All the Religious were glad to be in my companie for in this our Lord endewed me with a particular grace that I alwayes gaue contentment wheresoeuer I was and so I vsed euer to be much beloued And though I were at that time in extremitie of being auerse from becoming a Religious woeman yet I ioyed to see so good Religious woemen as they were after an eminent proportion in that house and of great puritie and obseruance and recollection But yet notwithstanding all this the Diuel gaue not ouer to tempt me and he found out such persons from abroad as might disquiet me with certaine messages of theirs But in regard there was no great oportunitie for those things they quickly ceased and my soule beganne againe to accustome it selfe to the good impressions of my first youth and I saw how great fauour Almighty God doth them whome he casts into their companie who are good And it seemes as if the Diuine Maiestie had gone looking and yet looking againe by what meanes he might bring me back to himself Blessed be thou O lord who didst endure me so long Amen One particular there was which it seemes might turne a little to my excuse if I had not been guiltie of so manie faults And it is that the Conuersation which I held was with one who by way of marriage seemed to make it probable to end well And I informing myself about it of my Confessarius and of others also with whome I consulted in manie things they told me that I offended not Almighty God But now one of the Religious was lodged where we who were secular persons were also accommodated and it seemes that our lord was pleased to
that I should shed those teares did shew me fauour enough for his part since I forgot the sense and tendernes thereof so soone And I recommended my self to that glorious Saint that she might help me to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes But I conceaue that I profited the more in that last time vvhen I prayed before the Picture because then I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self and placed all my confidence in Almightie God To my thinking I told him then that I vvould neuer rise from thence till he granted me the humble Suite which I had made and I am fully of opinion that it did me good for I haue gone improuing much euer since that time Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer because not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding I procured to represent Christ our Lord to my minde as being then within my verie self and Ieuer also found it to proue better with me in my opinion when I conceaued my self to find him all alone For he being alone and I being so much afflicted me thought he was to admitt me yea and to assist me too as a person who was in necessitie and miserie Of this kind of Simplicities I had manie and in particular I vsed to find my self very well in the Prayer of the Garden yea and I was in my kingdome when I might accōpanie him there I thought also much vpon that Sweat togeather with the great affliction which he sustained then and I wished that I might haue been permitted to wipe that most painefull Sweat from his face but I remember how in fine I neuer durst resolue to presume to doe it so grieuously did my Sinnes represent themselues to me Howsoeuer I remained there by him as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue but the truth is I had store of such as tormented me Most nights during manie yeares before I went to rest and when I was recommending my self to God ere I slept I euer thought a little vpon this passage of his Prayer in the Garden and that euen before I was a Religious woeman for they told me that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it and at least I am of opinion that my Soule got much by this meanes because thus I beganne to make Mentall Prayer euen without expresly knowing what it was and then it was as vsuall for me not to omitt this custome as not to faile of blessing my self with the Signe of the Crosse before sleep But to returne to what I was saying of the torment which my thoughts were wont to giue me This māner of proceeding without discourse of the Vnderstāding hath this in it That the Soule must both gaine much and loose much I meane all consideration and discourse is lost for as for profiting they profit much who vse it since all such Prayer is Loue. But to ariue to this point pitch it will cost euerie bodie a great deale of paines except such as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct in a short time to Quiet Prayer of which kind I know some and for them who goe by this way it will be good to haue some Booke or other at hand that so they may recollect themselues quickly As for me it did me also good to looke vpon Fields or Flowers or Water for in these things did I find the memorie of our Creatour as I also did in mine owne ingratitude and Sinnes all which particulars were wont to awake me and recollect me and to serue me in stead of a Booke for as for Heauen and such high things as that my Vnderstāding was so dull that I could neuer I say neuer be able to haue or frame anie imagination or fancie concerning them till our Lord represented them to me by other meanes And I had so very little abilitie to represent things to my minde by way of the vnderstanding-part that my Imagination serued me not to worke vpon anie thing but only what I saw with mine eyes which yet others are able enough to doe who know how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues vpon which they can recollect their thoughts For my part I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord as man but yet it is very true that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie or saw his Pictures yet could I neuer represent him to my self but iust so as one who were either in the darke or els stark blind might be able at that verie time to represent anie other person to himself For though such an one may speake with such another know that he is with that person because he is sure that the sayd person is there yet in fine he doth but vnderstand and belieue him to be there for he sees him not and in this sort did it happen to me when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason was I so great a friend and fauourer of the vse of Images or holie Pictures Miserable Creatures are they who loose this benefit through their owne fault And it appeares also well enough that they doe not loue our Lord for if they loued him they would be glad to see his Picture as heer it giues vs contentment so see the pictures of those persons whome we loue About this time they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin and it seems our Lord did so ordaine it for neither did I procure them nor had I euer seen them I bare a very great affection to this Saint because the Monasterie where I liued before I grew to be Religious was of his Order and besides in regard that he had been a Sinner for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints who after hauing been Sinners were conuerted to our Lord as conceauing that I should haue help by their meanes and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me as he had done them Saue only that I was discomforted by this consideration as I haue sayd before that our Lord called them but once and they returned not to fall from him anie more but as for me I had falne so often that it afflicted me to the verie hart But yet still when I considered the loue he bore me I grew to be encouraged againe for I neuer distrusted his mercie though I doubted of my self very often O my deare Lord how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect whilst it receaued so manie helps at thy hand and all in vaine And it strikes me with much feare to consider how little I was able to winne vpon my self all that while and how I remained still bound vp from resoluing to giue my self vvholy to thee But vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions me thought that Case vvhich had been his vvas also now directly mine owne and I recommended my self much to that glorious Saint But vvhen I came aftervvard to his Conuersion and read hovv he heard that Voice
things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
but as for Beginners learned men if they possesse not the vse of Prayer can be of little profit to them Yet I say not that they should not treat and conferr with such men as are learned for as for hauing a Spirit which should not be first setled in a way of truth for my part I had rather haue it without Prayer For Learning is a great matter since it instructs vs who know little and brings vs light and when we approach neer to the truths of Holie Scripture we beginne to doe that which we ought but as for sillie and foolish deuotions our Lord deliuer vs from them I will declare my self yet better for I feare I put my self vpon too manie things at once though I euer wanted meanes to know how to giue my self to be well vnderstood as I haue sayd but vpon the expence of manie words A Religious Woeman for examples sake will beginne to vse Prayer and in case some sillie kinde of man direct and gouerne her he will if the toy take him in the head giue her to vnderstand that it is better for her to obey him then her Superiour yea and he will doe it without anie malice at all as conceauing that he is in the right And now she being a Religious woeman will be likelie enough to thinke that he sayes true And if she be a married woeman he will tell her that it is best for her euen when she ought to be about her House-hold businesses to exercise her self in Prayer though it were to be to the disgust of her husband So that she knowes not how to dispose of her time nor of her businesses in such sort as that all may goe according to reason and truth because in fine that Directour wants light and not hauing any himself he cannot giue it to others though he would neuer so faine And though in order to this end it seem that there is no great need of Learning yet as for me my opinion both is and euer will be that all Christians shall doe well to treat with such men about their Soules as are well learned and so much the more so much the better and they who goe by the way of Prayer haue yet more need then others to meet with such men and so the more they shall be also Spirituall the better will it be for them still And let not folkes deceaue themselues with saying That learned men without the exercise of Prayer are not to the purpose for them who vse Prayer for I haue dealt with manie and for some of these latter yeares I haue endeauoured it the more because then I found my self in more necessitie But I was euer much a freind of learned men for though some of them haue not experience yet they hate not Spirituall people nor are not ignorant what these things meane because they euer find this truth that there is such a thing as a good Spirit by holie Scripture wherein they are continually versed And as for me I hold that a person who exercises Prayer and will treat with learned men shall neuer be deceaued by illusions of the Diuel if he haue not a minde to deceaue himself For I belieue that the Diuel is mightily afrayd of Learning whensoeuer it is accompanied with Humilitie and Vertue for he knowes that he shall be discouered in the end and that so he shall come to loose by the bargaine And now I haue sayd thus much because I know there are opinions that learned men are not fitt for persons of Prayer vnlesse they be also of Spirit Already I haue signifyed that it would be necessarie to haue a Spirituall Directour but if he proue not to be learned the inconuenience will be great yet it will be of much help to treat with learned men so that they be vertuous for though they be not Spirituall as in this case we vnderstād Spirituall they will yet be able to benefit vs and God will vouchsafe to enable them to teach vs yea and so may perhaps by degrees grow euen to make them also become Spirituall to the end that they may be able to instruct vs the better And I speake not this without some tryall for the occasion hath hapned to me with more then two I say therefore that if a Soule resolue to render it self to be entirely subiect to the order of anie one Directour she shall err very much vnlesse she procure in particular manner that he be learned especially if he be a Religious man of anie Order Because such an one is to be subiect to his Prelate or Superiour and in that case peraduenture all those three aforesayd parts which were sayd to be so necessarie for a Directour will be wanting to him which will be no little crosse to the Partie besides that he may perhaps find himself to haue voluntarily submitted his Vnderstanding to that of another man who hath no very good one himself At least forasmuch as concernes me I was neuer able to bring my self to it nor indeed doe I hold it conuenient But now if the Partie of whome we speake be a Secular person let him blesse Almightie God that himself may make choice of that man to whome he will resolue to subiect himself and let him take care not to loose this vertuous libertie Nay let him euen stay without anie Directour at all till he find a fitt one for our Lord will not faile to prouide him such an one if he goe wholy grounded in Humilitie and with desire to make a fitt choice For my part I praise a fitt Directour very much and woemen and such men also as are not learned were alwaies to giue God infinit thankes for that there are some in the world who take so great paines and trouble to obtaine the knowledge of truth whereof such as be not learned are ignorant And it amazes me manie times to see Religious men who are learned and particularly to consider with how much trouble they grew to gaine all that knowledge which is to bring me so much profit without anie more trouble of mine then only to aske them the question and yet that we should not benefit our selues by it But let not God permit that still it should continue to be so For I see them subiect to the troubles and mortifications of a Religious Life which are very great with Pennances with ill Diet with hard Lodging with being subiect in all things to Obedience and in fine I so perceaue that all is affliction and all Crosse that really the thought thereof doth cast me sometimes into confusion and me thinkes it must be a great miserie that anie bodie should loose so important a benefit by his owne fault It is possible that some of vs who are free from these austerities whereof I speake or at least if we feed vpon them we will needs haue them finely dressed after our owne fancie and so will liue as we list ourselues conceaue that
heer of what it might import if such persons were to preach or teach others for then it would be fitt to serue themselues of that aduantage towards the assisting of their neighbours to that good and to help also poore people who know very little like me For Charitie is a very great matter and so is this helping soules forward so that alwaies it be done purely for God But now in these times of possessing this great Quiet let the Soule be suffered to remaine in rest with her true repose and let Learning be layd aside for time will come afterward when it will fall-out to be held in so high account that they would by no meanes haue missed that treasure of knowledge if it were but only for the power it giues them to doe more and better seruice to his Diuine Maiestie for it assists very much in order to that excellent end But yet belieue me still that in the presence of that Infinit Wisdome a very little attention to exercise Humilitie one single act of that vertue is more worth then all the knowledge of the whole world For heer there is no roome for disputing of Questions or arguing Cases but only to know with truth and plainenes what we are to represent our selues with great simplicitie in the sight of Almightie God who desires that the Soule should make her self as very ignorant and sillie as in verie deed she is when once she comes to appeare in his presence since his Diuine Maiestie descends so much below himself as to endure her neer his owne person all we being that which we are The Vnderstanding will also moue it self heer to giue certaine thankes to Almightie God which may be handsomely ordered and composed but the Will with a certaine kinde of Quiet and peace and with a not daring like the Publican of the Gospell so much as lift-vp her eyes payes yet more retribution of thankes then the Vnderstanding perhaps knowes how to doe with reuoluing all the Rhetorick in the world But in fine we are not totally in this case to forbeare to make Mentall Prayer no nor yet sometimes to vse some Vocall Words if we will and can And I say can because if the Quiet be great and deep they will hardly enough be able to speake without making it cost them much paine In my opinion we may well vnderstand when this is of the Spirit of Almightie God and when it happens to be procured by our selues though it be vpon a beginning of that deuotion which God giues vs. For when as I haue sayd wee will needs resolue our selues of our selues to procure to passe on to this possessing the Quiet of the Will it vses to worke no good effect at all but quickly ends and leaues nothing but drynes behind it And if it chance to proceed from the Diuel a Soule which is exercised in this kind will I belieue grow easily to vnderstand it for in that case it will leaue a certaine kind of disquiet and little affection to Humilitie and an vntoward disposition in order to the producing of those effects which the Spirit of Almightie God is wont to breed nor doth it also leaue either light in the Vnderstanding or a constant loue of truth in the Will And this will doe a Soule either very little hurt or none at all if she direct and addresse the suauitie and delight which then she feeles to the glorie of Almightie God and if she lodge her thoughts and desires vpon him as I haue formerly aduised the Diuel will gaine little by the bargaine Nay rather Almightie God will so dispose of things that he shall loose much euen by that verie delight which he causes in her Soule for this verie delight shall be a meanes to make that Soule which conceaues that it proceeds from God to come againe often to Prayer with desire to receaue more delight Or els if the Soule be very humble and not withall very curious nor very much interessed in taking delights though euen they be spirituall but be indeed a true friend to the Crosse she will make very little account of anie gust which the Diuel can giue her which yet she shall neuer be able to doe if indeed it be the Spirit of God for in that case she will euer be sure to hold it in verie high account Now when the Diuel propounds such a busines since he is all made of Lyes whensoeuer he sees a Soule abase and humble her self by meanes of that delight and gust which she receaues for indeed we are to haue very great care to procure to proue very humble vpon all the occasions of Prayer and gusts the Diuel will not returne to tempt vs very often when he cōsiders how much he looses by the endeauour For this reason and vpon manie other considerations did I aduertise in the First Degree and State of Prayer which answers to the First way of drawing Water in the Garden that it is a principall busines when the Soule is entring first vpon Prayer to beginne to vntye her self from the desyre of all kinde of sensible contentment and to enter vpon this onlie resolution to help our Lord IESVS to carrie his Crosse like good Caualliers who are resolued to serue their King without wages since they are so sure of him as they are And we are also still to carrie our eyes vpon that true and euerlasting Kingdome which we procure to acquire It is a very great point to haue this euer in view and especially in the beginnings for afterwards it is seen so very clearly that it may rather be fitt to forget it to the end that we may be able euen to liue then procure to be remembring that the world is to last very little and that all in fine is nothing and that heer the ease and rest which we can haue is to be esteemed for nothing This may seem to be a very poore and base consideration and so indeed it is for they who haue proceeded to more perfection would take it for an affront and would euen blush and be ashamed amongst thēselues if they thought they forsooke the goods of this world because they must come once to haue an end For although those goods were to last alwaies they would yet reioyce to leaue them for the loue of our Lord and still the more perfect they were they would reioyce so much the more yea the more also would they reioyce the longer they belieued they were to last In these men this Loue is already growne-vp to strength and it is this which workes most but for such as are but Beginners it is a point of highest importance and they must by no meanes hold it for low to be content to leaue all gusts for God For the benefits which are gained by this cōsideration are great and therefore doe I aduise it so much Nay euen those others who are most eleuated and accomplished in Prayer will haue
need also of such considerations as these And there are times when Almightie God will try them nay it will seem as if this Diuine Maiestie would forsake them For as I haue sayd already and I would faine not haue it be forgotten the Soule in this life which we liue encreases not as the Bodie doth though yet we say it doe and really it doth encrease but yet a Child after he is growne and become tall and proues to be already a man returnes not to decrease againe and to haue a little bodie Yet now in the point of a Soule our Lord will haue it be otherwise by what I haue seen of my self for I know it not in respect of others and it ought to humble vs for our owne greater good and to the end also that we may not be negligent as long as we shall be in this bannishment since he who is highest in vertue shall doe well to feare himself most and to trust himself least The times perhaps may come when euen they who haue their Will so conforme to the Holie Will of Almightie God that they would rather be tormented and endure a thousand deaths then swarue from it shall doe well to be in doubt that euen they may grow to fall into some great offence of his Diuine Maiestie And so there are certaine times when they shall see themselues so assaulted by temptations and persecutions that to the end they may not commit grosse sinnes they will haue need to serue themselues of the First Defensiue weapons of Prayer and returne to remember and consider that all the world is finally to end and that there is a Heauen and a Hell and to vse such considerations as these But now returning to what I was saying a great foundation it is for being freed from the subtle enterprises and gusts which the Diuel is wont to giue to beginne with a firme purpose at the verie first to walke in the way of the Crosse and to desire no such thing as gusts since our Lord himself shewed this way of perfection by saying Take thou vp thy Crosse and follovv me For he is to be our Patterne and whosoeuer shall follow his counsels and that for no other reason then to content him may be sure that he shall haue nothing to feare And by the spirituall profit which they shall finde in themselues they will easily come to know that the Diuel had no hand therein and though they should euen returne to fall againe there will yet remaine one signe that our Lord had been there which is That they will quickly rise againe besides these others which I shall now declare When it is the Spirit of Almightie God there will be no need at all to goe in Quest and Sent after certaine reasons to draw humilitie and confusion from thence For our Blessed Lord himself is wont to impart it in those cases after a very different manner from that which our selues can procure by anie prettie little considerations of our owne all which are nothing in comparison of a certaine true Humilitie that comes along with a light which our Lord instructs vs in heer and which breeds such a reall confusion in vs as euen doth ētirely defeat vs. And the knowledge which Almightie God is wont to giue vs to the end that we may perfectly vnderstand that we haue no good at all of our selues is a thing very sufficiently perceaued and still so much the more as we receaue the higher Fauours from his hands It also imparts to a man a very great desire to proceed in Prayer and he will not giue it ouer for anie trouble which may possibly succeed to him He offers himself and is readie to endure all things He hath also a kind of assured hope that he shall be saued though yet still not without humilitie and feare By this time he also instantly forsakes all kind of seruile feare of his Soule and it giues a great deale of growth to a Filiall feare in stead thereof He sees that now he beginns to beare a certaine loue towards Almightie God which is farre from anie interest of his owne he couets to get times for Solitude that so he may haue the better oportunitie to enioy that good In fine that I may not wearie my self too much this is a direct beginning of all good things a State wherein the Flowers are now vpon the verie point to blossome And all this the Soule sees very clearly and can by no meanes at that time conceaue but that God was and will be with her till such time as she shall returne to find her self guiltie of faylings and imperfections towards him for in that case she feares all things and it is fitt that she doe so Though yet there are Soules in the world to which it proues more vsefull to beleiue for a most certaine truth that they are well with Almightie God then all the feares of the world are able to giue them For if the Soule in her self be apt to be enamoured and gratefull the memorie of that great Fauour which God did her will be of more power to make her returne to his Diuine Maiestie then all the torments of Hell which they can possibly be euer able to represent At least as wicked as I am it hapned after this manner to me Now as for the signes of a good Spirit I will speake of them heerafter more at large for now I cannot doe it since it costs me so much trouble of manie kindes to get them written our faire and I belieue that with the fauour of our Lord I may be able to hitt right in this kinde for besides the experience which I haue whereby I came to vnderstand manie things I know somewhat by meanes of some learned men who indeed are very learned and of some person 's also who are very holie to whome it is great reason to giue beleif And therefore let not other Soules be so very much afflicted and vexed as I haue been when once through the goodnes of Almightie God they shall be come on so farre as to find themselues in this State THE SIXTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Third Degree of Prayer and goes declaring some very high points and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre may be able to doe and vvhat effects these so great Fauours of our Lord are accustomed to vvorke The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high in the praises of Almightie God and it is also of great consolation for the Soule vvhich ariues to this State LEt vs now come to speake of the Third Water wherewith this Garden is watered for this is a running Water of a Riuer or Spring and it waters it with much lesse labour though yet the distribution thereof causes some Our Lord will heer so help the Gardner that in some sort he will be as it were the Gardner himself and in effect the Doer of all This is
And now it seemes to me that our Lord hath declared these States of Prayer wherein the Soule may discerne her self as farre as she can be giuen to be vnderstood heer And your Reuerence shall doe well to conferr about it with some such Spirituall person who may be learned as shall haue ariued thus farre And if he tell you that all is well you may conceaue that God hath sayd it to you and esteem it as a great benefit from his Diuine Maiestie for you will in tract of time reioyce as I haue sayd very much to vnderstand in cleare manner what it is though now whilst you haue the grace to enioy it he allowes you not the Fauour to vnderstand it so But as his Diuine Maiestie hath giuen you the first part which is the enioying so you will afterward perhaps by your knowledge and learning come also to vnderstand it by this meanes Let him be adored and praised for the eternitie of all eternities Amen THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Fourth Degree of Prayer She beginnes heer to declare in excellent manner the great dignitie to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule vvhich is exalted to this State It serues to animate men much to endeauour that they may ariue to so high a condition since it may be obtained in this vvorld through the goodnes of our Lord though it cannot be deserued Let this be read vvith consideration and care I Beseech our Lord that he will teach me how to vse some words and way of speech which may enable me to say somewhat of this Fourth Water for I well discerne that I haue need enough of his Fauour heerin euen yet more then I had in that of the last because in that the Soule doth find her selfe not to be wholy dead and so we may very well say that she is not dead because she remaines still in the world but still as I affirmed she hath sufficient vnderstanding to know that she is still heer and that she findes the Solitude wherein she is serues her self to some proportion of the exteriour at least so farre as by outward signes to giue that which she feeles to be vnderstood In all that kind of Prayer and in the manner also of it which hath been described the Gardner labours to some proportion though yet in the Prayer of these latter kindes his labour goes accompanied with so much ioy and such a happie kind of ease as that for his part he findes no trouble at all in it for he considers it not as Trouble but as Glorie and he would be glad that it might neuer end But in this Fourth Degree or kind of Prayer there is no suffering left at all but only enioying though yet without anie distinct particular vnderstanding of what is enioyed He knowes well enough that a certaine Good is enioyed wherein all good things are contained and shut-vp but yet this Good is not totally comprehended by him All the Senses are taken vp vpon the finding and feeling of this ioy in such sort as no one of them is so dis-employed as that it can possibly attend to anie thing els either in the exteriour or interiour way Before a certaine leaue or libertie was giuen to these Powers that they might be able to make some kind of demonstration of the great ioy they felt but heer the Soule enioyes much more beyond comparison and can giue her self also to be vnderstood much lesse Because there is no meanes left in the Bodie nor yet hath the Soule anie at all wherewith to communicate that ioy but all things would then be disturbance and euen torment to her yea and distraction from the entirenes of her sweet repose I say the Soule is no way able to communicate the ioy she hath if indeed there be an absolute and entire Vnion of all the three Powers togeather for as long as that Vnion lasts and that also if she be able to communicate it I say there is no absolute Vnion In what manner this thing happens which they call Vnion and what the thing also is I am not able to giue to be vnderstood It is declared in that which they call Mysticall Theologie but as for me I am not able so much as to name euen the tearmes Nor doe I know what that is which is called Minde nor the difference between Minde and Soule nor what also is Spirit for to me all these seuerall things seem to be but one though yet the Soule now and then spring-vp euen out of her self as if it were a kind of fire which is burning vp in a flame and sometimes this fire encreases with a kind of impetuositie Now this flame rises very much higher then doth the fire but yet still notwithstanding all that it is no distinct thing from the verie fire but it is the flame it self which still is in the fire Your Reuerence will vnderstand this matter by your learning but as for me I know not how to declare it better For my part the thing which I pretend to declare is what the Soule finds and feeles when it is in this Diuine Vnion for as for the knowing what an Vnion in generall is it is euerie where vnderstood well enough to be when two seuerall things become one O my deare Lord and how good art thou Blessed be thou for euer and let all things praise thee O my God who hast been pleased to loue vs in such sort as that we may be able to speake with truth of this kind of communication which thou vouchsafest to hold with Soules euen in this bannishment of ours which although they were neuer so holie and good yet this latitude of liberalitie and magnificence of thine were great in proceeding with them after this manner But in fine it is all thine owne Maiestie and Greatnes who giuest after the rate of what thou art O infinit latitude of Bountie and how magnificent are thy workes They are able euen to amaze anie such person as hath not his Vnderstanding wholy employed vpon the things of this world and who hath left himself no roome both for the knowing and considering such things as are reall truths But now that thou shouldst be pleased to fasten such Soueraine Fauours vpon Soules which haue offended thee so much doth really euen make an end of my verie Vnderstanding and when once I come to consider of this proceeding of thine I am euen vnable to passe on anie further But indeed how can anie Creature goe anie whither in this case which shall not be a meer comeing back againe since no Soule can euer know how to giue thee anie tolerable thankes for so incomparable Fauours As for me I help my self sometimes with speaking certaine impertinencies which haue neither head nor foot and it often happens to me both when I come from receauing these Fauours and when also our Lord is beginning to impart them for as for the verie time when I am enioying them I
by those beames you will find it to be all full of moates This Comparison is very literally true for before the Soule is in this Extasis she conceiues her self to haue been very carefull not to offend Almightie God that she performed it according to the vttermost of her power but yet being come once so farre as that this Sunne of Iustice shines vpon her which makes her open her eyes she then sees so many moates therin that she would be glad if she could tell how to shut them againe for she is not yet become so true an Eaglet of this swift and strong Eagle which bred her as that she can be able to looke earnestly vpon this Sunne But how little soeuer she chance to hold them open she sees her self all impure and calls that Verse to minde which saith VVho shall euer be iust in thy presence When once she beholds this Diuine Sunne her sight is dazled by the brightnes of it but when she lookes in vpon her self her eyes are stopped vp with clay and so this poore Doue is blind yea and it happens manie times that she also remaines blind for good and all as being absorpt amazed and as it were out of her witts with so manie mightie greatnesses as she is then growne to see Heer finally is true Humilitie acquired not careing anie way at all either to speake well of her self or yet that others should doe it And our Lord deuides and disposes of the Fruit of this Garden not she and so there sticks nothing of it to her fingars All the good which she hath goes on as still addressed to Almightie God and if she be drawne to say anie thing of her self it is also directed to his glorie for she knowes that she hath no interest therin and cannot be ignorant therof euen though she would as discerning it by the verie sight of her eyes which are shut towards the things of this world but which are still kept open for the vnderstanding of Truths almost whether she will or no. THE ONE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes and finishes this last Degree of Prayer She declares vvhat the Soule finds therein vvhen she returnes to liue againe in the vvorld and the Light also vvhich our Lord giues concerning the deceipts and errours of the same vvorld This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine I Will therefore now finish that which I was saying That namely there is heer no more now anie need that the Soule should giue anie new consent since already she hath giuen it all and knowes that she hath voluntarily deliuered her self wholy vp into his hands and that she cannot deceiue him who is the knower of all things for it is not as things passe heer in this world where all this life of ours is full of nothing but duplicities and deceipts and when you thinke you haue fully gotten the good will of anie Creature by the shew he makes you quickly come to vnderstand that all is tricks and lyes and that no bodie can tell how to liue in a world of so much odd busines especially if there be anie little interest of the Parties But blessed is that Soule which our Lord comes once to draw to the knowledge of such things as are reall Truths O what a condition and fortune were this for Kings and how much would it import them more to gaine this great aduantage then to get large Dominions and States What rectitude would there be foūd in the Kingdome How manie mischiefs would haue been forborne already would also be forborne heerafter For heer there is no feare of loosing life or honour for the loue of Almightie God but rather such losses as these would goe for a great blessing amōgst such as find thēfelues carrie another māner of respect to the honour of our Lord then to all them to whome they are lesse obliged For Kings are the men whome those others follow and in this case these Kings would loose a thousand Kingdomes and they would haue great reason to be glad to doe so rather thē to loose the meanes of making one stepp further towards the augmentation of the Holie Catholick Faith or the procuting some light for Hereticks for it is another manner of busines to purchase and get such a kind of Kingdome as will neuer end And what Soule soeuer shall come to tast but one single dropp of this water all the rest of this whole world will be but fitt euen to turne the stomack But now if the Soule of such a person should fall out to be once ingulfed into this water what strange effects would it produce Deare Lord if thou shouldst draw me to such a condition as that I might be able to publish this truth with a lowd voice they would yet beleiue mee no more then they doe others who know how to publish the same after a much better manner But yet at least I should giue satisfaction to my self and me thinkes I should esteem euen my verie life but at a little rate vpon condition that I might be able to giue but some one of these single Truths to be well vnderstood And yet I know not what I should be able to doe with my self afterward for there is no trust at all to be had in me I being that miserable creature which I am Yet still I haue so great impulses to vtter and declare these things to such as be in authoritie and command that me thinkes they doe euen annihilate and consume me And yet now since I can doe no more I returne O my Lord towards thee to seeke remedie for all inconueniences for thou O my Lord knowest well how highly glad I would be to dispossesse my self euen of all these verie Fauours which of thy goodnes thou hast vouchsafed to doe me prouided alwayes that I might still remaine in condition neuer to offend thee more and to resigne them vp to Kings and Princes for then it is very certaine that it would be wholy impossible for them either to permit that those things should be done which are permitted or yet that they should faile to receiue extraordinarie blessings at thy hand O make them my God vnderstand to how much they are obliged since thou wert pleased by what I haue heard to honour them in such sort vpon earth as that when thou takest anie of them away there is some kind of signification therof euen in the Heauens And when I thinke of this it breeds a kind of deuotion in me that thou O my King maist be pleased to make them euen heerby vnderstand that they ought to imitate thee in their life since there grow in some sort to be certaine apparances and signes in Heauen at their death as there was when euen thy self camest to dye I see well that I am presuming very farre but I beseech your Reuerence teare it if you mislike it and beleiue that I would be glad to speake it better if I were present
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
doe it himself as indeed he did nor yet could I euer imagine that it would proue to take effect with me as yet it fell out to doe because already I had vsed some endeauours that way and the affliction which I receiued by it was so great that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt as being a thing which I held not to be inconuenient to continue But now heer our Blessed Lord imparted both libertie and strength to me to put it in execution I told this verie thing to my Ghostlie Father and I gaue ouer that freindship according to what I had been commanded And it did them no little good with whome I had been wont to conuerse to see this resolution growne in me Almightie God be euer blessed and praised who gaue me that libertie and power in one moment which I had not been able to purchase and obtaine of my self by the multitude of those great diligences which I had vsed manie yeares in order to this end though yet I had employed my self so earnestly vpon this attempt that it had cost me a good part of my health But now this hauing been wrought and granted by him who is the Omnipotent and true Lord of all Creatures it put me not euen to the least paine or trouble at all THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or speeches vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing anie voice or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction ME thinkes it should doe well to declare what kind of thing this Speech is which our Lord expresses to the Soule and what she also feeles to the end that your Reuerence may vnderstand it for from this verie time when our Lord did me this Fauour as I haue sayd the same thing is very vsuall with me euen till this verie present as I shall let you see by that which followes I say therefore that they are certaine Words very distinctly formed and that howsoeuer they be not heard with our eares of flesh and bloud yet are they vnderstood much more expresly and clearly then if they were so heard And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them yea and to resist the vnderstanding them how much soeuer it may be is a vanitie and a most impossible thing When in this world we haue a minde not to heare we may stopp our eares or els attend to other things if we will in such sort as that although peraduenture we may heare the words yet we shall not in that case vnderstand them But now in this discourse which Almightie God makes to the Soule there is no remedie at all but they make me harken to them whether I will or no they oblige the VnderstaÌ„ding to be very entire attentiue for the coÌ„prehending thereof For he who is able to doe all things is resolued that we shall vnderstand him and that which he resolues must be done and so he comes to be knowne to be the true Lord of vs all I haue very well experimented this truth for the resistance which I made him did last vpon the point of two yeares through the great feare wherein I was yea and euen now I make those tryalls sometimes but it serues me to little purpose I would faine declare the errours and abuses which may heer occurr though for a man who hath much experience me thinkes there should be few or none But indeed the sayd experience would be great as namely to know the difference when the Spirit is good and when it is ill and when perhaps the thing may also be but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self which may occurr or when the verie Spirit it self may speake to the verie self-same Spirit and I know not very well whether this may happen or no though euen this verie day I had a kind of opinion that it might When these Words are indeed of Almightie God I haue found the truth thereof in manie things which were told me two or three yeares before and they all fell out to proue true and till now not anie one of them failed There are also other things whereby it growes to proue very plaine that the Spirit is of God as I will declare afterward To me it seemes that a person recommending a thing to Almightie God with great earnestnes and apprehension may grow to make himself conceiue that he comes to vnderstand in some sort whether the thing shall be done or no and this I say is very possible but he who vnderstands things after this other manner will clearly discouer what it may be so great a difference there is between the two And if indeed it be a thing which the Vnderstanding deuises and makes how subtily and how delicately soeuer the matter goe he vnderstands that there is some part of himself in that which is ordained and sayd For it is no other thing then for a man to set a Discourse on foot or to harken to what another man sayes for then the Vnderstanding findes that it doth not harken then because it workes and the words which it goes framing in that case are as it were fantasticall and mute and confused and are not deliuered with that clearnes which those others haue And now heer it is in our owne power to diuert our selues or els to hold our peace when we speake but in this other case we haue no such power at all Another signe there is which is of more importance then all the rest for these things which are sayd by our selues haue no manner of operation and worke no effect at all But the other when our Lord is pleased to speake is not only of words but workes and though they be not words of deuotion but of reprehension they instantly dispose the Soule and they enable her and make her relent and they giue light and regale her and appease her And if she were in state of drynes and commotion and disorder these Words take all away as if it were with the hand yea and yet much better then so for it seemes that our Lord's busines is then to shew his mightie power and that his Words are deeds Me thinkes there is such a difference as there is between our speaking or hearing neither more â—orlesse For that which I speake I goe ordering as I was saying with my Vnderstanding but if another speake to me I doe no more then heare without anie trouble at all to my self One of these kindes of VVords is like some thing whereof we cannot well determine whether it be not as of a man who is half asleepe But this other is found to come from a voice so
and so make those Wretches tremble For already we know well enough that the Diuel is not able to stirre vnlesse our Lord permit him What then may be the ground of all these disorders It is certainly that I am more afrayd of them who are so frighted by the Diuel then of the Diuel himself for he is vtterly vnable to doe me hurt whereas these others especially if they be Ghostlie Fathers may put Soules to much disquiet and for my part I haue passed some yeares through so great trouble that now I am euen amazed to consider how I haue been able to endure it But Blessed be our Lord who hath assisted me in so good earnest Amen THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declaring such things as hapned to her vvhich made her loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleif that it vvas a good Spirit vvhich spake to her I Esteem the courage which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me against all the Diuels of Hell to be one of the great Fauours which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie to doe mee since for a Soule to goe cowardly on and to be fearefull indeed of anie thing but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God is an extreame inconuenience For since we haue a King who is Omnipotent and so great a Lord that he can doe what he listes and who brings all things into subiection vnder himself there is no feare at all to be had and therefore as I was saying we haue no cause to doubt so that we walke sincerely and with puritie of conscience in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie And in order to this end I shall be glad to haue all the feares in the world to offend him in anie one instant of my whole life who is able in the verie self-same instant to destroy and annihilate vs all As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs there is no Creature who can stand against vs without hauing his head broken for his paines You will peraduenture say that this is very true but yet now on the other side where shall we find that Soule which stands so streight as that she may be wholy pleasing to him and because she is not so she is in feare I answer that I am sure that that pure and innocent Soule is none of mine which indeed is very wretched and vnprofitable and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries But yet still we haue this comfort that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours as men doe for he knowes and considers our frailties and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding and finding in it self by great coniectures whether really she loue his Diuine Maiestie or no for in such as ariue once to this state our loue to him is not now a kind of dissembled or disguised loue as it vses sometimes to be in the beginnings but it is accompanied with so great impulses and euen impetuosities of desire to see Almightie God as I shall afterward declare or rather as I haue declared already and all things are wont to afflict all things to wearie tyre and all things doe euen torment her vnlesse it be only God or for God There is not so much as anie repose which doth not displease her because she findes her self absent from her true repose and so it falls-out to be very euident that things passe not heer in a dissembling way It hath hapned to me in former times that I found my self in great tribulations and I was subiect to manie detractions by occasion of a certaine busines whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward from all that House where I liue yea and from my Order and I was afflicted vpon manie accidents which occurred then at which time it pleased our Lord to vtter these expresse words to me Of vvhat art thou afrayd Dost thou not knovv that I am Omnipotent I vvill accomplish all that vvhich I haue promised thee And indeed he accomplished it afterwards very well But euen instantly there remained such a kind of strength in me that me thought I could presently haue put my self to aduenture vpon other things though they should cost me much more trouble for the doing him seruice and could haue suffered also much more for him And this verie self same thing hath hapned to me so often that I am not able to count the times and he hath made me and makes me still such reprehensions by occasion of those imperfections which I commit sometimes that they are able euen as it were to annihilate the Soule At least they bring so much in their company as that she is mended by them for his Diuine Maiestie as I haue sayd doth not only giue vs the counsaile but the remedie At other times he brings back to me the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life and this he most ordinarily vses to doe whensoeuer he intends to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour And he doth it in such sort that the Soule discernes her self as if she were really planted at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement and the truth is represented to her with such a kind of perspicuitie and claritie that she knowes not what to doe with her self At other times he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers concerning both my self and others about things which doe not happen till three or fowre yeares after but they all were euer fulfilled and some of them might also be named if there were cause So that there are so manie particulars whereby it may be vnderstood that these things are of Almightie God as that in my opinion they cannot but be knowne and acknowledged The most secure proceeding consists in that such a person doe not faile to impart her whole Soule to her Ghostlie Father and that he be a learned man and that she doe entirely obey him At least this is the course which I take and without this I could haue no rest nor were it indeed fitt that we woemen should haue anie since we haue no learning and there can be no hurt at all in this but manie aduantages and benefits as our Lord himself hath told me manie times I say manie times I had once a Ghostlie Father who mortifyed me very much and sometimes he did euen afflict me and brought me a great deale of trouble and disquieted me in extraordinarie manner and yet it was he who in my opinion did me the most good of them all And though I loued him very much yet I had some temptations to leaue him for it seemed to me that I was much preiudiced by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer But yet euer when I was determining to doe this I instantly vnderstood that I was to forbeare it and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord as defeated and as it were annihilated me more then all that which my Ghostlie Father could
this end some little poore good workes which I did if I did anie I became deuoted to some Saints to the end that by their meanes I might be deliuered from the Diuel I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes I recōmended my self to S Hilarion and to S. Michael also the Archangell for I had lately applyed my self to him for this purpose and I importuned also mame other Saints that our Lord might be pleased by their intercession to conduct me in the way of Truth I say that they would find some meanes to perfect this busines of mine with his Diuine Maiestie In fine after the end of two yeares which both I and other persons had wholy employed with all their prayers and mine in order to this end that our Lord might be pleased either to conduct my Soule by some other way or els vouchsafe to declare that this way wherein I went was right for now those VVords and Speeches which I haue related that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes were growne very ordinarie euen continuall that chanced and occurred to me which I will now declare As I was in Prayer one day and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter I saw standing very neer me or rather to say better mee thought I felt for indeed I saw nothing at all with the eyes either of my Bodie or of my Minde that Christ our Lord was close by me and I found in fine that it was he in my opinion who was speaking to me But now I who was extreamly ignorant till then that there might be anie such thing in the world as such a Vision fell at the first into a mightie feare and I could doe nothing but weepe though yet through his giuing me assurance by his speaking but one onlie word I found my self as I had formerly been not only without feare and very quiet but euen with Regalo and delight Me thought that Christ Iesus our Lord went euer close to me on one side but the Vision not being Imaginarie or represented in any Forme I perceiued not in what shape he was But as for his being euer on my right side I found and felt that very clearly and that he was the witnes of whatsoeuer I did and that I could not be recollected though it were neuer so little or rather indeed vnlesse I were much diuerted or distracted but I must needs in fine vnderstand that he was very neer me I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father being sufficiently vexed and greiued that I must let him know it He asked me what Forme or Figure he had when I saw him and I told him that I had not seen him Vpon this he enquired then how I knew that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered that I knew no more but that I could not possibly faile or forbeare to vnderstand and know that he was close to me and that I found and felt it plainly and that now the recollection of my Soule in Prayer of Quiet was farre greater and more continuall that the effects were very different from those others which I had formerly found and that the thing was very certaine and cleare For my part I could doe no more but bring diuerse Comparisons whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood but yet certainly in my opinion there is none which can suite very well to expresse this kind of Vision For as this is one of the highest kind as I was told afterwards by a certaine holie man and of great Spirit called Fray Pedro de Alcantara whome I shall mention afterward more at large and the same hath been also told me by other great learned men and that this is one of those Fauours where the Diuel can least intermeddle or intrude himself of all others so haue we heer no words or tearmes at all wherewith to declare it at least we who know so little though such as are learned will peraduēture be able to doe it better For when I say that I neither saw this with the eyes of the Bodie nor of the Minde because it was no Imaginarie Vision how come I to vnderstand and how can I vndertake and affirme more clearly certainly that Christ our Lord was standing neer me then if I had seen him with my verie eyes For it seemes indeed to be as if a person were in the darke who sees not another that stands by him or as if the same person were blind Some resemblance I say this carries though yet not very much For in this last case a man may come to know it by the way of seuerall Senses because he may heare the other speake or stirre or he may touch him But heer there is nothing of all this nor is there heer anie darknes at all but only the thing is represented to the Soule by a certaine notice which is more cleare then the Sunne I say not that anie Sunne is seen nor anie clearnes or brightnes at all but only a certaine light which illuminates and informes the Vnderstanding though yet without seing anie light to the end that the Soule may enioy so high a good Now this brings great benefits with it Yet is it not like such a Presence of God as manie times is felt in the Minde and especially by such persons as be ariued to Vnion and Quiet Prayer who in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer seem to find the person readie at hand to whome to speake and we seem to vnderstand that he heares vs by the effects and spirituall feelings which we find of great Loue and Faith and other firme purposes and resolutions accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions This is a great Fauour of Almightie God and let him esteem it much who hath it for it is a very eleuated and high Prayer but yet it is no Vision but heer it is vnderstood that Almightie God is there by the effects which as I haue sayd he workes in the Soule for in this manner of Prayer doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to giue hemself then and there to be felt But now heer it is clearly found that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin is present In that other manner of Prayer there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented but heer togeather with them we find that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord doth accompanie vs to doe vs fauour My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question VVho told you that it vvas Iesus Christ Himself told me so answered I and that manie times but yet euen before he told me so it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding that it was he yea and euen before this he told me so and yet still I saw him not If anie man whome I had neuer seen but only had heard newes of him should come to speake with me I being either blind or in the darke and should tell me who he were I should beleiue him and yet I could not so
resolutly affirme him to be that person as if I had seen him But yet now in this other case I could for heer there is imprinted so cleare a notice of him in the Minde without seeing him that it seemes a kind of impossibilitie to doubt it for our Lord will haue it so engrauen vpon the Vnderstanding that it can no more be questioned then euen that which we see no nor yet so much for in things which we see there remaines sometimes a suspicion whether we might not haue fancied such a thing and so mistaken it But heer though vpon the suddaine and as it were by way of surprise one may beginne to fall vpon a kind of suspicion or doubt yet still vpon the whole matter we remaine in so great a certaintie as that the doubt continues not to haue place And so also doth it fall out though yet in a different manner that God instructs the Soule speakes to it but yet without speaking at all in such sort as I haue already declared This is a certaine kind of language which hath so much of the Celestiall in it that it cannot well be giuen to be vnderstood by vs heer how much soeuer we may desire it vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to teach it by experience For our Blessed Lord conueyes and places that in the most interiour part of the Soule which he is pleased that the same Soule shall vnderstand and know and there doth he represent it without either anie image of his person or anie forme of words but only after the way of that kind of Vision which I haue already touched And now let this manner of Almightie God's making the Soule vnderstād what he will in the way of great Truths and mysteries be much obserued For manie times that which I vnderstand when our Lord declares anie Vision which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to represent to me is after this manner and me thinkes it is in such occasions as where the Diuel is least able to intermeddle or intrude himself for these reasons and if they be not found I am likelie enough to be deceiued Now this kind of Vision and language is so inwardly a thing of Spirit that heer there is no kind of springing or euen stirring in anie of the Powers of the Minde nor yet in anie of the Senses of the Bodie in my opinion by which meanes the Diuel may be able to make himself the gainer Thus I say it happens sometimes as namely when it lasts but a very little while For at some other times me thinkes that neither the Powers of the Minde are suspended nor yet the Senses of the Bodie disabled but that they are all at home and in vse The other happens not alwayes in this degree of Contemplation but rather very seldome I say that when they are so lost we neither operate anie thing nor doe anie thing but all seemes to be the worke of our Lord. It is as when a food is already conueyd into the stomack without either our hauing eaten it or so much as knowing who layd it there but only we vnderstand well that there it is though in that case it be neither knowne what the food is nor who carried it thither But heer it is very differet for here the food is knowne though yet how it got thither I cannot tell for neither did I see it nor vnderstand it nor was I euer moued to desire it nor had it euer come to my knowledge before that such a thing could possibly be In the Speech vpon which I touched before Almightie God makes the Vnderstanding obserue and reflect vpon that which is sayd whether it desire to vnderstand or no. For there it seemes that the Soule hath some other kind of eates wherewith to heare that he makes her harken and not the while to thinke of somewhat els as if one who could heare well were not suffered to stopp his eares and that they cryed out alowd to him who would therefore be faine to heare them whether he would or no but somewhat in fine he doth since he is attentiue to vnderstand what they say But heer the Soule doth inst nothing for euen that little which was done in the former way and which was only to harken is taken from her now for now she findes all dressed to her hand yea and all eaten by her too So that now there is nothing to be done by her but to enioy Iust so as anie one who without euer hauing learnt or so much as endeauoured to read and much more without anie studying at all should find that whole Science already possessed by himself and that without knowing at all either how or whence it came since he had neuer procured to acquire it with so much as learning his A. B. C. And this last Comparison me thinkes declares some part of this Celestiall guift for the Soule findes her self heer to be growne wise vpon a suddaine and that the Mysterie of the most Holie Trinitie and other most sublime Articles are so exactly declared to her that there is not anie Theologue or Diuine in the world with whome she might not aduenture to dispute concerning the truth of those high points The Soule remaines heer in such an amazement that some one such Fauour as this suffices to worke a totall change in her and to make her loue nothing but only him who without anie labour at all of hers hath made her capable of so vnspeakable blessings and to whome he communicates his secrets and whome he treats with arguments of so great and deare friendship and loue that they endure not so much as to be written For he doth some such kinds of Fauour as might euen bespeake a kind of suspicion and doubt in the hearer in regard that they are of so great admiration and haue been imparted to a person who hath deserued them so very ill And in fine if we bring not a very Liuelie and euen lusty Faith with vs they cannot be beleiued and therefore I resolue to speake of few of those which our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe me vnlesse I be expresly commanded and vnlesse it be of some few Visions which perhaps may ferue to doe good in some kind To the end that anie such persons as to whome our Lord may be pleased to impart the like may not wonder and thinke it impossible as I did or els that so I may declare the manner and way by which it hath pleased our Lord to conduct my Soule that being the verie thing which they haue commanded me to write Returning therefore now to this manner of vnderstanding these kinds of things me thinkes our Lord is pleased that by all meanes this Soule of ours should haue some notice heer euen of that which passes in Heauen and that as Soules doe there vnderstand one another really without speaking which for my part I neuer knew before and this is most certainly true till our
entirely be admitted to enjoy so high a Good This Vision though it be Imaginarie or representing it self by way of Mentall Image to the Imagination was neuer seen by me by these eyes of my Bodie nor indeed was anie other Vision that I euer had but only by the eyes of my Minde And they who know these things better then I affirme that the former Vision is of a higher more perfect kind then this and this also much more then those others which are seen by these eyes of Flesh and Bloud For these latter they say are of the lowest kind of all and wherein the Diuel is able to induce impose most Illusions though yet then I could not vnderstand any such matter but rather desired that when I was to receiue anie Fauour of that kind it might be so as that I might see it with my corporeall eyes to the end that my Ghostlie Father might no longer tell me that I did but fancie such things And so it hapned also to my self as soone as it was past but it was euen as it were but at the verie instant that euen my self also conceiued that I did but fancie it indeed and so I was a little troubled sometimes for haueing told my Ghostlie Father as I did as doubting whether I had not deceiued him And now this was the occasion of another lamentation of mine and so I went to him againe and told him of it Vpon this he asked me whether indeed I had thought so before and whether I had anie purpose to deceiue him As for me I told him what I held to be the truth I who forasmuch as I am able to vnderstand of my self had no minde at all to lye nor intended anie such matter as that nor would I for the whole world haue told him anie one thing for another Now this did he know very well and so he did his best to quiet me But I had so great auersion from going to giue him trouble with these things that I know not how the Diuel could make me for my greater torment conceiue that I had feigned in what I had sayd But our Lord made such hast to doe me a Fauour and to vnfold this truth to me that I grew quickly to be out of all doubt whether it were a thing of fancie or no and since that time I see my follie very clearly For though I should employ manie yeares in conceiuing how I might be able to figure a thing of so extreame beautie I should neuer haue either the power or the witt to doe it for it did farre exceed all that which can possibly be imagined in this world by the verie clearnes and brightnes thereof Nor yet is it anie such brightnes as dazles but a brightnes which is accompanied with a most sweet kind of beautie a brightnes I say there is infused which giues extreame delight to the sight and which is farre from wearying it nor doth the light thereof also offend whereby we see this obiect of so Diuine Beautie This I say is a light so very different from all that of this inferiour world that euen the brightnes of the Sunne it self which we see is so dimme and dull a thing in comparison of that claritie and light which is represented to our sight by this meanes that euen the eyes would searce open themselues to behold it For it is as if it were a most pure water running all vpon Christall with the Sunne reflecting vpon it and striking through it in comparison of some other which were of a muddie kind and in a clowdie day and which were running also vpon earth Not yet that there is anie Sunne represented in it nor is that Light like the Light of the Sunne for in fine this Light of the Vision seemes a very naturall Light whereas the other is but a kind of artificiall thing in comparison thereof This is a Light which neuer sets but as it is euer Light so is there nothing which can disturbe it but in fine it is a thing of such a kind as that how sublime soeuer the vnderstanding of anie Creature might be he would neuer in all the dayes of his life be able to conceiue rightly what kind of thing it were And it pleases Almightie God to set it before vs so very speedily that we cannot open our eyes so soone if that were needfull for the seeing it but it helpes vs indeed no more in this case to haue them open then shut For whensoeuer our Lord is pleased we see it euen whether we will or no. Not is there anie distraction in the world which may be able to diuert vs from it nor is there anie power which can resist it nor is there also on the other side anie manner of care and diligence which may suffice to procure it and I haue had good experience of this as I shall find a fitt time to declare But that which I would faine relate now is the manner how our Blessed Lord is pleased to shew himself by these Visions I say not that I will declare in what sort this so strong a light may be able to conuey it self into the inward sense and to imprint so exact and cleare an Image vpon the Vnderstanding as to make it directly seem to be very there for this point belongs to such as are learned and our Lord hath not been pleased to giue me to comprehend the manner of it and in myself I am so very ignorant and of so grosse an Vnderstanding that howsoeuer men haue endeauoured much to declare it to me I haue not yet been able to conceaue the way and manner of it And this is very certaine that howsoeuer it may seem to your Reuerence that my Vnderstanding is liuelie and quick yet there is really no such thing and I haue found what I am about to say to be true by the experience of manie particulars that namely it embraces and comprehends no more then iust that verie thing vpon which they will haue it feed Yea and sometimes he who was my Confessarius would be euen amazed at my ignorances in manie kinds and he neuer made me vnderstand nor did I indeed desire to know how Almightie God did this or how this could be nor did I aske him about it Though yet as I haue sayd I treated manie yeares with men of great learning to know whether this or that were a Sinne or no for in this I was not wanting but as for the rest I then had no need to stand thinking of more then that Almightie God was the Authour of all and I saw that I was now not to wonder at aniething but only to consider how manie reasons I had to praise him Nay the things which carried difficultie with them did breed deuotion in me and the more difficultie the more deuotion But I will therefore now declare that which I am come to vnderstand by experience namely how our Blessed Lord doth
and I would also be very glad to see him and to thinke of him and to consider the good parts which I found in him and this was so preiudiciall a thing that it did my Soule a great deale of hurt But when once I was come to behold the great Beautie of our Blessed Lord I saw no Creature after that which might seeme passable in comparison of him nor who was able to take-vp my thought for one minute For by casting the eye of my consideration vpon that Image or Picture of him which is engrauen in my Soule I haue remained with so much Libertie of Minde in this respect that euerie thing which I haue seen since that time makes me readie almost to cast the gorge in comparison of the excellencies and ayre and grace which I discerned to abound in this Lord of mine Nor is there anie knowledge or comfort which I can at all esteem in comparison of that which growes by the hearing of one single word which proceeds out of that Diuine mouth of his and much more when I haue heard so manie and so often from him Nay I hold it to be a kind of impossible thing vnlesse our Lord should permit it in respect of my Sinnes that euer I can loose the memorie of this blessing or that anie Creature can euer so possesse me as that I shall not instantly be free by recouering the remembrance of this Lord. It hapned to me sometimes with some Ghostlie Fathers of mine for I alwaies loue them much who gouerne my Soule in regard that I take them truly as in the place of Almightie God himself and me thinkes it is euer there where I employ my affection most that esteeming my self to be in securitie with them I would be apt to shew them extraordinary ciuilityes whereas they on the other side as being great Seruants of Almightie God would be not only carefull but fearefull least I should fasten or tye my self too much to them though it should be in a most innocent manner and they would shew themselues euen to be displeased at it Now this grew in me after I had made my self subiect to be be directed and euen commanded by them for before I did not beare them so much loue But the while I confesse I would be laughing sometimes within my self to consider how extreamly they were deceaued though yet I would not alwaies be telling them so clearly how little I vsed to tye myself to anie Creature as I was sure of it in myself But yet I gaue them certaintie enough of it and when once they were growne to be more inward and more confident with me they came to know how particularly I was obliged to our Blessed Lord in that kind But these suspitions which they had of me were neuer wont to occurr but in the beginnings Besides there grew to be both more loue and more confidence between this Lord of mine and me after I had seen him as one with whome I was come to haue a kind of continuall conuersation I saw that though he were God he was also Man and that he did not wonder at our weaknes for he well knowes our miserable condition and composition which is subiect to take Falls of so manie kindes by that first Sinne of Adam which he was come to repaire Nay I see that although he be my Lord I may yet treat with him as with a Freind because he is not such a kind of Lord as we are wont to meet with in this world who pinne all the Lordlynesses which they haue vpon a certaine kind of changeable and remoueable demonstrations and who must giue but particular and set dayes for Audience and so the persons whome they will heare must be appointed and named And if perhaps anie poore Creature haue a busines there must be vse of labour and fauour and a walking in By-Wayes before it can be euer negotiated or concluded And if perhaps they haue anie thing to doe with the King himself alas poore folkes for they who touch not vpon the Caualier or great man must not so much as presume to approach but be content to aske who the Fauorites are And now they will certainly not fall out to be such as vse to tread the world vnder their feet because such persons as these are wont to speake reall truths for they neither feare anie thing nor owe anie thing nor in fine are anie part of the Pallace For there these things are not vsed but to dissemble whatsoeuer they dislike nay they scarce dare so much as thinke for feare least they should grow by it into lesse fauour O King of Glorie and Lord of all the Kings of this world how true is it that thy Kingdome is not guarded by Sticks and strawes since in it self it hath no end How true is it that there is no need of third persons to introduce vs to Audience with thee For by our verie seing thy selfe we instantly see withall that thou only dost indeed deserue to be called Lord So great is the Maiestie which thou shewest Nor is there heer anie need at all of Assembles and Guards in Court whereby thou maist be knowne to be King Whereas if anie Earthlie King were left alone he would hardly be knowne to be King and how much soeuer himself might desire it yet the people would haue difficultie to beleiue it For in himself he is no more then others are and therefore we must either see him so adorned and attended first or els we shall hardly belieiue afterward that he is the King And he hath therefore so much more reason to serue himself of these externall aduantages and helps for els they would not hold him in account because his seeming to be so powerfull depends not vpon the inward and innate dignitie of his Person but his State is deriued to him from others But O thou my Lord and my King that I were able now to represent that Maiestie which thou hast For it is impossible to forbeare to see that thou art the great Emperour of the whole world in thy self and that thy Maistie doth euen astonish the beholders But yet it puts me to more amazement O my Lord to see in companie thereof the great humilitie and loue which thou bearest to such a wretched Creature as my self For we may euer speake and treat with thee about all things euen as we will our selues when once we shall haue lost that first amazement and feare to see the Maiestie of thy Presence though yet then we shall haue more feare to offend thee then to see thee yea and yet euen that not so much for being O Lord afrayd of thy punishment for we doe not esteem that at all as in respect of the miserie which it is to loose thy verie self Behold heer the benefits of this Vision besides manie other great ones which it leaues in the Soule And if it be of Almightie God it makes it self be vnderstood by
the effects whensoeuer the Soule hath Light for manie times as I haue sayd our Lord is pleased that it should remaine in darknes and not see this Light and therefore it is not so strange a busines which so wicked a Creature as my self may come to see On the other side it is but euen now that it hath hapned to me to be eight dayes in such a case as that I seemed neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God not yet anie memorie of his Fauours but only that my Soule was euen halfe besotted and estranged and employed vpon I know not what nor how Not yet vpon anie ill thoughts but I was so very vntoward in respect of good ones that I did euen as it were laugh at my self and tooke a kind of gust to see the great basenes of a Soule whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working in it But she yet vnderstands very well that she is not without possessing him euen in this State for it is not as I haue formerly sayd as it vses to be in our great afflictions but though we bring wood thither and doe also all that verie little which we are able to doe on our part there is yet no such thing in the world as the kindling at that time of anie fire of the loue of our Lord in our harts And it is no small mercie of his that we can so much as find that there is anie smoake for at least we know thereby that she is not dead and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe afterward But then this Soule of ours though we breake our verie heads in blowing and wearie our selues also otherwise in ordering and composing the wood seemes to be in such a condition as that euerie thing serues to choake vs the more And so I thinke the best of our case to be then to render our selues wholy vp and to know that we are able to doe nothing of our selues and then to apply our endeauours to the doing of some externall meritorious things Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased to take Prayer from vs at that time to the end that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions and so vnderstand at length by good experience how little she was able to doe of her self But now I haue this verie day regaled my Soule with our Lord and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie euen against himself to this effect How comes it to passe O my God that it seemes not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I resolue to endure it all for thy sake and that I content my self to be where all is vexation and trouble and that I may not so much as enioy euen thee but that I must also eat and sleepe and dispatch businesse and treat with euerie Creature according to the occasion and that I suffer all this for the loue of thee And now O my Lord thou knowest that this is an extreame torment to my hart and that yet in those few little moments of time which remaine to me for the enioying thee thou yet art pleased to hide thy self after this manner from me And how can this be compatible with thy mercie and how can the loue thou bearest me permit it I beleiue O my deare Lord that if it were a possible thing for me to hide my self from thee as thou dost thy self from me I thinke I say and I beleiue so much of the loue thou bearest me as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands But thou art still with me and euer seest in what case I am Yet permit not longer O my Lord that this kind of course be held but I humbly beseech thee to consider that it is a kind of wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loues thee so much This and the like hath occurred to me to say though yet I considered first how that place which had been prouided for me in Hell was appointed me after a kind of fauourable way in comparison of what I had deserued But yet sometimes the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord is so very extrauagant that I scarce can tell what I doe and then with all the little vnderstanding I haue I make such cōplaints as these and our Lord endures them all at my hands and therefore let so good a King as this be euer praised But now might we perhaps be able to approach anie King of this world with such audacities as these And yet I wonder not much that we may not presume to talke after this manner to our Earthly Kings whome we haue so much reason to feare yea or euen to such great Lords as are the superiour parts of the State For now we find the world so changed that our verie liues should be longer then now they are to the end that we might haue time enough to learne the Punto's and new customes and fashions of good Manners of the world if there be anie meaning withall that we should also haue anie time to spend in the Seruice of Almightie God For my part I euen blesse my self to see what happens for the truth is that euen already I scarce knew how to liue in the world when I came to this place For now it passes I can assure you for no ieast whensoeuer there is any little omission to treat men euen with much more Stile and ceremonie then they deserue but they doe really so take it for an affront that you must forsooth interpret your intention and professe your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying anie omission yea and I pray God that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you But in the meane time I returne to affirme that really I did not know how to liue so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule For she sees that on the one side they command her to employ her whole thought vpon God and that it is necessarie for her to doe so to the end that she may be deliuered from manie dangers and on the other side she also finds that it concernes her not to loose a Punto euen in the Puntilio's of this world vpon the price of not chanceing to minister occasion of giuing temptation and trouble to them who place their Honour in these Punto's For as for me they tired me euen outright and I could neuer be at an end of making satisfactions for it was neuer in my power how much soeuer I endeauoured it to forbeare the making manie faults in this kind which as I sayd are not held to be little in the account of the world And it is true that in Religious Orders which in all reason should be excused and discharged in such kinds as these there is really a very true discharge Not yet that they affirme that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court for good breeding and to know what belongs to good Manners
the Rectour of the Societie of IESVS whome I mentioned before I haue seen some things concerning great Fauours which our Lord did him but I will not insert them heer for feare of being too long There hapned a great trouble to him once for he was persecuted and found himself greatly afflicted and I hearing Masse one day saw Christ our Lord vpon the Crosse iust then when the Preist eleuated the Sacred Hoast and he spoke certaine words to me wherewith I was to acquaint him for his comfort and others also he spoke by way of preuention of some future inconuenience which might ariue and he represented also to him how much himself had suffered for his sake and that therefore he should prepare himself to suffer And this gaue him both much comfort and much courage and all hapned to him iust so as our Blessed Lord had foretold Of the Religious of a certaine Order yea and of that whole Order togeather I haue seen great things For I haue seen them sometimes in Heauen with white Banners in their hands I haue seen as I was saying other things of great admiration And accordingly I haue this Order in much veneration for I haue treated and communicated with them much and I see that their life is agreable to that which our Blessed Lord hath giuen me to vnderstand concerning them I being one night in Prayer our Lord beganne to vtter some words to me which brought me to remember how wicked my life had been and they gaue me confusion and paine enough for although they imported not anie rigour yet they endued me with such a tender kind of feeling and greif that the Soule was euen dissolued by it And we vse in such cases to find more benefit in the way of knowing out selues by some one such word as these then we are able to acquire in manie dayes by our owne consideration of our miserie for it brings such a truth to be euē ingrauē in our Soule as we cannot possibly denye He represented to me also those inclinations of mine which I had formerly entertained towards Creatures with so much vanitie and told me that I was to put a great value vpon the desire which he had that I would lodge all my affectiō vpon him which formerly I had employed so ill since he would accept thereof At other times he bad me remember that formerly I had sometimes esteemed it for a point of honour in me to goe against his Honour And yet at other times that I should remember how much I owed him for that I vsed to commit the greatest offences against him whilst he vsed to be doing me Fauours If I haue anie faults which are not few our Lord giues them so to be vnderstood by me at those times that it makes me euen as it were annihilate my self and because I haue manie faults he vses me so manie times It hapned to me once that a Ghostile Father reprehended me and when I thought to comfort my self in Prayer it was there that I found indeed my true reprehension But now to returne to that which I was saying when our Lord beganne to bring my wicked life to my remembrance which cost me a world of teares and when I also considered that I had done no good thing lately which might euen in my opinion deserue his Fauour I beganne to consider a while whether he might not perhaps intend some new expression of goodnes to me because whensoeuer I find my self receaue anie particular Fauour from our Lord it is ordinarily after I haue euen defeated and annihilated my self And I conceaue that our Lord proceeds thus with me to the end that I may see the more clearly how farre I am out of the way of deserueing his Fauours Shortly after this my Spirit was so absorpt and snatcht away that in effect it seemed to be absolutly out of my Bodie at least it was not vnderstood that it liued in it And then I saw the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord in much more excessiue glorie then euer I had discerned before Now this was represented to me by a certaine admirable and cleare notice of his being placed in the verie bosome of his Father Nor yet doe I know what to say of how this was for it seemed to me that I saw my self present before that verie Diuinitie and yet without seing my self and I remained so amazed and euerie way indeed in such sort that I thinke there passed some dayes before I was able to returne to my self For still I was conceauing that I had the Maiestie of the Sonne of God present with me though it were not yet like the former for this I vnderstood well enough But how soeuer it remained so engrauen in my Imagination that I cannot be ridd of it how short soeuer the time were wherein it was represented to me and this is matter both of great comfort and of great benefit to my Soule Now I haue seen this verie Vision at three other times and this in my opinion is absolutly the most sublime Vision which euer our Blessed Lord gaue me and it brings the greatest improuement and profit with it For it seemes that the Soule is greatly purifyed by it and that it doth vtterly take away all strength from the sensualitie of our Self-Loue It is a vehement flame which seems to burne vp and euen annihilate all the desires of this life And since God be blessed for it I had already no inclination to idle and impertinent things it was heer declared to me in distinct manner that all was vanitie and in particular how vaine all the Superiorities and Signories of this world be And it falls out also to be of mightie instruction for the raising-vp of our desires to be lodged vpon the puritie of Truth and there remaines a high kind of adoration and reuerence of God imprinted after a certaine manner which I know not how to describe but it is of a very different kind from whatsoeuer we can acquire in this world It creates also a huge amazement in the Soule to consider how she euer durst or how anie creature can presume so farre as to thinke of offending such a Supreame Maiestie of Almighty God I haue declared sometimes heertofore the effects of Visions and such other things but I haue also sayd already that a Soule receaues more or lesse profit according to the proportion and manner of the Vision as the same may be either more or lesse But in this it was extraordinarily great when I came to receaue the Blessed Sacrament and I did then record to my self that incomparable Maiestie which I had seen and vnderstood to be the verie same which is in this most Holie Sacrament And manie times our Lord is pleased to let me see him in the Sacred Hoast where vpon the verie haire of my head would stand on end and me thought I was euen annihilated outtight O my deare Lord and if thou didst
there And now by meanes of this consideration my Soule beganne to be so much more inflamed that my Spirit grew to be in Rapt and so as that I know not how to expresse it For me thought I was put and plunged into that Maiestie which I had formerly vnderstood but yet so as that I know not how to declare it In this Maiestie a certaine Truth was giuen me to be vnderstood which indeed is the accomplishment of all Truth but yet still I know not how to relate it For I saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me these words though yet I saw not who spake them only I knew that it was the verie Truth This vvhich I doe for thee is no small matter but rather it is a thing for vvhich thou ovvest me much because one of the mischeifs vvhich grovves to the vvorld proceeds from not knovving the Truths of Scripture vvith cleare truth but one tittle thereof shall not faile Now as for me I conceaued that my self had alwaies beleiued this yea and that all Catholiques had also beleiued it But then he sayd to me againe Alas my Daughter there be fevv vvho loue me according to Truth for if they did I vvould not conceale my secrets from them But dost thou knovv vvhat it is to loue me according to Truth It is to knovv that all is a Lye vvhich is not acceptable to me Thou shalt be able to see this clearly vvhich novv thou dost not vnderstand by the profit vvhich thy Soule shall get And so accordingly I haue seen it performed our Lord be euer praised for it For all things which are not addressed to the seruice of Almightie God doe of late seem to me so hugely to be vanitie and a lye that I am no way able to expresse how much I vnderstand thereof And it moues me to deep compassion to see men liue in so great obscuritie and ignorance as they are in of thy Truth but by this meanes I haue benefited my self in manie kindes whereof I will heer relate some and some I shall not be able to relate But our Lord sayd one word to me heer in particular with very great fauour though I know not also how this was For I saw nothing but I remained in such sort after it as I know not also how to declare euen that Only I am sure I remained by this meanes with a very great kind of fortitude and firme purpose of accomplishing euen the least part of Holie Scripture with the vttermost of all my power And nothing me thinkes could offer it self to me through which I would not passe for the making this good There remained also a truth of this Diuine Truth which was now represented to me though yet still I know not how so deeply engrauen in my hart that it made me carrie a new kind of profound reuerence to Almightie God For it imparts a notice of his high Maiestie and great Power after such a manner as cannot be described but I can only vnderstand that it is a mightie kind of thing I now remained also with a very great desire neuer to speake at all but of things which were substantially true and which might iustly take precedence of all that which vses to be treated of in this world And so I then began to find it paine enough euen to liue in it This Vision left me with a Regalo of great tendernes and with humilitie also It seemed to me that our Blessed Lord did giue me to vnderstand much in this vision though yet without my vnderstanding the manner of it but at least I was satisfyed well enough that it was no Illusion I saw nothing but yet I vnderstood the great benefit which there is in not making account of anie thing which brings vs not neerer to Almightie God and so I came to vnderstand what kind of thing it is for a Soule to walke in Truth in the presence of the same Truth That which I vnderstood is that our Lord gaue me to vnderstand That he is verie Truth it self And all these things at which I haue now pointed heer I vnderstood sometimes by their being spoken to me and at other times without speech but yet some of this latter sort with more clearnes then those others which were imparted to me by words I vnderstood very great truths of this Truth and better then if manie learned men had taught me and at least it seemes to me that they could by no meanes haue so imprinted them in my minde nor so clearly haue giuen me to vnderstand the vanitie of this world This Truth which I say was giuen me to be vnderstood is verie Truth in it self and it is both without beginning and without end and all other Truths depend vpon this Truth and all other Loues vpon this Loue and all other Greatnesses vpon this Greatnes though yet all this be deliuered by me with much obscuritie in comparison of that clearnes wherewith our Blessed Lord was pleased to impart it And how very well doth this become the great power of that Maiestie to leaue such things as these imprinted vpon the Soule whereby such aduantages are obtained and that in so short a time O Greatnes and Maiestie of my Omnipotent Lord What is it which thou art doing Consider who it is to whome thou art vouchsafing such Soueraigne Fauours Dost thou not remember how this Soule hath been a verie Abysse of Lyes and euen a deep Sea of vanities and all this through faults of mine owne For notwithstanding that thou gauest me an inclination which naturally did abhorre lying yet I made my self apt to treat in manie things after a deceiptfull kind of manner How art thou able O my God euen to endure me and how can so great goodnes of thine be shewed to one who hath so ill deserued it and how can so much Sinne against thee be compatible with such Fauours as these Being once reciting the Howers of the Diuine Office with all the rest of the Religious my Soule beganne to be suddainly recollected and it seemed to me that it was like some cleare and pure Looking-Glasse without hauing anie thing either on the back or on the sides or yet either aboue or below which was not all extreamly cleare And in the very Center thereof Christ our Lord was represented to me iust so as I am accustomed to see him It seemed to me that I saw him clearly in all the parts and portions of my Soule as in a Looking-Glasse and so also though I know not how our Blessed Lord himself was engrauen therein with such a certaine kind of enamoured communion or communication of himself as I cannot possibly expresse Only I know that this Vision hath been of very great benefit to me and is so whensoeuer I remember it and especially after I receaue the B. Sacrament But it was giuen me heerby to vnderstand that the being of a Soule in Mortall Sinne is to make this Glasse be couered
I had to conuerse with them But our Lord did euer counsaile me in all things yea so farre as euen to tell me how I should carrie my self towards weake persons and some others also and he neuer layes the care of me aside But I am much troubled to find that I am good for so little in his Seruice as also that I can doe the lesse through my spending more time then I wiâ—h vpon so weake and wasted a bodie as mine is As I was once in Prayer and the hower of our going to rest came on I found my self in a great deale of paine and knowing that my ordinarie Vomits would ariue and obserueing my self to be so tyed-vp to these cares and the Spirit on the other side desiting to haue some time for it self I grew to be euen so tired that I beganne to be greatly afflicted and to weepe much and that happens very often to me And this condition puts me to such a kind of anger that me thinkes I doe in those times euen abhorre my self though yet it be true withall that I doe not abhorre my self indeed nor yet am wanting in what is necessarie for me and I rather pray God that I take not more care of my self then I should and so I feare I doe But now whilst I was in this greif our Lord appeared to me and regaled me very much and told me that I must endure these troubles and goe-through with them for loue of him and That my Life vvas necessarie yet And so me thinkes I neuer see my self in anie very great paine which I value since I resolued to serue this Lord and Comforter of mine with all my power For though he permitted me to suffer a little yet would he still be assisting me so withall that I esteem not my selfe to doe much in desiring to suffer afflictions for his sake So that now me thinkes there is no reason why we should euen desire so much as to liue but only to the end that we might suffer and accordingly this is the thing which I begg with most affection of Almightie God And sometimes I am saying to him with my whole hart O Lord let me either suffer or dye for I begg no other thing of thee for my self And now it vses to comfort me to heare the Clock strike for so me thinkes I am growne a little neerer to the seeing of God though it be but a little because one hower more of my life is past At other times I find my self in such sort that I neither take much pleasure in liuing nor yet me thinkes haue anie great minde to dye and so in the meane time I remaine with a kind of stupiditie and darknes of minde in all things and manie times I also haue some troubles And since our Lord was pleased that those Fauours should be publiquely knowne which his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to shew me as he himself had told me some yeares agoe that they should be which gaue me vexation enough and it is not a little that I haue endured therein as your Reuerence knowes for euerie bodie will vnderstand things as he listes I comfort my self yet with this that it hath not ariued by my fault because I neuer spake of anie such thing but either to my Ghostlie Fathers or others who I knew euen by them had vnderstood thereof For of this I was very warie euen to extremitie though yet perhaps I abstained not so much for respect of humilitie as in regard that I had paine enough to tell euen my Ghostlie Father thereof and therefore how much lesse would I impart things of this nature to others But now I earnestly desire that Almightie God may receaue glorie by it howsoeuer there be some who murmure at me very much vpon this occasion though euen yet I thinke they may peraduenture doe it with good zeale And there are others who are afrayd euen to treat with me in anie kind yea and euen to receaue the Confession of my Sinnes and others say also other things But how soeuer since I vnderstand that it hath pleased our Blessed Lord to reduce manie Soules by this meanes and because I see clearly and remember continually how much himself would be pleased to endure for the gaining of one Soule I allow my self to take little trouble for anie thing which men can say of me And I know not whether or no this may not haue been a part of the cause why his Diuine Maiestie hath placed me in this little Corner of the world where I am so shut vp and where I thought there would be no more memorie of me then of a thing which was dead But their forgerfulnes was not so great as I wished and so I haue been constrained to speake sometimes with some persons Yet howsoeuer I am not now where the world may easily see me for it seemes that our Lord hath been pleased to driue me from Sea to this Port and I trust in his Diuine Maiestie that it will proue a very safe one for me And since now I am out of the world and find my self in the companie of few but they holie Creatures I looke downe vpon the world as from a place which is very high and so it is growne to be of little moment with me what they below doe either say or thinke And I would make much more account to vnderstand that anie one Soule should haue profited to the weight of one little graine in God's Seruice by my meanes then of all which can be sayd of me in anie kind For since I haue found my self in this place our Lord hath been gratiously pleased that all the desires of my hart might haue no other ayme but this And he hath also giuen me euen a kind of sleep in this life which makes me find that whatsoeuer I see is but dreaming nor am I able to say that I reape either much contentment or trouble by anie thing of this world And if yet some things giue me anie it passes away with so very great speed that I euen wonder at it and it makes but iust such a kind of impression vpon me as a thing would doe whereof I had dreamt And it is a most perfect truth that although I should afterward haue a peice of a minde either to be glad of anie contentment or to be sorrie for anie mis-accident and trouble it is really no more now in my power but iust so as anie man who were discreet would take either trouble or ioy from a dreame of his owne For now our Blessed Lord hath already been pleased to awake and open the eyes of my Soule from out of that follie wherein it was And whereas by my not being mortifyed nor dead to the things of this world I was wont to haue much feeling of such things as hapned his Diuine Maiestie is pleased now that I should loose my true sight no more In this sort Sir doe I liue now and I