is worne growes daily out of vre The Taylor that can make new guise of currant coyne is sure But this I cheefely did obserue Frenchmen haue framde such tooles That now french Nets are cast on neckes to catch vp English fooles But let it passe I spurne it not let each one vse their vaine These vanities I will omit and turne my tale agayne Unto the wonders that I saw by practise put in vse But first to honest Courtiers I will frame my iust excuse Whom I doo not in any poynt meane to offend at all Though galbackt Bayard winch when hee is rubbed on the gall I saw where Aristippus stoode fast by a Lordinges side Who in his taunting tatlinge â—…onge reposde a iolly pride Hee finely framde his fyled talke the hearers to delight Smooth wordes I see doth â—…eare great sway and are of mickle might Eche man salutes him by his name and hee doth them imbrace Wordes are good cheape and t is small cost to shew a frendly face â—…s new found science in the Court did truth of times betray And who but Aristippians might beare the bell away At last hee mee espyde by chaunce and thus to mee gan say What old acquaintance what affaires hath the to court now brought What winde driue thee and what 's the cause that thou the court hast sought If any thing in mee doth rest that may thy fancy feede Expresse thy minde aske and receiue but speake and thou shalt speede I gaue him thankes but yet I thought these goâ—…dly golden wordes Would prooue but winde of slender weight bushes voyd of burds I calde to minde an olde sayd saw which I haue not forgot T is wisedome to take time in time and strike while thyron is whâ—…t When Pig is proferd ope the poke my Nurse taught me that tricke My poke was open by and by my hammer was very quicke Faire sir quod I your freendly wordes emboldeneth mee to craue That I through you in Fortunes court some simple place may haue Small entertaynment serues my turne so it be ought at all Poore men are pleasde with Potage aye till better vittailes fall And you that earst was as I am sâ—…t now in Fortunes lap Make freendes of Fortune while you may men say shee hath a trap Wherin her darlings oft times falles when frowning cheare begins First poynt of hawking is holde fast hee laughes they say that wins Tush tush quod hee thou witles wight thou spendest winde in waste First learne the skill to flatter fine and then thou maist bee plaste Diogenes that dotinge drudge hath drawne thee to his schoole His preignant wit is yll applyde hee proues himselfe a foole Hee calles mee Dionisius dog for fawning flattery fine But hee like dogge doth snar and grinne at this wise trade of mine If â—…ee would turne his taunts and quips to pleasant mery iest Hee might in fauoures grace remaine and flaunt it with the best So thou that yet hast not shakte of that sottish kinde of skill Must smooth thy tongue and oyle thy wordes and finely â—…le thy quille Then come to Court and I protest thou shalt haue my good will. Ah sâ—…r quoth I I see right well my sute growes very colde All promises are not perfourmde all glistering is not golde And wordes of course haue course effect experience teacheth so Deedes sinke and lye at lowest ebbe while golden wordes do slowe And sâ—…th no meane but flattery may saue mee from Fortunes scornes I list not seeke a pleasant rose among so many thornes As good such freendes were lost as found that helpeth not at neede Of thousand losses t is the least thus wee were soone a greede Diogeneâ—… Ah sâ—…r and sawest thou Aristip that spaniell of curres kinde Who hunts eche haunt where gaynâ—… doth grow and turneth with the winde A smelfeast Gnato for his gut to â—…ouch each Thrasoâ—… bragge Whose wordes are free to promise much but bound vp in his bagge His â—…lthy â—…oule Philosophy more frendship hath obtaynde Then truthfull tongue and trusty harte that neuer was distaynd Much like the false and wily Fox that whilom hath espide A Rauen with her pray in mouth wherat the Fox enuide And cast within his crafty minde how hee might her beguile From top of tree where Rauen sâ—…te at last hee framde this wile O noble birde whose heauenly hue with ioyfull eyes I see And muse that fame hath forgd such tales and foule vntruthes of thee For flying fame nay lying fame reportes thee to bee blacke But sure I see thy stately corpes no beauty braue doth lacke The lofty oke thou makste thy pertch the hauty towre thy seate Thy mighty winges with princely pompe the fleggy ayre doth beate Thy port doth passe the Eagles lookes I know full well thy kinde Thy race is sure heroicall thou art of noble minde And if thy songe bee like thy shape the beastes would sure reioyce To see that comely corpes of thine and heare so sweet a voyce The Rauen then puft vp with pride her prayses to augment Began to singe the pray fell downe the Fox had his intent And laught to scorne the foolish birde that thought her selfe so braue Euen so playes flatterers when they catch the thinge that they would haue But now proceede what sawest thou els it is no new found cast T is common now for fooles to feede when wiser men do fast Vlpianus If I should shew what sleights I saw dame Fortunes grace to gayn Would try my wittes and mee procure displeasure for my payne Diogenes Hast thou such feare of Fortunes frownes or of her whirling wheele Who since thou were three horseloues high hast tumbled at her heele Dread not at all except thou meane to learne her fawning skill Whose flattering cup is 〈◊〉 with wine that thirst enforceth still Vlpiâ—…nus Nay nay t is time that wee go in to take some small repast My limmes wax weake my tongue is faynt Pigges are content with mast The Courtly fare hath fed my eyes but belly had no share Nothing at all no sauour hath nothing is homly fare I know thy storâ—…house is not voyde of rootes or some such dish Sharpe hunger is a noble sauce for rootes for flesh or fishe Diogenes Yet tell I pray thee foundst thou not one faythful freende at all Wherby some hope of better hap in time to thee might fall Yl is his chaunce worse is that place where freâ—…ndship noâ—… is foâ—… Vlpianus Yes verely one freend I had to whom I am much bound â—…iogenes But was hee of hability by Fortunes sawning grace Vlpianus Dame vertue gaue him worships seat in spight of Fortunes face Diogenes Fayne would I know that freendly wight I â—…onge to heare his name Vlpianus Some men would deeme I flatter him if I should write his fame Diogenes Truth may bee blamd but neuer shamd Truth needes not feare her fâ—… In truthfull prayse a man may speake Truth needes no
glosing sho A lying flatterer ay is forste his forged tale to hyde With cloake of fayned eloquence for feare hee bee espyde But why shouldest thou refrayne to speake the truth that thou haste tride Wherfore thou maist impart to mee his name and worthinesse Vlpianâ—… Then marke my wordes and couertly thesame I will expresse Ernest hee is in zeale of sacred trueth Debonaire eke and freend to euery wight Modest and meeke a father vnto youth Vertue to further is his whole delight No nigard of the wealth that God him sent Despising pride and with his state content His hart doth harbour giftes of heauenly grace Among the poore a patron of defence Right louingly doth learned wightes embrace Makes small account of curraunt quoyned pence A pacient man in suffring any wrong Not rendring yll agayne in deede nor tonge Diogeâ—… Ful well I now perceiue his name and haue obserude his praise Such freendes in whom such vertues are be rare in thâ—…se our dayes ⧠The seuenth Dialogue betweene Tom Tapster Miles makeshift VVat VVily and the Author Tom Tapster You are welcom gentlemeÌ„ wil it please you to go neare Author Such welcome I like not that bought is to deare MIles Make shift Sir I perceiue right well that you haue béene accustomed with the flattering entertainmeÌ„t of Tapsters vnto whom a mans purse is alwaies better welcom then his person Wat Wily In good sooth Tapster if thou knewest howe weake our purses are thou wouldest geue vs but féeble entertainment Tom Tapster I see you are merry gentlemen and disposed to iest but if it bée as you say you shal notwithstanding haue so much credit at my handes as your dinner and horse meate amounteth vnto for you séeme to bee honeste Gentlemen Miles make shifte Of our honesty wée will make no great vauntes but that wee are Gentlemen and cleane gentlemen wee will not denye for I suppose wee three cannot make a stocke of two pence But I praye thee wherby doost thou déeme vs to bée Gentlemen Tom Tapster Sir it is a gentle Tapsters curtesie generally to salute all men by that tytle which lesson I first learned in the Schoole of Adulation in which Arte I haue so profited that I am now a publike reader therof and by my absolute knowledge herein I can both prooue you a gentleman and also emblaze your armes Wat Wily Thou art a gentleman like Tapster Miles make shifte I warrant you hee was neuer begotten without the consent of a Gentleman But Tapster set forwardes our dinner and if we lacke money I wil promise thee by the faith of a Gentleman to pay thee when I come hither next Tom Tapster I take your word you shall lacke no good cheare Exit Author Lo here is cretensis cum cretense a cogginge knaue with a foystinge varlet well met hée with his herhaltry and you with your hemphaltry I trust anon will make a good medley Wat Wily Holde thee contente fonde fellowe and giue vs leaue and so shall thy charges bee borne for thou hast oft heard say that Fallere fallentum non est frans to deceiue a deceiuer is no deceit And hée that with his flattery deceiueth a thousand in a yeare is now like to be mated with his matches holde thou thy tongue and obserue the euent No more wordes for now hee commeth in Tom Tapster Gentlemen I pray you haue pacience yet a litle while and it wil not be longe vntill your dinner bée ready Wat Wily No haste but good better is a litle tariance then a raw dinner But in the meane season I pray thée tell vs what newes is now stirring Tom Tapster I haue in my taphouse both stale and fresh newes yea if néede require I haue there a stamp to quoyne newes at all times Miles make shifte I pray thee tell vs new newes and true newes Tom Tapster Sithens you are so greedy of newes I will tell you such as will seeme wonderfull and incredible First I geue you to wéete that there is beetweene Sir Morpheus and mée very great and familiar acquayntance by meanes wherof we confer togeather somtimes at noone as well as at midnight and béeing this last night past in a deuont dreame hee led mee vp by the hande into a pleasant Paradise where I might beholde wonderfull visions first I saw how Iupiter sate in his Throne of Maiesty callinge all the other Gods to accompt of their offices and Ministeries before whose royall seate the pety Gods and Goddesses endeuored with all diligence to cury fauor by sundry straunge and vnacustomed sleights the terrible and wreckfull God Mars whose harte was whilom bentâ—… altogeather to conquer whole Monarchies and Empires as an infest enemy vnto peace and tranquility hath now set aside his warlike instruments and is become a suter to Ioue to liue at ease preferringe quiet before conquest and golde before glory hée hath shaken of his harnesse and taken into his armes in steade of armour the beautifull Lady Venus wherat the cunning Smith Vulcan takinge indignation by his exquisite skil enclosed them togeather in a net of Wier for the which this noble craftsman was had in great admiration amonge the Gods and well commended of Iupiter him selfe And when Vulcan had playd this pleasant Pageant in came Appollo as it were vpon the Stage to solace Ioue with some kinde of Adulation wherby I see full well that my science is practised euen among the Gods. Then came in Sir Cupid like a carpet knight and with smiling countenance and smooth woords allured Appollo to resigne the Scepter of his prudence and his learned laurel crowne vnto Ioue wherby to discharge himselfe of a great burthen and also to please Iupiter with his excellent skill of Musicke vnto which fond request Appollo eftsoones applyed to his perpetuall obloqui Howbeit his incomparable harmony found such fauour with the father of the Gods the rest that his change chaunced to the multiplication of his gayne though to the diminution of his credit Thus Appollo became a Minstrell and many of the rest daunced after his Pipe. Then came in Mercurius in the habite of a trauayler and hee tould vnto Ioue wonderfull newes and monstrous lyes namely English lies French lies Spanish Dutch Italian Irish Welsh Romaine Polonian Muscouian Babylonian and Turkish lyes And to conclude hée could set out all manner of lyes with all manner of colours But it is a worlde to see how acceptably his newes were receyued and to consider howe the eares of Gods are delighted with vayne fables and forged fantasies But here began the sporte There stoode a far of a simple sot named V. F. and when hee saw how Mercury was fauoured for his Fables and commended for his cogging perswaded himselfe that hee by speakinge the trueth should bee right well regarded And euen on the suddeine rushed into the place as though his quill was then to speake with malapert and sauey boldnesse vttered
these wordes following O mighty Ioue sith licence thine to speake is now assignde And pardon free proclaimde giue leaue for mee to speake my minde Fooles boltes men say are soonest shot yet ofte they hit the marke Blinde Bayard is as sure of foote as Palfrey in the darke On Stage who stands to play his part ech frown may not him daunt Some play to please some laugh some wepe some flatter some do taâ—…t But hee whose parte tendes to this ende fond fansies toyes to schoole Best welcome is when hee resines the Scaffold to the foole Lo now the foole is come in place though not with patcht pyde coâ—…te To tell such newes as carst hee saw within Cocklorels bote The Rowers cryde to Barge to Barge the passengers make haste The tyde is iurnde and euery foole in his degree is plast With lusty gaole and laboring Oars the Bâ—…rge hath won the Porte Where Iupiter doth reigne and rule within a stately Forte Eche one deuisde which way were best in fauoures grace to grow Some crake some brag some flaunt it out some crouch and creepe ful low With cap and knee some sue serue some gape for others â—…alles Some snatch the fruit before rebound some gnaw on tastlesse shalles grope Some fish and catch a Frog at last yet feede on better hope Some sting their handes with nettles keene while they for flowers Some sing some daunce some â—…ype some plâ—…y al for fauours grace Thus greedy gaynâ—… makes men beleeue they runne in endlesse race What desperate hazard is so hard that makes the yonker doubt What way so wilde where gaine doth grow that worldling findes not out What hole so small in wriâ—…ings oâ—…e that cannot be now found But lucre large coÌ„science makes some holes where wordes be found Ah Conscience is a banisht wight with garment â—…l to torne But though shee sit in homly â—…agges she laughes some robes to scorne Sheâ—… saules at tyranis that â—…oyle to make their will 〈◊〉 law Whose â—…ing mindes by right or wrong would hold all men in aw Refusing same and 〈◊〉 shame by hunting Mammons chace A â—…g say thâ—… for good report let mee haue Fortunes grace Oh Ioue aâ—…e thâ—…se things hâ—…d from thee nay nay thou seest them all But winâ—…ing wisdome is not blinde to tâ—…rne the tossed ball Thou seest that sundry sortes of â—…n by flattery do aspire To guerdon great when trusty trueth hath hatred for her hyre Thou seest I know the subtile sleights that worldly wightes deuise Who currieth fauour currantly is onely counted wise Alas how is Religion vsde to serue the turne at neede Whose cloake hides sundry hypocrites that many errours breede For why 〈◊〉 now a common trade when refuge all is past To take Religion for a shield a shift to serue at last Oh Ioue if thou wilt ransacke some that vaunt of her decrees They will appeare but flauntinge leaues of withered fruitlesse trees To flatter Princes many men apply them to the time They force no whit Religions fall so they aloft may clime Now mighty Ioue looke well about all thinges are in thy sight The Touchstone tries all is not golde that glistereth faire bright Loe thus I haue exprest my minde and shewd forth my intent My part is playd and I am plaâ—…de so that I bee not shent Miles make shifte Mary sir this was a very saucy and presumpteous foole for not onely his boldnesse in preasing himselfe to that place was worthy of reproch but the subtiltie of his Metaphoricall Phrases deserued iuste punishment Wat Wily Thus wee may see what madnesse it is to permit fooles freely to speake their mindes but much more to suborne them in their taunting talkatiue veynes whose tongues are alwaies bente to shoote their doltishe boltes at other mens vices and yet sée not their owne follies but I hope to sée the daye that such cocscomes shal be restrained for they are infest enemies vnto the noble faculty of Flattery Tom Tapster Uerely if you had heard his words and beheld his gestures you would haue wondered at his impudency for besides that his spéeche which I haue recited vnto you hée rayled and raged at the egregious flattery vsed among the Gods and in Iupiters Court not sparing any state or degree Miles make shifte Well well gentle Tapster let vs now leaue to talke any more of that daw and of his doctrine and supplye the time with more necessary matter wherfore sitheâ—…s thou art a publike reader in the science of Adulation I pray thée reade a Lecture of that art for our instruction Tom Tapster I graunt your request and for the better explication and vnderstanding of the matter you must imagine your selfe to bée the Lorde vnto whom I reade this Lecture Miles make shifte Bee it as thou hast sayd now shew forth thy learning to mée thy Lorde and Maister Tom Tapsters Lecture AS flying fame with golden trompe hath sent thy brute abrode So bounden duety by deserts bids mee my minde vnloade Thy hauty porte thy heauenly gifts thy line of noble race Thy passinge prayse thy happy state makes all men ioy thy case As one who for his countryes wealth by fate was first ordaynde Oh happy soyle whose lucky lot so rare a gem hath gaynd But whether are our ioyes more great in hauinge such a wight Or els our greefe when sisters three shall worke their yreful spight And as both Heauen and earth are bent thy honour to procure So prudence thine O noble Lord must cause thesame endure But by thy leaue O maister mine I see and sighe withall That bounty should beare such asway as to procure thy fall For thou my Lorde with princely pompe thy table doost maintayne A freend to all saue to thy selfe but how may this remayne Thy purse is open to the poore their naked lymmes to cloake Like Lords thy tennants liue at ease free from all seruill yoake If in the ende thy state decay eche man bewayles the case Take time in time so feareles thou maist spit in Fortunes face And to begin first cut thy troupe and trayne of seruing men Where two or three may serue the turne what shouldst thou doo with tent But ten times ten on you depend and by your purse maintaind Leaue of my Lord as good as you that pompe hath now refraind Imploy the Court with dilligence in presence of the Prince Whence profit growes fauour springs though mumbling lobcock wince Breake vp housekeeping your troup geue pasportes to your traine In Court two wayters and a Page will serue while you remayne Agayne in Court such cheats do chance as causeth gaine to grow What neede I name the order how sith you your selfe do know If neede require that you appeare in presence of the king when as it shall expected bee that you a trayne must bring Your tennants are good hansome hines when badged blew cotes oâ—… So may you muster lustely with Simkin Hob and Iohn And
their bellyes in the wâ—…ldernesse in which slocke and multitude were many Pharasites and smelfeastes that for their bellyes sakes would haue proclaymed Christ to bee their Kinge flattering him also with these wordes This is of a truth that Prophet that should come into the world And yet the selfe same flattering varlets when they sawe no longer likelyhoode of good cheare cryed out on him Crucifige The secte of flattering Pharises when they ment nothing lesse then truth came vnto Christ with these glosing wordes Maister wée know that thou art true and teachest the way of God truely c. But their wielfed intent was to intrap him with wordes of treason wherby to condempne him of whose pharaseicall conditions are our Maisters of flattery and thus let these fewe places serue for my first note Secondly I haue noted by his Lecture the vnconstant and sond affections of them that bend their eares to the sugred venim of flattery wherby manye doo dishonor disworship and dishonest themselues by putting in vre such wicked attempts as this tapster hath perswaded Thirdly I haue noted in you two a playne protrayture of a brace of cogging knaues from whom I will flye as from a Serpent exhorting al my fréends to doo the same and so fare you well Fallere te nullus vult qui tibi dura minatur Sed potiâ—…s vt caueas turbidus ille moneâ—… Fallimur a placidis verbis vultuque sereno Cum sapido capimus sepe venena scipo ⧠A â–ª short Dialogue betweene the Authour and his booke wherin is shewed sundry opinions that were vttered of the first Impression of this booke which the Authour him selfe hearde in Paules Church yeard and else where Author VVHat loytring cause or lingring let Hath helde thee from my handes so long Or elss hast thou such checke mates met As by some meanes hath done thee wrong Some newes hath chaunst I know full well If good or bad I pray thee tell Booke Such newes perhaps I haue to show As vneth will thy minde content If talke may make mennes eares to glow I muse if thine be not quite spent A thousand tongues doo speake of thee Thou hast so fondly framed mee This is a new found arte say they Pickte out of late from ydle brayne But some agaynst those wordes inuey And say thou tookst an honest payne By mery meane thus to detect The folly of the flattering sect Some like thy verse but not thy proes Some prayse thy minde but not thy skill Some shew them selues to bee thy foes By mocking thee and eke thy quill Some say thou hast a litle wit But doost apply thesame vnfit Some say that in times pasâ—… In Flatteries Schoole thou hast been traynde And yet to thriue foundst not the cast For Fortune aye thy state disdaind And now thou takst as weapon stronge Thy pen for to auenge that wrong And thus as I haue raunged abrode I heare the verdictes of them all Some rage and rayle some lay on lode Belike they were rubde on the gall Some smyle to see so quaint a toy Some laugh right out and some looke coy â–ª Author Ah sily booke that thus hast past Amid thy freends and through thy foes â–ª VVhat writer euer found the cast To please all men none I suppose For fancy comes to men by fittes So many heads so many wittes Sith sundry men in sundry wise Do shoote their sentence at my name Goe tell them all that I despise The scoffes that taunting tongues do frame Thy humble duety do expresse To thy right noble patronesse Then reuerently thy selfe submit Vnto the troupe of learned trayne As for fooles boltes that would thee hitte Thou shalt full well their shot sustayne And say to them that thee doo blame My Author prayse you mend the same So shall you answere his desire And haue his thankes a small rewarde Els let your tongue from taunts retire Yll tongues good matters ofte hath marde A fault is sooner found then mended Few bookes by finde faulte is defended Farewell my booke God bee thy speede I sende thee forth to walke alone In homly stile a threede bare weede For robe of Rethorike I haue none My VVaredrope hath no filed phrase VVheron fine eyes delight to gase FINIS The eyghth Dialogue betweene Siâ—… Symon the Parson of Poll Iobbam and the Authour Sir Simon VVho liues to learne and learnes to liue And list to come to thrist May see the skill and finde the way By my new sounded shrift AVthour If your shrifte haue such vertue as 〈◊〉 teach men thrift I pray you Sir Simon take mee vnder bâ—…edicitie who neuer as yet could finde the way to thriue I thinke it bée for wante of absolution ab omne frugalitate Sir Simon I neither vse auriâ—…uler confession nor any kinde of absolution but certaine infallible precepts to bee obserued by practise wherof thrift is obtayned Authour And yet Sir Simon if the common saying be true you haue playd an vnthrifty part your selfe for you are sayd to bee bee that solde his benefice for a boale of new Alâ—… in corns and what thrift call you that â–ª Sir Simon Better thrift then you are ware of for the boale was spiced with a hundred Duckets which spice sunke to the bottom that all men could not see it Author Then your name shall bée conuerted from Sir Simon to Sir Simony but haue you any other benefice lefte to liue vpon and â—…pe hospitality withall Sir Simon I am not as yet vnfurnished of my plurality but if I had not one yet haue I the feate to â—…ishe anâ—… catch so fine a bayte I haue in store Author How longe haue you beene so cunning a â—…sher When I knew you first you had no such skill but â—…ted your selfe to lâ—…e as barâ—…ly as I and other your poore neighbours Sir Simon That I liued barely I confesse but that it conteâ—…ted mee I denye wherfore I directe my study to the Art of Flâ—…ttery wherin I found such sauour that I set aside al other studies and dedicate my selfe wholly to that in which art I am now an absolute Schoolemaister and if thou once tastedst the swéetenes therof thou wouldest reiecte thy stoiâ—…all study and become a Philosopher of our seâ—…te Author I pray you Sir Simon for olde acquaintance tell mee how you put this kinde of Philosophy to so profitable vse Sir Simon I will rip it vp vnto thee euen from the beginninge It is not knowen vnto thee how solitary a life I led when I first became a Clergie man and when I went any where abroade my onely arrant was to preach in which my sermons I could not cease to inuey agaynst the abuses of these dayes not sparing Lorde or Lady or any degree in reproouinge of sinne and wickednes so farre forth that I was counted 〈◊〉 saucy knaue among Gentiles And specially of patrons of benefices whose foule disorders in making marchandise of the Church béeinge Gods