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truth_n know_v speak_v word_n 9,131 5 4.2861 4 true
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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A52945 New news of a strange monster found in Stow Woods near Buckingham, of human shape, with a double heart, and no hands, a head with two tongues, and no brains 1679 (1679) Wing N688; ESTC R12303 3,110 4

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NEW NEWS OF A Strange Monster FOUND IN STOW WOODS NEAR BUCKINGHAM OF Human Shape with a Double Heart and no Hands a Head with Two Tongues and no Brains THere is a Letter lately printed said to come from an assured Hand in Answer to a Letter from a Freeholder in Buckinghamshire concerning the late Election of the Knights of the Shire of the County of Bucks which because some False Passages in it should not abuse you and the World I shall give you a true Relation of some things upon my own knowledge Sir R.T. now much better known and equally trusted by the Name of Sir Timber in the time of the late Usurper cut a Chip out of his own Block and made a Trencher of it he began early to deal in Timber and with it waited upon the Usurper with great Diligence and Observance and when any Fovours did appear ready to drop from his Highness's Bountiful Nose he was always in readiness with his Obsequious Instrument to intercept the falls and with great Care did pocket up those Pearls not doubting but with them to piece up his broken Fortunes and not be forced to Compound with his Creditors at Six Shillings the Pound as afterwards he did But his Master dying and his hopes thereby disappointed and the King returning to Sir Richard's great Grief and Amazement he quickly shifted the Scene and being well train'd up by his old Master he took up his Principle Hypocrisie And let the World go how it would he thought that a fruitful Ingredient to a thriving Trade The first Tryal of Skill he made was this The Convention being dissolv'd he thought it his Interest to fall in with the King's Party and to ingratiate himself with a worthy Gentleman of it Sir William Teringham Sir Richard went in his behalf to the Duke of Buckingham with whom he had some little Acquaintance when the Duke was in his Troubles and did procure a Letter from the Duke to the Town of Buckingham in the behalf of Sir William Teringham to be chosen Burgess of the Town for the ensuing Parliament and promised to deliver it himself and negotiate with the Town in the behalf of the said Sir William and because he would make his Addresses more acceptable he did procure on Mr. Burton a Creature of his own who then lived in the Town to let the Burgesses know he would build them a Town-Hall and that they might have good Evidence of the truth of that Promise great store of Timber was sent into Mr. Burton's Yard and all hands were set at work for this Castle in the Air. After this Prologue down came the Doubty Knight to Act his part with the Duke's Letter in his Pocket as his Credentials but finding that Sir William Smith's Loyalty had engaged all the Burgesses for him and that Sir Timber for now you may so call him was like to hew out no Burgeship for himself in case he delivered the Duke's Letter in the behalf of his Friend Sir William Teringham he pocketed up the Letter as he had done the Vsurper's Pearls which as if it had been spirited into some Foreign Plantation was never heard of more Let us observe his proficiency in Hypocrisie as we go from a Servant to and Rebel with the Usurper without any Recantation he immediately turned Cavalier procur'd the Letter for Sir William Teringham but when he found that would not promote but destroy his Design he as quickly deserted and betray'd his new pretended Friend and hocust the Letter into his Enchanted Castle And yet finding that his Timber would not build up his Interest in that Town unless he could prevail with Sir William Smith to drive a Pin for him he made use of divers of Sir William Smith's first Wives Relations who was Sir Alexander Denson's Daughter and thereby Sir Timber's near Kinswoman to importune Sir William not to joyn with any other but to permit Sir Timber to be his Partner but all this would not have done Mr. Dormer would have been too hard for him if the Timber Argument had not prevailed above the 300 l pretended to be deposited by Mr. Dormer and 300 l more promised by Sir William Smith This Pamphleteer must needs deal with the Devil or one of the lying Spirits of Ahab's Prophets was crept into him otherwise he could never have forged so notorious a Lie both of the Dead and the Living And I am persuaded Sir Timber himself who wants neither Deceit nor Impudence hath not Brass enough to face so wooden a Lie which hath as little Sence as Truth Six Hundred Pounds is such a Sum as would easily have broken his Timber Engin Fallible Men seldom let go such Birds in hand Well upon this wooden Horse our Knight rides to Parliament and that he might have some colour to appear there he procured a Red Ribon to make him a Knight-Errant but when he found it did in flame the Reckoning although he went by Chearing he return'd by Weeping Cross But he was resolv'd per fas nefas to pick up his Crums When he came first into Parliament he was much to seek but a he had pretended to be so he set up at first for a Royalist but quickly perceiving his Error and that that poor Party was like to get nothing he betook himself to his old Friend the Trencher and that Venom which he had suck'd from his old Master the Usurper or lick'd up under his Table he threw about the House of Commons for NUISANCES and never left vomiting his Poison until he got an Antidote of * Place in the Custom-house How he came by it to this day is not known but most People think he got it by Enchantment and that Satan who was his Devil Father when he was named Timber help'd him to it This Potion was no sooner down but it wrought as vehemently the other way and he befoul'd the House with such stinking Matter that they were forc'd to throw him out otherwise they had all been in great danger of being poison'd You have heard of some who have been possess'd by the Devil have vomited up Ink-horns Pins and Stones c. but this wooden Knight hath out-done them all By virtue of the said Potion he hath shit out a mighty Fabric by the help and assistance of a new sort of Sacriledge for he hath stoln away the Parsonage-House that the Inchanted Castle might be all of a Piece and that as the Foundation was laid by Treachery it might be cover'd by Sacrilege But this Potion hath serv'd him as the Devil serves Witches gives them great Gifts but they are still Beggers So this hath given him a great House but taken away his Understanding For never since he took it hath he spoken either Sence or Truth If any other can be found like him the Devil may take them both and he shall find them more accomplish'd and like himself than any who have ever yet arrived at his Palace I cannot close my Letter until I have told you a little Story Sir William Smith had a Tenant who owed him about 200 l this Tenant had a Sister who usually did lie in Sir Timber's Chamber and when the said Potion wrought and made his Belly ake she came and laid a Plaster of warm Guts to the place and after a while it gave him ease and he lay very still and quiet all the Night At other times she gave him a Clister and when she was out of Order he gave her another This kind interchange procur'd some advantage to the Brother For Sir William Smith coming kindly to visit Sir Timber being his Neighbour immediately after he was married and having some discourse with him in private about the Tenant's Debt the said Sir Timber contrary to all Humanity and the Rules of Hospitality swore in Court I was by and heard otherwise could not have deliver'd it that Sir William Smith should tell him At that time when he came to visit him that for 50 l he had released the whole Debt this I have heard Sir William protest and I believe it was notoriousty false but had it been true to betray the private Discourse of a Neighbour who in kindness came to visit him could have been done by none but a Man who had taken the Devil's Potion Let every one beware of him for it is safer coming into a Pest-house than his This Narrative is known to Hundreds of People and needs no other Evidence but the Declaring of it which I held my self bound in Conscience to do for the vindication of Truth but I will be deposed I never heard Sir William Smith speak one word of it but this That he had no such Discourse with Sir Timber in private as he swore in public FINIS