upon Stilts Omnes Ha ha ha Aim If every man here shou'd cut an inch of his tongue out he wou'd have enough lefâ— I warrant ye to tell a Lie Over Really if one inch were off 't is possible he might speak truth and if one inch will not do my opinion is to cut it clear out Bo. Prethee Knight what 's the name of the Country where these wonders grow Her 'T is call'd 't is call'd Terra Incognita all the Seamen i' th' world know it ne'er a Skuller o' th' Thames but knows Terra Incognita Fool Bo. 'T is as well known as the North East Passage to the Indies the Seamen know it as well as they know the Garden of Eden Her Why there 's no question i' th' world of it Man Aim If thou shou'dst be condemned to speak truth all thy life what a case wert thou in Her I 'll hold thee five Guineys the next thing I speak of shall be truth and deposit in Sir Marmaduke's hand Aim Done for five Guineys there Sir Her And there Sir You know I told ye Gentlemen that the Guardian and I were old Acquaintants and intimate Friends and may I perish if ever I saw him in my life bâ—fore this hour speak truth now Guardian Sel. The man speaks truth now upon my honour Gentlemen Her Then I have won Now I 'll hold thee five Guineys more that I ne'er speak truth again as long as I live Omnes Ha ha ha ha Enter Servant Ser. My Lord Arminger is come and desires to see you Sel. Gentlemen I must crave your pardon great business calls me from ye but I desire ye to take the freedom of my house Exit Seldin and Enter Alderman and Squire Her Uncle what makes you here Ald. I have match'd our Squire to the Northern Heiress and settled all my Estate upon the Lady Bo. Sir your Nephew cannot marry till he is out of his time for he is Prentice to a Poet. Ald. How Prentice to a Poet Sq. Yes and a greater honour than to be a Lord Uncle you wou'd say so if you knew the Records of Parnassus I have taken the degree of Ass already Ald. Ass Poets are the wittiest men of our Nation then what relation can an Ass have to a Poet Blockhead Sq. O Uncle you wou'd a blest your self to a seen me pass the grand Ceremony of an Ass First I kneel'd in my Shirt then all these Gentlemen according to the Rules of Parnassus threw a hundred Bumpers of Claret in my face Ald. Bumper prethee what 's a Bumper Sq. For shame Uncle not know what a Bumper is Bumper is the Parnassus word for a Beer Glass top full Her O the Learning of Parnassus exceeds all the Greek Hebrew Scotch Welsh and Irish in the world Ald. I find they made an Ass of thee indeed La. But you must know 't was done by the Laws of Parnassus where the Records of Poetry are most sacredly kept Ald. â—ecords of Parnassus prethee what place is Parnassus Sq. 'T is a place of rest for the Souls of the Poets for you must know they never go to Heaven but when they die their Souls are conâ—emned to Parnassus there to sing Madrigals every one in praise of his own Poetry to all eternity Aim And that doubtless pleases them better than going to Heaven Ald. But will abusing a man inspire him with wit Her The Ceremony without question will â—or never was Boy so improved Ald. But will his wit get him an Estate as mine has done Her Nay by my faith I cannot say that Ald. Then a Wit is a pitiful poor Creature and I 'll warrant you one that will borrow money of his very Father I have more wit than a hundred of ' em Sq. I Uncle you got your wit out of Eternal Hopkins Ald. Come let me see your Master Over I am the person that honours your Nephew so far as to make him my Prentice Ald. Honour him he honours thee thou vainglorious Poet but I do not blame thee for 't is natural to you all But 〈…〉 I 'll try whether you 're a Poet or no break a 〈…〉 without 〈…〉 Over Hold Sir a Jest is not so quickly at a Poets command Ald. Then you 're a dull insipid Poet and will never go to Parnassus To tell you true I like not your Profession therefore I 'll buy the Boys time out I 'll give you a hundred pound that you may take some lawful Calling for Poets and Players are never useful but of a Lord Maiors day when they 're mounted on a Padgeant Bo. What think you of the Authority of the Nation that allows them Ald. For all that we Citizens are always of our own opinion and I say again Poets and Players are never useful but when a King is crown'd or a Lord Maior is chosen and 't is the opinion of the Court of Aldermen and I 'll stand in it Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Lord Arminger and Mariana Ma. I am here by promise to give your Lordship Reasons why you and I must never marry and prepare your self for I 've a story bloud and horrour are the least things in 't Lo. Bless me it startles all my Spirits to hear sweet Innocence talk of bloud you must be virtuous such Sweetness cannot deceive Ma. My Lord I am false a lewd Impostor and not the Heiress whom you came to marry Lo. How you have not lest me sense enough to wonder my bloud wants motion and life is stealing from me and not sensible speak again for 't is impossible you shou'd e'er be wicked Ma. I am not the Heiress but Sir Marmaduke Seldins own Daughter and the true Heiresses my dear and lovely Kinswomen are Lo. Are what where speak Ma. Murder'd what opinion have you of my Virtue now my Lord Lo. I rather fear your Senses than your Virtue yet some wild extravagancy hath seiz'd your parts and made your Tongue strike false such a heavenly Fabrick cannot be tenanted with Devils therefore deliver truth in short and let me be at ease Ma. Our cruel Father forc'd our consents to that more cruel murder and had we refused we had infallibly met our own deaths Lo. Hold my heart has met so violent a storm 't will everset I bear a weight of grief heavier than Atlas burthen Pray you speak of something else my ears are filled with so much wickedness they have no room for more pray you speak the rest as softly as you can Ma. Then thus my Lord having met my Father in all his bloudy purposes Lo. Bless me how unconcern'd she talks of Bloud her tongue persuades one way and her heavenly form another Ma. But the contrivance of theâ—s deathr so infinitely surpriz'd and pleased my Father that he trusted our Engines with the bloudy deed Lo. Bless me how my opinion comes and goes you seem to rejoyce Madam Ma. Then hear me Sir My own Servant having a Seaman to her Lover hired a Ship to
wicked Wretch that left me there but he like a cruel man ran from me and there I perished without one Bird or Beast of the Creation by to pity me Sel. I like not this Sea Dam 'em get 'em aboard and then no matter what they dream I hate peevish people that will not be murdered quietly when 't is their turn come dispatch 'em Sir Sel. And what was your dream you little fearful Fool In. Marry God help me Nuncle I dreamed just sike ana grizely man as that set me down in Frost and Snow and ran away when he had done and by and by there came three hujus Bears Nuncle then I cried and scream'd out and God wait not can kerson Saul came to help me then I said good sweet Hony Bears do not kill me and yet the hard hearted Devils worried me all to bits and left not can morsel of me alive Sel. Is it possible Instinct should give Nature such hints of truths to come 's death what weep you for Ma. To practise hypocrisie I may have occasion for 't beside it is a kind of complement to weep with them at parting Fi. Come Sir away with 'em I fear they will work upon your good nature too and then all our hopes are cut off Sel. Thou wert always my comforter but now my counsellour I 'll see 'em aboard presently come my dear Nieces throw your idle dreams behind you I send you to the splendid Court of France where all good manners and civil breeding grow In. We have better manners â—ith half at York that have we and one York-shire Jig's worth a thousand French Dances that it is Bel. Dear Uncle let our sweet Cousins go with us that they may have the same Education that is allotted for us Sel. Not for the world the Town wou'd report I bred my Children at your charge and so conclude I mean them part of your Fortune Sea They consider nothing come Sir the Tide serves and go weâ— must In. Now by my Saul that ill-look'd Beast frights me ah thou's an ill-favoured grizely like Fellow that is sa Sel. Not one word more I charge you of all hands I 'll see you safe ashipboard pray for you and farewell In. Ene Gods Benison and mine be with you Cousins my heart gives me Iste be dead Cousin and if I die waâ—s me we'st ne'er play at Clapperde-pouch again Fi. Yes yes dear Cousin fear nothing Exeunt SCENE IV Enter Lord Bowman Laton Aimwell and Sir Hercules La. Sir Hercules Buffoon no man more glad to see you here is a most worthy and honourable Peer of the Realm desires to know you Her Not as a Lord but as a man of parts I salute you La. My Lord has great parts and virtues besides a man of great wit Her Wit pâ—ethee my Lord let 's hear a little of it Lo. When you give me occasion for 't you shall i' th' interim assure your self I have wit enough to honour and admire you Her Prethee my Lord let 's honour and admire one another till we find a reason for 't Lo. If we stay till then we shall admire one another long enough La. Here 's another worthy person his name is Bowman Sir Her Bowman Bowman by my life I honour and admire you to the Superlative degree you must needs be a swinging Lyer Bo. Why so Sir Her Sir I have a Hound of your name as errand a Cur as e'er came in field when my Dogs are hunting and at a fail he is the first that opens but the Devil a Hound i' th' Pack will believe him for he ne'er spoke truth in 's life So Sir if you be a true Bowman Bo. I 'm as errand a Cur as your Dog Bowman Her Despise not my Dog for ought you know you may be both of a Family Lo. This is an insufferable Fool indeed Her You 'll not be angry I hope a Hound is a Gentlemans Fellow in any ground in England Lo. In any hunting ground in England I grant you but we are men of no Exceptions nor you I hope Bo. Therefore good Sir Hercules let 's have a swinging Lie now Her You are a very idle Fool Sir Bo. What mean you by that I am no Fool Sir Her Then there 's a Lie for you and that 's what you required Lo. 'T is a kind of a witty Lie too Her 'T is so my Lord I have not spoke a word of truth to day I said I honoured and admired thee that 's another Lie for the Devil take me if I either honour or admire thee indeed I see nothing in thee to admire Aim O Sir Mr. Bowman is a man of most accomplish'd parts Her He 's an ill-natur'd Fellow then for he keeps 'em to himself I believe his good parts and terra incognita will be found together Lo. This is great wit Knight but very severe La. Come Sir Hercules be good natured and let 's have a Her Lie I know your meaning to tell you truth Sir this is none of my lying day Aim No! hast thou in the whole course of thy life any intervals of truth Her O Sir I 'm an old man and must think o' th' other world and therefore I 'm allow'd but three days a week to lie Bo. Prethee Knight who allows thee Her Our Parson I was forced to give him a Bull Calf to allow me them I 'd been excommunicated else La. But prethee Knight what doest thou do the other four days Bo. He looks like an Ass I believe when he speaks truth Her ' y faith so I do it is very childish and therefore I hate it however of those days I 'm very godly and go to Church Lo. How to Church man dost thou think there 's another world for thee Her Yes faith do I such a one as it is but those days I go to Church I would not speak a Lie for the worlds wealth Aim That day thou goest to Church I dare swear thou speakest truth Enter Esquire Buffoon Sq. You say right Gentlemen I have been his Son these eighteen years and he has ne'er been at Church since I was born Her You impudent Son of a Whore you Lo. O fie Sir Hercules who is this you call Son of a Whore Her My own Son of a Whore whose shou'd he be Lo. Nay if he be the Son of a Whore he ought to be thine Sq. Gentlemen I 'm not ashamed to own it I am my Fathers own Son of a Whore upon my credit Lo. Bowman the Son is a finer Fool than the Father Sq. Yet my Mother's virtuous enough if it were not for Aim What what prethee out with it Sq. O Sir she will lie most shamefully that is she wou'd lie as a man wou'd have her Her By my life the Boy 's i' th' right my Wife will lie with any man in England Bo. Do you own her to be so common Sir Her No I mean she will tell a lie with any man in England
her Seaman shall appear at that window like Ghosts call him Bloudy Murderer bid him repent and so vanish Ma. That must shake his Spirits being guilty and I hope may work upon his hardned heart Lo. We all hope that I much approve of this contrivance and if you please I 'll instantly about it Bel. My Lord we shall for ever own the obligation In. Good Honey Lord take heed my naughty Nunâ—le do not kill you now Lo. Sweet lovely Innocentia I thank you your faithful Seavant Ladies Exit Lord. In. Faithful to us all marra I se sure Iste have the least share of you then Bel. Come dear Mariana this tryal I hope will bring your poor Father to an humble penitence Ma. It is the onely blessing upon earth my Soul prays for Fi. I hope for something else upon earth before I die Sister Omnes We shall all rejoyce to see you both enjoy your wishes Exeunt FIFTH ACT. SCENE I. Enter Buffoon Bowman Laton La. O Sir Hercules there 's rods in piss for you ' y saith my Uncle is so incens'd against thee for putting that damn'd Joke of Whetstones Park upon him that he resolves to have the whole Nation search'd but he will have thee Her I thought a Deer out of Whetstones Park had been welcomer to him than all the Venizon i' th' world how came he to know it Bo. Why it seems he inquir'd of some of his Brother Lawyers where about in Middlesex a place call'd Whetstones Park stood and withall told 'em he had bargain'd for two Brace of Deer yearly out on 't during his life La. Upon that they all fell a laughing at him ready to split and told him it was a Park of Bawdy-houses which made him fall into so great a rage that he has sent his Clerk Constables and Devil and all to search for thee Her Why you know 't was Sir Thomas Lovill with the wooden Leg that put Whetstones Park upon him I 'll go to him as I am Sir Hercules and bid him produce his lame Knave Sir Thomas Lovill hast thou the Deed of thy Fathers Estate Man La. I have it Old Boy he was so pleas'd that I fought with thee in the defence of his Reputation that he gave me the Deed presently and the Lawyerâ— assure me that it is aâ— firm a Deed as ever yet was maâ—e Her Then never â—ear me I 'll get off well enough I 'll warrant you La. I 'll own the whole to him come we 'll contrive it as we go Exeunt SCENE II. Enter Lord Arminger and Guardian Lo. Sir Marmaduke I have something to impart to you but you being subject to violent passions I am not willing to communicate such unwelcom news to you Sel My Lord to shew the dear respect I bear you passion shall be my slave for once I 'll stop his violent source and yoke him to humility therefore let me know the worst of ill my cruel Fate has destin'd Lo. In short your Nieces are fallen desperately ill Sel. Is that all my Lord if they be sick we will have a Doctor Lo. Not sick but worse a ghastly fear and trembling has possest them something appears to 'em and frights 'em for they ran to me and cryed Save us Save us and ask'd me if I saw nothing and pointed with their Fingers crying aloud There they are There they are have they ever had such Fits before Sel. Often my Lord often ever when they dream of Hopgoblins the next day they run to me for shelter dam 'em their base womanish fear will destroy their glorious preferment Lo. Their desperate Fits wou'd make me think 'em guilty of Murder but for my full persuasion of their sweet and blessed innocence and what unspeakable comfort it is to be innocent what say you Sir Sel. Yes it is a fine childish comfort for to be innocent is to be ignorant to be ignorant is to know nothing and they that know nothing are unworthy to be reckon'd of the race of Man And that is my opinion of Innocence my Lord. Lo. I am troubled to hear this it is no religious Answer Sel. It was no religious Question I wou'd see my Nieces are they here my Lord Lo. Yes they are here bloudy Villain I 'll fetch those blessed Innocents which by thy virtuous Daughters were preserv'd Ghost above Sel. Ha ha what thou art a foolish Scarcrow call'd a Ghost art thou not Lo. Who is 't you speak to what is 't you sâ—e Sel. Nothing I speak to nothing I see nothing do you my Lord Lo. No Sir but such distracted starts as those your Nieces had Sel. Then good my Lord withdraw in short the Devil and I have conference once a week and now 's the time Lo. I 'll fetch your Nieces their Virtues may fright your Devil â—way Exit Lord. Sel. Now thou venemous Serpent clad in ghostly white come down that I may kill thee over again and so have thee doubly damn'd Sea Thou canst not Fool hurt me I am an aiery Spirit Sel. Come down and I 'll knead and mould thy aiery Spirit into substance that I may tear it into air again what art thou Sea A damn'd Soul of thy preferring dispatch and die the Devils are stark made in Hell that thou art so long on Earth therefore make haste they want thee Sel. If the Devil wants me let him if he dares come fetch me I dare him and his whole Host of Furies bring Proserpine his Wife and in spite of all his Guards I 'll keep her here on earth and make Prince Pluto my Cuckold and what a shame 't wou'd be to Hell to have it said Miss Proserpine is kept Sea Cease thy madness Fool I am that Seaman who undertook the bloudy Murder of thy Nieces but was prevented by being all drowned at Sea Sel. Drowned art thou sure of it Sea Too sure Sel. Then take notice I am their Heir at Law come down sweet Ghost and let me kiss thee for never did Spirit bring such blessed news Bel. O wicked Uncle repent In. Repent for thou's my naughty Nuncle Sel. What a Yorkshire Ghost what Northern Devil is thy Guardian now Sea Since thou canst not wretched man repent behold us all in flesh and bloud and clad in pure innocence Sel. Alive all alive O happy hour O blessed minute Come come down dear Nieces and behold your poor Uncle rejoycing in his tears to find you all thus secretly preserved what Saint was 't that saved you Bel. Your virtuous Children so we come good Uncle In. Take heed thou dissemble not good Nuncle Exeunt above Sel. My own Daughters betray me I that thought my subtilty above the reach of Devils by Children to be deluded O dam ' em how like innocent truth their words fell from 'em and I an infatuated Fool believed Enter Lord Fidelia Belmaria Innocentia Lidia Seaman Lo. Sir Marmaduke I take you in my arms and am o'erjoy'd to see such penitential tears flow
from you Sel. O my Lord I find my Children have made known my wicked purpose and my shame confounds me so I dare not look upon your virtuous Figure O let me see my heavenly Babes Ma. Here dear Father let us for ever kneel and for evermore thank Heaven for this your blest conversion Fi. O dear Sir what comfort 't is to see you satisfied that these are safe Sel. A blessed comfort indeed they are Saints my Lord too good to dwell on Earth and therefore shall to Heaven thus Stabs Mariana Lord and Seaman disarm him ye Devils Lo. Hold thou cursed Wretch take his Sword from 's side whilest I disarm him of his Dagger Fi. Run run for Surgeons let all the Houshold run Lo. Houshold imploy the whole World for Surgeons and let all the business of the Earth stanâ— still till Mariana be recovered Ma. Have merâ—y on my distressed Father my Lord. Sel. A curse on thee for a Religious Jilt Lo. What can he now expect but publick justice for all the Records of Hell cannot produce such wickedness as is in thee but for Mariana's sake yet repent and all shall be forgot Sel. Repent Seaman that Lord 's turn'd Fool did Quality ever trouble it self with repentance before it lies not in the road of Greatness Fetch me the Devil and I 'll thank you I have revengful work for him and his whole Tribe give me my Sword Sea You are in no conâ—ition to be trusted with a Sword Sir Sel. Lord of all Mankind trust not that treacherous Slave he once seemed to me the bravest and the bloudiest Villain that ever Man or Devil imployed and the false Dog turn'd tail prov'd honest and betray'd me My Children too prov'd false who wou'd stay in this wicked world I and my damn'd Issue will out on 't to see them â—ry in torments wou'd please me better than to be a Monarch Lo. Thou Wretch think of thy Soul and then repent Sel. I cannot revenge allows no time to think of Souls the Heralds know every thing takes place of Penitence that comes sneaking behind and is allow'd no place of Honour but Vengeance rides i' th' front o' th' battel and I his right hand man therefore this Tongue shall never utter any worâ—s but Vengeance Furies and Torments Torments Furies and Vengeance revenge Devils revenge Exit Seldin Lo. What an Example of Desperation's here Pray you Siâ— be careful of hiâ— till I senâ— Ministers to comfort him I wonder so wicked a man shou'd have such virtuous children Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Judge and Clerk at one door Bowman Laton Buffoon Squire at another La. Clerk take heed be sure you be true to us Clerk I 'll stick as close to you as your Shirt Sir Her Save you my Lord I understand one Lovill a Rogue with one eye and a wooden leg has inform'd you that I have with most reproachful and ignominious words bespatter'd your Judgship Jud. Oho! then it seems you are Sir Hercules Buffoon that have as you call it bespatter'd me write a Warrant Clerk I 'll clap you up and clap an Action of ten thousand pounds upon you for scandal Sir Sq. That will be a damn'd Clap indeed Clap him up and Clap an Action this Judge talks of nothing but Claps I believe he knows Whetstones Paâ—k better than I do Her Clap me up I scorn your words my Lord bring that Villain Lovill to my â—ace to justifie his words if he dare Jud. I am afraid Clerk he dares not come because of the roguish bargain he put upon me of two Brace of Deer out of Whetstones Park it seems a Park of Baâ—dy-houses Rogue Rogue Sq. My Lord I 'll take that bargain off your hands I 'll give you two Brace of Fallow Deer for your two Brace of Whetstone Jud. Yours is such another Park as Whetstone I suppose but for Lovill I 'll clap him up in a Jayl where he shall never come out Sq. Another Clap this old Fellow has been a Swinger in 's days Her He 's a sherking Knave and no Knight my Lord. Jud. How came he to be call'd so then Bo. In the time of the Civil Wars he found friends it seems to get a blaâ—k Warrant for a Baronet and not finding a good Customer for it he sawcily bestow'd the Honour upon himself Jud. He is the first Subject that ever made himself a Knight Her Not by some few my Lord but I am told you threaten to undo me for which I 'll clap an Action of the Casâ— upon you my Lord. Sq. Then there will be Clap for your Clap and the stone in your foot still my Lord. Jud. If I find this Lovill I 'll purge your ill manners for you Her The Rogues Oath will not be taken he has been Knight of the â—ost these twenty years there came in his Knighthood 't is his trade he has nothing else to live on Jud. Did you ever hear two men rail at one another thus Sir Bo. I think the like was never known my Lord. Jud. Well till Lovill be found I 'll secure you Sir Her I defie both Law and Lawyers for I have a Protection Jud. A Protection I believe the Devil voids Protections faster than Children void Worms let me see it Sir Her I have it not yet but if you 'll call for a Pen and Ink I 'll write my self one presently Jud. This Fellow seems to be some Jester rather than a Knight Bo. He may be a Jester and yet a Knight too Jud. But hold Clerk was not this Gentleman here with Sir Thomas Lovill Bo. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. That may be but I am certain this young Squire was here and said he was Lovill's Son Sq. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. This Fellow 's a Fool and not a Squire sure Sq. My Lord a Fool and a Squire are Twin too you 'll scarce know one from the other Jud. Clerk sure this is Sir Thomas Lovill's Son Sq. I had rather be thought the Son of a Whore Lovill's a Rogue that deals with Pick-pockets and can help people to stolen goods again Bo. This is you all this while Knight Jud. You all deny the truth Sir Buffoon you 'll deny too that my Nephew cudgell'd you Her I scorn to be cudgell'd I confess he caned me indeed and he kick'd me so that my Haaches look as black as a Westphaâ—ia Ham or the Traytors Quarters upon the City gates La. Upon my word my Lord I never caned nor kick'd him nor did I ever in my life see the man before this day Jud. Did you not beat him then for abusing me so grosly La. No my Lord. Jud. Then give me my Deed again Sirrah La. No my Lord. Jud. Why did you own you base Fellow that you were caned and kick'd Her Because my Lord I