had done enough and enough my heart being farre from God and not once assaying to come neere vnto him Here I would aske a question of the common sort of people young and old I would aske you for no harme Is not this your religion I meane to say your praiers to heare seruice I will not put in to say seruice without any special stirring of your heart not actually minding that you are in talke with God nor so affected as they who perceiue themselues to be so neere vnto euen before the face of that Almightie King who is terrible vnto the Kings of the earth they are his seruiters I take that blessed God to witnesse against my soule if I speake vncharitably or idlely I am perswaded that I haue good reason to feare that a great many of you haue little religion in your hearts but content your selues with saying and hearing and some outward ceremonies Then I can tell you what religion is the fittest for you Euen that which you call the old religion for that wil so furnish you with outward workes and ceremonies that you shall not dreame of medling with your heart You see the deuoutest of them can swallowe downe into their soules lying forswearing murther and treason They make no bones of such matters And why Because the ceremonie-law of Rome serueth their turne I speake vpon my conscience for the glorie of my Lord God and for the good of my countrey It pleased God that specially by the meanes of M. William Olney of Tachbrooke neere Warwicke who tooke me from my poore parents I was in some sort continued at schoole About foureteene or fifteene yeares of age I fell into acquaintance with diuerse that fauoured the Popes religion among whom one lent me a booke thus intituled A defence of the censure giuen vpon two bookes of William Charke and Meredith Hanmer ministers which they wrote against M. Edmund Campian priest of the societie of Iesus and against his offer of disputation This little booke beeing one of the most dangerous bookes that euer I read for they bee little ones that either doe good or harme vnto the greatest number of people did thoroughly distast me with the Protestant-religion before religion was in mine heart A principall case of my distast was the many euill reports which with great pretence of truth it signifieth touching the liues of Luther Caluin and Beza bringing in this reason withall that the authors and beginners of an extraordinary reformation in the Church of God should at the least be ordinarie honest men in life and conuersation which those men were not if that booke be true Here I humbly entreat all people to take knowledge of two things which I haue found true by experience First it is not safe for a man to betake himselfe to this or that side in controuersie of religion vntill his heart and life bee setled in some vprightnesse of obedience vnto God Can a man iudge of colours before he bee borne No. Then how can a man rightly discerne the truth in questions touching the mysterie or secret of godlines he not beeing renewed by the spirit of God Although he haue great learning or depēd vpon the iudgement of great learned men yet Sathan the deuill will haue an hand in him because they which doe not conscionably obey God are subiect to be wrought vpon by him Eph. 2.2 The second thing that I would desire you to take knowledge of is this When a man is well assured that he is entred into a conscionable course of obeying the commandements of God which is the practise of repentance to settle his iudgement touching this or that controuersie in religion hee must not bee lead by the sermons or books or liues of men but principally hee must apply himselfe vnto the grounds of his faith which are two God and Gods word How shall he apply himselfe vnto God By verie often humble and earnest prayer that he will vouchsafe for Iesus Christs sake to giue him the spirit of reuelation the inlightening of minde to perceiue the holy truth S. Paul telleth vs plainly that the secrets of God cannot be rightly known but by the spirit of God 1. Cor. 2.10.11 And our Lord Iesus hath giuen vs this assurance that if we doe earnestly pray vnto God for the holy Ghost hee will giue him vnto vs Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. How shall a man apply himselfe to the word of God In following the example of the Iewes that dwelt at Berea who when S. Paul preached vnto them receiued the word with all readinesse But how They searched the Scriptures dayly whether those things which S. Paul deliuered vnto them were so as he said yea or no Act. 17.11 And for your encouragement see what followed Act. 16.12 Therefore many of them beleeued If any say hee cannot vnderstand the word of God I answer he may bee sorrie and ashamed to say so for to what end hath God giuen his word but to be vnderstood euen of very simple folke for of all the books in the world there is none that hath more plainenesse in it then the booke of God hath Many fine schollers haue no minde to reade Gods word because it is so plaine It is certainely one of the maine drifts of Sathan the deuill to make people beleeue that Gods word is hard to bee vnderstood because he would not haue them to vnderstand it for he knoweth that nothing in all the world is so great an hinderance vnto him as Gods word beeing vnderstood Now I will goe forward in my confession I went first to Oxford and then to Cambridge At Oxford I was in Gloster Hall about foure yeares first and last at Cambridge I was in Emanuel Colledge not so long but to that Colledge I am singularly bound Afterward I tooke vpon me to be a schoolemaster and then entred into the ministerie in the yeare of our Lord one thousand fiue hundred nintie and sixe The next yeare after vpon the commendation of diuerse reuerend Ministers in Kent namely my fatherly friend Doctor Milborne of Seuenoke M. Bust of Penshurst M. Deiose of Chiddingstone M. Smith of Chelfield I obtained of Archbishop Whitegift a generall licence to preach I haue beene a minister eighteene yeares and so much more as since the sixeteenth day of May last for as vpon that day Doctor Young Bishop of Rochester gaue mee orders at Bromeley in Kent All this while vntill this verie yeare one thousand sixe hundred and foureteen my heart continued in that inward behauiour wherwith it was first possessed in my childhood Now let me goe backe againe and make report how the Father of mercie hath striuen with me from my youth yea and nowe in good and comfortable measure blessed be his name vanquished the setled wickednesse of mine heart Euer since I had any vnderstanding of Gods will something hath been working vpon my mind perswading me very earnestly to forsake sinne and wholly to submit my selfe
am quite disabled that I can doe thee no seruice because my body is full of death Yet according to thy commaundement I will thorough thy grace wholly bend my spirit to serue thee And what seruice my dying body can performe I will put it vnto betaking my selfe euery way to thy good pleasure and most holy will Amen That day in the afternoone I was tormented yet let me say the truth in a manner as it were vnderhand succoured and sustained My back was about and below the kidnies very sore which made mee fearefull of a fit of the stone which from the last Nouember I had not It came many times into my mind to admonish all sorts of people to leaue the most common taking of Gods name in vaine in prating and swearing and cursing O if any that is giuen vnto that horrible sinne knew how deere and precious vse I am driuen to make of Gods name when in hellish torment specially at and after the making of water I haue none other helpe in all the world but to crie out saying O Lord ô God ô Iesu Christ c Whosoeuer you are that shall read or heare this stay a little while I pray you Bethink your selfe well whether the time will not come you know not how soon wherein you shall be forced to call vpon God for present help yea you ought to call vpon him euery day euery houre for your life and all that you haue or hope to haue is at his mercie In the turning of a hand hee can take all that is good from you turne you away into all manner of misery Then if it stand vpon his pleasure what shall become of you and specially when you are in aduersity or anguish whether you shall be releeued yea or no follow my counsell keep his name in store and by no meanes endure to write or speake it in any idle fashion much lesse in swearing tearing and cursing like a limme of the deuil What man is so madde that hauing a most pretious restoratiue able to cure him of any disease will hurle it into the dust fling it against the walls or tread it vnder his feete No you would lay it most charily as a most speciall treasure whereby you may in time of need help your selfe or your freind O then consider that of all restoratiues the name of God passes and excells For it is a soueraigne remedy against all euils both of soule and body Therefore the Psalme saith Psal 124.8 Our helpe is in the name of the Lord who made heauen and earth In few words take this for certen If you meane to haue helpe in the name of God vse it like a most pretious restoratiue Make not an idle word of it take it not in vaine least when you haue neede to call vpon it you call in vaine because the Lord remembers that you made a vaine idle word of his name That euening I did but walke a little in my chamber it made my water bloody what a miserable state am I in Thursday morning a matter that I read gaue me occasion to consider of an offence which many in Derbie lately tooke by the leauing out of the Crosse at the baptising of a child True it is that I neuer left out that signe nor euer will leaue it vntill the Church giue warrant Yet this I must needs confesse A many people thinke that baptisme is not perfect without the signe of the Crosse Yea more They thinke that there is some holy vertue in it The iudgement of God is a great deepe But the commanding will of God is in his word very plaine Hee would not haue poore people to beleeue that holinesse is there to be had where it is not They which first deuised any ceremony without ground of Gods word how good soeuer their intent was little knew what inconuenience would in processe of time grow thereupon Did you neuer see a house so ful of smoke that a man might sooner haue been stifled and blinded then well warmed That is typhos superstition that is the religon of many rude people If any say it is to be required that such people haue good instruction I say againe what instruction are they like to haue whose guides are either vnable to instruct themselues or suffered to be otherwise imploied I once heard Bishop Barlowe saie that touching higher places which is too too generall and extendeth in my simple obseruation farre further then hee intended it His speech in effect was thus The time was that fit men were sought for But now there is not such neede because many proffer themselues How it is in the higher region I know not But in the lower it is commonly thus And so long as it is thus a foole may prophecie that sound holinesse is not likely to thriue In the afternoon my strangurie was very keene my right foote burned with a painfull heat yet see the goodnes of God still a way is made that I may endure it euen when I am readie to crie out because of deadlie torment I am fully perswaded that had not this disease come vpon me yea and preuailed more and more euen to the putting of me quite out of all hope of recouery I should neuer haue beene diuorced and separated from the loue of this world Notwithstanding all that is yet done sin cleaueth vnto my soule like birdlime I haue a world of trouble within my selfe to master the olde setled rebellious thoughts of my heart which are so sturdie and so deuillish specially one my most naturall sinne that were it not for the verie grace of God in Iesus Christ I should bee quite out of all hope of subduing them Let me come into company and there is such an vprore in mine heart that whatsoeuer I can doe is al too little to keep it from breaking out into open rebellion against God Whosoeuer beeing an old sinner doth put himselfe into the continuall conscionable practise of repentance he shall plainely perceiue the sinnes of his heart to be like vnto a company of desperate rebels besieged in a castle yeeld they will not vntill they be famished out They haue succour from the remembrance and from corrupted imagination from the outward sences specially the eies and the eares and who can say how full of temptations the world is temptations fitted to worke vpon the sight and the hearing It is well worth obseruation for any man that knoweth white from blacke and sinne from grace to marke when he comes in companie with any how soone the seuerall wicked corruptions which are both in him and in the other wil conspire together to betray them both to make them sinne against God at least in a deale of idle talke I cannot call to minde that euer I was in company with any and drawne into a familiar communication but that I was also drawne into sinne Yea but some will say idle talke is a veniall sinne wherein they may pleade
be very gracious vnto mee Oh! mine heart is so deuillishly bent to sinne that no vowes no oathes nothing can turne it O Lord what shall I doe I am as a man that hath most deadly wounded himselfe and dying would not die But woe is mee There is no remedie He that is wounded to death must die yea but thou vouchsafest to raise vp some by the grace of thy Sonne True Lord true it is But few of that companie be such as haue bin dissembling hypocrites And of all counterfeits the most vncurable is a counterfeit-preacher of thy righteousnes My soule can hardly thinke how such a one should haue the grace of repentance Of all such if any such there be beside me I am the worst O good Lord be mercifull vnto me the worst of all sinners Amen Friday the twentieth of May I prayed thus O good Lord though the hardnes of mine heart be exceedingly great yet ought I not to despaire for thy Sonne likeneth the kingdome of thy grace vnto a graine of musterd seede and vnto a little leauen O my soule hast thou not a little faith Looke vp vnto heauen and craue of thy maker that the fulnes of grace which is in Iesus Christ may haue some little influence and entrance into thee by the holy Ghost O my good Lord my soule is full of vnbeleefe I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto mine vnbeleeuing soule Amen About noone the same day hauing dined with two strangers for I lodge and table in a vitteling-house comming into my chamber I confessed and prayed thus O Lord what am I that I should vndertake to walke vprightly before thy face I cannot for the company and presence of any one draweth my minde downe from thee O why doest thou suffer the poore children of Adam to be thus carried away Is it because thou wilt haue it so fie vpon mee sinne-blinded wretch when a seruant for his naughtines is turned out of his seruice hee should laie the blame of his miserie vpon himselfe and not vngraciously exclaime that his lord had a purpose to put him away before euer hee offended Yea but seely man thinketh that thou who art so renowned and famous for mercie shouldest be mercifull vnto euery one Or if not so because then iustice should not be seene nor the benefit of mercie so well appeare yet the greater number should haue mercie specially seeing that the God-man Iesus hath paid so great a ransome for mercy We do not consider that among many traytors it is much if a King pardon one Sinne is treason against thee yea farre more haynous then the highest treasō can be against Princes because thy Maiestie is infinitely greater then theirs Also thy hate of sinn is aboue our vnderstanding for it is according to the measure of thy holinesse which is vnmeasurable Ah! my father Adam little knew how many thousand thousands of his owne naturall children hee did throwe into euerlasting miserie in breaking thy commandement He was well able to haue obeyed thy will So am not I for from out of him I haue together with my bodie receiued a wicked inclination which now is by long custome in sinning most extreamly hardened O good Lord be mercifull vnto mee Amen That afternoone I kept my selfe within and the morrow also But Saturday at night I by occasion of companie fell into vaine mirth whereunto I am excessiuely giuen There is indeed a good kind of merriment if we could hit vpon it for according to the last and in my weake iudgement the best translation of the Bible He that is of a merry heart hath a continuall feast Prou. 15.15 But in the Iewes language a merry heart is a good heart and therefore there can be no sound safe mirth without the grace of repentance Can a subiect though of high degree bee frolike and iocand before the face of the King so long as his Maiestie is grieuously displeased with him That were a ready way to discouer an vnloyall heart which vnto a prudent Prince is verie abhominable But what if the same subiect bee vpon humble submission receiued into his Soueraignes fauour will he not be very moderate in his mirth so long as hee is in the presence of his Maiestie will it not be ioy sufficient vnto him to be free from giuing his Leige Lord any cause of distast to minister vnto him all possible good contentment yea else he is not fit to bee in the presence of Maiestie for hee eclipseth the royall glory which cannot but cause some euill effect one way or another So it is betweene the Lord of glorie and those which serue in his presence that is to say all Christians The 22. of May beeing Sabbath I was sore plagued with the strangurie yet going to Church and after diuine seruice comming into the pulpit I felt my selfe to be something coole and able to speake So might I haue continued but that I did as I would wish no man to do strain my selfe with a kind of furiousnesse the common behauiour of such as are tumultuously confusedly and rawly prepared The best way for a Preachers selfe and the most likely to preuaile in perswading his hearers is if I bee not much deceiued graue milde and treatable speech If a man perceiue it in himselfe it is a very grieuous sight to see corrupted nature play the part of grace and with a smoakie flourish make as though it would kill the deuill beeing indeed his base slaue so willing to obey as he to commaund What a glorie is this to Sathan what a dishonour to God After I was come home I praysed God thus O most excellently gracious Lord what shall I sinner doe I am neither worthy nor able to praise thee yet exceedingly bound to do it O Lord what mooueth thee to be so good vnto the worst of all sinners Onely thine owne goodnesse for in mee there is nothing but causes of prouocation Yea a thousand and a thousand thousand causes which crie vnto thee for vengeance and continually vrge thy iustice to powre a whole sea of wrath vpon me And yet thou art gracious vnto mee Had I the holiest soule and the strongest bodie of all that liue vpon the face of the earth yea though I could liue an hundred holy liues die as many right Martyrdomes in zeale of thee and of thy truth I should not come neare vnto the making of a sufficient recompence for the goodnesse patience and forbearance which thou hast graciously shewed vnto mee And yet loe most vile wretch that I am I still liue in sinne and so continue displeasing and dishonouring thee O my good Lord giue me grace to be once broken from this deuillish wickednesse though it be with condition that I shal be the most refuse man of all the world Lay vpon me whatsoeuer thou wilt onely disburden my conscience of sinne and ease my body of this vnsupportable paine of the strangury Amen At euening prayer I read and preached
and all others that I may euerlastingly praise thy name therefore through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Tuesdaie morning the strangury pained me verie grieuously and my feete were in such an extreame heate that I was forced to stand barefooted In this burning torment I prayed O most mightie and most mercifull Lord God my Maker and Sauiour of thy most tender compassion most excellent mercie vouchsafe I beseech thee to ease me of this filthy tormenting disease lay vpon me in stead thereof what crosse what iudgement thou wilt Me thinks thou saiest Thou foolish man put away thy folly drawe neere vnto me and I will draw neere vnto thee O good Lord blessed be thy name In the name of Iesus Christ I will drawe neere vnto thee I will henceforth be alwaies verie mindefull that I am before thy face nothing in the world no not any companie shall put me out of that thought Beeing in companie so often as I perceiue my minde to turne it selfe from waiting vpon thee I will presently breake out into these words Fie vpon me what a forgetfull foole am I Good Lord forgiue me and correct mee Then if any aske the reason why I spake those words I will very plainly tell it Most gracious Lord giue me grace thus to doe and blesse me in so doing through Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen The staires to my chamber are the comming vp vnto three other chambers So oft as I heard the noise of any bodies feet comming vp the staires I was very fearefull that some or other were comming vnto me and as glad if I heard them goe by the doore to any of the other chambers How men may iudge of this I know not but my conscience doth assuredly certifie mee how the Lord God iudgeth of it That forenoon some company came to me staied long wherefore though I in some sort looked to my soule yet could I not auoide bodily hurt for I hauing to ease my paine taken much drinke before the companie came being forced painfully to hold my water when they were gone there came such things from out of my body as if many skinnes within were pilled off Wherefore I fully perswaded my selfe that I was possessed with a windie fretting inflammation which of necessitie must very shortly kill me and that as I thought most likely by the perishing of my bladder In the afternoone I praied thus Most blessed Lord very true it is that the doore of heauen is in comparison much lesse then the eie of a needle An entrance there is but most hardly to be gotten The beginning of an vnfained godly life is the hardest worke in all the world Then what meaneth Christ in saying that his yoake is easie and his burden light His meaning is that true repentance and right faith do ease and lighten a loaden conscience There is no remedy but sinne must needes be put off else there is no saluation no heauen to be had Woe is me How can a black-moore put off his blacknesse It is vnpossible Yea but thy Sonne hath told vs that all things are possible with thee True it is O Lord I beleeue it But the question is what thou wilt doe Therefore with the poor leper I say vnto thee O Lord if thou wilt thou canst make me cleane The Spirit answereth me saying To day if thou wilt heare his voice harden not thy heart I must striue to vnharden mine heart in obeying thy word which word thou hast graciously made knowne vnto mee to the end that I should obey it in putting off my sinne But if knowing thy will I continue disobedient to thee O what a most dreadfull measure of euerlasting vengeance shall speedily fall vpon me O Lord none can vnharden mine heart but onely thou Then how can I vnbarden it If thou euer vnharden it thou wilt make mee to vnharden it for thou workest the will and the deede in them that shall bee saued They must will and doe that which is pleasing vnto thee The power to will and doe it they must haue from thee Therefore thy seruant Paul aduiseth vs to work out our saluation with feare and trembling that is awfully and carefully to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed that so thy grace may work in vs obedience vnto thy will which is the only way of saluation Good Lord in thy Sonnes name I will striue to vse the meanes which thou hast appointed for the breaking of mine hard heart Blessed bee thy name I thinke no man or woman in all the world can haue more warning to deny himselfe and hasten repentance then I haue To thy mercie and good pleasure I wholly betake my selfe thorough Iesus Christ Amen Amen Wednesday morning I was very tormentingly pained in the water passage and therefore prayed thus O blessed Lord God this soule disease tormenteth me verie sore O that it may be pleasing vnto thy most glorious goodnes euen in such measure to ease me of this disease as by thy grace I will from this time forward deny my selfe and giue glory vnto thy truth Me thinkes thou sayest Goe to then See that thou conscionably deny thy selfe putting thy whole trust in me And for thy comfort thou shalt be sure to finde these my words true I am mercifull My mercie is vpon them that feare me Most gracious Lord blessed be thy name I beleeue thy words And nowe thorough the grace of Iesus Christ I will steadfastly set my selfe to deny my selfe O Lord be mercifull vnto mee that I may thoroughly doe it And then thy will be done Amem About an houre after I had so praied vnto God my paine of the spleene came vpon mee in such sort that mine eies were much dazled mine heart deadly vexed my limms faintly wearied Beeing in this state I praied thus O good Lord what shall I doe This my deathfull body cannot possibly hold out nor be seruiceable vnto thee in any good measure according to my calling O my good Lord what shall I doe I haue no warrant to expect any extraordinary releeuing of my body And this deadlines putteth my poore soule out of comfort Mee thinkes thou saiest Let thy soule be steadfastly vprightly bent to serue mee for so it shall receiue comfort from mee Touching thy bodie doe me what seruice thou canst and betake it vnto mee to dispose therof as I see good By greiuing at thy diseasednes thou makest it to be worse Therfore be only zealous againg thy sinnes the cause of all thy miserie But take heart of grace and sustaine thy weake spirit hath assured confidence of my mercy towards thee O my good Lord most wonderfull in mercy and Almightie in power with all humble thankefulnes I receiue these words from thee My soule is certenly perswaded that thy purpose towards mee is according to those words Blessed Lord it greiueth me that I hane so long displeased dishonoured thee and now
S. Gregories authoritie in his dialogues lib. 4. cap. 39. and so make a purgatorie matter of it and therefore shall neuer be called into question O how apt are we to deceiue our selues Doth not our Lord Iesus very plainely say these words Matth. 12.36 But I say vnto you that euery idle word that men shall speake they shall giue an account thereof in the day of iudgement 37. For by thy words thou shalt be iustified and by thy words thou shalt be condemnd If in the day of iudgement we shall bee tried whether we be fit to be saued or condemned euen by our words and if euery idle world shal then be brought in question it behooueth them that would be saued to make more conscience of their talke then the prating practise of this world affoardeth Certainly old Nicholas Denuse said very truely Of much speaking come many euills specially three the losse of consideration the dulling of deuotion and the multiplying of sinne I haue time and time perceiued the truth of Denuses words in mine owne selfe Yea euen in preaching when I haue beene more word-full then needs which such shallow preachers as I am be driuen to for lacke of matter the more pitty that people should be fed with winde those three euills haue come vpon me It may be asked what counsell I would out of my poore experience giue vnto weake ministers Vpon my conscience in the sight of God this I say Some goe for ministers which are not capable of that knowledge which a minister of the Gospel necessarily should haue The parish where such a one is should wholly ioyne together housholders men-seruants women-seruants and all that haue any thing in the world to giue for the allowing of him so much yearely maintenance to leaue the Ministerie as he hath by continuing in it yea and for the assuring of it vnto him for the tearme of his life This is much but the saluation of any one soule in the parrish is much more And where an vnable minister is certenly many a soule is in great danger If some should in loue of their saluation put themselues to this charges he that hath title to giue the benefice may put in such an other for it is too well known that many Patrons so they are called that giue benefices are very corrupt and haue no feeling of conscience in that businesse O that they knew what a huge measure of Gods vengeance they pull vpon themselues and vpon their house Sir whosoeuer you are know this for a certain the Sonne of God hath a Nisi prius against you to be tried at the great assizes of the world Then shall come foorth many poore soules cast away by meanes of your corruption and they shall crie out vpon you before the face of God Angels and men saying O Lord this is he that hath caused our damnation for he put vpon vs a man to be our minister that had not the grace of ministration in him I vndertake vpon mine vttermost perill that if faithfull inquirie be made diuerse such corruptions shall be found in Derbieshier yea gentlemen sharing with the minister in things dedicated vnto the Gospels maintenance O base more base and vile then to robbe by the high way side Those Ministers which are capable of competent knowledge but yet haue it not I would humbly intreat that aboue all other businesse whatsoeuer they will giue themselues in the feare of God most hungerly and thirstily to studie for it Though I entred not into the ministerie vntill the third yeare after I was batchelour of art which I confesse was too too soone and though that learned Colledge so I dare say Emanuel in Cambridge did in such fauourable manner approoue mee that my grace to commence Master of Arts was passed in the house before I knewe it or thought of it but I neuer went to commence yet was I glad God knowes to toile my selfe night and day else that lowest degree of sufficiencie which by Gods mercie I haue I should neuer haue had I haue been forced to renew my knowledge of logicke the Art of vnderstanding againe and againe and yet am farre short of perfection Hee that is ignorant of this Art I cannot deuise how hee may bee an vnderstanding Minister In the Latine tongue I was not verie perfect yet some-what readie But to get a little smacke in that learned language the Greeke mine eyes haue foregone much sleepe and been made to smart very often Into the language of Chanaan the Hebrew I haue so little sight as may be yet it cost mee some labour and expence withall By these paines I haue obtained God beeing mercifull vnto me this profit I can make a shift to vnderstand many learned Authors that haue written books verie helpefull for him which studieth Diuinitie Thus I am only able to abide the Churches triall and to passe for a sufferable minister if sanctification be not wanting If any vnable minister being capable of knowledge did but perceiue first his owne want and then the comfort which my soule takes in this lowest degree of abilitie which thorough Gods great mercie I haue attained vnto hee would enforce himselfe night and day to get knowledge so be quickly gone beyond me I would withall mine heart that I beeing no lesse able then I am as sufferably I can not bee were in abilitie ministeriall the very lowest of all the ministers in this Land It grieues mee to consider that some are not onely vnable which they shall find to be miserie too much but also which is much more miserable confidently perswaded of their sufficiencie I kept my selfe in some small measure of good order all that weeke much what by shunning vnnecessarie companie But my terrible disease increased vpon me and so tormented me that the foureteenth of August beeing Sabbath by drinking much new ale to ease my paine I almost ouerthrewe my selfe and was sore afraid least I should haue failed in my ministration Yet see thee admirable goodnes of God! I preached in the forenoone and in the afternoone went sicke and sowning ripe into the pulpit so that I betooke my selfe to the pleasure of God by way of preparation for some dismall successe yea before I spake any word I secretly said thus vnto my Lord Blessed Lord God make way for thine owne good pleasure and glorie and doe what thou wilt vnto mee spare mee not Yet I say againe see the most wonderfull goodnesse of God! there were diuerse of good iudgement yea and a Preacher who I verily beleeue will say they neuer heard mee preach more effectully nor with a more constant voice I must and by Gods grace will knowing mine owne exceeding weakenesse acknowledge it to be a gracious fauour of God In the morning I beeing so sore pained that I could not endure either to reade that which I had prepared to preach or to thinke vpon it did deuoutly promise vnto the Lord that in zeale of his glory I