haveing heard her a great while with silence at last answer'd I prithee sweat heart do not talk so much to me of the Devil surely he will never do me any hurt for I percieve I have married his kins-woman The Emperour Severus had lain a long time sick of the gout one of his nobles told him that he much wondred that he could rule so vast an Empire being often so indispos'd so lame and unweldie you need not wonder replied the Emperour the empire I rule with my brain not with my feet A Persian Embassador shewed a Captain many wounds that he had recieved in wars against the Turk afterward the Captain told him that his lordships skin after his death if 't were to be sold would not yield so much mony as that of a meaner person why so said the Embassadour because replied he it has so many holes in it A certain Historiographer tells a strange story of one Hans Boobikin the son of a rich Boor or countrie-man in Holland his father haveing furnish'd him with mony and put him in an equippage fit to visit handsom ladies in sent him abroad a fryering or wooing but Hans not being accustomed to such gallantries and not knowing where to go els went to his grand-mothers house where he fell a courting and feasting of her At his return his father ask'd him where he had been he answer'd at his grandmothers God's sacrament replied the Boor I hope thou hast not lain with my mother yes said Boobikin why should not I lie with your mother as well as you lie with mine 1. Two Gentlemen being drinking in a Tavern chanced so to fall out that from words they proceeded to blows whereupon soon after ensued a suit of Law The main witness to prove what was done was the Vintners boy who being sub-poena'd and sworn at the day of tryal began to tell his tale in this sort My Lord said he I live at the sign of the St. Pauls head my name is John and by reason I draw to Gentlemen of the best wine they have given me the appellation of honest so that I am now commonly called Honest John My Lord seeing him so impertinent in his preface called to him and bid him speak to the matter for that was quite besides it I 'll warrant you said John you shall find it to the purpose presently and thereupon proceeded My Lord these two Gentlemen came in there to drink the one of them his name is Mr. B. the other Mr. F. it was about three of the clock in the afternoon and we had newly risen from dinner we had to dinner that day a piece of boild powder'd beef and butter'd turnips and part of a roasted brest of mutton cold I could not eat very much of it by reason I had gotten a cold with sitting up late two or three nights before My Lord hearing him flie out thus again in his impertinences bid him speak more home to the matter or els hold his tongue My Lord said John I was sworn to speak the truth and all the truth and I am resolved to do it and so went on These two Gentlemen asked for a room and I shewed them up into the green chamber it was two stories high upon the left hand as soon as you are up two pair of stairs Honest John said my Lord if thou art so called trouble us not with these impertinences but come to the matter I am about it quoth John and so proceeds As soon as they were in the room they said unto me now honest John bring us up a pint of the best Canary which I did it was of the furthermost pipe but one in all our cellar and we had no better wine in all the house it cost my master four and twenty pound the pipe as I was going up the stairs my master called to me and asked me whether I was carrying up that pint of wine and I told him to the two Gentlemen John said my Lord that is not the question I asked you but what passed between these two Gentlemen I shall tell you quoth John presently When I had carried them up the wine and that they had tasted of it they told me that I was as good as my word and that it was of the best Canary But said my Lord what is this to the purpose Yes said John it is to the purpose and if your Lordship pleases to come thither at any time I shall draw ye of the same wine and then you will say that honest Iohns words were true indeed My Lord seeing no good to be done with Iohn bid them set him aside which Iohn took in very great dudgeon professing he had spoken nothing but the truth neither durst he speak any thing but what was true his master bidding him before he came to have a special care of what he said After some other witnesses being examined the Councel on the Plantiffs side began to speak in the name of his client as the usual custom is saying My Lord we came into this tavern with a peaceable intention only to drink a pint of wine with that Gentleman where we were by him abused beaten and misused and put in danger of our life Iohn hearing him to say so could forbear no longer but stepping up said My Lord that fellow with the Coife there tells a most damnable lie for he says he was beaten and misused in our house when I can justifie that he never was in our house in all his life 2. A rich Farmer dying intestate his son came upto London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate but being unacquainted with the customs belonging to the spiritual Courts he went first to a friend of his telling him That his Father died detested leaving only him and two young infidels and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Concealor of the law that he might thereby deminish the Estate 3. A Gentleman lodging in a strange Inn haveing store of money in his pockets put his breeches under his bolster when he went to bed to secure them but the next morning haveing gotten a pretty dose over night he had quite forgotten where he had bestowed them and haveing fruitlesly searched a prettie while despairing of finding them he called for the chamberlain asking him if he knew what was become of them Sir said the chamberlain are you sure that you brought any in with you Why quoth the Gentleman do you think that I came without breeches Sir said he if you are sure that you brought them with you you had best search your pockets and I question not but you will find them there 4. One haveing read a very pithie learned and wittie dedication before a flat dull foolish book he very much admired and said how they should come to be so match'd together In truth said another they may very well be match'd together for I protest they are nothing of kin 5. A Countrie man in
Embassador a verie tall person upon no other errand but a complement to the King of England at his audience he appeard in such a light garb that afterwards the king ask'd lord keeper Bacon what he thought of the French Embassador he answer'd that he was a verie proper man I his Majestie replied but what think you of his head-piece is he a proper man for the office of an Embassador Sir return'd he it appears too often that tall men are like high houses of four or five stories wherein commonlie the uppermost room is worst furnished A famous Chymist with his associats had long attended upon his art but could find no hope of profit upon which they had recourss to the devil and enquired of him if they rightly proceeded and whether they should attain their desired end the devil returns his answer in this one word travaillez which is labour this word so encouraged them that they went on and blowed the bellows at that rate that they transmuted all they had in to nothing so at last thc chief chymist told them that the word labour signified that they should lay aside Alchymie and betake themselvs to som honest art of employment and that it appear'd the part of men purely maz'd and mad to fancy the making of gold in such a small space of time since nature it self is wont to spend more than a thousand years about it In time of war a certain Prince being very vigilant would on horss-back himself go the rounds one night upon a suddain a souldier met him who being fudl'd immediatly laid hold on the bridle of his horse and ask'd the price of him for at present he said he wanted an horse the Prince percieving in what condition he was in caus'd him to be taken into an house and put to bed in the morning the Prince sent for him and ask'd him what he would give for his horse Sir said the recover'd souldier the merchant that would have bought him yester night went away betimes this morning A young Gentleman lay sick of a feavor his physician came to visit him and met at his lodging a beautifull lady suspected by bim going away as he entred he sate down by him and feeling his puls Sir said the Patient my feavor has newly left me I find it so Sir said he and I suppose I met it going out at the door just as I came in One ask'd a noble Sea-captain why haveing means sufficient to live upon the land he would yet endanger his person upon the ocean he told him that he had a natural inclination to it and therefore nothing could divert him I pray said the other where did your father die at sea said the captain and where your grand-father at sea too said he why then said the other are not you afraid to go to sea before I answer you said the Captain I pray tell me where died your father my father said he died in his bed and where your grand-father in his bed too said he and are not you then said the Captain afraid to go to bed A Souldier in Ireland having got his pass-port to go for England as he went through a wood with a knap-sack on his back being weary he sate down and fell to some victuals upon a suddain he was surprised with two or three wolves who coming towards him he threw them scraps of bread and cheess so long till all was don then the wolves coming nearer to him he knew not what shift to make he took a pair of bag-pipes which he had with him and so soon as he began to play away ran the wolves as if they had bin scared out of their wits a pox take you all said he if I had known that you had loved musick so well you should have had it before dinner I have read of a Physician of Millan who cured mad men and to that end had a pit of water in his house in which he kept his Patients some up to the knees some to the girdle some to the chin pro moda insaniae as they were more or less affected one of them that was well recovered stood by chance at the door and seeing a Galant riding with an hawk on his fist well mounted with his spaniels after him would needs know to what use all this preparation served he made answer to kill certain fowl the patient demanded again what his fowl might be worth which he kill'd in a year he replied five or ten crowns with that the patient with great earnestness bid him begon immediatly as he loved his life for said he if our master take thee here he will set thee in the pit up to the very chin I can see your pride through your thred-bare torn coat said Antisthenes to Socrates A Person speaking of the nice distinctions of the schools and the wonderfull subtleties of some in searching into the most mysterious truths said that all their curious inquiries prov'd at last like the contentions of Protegenes and Apelles who should draw the smallest line who after two or three essais left this monument of their art that they had drawn lines so curious that they were scarcely to be discern'd A Servitour carrying up a dish of tongues into a colledg hall just as he came to the table his foot slipt down fell dish tongues and mustard one much more concern'd than the others at the table call'd him blunder-buss and ask'd him whether he wanted eyes Sir I beg your pardon said the servitour any one might have had the like mischance you may be sure I did it not willingly lapsus linguae non est error mentis A very clownish Fellow being met in a very gaudy suit one said of him that he look'd like a wooden spoon in a sack posset A Lady who had never been at sea said surely sailers must be a very devout sort of people being allways so near danger yes said one that was more used to their society their devotions rise and fall with the waves That was an un-luckie Seaman that in a storm endevour'd to secure nothiug but the brandie-bottle and the first thing he offer'd to throw over board was his wife alledging he knew no heavier burden than she nor any thing that made him so light as the bottle he secured There was a discourss at a colledge table concerning the Marriage of Priests a Doctour who had a face sufficiently red was pleas'd to maintain only for discourss-sake that Priests-marriage was not so allowable as some might think it at last it came to this that he who argued on the contrary said that those words of St. Paul were sufficiently plain and therefore impossible rationally to be contradicted namely that 't is better to marrie than to burn but how shall a man know when one burns said the Doctor I 'll tell you said one who had been silent all the while by his face A young Gentleman the next day after marriage of a Lady sufficiently
than any discription The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty and simplicity in his Mercer and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in whom he concluded to be left without Garments now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House and there search for this Noble-man and if found to bring him instantly to Court sans all excuse of going any where else This Lord fearing some such design thought any delay dangerous in staying cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer and as an assistance to his disguise he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up which belong'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants who knowing him by his Countenance told him in few words what his Majesty had commanded them and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty he seeing there was no avoiding it went not without great disorder in his thoughts with the Officers The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress fell into such a Laughter that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence The King having laught his sides sore had at last leisure to say how now Cozen whence came you the Nobleman who was very facetious presently replyed from Hell I think an 't please your Majesty for I came from a bottomless pit Indeed said the King by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere You are in the right Sir said the Lord for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil and laid his Damm in short I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth a Friend of mine was in a high Fever and wanted a cooling Clyster and would have Noe one to administer it but my self I pittying her condition in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing and in railery checkt him saying indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband for the time to come forbear such practices if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already for see there a Mercer chang'd into a Lord and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer and so dismist them allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants IT is customary among the Nobility and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies Now there was a Lord shall be at present nameless who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France yet he must forsooth follow the humour of the Countrey now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely consort rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt making no noise and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly she knowing his custome gave him admittance now besides the Mode he had another reason as he said to approve thereof because it lookt so like whoring Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose One of this Lord 's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts Upon a serious consultation with himself he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design in which his Master had visited his Lady about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes All I shall say is That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often that when he went from her he left her all wonder and amazement and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment his Lady begg'd him to forbear urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires what said she Could not you my Lord since you find so great an alteration be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions but that you must again expose your body to the injury of the cold in so short a time again and coming a third time in less than two hours Nay nay sweet-heart this is but twice you wrong me indeed said he To which she replyed That she was not mistaken for assuredly it was so often Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants but kept all close from his Lady for she was a vertuous Gentlewoman to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce Having laid a while in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could he got up and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male servants Chambers that were about him making along as he went a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed for it seems this Lady was well sented There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition becanse besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow but he could not tell which Bed he lay in by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day he took out of his Pocket