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truth_n world_n write_v writer_n 110 3 7.7093 4 false
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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A20067 A knights coniuring Done in earnest: discouered in iest. By Thomas Dekker. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632.; Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632. Newes from hell. 1607 (1607) STC 6508; ESTC S105253 40,572 82

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Monsieur Malefico Mary to all the wryting Schoole-maisters of the towne he tooke them by the fists and lik'de their handes exceedingly for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands and co●ld counterfeit any thing but perceiuing by the copies of their countenances that for all their good letters they writ abominable bad English that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce if there came false Orthographi● from him though ●here be no truth in his budget away hee gallops from those tell-tales the Schoolmaisters damning himselfe to the pit of Hell if any scribling petition wryter should euer get a good word at his hands I hearing this and fearing that the poore Suppliant should loose his longing and be sent away with Sinihilattuleris resolued to doe that for nothing which a number would not for any mony I sell to my ●ooles pen ink and paper roundlie but the Headward●n of the Horners Signior Beco Dia●olo after hee had cast vp what lay in his stomack suspecting that I came rather as a spie to betraye him then as a spirit to runne of his errands and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall there to Anatomize him then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately would by no meanes haue the answere go forward Notwithstanding hauing examined him vpon Interrogatories and thereby sifting him to the very bran I swore by Hellicon which hee could neuer abide that beca●●e t' is out of fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage be should spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone be a Diuell in print Inraged at which he flu●g away in a furie and leapt into Barathrum whil'st I mustred all my wits about mee to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crewe and discouer ●is Stratagems CHAP. II. Don Luciser● acquaintance soone is got At London or at Westminster where not Hells Map is drawne In which it does appeare Where Hell does lye and who they are liue there WOnder is the daughter of Ignorance none bu●●ooles will maruell how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babilon came to be to familiar together or how we met or howe I knewe where to find him or what Charmes I carried about mee whil'st I talkt with him or where if one had occasion to vse his Diuellsh●p a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger Tush these are silly inquisitions his acquaintance is more cheape then a common Fidlers his lodging is more knowne then an English bawdes a midwiues or a phisitions and his walkes more open to all Nations thē those vpon the Exchange where at euery step a man is put in mind of Babell there is such a confusion of languages For in the Terme time my Cauailiero Cornuto runs sweating vp downe between Temple barre Westminster hall in the habite of a knight Errant a swearing knight or a knight of the Poste All the Vacation you may either meet him at the Dycing Ordinaryes like a Captaine at Cockpits like a young countrey Gentleman or else at Bowling-Alleys in a flat cap like a shopkeeper euery market day you may take him in Cheap ●side poorely attyrde like an Ingrosser and in the afternoones in the two peny● roomes of a Play-house like a Puny seated Check by Iowle with a Punke In the heate of Sommer hee commonlie turnes Intelligencer and carries tales betweene the Arch-duke and the Graue In the depth of Winter hee sits tipling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garrison Hauing therefore as Chamber-maides vse to doe for their Ladies faces ouer night make ready my cullors the pencell being in my hand my Carde lined my Needle that capers ouer two and thirty pointes of the Compas toucht to the quicke East West North and Sout● the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde that neuer blowe themselues out of breath like foure dropsie Dutch Captaines standing Cent●nells in their quarters I will ingenuously and boldely giue you the Map of a country that lyes lower then the 17. valleys of Be●gia yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newe castle is farre more darke farre more dreadfull and fuller of knauerie then the Colliers of those fire-workes are The name of this straunge Countrey is Hell In disouery of which the Quality of the kingdom the condition of the Prince the estate of the people the Traffique thither marie no transporting of goods from thence shall be painted to the life It is an Empire that lyes vnder the Torria Zone and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas then t' is in Spaine or France which are counted plaguy hotte Countreyes at Midsommer or in England when the Dogge-daies bite sorest for to saie truth because t' is sinne to belye t'i●s● Dinell the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vppon Stoues and Hotte-houses you cannot set loote into it but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers the bone-fires that are kept there neuer goe out insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broyld like Carbonadoes with the sweatting sicknes but the best is or rather the worst none of them die on 't And such dangerous hot shortes are all the women there that whosoeuer meddles with anie of them is sure to be burnt It stands farther off then the Indies yet to see the wonderfull power of Nauigation if you haue but a side-winde you may ●aile sooner thither than a married man can vpon St Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen from St Katherins which vpon sound experience and ●y the opinion of many good Marriners may be done in lesse than haife an hower If you trauell by land to it the wayes a●e de●icate euen spatious and very faire but toward the end● very fowle the pathes are beaten more ba●e then the liuing of Church-men Y●u neuer turne when you are trauelling thither but keepe altogether on the left hand so that you cannot lose your selfe vnlesse you desperately doe it of purpose The miles are not halfe so long as those betweene Colchester Ipswich in England nor a quarter so durty in the wrath of Winter as your Fren●● miles are at the fall of the leafe Some say it is an Iland embrac'de about with certaine Riuers called the waters of Sorrowe Others proue by infallible Demonstration that t' is a Continent but so little beholding to Heauen that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them Howe so euer it be this is certaine that t' is exceeding rich for all Vsurers both Iewes and Christians after they haue made away their Soules for money here meete with them there againe You haue of all Trades of all Professions of all States some there you haue Popes there aswell as here Lords there as well as here Knights there as well as here Aldermen there as well as here Ladies there as well as here Lawyers there as wel as here Souldiers marche there by myllions so doe Citizens so doe Farmers very fewe Poets can be suffered to liue there the Colonell of Coniurers