which those writings so enflamed me There are those that seduce through Philosophy with this smooth and noble and vertuous name palliating and colouring ore their errors and almost all who in those or in former times were such are in that book noted and set down And there likewise was expressed that salvifical admonition of thy spirit by thy pious and devout Servant Col. 2.8 Beware lest any Man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit after the tradition of Men after the rudiments of the World and not after Christ for in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily And I for thou O Light of my soul knowest that the Apostolical advice was then unknown to me was much pleased with this in that exhortation of Cicero's that it excited and kindled and enflamed me not to this or that sect but to the affecting and pursuance and apprehending of wisdom it self whatever it were And in this great ardency of mine this one thing only cooled me that the name of Christ was not there Because this name according to thy mercy O Lord this name of my Saviour thy Son my tender heart with my very Mothers milk had piously imbibed and deeply apprehended and whatsoever wanted this name though never so learned polite or veritable yet did not wholly sway me CHAP. V. Not finding our Saviour in Philosophy he turns to the Scriptures Whose humble stile in comparison of Tullie's gives him distast THerefore now I designed my studies to the holy scripture to see what a writing it was And behold I find it not intelligible to the proud nor yet discovered and naked to Children but in its stile lowly lofty in its sense and veiled with mysteries Nor was I such as could enter into it or stoop my neck unto its humble pace for not as I judge now so fancied I then when I first looked upon that sacred book But to me altogether unworthy it seemed to be once compared to Tully's lofty stile for my swollen tumor abhorred its sober temper and my sight pierced not the inside thereof Yet such it was as would still have grown up higher together with those who were litle ones as they should grow higher but such a little one I scorned to be and swelled with pride me thought I was some great one CHAP. VI. In quest of wisdom he falls into the society and errors of the Manichees absurd pernicious ANd even therefore I fell among the proudly doting †The Manichees and too too carnal and yet great Talkers in whose mouths were laid the snares of Satan and a catching birdlime compounded of the commixture of the syllables of Thy name and also of that of our Lord Jesus Christ and of the Comforter the Holy Spirit In their mouth were all these very rife but in the sound only and noise of the tongue with a heart void of truth And they spoke of Truth and Truth and many they were that named it unto me and no where was it in them but false things they spoke not of thee only who art the true Truth but also of those elements of the World thy Creatures Of which I found the Philosophers speaking truth yet those also I ought to have passed by for the transcending love of thee my Father the highest good and the beauty of all that 's beauteous O Truth Truth how intimately then did the very marrow of my soul suspire towards thee when they noised thy name unto me often and variously but in words only and in many and voluminous writings †Note that all that which follows thus marked the Reader if he please may omit as lesse pertinent to the Story And those were their dishes wherein to me hungring after thee were served up instead of thee the Sun and the Moon splendid works of thine but thy works though and not thee nor those the primest of them for thy spirituall works precede those corporeal though glorious and celestial But neither was it those thy primest Creatures but thy self Thou O Truth ‖ Jam. 1.17 in whom is no change neither shadow of turning whom I hungred and thirsted after In stead of whom those tables presented me yet with other glittering phantasmes when far worthier had it been to have pitched my admiration upon the sun to my eyes a real thing then on those other falsities wherein my mind through my eyes was deceived And yet taking them to be thee I fed upon them not so greedily indeed for what rellish had these like unto thee with which I then was fed or emptied rather Meat in a dream though not feeding us resembles that which we feed on waking but that food did not the least resemble thee as thy sweetness hath now appeared unto me for they were but corporeal phantasmes the counterfeits of bodies more real than which are those true ones which with our fleshly sight we contemplate whether Heaven or Earthly We together with the beasts and fouls gaze on these more real therefore they are than those we only imagine yet again more reasonably do we imagine those than conjecture and derive again from them yet more vast and infinit-nothings With which emptinesses I was then fed or rather was not fed at all But thou O my Love into whose arms I faint that I might there gain strength art neither those bodies above which we see though from Heaven thou comest nor art thou those we there see not for all them hast thou framed neither countest thou them the chiefest of thy works How much more remote then art thou from being those my phantasms the phantasies of bodies which are not more reall than which are the images of those bodies that are and yet the bodies themselves more certain than these which real bodies yet thou art not Neither yet art thou the soul which is the life of these bodies and this life of bodies is better stabler than the bodies but thou art the life of the souls the life of these lives living alwayes from thy self and never varying O thou life of my soul Where wert thou at that time and at how great a distance And I sojourned far from thee being deprived even of the husks of those swine whom I then fed with husks For how much better were the fables of the Grammarians and the Poets than these cheats For making a verse and a sonnet and a Medea flying in the air c. were more to purpose than five Elements colourably diversified to sute the five caves of darkness which are meer nothing in themselves yet mortal to those who believe them But my verses and my poetry I exercise on the Elements that truly are so And for Medea's flying I neither believe it sung nor sing it to be believed but the other I believed Alas alas by what stairs was I conveyed into the depths of hell Prov. 9.18 For toiling and sweating in quest of still-wanted truth whilst I sought thee O my God for to thee
indeed dedicated to thy service but yet as it were panting after and somewhat relishing of the School of pride so lately left is witnessed by my books ‖ His books written there are reasoned partly with those who were present before me and partly with my self alone before thee and * Contra Academicos Lib. 3. De vitâ beatâ l. 1. De Ordine l. 2. Soliloquiorum l. 2. what I acted with absent Nebridius is testified by my Epistles O! when shall I find sufficient time for commemoration of those thy so many and so great benefits toward us in that time especially I hastening to yet greater matters For my remembrance calls me back to those times and it is a sweet thing to me O Lord to confess now unto thee * with what inward rods thou then tamedst me and * in what manner thou levelledst and plainedst me humbling the mountains and banks of my vain and towring thoughts straightening my crookedness and smoothing my roughness and also * in what manner thou subduedst Alipius the brother of my soul to that blessed name of thy only begott n Son Jesus Christ our Lord Which name at first he disdained to have inserted in our writings which he desired might rather rellish △ of the lofty Cedars of the Philosophy-school Psa 29.5 which the Lord hath broken than △ of the humble and low medicinal herbs of ecclesiastical knowledge salutary for nourishment preservative against poisons O! what passionate voices sent I up onto thee then when I read the Psalmes of David those faithful Hymns and those Aires of piety not to be sung by any swoln spirit then when I was but yet a novice in the School of thy Love and only Catechumenus solacing my self in that Villa in the society of Alipius a Catechumenus also my Mother still adhering to us in a female habit but with a manly faith the security of old age the affection of a Mother the piety of a Christian O what passionate expressions I say made I unto thee in the reading of those Psalms and how much was I enflamed towards thee by them and how was I incensed to have sung and proclaimed them if I could all the world over to the confusion of the swelling and pride of men Though verily all the world over are they sung and there is none that can hide himself from thy heat With what bitter indignation and grief did I storme against the Manichees Psa 19.6 and then again pittied them that they were * ignorant of those Sacraments of those Medicines and * mad also against the Antidote from which they might have received the cure of their madnesse How did I wish that they had been somewhere near me and might I ignorant of their presence or hearkning have * observed my countenance and * heard my ejaculations when I read the fourth Psalme and * seen what things in that my retirement were wrought on me by this Psalme Cum invocarem When I called upon thee thou heardest me O God of my righteousnesse in my distress thou hast enlarged me Have mercy upon me O Lord and hear my prayer That I say they might have heard without my knowledge that they heard lest they might think that for them I said so what things I uttered on those words for indeed neither should I say the same things nor in such manner say them supposing them to have seen or over-heard me nor if I should have said the same would they have so entertained them as when I said them only with and to my self before thee in the familiar and native affections and expressions of my mind How did I now tremble with fear now again burn with hope and with exultation in thy mercy O Father and how did these issue forth by my eyes and voice my tears and sighs when thy good spirit turning unto us saith in the words following O ye sons of men how long dull of heart Psal 4.3 Vulgar Filii hominum usque quo gravi corde Scirote quoniam mirificavit Dominus Sanctum suum How long will ye love vanity and seek after a lye Know ye that the Lord hath magnified his holy one For I had loved vanity and sought a lye And thou Lord hadst already long since magnified thy Holy one raising him from the dead and setting him at thy right hand Whence also he should send from on high his promised Comforter the Spirit of truth And he had also sent him already but I knew it not He had sent him already because he was already magnified rising from the dead and ascending into heaven †Joh. 7.39 For till then the H. Ghost was not given because Jesus was not yet glorified And for these things it is that the Prophet cries out How long dull of heart How long love ye vanity and seek a lye And know ye that the Lord hath glorified his holy One He cries out How long He cri s out Know ye And I so long not knowing had loved vanity and sought after a lie and therefore I heard and stood in awe because this was spoken to such as I remembred I had been For in those phantasmes which I had held for Truth there was vanity and a lie And I burst forth into many serious and vehement expressions in the bitternesse of my remembrance Which I wish they might have heard who even until now love that vanity and seek after that lie Perhaps they would have been pain'd and have emptied themselves of that poyson Ver. 4. and so thou wouldst hear them when they cried unto thee For not in a vain and lying appearance but by a true death of his flesh he died for us who now intercedes and cries unto thee for us and thou hearest him I further read there †Ver 5. Irascimini nolite peccare Rom 2.5 Be angry and sin not And how was I moved therewith O my God! Who had already learnt to be angry with my self for my past sin that I might for the future forbear sinning and with good reason angry because it was not any other nature of the Nation of darknesse that sinned in me as they say who therefore are not angry with themselves for it and so treasure up anger against the day of anger and of the revelation of thy just judgment Neither were now my ‖ Allusion to verse 6. Quis ostendet nobis bona good things as theirs placed abroad and without me nor sought with my carnal eyes by the light of that Sun For those who seek their joy in something abroad do easily become vain and are spilt upon those things which are seen and which are temporal and with hunger-sterved cogitations continue still licking the images thereof And Oh that they might once grow weary of and loath such an hunger and say quis ostendet nobis bona Who will shew us any better good And that we might answer again they might hearken unto it
free-will-offerings of my mouth O Lord be acceptable unto thee Because when the time of her dissolution drew near she had no regard of her body to be sumptuously inâ—erred or richly embalmed or desired some choice Monument or was solicitous for a Sepulchre in her own Country None of these things recommended she to us but only desired us to make remembrance of her at thy Altar thy Altar at which without any one dayes intermission she constantly attended From whence she knew was dispensed the Holy Victime Col. 2.14 â–³ by which was cancelled the hand-writing which was contrary unto us â–³ by which was triumphed o're that enemy who casteth up our faults and seeks for what he may lay to our charge and findeth nothing due through Him in whom we conquer For who shall refund unto him that innocent and precious blood who repay him the price wherewith he bought us that so he may redeem us from him To the Sacr ment of which price thy Hand-maid bound-fast her soul with the line of her Faith O let none ever break off or â—â—ver her from thy protection Let not that Lion and Dragon either by strength or subtilty interpose himself Because she will not plead that she owes thee nothing lest so she should be convicted and seized-on by her cunning accuser but she will plead that her debts are discharged by Him to whom none can repay that sum which he owing nothing for himself was pleased to lay down for us Rest she therefore in peace together with her Husband before whom and after whom none enjoyed her and whom she dutifully served bringing forth fruit unto thee with much patience towards him that she might also gain him unto thee And do thou inspire O Lord my God do thou inspire thy Servants my Brethren thy Children my Masters whom I serve both with my heart and my voice and my pen that as many of them as shall read these things may remember at thine Altar Monica thine Hand-maid and Patricius her Husband from whose bodies thou broughtest me into this life after what manner I know not let them remember with a charitable devotion these my Parents in this secular vanishing life * my Brethren under thee our Father in our Catholick Mother * my fellow-Citizens in the Eternal Jerusalem which place the pilgrimage of thy people so much sigheth after from their departure thence till their return thither that so what my Mother made her last request to me may be more plentifully performed to her by the prayers of many procured by these confessions and prayers of mine LIB X. CHAP. I. In this Book S. Austin makes confession of the several lapses and infirmities of his present condition since his regeneration by Baptism 1 Cor. 13 12. LET me know thee O Lord perfect knower of me let me know thee as also I am known by thee Vertue of my soul enter thou into it and prepare it also for thee that thou maist inhabit and possesse it pure without spot and wrinckle This is my hope at last and hither tends my speech and in this hope is all my joy when I joy rightly As for other things of this life usually joyed or greived for they are the more to be lamented by how much men lament less in or for them and again less to be lamented by how much men do more lament for them Behold thou hast loved truth John 3.21 and he that doth the truth cometh willingly to the light I will performe the truth in this my Confession both private in my heart before thee and publick in this my writing before many other witnesses CHAP. II. The end and fruit of confessing his present condition mentally to God ANd first to thee O Lord before whose eyes the dark abysse of mans conscience lyes naked what then can there be concealed in me though I refused to confesse it for so I should only hide not Me from Thee but Thee from Me but now by these my groanes in confession testifying how much I dislike and loath my self thou thereby becomest so much the more splendent and beauteous and amiable unto me so much the more loved and longed for by me that so I may be ashamed of my self and throw away my self and make choice of thee and seek neither to please thee nor my self for mine but only for thy sake Therefore O Lord though alwaies manifest and disclosed to thee I am whatever I am yet not without fruit do I confesse unto thee as is shewed before which confession of mine to thee is acted not with the words of my flesh and outward sounds but with the words of my soul and the loud cry of my thoughts which thy ear only discerneth where in what thing I am evill my confession to thee is * nothing else than to disallow and condemn my self in what thing pious * nothing else than not to attribute and ascribe such thing to my self because as thou O Lord approvest the just so thou first justifiest him wicked And such my Confession O my God is made before thee in some sort in in some sort not in silence being silent in respect of external noise but very clamorous in respect of internal affection And nothing that is good do I say here before men which thou Lord hast not first in secret heard from me nor dost thou hear any such thing from me but that thou also first hast said it unto me CHAP. III. The end and fruit of his confessing his present condition publickly before men BUt then what matters it that men should hear my Confessions as if they were to heal all my infirmities A race curious to pry into other mens lives carelesse to amend their own Why seek they to hear from me what a one I am who will not hear from thee what a thing themselves are And whence know they receiving only a relation from my self concerning my self whether I deliver truth seeing none knows what is in man but the spirit of man which is in him But 1 Cor. 2.11 when they hear from thee concerning themselves they cannot say the Lord lieth For what is it from thee to hear of themselves but to know themselves And none that knows the truth of himself can say 't is false unlesse he lye unto himself But yet because charity believeth all things namely amongst those whom by a mutuall connexion it makes all one therefore I so confesse to thee O Lord that men also may hear me though I cannot demonstrate to them that I confesse truth because they will believe me neverthelesse whose ears charity hath set open unto me But yet thou intimate Physitian of my soul shew me what fruit of this confession of my present condition I am now going about For the confessions indeed made heretofore of my forepast sins which thou hast remitted and covered that thou mightest make me happy in thee changing this my soul by faith and by thy Sacraments which read or