without any Knowledg in me of your Design says he which was that by true Knowledg he might bring me to you I loved and valued him but not as a Teacher of Truth for I despaired of finding any such in your Church Secondly Besides that general Prejudice he nourisht he misrepresented to himself the particular Tenets of the Church and then hated and reviled the ugly Idol of his own carving If ever saith he my Soul lifted up and moved her self towards the Catholic Faith I was soon driven back for alas Catholic Faith was not that which I took it to be Thirdly He was willing to be convinced but not to believe to see but not to submit his Understanding to Faith He sought a clear Evidence and such as should not controul his usual Apprehension or oppose his Senses as if they had been fit Judges of the Objects of Faith revealed Truths My sick Soul says he could not be cured but by Believing Valetudo animae meae quae utique nisi credendo sanari non poterat ne falsa crederet sanari recusabat c. Conf. l. 6. c. 1. and for fear of being surprized and made to believe what might be false I refused to admit of a Cure I was resolved either to see things or if I could not to conceive them as evidently as that Seven and Three make up Ten. It was on these his Three mistaken Methods that he reflected afterwards when sighing he said What am I Quid sum ego mihi sine te nisi dux in praeceps quis homo est quilibet homo cum sit homo Conf. l. 1. c. 4. to my self but a Guide leading into a Precipice What a sad Man is each Man when he is but one Man That is when he is left to his own Private Sense abandoned to his own Judgment Was it possible that Gods Grace had it been less than Omnipotent should prevail against these stubborn Ill-dispositions of his Mind Long was the Combat violent the Strife but Grace conquered at last and by this Method gained the Field First God by a particular Light convinced him That L 7. conf c. 5. Religion was not Opinion but Faith not a calling of things Divine to the Test of our weak Judgment and carnal Senses but a captivating of our Understanding and humbly sacrificing it to the Divine Truth Next he observed how numerable those things were which he believed though he had never seen them How he had ever adored God and owned his Providence though he knew not what a Kind of Substance he was nor what Way led unto or from him I thought on these Things says he and you were present to me I was carried away by restless Waves and you governed and steered my Course I sighed and you heard me Then he resolves to seek more narrowly Let Time be assigned says he let some Hours be allotted Ibidem c. 11. to the Study of that great Science How I shall save my Soul. Let all Vain and Empty Concerns perish and all my Thoughts and Endeavors be spent in the sole Pursuit of Truth this Life at best is but Toylsome and Miserable Death certain and at Hand if it surprizes whither do we go He presently applyed himself seriously to an humble Search after a Guide to Truth when favoured with a new Light from Heaven he cryes out Conceive better Hopes my Soul the Catholic Faith doth not teach what we Believe and fondly accused her of Thus disposed and weighing with a due Attention the Articles of the Catholic Belief he owns his Heart was filled with Joy and his Face covered with Shame to see how profanely he had strove so many Years not against Catholic Faith as he conceived but against his own Dreams how Rash he had been and equally Impious That whereas he should with Submission have learnt from the â—o quippe temerarius impius fueram quod ea quae debebam quaerenda discere accusando dixeram l. 6. Conf. Church that which she held he fastened on her what he pleased and accused her of it He reads next Holy Scripture with the due deference he owed to that Churches Interpretation owning there is no Text of Scripture into which a false Gloss may not Foist an Error that the Letter ever kills when severed from the Spirit Nulla scriptura est quae non apud illos qui cam non intelligunt possit reprehendi l. 1. de gen contra Manich. which ought to quicken that the very misapplying a Text otherwise truly Interpreted is the most dangerous Weapon that a tempting Devil could use to deceive even if possible Truth it self with an It is written that stubbornly to maintain our own Fancy to be the Word of God because we uphold it by a forced Text is to set up the greatest Abomination of Desolation in the House of God an Idol upon his Altar and to adore it by the worst of Idolatries self-Self-worship proudly challenging as our own what Christ only could bequeath and left to his Church to each Member as united to the whole the Spirit of Truth who alone must Interpret what he Dictated alone On which score Christ left as a Depositum in the same Hands of the Church the Letter and the Spirit the Book and the Sense the Word and the Truth to be delivered to all succeeding Ages by the same Authority because the separating of the one from the other would Neque enim natae sunt haereses nisi dum scripturae bonae intelliguntur non bene quod in â—is non bene Intelligitur etiam temeré audacter asseritur Tract 18. in Jo. turn the most wholsom Food of our Souls to present Poison whence Heresies have had their birth from good Scriptures ill understood and from the bold and rash asserting of such Errors So that this only is the holy Method to be followed that what we find in Scripture conformable with the Faith we have received we feed on it but when any part thereof appears not uniform with that Rule that it create in us no Doubts but only an humble Quod secundum sanam sidei regulam intelligere non poterimus dubitationem aâ—feramus intelligentiam disseramus Ibid. persuasion that we understand not yet such a Scripture He had scarce receiv'd this Light when behold all his Doubts raised before by the same Lecture disappeared all those seeming Contradictions vanished whence he was perfectly convinced that the Catholic Church was the unerring Guide to be followed by all the Disciples of Christ He expresses the difference of this present Submission from that former Search into Scripture without this Guide under the Comparison of two Travellers whereof Aliud est de silvestri cacumine videre patâ—iam pacis iter ad cam non invenire frustra conâ—ri per invia aliud viam tenere illuc ducentem cura coelestis imperatoris munitam Conf. l. 8. c. 1. of the one climbs up
Heresie and Vice. The haughty Perverseness of his Understanding swell'd up with the proud Conceit of his own Parts opposed it self to Gods Grace offering the Light of a true Faith Worldly Interest and the Corruption of his Heart swayed by vicious Inclinations withstood the same Grace offering the true Comforts of Vertue and Piety Grace conquered at last joyned with his Free-will and so possest the whole Soul of Augustin that he continued an even Course of Vertue the rest of his Life by being Faithful to the conquering Grace he had yielded himself unto These two Victories of Gods Grace bringing Augustin's Understanding and Heart to a due Submission and constant Fidelity whereby he hath a just Claim to my Text are the two Points of this Discourse and of Your Royal Majesties most gracious Attention That true Religion or the Worship which God requires at our Hand is sufficiently Joâ—â— 1. revealed to all Mankind by him who is the Light that enlightens each Man that comes into this World that the true Churches Voice which all are bound to hearken Matt. 16 18. unto and obey may easily be heard and distinguished that the House of God in which alone those Sacraments are dispensed which convey to us a plentiful Redemption and work together with us our Salvation is like a City seated on a Hill exposed to the View of all that the Way which God hath markt us out to walk in towards Heaven is easily found out and followed so that Fools shall not go astray in it Psaâ— 35. and consequently is discernible by its Infallible Security are Truths which Faith teaches us and even Reason evinces to any who shall acknowledg in God a Providence and a merciful Goodness How then befalls it that so many wander in Darkness though surrounded by that Light fail to hear this Churches Voice miss to see this City err in finding this way But how could this happen to an Augustin so that for Twenty Years he should persevere in an Heresie the most wicked and senseless that ever infected Mankind Some you will say are strangely dull especially in the Concerns of Piety True but as the learned Scientiam Augustino coelum dedit super omnes homines c. Avicen Fecisse naturam extremum effectum sine potentiae dum Augustinianum creavit ingenium Alb. mag Confess l. 4. c. 16. World hath ever owned he had so soaring and searching an Understanding that Heaven never gave so sublime a Wit to any Mortal before seeming to exhaust it's Treasury in enriching his Mind Nature at least emptied hers in perfecting him So few cultivate their Wit by Studies I allow it but whose was ever polished with such Industry improved with such Diligence as S. Augustins What did it avail me saith he of himself that I read and without the help of a Master understood all the Books that treated of Liberal Sciences whilst I remained a dull Slave to my vitious Inclinations My Back was turned to the true Light I read by it other things but never cast back my Eyes to fix them on it I had a quick and sharp Wit it was your Gift my God but I sacrificed no Share of it to you it was a part of my Misery that I like the prodigal Child had in my own Hands and proper Disposal that rich Portion of my Inheritance whilst I used not those Abilities in your Service but withdrew from you my God into a foreign Land. Possibly being born and bred up in Error he met with none that could lay it open to him On the contrary he was born of a most pious Catholic Mother he had felt in his Youth most pressing Inclinations to Piety he had since heard the ablest Divines of Gods Church in Africa and Italy Perhaps he was little concerned to find out the Truth and little regarded the Proofs of it that were offered him he assures us that for Eleven years at least he Immortalitatem sapientlae concupiscâ—bam aestu cordis incredibili â— c. conf l 3. c. 4 burnt with an incredible Desire of the Knowledg of Eternal Truth which during that Time buoyed him up and raised him toward the God he sought That he eagerly wished for Wings to quit this World and soar to that true Wisdom which dwells only in God All this perchance was only a vain Curiosity in one who felt no Sense of Piety no Spark of Devotion My Heart says he had suckt in with my Mothers Ibidem Milk a tender Devotion for the Name of my Redeemer it had sunk deeply there what ever I read of the Name of Jesus was not set in it how smooth and learned it ever were seemed insipid and relished not It may be that he refused to use Means proportioned to the finding of the Truth No he neglected but one he used all the rest If reading be useful to that End he left no Book unread if consulting private Men he dealt with the most eminent of all perswasions and was deceived by some who had always in their Mouths the Lord the Spirit the Truth Such were their Words says he but their Heart Confes l. 3. c. 5. was empty my Soul did inwardly sigh to thee my God whilst they deceived me with an Empty Sound of thy Name Unhappy me by what large Steps did I sink into the depth of Hell But sure he read not the Holy. Text of Scripture He did but to little Purpose Behold says he I saw there something covered and vailed to the Proud and not open not naked to Children Ecce video â—eâ— non compâ—rtaâ— superbis neque nudatam pueris sed incessu humilem successu excelsaâ— velatam mysteriis c. ibidem Low in appearance but that soared high and was wrapped up in Mysteries The Light it gave might have increased and grown with a little one but I disdained to be a little One That is I scorned to be taught my Book to hear any Interpreter of it Blessed God! such Parts employed such Means used so long a Search so studiously continued and discovered he not Inveniri posse viam vitae minimâ— putabam Conf. l. 6 c. 1. the true Religion So far from it that he acknowledges he came to be of no Religion and even to doubt whether God had assigned any Way to eternal Life which could be found out Were it possible to discover what blockt up his Way in the search after Truth I observe in him three Letts that perfectly obstructed it First He was prepossest with a fixed Perswasion L. 4. Conf. c. 10 13. That the Catholic Church had erred He began to suspect and even to hate the Heretics of whose Congregation he was yet they being many their Multitude retarded his Diligence in enquiring farther Because he despaired that Truth could be found in your Church O Lord of Heaven and Earth Such was the Aversion from it they had prevented him with You brought me to Ambrose
'T is I my self that would and I my self that will not God's merciful Graces pursue him with quick remorses by a saving severity and tender cruelty press him with shame with fears suggesting to him That now was the fatal moment of which Eternity depended now his Chains were to be broken whil'st they were slackened or never in case he let his Passions streightten Plagella ingeminans timoris padotis ne â—â—â—sus cessarem non abrumperetur â—d ipsum exiguum teâ—â—e quod remanserat revalesceret iterum me robustius alligaret them again He strove and said to himself Ay now be it now done yet it was not done Being now within one step of Peace of Mind Joy and Security by a final Victory he suffered in his Soul the most violent pangs he fell not back nor yet dared to advance In this critical minute his ill Customs those old Acquaintances as he terms them his past Vanities sinful Pleasures and now-expiring Liberty faintly pulling him as by the Sleeve said And wilt thou quit us From this moment for ever And canst thou think'st thou live without us Ever hereafter under a constraint ever checking ever denying thy self Grace for a last supply offered to his thoughts the Example of so many Servants of God even of the weaker Sex of tender Years who had sacrificed and suffered more to purchase Eternal Bliss These and these could said he and thou canst Quid in te stas non stas projice te securus in cum non se subtrahet ut cadas projice te in cum excipiet te sanabit â—e not Did God prevent them by his Grace co-operating with them and art thou the only One whom God will abandon returning to him Why dost thou rely on thy own Strength or fear thy own Weakness Cast cast thy self into his Arms who calls thee he will not draw back and let thee fall Cast thy self into his Bosom he will receive thee there and cure thee The Storm grew higher two Showers of Tears followed a sign that it was nigh clearing up He could not bear the presence even of Alipius alas he could not brook his own He runs under a Figtree with such Leaves Adam covered his Nakedness there prostrate on the ground bathed in his Tears he sobb'd and sigh'd then gave vent to his grief in these broken words How long my God shall I be the Object of your Anger the Butt of your Justice When will the Ray of Mercy shine How long shall I say to morrow to morrow Why not now Why not at this instant an end to my sinful life Augustin Jesus sees thee under that Figtree as well as he did Nathaniel before thou seest him His Mercy it is sounds there so deep thy Wound only that the Cure may be perfect that hereafter fruitful in Pious Deeds thou maist escape the Curse that fell on the barren Fig-tree The happy moment is come written in the Book of God's Mercy from all Eternity A Voice is heard Take up and read Take up and read He obeys finding S. Paul's Epistles by him he lights on the 13 Rom. 13. God guiding his hands and eyes there he reads Not in Feastings and Drunkenness not in Chamberings and Lechery not in Strife and Emulation but put on our Lord Jesus Christ and pamper noâ— the Flesh gratifying its Desires These words he had read often but now a Ray of Grace writ the sense of them in his mind and stamped them in his heart In a moment a comfortable Light breathing Security and Joy spread it self into his Soul His Tears were wiped off his Doubts resolved his Fears and his Anxiety vanished he rose a SAINT inflamed with the Love of God begins his Apostolical Labors by inviting his Friend Alipius to a like zealous Conversion who had been all the while a dumb Spectator and who to shew the Riches and Varieties of God's Graces sitted to all Tempers without reluctancy without strife or difficulty surrendred himself at the reading only of the Sentence following in S. Paul Receive Infiâ—â—um in Fide assamite and take him along with you who is weak in Faith. I should now open unto you Christian Brethren the Riches of God's Mercies heaped on this Saint shew you his great steps towards an eminent Virtue and the fulness of the Reward that attended it even here by Numquid hoc esseâ— intra in gaudium Domini tui Con. l. 9. that serenity of mind those interior Joys which he often conceived to be of the same Nature with the Bliss of Saints in Heaven and short of them only in Length But my Glass is at the lowest ebb my time expired I shall trespass no longer on Your Sacred Majesty's Royal Patience I will end with a transient consideration on the Fruit of this whole Discourse which hangs on these three Truths First That we can do nothing without a continual supply of God's Grace and therefore ought with assiduous Prayer to press upon God's Bounty for it Secondly That Divine Grace once granted enables us to do all things and that it is never denied when duly asked whence it follows that we ought without the least fear to undertake whatever God moves us unto Thirdly That Grace requires a speedy and diligent co-operation or is soon withdrawn and consequently that nothing is so dangerous in the great concerns of our Eternal Salvation as delays on whatever account No certainly nothing available to Virtues here or Happiness hereafter can be had without the help of Grace S. Augustin is a plain Instance for it Twenty years continual endeavors a studious application of so many Eminent Parts the Tears of a pious loving Mother the endeavors of the ablest Divines of Europe and Africa could not help him to see an almost self-evident Truth what way of Worship God hath appointed us to honor him by and where those means lie which his Mercy hath allowed us to attain that Bliss we are created for This Truth being laid open his Will passionately moving him to declare himself of the Catholic Church he had not yet the strength to raise it to a Resolution Oh how truly are all the Crowns of Qui coronat te in miseâ—iâ—ordia miscrationibus Psal God's Saints the Works of his Mercy and his Commiseration on our Weakness How truly are all the Merits we can boast of God's meer Gifts His own sad experience did teach S. Augustin how to express this Truth so fully so admirably in his Book of Widows To will Coronat munera sâ—â— saith he is certainly our own Work if it be true of any thing it is certainly so of our Will that 't is such because we will and yet what little influence have we over our own Wills relating to good It must be awakened and stirr'd or it lies as in a Lethargy when awake it must be healed and strengthened or the least difficulty and pain overcomes it when applied it