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A50716 The merry Dutch miller and new invented windmill. Wherewith he undertaketh to grind all sorts of women, as the old, decreped, wrinkled, blear-ey'd, long-nosed, blind, lame, scolds, jealous, angry, poor, drunkerds whores, sluts; or all others whatsoever. They shall come out of his mill, young, active, pleasant, handsome, wise, loving, vertuous and rich; without any deformity, and just suteable to their hunbands humours. The rich for money, and the poor for nothing. Composed dialogue wise, for the recreation of all those that are inclined to be merry, and may serve to pass away an hour in a cold winter night (without any great offence) by a good fire side. 1672 (1672) Wing M1863; ESTC R217816 5,738 18

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THE MERRY Dutch Miller AND New Invented Windmill Wherewith the undertaketh to grind all Sorts of Women as the Old Decreped Wrinkled Blear-ey'd Long-Nosed Blind Lame Scolds Jealous Angry Poor Drunkerds Whores Sluts or all others whatsoever They shall come out of his Mill Young Active Pleasant Handsome Wise Loving Vertuous and Rich Without any Deformity and just suteable to their Husbands Humours The Rich for Money and the Poor for nothing Composed Dialogue wise for the Recreation of all those that are Inclined to be merry and may serve to pass away an hour in a cold winter night without any great offence by a good fire side The Miller and the Mill you see How throng'd with Customers they be Then bring your Wives unto the Mill And Young for Old you shall have still London Printed by E. Crowch for F. Coles T. Ver● and I. Wright 1672 THE MERRY Dutch Miller AND New Invented Windmill The Millers Prologue YOu Gentlemen and good People all of this Famous English Nation know that I am no Mountebank but a down right Miller newly come from beyond the Seas whereto my lasting praise I have prov'd my self to be an Artist beyond compare for with this my new Invented Wind-mill I have done rare Feats in Grinding all sorts of Women whether old or young in City or Countrey from the Lady to the Beggar if they be Deformed Wrinkled Blearey'd long Nos'd Blind Lame Iealous Angry or whatsoever nay though she were as old as Charing-Cross or as crooked as Mother Shipton or the arrantest Scold that ever came from Billings-gate I will Ingage to make them Young Active Pleasant Handsom Modest loveing kind and Rich just Suteable to their Husbands humors As I have often experienc't in other Countreys where I have made practice of my Art Therefore if there be any persons whatsoever whose Wives are troubled with any of these infermities or any other let them bring them to my Mill they shall have Young for Old Rich for Poor Sound for Lame c. And have present remedy in less then an hours space But let this suffice that I have already said for now the wind blows fresh I perceive my Customers flocks in a pace therefore I must make use of time while time serves the first that I shall encounter with is Will the Weaver who bringns his Wife upon his Back then pray let us hear what he will say Miller Good morrow honest Will I prethée what wind hath blown thée hither this morning that thou comes laden with such a heavy burden upon thy Back Will. Truly Master Miller if you knew all you would say she were a heavy burthen indeed and yet it is a burthen that I have been troubled with many years to my sorrow But now I hope I shall be eased of it for I hear by some of our neighbors that you have excellent Skill in curing Womens infirmities and that is the reason I brought her Mill. I must confess that my Mill will cure her of all Distempers but I prethée tell what are the chiefest troubles that I may be satisfied therein Will. To spaak the truth she is so old that she cannot hear her self Fart nay more then that she hath never a good condition nor never had and to speak all in a word she is stark-naught therefore I am resolved to carry her up stairs and put her into the Hopper whilst it is empty for fear any other should be before me Miller I prethée do so honest Will for now the wind blows merrily and whiles the wise is a Grinding I will have a little talk with Jack Doo-Little who comes here whéeling his Wife in a Wheel-Barrow Welcome Jack Doo-little welcome to my Mill methinks you take a great deal of pains this morning Jack O help a little good Gaffer Miller help me for I am so over tyr'd with crowding of an old piece of Mortallity hither that I had better a thrown her to the Doggs then ever been troubled with her but now I have got her thus farr hope the worst is past Mil. Why who is it thou hast got in thy Barrow that thou doest so exclaim upon her Jack Who is it it is my old Wife a Murrain take her would I had never seen the eyes of her for she never did me a good deed in her life and yet she hath cost me many a pound to keep her old rotten Carkase from sinking into the Grave but now I am resolved to have her Ground as small as ever was any gun Powder Miller Take no care for the shall be Ground according to thy hearts desire and I doe promise the thou shalt have a young Bedfellow instead of thy old morterpeice But stay who comes next what a whole Boat full at a time I hope my trade will prove a great deal better then many think for welcome honest Water-man I sée you bring them in by wholesale what would you have done to these Girles they séem to be young and serviceable Wat. Introth you are very much mistaken for they are neither young nor serviceable do but wash of their Paint and you will see that they are both old and ill thriven and have as many diseases as an old Horse for by their light heel'd trade all their life time and being so underlaid they have made their Bodies meer Hospitalls of Diseases therefore if you be not very careful in throwing them into your Hopper you will have them drop in pieces about your ears they are so rotten Miller Say you so then I am something afraid they should clogg my Mill and spoyl it but I prethée tell me where have these Ladyes led their lives before you brought them hither Wat. Why they have been about their occasions sometimes in Whetstones Park and Le●te●●●●s-lane and sometimes a● perboyling in the Lock in Southwark from whence I just now brought them in my Boat accounting them to be a very light fraight Miller But what wouldest thou have done to them you know it is an old saying that once a Whore and alwayes a Whore yet for all that if the wind prove good I do not fear but to make them as honest and as healthfull as they were when they were but ten years of Age. Wat. I thought you could Grind one of th●m quickly till she w●re both ha●some wholesome I would stay a little perhaps she might let me have a cast of her office for a cast of mine Mil. How can that be did not I tell thée I would Grind them till they were honest Wat. What if you do Grind them till they are honest may they not turn Whores again as soon as they please Mill. I cannot spare time now to contend with thée betwixt wind and water but I tell thée I 'le Grind them as they should be Ground and then no question but they will be right again Believe it if the Wind blow fair I 'le make thy fraight prove Market Ware But who is
that comes hauling his Wise by the middle who Kit the Cooper O brave Kit I sée thou brings thy Wife to my Mill as round as a Hoop what 's the matter Cooper What 's the matter nay you 'l say it 's an ill Wind that blows no body profit I have such a matter in hand as would make a man mad to understand it here is my old Wife Joan that hath been a vexation to me this twenty years and one of the least of her faults is that she cannot hold har Water and for my part I have used the best skill that belongs to my Trade for I have hoop'd her till all the Neighbours have come in and call'd me Knave and yet all that ever I can do will not stop her old Leak Mill. Pish man that 's the least fault of a thousand to be cured Cooper Marry so it had need for I think she hath a thousand worse then that but now I have her here I will have her cured of them all or else it shall cost me a fall Mil. Take no care for I will Grind her as never old horse was ground I will make her old bones rattle in her skin like a Barrel of egg shells but here comes Martin Marrall I must either speak to him or else all the Fat will be in the fire how now Martin have a care you do not marr all by dragging your Wife so by one foot Mar. It is not a Pin matter how I drag her for she hath drag'd me by the hair of my head many a time and often and I 'le warrant you for all this let her but take breath and she shall start up and call me as many Rogues as can stand betwixt this and Amsterdam for she is a Rotter-damnable Scold nay her very voice is enough to Sowre all the Ale in the Town worse then either a clap of thunder or the Sound of the great Bell at Lincolne Mil. O good Martin let me not hear her open for hear is Wind enough allready and a little more might chance to over set my Mill for to tell you the truth no Woman is to make use of her tongue in this place for as soon as the Mag-Pye begins to chatter I turn her over into the Hopper and away she goes Mar. But I think I had best have her Ground after the new fashion that is to come out again without a tongue for I have been so tormented with it that I shall be afraid ever to venture on a Woman with a Tongue so long as I have ears to hear Miller As you please for that I 'le warrant you she shall be ground just as you would have her and that 's as much as the honestest Miller in the Land can say But what railing noise is this that I hear what a whole Coachfull of Ladies I perceive my fame rings through Court City and Country I would scarce leave this Trade to turn Vsurer welcome honest Coach-man what have you brought me here I here this will be a lucky jobb for by their fine Feathers they should have well lined purses Coach What have I brought you Marry I have brought you them that were not able to bring th●ms●lves s●ch a parcel of old decay'd Maddams or what you please to call them as I think old Nick would not be troubled with for they have been so over ridden wi●h all sorts of Gallants that they are not now fit for a Broom man And now so sooth they have a mind to be young again for their hearts are good though their heels will not up as formerly they have done Mil. I can do no less then give them a litle respect for what they have been and I will promise to Grind them like Persons of Quallity for they shall be sure of a clean Hopper and other things which I am sure they love well I do not question but you are well paid for bringing them Coach I you may swear it for because they were old I held them to hard meat or else perhaps a little ' th tone with tother might have served my turn but I pray you do your work well and it may be I may help you to more Customers for I know a great many more that stands in need of Grinding Miller Never fear but I will do my work well for so soon as ever my things are in order they shall be the first that I will go about and I do not doubt but to give them content For he that doth Old Ladyes Grind Had need to have a very merry Wind. But who comes next Peter the Piper I hope he will make us all merry Welcom● Peter you are a man that deals in Wind a● well as my self therefore be sure if you hav● any thing to do I will befrind you Piper O good Brother Wind-baggs stand t● your Pan-pudding and help me up stairs with th● most untoward cross piece of carrion that ev●● poor Piper was troubled withall for as I was crowding her along she let such a Fart that I believe it would have blown your Mill-sails about and if it had not come out at that end and then no doubt but she had raised a Tempest that would not a been laid again in hast but of all the faults she hath none torments me so much as her jealousie for you know I must Play at Feasts and Weddings and if I do but chance to kiss a Maid she is horn-mad Miller Never trouble your self if that be all I 'le make her patient enough nay more then that after I have done with her she shall be so pleasant and merry that she shall never hear you play but shall dance and I 'me sure that will please you and make fine sport Piper I must confess that will please me for if she be in such a dancing humour I will make her dance about the house with my Pipe as often as ever she made me dance about with a Broom-staff and that hath been as I may say too often Miller Well she shall serve you so no more I 'le promise you therefore Tune up your Pipes and play The worst is past and in the mean time I will Grind her as small as small Coles whilst I sing this Song MY Mill it goes merrily round My Mill it goes merrily round The Pipers Wife I 'le venture my life She shall be very well Ground Ground O she shall be very well Ground But who comes here Oh my old Friend honest Ned with his Wife Bette the Parsons Daughter in a Dung-cart I will do him all all the courtesie I can Ned. Oh! help help good Miller or I am utterly undone I have here in my Dungcart the most abominablest load of Foul-stuff that ever man laid Leg over she is fit for nothing except it were to make a Christmas-Log off and then she would make such a damnable stinck in the burning that she will spoil all the Plumb-pottage and Roast-beef in Town If you do not Grind her I must e'ne take a Halter and hang my self for I have endured a worst Bondage with her for this twelve years than ever the Children of Israel did in Eygipt Miller Prethée Ned tell me her faults and I 'le Grind her to what perfection you will have her Ned. Her Faults She hath so many that it is impossible to rickon them all up in the longest Summers day Oh that Parsons had never been suffered to marry then we had never been so tormented with their wicked Daughters Mill. You had best take my Rope and fasten it about her midddle and we will Crane her up into the Hopper for she is so Fat and Foggey that we shall never get her up else From all Parsons Daughters that so filthy be I beseech the good Lord to deliver me But now by this time I think I have done a good dayes work therefore I desire that all my loving Customers would come and tell me if I have given you content and then I shall be well satisfied and draw to a conclusion for this day Customers O we are all very well pleased to our hearts content for our Wives are now suteable to our humour therefore we wish you good fortune whereever you go Mil. I told you I would give you content I am glad I have perform'd my promise I must confess I have had good Trading here in England and I entend wh●n I remove to go amongst the Frenchcified Ladyes for they may be a means to bring good Grists to my Mill And so for the present I bid you farewell If there be any have a mind To bring more Women for to Grind I pray be quick make no delay But to my Mill come all away And if I have a merry wind I 'le please you all as you shall find FINIS