i_o but_o i_o regard_v it_o not_o which_o be_v afterward_o a_o veay_n great_a grief_n to_o i_o for_o i_o can_v not_o endure_v to_o be_v curb_v nor_o keep_v in_o but_o at_o length_n to_o avoid_v the_o continual_a reproof_n which_o he_o just_o give_v i_o for_o my_o ill_a course_n and_o company_n i_o resolve_v not_o to_o stay_v at_o home_o any_o long_o but_o to_o go_v into_o flanders_n according_o i_o put_v out_o to_o sea_n but_o by_o storm_n and_o contrary_a wind_n be_v drive_v back_o again_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o see_v the_o hand_n of_o god_n in_o this_o but_o still_o hold_v on_o my_o purpose_n and_o take_v the_o first_o opportunity_n to_o get_v away_o out_o of_o ireland_n into_o england_n where_o my_o friend_n use_v many_o argument_n to_o persuade_v i_o to_o return_v home_o again_o whilst_o i_o continue_v in_o england_n i_o begin_v to_o be_v convince_v by_o hear_v several_a good_a man_n of_o the_o heinousness_n of_o my_o sin_n and_o wicked_a disobedience_n and_o be_v thereupon_o sad_o afflict_v and_o disconsolate_a so_o that_o i_o can_v have_v no_o quiet_a nor_o rest_n in_o this_o time_n my_o father_n hear_v where_o i_o be_v not_o know_v before_o what_o be_v become_v of_o i_o doubt_v i_o may_v be_v dead_a or_o drown_v write_v a_o letter_n to_o i_o wherein_o i_o be_v admonish_v to_o beware_v of_o such_o as_o run_v headlong_o to_o perdition_n with_o many_o other_o good_a advice_n he_o seem_v like_o old_a jacob_n to_o rejoice_v that_o his_o son_n be_v yet_o alive_a etc._n etc._n all_o these_o thing_n strike_v i_o heavy_o to_o the_o heart_n so_o that_o i_o lie_v long_o under_o the_o fearful_a sentence_n of_o my_o iniquity_n and_o disobedience_n and_o can_v receive_v no_o comfort_n nor_o satisfaction_n i_o conceal_v this_o my_o inward_a grief_n and_o torment_n till_o my_o heart_n be_v ready_a to_o burst_v but_o at_o length_n acquaint_v my_o friend_n therewith_o who_o endeavour_v to_o comfort_v i_o and_o i_o have_v some_o quiet_n for_o a_o short_a space_n but_o this_o last_v not_o so_o that_o i_o soon_o fall_v again_o into_o my_o old_a malady_n and_o trouble_n as_o before_o be_v so_o exceed_o disturb_v that_o i_o can_v by_o no_o mean_n obtain_v any_o peace_n till_o that_o scripture_n come_v into_o my_o mind_n isa_n 50.10_o he_o that_o sit_v in_o darkness_n and_o see_v no_o light_n shall_v trust_v in_o the_o name_n of_o the_o lord_n and_o stay_v himself_o upon_o his_o god_n this_o do_v much_o support_v and_o encourage_v i_o to_o depend_v upon_o god_n whereby_o i_o have_v abundance_n of_o consolation_n yet_o i_o be_v seldom_o free_a from_o many_o temptation_n fear_n and_o doubt_n and_o such_o sometime_o as_o do_v much_o disquiet_v i_o until_o once_o that_o i_o have_v a_o divine_a dream_n which_o have_v be_v very_o sweet_a to_o my_o soul_n even_o since_o for_o in_o my_o dream_n i_o think_v i_o be_v tell_v that_o god_n love_n be_v free_a in_o jesus_n christ_n and_o bestow_v upon_o poor_a sinner_n through_o his_o merit_n and_o that_o he_o put_v none_o by_o neither_o turn_v any_o away_o that_o come_v to_o he_o in_o and_o through_o his_o dear_a son_n and_o that_o i_o need_v not_o fear_v but_o i_o be_v one_o of_o they_o that_o shall_v be_v accept_v and_o receive_v to_o mercy_n this_o bring_v much_o joy_n to_o my_o heart_n and_o the_o sense_n of_o it_o remain_v to_o this_o very_a day_n afterward_o i_o go_v to_o new-england_n and_o have_v much_o comfort_n from_o they_o and_o from_o their_o minister_n and_o since_o my_o return_n i_o have_v have_v great_a peace_n of_o mind_n and_o desire_v to_o live_v in_o union_n with_o christ_n and_o communion_n with_o his_o servant_n as_o long_o as_o i_o be_o upon_o earth_n and_o i_o have_v ground_v hope_n of_o live_v with_o he_o when_o i_o die_v and_o with_o all_o his_o saint_n to_o enjoy_v his_o blissful_a presence_n to_o eternal_a age_n r._n w._n iii_o experience_n of_o maj._n a._n m._n i_o be_v well_o educate_v by_o my_o parent_n who_o be_v account_v puritan_n till_o about_o sixteen_o year_n of_o age_n after_o which_o i_o be_v put_v a_o apprentice_n to_o london_n but_o ill_a company_n draw_v i_o away_o and_o i_o take_v ill_a course_n till_o i_o be_v about_o 24_o year_n old_a then_o i_o come_v into_o ireland_n in_o the_o begin_n of_o the_o rebellion_n 1641._o and_o travel_v towards_o the_o north_n pass_v through_o great_a danger_n and_o many_o death_n as_o i_o may_v say_v for_o there_o my_o father_n be_v kill_v my_o wife_n wound_v and_o i_o myself_o with_o much_o difficulty_n escape_v from_o the_o bloody_a rebel_n after_o this_o i_o be_v in_o the_o fight_n at_o drogheda_n oâ—_n tredah_n when_o it_o be_v take_v and_o be_v lay_v in_o the_o field_n of_o battle_n among_o the_o slay_a i_o be_v give_v over_o for_o one_o of_o the_o dead_a but_o it_o please_v god_n that_o i_o recover_v and_o then_o go_v into_o england_n i_o have_v not_o be_v there_o long_o but_o i_o begin_v to_o look_v about_o i_o and_o to_o have_v some_o conviction_n of_o mind_n and_o thereupon_o i_o be_v diligent_a to_o follow_v the_o mean_n and_o hear_v the_o word_n of_o god_n preach_v by_o good_a man_n be_v sensible_a of_o my_o sin_n and_o former_a forgetfulness_n of_o god_n or_o any_o thing_n that_o be_v good_a i_o hear_v one_o mr._n owen_n with_o who_o i_o be_v much_o affect_v and_o convince_v of_o my_o misery_n in_o the_o want_n of_o christ_n and_o afterward_o receive_v great_a comfort_n and_o assure_v hope_n of_o salvation_n from_o mr._n r._n and_o now_o i_o do_v very_o believe_v i_o have_v fellowship_n with_o the_o father_n and_o with_o his_o son_n jesus_n christ_n and_o find_v a_o wonderful_a change_n in_o my_o soul_n abhor_v all_o ill_a company_n and_o course_n and_o desire_v to_o walk_v in_o all_o well_o please_v towards_o god_n and_o though_o i_o meet_v with_o many_o temptation_n yet_o i_o bless_v the_o lord_n he_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o his_o good_a way_n so_o that_o i_o can_v now_o pray_v to_o he_o by_o the_o assistance_n of_o his_o spirit_n and_o have_v a_o earnest_a love_n to_o his_o word_n and_o ordinance_n bless_v be_v god_n for_o his_o free_a grace_n in_o christ_n jesus_n who_o before_o i_o have_v any_o knowledge_n of_o he_o speak_v to_o my_o heart_n by_o the_o mean_n of_o a_o honest_a man_n about_o thirteen_o year_n ago_o after_o which_o i_o follow_v all_o the_o mean_n i_o can_v meet_v with_o and_o be_v wont_a to_o hear_v mr._n cradock_n and_o mr._n symson_n in_o london_n the_o first_o of_o who_o in_o a_o sermon_n upon_o isaiah_n we_o be_v i_o i_o be_o a_o unclean_a creature_n etc._n etc._n speak_v so_o home_o to_o my_o condition_n that_o i_o imagine_v his_o discourse_n be_v direct_v to_o i_o particular_o this_o so_o wrought_v upon_o my_o conscience_n that_o i_o be_v extreme_o afflict_v for_o a_o time_n and_o give_v myself_o much_o to_o prayer_n and_o at_o length_n i_o become_v in_o love_n with_o truth_n and_o true_a christian_n and_o have_v find_v and_o do_v yet_o find_v those_o thing_n true_a in_o i_o which_o be_v speak_v by_o mr._n n._n of_o that_o oneness_n of_o love_n and_o unity_n of_o the_o spirit_n which_o ought_v to_o be_v among_o all_o god_n people_n i_o have_v see_v my_o sad_a condition_n by_o nature_n and_o be_o sensible_a of_o the_o happy_a change_n that_o the_o grace_n of_o god_n have_v make_v in_o i_o and_o now_o oh_o how_o do_v i_o love_v the_o way_n of_o god_n and_o holiness_n and_o duty_n and_o mean_n of_o grace_n and_o the_o thing_n of_o god_n which_o before_o i_o slight_v disregard_v and_o loathe_v and_o last_o i_o now_o desire_n and_o long_o after_o jesus_n christ_n and_o care_v not_o how_o soon_o i_o be_v take_v out_o of_o this_o sinful_a world_n that_o i_o may_v live_v with_o he_o in_o eternal_a glory_n a._n m._n iu_o experience_n of_o f._n b._n my_o experience_n of_o the_o mercy_n and_o love_n of_o god_n be_v more_o than_o i_o can_v express_v the_o first_o main_a work_n upon_o my_o spirit_n be_v on_o a_o sudden_a upon_o a_o alarm_n give_v to_o our_o troop_n while_o i_o be_v a_o soldier_n which_o have_v such_o a_o convince_a effect_n upon_o i_o that_o i_o lie_v long_o under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o god_n wrath_n and_o be_v much_o disquiet_v so_o that_o though_o i_o pray_v and_o pray_v yet_o i_o can_v take_v no_o comfort_n and_o have_v no_o confidence_n in_o the_o mercy_n of_o god_n but_o confusion_n be_v before_o my_o face_n afterward_o i_o come_v to_o dublin_n where_o i_o be_v impeach_v for_o break_v a_o article_n of_o war_n and_o be_v condemn_v to_o lose_v my_o life_n for_o the_o same_o whilst_o i_o be_v in_o prison_n i_o have_v dreadful_a apprehension_n of_o hell_n in_o my_o soul_n and_o can_v
walk_v upright_o that_o see_v the_o wonderful_a work_n of_o god_n and_o have_v the_o use_n of_o his_o sense_n and_o reason_n shall_v use_v they_o to_o the_o defy_v of_o his_o creator_n but_o though_o this_o be_v a_o good_a beginning_n towards_o my_o conversion_n to_o find_v my_o conscience_n touch_v for_o my_o sin_n yet_o it_o go_v off_o again_o yet_o all_o my_o life_n long_o i_o have_v a_o secret_a value_n and_o reverence_n for_o a_o honest_a man_n and_o love_a morality_n in_o other_o but_o i_o have_v form_v a_o odd_a scheme_n of_o religion_n to_o myself_o which_o will_v solve_v all_o that_o god_n or_o conscience_n may_v force_v upon_o i_o yet_o i_o be_v not_o ever_o well_o reconcile_v to_o the_o business_n of_o religion_n nor_o have_v that_o reverence_n for_o the_o gospel_n as_o i_o ought_v to_o have_v this_o estate_n of_o mind_n continue_v till_o the_o 53._o chapter_n of_o isaiah_n be_v read_v to_o he_o wherein_o there_o be_v a_o lively_a description_n of_o the_o suffering_n of_o our_o saviour_n and_o the_o benefit_n thereof_o and_o some_o other_o portion_n of_o scripture_n by_o the_o power_n and_o efficacy_n of_o which_o word_n assist_v by_o his_o holy_a spirit_n god_n so_o wrought_v upon_o his_o heart_n that_o he_o declare_v that_o the_o mystery_n of_o the_o passion_n appear_v so_o clear_a and_o plain_a to_o he_o as_o ever_o any_o thing_n do_v that_o be_v represent_v in_o a_o glass_n so_o that_o the_o joy_n and_o admiration_n which_o possess_v his_o soul_n upon_o the_o read_n of_o god_n word_n to_o he_o be_v remarkable_a to_o all_o about_o he_o and_o he_o have_v so_o much_o delight_n in_o his_o testimony_n that_o he_o beg_v his_o mother_n and_o lady_n to_o read_v the_o same_o to_o he_o frequent_o and_o be_v unsatisfied_a notwithstanding_o his_o great_a pain_n and_o weakness_n till_o he_o have_v learn_v especial_o the_o 53._o chapter_n of_o isaiah_n with_o out_o book_n compare_v this_o prophecy_n with_o the_o passion_n of_o christ_n in_o the_o evangelist_n and_o observe_v that_o it_o be_v clear_o foretell_v by_o the_o prophet_n some_o hundred_o of_o year_n before_o it_o be_v accomplish_v and_o this_o consideration_n have_v such_o mighty_a influence_n upon_o his_o soul_n and_o strengthen_v his_o faith_n that_o afterward_o he_o never_o have_v the_o least_o doubt_n about_o the_o certainty_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o eternal_a salvation_n by_o jesus_n christ_n he_o say_v the_o in_o the_o first_o verse_n of_o that_o chapter_n the_o prophet_n declare_v what_o great_a opposition_n the_o doctrine_n of_o christ_n crucify_a will_v meet_v with_o in_o the_o world_n from_o such_o obstinate_a sinner_n as_o he_o be_v who_o have_v believe_v our_o report_n and_o to_o who_o be_v the_o arm_n of_o the_o lord_n reveal_v and_o that_o the_o lowliness_n of_o his_o condition_n and_o person_n upon_o earth_n will_v cause_v weak_a and_o inconsider_v man_n to_o undervalue_v he_o because_o he_o do_v not_o appear_v with_o the_o vain_a splendour_n &_o pomp_n wherein_o they_o be_v please_v this_o he_o say_v be_v plain_o predict_v in_o the_o second_o verse_n he_o have_v no_o form_n of_o comeliness_n and_o when_o we_o shall_v see_v he_o there_o be_v no_o beauty_n that_o we_o shall_v desire_v he_o at_o the_o same_o time_n discourse_v of_o the_o manner_n of_o his_o youth_n up_o which_o all_o man_n know_v be_v too_o too_o much_o devote_v to_o the_o service_n of_o sin_n and_o that_o the_o lust_n of_o the_o flesh_n of_o the_o eye_n and_o the_o pride_n of_o life_n have_v captivate_v he_o he_o be_v very_o large_a and_o particular_a in_o his_o acknowledgement_n about_o it_o and_o more_o ready_a to_o accuse_v himself_o than_o any_o other_o can_v be_v public_o cry_v out_o o_o bless_v god_n can_v such_o a_o horrid_a creature_n as_o i_o be_o be_v accept_v by_o thou_o who_o have_v deny_v thy_o be_v and_o contemn_v thy_o power_n can_v there_o be_v pardon_n and_o mercy_n for_o i_o will_v god_n own_o such_o a_o wretch_n as_o i_o be_o shall_v the_o unspeakable_a joy_n of_o heaven_n be_v confer_v upon_o i_o o_o mighty_a saviour_n never_o but_o through_o thy_o infinite_a love_n and_o satisfaction_n o_o never_o but_o by_o the_o purchase_n of_o thy_o blood_n add_v that_o withal_o abhorrency_n he_o do_v reflect_v upon_o his_o former_a course_n of_o life_n that_o sincere_o and_o from_o his_o heart_n he_o do_v repent_v of_o all_o that_o folly_n and_o madness_n which_o he_o have_v commit_v he_o have_v a_o true_a and_o lively_a sense_n of_o god_n great_a mercy_n to_o he_o in_o strike_v his_o hard_a heart_n and_o lay_v his_o conscience_n open_a which_o hitherto_o have_v be_v deaf_a to_o all_o god_n call_n and_o method_n say_v if_o that_o god_n who_o die_v for_o great_a as_o well_o as_o lesser_a sinner_n do_v not_o speedy_o apply_v his_o infinite_a merit_n to_o his_o poor_a soul_n his_o wound_n be_v such_o as_o no_o man_n can_v conceive_v or_o bear_v cry_v out_o that_o he_o be_v the_o vile_a wretch_n and_o dog_n that_o the_o sun_n shine_v upon_o or_o the_o earth_n bear_v that_o now_o he_o see_v his_o error_n in_o not_o live_v up_o to_o that_o reason_n which_o god_n have_v endue_v he_o with_o and_o which_o he_o have_v unworthy_o vilify_v and_o centemn_v wish_v that_o he_o have_v be_v a_o starve_a leper_n crawl_v in_o a_o ditch_n that_o he_o have_v be_v a_o link_n boy_n or_o a_o beggar_n or_o for_o his_o whole_a life-time_n confine_v to_o a_o dungeon_n rather_o than_o thus_o to_o have_v sin_v against_o his_o god_n his_o faith_n be_v remarkable_a in_o a_o hearty_a embrace_v and_o pious_a confession_n of_o all_o the_o article_n of_o the_o christian_a religion_n and_o all_o the_o divine_a mystery_n of_o the_o gospel_n say_v that_o the_o absurd_a and_o foolish_a philosophy_n which_o the_o world_n so_o much_o admire_v propogated_a by_o the_o late_a mr._n hobbs_n and_o other_o have_v undo_v he_o and_o many_o more_o of_o the_o best_a part_n in_o the_o nation_n who_o without_o god_n great_a mercy_n may_v never_o it_o may_v be_v attain_v to_o such_o a_o serious_a repentance_n as_o he_o be_v he_o faithful_o adhere_v to_o and_o cast_v himself_o entire_o upon_o the_o mercy_n of_o jesus_n christ_n and_o the_o free_a grace_n of_o god_n declare_v to_o repent_v sinner_n through_o he_o with_o a_o thankful_a remembrance_n of_o his_o life_n death_n and_o resurrection_n beg_v of_o god_n to_o strengthen_v his_o faith_n and_o often_o cry_v out_o lord_n i_o believe_v help_v thou_o my_o unbelief_n he_o have_v a_o mighty_a love_n for_o and_o esteem_v of_o the_o holy_a scripture_n which_o he_o have_v former_o too_o much_o slight_v and_o ridicule_v take_v up_o resolution_n to_o read_v they_o frequent_o and_o meditate_v upon_o they_o if_o god_n shall_v spare_v he_o have_v already_o taste_v the_o good_a word_n for_o have_v speak_v to_o his_o heart_n he_o acknowledge_v all_o the_o seem_a absurdity_n and_o contradiction_n thereof_o fancy_v by_o man_n of_o corrupt_a and_o reprobate_a judgement_n be_v vanish_v and_o their_o excellency_n and_o beauty_n appear_v be_v come_v to_o receive_v the_o truth_n in_o the_o love_n of_o it_o he_o be_v extraordinary_a servant_n and_o frequent_a in_o his_o prayer_n and_o supplication_n and_o often_o call_v upon_o other_o to_o pray_v for_o and_o with_o he_o or_o to_o read_v the_o scripture_n to_o he_o and_o towards_o the_o end_n of_o his_o sickness_n will_v hearty_o desire_v god_n to_o pardon_v his_o infirmity_n if_o he_o shall_v not_o be_v so_o wakeful_a &_o intent_n through_o the_o duty_n as_o he_o wish_v to_o be_v and_o that_o though_o the_o flesh_n be_v weak_a yet_o the_o spirit_n be_v willing_a and_o hope_v god_n will_v accept_v that_o he_o continual_o beseech_v god_n by_o his_o grace_n and_o holy_a spirit_n to_o sustain_v he_o and_o to_o keep_v he_o from_o all_o evil_a thought_n from_o all_o temptation_n and_o diabolical_a suggestion_n and_o every_o thing_n that_o may_v be_v prejudicial_a to_o that_o religious_a temper_n of_o mind_n which_o god_n have_v now_o so_o happy_o endue_v he_o 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hearty_o concern_v for_o the_o pious_a education_n of_o his_o child_n wish_v that_o his_o son_n may_v never_o be_v a_o wit_n that_o be_v say_v he_o that_o he_o may_v never_o be_v one_o of_o those_o wretched_a creature_n who_o pride_n themselves_o in_o abuse_v god_n and_o religion_n deny_v his_o be_v or_o his_o providence_n but_o that_o he_o may_v become_v a_o honest_a and_o a_o religious_a man_n which_o can_v only_o be_v the_o support_n and_o blessing_n of_o his_o family_n complain_v what_o a_o vicious_a and_o naughty_a world_n his_o child_n be_v bring_v into_o and_o that_o no_o fortune_n or_o honour_n be_v comparable_a to_o the_o love_n and_o favour_n of_o god_n to_o they_o in_o who_o name_n he_o bless_v they_o pray_v for_o they_o and_o commit_v they_o to_o his_o protection_n he_o have_v one_o son_n and_o three_o daughter_n and_o once_o call_v they_o all_o before_o he_o he_o say_v to_o a_o gentleman_n then_o present_a that_o he_o may_v there_o observe_v how_o good_a the_o almighty_a 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name_n of_o god_n and_o as_o they_o regard_v the_o welfare_n of_o their_o immortal_a soul_n no_o more_o to_o deny_v his_o be_v or_o his_o providence_n or_o despise_v his_o goodness_n no_o more_o to_o make_v a_o mock_n of_o sin_n or_o contemn_v the_o pure_a and_o excellent_a religion_n of_o my_o ever_o bless_a redeemer_n through_o who_o merit_n alone_o i_o one_o of_o the_o great_a of_o sinner_n do_v yet_o hope_v for_o mercy_n and_o forgiveness_n amen_n j._n rochester_n declare_v and_o sign_v june_n 19_o 1680._o in_o the_o presence_n of_o ann_n rochester_n robert_n parson_n he_o enjoy_v a_o steady_a temper_n of_o mind_n through_o the_o whole_a course_n of_o his_o sickness_n and_o repentance_n which_o must_v needs_o proceed_v not_o from_o a_o