to nouelties that you might the rather sée howe willing I am to satis-fie your humors I haue sent you heere the whole discourse of my aduentures what hath beâ—…yde mee since I left the terrestiall worlde with a very true report of my infernall trauailes Strange per aduenture for you to vnderstand of but for the truth of the matter if you shall any where stand in doubt doo but compare the place with that golden volume of Legenda Aurea or with the workes of that famed wise man Syr Thomas More in his Booke of Quoth I to your freend and quoth your freend to me in his discourse of Eutopia The suppliâ—…ion of soules in Purgatory If your conscience be yet scrupeâ—… and that these authentike authorities will not fully satis-fie you turne ouer then to the Remish Testament and leauing the Chapters and wordes of the Euangelistes looke into the notes inserted by that holy fraternitie of Iâ—…suites and that blessed broode of Seminaries and tel me then if you do not find matter seeming more incredible theÌ„ any by me here alleaged and yet I dare boldly auouch it and that without blushing if you consider duly of the circumstances you shall finde no lesse cause to laugh at the one then to beleeue the other Hauing thus prepared your mindes to receiue the certaintie of my discourse now likewise sette open your eares and be attentiue to the rest for thus it foloweth When pittiles Death had sommoned my soule to leaue his transitory estate infusing his frosty humour through all the parts of my body leauing my breathles corps a fitte pray for the sepulcher my deceased ghost wandring now to and fro in many obscure vnknown waies desirous to find a place of rest at the length lighted into a straight and narrow tract so ouergrowne with bryers brambles that there was almost no passage left and as it should séeme vnto me did lead vnto some ruinated place where all former trade traffique was decayed the solitarines wherof me thought was best befitting answerable to my humor so that with great difficulty scratching through the bushes it brought me at the length to the foote of a mighty stéepe Hil whose height I was not able to discerne but by the vnpleasantnes of y â— path leading ouer monstrous Rocks craggy ill fauoured to passe I perceiued it to be the high way to Heauen But should I tel you heere the toilâ—… y â— I had to climbe this Mountaine with what labor I attained it how many breathings I tooke by the way before I could reach it what folly I found in my selfe to vndertake it and should I discribe vnto you at large howe many inconueniences they finde that vndertakes thys passage to Heauen peraduenture I might so discourage you that a great number would neuer desire to come there at all but thys I can assure you for your better câ—…mforts he that hath a willing minde to vndertake thys trauaile let hym bring with hym a pottle of that lyquour which I was wont to drinke with my Hostesse at the Redde latâ—…esse in Tormoyle streete and hee shall finde it more auailable in the furthering of hys iourney then a whole poke full of the Popes pardons When I was gotten vp to the toppe of the Hill after that I had a little panted for breath looking forwarde ouer a fayre greene as my high way did direct mée I myght perceiue a little distant from mee where two were fast together by the eares weapons they had none more than their bare fistes but with them they laide on such load that I perceiued the one was loath to remayne in the others debt and I somewhat mending my pace when I was come vnto them presently knew them both to be of mine olde acquaintaunce the one Veluet breeches the other Cloth breeches betwéene whom I had not long before béene a stickler and as I supposed had taken a quyet order betwéene them for ending of all controuersies But they neuer the more vppon my ariuall forbare the one the other but sometimes with downe-right blowes enough to haue feld a Bullocke sometime with bobbes at the lippes able to haue dasht out theyr téeth otherwhiles lugging one an other by the eares as if they had committed some offence in listning too lightly after foolish spéeches but Veluet breeches being in the French fashion with a goodly locke hanging downe his left chéeke wherin Cloth breeches had so snarled his fingers that when I thrust in betwéene them to haue parted them I could not pluck away his hand tyll he had pluckt away hayre and all that he had holde on but hauing once put them a sunder I wild them as they were men to hold their hands why qd I doo you know what you doo or doo you remember the place where you are I am sure wee be not farre from Heauen gates and if S. Peter should vnderstand of your abuse I knowe he would commit you both to the Porters Lodge Veluet breeches who was so farre out of breath that hâ—…e was not able to speake in the end when he had a while well blustred and blowne deliuered mee these words This base fellowe whom I haue euer disdayned and although in our late controuersie by the inconsideration of a partiall Iurie he preuayled against me sentence being giuen on his side the which I thinke dooth incourage him the rather in his presumption toward mee but I euer scorning him denying him as he is vnworthy to conuerse with a Gentleman of any quallitie or trayning vp and as I was yerwhiles quyetly trauelling all alone in a solitarie muse how I might behaue my selfe when I came to heauen what salutations I might render to the Saincts with what grace I might giue the Baseles manes to the Monarches and great Princes that had raigned in the world and what countenance I might carry best beseeming a Gentleman of my reputation calling newly comming amongst so many strangers of al sorts amongst whom I was altogether vnknown and had no manner of acquaintance as I was painfully and with great difficultie trauelling vp the hill in these other like cogitations this barbarous fellow whose rude training vp hath better inabled him to indure labour toile than those that haue lyued in pleasure ease was followed hard at my heeles before I was aware of him which in truth at the first made me halfe afraide but looking back seing who it was my feare was turned into disdaine and my stomacke meruailously began to swell against him but without any mannâ—…r of word speaking vnto him â—… kept my way the which being so straight as you know that there can passe but one at once I held him behinde me till I was gotten vp to the very height of the hill where the passage growing more spacious he makes no more adoe at the matter but without any word speaking steps afore began to hold on his way as though I had béene but
the rest were examined by one and one and that in such seuere and straight manner that amongst euery ten there were scarce one admitted to haue entrance into heauen the Articles that were obiected against them were too many in this place to bee rehearsed but one thing I noted well which was there were some that shewed him the Popes Pasport sealed with lead vnder his priuie Sygnet but Jesus how S. Peter did be soole them to shewe him such a writing being not confirmed vnder the handes of the foure Euangelists he commaunded them presently to auoyde and to come no more in his sight Our turnes being now come to say for our selues I was the first of the thrée that was called for S. Peter demaunded of me what might be my name and what trade I had â—…sed I tolde him my name was Robert Greene by profession a Scholler and commenced Maister of Artes. O quoth S. Peter I haue heard of you you haue beene a busie fellowe with your penne it was you that writ the Bookes of Cony-catching but sirra could you finde out the base abuses of a company of petty varlets that liued by pilfering cosonages and could you not as well haue discryed the subtill and fraudelent practises of great Conny-catchers such as rides vpon footeclothes and sometime in Coatches and walkes the stréetes in long gownes and veluet coates I am sure you haue béene in Westminster Hall where you haue seene poore Clyants animated to commence actions and to prosecute sutes till they haue brought themselues to beggery when all is spent they are turned off like fooles and sent home by wéeping-crosse And let me sée now if any of your Crosbyters your Lyfters your Nyppers your Foysters or any other of the whole rabblement of your Conny-catchers cal him by what name you list be like vnto these or more mischiuous in a Common-wealth Then haue you couitous Landlords that dooth daily so exact and cheate of their poore Tennants that they were better light into the laps of a Cutpurse then to dwell within the precincts of a Cut-throte Yet haue you a proude kinde of Conny-catchers that hauing but a Penner and ynâ—…rne hanging at his gyrdle yet créeping into some great mans fauour to become his Clarke or Secretary by plaine Conny-catching within very fewe yeeres will purchase thrée or foure hundred pound land a yeere Or shoulde I put you in mind of great Conny-catchers placed in Offices who are continually building of houses and still purchasing of reuenewes to leaue to theyr heyres perhaps by deceiuing the Prince or cossoning the Subiect but how should they compasse so great aboundance but by some practise in Conny-catching vnlesse they be such which the Prince dooth fauour of whom she bestoweth many gracious and liberall gyfts I will not say there bée Conny-catchers amongst Clergy men that will catch at a Benefice sometime before it falles and nowe and then by Simonie or other corruption hauing catched two or thrée can be contented likewise to catch their Tythes from their poore flock but very seldome to â—…eede them or to catch any of their soules to the kingdome of heauen But now my fréend take this for your answer you that coulde busie your selfe to fable out so many follies without indifferency and to become a wryter with such partialitie I must tell you truth heauen is no habitation for any man that can looke with one eye and wincke with the other for there must none rest there that dooth vse to haulte but such as be plaine and true dealing people I woulde very faine haue replyed in mine owne excuse but S. Peter cut me off telling me that I was aunswered and that hauing mine aunswere I shoulde trouble him no further And foorthwith speaking to hym that stood next mée asked hym his name Who told hym that he was called Veluet breeches S. Peter asked hym further what Countrey-man he was He aunswered an Englishman I cannot think you to be a naturall Englishman sayd S. Peter for that I neuer heard of any of your name in that Country Yes Syr if it please you said Veluet breeches my auncesters came in with the Conquest and my predecessours haue still continued Gentlemen both of Worship and credite As Veluet breeches had ended these words there happened to come by diuers Princes that had raigned Kinges of England all of them mounted vpon great Horsses and had béene abroade vppon the gréene running at the King the which Princes being espyed by S. Peter he called vnto theÌ„ requesting them a little to stay and then poynting to Veluet breeches he demaunded if any of them did knowe hym or any of hys name remaining in Englande in the tyme of theyr raignes and gouernments But they denayed altogether that euer they had seene hym or euer known any Gentleman of English byrth that was of his name Amongst this royall troupe was King Henry the thyrd and he confidently protested y â— in the time of his raigne there was no such person to be found for said hee I sent one of my seruants to buy me a payre of hose and hee returned againe with a payre that was but of sixe shillinges and eyght pence the price wherewith I being displeased folde him that I would haue had hym bestowed a marke of a payre but hee said there were none such to be gotte But as for the other Cloth breeches that standeth by hym I know him very wel by his lookes he dooth so much resemble his auncesters and hath the very liuely picture of his Predecessours the which were very honest plaine dealing men without any manner of falshood or deceite S. Peter thanked them of their paines and thus the Princes departed who beeing gone S. Peter saide You haue heard Ma. Veluet breeches what hath passed but yet because you haue auouched your selfe to be a Gentleman you shall haue thys fauour we will examine some other of later time who peraduenture may better call you to remembraunce There stoode a Messenger by whom S. Peter willed presently to goe fetch hym some Englishman that was but of some tenne or twenty yéeres residence in the place charging hym to goe with spéede and to make a quicke returne The Messenger met with a company that were newe come out of a Tennis courte amongst whom was a Mearcer that within these tenne yéeres had dwelt in Cheapside hym the Messenger brought to S. Peter who demaunded of him if he did know a Gentleman in England called by the name of Ma. Veluet breeches Yea marry sayde the Mearcer I know him to my cost for thys is he that standes by me and heere I auouch it before his face that hee is no Gentleman but a proude dissembler and a cosoning counterfeite which if it shal please you to giue me leaue I will proue before this holy companie Saint Peter aunswered we doo not onelie giue you leaue but also doe straightly commaunde you to speáke a truth and withall to speake no more
then is truth what you are able to charge him withall and howe you are able to prâ—…ue your words The Meareer aunswered it were too much impiety for a man in my case to raise any slander or maliciously to accuse any man wrongfully but to the end the trueth of the matter might more euidently appeare I must craue pardon a little to vse circumstances and thus it followeth About fourteene or fifteene yéeres since when I kept a shop in Cheapside following there my trade this counterfet Gentleman being consorted with another of his owne pitch a byrde of the same feather although in times past his onely samiliaritie was but with Dukes Earles Lordes and such other worthy personages yet at this day an ordinary companion and conuersant with euery skypiacke and himselfe of base condition and a common Cosoner his name called Silke stockings These two copesmates Veluet breeches and Silke stockings changing theyr names and because I will not be offensiue to other Gentlemen that peraduenture be of the same name which they then tooke to themselues I will call Veluet breeches maister White and Silke stockings he shall be maister Black these two counterfeite Gentlemen maister White and maister Black prouiding themselues of Lodgings Maister White as it might be in Graties streete in a house where no body knewe him and Maister Blacke in Fanchurch streete fast by where he found as little acquaintance Theyr Lodgings being thus prouided Maister White walking into Poules and séeing many bils sette vp on the West doore by such as wanted Maisters perusing the bylles and finding one that he thought might be â—…itte for his purpose and in truth was as cosoning a knaue as hee himselfe gaue notice vnder the bill that he shoulde repaire into Graties streete and at such a signe enquire for Maister White The fellow finding his bill subscribed and hoping now to light vpon some cheate made hast the same night came to Ma. Whites Chamber Sir saith hee I perceiue your Worship wants a seruant and I am the party whose byll it hath pleased you to subscribe and would be glad to take any paines with a good Maister to please him O sayes Ma. White art thou he Marry it is truth I would giue entertainement to a young fellowe that woulde be dilligent and trusty If it please you sir answered the party that meant nothing but deceite I will finde you suerties for my trueth and good behauiour Thou sayest well sayes Ma. White but trust me I like thy lookes well mee thinkes thou hast a good honest face but tel me if thou wilt be with me I must haue thee immediatly Sir answered the other if it please you to giue me leaue till the Morning that I might fetch some few things that I haue to shift me withall I will then attend your Worshyp Uery well saies Ma. White thou maist doo so and till then farewell Héere was now a Maister and a man well met for the Maister meant to vse his man but to serue his turne for a poynt of cosonage and the man meant to vse his Maister til he might finde oportunity to runne away with his purse or some other of his apparrell as he had doone before with many others But according to appointment in the Morning trusty Roger came and was receiued of hys Maister who now with his man at hys héeles frequented his fréend Ma. Blacks Chamber for a day or two and the one of them could not be without the others companie but maister Black must dyne with maister White at his Chamber and Ma. White must suppe wyth maister Blacke in his Chamber but the sequell was maister White with his seruaunt attending of hym walking into Cheapside and lighting into my shoppe demaunded of my seruaunts where their Maister was they told him that I was within that if it pleased him to haue any thing with me they would call me Yes marry would I sayes he I pray you call him for I wold speake with him One of them telling mâ—… that there was a Gentleman in the shoppe that would speake with me I came downe and Ma. White first curteously saluting me began in this sort to discourse with me Sir I am a Gentleman belonging to such a Noble man in the North parts of England and in trueth the Steward of â—…ys house and hauing now some busines for my Lord heere in the â—…itty which I am come to dispatch I must disburse some mony vpon Ueluets other Silkes both for my Lords and Lady and I tell you trueth they are such wares as I haue little skyl to make choyce of the matter why I was desirous to speake with you was but to commit that trust to your selfe which I durst not aduenture with your man and my request is that you would deale so honestly with me as I might not be deceiued in the choyce of my stuffe the beneâ—…e that you shall winne by your good vsage is you shall receiue ready mony for such wares as I meane at this present to buy and you shall winne a customer of whom heereafter you may take greater summes I hearing his smooth spéeches deliuered vnder pretence of honesty and séeming otherwise both in the show of his apparrell and the dutifull attendance of his man that hee had béene indéede some Gentleman of reputation and good reconing desirous so much the rather to win such a customer I tolde him that I woulde not onely fitte him with as good stuffe as any man in London should shew hym but also in the price I would vse him with such reason as in any other place they were able to affoorde him the which promise in very déede I meant faithfully to performe Heere-withall he drew a paper foorth of his pocket wherin he began to reade Item for my Lord two yardes and a halfe of Blacke veluet and two yardes and a halfe of Kusset veluet for two payre of Hose with three yards and a halfe of Black sattine and as much of Kusset for â—…blyting Item for my Lady fourteene yardes of the best thrée pylde veluet for a loose Gowne with sixe yards of Peach coloured satine for her Petticoate Item for Mistris Iane Mistris Fraunces fourteene yards of double tursfed Taffita for each of theÌ„ a Gowne and twelue yardes of Cornation satine for theyr Petticoates To coÌ„clude he brought me out so many Items that the prices of the wares amounted to 50. and od pounds the which when I had sorted him out he began to find fault that they were too high rated praying me to sette my lowest price for that he meant to pay ready money and therefore if I would not be reasonable hee must be driuen to séeke some other shoppe I very loath to driue him away pitcht him a price so reasonable as in truth I was not able better cheape to affoord them but hys mind being onely sette vppon cosonage told me he durst not aduenture to gyue so much mony and thus away he