spit thee with thy own Sword Vain Why thou hast as much Modesty as good Nature VVorm Death I have neither Vain Who can deal thus honestly by me and cannot hear your self commended with the Title of my Friend Worm The Title of thy Friend a Commendation why this is past all Sufferance Look ye Sir since I cannot perswade you to understand me by Words I 'll try to make you understand me by my Sword Come Draw Sir Drawing Vain Draw Sir VVorm Ay draw Sir so I say no Repetition Vain What a Plague will you Fight a Man because he calls you his Friend VVorm Friend again that word has wing'd thy Destiny as the Poets have it I see the Rogue dare not Fight I may push this matter home Vain But Good Mr. VVormwood VVorm Death Sir Draw I say I shall make you Dance to a New Tune Vain Oh Lard Sir is that all how dull was I that I did not understand you I protest dear Sir you had reason to take it ill that I shou'd be so tedious in Gratifying you I learn'd a New Minuet yesterday and tho' the place be not so proper yet to shew how earnest I am to oblige you La La La La. Sings and Dances VVorm Nay then I think I may venture to put up my Sword and beat Time with my Feet on your Buttocks thus and thus Enter Freelove and Bellmine Free What Quarrelling Gentlemen hold hold Vain Oh no Sir by no means you do not know Mr. Wormwood he 's a facetious Person and had a Mind we shou'd practice a New Dance Bel. An Antick I suppose Vain Right Sir 't is even so if we can but get a Sett you shall see what Sport we 'll make at the next Ball. Free That I hope will be difficult VVorm Gentlemen a word I wou'd not have you seen in that little thing 's Company you see he has no Sense nor Courage and it may make the Wise and Brave reflect on you Free We thank you for your Caution Sir Vain Mr. Bellmine you know I always had a value for you your Friend too seems a fine Gentleman and I suppose is of your temper wou'd be acceptable to the Ladies but nothing can be so destructive to that as being seen with that old snarling ill bred Fellow hang him despise him leave him Bell. Indeed to leave him to himself is the surest way to Plague him for ill Nature is its own Greatest Torment Vain You are most Ingenious Dear Mr. Bellmine you and I will be wondrous great Call your Friend away and come with me By your absence for some time you may be out of Acquaintance Come I 'll shew you every Body I 'll make you acquainted with the whole Town this Afternoon I have access every where You know the Ladies were always Fond of me Bell. I desire not to intermeddle between such Ladies and you therefore pray Excuse me Vain Extreamly obliging kind to the last Degree to deny your self so great a Pleasure for fear of Rivaling me But I will not suffer that so much Goodness should prejudice you Come we are hard by Sir Francis Feignyouth's I 'll carry you thither Bell. Are you acquainted there Vain Goodness that you shou'd not know that most intimately Sir Truth is they wou'd be much fonder of me but I 'am often troubled with the Spleen exceedingly troubled with the Spleen Mr. Bellmine and they poor Creatures do so Sympathize with me that I never go there but I give it to them Bell. Faith thou art enough to give any one the Spleen Vain Oh Good Sir be not concern'd I wou'd not for the world infect you 't is too much to be so nearly concern'd for me Besides there is no Danger of having it in your Ingenious Company and that is the reason I go there so often to divert it for Sir Francis's Daughter Mrs. Marina has a world of Wit and her Cousin Aemilia is nothing short of her they have both vast Sense vast Sense they have indeed and you know you may depend on my Judgment Then they Write so Charmingly Bell. Have you any of their Letters Vain Oh Goodness Sir what a Question is there Bell. A Question why dost thou dare to say it Vain Not a word you say but gives me a proof how infinitly you value me No 't is base to boast of a Ladies Favour that is the truth on 't I take your Caution extream kindly Mr. Bellmine Bell. Death and Hell dare not to think it not to hope it nay not to wish it Vain Oh Enough enough a Word to the Wise I will be more discreet for the future Bell. Discreet Insolent Wretch Death thou deservest to be beaten Free Bellmine so loud Dost thou not know that next to the Disgrace of being Beaten is that of Beating those we know will bear it Bell. For thee even to name the Woman I admire is almost enough to lessen my Good Opinion of her did I not know you both Free Away mind him not Vain Od's my Life is one of them his Mistress I thought there was something extraordinary it makes him so Cholerick he is Jealous and takes me for his Rival nothing less cou'd make him angry with me But we that are admir'd by the Women must expect to be envied by the Men. Pox take 'em I cou'd bear their Envy but I don't rellish this Quarrelling and Striking and Hurting and Fighting and Wounding and Dying and the Devil and all Where is the sense of it I am sure every Body is so fond of me that if they did but know how little I care for such things there is not one wou'd offer it to me not one I 'm confident Least these Strangers shou'd mistake my humour I 'll march off and there is a rare Opportunity a Hackney Coach coming this way with two Masks I 'll pretend they call'd me Heigh you Rascal Coach-man don't you hear the Ladies cry hold Dear Gentlemen you see the Reason of my leaving you there are some Ladies in the Coach call me therefore I hope you will pardon the abrupt Departure of your most obedient faithful Servant Exit VVorm There 's a Dog now there 's a Rogue Why wou'd you prevent my Drubbing him I wou'd have kick't him into Jelly Free If you had persever'd you had quickly made his feeling as dull as his understanding VVorm I attack'd his most sensible part Free And yet I have known some as Contemptible as he boast of their success in Intreagues nay and boast with truth too tho' one shou'd imagine that Vice alone shou'd destroy their future Success since it is as imprudent in Women to put it in such Mens power to boast as it is in the Men base to be Guilty of it Bell. There is none so Despicable but have some Quality to recommend them to some Body Nay it oft happens that a Man is admir'd by some for that very Quality for which others despise him And Vainly has one
it Free You want no assurances of my future Constancy if you believe I now Love you for no one ever Lov'd who did not conclude he shou'd always Love the same Aem. I must conclude you very Rash and Imprudent to profess such Love to you know not whom Free The more I shew my Imprudence the fiercer I prove my flame trust me it is a Dull and Languid Passion which can be check'd by any Consideration Shall I to be thought prudent by a World where some will hate me for being so and the rest do me no good debar my self of real Pleasures No no Prudence must submit to pleasure with me Aem. What! have you no regard to Reputation Free As much as any Man But whatever we pretend 't is pleasure rules us We do not this nor forbear that for the real good of the thing but that it pleases us The VVoman that is Chast is not so for the sake of that Virtue but the Fame of being so delights her more than the Joys she receives by being otherwise When any Woman refuses what I request and Love prompts I conclude 't is because she values something more than Love and me and she who suffers any thing to come in Competition with her Love Loves not Aem. You have given me great Advantage over you for since I have not profess'd a Passion for you I am not oblig'd to any of these Extravagancies but you are Free I own it There is nothing I will refuse that Love and you require Aem. And you profess this mighty Passion to me only Free Witness it Heaven and Earth to you only Aem. Ungrateful Fickle Mah Look here behold this Face and be as much confounded to behold who 't is as grieved 't is not a Stranger to your Baseness Oh that Submission well becomes thee now but dost thou think I am that tame forgiving Fool a Bow can Reconcile me to thee make me forget thy inconsiderate Rash Temper when e're I do I shall forget thee too remembring one I shall remember both and both despise Free 'T is as I wish'd Aem. What 's as you wish'd that I have found thee false art thou come here only to publish it 't is well thou canst not publish too that I ever made thee a Return to thy feign'd Passion that wou'd indeed encrease thy Pride Free You never have till now Aem. Till now unheard of Impudence what when I tell how I disdain a Vice must you misconstrue it for Love Free Yet am I pleas'd o'rejoy'd at all this Wrath which shews your Jealousy the greatest sign I e're cou'd yet receive that I am not indifferent to you to have this proof it was that I disguis'd my knowledge who you were Aem. Oh Hypocrite Artful Dissembler how quick to catch at an Excuse this shews thy Cunning not thy Innocence while I suppos'd thee Honest 't was easy to delude me and gain a Credit in every thing Now thou art known I doubt each word Even known Truths utter'd by thee wou'd be suspected Free Do not Persist in this why will you dash my rising Joy my first and only hour of Bliss I sought to know if you valu'd me enough to be Jealous and wou'd be happy in the search cou'd I now remove your Doubts for I Love Aem. No doubt you Love Love every thing you meet and therefore 't is I 'll none of it Therefore I 'll leave you to gratify your Roving Humour Run Fawn Caress each Common Thing you meet give them thy heart a present only fit for such try which can affect a Passion most and which can first Deceive While such as I look with disdain on thee and pity upon them Exit Free Oh Confusion what have I done searching to discover her Love my only Happiness I have forfeited it Curse on my impertinent Curiosity Enter Bellmine Curse on my dull Designs my Concern too hindred my telling her her Uncle cou'd witness I knew her Before she 's undeceiv'd she may take some resolution for ever Fatal to my Love and Quiet Nay I have given her a Moments disquiet were I an Age upon a Rack 't were but a poor Attonement Oh I cou'd tear this prating Tongue out by the Roots beat out these stupid Brains and only spare my heart because 't is hers Bell. What 's the meaning of all this here 's some Mischief towards I met your Mistress frowning and find you ranting What Quarrel already this Matrimony runs so in your head it has quite spoil'd your Humour stay till the Comfortable indissolvable Knot is ty'd and then I shan't wonder You Jarr like Man and Wife already Free Oh Bellmine I have done the most imprudent thing You need not wonder at my Rage since you beheld her frowns I am the Ridiculous Cause of Both. I must be making Experiments Bell. Why I have been about some such matter too which had like to have happen'd ill But thanks to a little decent Assurance and some few necessary Oaths all 's well again My fair Lady having no great reason to think me the most constant of Lovers I was resolv'd to let her see I was not to be tempted and pretended not to know her Free Did you leave her in that Opinion Bell. Or I wou'd ne're have left her I were a hopeful Fellow indeed and had improv'd my Time well in the world if I cou'd not perswade and swear my Mistress to any Opinion Free You swore it too you did not know her Bell. Swore it ay lustily what dost think I wou'd scruple an Oath to put a Lady in a good Humour Free What unlucky Stars were they which brought us together and what an unnatural Conjunction that ever I should enter into strict Friedship with one who is my perfect Reverse Bell. What art thou mad Free I Dreaded I had ruin'd my self and you have Conscientiously by your Genteel Qualities of Lying and Swearing confirm'd it I am undone if Aemilia believes I did not know her and Marina will confirm her in that belief thanks to your Industry and Conscience Bell. Pish is that all why I 'll forswear it again Man to do you Service Free If you cou'd but prevail with your self to speak truth there wou'd be no occasion for this Complaisance Bell. Speak truth to a Woman why you see what comes of it I tell thee the Sex bear such a Detestation to it that no man ever succeeded with them that practis'd it But come Sir Francis Feignyouth expects us by this time to carry us a visiting I have a mind to see whither her Ladyship be improv'd in Scandal what new Reputations she has sacrific'd to her Malice Free I am in no humour to be delighted with such things Bell. I never knew any Man so easily dejected in Love Affairs I have already advis'd you always to dissemble in Relation to Women I will give you one Caution more in relation to all matters as well as to that Ne're let your mind be
I shall faint if I stay a moment longer He will have the impudence to deny he made Love to me and desir'd a Meeting Bell. I own I did Sir but Sir Fr. Oh! Did you so truth will out Bell. And I design'd Sir Fr. To Marry her your self Not a word more Sir nor a step farther In half an hours time I 'll admit you to wish me Joy And so your Servant Lady Vol. Your Servant Good Mr. Little-plot Ha ha Exeunt Sir Fra. and Lady Vol. Bell. VVhat is the meaning of all this I cannot understand it Free To me the matter is very plain She has out-witted you and made him believe you wou'd have Marry'd her this you see has enrag'd him against you and being Mad enough to think her Rich and to be Reveng'd on you he is gone to Marry her Bell. He will be Ruin'd Undone Beggard Free And Marina the less Fortune That Consideration is of no small moment to you Bell. Your Example is of so much greater weight with me that it has not only reconcil'd me to Marriage but I think in my Conscience I cou'd Marry Marina without a Fortune But it mads me that she shou'd have such a Mother in Law Free She will not be much improv'd by her Example Bell. As much as a Man may improve himself in Conversation by Drinking with the silent Club here Free 'T is such an improvement as Expert Musitians receive by hearing Bunglers she may learn what to avoid Bell. But is there no way to prevent it Free None that I know of unless you had some fresh Matter to urge against her And here comes the likeliest Man to assist you to furnish you with Scandal Bell. This will be Joyful News to him Oh he is so facetious when any one has been Guilty of an indiscretion and has so many smart Jokes upon the Unfortunate Enter Wormwood Worm Your Servant Gentlemen My Spleen has been so tickled just now at the most diverting sight Ha ha Bell. What has any one broke his Neck or has some young Lady run away with her Brothers Footman or is the hopeful Son expell'd the Colledge or has there been a Fire lately in Town or any Merchants broke Worm Almost as Comical as any of these I just now met Sir Francis Feignyouth handing my Lady Volant into his House he told me he was that Moment going to be Marry'd and bid me come to you to be Confirm'd of the Truth Ha ha Bell. And is this so great a Jest Worm Ay is it not to have an old Fellow who is so fond of Whoring and Freedom and Money make himself a Slave to Marry a Beggar that she is one I am now convinc'd Come will you along with me I have a Cordial for him that will spoil the effects of Sack-Posset I suppose the Business is finish'd by this time he shall not know it before 'T is such a Jest Bell. No no I am Melancholly enough already and thy Jests always give me the Spleen Worm Well I 'll go alone then for I long to plague him Exit Wormwood Free That a Fellows whole Delight shou'd be the Torment of others Enter Trickwell Trick Sir Sir I have rare News for you I have found out that will break off Sir Francis's Match Bell. Be quick in telling it Trick Hearing you in great concern to day for his Design to Marry my Lady Volant I went immediately to her pretended Steward who you must know Sir is my old Acquaintance Bell. The properest Person to detect her Trick And wheedled him into a Confession that she has kept him two or three years Bell. Kept him To what End Trick Why faith Sir I believe to much the same End that you kept the Fine Lady that Lodg'd in Convent-Garden Bell. This indeed may do if the Intelligence comes not too late but can you produce him that we may Confront her with him Trick He is waiting for me at the end of the Walk Bell. Hast to him then and pretend his Lady wants him send him to us at Sir Francis Feignyouth's and wait you below till I call Trick It shall be done Sir Bell. Excellent Fellow For thy Reward if thy hopeful Spouse be in this Country I 'll find her out for you But away Exit Trickwell Come Freelove you will go with me you may have an opportunity to see your Aemilia Free That Consideration will carry me any where Exit Free and Bell. The Scene Changes to Sir Francis Feignyouth's House Enter Sir Francis Feignyouth and Lady Volant Sir Fr. COme Lady now you are mine in spite of all my Rivals I 'll have them all to Supper to Triumph over them We will have nothing but Revelling Feasting and Kissing for our first Month at least But we 'll go to Bed soon because the Drums and Trumpets will Disturb us early Lady Vol. You will find some Duns in the Morning will disturb your Rest much more than they Aside Sir Fr. VVhat says Your Ladyship Lady Vol. Only contemplating on my Good Fortune Sir Fr. I 'll give you no leisure to contemplate you shall be busied with Action I have sent to invite my Rivals from Bellmine down to Vainly I 'd not give a Farthing for a Jewel I must always keep lockt up in my Cabinet I Love to publish my Happiness But where are these Girls run This Marriage has set them a Madding now to be at it too Here Niece Daughter where are you Enter Aemilia and Marina I am sorry Niece your Admirer has no Estate that you might not lye alone to Night Aem. If I like his other Qualifications well enough to Marry him that shall be no Objection Sir Fr. She is stark Mad I must Marry my Daughter as soon as I can or she may Debauch her to the same Design Aside But I am resolv'd nothing shall Discompose me to Night I have sent for some Musick to Entertain you Desire them to walk in and show their Art A Dialogue Set by Mr. LEVERIDGE He YOU Bellamira we Admire Which pleases you tho' ill you use us You wou'd taste Joys which we desire And Punish both when you refuse us She Those Joys I 'd keep as well as taste But both by yielding are destroy'd For Men are ever in such haste E're we have tasted they are cloy'd He All Humane Things their Crisis have To which arriv'd they fade away So long for Love you make us crave E're you Consent our flames decay She On what strange Diet Lovers Live On hopes the Fair may be enjoy'd Love even can Despair survive But is by nourishment destroy'd He Insatiate I 'd my Love repeat Only to breathing time agree Because I cannot always Eat Will you both Starve your self and me She I grieve Philander to deny And yet I loose you if I grant Not I alone can Satisfy Without Variety you want He Each Part Variety affords Your Hand your Eyes your Lips your Breast Believe this Kiss if not my Words